Hilarious Theo Von Moments: Volume 2

i'm like what am i doing yeah i'm telling jokes jesus christ and yeah and then telling people when you go back home and they've never seen you they've never heard of you they think you're gay they're just like you won't like they're like you keep flying home you don't have any money and you're not bringing a girl home you have these jokes yeah you're hiding from something you know just come out i remember my stepdad is yelling at me in the yard one time told you to come out yeah i was like i'm not [ __ ] gay bro i was like i'm just not flying some girl home that i just met you know just to prove to you he can't catch it he can catch it alive the worst has got to be if someone says you're gay and you are but you don't want to oh yeah that'd be sick [ __ ] yeah you changed your clothes the next day you come dressed like in a mafia outfit or something like something to totally take them hot off the trail you know i remember i got on a school bus one day and the man didn't even take us to school he just drove us around and uh swear to god and then just drove us back home eventually what's wrong with that he didn't say anything either probably drunk and when at a certain point do you have a memory where you just bombed you know when you you're bombing you got to dig yourself out have you ever one where you don't get out yeah i got two one two of my crazy memories one time some dude laughed so hard at the show he came out of the closet to his buddies just right in front of him i swear to god he's just like [Music] [ __ ] literally like jarred something in his in his stem you know and his buddies like what the [ __ ] dude he's right about the front you made him laugh so hard he just admitted he's gay one of his buddies spit milk or spill it on not milk um beer yeah you know uh i'm gay yeah his buddies are like what the [ __ ] did it was awkward because it seemed kind of real yeah so i mean i've had people say a lot of stuff if you're like that guy's [ __ ] but this guy seemed like he might have been honest homosexual and then the other time that i really bombed was um because i'm not trying to [ __ ] you know bringing anybody the other side of the sexual ledger you know the meat the uh oh you ate them you're saying yeah but uh you guys eight owls yeah i think that's legal you probably shouldn't say that on the podcast well i didn't have a lot i'll tell you this if you want to feed a family of four you can't just have one owl i will say that though well if you look at what it looks like without the feathers it looks like i'm saying [ __ ] demon yeah you know it's a real baiting switch i feel like that's one of god's hidden agendas well i was talking to someone about peacocks about this i started talking about it on stage i don't know yeah that's a duck bro but it's it says peacock that is something else that is and i stopped the car and to check it out i was like whoa that's flirting really it sounds like flirting oh if a bird drops a rabbit at your feet hey [ __ ] yeah it's ready to [ __ ] probably yeah like you didn't love the french i love the canadians french canadians yeah i'll take them you love canadians period i love canadians period but do you love french canadians yes because they are canadian but french bro not into french and nobody is they make great wine yeah that's not true people go to paris every year yeah but they leave [Laughter] it's not the kind of place people are milling around man joe's like that with putting out two podcasts three podcasts a week he does that many a week joe's [ __ ] man joe's got this game locked down how's he to talk to his uh he just started kind of like will give me a little bit more face time you know he's great he's great you see he doesn't believe in jesus christ does he i don't think so yeah but that's fine you know i don't think he does yeah he might not believe in jesus christ but i mean i think he believes and i'm drinking out of his mug right here look i believe i think he believes in a higher power i mean he's done dmt so he's spoken to the aliens so so then i just got him to stand up and i always like making people laugh like i used to do a similar thing when i was a child at the lunch table we'd get some kids who were minnows or a couple might have been minnows and a couple kids that were well you know when we get there and sit i'm gonna make them drink milk and then tell jokes and do stuff and to tell one of us just blew milk out of their face you know and if you get some straight up just couple minnows boys i'm straight up sawed off humans you get them dude you get them from straight up blow leche out there dumb dude [Laughter] that's america right there you know what i'm saying and that's when i knew i was like oh i got some kind of a gift here you know i almost blew the throat out of this one boy almost through the this just almost blew the throat out of this this one boy named tot t-o-t with his name kind of a bad name too to be mentally challenged but also easy for him to spell and i'm not joking that's what his father said and um easy for him to spell backward and forward same name todd so oh that's true man was this guy's real his name was todd why are you so laughing at him it's just a funny sounding name that's all i'm saying you're right yeah it was pretty funny i guess you know let's talk about todd sometimes he would just say t.o.t was his name but i knew it was tot yeah he would try to spell it out and you know like he was tricking me yeah so so did you do like the open mic circuit in l.a yeah i started doing open mics here like at marty's or where like at uh meltdown and stuff no they had a place over on the west side of town i live i was sleeping under a buddy of mine had a bed and i was sleeping under his bed for 150 a month oh wow and sometimes even in his bed sometimes when he would be out of town or when he would leave for work i'd climb up into his bed dude and i've never been heavily homosexual but i will say this that there's nothing really gayer than getting into a man's warmth after he's already left the room you know and climbing up into his bed i mean you don't even really know that much am i still catching that hit off of his temperature you know funny it's true man you go over to somebody's house dude you don't know that much when they leave the room and get the get get out of their bed you get into their bed you never told them that though make a man out of your fast dude or it won't you find out who's who pretty quick when you're doing stuff like that yeah yeah weird place and it's one thing that's unique to me is my childhood and my perspective of it you know yeah it it you grew up where you grew up in i grew up in covington louisiana and our town's famous um lee harvey oswald went to our middle school uh pistol pistol pete maravich lived and died in our town really uh two good shooters that's the joke that i use off of that um but like tulane university had their primate testing facility in our town that's where most people worked at right so and in 1994 like 70 infected monkeys got out in our town and they literally the police came to ymca summer camp and let the oldest kids leave to help them look for these monkeys right are you serious yeah and i remember like like guys they had guys with like rebel flags in their truck i'm like it's not a racial thing guys this is these are [ __ ] 70 these are chimpanzees and macaws that are loose around town you know this isn't a gang that's moved in you know uh but i remember me and a couple of other kids i still remember having a wet bathing suit on cornering a [ __ ] chimpanzee outside of a kenny rogers roasters with a police officer and three other kids like you know by this drive-through and this [ __ ] fat elf of a woman honking at us like we're ruining her you know dream shake she's buying or whatever and her [ __ ] cornbread what we're trying to [ __ ] save our town from a [ __ ] who knows what this monkey had from a yellow planet of the apes apocalypse yeah maybe something walter reed missed could have been yellow fever um wait i really feel like i grew up in the stray animal belt of louisiana and they don't really have this anymore because everybody has pets now but they had a long time where there was just i felt like thousands of strays running around like joey diaz he got bit by animals i got jumped by a bunch of cats on my birthday once dude i'm not even joking dude and one of my swear to god some of them got me on the ground and one of them came off a [ __ ] rooftop from next door i swear to god i still remember a couple of them were getting me and looking back and seeing one come from something in the air and uh and they had tons of stray animals where i was from you couldn't you'd infuse that in everything you did wherever you went or if you were gonna bike or play ball and that'll make you feel like a little [ __ ] too i mean first of all your dad's dying and now there's cats jumping it's just really but anyway so i was like we used to pull these bodies off of the interstate and bury them off the highway right holy [ __ ] because dogs were getting hit there i mean literally they were [ __ ] piling up and i remember one time we found a bunch of nudie mags in the ground somebody hit a bunch of you know pornography in the dirt and i remember we got down and somebody then had we realized i'd never seen any sex before right so somebody somebody cut out all the pictures of the actual insertion points in these magazines there was probably 11 pornography magazines club some of the older ones club finer ones i thought actually yeah uh penthouse um but where the exact penis and vagina insertion point happened and in every picture somebody cut that out and taken it with them i guess and i don't know if they did it because they didn't want people to see that or they wanted to have it all you know but i remember this weird [ __ ] like that and that's when i started realizing this [ __ ] didn't happen to everybody like for some reason god put all this weird [ __ ] in front of me and so those are the things that i need to focus on and that's when i started thinking that i became a little bit more confident because i know what i'm talking about i think what do you mean like i know when i'm like i'm explaining a place that i know you know yeah it's not like i'm trying to be like oh when you started talking about where you grew up yeah you got more confidence you knew what you were talking about yeah i knew what i was talking about so that just helped with my confidence so now i can tell some older jokes and bits and there's more confidence there but now i'm also being able to just tell new stories and still keep that same perspective that i had with these other bits was there racism in covington yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah there was a lot of racism dude i remember one time so i was friends with this kid named devin deeku because i actually really joined black humanity for a while when i was young you know really black humanity well just like i used to ride my bike to school right because i live in this poor neighborhood and i didn't want to get on the bus and kids see where i was from i didn't want to get off the poor bus at school so i'll ride my bike to school it was about five miles right and this was like in middle school you know so like but i'd go through the black neighborhood you know like because our neighborhood was white and black and white at one end black at the other end so i'd go through there and a lot of the blacks would get on my bike you know and they honestly used to call me the [ __ ] bus that's what they would call me and they would be like the [ __ ] bus is here and they would all get like three or four would get on my bike and be on my shoulders and sitting on the front tall blacks too like this one kid named jonathan smith this kid had to be i swear to god he was nine feet tall man and he [ __ ] made me ride him i literally remember the back tire would he was so [ __ ] heavy the back tire on my bike would come off which made me wonder how's this bike even having any traction on the road but then they'd have somebody on the pegs on the back and like piled up i'm like a king a campbell tombo and i didn't call myself the [ __ ] but that's what they called me yeah yeah yeah [Laughter] first concert dude first concert i ever went to oh this pedophile took us right i'm not even joking dude rest in peace he's dead let's do richard lange's time bruh oh his family owned a [ __ ] deli dude every new orleans famous he bring you to a concert me yeah my little girlfriend at the time jessica we met him at church right because he was uh i guess he was uh daylight and as a decent person right so we met him at church okay so i was like hey you know that's uh and they called him big richard bro cause he was big and he had all the [ __ ] you know his skin was scabbing up he had different colors on his arms and we're like you know the [ __ ] lord's leopard print was [ __ ] coming out of him right oh my god so we went over to his house well like let's go to his house and i'll take him some cookies on sunday and watch the saints game with him not for not we shouldn't eat that second stem no oh yeah i'm crying oh my god i'm crying and i have no words i'm sorry keep going okay i'm sorry no look i'm amazing i just want to let you know i'm [ __ ] up to the [Laughter] so gills bro i could have been molested a billion times like i'm gonna tell this molesters if you're out there bro do you have so many fans i'm sure you got about 30 [ __ ] job molester fans statistically statistically dude put you in here statistically right you probably got 30 fans in a child molesters you missed your chance i'm gonna say that you missed your [ __ ] chance with this kid dynamite dude because i was gullible bro and i was a good kid and i was strong bro handsome long hair bro i used to do this bit about denny's how much i hated denny's right um it's on your special it's almost special right so anyway i was like i wish somebody would shoot up a [ __ ] denny's right that's what i would say dude some kid puts in the comments he goes man he puts a cl a link to a youtube clip he goes man my dad actually got shot up at a [ __ ] tennis he goes somebody walked in with a gun and shot everybody in the place one star he goes but i still love this bit that you do and that was beautiful bro here i am joking about it he said it really happened he lost his father right next to a [ __ ] grill bro right next to a griddle you know what you got you know two brothers back there [ __ ] sword fighting with spatulas i probably hopped up on [ __ ] methamphetamines you know not knowing they're gonna lose their job to the [ __ ] mexican guy sitting at the bar you know unbelievable man but that's god dude that kid came and he was just positive man they had a man speaking of alcohol and head button they had a black man that um that one time we'd go get like takavaki used to be the kind of vodka that we would drink it was just like this off brand in our region like todd's almost uh yeah probably like something like that just like whatever every place had their own little local brand or whatever this this was called taka and so you go get a fifth attack or whatever so one time i pull up by the um gas station and they had this man and i was thinking oh this guy will buy some vodka he looks like he drinks some vodka and it was daytime you know it's probably maybe 11 a.m so i i pick it i say hey man will you get us some liquor you say yeah said all right here's the money you got to go in and get the liquor come back out and get in the car it's kind of dude you got to give exact directions too yeah you know otherwise you're going to deviate from the plan i buy like some [ __ ] uh slim gyms and scratch [Music] [Laughter] um so anyway he gets back in the car he's got the liquor and that's when this dude told me he's like you know i'm the head button champion in the world right last thing you want to hear from i'm talking this guy the only man i've ever seen yeah he had that thick head oh this guy's head was probably made by that shoe maker right he had that kind of head he had a bigger smaller than chin's head chin's has a dome on him it was like chin's head with another head on top of it all forehead oh yeah but all right yeah it was that jaundice snowman was like stacking up a couple of chin's heads right this guy had just like you could see his knee you could hear his neck if you put your ear up to his neck he couldn't his his neck would be like man i'm tired you know i'm exhausted and he was headbutting people no he goes i'm driving us off he has a vodka and all my i want the vodka from him right i'm trying to get [ __ ] up and he goes you know i'm the head button champion of the world right and this dude is homeless okay so do you say i don't know there's competition and this before they had this way before this is 20 years before kimbo slice right yeah and this man looked exactly like kimbo slice right but white with a two-story hit oh he's black white or black black all right 100 black and he so next thing you know he goes you know the head button champion of the world and you start to see him kind of just looking at me as i just feel like suddenly you're sizing up your dome yeah suddenly i'm looking forward driving and he's looking directly at me right there is no us we're not going anywhere anymore he is just in the car with me and uh and so i pull and he goes do you want he goes do you think you could beat me and i knew but when he said do you think anything at that point i'm already thinking of the cops i'm thinking about my funeral i'm thinking of dude in the back get in there i'm thinking about it but you can't just get out of a car when you're driving and that's one of the issues with cars is that you have some responsibility to stay in there at least it's yours so i still i pull over because i'm not going to get knocked unconscious while i'm moving forward you know what i'm saying i'm not a [ __ ] idiot yeah so this dude he goes you want to know and he i know he couldn't even hear me anymore though i'm saying no he's seen red oh yeah for him it's game time yeah i'm saying no in different ways i'm saying no in different languages and you can tell it's not registered in his head and he just lines me up right and just hit me as hard as he could with his [ __ ] head bro yeah not me completely unconscious only been knocked out twice in my life once was actually about three weeks ago when i fell into the sofa when i was wrestling with some children the other time was when this dude the self-proclaimed head button champion of the world [ __ ] put that one hit sleeper on me bro here's the crazy part he didn't even touch me with his hands did he leave the vodka at least didn't even hips out huh everything was gone dude everything was going homeless stuff yeah that's the chant though that's the chance how many people can say you got knocked out by the champ it's kind of an honor man my first thought was that dude is the champ that my first thought that's the champ right there no doubt that it's a champion dude the tough part though i got real lean calves you know because a lot of my family my great-grandfather didn't have legs so you got to expect that you know i'm gonna have lean calves we're just still sprouting them out you know we're still working on the family lineage it'll be another three generations before we got some [ __ ] you know beefy low pieces in our jeans how far who is this kind of like a regular guy maybe about six one mm-hmm but getting shorter by the hour almost because old age oh really yeah old age takes a lot of density out of your bones that's why if you're really old i feel like you should almost i don't want to say like bathing milk but you want to you want to get the suppositories or something you want to yeah yeah just hide calcium in your ass or whatever you got to do to bone up you know to get marrow heavy i'm serious yeah how old are you i'm in my 40s are you really yeah look older than that actually dude a little bit no event yeah because what because of the because of the beanie oh maybe maybe that's true you seem like a nice guy though they didn't have makeovers where i'm from dude i remember my mom actually won a perm one time on the radio when i was young and some other [ __ ] from across town said it was hers [ __ ] like [ __ ] they know who won i know you know what i'm saying doug [ __ ] it i know we won the firms i don't trust people from louisiana well i mean it's a hit or miss state you know it has a lot of um that dark magic mullets are not frowned upon at all it's actually the ghost dude it's just a goatee for the back of your neck son i was just there man i was just here in louisiana this weekend doing shows yeah uh no crawfish boil hanging out with family what happened man so the show's down there go i'm i'm assuming since you're a hometown boy the shows down there are pretty crunk well no it's not that good man it's like you know is but is new orleans a good spot for comedy no and i felt my comedy special down there and it was a you [ __ ] up [ __ ] up why'd you do it down there i just thought like i was excited you know my family will get to see it and everybody will get to come it'll be easy for my family to call my friends to come this is the netflix one yeah and they just didn't i mean the production company was not good but it was uh it just the the audience didn't know how to they didn't know what was going on one lady was all dressed out in lsu [ __ ] you know and she's yelling defense half of the show what the [ __ ] they had to throw her out like get the [ __ ] out okay i feel like yeah i feel like the hometown is not the way to go to shoot a special it wasn't it wasn't man is the show about him and his life back home all those characters you do in your stand-up that's the show like that boy gert yeah you're going home right and you reuniting with all your all [ __ ] up friends and just dealing something with just all those stories there's just heaven dude we had this kid in our in my neighborhood named robert and he was like he thought he was twins that never got separated right and so yeah when he would talk he would say something and then uh under his breath he would say it again say it again [Laughter] you like that oh it never ended yeah and it all really scared the [ __ ] out of everybody bro and he could not stop doing it he kept doing it like an echo yeah whoa and you'd ask him why he didn't he said he was two there was twins inside him and one of them never got out that's so funny [Music] you

Channel: Jdubya

Views: 101,224

Rating: 4.8690672 out of 5

Keywords: comedy

Id: DUL9IF1xmU8

Length: 22min 16sec (1336 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 31 2020