Heart Rehab | "Before The Altar" | Part 1

what's up everybody tonight y'all it's gonna be absolutely fire and welcome to our thursday night conference like like tag somebody right now like you need to mention somebody and tell them you don't want to miss this heart rehab conference it is going to be amazing as you can see i have all of my wedding gear on and i'm going to do to the best of my ability i'm going to try to the best of my capability to represent to try to represent not every man but just a lot of men the women in the earth that need heart heart rehab heart rehab let's get to the conference i stand before you representing a generation of men who need heart rehab i stand before you representing a generation of women who need heart rehab so here we are here today about to declare our love to the world but if i were to be honest i don't know what i'm doing i don't know what i'm doing i really don't know if like what is a man my dad was never really there he never really showed me what manhood looks like culture told me that a man is one who throws this well you know how to fight and and how many women i sleep with you're gonna expect me over the next few years matter of fact for the lifetime if we're gonna do this forever you're gonna expect me to love you and to to to protect you and to honor you and i don't know if i could do it because i really don't know what manhood looks like i really don't i really don't know what you expect to me i really don't even know if i'm ready for marriage i don't know if i'm ready for covenant i don't know if i have detox from all the porn i've watched i don't know if i'm if i'm cleansed from all my sexual experiences before you and if i be honest sometimes i might compare you to my past it might compare you to my past and sometimes i have boy-like tendencies and here we are are you sure you want to marry me because i'm not even sure who i am right now this is why every single time remember that other night we went out to see a movie this is why every single time you ask me questions i keep on saying i don't know i don't know i don't know what's wrong i don't know do you want this i don't know do you want to go here i don't know i don't know this is not just answering your question this is a state of my reality i'm a walking question mark i don't know who i am but we're here at the altar right we're here well i stand before you as a woman that's misindependent i'm a woman that's always took care of my own business i've always paid my own way bought my own house i started my career i did everything on my own i never had a dad so i hope you're ready to deal with daddy issues i hope you're ready to deal with my control issues i hope you're ready to deal with my selfishness i hope you're ready to deal with my my insecurity because i don't know what submission is i sure hope you don't expect me to do that well i do expect you to do that i've never done that before i don't know what that looks like it looks like i've never seen submission before it looks like when i tell you to do something you do it that sounds like control that's not controlled like i already said i already have control issues so it's going to be a problem if you try to control me see and listen i'm just going to tell you now i'm marrying you i love you but i just don't want to be lonely i deal with loneliness i deal with abandonment issues i don't want to be left by myself so hold on wait wait wait let me get this straight so you're going to have an issue listening to me yes because i'm not really going to want a lot of like clap back you understand because like i got enough of that for my mom well listen let no no listen i got enough of that for my mama my mom always telling me you need to do this you need to be home at this time i never really saw a man model submission i never saw that submission is it is it is modeled not demanded i never saw that i never saw daddy you know in the room and helping mom around the house and helping her vacuum and help her do dishes i hope you understand that we got some gender roles well listen all i saw was men trying to control their wives all i saw were men that were abusive to their not them but i view you out of all the men so you're not going to be controlling me that's not going to happen okay i saw that all my life i saw that all my life from my uncles from my grandfather from all the other other men that came before you so listen if you're going to be married to me you're going to understand that you're not going to control me and if i want to make a decision i don't have to consult you all the time i make my own money and i've made decisions all my life far before i met you so i'm not going to start allowing you to make decisions for me now it's just not going to happen and you see you see this this is how my mother didn't really mother me she smothered me she always was not my fault though but you're gonna deal with it you're gonna deal with it if you're in covenant with me you're gonna deal with all of my rejection you're gonna deal with all of my insecurities you're gonna deal with all of my doubts and all my failures you cannot get me and not get everything i come with i'm attached to a lot well guess what no you guess what i'm gonna get everything i get too you gotta understand this you gotta understand i'm attached to storms so you're gonna get rained on with depression because i struggle with it you're gonna get rained on with weary because i get weary sometimes you're gonna get rained on with worry because i'm dealing with all of this but here we are right well listen you're gonna deal with my overly emotionalism how about that you're gonna deal with me being super sensitive all the time about everything you're gonna you're gonna deal with my overthinking you're going to deal with it all you're going to deal with my low self-esteem issues you're going to deal with my rejection issues you're going to deal with all of it and you know what you're just going to have to take it well you're not the only one that's been rejected i've been see this is why like a few days ago i felt some type of way that i wasn't invited to the super bowl party you know why because they were they're like invitation gave me significance and so when i don't get invitations when i don't have people invite me i feel some type of way because if i be real with you people's endorsement of me is more important than heaven's approval of me so wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute i'm not your mother okay so i hope that you are not expecting me to be your mother i sure hope that's not gonna happen well mama knew how to cook mama knew how to clean mama took care of all the stuff i needed i don't know i'm not a cook you can learn how to cook you can learn how to clean it's your job what are you talking about excuse me that's yo i i want hot meals when i come home wow wow i would think that's something in the 1930s are you serious 30s are you serious right now we live in 2021 okay so i can never be doing everything that i can do okay if i have to work every day you have to work every day if i have to do laundry you need to do laundry i'm cool if i have to cook you need to cook look man as long as you take care of the kids i mean we both need to take care of the kids they are our children i'm not trying to babysit all day babysitting i'm not trying to babysit and wash them all day bothering parenting i got things to do like what like watch the game me and the boys get together we play some poker it's a pandemic you know i need a break i need listen i need to sound like a child i need mental okay you talking about i sound like a child sound like a child that's what you look like you know what you sound like let me tell you something from you're expecting for me to be your mother that's really what i don't like you sound like a lonely depressed woman that is only using me to get people to give you likes that's what you sound like first you sound like a person that i've been trying to show you like you've seen tons of flags you've seen tons of them but you know why you keep overlooking them because you want the likes and you want to say i'm finally off the market and you you want to look like you have you have all of this value listen you don't know what it's like to be me you don't know what it's like to be a woman like me to be damaged to feel like your damaged goods and nobody wants you you think you don't want damaged you don't know what it feels like to be this age and want children and see all your friends married and all your friends have children and you are the last one left so that's why i'm here that's why i'm here i i fulfill the the wife to be dream right that's why i'm here you don't know what it's like so so you don't know what it's like to feel like nobody wants you i do know what it's like i do notice like that's why i hang with all my boys because i try to find some sense of validation and affirmation in them this is why i slept with all the women i slept with i ain't like it i really didn't like it but i had to act like to my boys yeah yeah i did this yeah i did that too but i really didn't like that but i was struggling with with my identity i was struggling with with who i am that's what i mean it's going to be two of us because i struggle with my identity too well i struggle with loving myself so i so i so i chase ambition i chase my career i've chased all these things in life to make up for the fact that i'm not happy with me so i hope that you are ready to deal with that so so look if you chase ambition and you don't really have any identity i'm gonna be the one you getting my last name i hope you don't think i hope you don't think you're keeping your last name right you take on my identity you take on my you take on my image you will be my wife so i can cover that area but what i can't cover i can't cover this this know-it-all lippy petty type of woman that that really doesn't even know how to honor a man like what is honor for you you know first of all you're talking about leading i'm supposed to be your helper right yeah and i can't help in areas where you expect me to be your mother and not your wife i can't help fix what your mother did or did not do and i can't help fix what your dad did or did not do okay we're in the same position that's something that you should have dealt with before we ever got here before we ever got here two well this is why i'm confronting right now cause cause you're trying to you're trying to call out all my stuff and all of my issues what about your dad i'm calling you out or you're calling me out because it sounds like right now you're pointing the finger at me and talking about all my issues it doesn't it doesn't look like right now you're taking a good look in the mirror and dealing with your stuff have you ever thought about the fact that i'm here is you taking a good look in the mirror and i'm a representation of the damaged self that you are maybe maybe how you pick reveals how wounded you are maybe it's the same for you too well here's the thing with me here's the thing with me i'm cool with it i'm cool with it i'm not expecting people to like all my images on social media you're the one that's doing that you got all glossed up or all dolled up for other people i don't need all that i don't i don't need all the you know my biological clock is ticking i don't need all of that but why are you here i'm here because i want to have kids i want to have a wife who can clean up i want to have somebody who cleans up i want to have somebody who has my back you know i want you to be my ride or die so you you want a maid i don't want a maid i i want i want you to be my babe that's what i want i don't wanna pay okay you know i mean like you're my baby you see i'm saying i want you to be my baby but then at the same time if we gonna have a if we gonna have a home i just had the belief system that you know my home should be my castle so you want a servant well don't you serve me and i serve you no you want a servant not i serve you and you serve me you want to just be able to tell me to do what you want me to do but listen right but you should you should get joy out of doing that you should get joy out of serving me so you should get drunk you're not gonna get joy from loving me and leading me and being my protector and being my provider and being my leader i don't feel respect you know what you need to give respect to get respect oh that's how it is so i haven't i haven't you're supposed to lead right i have lead and respect i haven't given you respect by paying for this dress you have on i haven't given you respect your idea i haven't given you respect by paying for you to get through school i haven't that was more than your daddy did i pay for you to go through school i paid for this whole outfit i paid for the whole venue this whole venue that we're at right now came out of my pocket so i'm already showing you i'm a provider i'm already showing you i could take care of you what have you shown me you sitting here telling me that you're not gonna be i'm not gonna cook you want a maid i didn't say that i wasn't gonna cook i'm gonna i'm saying that i'm not gonna be your servant then i'm not your mother and you can't expect me to do everything and you don't do anything for me i'm not about to be one of those women at work all day do it does all this stuff takes care of the kids and then you don't do nothing for me in return and then you walk out on me you here ain't you you here you hear this is what you want right right not gonna happen can we get another photo please [Music] you know what you sound real real arrogant and let's just take all this stuff back we literally can take all this stuff back if that's how you're going to act towards me i don't need all this stuff from you that's really what you want to do this is your dream though i mean how much the cost of this at the cost of you acting like this and treating like 3 400 for this dress wow 3 400 congratulations it was on discount well you know what that's what we do that's what we do we come together and we have these fake smiles we have fake orgasms we have all of this fake stuff wow so that we can present it to the world as though we're happy right this is this is what you wanted i thought you i don't want this i thought you were gonna be my ride or die what is what is that why where are we riding to where are we going i don't know because it sounds like you're pretty messed up to me it sounds like you're pretty confused it sounds like you're pretty sounds like you sound like a child so i don't know where we're writing to and i really don't understand why i have to die well you know what i find it so crazy that i sound like a child but you chose me i find it so crazy hold up hold up hold up hold up hold up you respond to my text messages you gave me a key to your place i don't i don't know why i don't know why now now is you know you sound like a child were you the one attracted to me you're the one that hit me back remember i called you four times i called you four times you never responded and then like two months later you reached out to me you reached out to me so i think it speaks volumes more to the fact that you may have some selection issues if i'm a child but you attracted to me and we're here we here look you're supposed to wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute bask in this moment we here we're here you got your beautiful flowers you got your beautiful dress i got my tux on we're here and this is what you told me you wanted this is what you're talking every single time you remember when i would take you back to your apartment every single time we had sex you know i was when we gonna get married let me go get married you know you know you know i i want the people don't i don't i don't want to always look you like like i'm just this girl has boyfriend at the boyfriend we're gonna get married we're gonna get married so i dropped down on my knee i put a ring on your finger i think you should be cured i think you should be cured from from from the disease of feeling as though nobody wants you but here you are now fully dressed in your wedding dress 3 400 wedding dress ten thousand dollar venue we gotta feed all your family we gotta feed your mama we gotta feed your aunts we gotta feed your whole family your whole family remember how much those in those invitations were listen that's why i said take it back because listen it sounds like you just you know i can't be bought okay if we take it back what about your loneliness though what about all the posters you know what i don't deserve this i don't deserve this don't front because every single time we out you always want to take a selfie i hate taking pictures you know that i cannot stand taking pictures but you always remember hey babe hey babe hey i don't like taking pictures so you're going well hold on hold on you got to think about this too you in all this you take all of this back facebook gonna haunt you with all them share your memories you know it because it's gonna be images of me you know how many times you tagged me and i told you not to post that picture i told you not to post that picture i don't really think that you want to go through we're taking all this dress back and telling everybody else that you know what i messed up and i chose the wrong one i don't want to live a lifetime with somebody that doesn't appreciate me so and doesn't value me and doesn't really love me and feels like when they throw all this money at me that they can just hold it over my head are you willing to embrace the embarrassment of letting go of a wrong pick are you really ready to embrace the embarrassment that you got all the way to the altar only to discover that i'm not god's will for your life are you are you really really ready to have everybody ask you for valentine's day and everybody asks you on on spring break and everybody asks you for christmas whatever happened to you and jerry i thought y'all y'all look so cute together you remember your mama already said she loved me you're gonna have to be willing to end that all and i don't think i don't think you trust in god's plan enough i don't think you trust in god's time enough i don't think you trust the word of god enough to give up all of this because this is what you want yes ma'am that's why you quiet because this is what you want and you have to sacrifice all of that on the altar of obedience and trusting in god i am your answer prayer right i'm taking you off the market i'm dropping your initials you're not just getting whistles you get my initials i don't want this i don't really know i don't want this i don't really know if you are actually going to see it through and recognize that god must have something better hey look this way for a pic please cuz you know what if i'll be honest i have so much going on in my soul and i thought i can go through with this i thought i can go through with this but i bury my feelings so every single time throughout our marriage when you ask me to talk i'm not gonna have nothing to say and and i've just kind of got to this place where i recognize that feelings buried alive don't die and every single time you disrespect me and every single time you talk to me and you call me outside of my name you don't treat me like i'm a man i feel some type of way and it reminds me of all these feelings i've tried to suppress and i think i know when it started you know when it started six years old six years old my mom told me to go to my room i did something i don't even know what i did i think i broke a dish or something she said go to your room go to your room and so here i am i never had a chance to vent i never had a chance to talk it out i never had a chance to express myself so now stand before you a 30 year old man and every time every time it's time for me to express myself when you keep asking me why don't you talk i go back to that little six-year-old boy that six-year-old boy who has never got in tune with himself and and you know mama used to say she used to always say what goes on in this house stays in this house all that did was incubate dysfunction all that did was have us go to those stupid church meetings and have us go to all these stupid parent and teacher meetings and everybody acts like everything's okay and everybody acts like we're happy and we act like we have all this stuff for christmas and i know mama went broke for it i know she went bro for it but you know what she had to keep up with the joneses we had to present this image and now i'm kind of tired of presenting this image as though i'm okay i'm tired of presenting this image as though i'm okay so sometimes i smoke weed sometimes i get drunk sometimes i go to the strip club and i wouldn't dare tell nobody about the time my uncle molested me because i don't want anybody to call me names that's not a man but i think that that that familiar spirit caused me to be promiscuous sometimes it causes for us to be promiscuous other times it costs us to have disgusted taste in the mouth when it comes to sex so you're dealing with a lot right now you're dealing with a whole whole lot well listen and it's unfortunate we had to find out about it right here i'm just tired of my heart being broken over and over again i'm tired i'm tired of it i've been through it enough so i stand before you as a 30 year old woman wanting to be loved by somebody wanting to be appreciated and valued by somebody wanting to feel like i'm important enough to spend money on for a dress you are important that's why i did it that's not how you treat me that's not how you actually important no not just my not by throwing money in my face well you sitting up here talking about i'm a child children don't believe that's how you act like you act like a child the way the way that you that you go on and expect me to do this and do that for you i just want to be loved that's all so my love for you is not good enough i see the real you now you're i see the real you you saw the real me the first time we had sex you saw the real me you the one that told me that you know what i'm an old-fashioned girl i'm a christian and i wait until marriage listen i was in denial okay i was in denial and i wanted to see the best in you i wanted to just glass it over i wanted to think that hey maybe i'm a good enough woman i got all this stuff going for me you know he'll he'll change for me i i wanted to think that i wanted to feel that but now i really see the real you that you are selfish and you are prideful and if you are all of this stuff then you're definitely not going to be able to deal with my issues you're definitely not going to be able to cover all of the stuff that i've been through all the crap that i've gone through you're definitely not gonna be able to deal with that if you're talking to me like this now there is no way all of my innermost crazy emotions the way i feel about myself the way i feel about my father the way i feel about my life and what i've gone through there's no way that you're gonna be able to deal with it and love me the way that i really wanna be loved so why waste all this time then why waste all this time i wanna be married that's what i'm good for right the image i'm glad it came out i'm glad it came out you want the image you want the image it's not about love do you really even want children or you just want to be able to tell people that you have kids and you have a man it's amazing to me it's amazing like that it is amazing people rather rather like fake happiness it's not like that i mean if you think about it it is better it is so much better to have a cold bed than to deal with the real devil what's wrong with wanting to be married what's wrong with that what's wrong with wanting to have someone to be with and to go on vacations with more than what and and raise a family with and live life with what's wrong with that what's wrong with wanting that what's wrong with me now listen i'm not there yet but this is what i heard i heard it's more about purpose that's what i heard i heard it's more about whatever you've been born to do and whatever and whatever i've been born to do purpose so why are you here i'm here because this is just something i told myself of what men do my mom kept saying when you gonna settle down and i'm honestly tired of the club scene i'm tired of this girl and that girl and i think deep down aside i could be a good man i think deep down inside i could be faithful i do and and i'm here because i want to be that but there's so many things that i haven't addressed there's so many things i haven't dealt with that there's so many secrets i never told anybody with that there's so many silent screams that i've had alone there's so many times where people ask me how you doing i'm cool i'm straight i'm good i'm gucci but something in me felt that if i settled down i could be a good man i don't even know what a good man is i don't but i just felt as though this is a part of it and you'll be one that can help me discover who i am i didn't really have a lot before i met you now i could provide for you i could do a lot of things for you and i think the real question is why are we here knowing our hearts haven't been rehabilitated so you know what that's going to do what you dealing with what i'm dealing with and we don't take it to jesus if we don't have a season in our life where we dedicate to deal with all of this we're gonna have children and they're gonna be born in all of this and they're gonna catch all of your wounds and they're gonna get all of my wounds and i think that's exactly what hell wants he wants us to extend a generation of brokenness to our children see because i believe the enemy hovers over bloodlines now he thinks because it worked on my daddy worked on your daddy worked on your grandfather worked on my grandfather that is also going to work on us well i don't want to perpetuate these cycles i don't want to have what my mother had and my grandmother had and all my aunts had i want more than that i want better than that i want more for my children i want real authentic true love i want purpose i want i want god to be in the middle of my marriage i don't want to be prideful i don't want to feel lonely i don't want to feel like i need a man but i want to feel like i have a partner that i can do god's will with that's what i want so that's what you want yes that's what i want are you sure that's what you guys that's what i want so that means we're going to have to have hearts rehab whoa them acting skills though did y'all see her she almost started crying you really started crying yeah it was emotional it was uh it was it was um it was intense right yeah i i really really hope that you all got um the gist and got the um the rawness of what we were trying to convey and and i guess our skit if you will um just to really touch and speak to what people really go through yeah and what people really feel and what is not presented yeah on the wedding day you know we we put our best foot forward we put our mask on and there's really a lot of underlying issues that we have that needs to be dealt with that need to be healed that need to be addressed yeah and if we don't make the choice to address those issues and ask god to truly heal our hearts we're going to bring that into all of our relationships absolutely and you know god wants to heal all those things he wants he wants to give your heart surgery and rehabilitation he wants to he wants to take you through therapy but we just have to allow allow him and we have to let him in everybody is cool with jesus being their savior but there's resistance when it's time for him to be our surgeon and what i was asking her in the message was would you would you really be cool with letting all of this go and for a lot of us that's what it's going to take for us to let go of what we want what we desire so that god can rehabilitate my heart it's going to require a lot of unlearning and relearning so yeah heart rehab we're not done no 10 o'clock in the morning there's worship 12 pm tomorrow there's a session by my brother isaac curry then i have a session for myself at 2pm and then at 7 30 p.m it closes out yeah we hope you guys were blessed thank you so much for telling people about it your subscriptions your love your endorsement and may god heal us heal us so that we could be like like whole off the ground behind the retina display we have joy we have fulfillment we have purpose so we love you all so much see you tomorrow morning

Channel: REDEFINED TV

Views: 49,951

Rating: 4.9862514 out of 5

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Id: 0HuzO121yUs

Length: 30min 32sec (1832 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 11 2021