HIGNFY S10E03

[Music] [Applause] [Music] good evening and welcome to have i got news for you and before you turn over to watch julia somerville on news at 10 let me assure you that she does feature on this show as well elsewhere in the news this week after a pilot falls ill with food poisoning the only passenger not to have had the meal steps forward to take over the controls commuters react as the 645 to east croydon leaves victoria on time and in westminster a man whose days must surely be numbered as the tide of public opinion begins to turn meets the prime minister speaking of which on ian hislop's team a man who in his capacity as head of arts programs has made london weekend's cultural output what it is today one hour a week and with paul merton tonight a man who was one of the ultimate victims of thatcher's britain a male impressionist mike yarwood so once more into the breach that is round one in and melvin chapter 94 of the never ending saga for you ah right freddie mercury competition peter lilly kenneth baker this is the a1 tech the follow-up to the matrix churchill where the government set up a lot of british businessmen and then dumped on them many of you will know the feeling and um they were gagging orders what he was signing both him and peter lilly were signing these bits of paper that stop information going before a court that might um let you off and these four blokes sold well deodorants they said they were um to iraq but they were armed and the government was fully aware of this and said yeah go and sell them and then customs said are these blades selling arms to iraq we better arrest them government said i have no idea there's a government as usual trying to get people in jail so they can let them out later it is a current affairs program this government is light entertainment okay yes it is the case of uh businessman paul grecian is the person involved who is encouraged by the government to sell arms to iraq and to spy for mi6 that is until he was arrested for selling arms to iraq paul grisham was given the code name raven by his spymasters obviously in the prior knowledge that he was never going to leave the tower of london uh paul and mike uh this is the this is the headless pig they're breeding the sausage it doesn't answer back oh did that lord know that would know them go away you know the mps have to declare everything they earn and all that kind of thing and it was then the labour won the vote by some like 53 votes i think it's a lot of fuss i mean you know if nps want to earn a barbecue outside if it's legal what the heck you know i mean i'll be perfectly honest with you if i've been offered a fee to appear on the show i would have taken it um why did we see ted heath there well why not he's a nice man was the senior man protesting against that's right it was an amazing argument to the commons that the argument was that tory mps have to have these extremely well paid outside jobs or they have no connection with the real world it was funny they didn't get jobs as hospital let's porters the tories isn't it tonight and that's another thing so with tori now they'd never get their full title conservative tory tory full title is crooked we sense you're a bit upset about this i do think things have been a bit lopsided recently frankly and you're here to set things straight not really i just taught myself out of even less work than i'm getting already it's time for a right-wing comedian cabinet's nearly empty ian and melvin smile please it's julia summerville yes julia it's boot's new service yeah you take your film in and they put your picture on the front of the sun except that bruce fought back quickly and said that that man whose head covered sheldon worked for kodak and uh people seem to think that blind is really at the police station or some policemen the may just have phoned up a newspaper and said we've got julia somerville here and her partner is accused of taking his many photographs of this child it's disgraceful it's got public uh and people won't go to boots kodak or police stations ever again we'll have uh even julia somerville the when pushed on whether a policeman had leaked the story scotland yard said none of our officers are responsible julius somerville's employers itn said it's totally ridiculous to suggest that anyone who took pornographic photos would have them developed at boots unless you get a much quicker service at snappy snaps according to a child psychologist ray wire even as adults we get uncomfortable when our elderly parents bring out snaps of us naked lying on rugs especially if they were taken last new year's eve paul and mike what's all this then no no yes this is i know this this is northampton the they've decided that the police are gonna sort of chase because it'll be cheaper to chase villains on bus they get on the bus so some bank robbers are away getting away and they'll follow them in the bus and after a while the bank robbers will say there's no point in having a getaway car let's just go down the road that doesn't have a bus room and the police will be going i need to turn left past the post office we'll get off at the next stop where is it happening northampton is correct i'm gonna have to give you all the points uh a spokesman uh admitted that it could lengthen the response time to police call out uh when they do come now three or four will come at once which daylight robbery brings us back to right at the end of round one and the situation is that uh neither side has stolen any kind of march both sitting pretty on four well later in the program the teams can look forward to being forced on pain of death to compose some amusing captions to this something to be getting on within the moments of heightened tedium well it's time now for a special never to be repeated one-off round that's unless it works which we've called our impersonation challenge uh this features this features our high-tech impressionometer which will there it is randomly select a series of celebrities and every time it does both teams have to nominate one person to do an impression of that celebrity and points for whichever one is uh the better will then be in my gift uh obviously with the top professional impressionist on the panel in the shape of ian hislock it's gonna be pretty one-sided uh nevertheless let's raise no more time and roll the impressionometer [Music] impressive huh and uh who the thought harold wilson um paul who are you nominating i'll do this one we need the points yes controversial uh decision uh who's gonna do yours um melvin paul they're gonna be quite short can't they yeah yeah that's good well i think as i said at the brighton conference in 1950 i didn't know harold wilson was welsh no it was uh positively no that was very good yeah himself yeah ian let's hear yours well he's hell up here in heaven really yeah but i'm gonna modernize it with a wise eating technology it'll take a long time it will take it'll take me a very long time but then then i've got a very long it time harold wilson well the points very obviously have to get to paul and mike's team um so to our second chillingly accurate impersonation for which we roll the impressionometer why do i feel my career has ended and astonishingly it's another voice from yesteryear eddie waring the uh the late great rugby league commentator paul who are you going to nominate uh this time yeah i'm sure how well you say now we used to commentate on the rugby up in a hour fast endless and oh [Music] uh ian what about your team i'm nominating melvin again just do the same as you do can you just give us in [ __ ] let's now see who's thrown up this time as we roll the impressionometer [Music] incredibly the random selection is 70s heartthrob melvin brown so uh paul who are you going to nominate who's going to happen i'll have a go right so it's paul merton ian during the days when he sounded like howard wilson who are you going to choose ian um i get to nominate melvin paul i can't do it at all navigate to melbourne on the south exchange season because that was the name with ourselves at the time that's lily savage there's more than one person who comes from liverpool i can do a very good alex here's the liverpool constituency yes how's it going alec guinness in the in kind hearts and covenants is the old priest when dennis price is walking around into the old priest showing him around the church he says um the view for my wealth window has all the exuberance of joshua yes i'm sure you can melvin would you like to try melvin bragg yeah it goes something like this that's fine thank you it's not easy to do yourself that's very good unless you're very lonely uh i'm going to give the the marks to melvin for impersonating himself uh right for the final time then let's roll that impressionometer [Music] and yes out of all those it could have chosen it's the familiar face of pop star jimmy somerville uh paul who are you nominating to impersonate me some of them do you know who jimmy somerville is well you know he's a pop super yeah now uh yeah go on then when i first joined the community in 1968 that's eddie waring isn't it uh ian don't leave me this way [Music] can't imagine doing question time again a thoughtless impersonation until you started singing well you can have the point so jimmy vanderville was in geneva last week where he was so appalled by the sight of 12 lobsters living in a tank at a seafood restaurant that he bought the lot for one thousand pounds and in spite of the waiters protestations release them all into the lake unfortunately because they're sea creatures it was a fresh water lake they all died instantly which impressionable nonsense brings this round to an end and uh well a short march uh now does seem to have been stolen with paul and mike on five and ian and melvin just ahead on seven uh almost over familiar obon outround now follows uh four memorable james bonds which runs the george lazenby uh paul your uh four towering intellect uh harold pinter eric bristow michael kane and brandon lee well uh michael caine howard pincer and eric bristow all in a band called fister which they started in the early 60s they made a record called losing the light which was on the uh bowman records label i think and i think brandon leaves the odd one out because the other three all formed this brand winner at the same school together the drugs that paul is on tonight i'm available any chemist if you get a combination right um it's not actually the right answer i have to well the brandon lee is the other now uh brandon lee is the one yes and the other three went to the same school which is hack me down which is just going to close on the beginning of the new year the answer is an invite or just uh couldn't manage him and his wife uh the answer is um i didn't hear that what did you say i'm just giving you the answer for the odd one out is brandon lee whose real name is brian mckinnon who at the age of 32 re-entered his old school uh bears den as a pupil and studied there for 12 months before being found out in fact he only gave his age away when he asked the teacher where the new textbooks were michael kane attended hackney downs and his first ever words on stage were in a school nativity play my name's virgin mary you've done a vague approximation of some sort of cockney accent you might have heard on a bus somewhere when you didn't have any money let's have michael kane right my name's michael caine it might be more impressive if the floor manager didn't have to start the applause uh mike chris eubank lord sterling diane abbott mp and colin the pigeon chris eubank just retired from boxing dan abbott hasn't he might have i don't know what monk else would say i really am diane abbott is the only woman now that might not be the right answer but it is a correct answer but colin's the only pidgin sterling was in the news recently because he was um he was caught on a train not having paid for his ticket chairman of piano quite entertaining and he said i couldn't buy a ticket because there were all these people in the ticket windows and buying tickets and i couldn't wait i'm lord sterling so he got on the train and he could go and said where's your ticket he said um i haven't got one and the black to the right you pay the ticket and the fine and lord sterling said i'll give you the money whatever it is i have some change but i won't pay the fine and he um the ticket collector obviously i'm putting this politely said yes you will mate and lord sterling went through the normal procedures of bringing up this ticket collector's boss and saying i'm lord sterling drop this and the boss went yes of course sir i'll give you one for that um the answer is that they've all been caught on trains without a valid ticket except colin the pigeon who being a pigeon tends to go unchallenged in fact the new scientist magazine reported recently that some pigeons have actually learned how to travel up and down the london underground system inside tube trains although some of them are still having trouble with the northern line splitting into kennington when when chris eubank was found without the right ticket police warned him that he didn't have to say anything but anything he did say was likely to be pretentious melvin your creative quartet uh elton john rachel white reed christo and christo rachel whiteread did a sculpture of a house a house-sized house in the east end of london inside inside out which was highly acclaimed uh by people with a source of pride a lot of people in the area and of course was knocked down by the council the christos rough houses up in uh various materials to conceal them their performance artist except i'll give you one point uh the answer is that they've all been involved in wrapping up buildings apart from artist rachel whiteread who filled a terraced house in mile end with liquid concrete an act that won widespread praise in the art world but severe criticism from the higgston family who were inside watching coronation street at the time elton john once wrapped the music venue hammersmith odeon in pink and green striped paper with a red ribbon and gift tag that read merry christmas love from elton a wasted effort as unfortunately that year his wife renato had actually wanted the garfield pajama case and finally in this round uh ian agatha christie mystic meg alastair campbell and melvin bragg only one of them is a novelist mystic meg um comes up with predictions for the lottery but not the numbers was she no i think that would make it too easy for people to ride i'm guessing but alastair campbell is blair's assistant this is to do it predict anything to do with campbell got campbell hit a bloke in the commons once he hit a journalist from the guardian who made a maxwell joke on the night he died michael white said he was doing an impression and he said you should have seen him it this is was and council was working at the mirror then campbell won't hit him out of loyalty naturally he's a loyal guy he was loyal to maxwell he's loyal to blair i didn't say he had taste i said he's loyal [Music] this is a literary question you were sort of in the right area initially is mystic mega novelist she has written a novel what is it it's like a long book with loads of turn the page words then there's another load of words and it's all made up out of your own head um it is that all of them except agatha christie have written pornographic literature you're not saying that yeah i'm not saying the bank manager box the 16 year old was pornographic hershey was 18 right and we don't call it bonking in my novel right was it a bonk manager then yes was it published in hardback yeah some of those are quite difficult to hold up with one uh yeah okay well melvin bragg won the literary uh reviews bad sex prize which one of them were uh he was nominated twice once for this extract from his novel uh crystal rooms she came to a climax feasting engine really kissing until the piercing moment when she shut it on and he turned her pushed in deep as she lay down and kept catching an intention as mark drove in apart from the scene where miss marple lay face down fist clenching and unclenching as he major drove in uh tony blair's press secretary aleister campbell uh used to write pornography for forum magazine mystic meg wrote steamy stories for men only magazine although mystic meg is obviously a pseudonym her real name being mystic doris all of which are rumpy pumping brings us bouncing to the end of this odd round and the latest news is that well paul and mike are playing dead with eight whilst ian and melvin are alive and kicking with nine which only leaves us time to scoot through a few missing words our guest publication this week being the magazine you just can't put down or indeed pick up concrete the concrete magazine for the construction industry anyway away we go with gin drinking turns donkeys into what highly desirable beings into really unpleasant kind of guys well that's not fair enough very poor mixes next it's true next is german what day concrete oddly enough it is the right answer uh it's april 28th if you want to put it in your day in hamburg um next supermarket's thrust bananas into what lady but she is still a dissatisfied customer very surprised man tiny shoelaces next hot and cold weather effect plastic what paulie ace i'm not allowed to say those words plastic concrete is the right answer and finally i thought what i thought i saw a pussycat creeping up on me i did i saw a pussycat her creeping up on me i'm afraid uh your answer does actually make more sense than uh than the right one which is i thought lenny loud and revolting only was shocked by some of gentle he was uh the story of the real lenny henry as reported in the daily mail on wednesday presumably our particularly good lunch at the tight setters which uh thoughtless impersonation of headless chickens brings us to the final throws of this week's belt and the outcome is that paul and mike are this week's mashed turnips with eight roster ian and melvin are this week's magic mushrooms with 13. so to our winners the chance to turn on the oxford street christmas lights to our losers the job of getting them out of the attic and trying to find which bulb was blown sadly there's just time to wrap up our caption competition so what do you think of this don't worry mr parker bowles i'm doing this operation have you heard the joke about the new disney film and scott will calling in it it's called peculiness and i leave you with news that in yeovil the liberal democrats policy advisors go out for a quick bike ride after the man at number 35 academic gardens fails to return the man at number 36 his lawnmower a local police fear an escalation and after keith richards complains that his left nostril is blocked a team of specially trained experts go in good night you

Channel: lfcizdabest

Views: 22,532

Keywords: hignfy, have i got news for you, british comedy, panel show, paul merton, angus deayton, ian hislop, melvyn bragg, mike yarwood

Id: NKELVCim26M

Length: 28min 33sec (1713 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 20 2020