HIGNFY S07E07

[Music] so [Music] good evening and welcome to the program that does to the news what certain tory mps do to your family elsewhere this week london traffic is brought to a standstill as roy hattersley dials out for a pizza after yet another member leaves the group bananarama hold auditions in leicester square and as the first train rumbles through the channel tunnel residents in kent fear it may have been built too close to the surface on ian hislop's team a woman who was recently voted the sexiest voice on british television which must have come as a bit of a blow to derek jameson film critic and sunday times economist mariela frost and with paul merton the man who last time who was on the show threw away a 12 point lead by holding a huge victory rally just before the final round leo so eyes down look in and it's clickety click round one uh ian and mariella uh something we're dressing down for you it's the homeless we've got another one or one who will be very soon perhaps yeah i thought it was the tory attractive millionaire to britain's scheme that they get they get free bed and board and they get to meet the prime minister which is uh probably why not many of them are taking up the office it's a sad site isn't it this this mild man appealing to the most basic instincts he can find bloody beggars on the streets lock him up is that worth a vote is it a and you're the man to do it here have a fight with him have a fight and get it on television do you want to fight prime minister well i might and i might not i can't commit myself at this stage to a fight um it is it's john mager's controversial assault on begging for which he has been attacked from all sides the labour party described him as small-minded the church said he was draconian and a [ __ ] says for their part the press are claiming that some beggars are conning the public one reporter in sheffield followed a man who spent the whole day posing as a down and out before driving off in a ten thousand pound car which the reporter hopes to have returned to him as soon as possible uh paul and neal a family affair for you he's given a lawnmower a scene two there i reckon he should get the father drunk and go for a full what a bunch of house honestly how do you think that when they flew in thought sad old cuckold with a couple of hard-faced slappers but it is the one thing that bill clinton and alan clark have in common they both like flashing don't they well i'm four old clarky you know i mean it takes a lot to make one sympathize with alan clark but this pathetic lunatic judge you know he wasn't allowed citizenship in south africa's he's too right-wing for them he's a member of the monday club over here he disappears off to south africa 14 years later he comes back because his wife and both daughters have had away with clark saying i'm looking for justice bloody whites coming over here uh it is it's odd actually that we haven't actually mentioned the answer but it is there is no answer yeah it's immunization [Laughter] it is about uh judge james harkis whose wife and daughters were all seduced by uh former conservative minister alan clark a daughter josephine described the ghastly ordeal all i got were a few minutes of sex i remember him leaving and i can remember feeling dirty he made me feel like a dog there was no tenderness no love he came around the next night and i slept obviously this was just to make sure it was as ghastly uh clark first tory mp who actually does believe in the family [Applause] uh he was actually due to appear on this program but uh on second thoughts he mysteriously dropped out which is rather unlike him to pull out at the last minute ian and marielle some not quite so popular entertainment for you he hasn't had all them has he it's a very late night program what do you want me to do dress up is ridiculous that's obviously an example of the sort of quality program that carlton are now showing because they're embarrassed about the other programs that they were reprimanded for by the itc and in fact straight after they were reprimanded they dragged my program forward to 10 40 at night and now when was this program on before 12 30 at night it's now 10 40. right that's prime time is it absolutely you wouldn't know because you've never been on prime time charlton actually came out lower than border television and teletext i feel like here for something no no no heaven for friend um anyway you got the two points you can't be blamed for your choice of employers really can you no no we all have to work i mean let's face it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you want the sunday times as well don't you yeah in fact what i'd really like to do is pull out a copy now of the private eye version of my column which is actually not funny at all which is really sad i don't think there's much of an exclusive in private eye not being funny um no it is it is the severe criticism of gmtv and carlton by the independent television commission in their annual review of itv companies gmtv paid 34 million pounds for tv am franchise yet so far all they've done is to get rid of mike morris 34 million not entirely wasted then paul and neal god uh knows what the answer is to this one um i don't know alan clark is a family reunion it's it's john patton loosely described as the education sector john patton is in dispute or has been in dispute with the national association of head teachers because he is having as he described a crackdown on those head teachers who are failing to comply with the law requiring a broad teaching of christianity so these head teachers are refusing to have an assembly yes the only trouble is if one 10 of them go together they get nick for picketing so it's you know it's devil in the people who seem really very difficult yeah it is instead heads want re to draw on elements from various religions so kids will be taught to love thy neighbor by christians to harm no living creature by buddhists and to seek out and destroy any novelists they disagree with by muslim fundamentalists which divine inspiration brings this opening round to a merciful conclusion and the good news is that the schools are as far apart from each other as the taste of sainsbury's cola is from coca-cola both teams having an identical four [Music] so time to put snobbery to one side as we go below stairs for a taste of workish tabloid life uh paul a cunning slice of wordplay for you if it splits you're on a hiding to nothing oh this is the musical condom isn't it it's got a little somebody's invented a musical condoms a little micro chip in the bottom of it and uh if it splits it suddenly plays a bit of music well it gives you something to tap its feet to i suppose but um the beatles had a song didn't they years ago your mother should know that should be alan clark's condom you're once twice three times a lady i hope she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes have you seen your mother baby standing in the shadows i don't think they got the right composer you know it's classical music well yeah it should have been beethoven note the joy or uh alternatively uh frank schubert's unfinished symphony much more appropriate my case would be the minute waltz if any time you get your socks off yes so i've heard uh this is the invention of a new uh musical condom right yeah oh yeah uh which if it bursts again yeah the italian inventor lino mission said when a condom breaks you need to be warned urgently he now has spent years perfecting the invention on himself and is this week celebrating with his wife and 14 children neil a story uh to make you feel at home i love you yes this is this is difficult to credit but it's true this is the upcoming miss sheep wales contest and the interesting thing is that the sheep there are 11 million of them in whales just trips off i get a lot of sleepless nights so i just count the sheep there's 11 million 11 million and four that's why you're brandon in case you're unfaithful by mistake the great thing is they're going to be judged as the competition organizers have said not only on looks but on personality too a bit like the labour leadership contest in keeping with uh other beauty pageants the victorious miss sheep wales 94 will get the opportunity to meet people and travel abroad although if she's got any sense you'll give france a miss the judges say that they'll be looking for the usual attributes in the winning contender grooming poise character and as few straggly bits as possible hanging down the back of their legs uh mariella australians have a word for that yes it's called dag a bit of [ __ ] hangs off the back of a sheep it's the australian sword they get a word for anything damn nothing i didn't know he was bilingual didn't you astonishing and don't forget you heard it here first unless they're watching the repeat so if you're watching repeat you've heard it here a second uh yes but they might not seen the first show so you did see it here first up uh mariella a merry old soul or a tale of one for you um king-sized coal good king ko um it's about chancellor cole is about to go to a summit i can't remember i think it might be a greek island but it's definitely a nice mediterranean island and they can't find a bed on the island that's big enough for him because he's 20 stone and six foot six and so they've now got i think four weeks to build him some sort of construction so that he can get a good night's sleep and you know pour forth his wisdom to the world it's the reinforcement of the floors that is going to cause the real problem clark's coming to stay as well it is this is the preparations for the european union summit uh at which german chancellor helmut cole has demanded the construction of a special king-size bed in keeping with his political standing in europe john major and douglas heard so they're happy with their accommodation and we'll take it in turns to go on the top bunk ian a spot of helpful advice for you if you want trains live in the city it's um there was some man i can't remember what his name was who works for british rail who was asked why there aren't any suburban services anymore not even suburban like country services and he said look if you want to train go and live in the city don't hang around in norfolk expecting a train out the middle of the countryside by a big platform saying station we don't have trains there we have trains from my office to five minutes away to another fat idiot's office but you wonder if they've got an attitude like that before they've been privatized either how can it get worse oh they're just rehearsing it's a rehearsal angus it is it is his name it's david mcintosh is it hmm that's interesting david mcintosh mr mcintosh justified his comments saying you have to realize that trains are a luxury he's clearly not travelled on one recently mr mcintosh concluded british rail is not a social services department although they're clearly doing their best to release nut cases into the community which uh second class squabbling brings the buffers to the end of round two and a quick glance at the information board reveals that both teams are refusing to be prised apart both ian and mariella and paul and neal firmly wedded to eight time now for the odd one out round a game which statistically a laboratory chimpanzee would get right once every four goes that's roughly double the frequency of the average panelist four interesting personalities which one's the john kepley uh paul your figures are fun ah tony hancock peter sellers sir arthur bomber harris and nelson mandela well um tony hancock competed to sellers once appeared in the same film a film called orders his orders made in 1955 and golden simpson has written charles middleton in it no no he died in 1949 one of the main reasons why he wasn't in the movie they were willing to audition him but nobody had a spade so gordon and simpson have written for hancock and they've also written for peter sellers a film called the wrong armor law made in 1963. um nelson mandela appeared in a film written by cortland simpson was never released unfortunately um called let me out and bomber harris is on the phone there so i think the odd one out is peter sellers is he's anyone who's not a statue put up to him witches i thought the statue of tony hancock owned birmingham when people boom and somebody said oh it shouldn't you know he only lived here for his first two years of his life and he lived in bournemouth so you shouldn't put it up here but they say well that's all right so he did we're getting the answer backwards now complicated isn't it i've just noticed that three of them are white this is i owe this to forensic science nelson mandela is the only one who's had his photograph taken in front of my shirt no wonder he's smiling he's got his back to it yes um yes the last six words of your original answer were absolutely correct is that all of them have had statues erected in their honor or about to except for peter sellers whose proposed statue in balum was turned down apparently it wasn't the statue of sellers itself they objected to is the figure of princess margaret kneeling in front of him when the statue of bomber harris was unveiled by the queen mother eggs and paint were thrown and there was a barrage of abusive language apparently they wouldn't have to stop at the bookies on the way there uh neil four old friends for you to bernadingham lord parkinson lady olga maitland and woodrow wyatt the news of the world's voice of reason i mean this is difficult too because the same department of forensic science instructs me that three of them are of the male species i think it also too to say that at some time in their past all three of the men have been members of the labour party and lady olga maitland and the close to section five of the labor party constitution would never ever be allowed into the labor party so and what is section two clause five no no it stops people [Applause] because you haven't that all of them were once supporters of the labour party but have since all moved to the right over the exception of lady olga maitland uh for whom were moved to the right would mean falling off the edge woodrow wyatt formerly a labour mp is now quoted as saying if i was not myself i should like to be rupert murdoch you really have to be not yourself to want to be rupert um mariella you're uh four heartthrobs uh daniel day lewis shane mcgowan formerly of the pogues andy townsend of aston villa and the duke of wellington who is this man he's the very sexy heartthrob ex-leader of a group called the pogues of course he is it's a popular beat combo shane mcgann is definitely irish this footballer here is wearing a very irish type of football jersey it's got a bit of a sort of clover on it it's green as well isn't it shamrock i beg your pardon it's green as well so it's very emerald it's always a bit of a clue in it the duke of wellington i think was irish which he didn't play for us well he may have it's only tanzanian wrong one out because he's not irish no daniel day-lewis is the the odd one out because he's not irish but well i'll i'll give you one point for uh getting sort of in the right big deal very generous but uh you haven't got the right guy it's that all of them act as if they're irish uh though they were born in england except for the duke of wellington who prefer to see himself as english even though he was born in ireland uh once when called an irishman the duke is alleged to have said being born in a stable does not make one a horse i think i think jesus will be with him on that one uh shane mcgowan was born in england and educated at westminster public school but he claims 50 irish blood the other 50 being a mix of vodka whiskey and meth daniel day lewis was born in london and became an irish citizen at the age of 30. he recently denied that he had started to affect his irishness although he was wearing a green suit and carrying a pig under his arm at the time uh andy townsend hang on a minute what's why should the irish people be carrying a pig under their arm it's just one of those things bro it's called racism isn't it it's just it's just one of those things they do you know thing i've never seen anybody doing that in ireland have you ever seen anybody doing that in the west midlands have an irishman under their arm if if there is somebody uh andy townsend if you're in gundam it's just one of those things paul it's just a little little caricature that people paint of certain nationalities you know like scotsman and kilts or right it is racism yeah look kinnick's got a leak on his head [Applause] now there's a scottish name yep that means he must be very very very mean and he's got a haggis under his arm actually uh got a point on the first couch i have an english father and a scottish mother which means that i'm both stuck up and mean i'm extremely well dressed yes thank you very much carry on skirting transvestite i speak you've got a dagger in your sock have you i'd go for the full pig actually i told you already when you were on your knees in my dressing room that i was busy if you don't pick those up you get your comedy card taken away yeah that's true what can i do a pathetic experience i immediately apologize thank you this is the man who's just taken the high moral line on racism i never said i was consistent excuse me exactly are you saying it's immoral to ask me out later yeah i'd classify that as slack excuse me i don't care what he calls me i've got it today i'm just dating agency there you go uh andy townsend if you can remember him uh the guy he doesn't he's a guy doesn't walk around with a big understand uh he is the republic of ireland football captain as you may know but he was actually born in maidston kent and then he got the chance to play in the island team because of his irish grandmother she pulled a hamstring just before the demo and finally in this round ian four fresh-faced youngsters for you clive james jeremy paxman miriam margulies and malcolm briefken mp that's frightening this question is about university challenge um which uh jeremy paxman is now going to take over jeremy paxman's at cambridge but he never got on the program himself and all the others did clive james was on university challenge when he was young so was miriam margolis and so was malcolm rifkind very bright student apparently sad descent malcolm rifkin's memories of university challenge are that he got drunk when he was on it and kept pressing the button accidentally it's very reassuring now that he's secretary of state for defence all of which erudite questioning halted by the sound of the silent gong brings an end to this particular challenge and the state of play is that uh ian and mariella are quietly dropping out with eleven whilst paul and neal are very much quids in with 12. and now it's time for our panelists to guess what lies behind the black oblong for them of course that usually means the eyes of a reader's wife but tonight the task is in hand to identify the missing words this week's guest publication from which none or more headlines may come is that indispensable journal laundry and cleaning news international so uh ian and mariella uh you're lying last so guess first with queen mum's joy at 400th what win birthday uh i'll give you one for 400 telegram from the queen you're going to give me one for win i can even give you a point for win yes can i possibly have had two points if you said race win yes you would have done because that's the real answer uh next uh liverpool's what biggest in the country biggest laundry liverpool's dirty laundry certainly the biggest country is it population fall uh sadly it is yes population loss in the 90s to be precise uh next tortillo may go what away ahead go for gold for the shops the woman came into my surgery in constituency a few weeks ago and i said do you have a backup this is true she and she started talking about that mr portaloo to health no you lose bottomly you get portillo another win for the health service uh what must overcome their apathy i don't care vote it it's probably something like laundromats or something or dry cleaners is the right answer obviously a keen fan of laundry including new international they are pathetic once you go in with a suit they just say no can you come back tomorrow thank you uh paul and neal it's your shout out yoga university offers what places too smarter than the average bear there's this party that does yogic elevation yeah it's so it could be flying the natural degrees and levitation is what it in fact was uh with only five points in it incredibly exciting this is the big one mariella next uh as alan clark would say let's bring a whole new meaning to the phrase how's your father doesn't it uh bottomly demand support for what major one parent family chelsea uh families you said the word family i said families now the family as well after uh next brown steps down what um brown steps down from brown house it's from leadership isn't it yes i'll give you two for that because it's actually the first tony crown so it's actually rather more familiar than you were thinking and finally with only two points in it so uh virtually exciting moon in line for what eclipse it is in fact e c membership is a rather bizarre uh answer according to the sunday telegraph so it's bound to be wrong all of which ministerial fumblings bring us embarrassingly to the end of the round not to say the competitive but i think i might do this again all of which ministerial fumblings bring us embarrassingly to the end of the round say nothing of the contest which seems entirely justified and a shifty glance downwards at the luminous digits reveals that this week's grumpy old men are ian mariello what is your first language by the way icelandic nobody knows i had a shifty glass down glance [Applause] a shifty glass is what i had before the show has anyone got a talkative three-year-old in the audience uh yes anyway this week's grumpy old men are ian and mariella with 16 whilst this week's goodfellas are paul and neal with 18. [Music] so a night in the subway for our winners a night outside the savoy for our losers and i leave you with news that in brixton high street the local drug squad are beginning to suspect something a prize-winning photograph captures the exact moment when a spot bursts on nicolas soam's face and sport in the first ball of the test match against new zealand there's an awkward moment for mike atherton as he realizes he's forgotten his bat goodnight

Channel: lfcizdabest

Views: 35,331

Keywords: hignfy, have i got news for you, british comedy, panel show, paul merton, angus deayton, ian hislop, mariella frostrup, neil kinnock

Id: GnzDa1DZT2w

Length: 28min 30sec (1710 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 17 2020