HIGNFY S05E04

the headlines received their weekly hammering from angus deaton [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] good evening and welcome to the program that treats everyone like royalty unless of course they're members of the royal family in the news this week there are fears that virgin radio is costing richard branson so much that he's been forced to scale down virgin airlines [Laughter] sport and after stephen hendry wins the world snooker championship at the crucible the irish squad take the team event by storm and in the midlands there's an unseemly brawl at the duncan goodhue appreciation society well many people have attempted to get on this show by sleeping with one of the team captains tonight we have someone who's not just slept with one but even went as far as marrying him the actress who's already being described as mrs merton caroline quentin [Applause] uh sorry i don't i don't mind you saying all that but why did i have to sleep with you as well it's just in the contract but thank you anyway and on mr quentin's side someone who'd like to make it clear that he hasn't slept with anyone he shouldn't have which is rather strange because he is in fact a member of a royal family please welcome prince baz of the arifi tribe in nigeria and daily mail journalist to boot bazbamigboy and so we shift uneasily into round one two bits of shoddy camera work per team what story are they attempting to convey ian and caroline where and how much group four's annual barbecue no that's that's windsor castle burning that's buckingham palace not burning yeah not burning but you're going to be able to go in this oh that's that's a lou they're going to the stores you can pay 10 pence and watch the queen having a pee when you go in windsor castle burnt and um then the public were meant to pay for it and the public said we're not going to pay for it so the queen said fair enough i'll set up a fund which of course no one gave any money to because they didn't want to pay for it but she never gives up um so now she's come up with a brilliant wheeze that sherlock and buckingham palace and the public can pay eight pounds to see the things that they've already paid for with their taxes so um on your right the staircase where diana fell down uh yes it is the uh the news that buckingham palace is to be open to the public at eight pounds of time there'll be special reductions for the unemployed so prince edward will get in cheap every every visitor will have access to all but the royal family's most private rooms that's unless he's michael fagan or a texan uh it's also been announced that the public will now be charged a mission to windsor castle so when it was in perfect condition it was free now it's burnt out shell it costs three quid fair enough uh who and why oh this is a new interflora dial of pratt service i don't know this is a traffic jam ah someone i know that's richard branson john green john this is something to do with um that the government's uh attempt to try and stop mayday isn't it which uh they want to bring in the government wants to bring in trafalgar day in october that of course will upset um will upset our european partners weren't it because they got stuffed have you ever worked for the diplomatics i think it could be right it's the argument about whether or not to keep the mayday bank holiday those in favor say it's crucial because it's the day when dancing traditionally takes place those against should be abolished for exactly the same reason the protest marches many of them maurice dancers descending on descended on the houses of parliament historically morris dancers have apparently been regarded as fertility symbols and presumably there's nothing more fertile than someone who hasn't had it for weeks because he's wearing a top hat and breeches among the revelers were mad jack's dancers the hampshire garland and the so-called loose women of maidstone once they turned up there was no trouble getting the mp's attention ian and caroline who and how on earth grapefruit well spotted thanks another great fruit yeah oh that's the plane he never got on yeah that's his getaway vehicle too fast for the serious fraud office isn't this um this is the man from del monte who say no sir azil nadir no i'm not going to face trial absolutely not i'm getting on a plane well they have a tip-off that he was going to leave the country on sunday sunday yesterday left on tuesday yeah completely fooled though i like the fact that he was a major donor to the conservative party doesn't that make you feel cheery and isn't there a funny suggestion that he was helped on his way well they let him go oh come on i don't know what the daily mail will think of that sort of reasoning uh it's uh it's azil nadir who's flown to northern cyprus jumping his three and a half million pound bail she was originally granted on condition that he stay in belgravia i wouldn't mind being on bail if i had to stay in belgravia it turns out that the dpp the lord chancellor and the head of the serious fraud squad are also in cyprus for a conference on fraud well if they need a guest speaker the first company he bought was a cash and carry business how prophetic that turned out to be apollo baz we want information we've got a new rubber pickaxe who's nick the wallpaper oh this is that um that east german guy marcus wolf oh yes who's uh a bit upset definitely is that him yeah and what does marcus do paul he used to work for the east german secret service and there was a suspicion that john le carre used him as one of the characters in the spy who came in from the cold but john the carrier has denied that it was in fact this man because he named the character wolf after his lawnmower what rubbish damn yes it would appear to be right yes i'm normally sorry it was just a fluke uh yes it is former east german spy master marcus wolfe now on trial in the west for basically doing his job too well not a problem that would ever arise at mi5 one of wolff's ploys were to uh seduce unsuspecting secretaries with a team of so-called romeo agents giveaway having them wandering around in and hoes declaring their love to women on balconies as uh i thought he gave them sort of presence of soap or something sort of some soap that's been currently advertised yes it's got life boy it's cooper soap the soap you can trust you can leave it with 50 quid on the mental piece and you'll come back and you'll still be there unlike azil nadir so which chronic endeavors drag us screaming to the end of this formative stage and look at the crimson digits reveal that uh joyously both ian and mrs merton and paul and prince bhaz have the requisite four [Applause] time now to briefly test the temperature of what's come to be known as our caption competition two unsightly eyesores for you to fix in your mind ian and caroline this is yours we'll look forward to that one um paul and baz you can have this one always hilarious and so we barge unceremoniously into our headlines round round in which there are four headlines hence the name uh four all the vice girls love an ab sailor this is the um the uh ladies of the night in tiger bay who are going on a sort of uh what do you call a sort of uh kind of adventure holiday aren't they it sounded like a duke of edinburgh's scheme or something [Laughter] allegedly he's been married a long time he can do what he likes um he's sort of been sent on this holiday haven't they yeah the council was sent them or something that's right why to make them happier or something yes i'm sure the local councillors don't like going with miserable tarts is that a problem it is the loose women of cardiff this time who are exchanging their stockings and stilettos for stout walking shoes much as frank boff does every morning as part of a charity scheme to introduce them to new experiences the prostitutes are to be taken to the brecon beacons where they will be lashed together with rope for rock climbing and pulling on rubber wetsuits for canoeing sounds like a normal day but without the retired judge one of them said we said no to abseiling because we thought it meant being pulled in a boat i think i think they're confusing it with shagging a sailor but they're participating prostitutes have been told to bring three pounds in a lunch box let's hope none of them misunderstand that one a uh a south cardiff police sergeant said with the amount of money these girls charge they could afford their own day out i wonder how he knows how much they charge uh baz a heartwarming story of a dog in his bank account for you dog gets a 60 million pound lead is this the one about um an alsatian um who was left 60 million pounds by his owner but i think there was a proviso wasn't there something about um he'd have to buy a football team sort of win a lot united or something like that yes it sounds extraordinary but it's absolutely true uh it's gunter the third is his name gunther yes to you uh to everyone uh announcation who's been left 60 million pounds by his owner countess carlotta liebenstein one of the conditions of her will naturally enough is that the money is spent on buying a football club for him it'll be the first time a soccer club's been owned by a large ferocious animal since robert maxwell sold derby a family lawyer maurizio means said unfortunately the dog isn't even capable of standing up well perhaps you should take over at nottingham forest caroline some healthy smut for you ec sauce isn't this some sort of eec regulation that they're going to ban um smutty postcards you know the sort of big bosomed ladies and policemen with their trousers around their ankles and thin vicars with their bums showing you're going to say no aren't you i've said all that um i'm losing a postcard with thin vicar with a bum showing you want to get out more that's it that's the one try to be nice we try to be kind you wait yeah i will right now see your bloody after after this beer ian shall we let them sit together as if i recommend a good lawyer i bet you know a few no you don't actually [Applause] feel as if i'm in the middle of a situation comedy here it's only a question of time um caroline you were talking about saucy's postcards i seem to remember she was talking about thin vickers with their bums i guess that's it that's all i've got to say on the subject in that case is it right yes it is it's the news that ec officials have issued a directive proposing a ban on saucy seaside postcards this could mean an end to such priceless gems as how would you like to try length under water move your balls i can't get you all in and have a suck before it goes soft and of course the amusing thing is of course that he could almost have been talking about his penis manning is reported as saying these easy busy bodies should remember that laughter makes the world a better place especially all those jokes about chinks and pakis bernard blackpool sell a million of these cards every year which could give the royal family a few ideas for their souvenir shop just uh print up a few thousand old holiday snaps of fergie no silly i said toe job and uh and finally finally in this round ian the culinary query for you is the porridge to your satisfaction it's a survey or something a prison questionnaire that's been sent around questionnaire actually do you not like questionnaire it's sort of ec regulation it has to be questionnaire now yes a lot of our prisons are very worried about um their prisoners i mean they're in their cells for a start it's a bit of a shock um and they're trying to check that they're having a nice time and they're sending around things saying do you like the food is everything all right for you um would you like to be out at all exactly right it is sound like a back bench tory mp but the buggers should starve it's uncanny 20 years from now it's uh it's the prison version of the citizens charter a hotel style questionnaire sent to prisoners all over the country asking how their conditions can be improved most popular requests so far have been for lower walls fewer bars and the right to receive very long thin cakes from home part of the questionnaire dealt with the transport to prison by group 4 10 said it was a comfortable trip 10 said it was uncomfortable and the other 80 percent were unavailable all of which inside information brings us thrusting to the midway point of our show and the halftime score uh well neither side seems even faintly capable of establishing a lead as both ian and mrs merton and paul and prince baz have an extra [Applause] four would you say four then on the score yeah i meant eight obviously and so we proudly marched backwards into our one out round four masters of their craft which one is the jilly cooper what have you seen riders yeah sorry four four p's in a pod for you sinead o'connor pinhead from hellraiser oh prince albert and the headmaster of grange comprehensive in bournemouth he's rather camera shy well prince albert's the only one who's been impaled on a white top hat i don't know how can you tell because you can't see the fourth mode they might all be bald apart from the headmaster from grange comprehensive school he's obviously very bulma inside marking eight million assessments before tomorrow um well i don't know maybe he's warned that all the other three are a bad influence on children no that can't be right um albert hasn't had much influence in 1864 no only one of them's in blue uh it's an excellent answer ian but so you don't get any points for spotting a color on the screen i'll tell you the answer is that all of them have had some part of their anatomy pierced except mr cook the headmaster of grange comprehension i refuse to allow boys with their ears pissed through the school gates odd way to have your ears pierced i did say the prince albert had been impaled with a top hat doesn't that count as part of the body being pierced um no no what did he have pierced um i was just about to tell you interestingly enough hurry up my prince albert gave his name to a peculiar form of body piercing apparently practiced by a number of victorian men in which the male member is held down by a metal ring to prevent visible movement in tight clothing lymphatic please note visible movement in tight clothing be a hell of a spring at the end of the day [Laughter] probably not i think we'll do a hasty veil over this one you should you should say i've been worried a lot lately me too that's a bevy of beauties for you bridget bardo james seymour monica selez and the late king tutankhamun no wonder he died if you're that thing over his edge i mean jesus they're had a spread in hello recently then was it an overhead log um bridget i think she's been in hello as well something nasty has happened to martha had been a hello magazine and that's the curse of hello magazine i can't think what's nasty has happened to jane seymour it's us who suffers there isn't it with jane's scene didn't she get she got divorced or something or separated after she said i have a happy marriage that will last forever she always yes and that's the curse of alone that's the curse of tooting carl moon so he's the odd one now it's perfect answer for two points well done it is uh that's all except tutankhamen are victims of the celebrated curse of hello magazine tootin carmen had his own curse which was carved on the wall of the tomb experts later translated the hieroglyphics which read king tutankhamun is seen here relaxing with his lovely wife in our exclusive color spread further pictures in tombs 18-27 caroline four sinister figures for you margaret thatcher ross perot imogen stubbs and the lovely roy disney head of the disney corporation i think this is a beard question no just wait i know that um imogen stubbs is mad trevor nan ah well done fish director you probably know that don't you bet yes i do and um he's got a very strange beard but i also know that margaret thatcher wouldn't have anybody with a beard in her cabinet dennis hasn't got a beard seems fair doesn't it no he wasn't in the cabinet you stick to showbiz and and um and ross wouldn't have anybody working for him who had a beard and uh what's his name fanny at the bottom um disney roy disney you're not allowed to have a beard if you work for for disneyland you can't have anything you can't have b.o or or you've got to have very white teeth you've got to be a perfect human being to work for disneyland it's all right get in there hey but he hasn't got a beard well he's a person he's not a perfect human being though is it better than some uh yes you're absolutely right for two points the answer is that all of them except image and stubs are known to hate beards and mustaches imogen stubbs said she had to have her moustache waxed off along with every other hair on her body in preparation for a film containing a sex scene she's quoted as saying whatever happened to the days when sex with celia johnson and macmillan off on the piano no there's a bit of gossip i wasn't aware and finally in this round ian stella rimington head of mi5 how do you know we believe so peter inbut former head of the met john selwyn gummer head of nothing and tory mp richard needham i would guess this is uh a security question stellar remington she's had a problem with security leaks she's meant to be head of my five and everyone knows where she lives is linkedin isn't it yeah do you want to get the street richard needham he was an mp in northern ireland and he had his phone bugged and uh he was recorded in his car saying on a phone that he thought mrs thatcher was a cow but the first sensible thing a touring minister had said for years got him into a lot of trouble um john sowing gum is the odd one why because he is and uh and incredibly you're right [Applause] the answer is all of them have been involved in major security gaffes except john gummer whose only lapsed with regard to security was to put 17 000 pounds worth of home alteration expenses through on his security bill the government explained why it footed the bill saying it was compulsory for the taxpayer to pay for his protection just as well if it was voluntary i doubt the donations would have stretched a padlock and sir peter inbert was the principal speaker at an anti-terrorist conference where a passing technician happened to notice a giant bomb taped to the lectern just before imbert was due to go on the hall had already been thoroughly checked and the security firm in charge i'll give you a clue it starts group and it ends with the word for which uh unguarded remarks denotes a welcome end to this round and the very real problem uh concerns paul and baz who have 11 for the simple reason that ian and caroline have 12. and so we slip into our galoshes and uh prepare to wade into our final meeting words around those who lag hopelessly commence proceedings so uh paul and baz cop an eye full of this lot ovation as the queen savages what communism oh very funny corgis corgis is funnier but communism is actually right so well done next games up douglas herds up [Applause] is the right answer very good next 12 million britons show signs of what mental fatigue dementia dementia is not far off man having watched riders mental illness uh yes mental illness and lastly man who dressed chair admits what i wasted my time i think it's um is it mafia connections uh i'll give you one for that links to the mob is actually the answer we were looking for so uh very good and then no way is that mafia connection no no uh what was this then lavender hill um ian and caroline here's your nutty cluster what issued to lawyers cyanide capsules is it inflatable lord helsham dolls it's uh it's almost that but not quite it's more no win no fee rules but you're almost there next branson is a model for what penthouse airfix is it two generations british garden gnome industry uh i'm gonna give it to two generations young and old is uh depressingly the answer next princess endorses what marriage guidance council food cooper's korea soap chiropractor's help is what i was after uh that we weren't going to get and finally dinosaur settles what family argument in essex stomach feel a bit dicky have a dinosaur i'll give one to caroline for argument divorce rao is actually the right answer which wayward estimates bring us lurching to the end of tonight's unsavory scrap and the painful truth is that this week's plane janes are ian and caroline with 16 and this week's pretty polis are paul and baz with 17. [Applause] [Music] so pat on the back to our winners rodent down the trousers for our losers but before we let them slither homewards it's our beholden duty to complete our caption competition ian and caroline yours look like this yeah i think the little girl's saying look a pig i think she's saying look a pig in a jumper i thought she was saying why is that man advertising soap couldn't they get angus decent uh thank you paul and baz what do you think of this um new mobile phone only works if you're six inches from the person otherwise the one on the left saying hello is that dialer twit is it a john major reports faulty mirror uh on which surreal note we say thank you to our guests uh ian hislock and caroline clinton paul merton and baz bamagboy and i leave you with news of complaints that the that's life team may have been going too far and encouraging the public to join in their stunts at the newbury by-election there are suggestions that some voters are too ashamed to publicly admit voting conservative and finally prince charles gives new meaning to the phrase the dog's bollocks good night [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: lfcizdabest

Views: 48,824

Keywords: hignfy, have i got news for you, comedy, panel show, angus deayton, paul merton, ian hislop, caroline quentin

Id: RZnnVRyiS-k

Length: 28min 51sec (1731 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 01 2020