HIGNFY S10E01

[Music] good evening and welcome to the 10th series of have i got news for you and if any skeptic feels that the show's witty satire has now given way to crude abuse then they can just [ __ ] off in in the news while we've been away the man who bought an office from nick gleason tries to get his money back uh there's a dead heat in the final of the all england brainless smiling championships and after paulie yates reveals that bob geldof didn't wash for several years the man from the sun is the first to their house to get the story uh first guest is a former presenter of the national lottery where the odds of winning are 14 million to one so much the same as tonight as he's on ian's team gordon kennedy and with paul merton tonight a woman who was famous for lying on a bed flirting with celebrities after which she got up and went to work on the big breakfast paulie yates and so to what's known across the country as round one some badly edited highlights of the week from which news story are they untimely ripped ian and gordon is derek lewis has been sacked by michael howard he's pretty angry really well you would be angry if you got fired from a job wouldn't you uh yeah i wouldn't know no no he didn't he was sacked so he'd probably be very angry he probably sued somebody did he and he probably did yep he's sticking out a high court what did he do with the high court and you know i'm not generally accounted a great expert it is yes it's the uh the lawsuit filed against michael howard by the man he sacked director general of the prison service derrick lewis um last week prison officials were furious when prisoner mike johnson of long lawton jail in worcestershire telephoned call nick ross program to praise the stringent security in his own prison although that was from a core box in inverness high street uh paul and paula are more apt pairing we've not seen the like off since renee and renata what's uh what's all this then uh oh this is uh louis farrakhan that's testing the bouncy castle the four tops have made a comeback he's big on racism he says that america is incredibly racist and it's all the fault of the jews it is uh the million-man march as it was called organized in washington by lewis farrakhan and the nation of islam addressing famous black performers and sportsmen uh farah khan said demonstrate your gift not what is between your legs although if you're lymphed christie of course you can do both at the same time ian and uh more particularly gordon let's see if you can stomach this that's anthea gordon oh well she won a lot of money and he didn't some of the money went to people in the street before and then ontario and virginia divvy up the rest because they do and all week people have been saying it's terribly unfair yeah it's unfair that rich people get it at the opera it's unfair that poor people get it in their refugees seems to be unfair that anyone gets it at all yeah yeah so i've devised a plan i have a perfect democratic system for ensuring that the lottery money is distributed fairly class by class um area by area if you go into the shop you pay a pound they give you the pound back that's it if you go in by a thousand how much they could be better thousand back you've got the thrill though haven't you have you yeah the lottery when you were presenting it i might have done who's asking um yes no i did i did play the lottery do you ever win one every week it looks like 23 but it's definitely a seven yeah they never twigged they never take this uh it's the continuing arguments they've what to do with the national lottery funds seven million pounds went to children's charities two and a half million to women's groups one and a half million to pensioners and several million more to refugees and ethnic groups so once again white middle-class males working in the television industry have been cynically overlooked uh paul and paula one summer tale for you oh this is sting on a disastrous appearance on top of the pops where the music wasn't played i'm scratching his head he's still wondering about that top of the pop sink that's his accountant with his boxes sting being stung isn't it by his ex uh he's now ex-accountant who stole five million off him and sting hadn't noticed it and sunk into indian restaurants apparently sting first realized that something was amiss when he received a brand new rolls royce as a wedding present from his accountant who'd have thought and he thought hang on a moment hang on a moment there's something in my neck it is astonishing yes that he didn't even notice the six million pounds which had we should have gone missing oh come on angus you got that much in your pocket i wondered what it was changed yes can you remember the name of keith moore's girlfriend 27 year old asian girlfriend aisha almost santosh banger i only mentioned that to get a cheap laugh and did work and at the end of the first round the teams are like princess diana and will carling there's nothing between them before we open the door to round two we have to suffer the unwelcome intrusion that is our caption competition ian and gordon have this to inspire them paul and paula get this well over the past couple of series round two has undergone radical change on a weekly basis and this week is no exception the radical change being that we fail to do anything different staying as we do with our headline round set in the fetid sewer that is our gutter press both headlines in fact come from the times paul and paula who had the pleasure she met van gogh well this is the woman who's just become the oldest person who's ever lived being authenticated by the guinness book of records i think she's now 120 and she met van gogh when she was working in an art shop when she was about 14 and she said it was smelly bad tempered sounds like someone else met this bloke when she was 14 ended up thinking he was smelly what are you talking about are you having a slight at me no no no i'm not gonna go at you we're not quite sure you see that's you say having a go you see like the americans pronounce van gogh van gogh hmm i mean what's the matter with them can't they see the ugh you don't say frank bo do you i've got a co at the back of me fro unless you're married to sebastian ko of course bringing back to the rather irrelevant uh matter of the question um yes do you remember her name yes i do good maria or something maria how's that spelt paul g-o-r-e is it you see you've got minerals what's sitting in the world of your own like some elderly actor who wants to repeat in crossroads oh yes um let it be with mustard will it just yapping away what's the name here i'm sorry i once met um edward heath could you yeah and i said to him what time are you going back to salisbury and he said duran duran absolutely um they have actually done some research in uh france did anyone remember what the secret to eternal youth was according to the french she smokes [ __ ] doesn't she no no she she gave up when she was 105. bored because it wasn't killing her she must have enough coupons now to get anything she wants no they claim that the uh the secret something to do with eating ears isn't it we're at least doing it again what's the matter with the man close friends say he's been overworking the secret of eternal according to french uh is a lot of physical exercise not much work that's what they say you're looking well paula it's uh that's someone having a golf at her or making a slide yes exactly or a slight golf um it is everybody's everybody gone mad i can't hang about tonight because i'm doing the i'm doing the clive andersons i'm doing it now i can't hang about i've got to do live show at half ten on channel four oh right so at the end of this i've got to go who else is on i don't know just in case i haven't got there yet my um when she was 90 uh madame calmer sold her house at a discount to a lawyer who agreed that she could live there until she died in return he would pay 10 of its value every year until her death he's now spent enough money to buy three houses and she's applied for a job as sting's accountant gordon get your teeth into this one uh scientists spend 200 000 pounds on the crunch question what is he in his luck talking about i thought the world's oldest woman was janet street porter controversial very popular figure around here there's a boss party society hello how are you scientists have spent a huge amount of money researching into why cornflakes go mushy when you pour milk on them and at long lasting i have no idea what the answer was because you put milk on them uh i think it it definitely has something to do with the milk factor yes asked to clarify just what the problem what the problem was that the two-year study was trying to address professor peter belton explained when you put cereal in a bowl you don't want it to become so hard that you cut your mouth so it's the age-old problem of blood loss through severe cornflake laceration uh which soggy mess brings us snap crackle and popping to the end of round two and the story so far is that both teams are being equally stubborn neither willing to budge from six and so all hail round three and uh comedically challenged odd one out round uh paul your little lot ah paul gascoigne or gaza his girlfriend cheryl kyle or shazza paul yates or yazza and jay howard marshall ii is it breast implants oh well that's very gentlemanly that's really nice you could have said it was like gaza me and her had all dyed our hair yeah but he would have been wrong though i bet he would have been more of a gentleman mm-hmm yes but he would have been secret though isn't it your breast is um you certainly kept it quiet yeah i was straight on the phone to somebody with a greasy shirt in whopping saying please discuss my breasts with the naked can you buy the rights of my book yes it's terrible bloody media intrusion look the camera's here paula yeah she wasn't excited on this show please stop being unkind don't be uncomfortable he's professional shall i stop being unkind well there's only one way to sort this out if you want ian to stop being unkind phone 098 i am a bit worried because apparently your your current bow sort of beats people up doesn't he he sometimes gets a bit cross and if the photographers come in and they're from the wrong organization and you haven't sold the pictures to them we both punched them yet you voted well there we go fair enough two black eyes next week yes there's nothing wrong with physical power who's gonna have two black eyes next week you are you're not going jogging are you [Music] got something to do with the fact that they all dye their hair well a gentlemanly answer but unfortunately wrong oh wait a minute well he was he was seen the gaza he did the thing with the the fake breasts didn't on top of the bust the plastic breasts didn't they i mean they came back from the world cup or whatever she must be the odd one out the one at the right top because she's the only one who hasn't been seen um how do i put this however you put it it is it is the wrong answer um it is it is all of them are the proud owners of plastic breasts with the exception of the late oil billionaire j howard marshall ii who didn't own any unless you count the pair that came free with his wife when uh when gaza arrived in italy the lazio team roared and applauded when he turned up on the first day with a couple of hilarious pendulous breasts and an absurd beer belly that's until they realized they were real uh paula here had uh had a breast enlargement operation at the beginning of her relationship with michael hutchinson oh honestly angus how can you say that just sitting there talking the truth we don't know what the truth is yeah how do you know you mean the book's rubbish well i know that but i mean we're once again knowing how to judge an audience it took you six days to write this book you get writer's block or something you say one more thing he's gonna hit you i will not i'll take great pleasure in thumping my fist into that great face of yours it was around the beginning of the 10th century so caller put us right then is that all wrong did you not have breast enlargement operation at the beginning of your relationship with michael yes all right so much for sisterhood do you when you go along did i give you a like a wallpaper paper chart a sisterhood a woman just said yes is that what you said to helena christian said whoa you can always resort to physical violence after the show seriously when you go along do you get like a wallpaper chart book and you say well i'll have one of those they look quite good with a sideboard actually i might do that do you really want to know or do you take a bowler out along and say can you give us two of those [Applause] yeah and there's millions of bosoms yeah and you say i love those really yeah okay well thank you for putting a straight on that one paul anyway feel free i really despise you now we've despised information paula would you uh would you like another question oh god you're going to get one anyway um i'll give you an old one out your four wild things are uh humphrey the downey street cat uh the lions in trafalgar square gabriella sabatini and garnish the elephant god gabrielle sabatini is advertising milk that's why she has that little milky mustache and um ganesh um it says here another not another drop says ganish the elephant behind your head and then it says here amazing miracle and that is because don't even look at me [Applause] the reason that he is there is because he suddenly had this miracle where he was drinking he was drinking even your insults it was a miracle are you listening to you listening [Applause] is the right answer um gordon not quite as obvious as this might seem captain robert jenkins van gogh go sorry uh channel tunnel worker patneri and colin the mouse right well any ideas sperm of the devil i think this has probably got something to do with the ears or am i way this it's terrible really i mean sort of growing on this mouse but in about 20 years time you can say well you'll go to the doctor and say well i'll have the tongue of an anteater and you'll probably just put it in why would you want one oh you can read the newspapers and clean the windows at the same time or if your wife's upstairs waiting for you and you're downstairs watching matter today every time you shout goal she's more than happy the old one out is pat neary as uh all the others possessed just one human ear uh pat neary has two human ears although when he lost one of them in a fight it was sewn back onto the inner part of his upper leg the year works perfectly well though every time his wife tries to whisper sweet nothings he has to be careful uh not to poke her eye out and finally in this round ian the pope hugh grant princess diana and japan hugh grant's done something very embarrassing in hollywood mm-hmm made a film made nine months the odd one out yes because hugh grant's maybe done something embarrassing he certainly did well maybe i thought he's convicted i still don't believe it the japanese had to believe it's embarrassing or you don't believe he did it what's all this don't get unpopular by doing stuff about blow jobs the japanese had to say that they'd done something embarrassing in the war yeah you know but yeah public apologies public apologies is the right ground apologize to his girlfriend and liz hurley yeah so who has an opponent apologized publicly to herself for will carling and julia's appalling behavior i think she hasn't apologized to anyone she's the option out there in the end yes um hugh grant publicly apologized for his antics with divine brown divine is now releasing a record entitled what's going on which were the words spoken by hugh grant when the police turned up uh on the b side there's a track based on what divine was saying at the time that's an instrumental presumably uh which sorry state of affairs brings us groveling to the end of this round and a quick glance at the uh scoreboard confirms that ian and gordon are making do with the flat nine whilst paul and paula are boasting a silicon enhanced 10. and now as surely as night follows dinner we come to our final missing words round our usual array of blank words not to say faces this week intermixed with one or two from our guest publication the home of crucial cornflake research powder technology the international journal on the science and technology of wet and dry particulate systems uh oj out to what again buy gloves play football uh play golf oj to play around again and there's a reference to golf oh thank you very much uh next dynamic measurements for the stiffness constant of what tweetabits key fair enough i subscribe you know a good crossword yeah they do a spot the granule competition and they make three pin ups a bit next keep camilla under what charles what is today there's no missing word don't miss the word it makes perfect sense yes there is is it raps it is wraps well done very good uh next what equals v zero minus v infinity over v zero plus one minus rho zero over rho p v rho pi hang on a minute he's not liable to get it right is it exposed well we should be able to work it out all the information's there do you want a clue yeah uh it concerns the relationship between uni axial stress and bulk density they're cousins aren't they is this is this prince's new name the answer i'm gonna have to tell you is a simple a so you could have almost guessed it yeah that's so annoying what were you gonna say a astonishing no just didn't say that i thought there's no way it could be just a and yet general strength well i'm not speaking for the sperm of the devil here but i believe you and finally blair gives women what vote the heebie-jeebies pleasure on the other side of the road with his auntie's tongue i'll give gordon one for a vote his vote of confidence is in fact the right answer uh which should all of which blind panic why why why could you say why again paul you said that you're writing to points of view why why do you see her wink on points of view lately ann robinson is that her name it's sort of turned into a sort of like it's like she's had a stroke what does a woman think she's doing i think there's a bloke down here pulling it with a bit of thread you know what i watched it the other night i thought a woman that woman's on something i decided it was bbc one that's what's your next week points of view which will say and for those of you who miss johnny morris here he is again good night i think she sort of thinks people at home go ah isn't she gorgeous closes her eyes in seven separate stages somebody did that you on the bus you'd clock him wouldn't he i'm getting a pain in my chest anyway all of which brings us uh to the end of uh i'll tell you just about it uh the round and indeed this contest and the result is uh marginally less predictable than an iraqi election this week's ian histops being ian and gordon with 12 whilst this week's paul mertens are paul and paula with 13. so uh go in a minute all right because you're doing i've got to do clive show clive anderson yes i've forgotten that uh a case containing jamaican rum to our winners a case containing red rum to our losers you can be rude about the royal family but not horses that's right all folly eggs or polar yeah that's quite right she's our guest um but uh before before we return you'd know it no well yes anne robinson was our guest once a person all right who's the prime minister uh but before we retire to our beds with a steaming uh mug of ointment there remains the running saw that is our caption competition in ann gordon this was yours honest guys i had five numbers plus the bonus bowl you'll all get a share very tiny men found in plate of beans paul and paula uh this was yours the airborne shoe shop drops cargo friedman hardy and willis meet up after several years on which unfeasible note we say thank you to our panelists ian hislock and gordon kennedy paul merton and paulie yates and i leave you with news that there are suspicions that the duke of edinburgh may have gone on a vegetarian diet a unique photograph shows the view will carling got when he popped his head round the door of diana's health club to check the coast was clear and in blackpool there's a surprise photo opportunity as virginia bottomley displays her beaver good night [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: lfcizdabest

Views: 15,437

Keywords: hignfy, have i got news for you, british comedy, panel show, paul merton, angus deayton, ian hislop, paula yates, gordon kennedy

Id: I9X5SAGme7o

Length: 29min 10sec (1750 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 18 2020