Healing from Trauma with Iyanla Vanzant | Baby, This Is Keke Palmer | Podcast

if you make someone else's happiness whatever more important than your own you will become meshed when we realize that we are codependent on mesh we're like horrified you know clutch and because if we all are imperfect then what is the difference of an imperfect person that is doomed so I've made all of the mistakes every other human woman has made in relationships not on my watch that's what they gave you crazy as hell I wish that everyone was like this anyway hey Mom hey how you doing I'm doing good how you doing Miss Lady I'm fabulous it's a great beautiful day are you familiar with Yana VanZant I am I love her I know I love her too she's also a Virgo like us oh I didn't know she was a Virgo I thought you would literally love that oh I know that makes sense though yes so I knew you would live for the fact that she's a Virgo but I'm excited to talk to her and I think I think it was so interesting because she started out I think she was saying she started in ' 88 but then obviously I think the world really became you know started to really know about her when it came to her um being on Oprah Show uh from 98 to 99 and then obviously she be become even more wildly popular to my generation because of her show eala fix my my life which we have a million in one memes with online but the reason why I was thinking about about it in this way is because she started in ' 88 it's now 2023 and I feel like the conversation around therapy has changed so much obviously I feel like she's played a really good part in bringing that to the mainstream media as well as bringing it to Black American Media absolutely absolutely I want to know what your thoughts on therapy were when you were a young adult like like how often did you hear about it what what did you think of it and did you ever consider going so I grew up in a small town outside of Chicago called robins and it was a very spiritual you know Christian Community like we had more churches than anything and I think early on that's what I was raised to do was pray like pray your problems away you know um God is listening so and I I'm very thankful for that the gift that my mother you know gave me of prayer and meditation and you know just being in solitude but when my father died um my father died from cancer and he's he was like bedridden for two years my mother went to counseling and I remember hearing her saying that she was going to a therapist and I remember asking her why are you going to something wrong with you cuz like I was afraid oh my God my father's dying now my mother's what's going on and she says no I'm going to talk to someone to help me and so that was the first time that I've even heard of somebody talking to somebody other than a pastor or a reverend or something and so that stuck with me interesting now considering what what so they the concept was like therapy is for rich white folks but when did they I mean you obviously experienced it for a particular reason when it was came to death and and health in your family but then what what happened as time changed for you your K I mean I know well I guess I can even start with me I remember when I was 17 obviously I had been telling you guys talking to you guys for years about the stress of the industry and how was just so much on me and you know you guys would give me advice or you guys would you know do what you could but I really felt isolated and really alone I remember when I was 17 I said guys I need to go to therapy what were you thinking when I said that um you know what I was thinking was when you would tell me um first of all what I love about you is that you always are about self-care self-help like if you have a problem or you have an issue you you will do the work you're the type of person that'll read and research and you'll figure out okay why am I feeling this way so I knew that for you to keep talking about it that it was something that was you know serious for you and I think what I thought was you were having stress from being in the industry so just quit the industry just quit it like if you having all these problems and it's bothering you then quit it and I remember you telling me but I love it and that's not the answer mom the answer isn't quit what you love stressing you out a bit Yeah I'm still I love it I'm just trying to manage it and when you said that then that just was like it made sense to me you know and I was like yeah she needs management and sometimes that doesn't that can't come from your parents it needs to come from so were you afraid at the therapy at first like were you spooked like did you feel like what is this how do this do this because I know at first I know I initially said hey I want to go to therapy and then I said I want y'all to go to therapy with me okay so that the thing with that is let's let me answered the first part which is was I concerned absolutely I was concerned about you going to therapy because you were so young and I'm a very you know skeptical person and I'm like I had read so many horror stories of young girls going to talk to therapist and if it's not the right therapist if it's not the right person then they can take you on a whole roller coaster ride of emotions and and not help you so yes I was concerned not that you were going but that we could find the right person right you know you have to really shop and research and find the right person that's going to be that's going to help you versus send you off on a whole another roller coaster so that's first now about us going to therapy look I was your father and I were always willing to do whatever it took for all of our kids to be comfortable to feel confident and to do whatever so no I never did have a problem with you wanted us to go to therapy as a family I just never did want to disappoint you because everybody's at a different place in their lives and you can say hey I want my family to go to therapy but if your brother isn't ready to go to therapy or your mother isn't ready to go to therapy now you're forcing a situation and who knows what can happen and I think that's so that's you know that's true what you're saying but it also is difficult because I think in my mind I was just thinking which again I'm I was in a kid's mind you know in my in my adolescent mind I was thinking I still got to live with these people so I don't want to be working on myself right and then we're not you know I'm coming back home and we're still having this I'm being triggered and re-trigger and so in my mind I was think well if we do this together if we do this United then we can all cuz I already felt that way anyway I felt like so often I would be on the road and I would be having such extreme experiences and then I would come back home and nobody really could relate to them you know maybe you could or whoever which parent came with me but we weren't always doing all these experiences together so I felt like here I was about to embark on this you know healing Journey this introspective Journey about what we all were traumatized by which was the fame and the popularity of my career right and I was just like so badly want you guys to be able to come with me and um I just remember that it was weird that first time it was okay it was always weird when we did group therapy but then I remembered when we when you guys started doing individual therapy like I y'all would randomly tell me you know or you would randomly tell me like oh yeah I had I talked to a therapist the other day what when did it become something for you that you wanted to seek out yourself well for it became something for me that I wanted to seek out for myself when we were moving when um we went through a transitional phase where you went to Atlanta we didn't want to go to Atlanta Larry and I didn't want to go we didn't want to start over again in a whole new place so it was just very stressful time and it was also what what are we doing what's the decisions where are we making and I just needed to talk to someone who was just could listen you know sometimes you just want to talk to somebody and just like just talk and then just get it all out and then just see what what they're gonna say you know what I mean so I talked to someone and the person that I spoke to was very kind and very much listened to me didn't give me any uh advice right or wrong just really listen to me and so I found that refreshing you know that people wasn't forcing opinions on me or what they wanted um I also learned um peace be still you know sometimes when you don't have anything to do and you're still there's nothing wrong with that but society and especially in the entertainment industry you're you're made to believe that if you're being still if nothing is going on then you're a failure yeah you know some yeah I think a lot of times that's work culture work culture is so hustle hustle hustle do do do do do but when you're working on yourself so much of that takes calm and patience and silence and just it's a totally different approach um and then you also know I love to take baths you know I love to take baths because while in my while I'm taking my bath I pray you know I have my um you know moment where I can talk to God and you know and just ask for forgiveness you know I'm not a perfect person you know ask for for foress ask him to guide me you know my favorite prayer I say God you know Help Me Guide Me Help me to speak when I'm supposed to speak help me to be quiet when I'm supposed to be quiet help me to hear what it is you want me to hear so that I can do your will you know yeah to be really truly of service I think that's also you know that the the when you come from from a spiritual sense I think something that's becoming really apparent with me is the uncondition IAL love that God has for me is the unconditional love that I need to have for myself and um that's only going to come from me pouring into me and the more that I'm pouring into me the more that I'm loving me the more that I'm in turn also loving God because I'm honoring myself and it I don't know it's it's it's it's it's a lot that comes from it and sometimes it can come at you from a ton of at a ton of bricks so I did love what you said earlier about how sometimes therapy can open up stuff and you're just like now I got all this [ __ ] that I done unpacked how I'm about to fold all these clothes and put them back into the suitcase exactly but it does it does end up coming back around at some point so I know I got to get to Yan I could talk to you about this all day as usual I thank you so much Mom um and I can't wait to to talk to you the next time awesome talk to you later baby this is this is I can't wait to get into it with my guest today and I know she has so much wisdom to offer okay there is nothing that this person canot do okay she is a six-time New York Times bestselling author former lawyer I'm already so excited ordained minister and host of her own podcast the rpot you might know her from her frequent appearances on the opal Winfrey show or her critically acclaimed TV show which I never missed an episode fix my life y fix my life okay it is such a privilege to have her here with me today please welcome Yan vanand thank you my beloved how are you I cannot tell you how much I love you I'm just so excited to be speaking with you because you know when we talk about just therapy um fixing your life healing yourself a lot of times we don't have diversity in that space and I really do look to you as someone that has been just such an icon as of showing us the many faces of what therapy self-help looks like um and also grounded in in a way that it doesn't feel so so away from you and so kind of um robotic it it all it feels real like you know you still feel like a real person whenever you're talking about these topics um and and I mean I could jump in with you really at any point but I guess I'll start there with you know your approach is very specific to you how did you decide to keep that personal aspect well first of all thank you for having me yes and let me say what a thrill and an honor it is for me to be with you you know I have watched you grow up up before our eyes to become this icon really our baby girl growing up I have loved you and prayed for you and held you for a long long time so it's an honor for me to be here one of the things that I learned um when I was training to be a coach back in 1988 were you born then nope 199 3 with the father of coaching Thomas Leonard was the principle of authenticity ah okay just be who you are you know I learned coaching skills I learned coaching principles I learned um coaching pre conversations then when I became a lawyer I learned how to structure those conversations and how to use skills tools to present a certain thing and I've always endeavored to be authentic so that I didn't have to remember anything because I knew one day I would get to where I am now old yeah when you get old you can't remember a lot of stuff so just be who you are um and craft the skills the tools the gifts the talents to match who you are inside what you do on the outside it'll just resonate authentically you're a Virgo right y absolutely wouldn't be anything else okay girl me too me too and I really I mean I know it's about so much more than signs but I I just say that as a connector because I've always known that about you and lived for that about you but I really do relate to the to what you're saying on authenticity and I remember I was having a the a conversation with my therapist about uh some kind of um I don't know who did it but some somebody was doing kind of a a a vibration like a research on the vibrations you know of Love of You Know happiness of Joy jealousy fear whatever and you know it was pretty much expected that the lower vibrations would be more of the negative emotions and the higher vibrations would you know and the highest would be love but the highest was actually authenticity so when you when you spoke to that about authenticity um you know that just really jumped out at me because you know it's just so it it just is so much easier when you're coming from this place of just being you because like you said you don't have to really think about too much but it can be difficult sometimes to actually find um what's authentic because when I was having this conversation with my therapist it was actually being springboarded off of the idea of why do we put ourselves into such unique situations right like how do we find ourselves in these places and I think ultimately she was coming from this place from this um perspective of it gets us to the place of being authentic we experience things so that we can continue to know our boundaries know you know know what it is we need etc etc so I'm curious to ask you what was that what was the the jumping point for you in your life where you said um where you started to really get it to how to really step into your authenticity I think she may have been referring to power versus Force by David Hawkins yes and the chart of of the Ray of emotions for me uh people lied to me all my life my mother died when I was two and they conveniently forget to forgot to tell me I was raised um thinking one woman was my mother who wasn't wow and I was about 30 when all of this truth fell upon me and my whole life was a lie people had made choices and decisions for me that I didn't participate in people decided what they thought was best for me what was right for me and when I had that experience I decided that I'm G to be who I am I'm going to be true to myself and at 30 I didn't even know who I was because of course I thought I was one person and I was somebody else so that was it for me just understanding the depth and damage that inauthenticity dishonesty lying you know can do what it did to me and even in my false identity I wasn't authentic I was like everybody else trained and programmed to be who other people wanted me to be needed me to be thought I should be yeah so that kind of deprogramming and dismantling but when your inauthentic self is built on a lie oh my God it's even worse I love what you said about that because I don't think anybody walks around thinking I'm being an authentic right you know most people are assuming that they're at least activating from you know themselves from some level of authenticity and that's why when I was having this conversation it was it made me have so much um compassion yes for my experiences because of ultimately where they're getting me and how they're teaching me about myself and what they're going to help me learn now another thing that I was really curious cuz we talk about self-help we talk about therapy that's like the most pop one of the most popular forms we talk about yoga but there's so many different versions of um therapy and help that you can give to yourselves you are a certified hypnotherapist I'm very I've always been extremely curious on what that is and what is the process of that hypnotherapy is really it's a form of conversation believe it or not really you know our being and our Essence and our energy is based on vibration it's based on energy hypnotherapy is a version of conversation that uses the essence the energy the vibration of the voice you know all of us are made of energy we're made of frequency we're made of vibration and it's really becoming more prominent and understood here in the 21st century but in hypnotherapy you use the tone the tenor the vibration of your voice to match the tone the tener the energy of someone's mind and then the tone the tener the energy of your voice the first instrument leads that person's mind into a state of relaxation into a state of compliance wow and so um my voice is one of my gifts it sure is The Melody of it the tone of it the of it and so I really studied hypnotherapy to understand the Dynamics of conversation and communication oh yes yes yes yes everything begins with a conversation beloved I I I don't care what it is whether you're buying a house or dating or negotiating in the bank it's a conversation so if you can have a conversation understanding the tone the T or the frequency of of your voice and tap into the mental and emotional energy of another person you can lead them where you want them to go oh my goodness and when then what how does that tie into the freedom emotional your your the I'm sorry I want to get the name right but what you call it is yeah what how does that tie into that well you know I am a spiritual um technici so I have studied many many many Technologies tools principles applications that support us in building our spirit emotional Freedom technique uses the voice uses sound to give people the opportunity to move energy through their body and they use their own voice and acupressure points acupressure points on the body people will go to the acupuncturist uh now you know there's another art TWA where you use certain energy points on your body well emotional Freedom technique is self-administered acupuncture with no needles so as you're speak you use certain energy points pressure points on your body to release the energy because what causes illness what causes breakdown is energy and how do we usually transmit energy through our words and through our thoughts so if you're holding on to a traumatic experience we can use taing in your own voice to move that energy through your body and hopefully out your body yeah now that's interesting to me because I had just watched this movie recently called the tale have you seen it or heard of it no no oh my gosh so this movie is starring Lura D and it's about her she's like a documentary person or I forget exactly what her job is but um you know we find her at this story she's 50 she's getting ready to be married and her mom is like I found your letters what what is all of this and she's like Mom why are you reading my stuff what about what what is this thing with Tom or whatever the man's name is and she's like Mom that was a relationship that was very special to me like you know this is a very special time in my life don't read my letters don't read my don't read my my stories you know that's that's my stuff and as the movie goes on obviously the Laura Duran character gets curious and she starts reading the letters herself and she remembers this was a relationship that she' had when she was young um with her um you know horse training coach and this was she was like you know we're watching it and we go back into these flashbacks and we see a version of her that looks like about 16 years old or so having a relationship with you know what you know is looking like a budding relationship with a a very adult man and so when she goes back to her mom's home to actually start looking at the letters again she realizes that she was like oh yeah 75 there I am and her mom's like no honey this happened in 73 when you were 13 so then the movie regurgitates back and we now see her much younger much you know like she's literally 13y old girl having a relationship with this 40-year-old man and so the course of the movie is about her repression and also her reframing of this relationship where she had told herself she was in this romantic relationship with this man when really she was groomed and really being abused yeah and that it really was so triggering to me just in in in the thought as a human being that we could have told ourselves so many different stories and reframe so many different things and repress so many memories that we don't even know that are affecting us today um and so I'm curious in your experience from working with people how just how often is that really like you know have you ever experienced talking to somebody and it's like y'all come upon something that they didn't even you know what I mean like is that does it really happen that dramatically oh yeah absolutely because you gotta understand that um I I had a a conversation with a woman a few days ago who was uh violated by her brother wow uh she was it happened between the time that she was seven and 10 and he was 19 and it was repetitive and it was someone she knew and because she had an emotional connection to him there was no violence there was the secrecy and there was the the conflict of knowing what I'm doing I'm is wrong but wanting to make my brother happen happy wanting him to like me and then just because we're human the natural physical response of course feel good of whatever that was and the way she dealt with that was patting herself and then when she did reveal it to her parents they threw the brother out of the house so he's gone out of her life and then they never said another word about it what do you mean by patting herself what is patting her gained weight she was tremendously obese and what ways is that to push and off of her because she made up that it was her fault for she forgot all about the three years of rape and abuse she forgot all about the fact that this was her brother she was trying to please and she made it her fault that her brother got kicked out of the house well let's dig into that too right let's dig into the making other people's [ __ ] your fault okay um and and it's common because if you're a child everything is about you the world is about you between the ages of birth and probably around nine every everything is your fault everything is about you that you want everybody's attention you are the center because that's just how you're developing you're growing into that identity so until you get to be about nine or 10 you don't really get oh it's not all about me there other people people too wherever that comes from right whether it's from a situation like the person that you were just speaking of or it's from whatever the unique experiences that could be that could make someone end up taking on other people's stuff I want to just talk to you about the danger of that in relationships right if you've if you've created a habit of you know someone else's stuff becoming my stuff how do you separate that Ames when it's time for you to have a personal relationship with someone good word Imes imesh which is the which is the brainchild of codependence right if you need somebody else to make you happy if you make someone else's happiness whatever more important than your own you will be coming meshed and most human beings are codependent until create clear balance boundaries until you begin to understand your value your worth until you get that your life is your own and you have a right to create to decide to determine to choose what matters to you and it all happens you know when we realize that we are codependent or meshed we're like horrified you know clutch your PS oh my God but it's a natural part of maturing and developing you know mothers are codependent on their kids kids are codependent on their mothers sometime partners are codependent and you you start making the other person and it's the behaviors it's the behavior you don't call me on my stuff I won't call you on your stuff um I'll make you happy so that you don't come after me it's the behaviors that keep us codependent yeah and we'll be that way until it doesn't work anymore well then so then the question then lies you know and maybe the answers that you can't but when you love someone it imagine like you said I love the the language you're using because it's so non-judgmental because when we love people I feel like it's natural and and fine to a certain extent to want to help them but at some point it becomes incorrect so how do you actually help the people that you love without it be being in a mesh scenario like how do you know what is actually helping someone you love and what is actually putting them at a disadvantage like what is the difference between those two things number one I think I think the first key note that you look for is is this hurting me am I hurting myself to save them that's always a no no always a no no and the second thing is and this is a little more difficult to determine sometime am I doing for them what they need to do for their self oh and you know how we get make the distinction helping versus supporting when we love someone we want to help them be better but helping them keeps you tied to the outcome so that if they succeed chances are they forget all about you and if they fail it's your fault that's help when we learn how to support and the distinction is when you're supporting someone you do what they ask you to do not what you think needs to be done when you're help it you do what you think they need and nine times out of 10 if they didn't ask you for it or it fails then they blame you and beat you up and then you feel unappreciated taken advantage of manipulated ain't nobody asked you to do that learn how to support people which means do what you need what they what they ask you to do to the degree that it doesn't cost you more or hurt you more than you're helping than you're supporting them and no place in this Society Kiki do they teach us that in fact particularly as women we're taught that our measure is in the depths of sacrifice we make for other people you know yeah yeah yeah yeah they do yeah they they actually equate it to like the feminine way which I'm so a person that does not really abide by gender R rules or gender Norms because every woman isn't the same every man isn't the same but it is so interesting how that affects that affects cultural Dynamics or excuse me that affects the culture and the Dynamics and relationships when we continuously see things from that point of view I mean I'm curious with you and all the knowledge that you have what has what how has that been useful in your personal relationships or your romantic relationships because you're very seem as you're a person that is healed that is always working on healing um you know you're clear on so so much but I know that you from what I know you're divorced you're not in relationships I'm curious on how your knowledge has a affected your view of partnership you know what I mean you know I'm curious and I'm curious of on it from a personal standpoint because um my my thoughts on on relationships have gone so many different ways you know throughout my life you know from seeing my parents have a wonderful marriage um they're still married to this day but also not really meeting people that were similar to my father um or being in scenarios where a lot of people can't handle that I've done so much of the work right so I I've been successful so so long and um most people my age have not had the experiences I've had so that creates a difference there and you know I I'm I'm just I'm really curious when you are not a woman that fits into the concept of what things are supposed to be how does that impact and change your view of what relationships can be for you well let me just say I am human so I've made all of the mistakes every other human woman has made in relationships in fact you know my My Philosophy is relationships are life's classroom that's where we go to learn that's what that's how we learn who we are as women what works for or men I can't speak I don't remember being man in this body but I learned um everything I needed to know I identifi IED and cleaned up all my issues I was a daddyless daughter so I had all manner of uh issues related to acceptance and value and worth um my father was emotionally unavailable so my first partner or that I stayed with for 40 years married twice uh was emotionally unavailable you know I spent my whole time with him trying to figure out how to please him and get his approval that could never get because I never got my daddy's approval so I was looking for something a that I no longer needed B didn't know I was looking for and see didn't need didn't want it anyhow so no longer needed the no longer I know I want to hear the rest of what you're saying but the no longer needed I think is so huge because so many times when we're holding on to traumas of the past we don't realize that we don't need whatever that was that's gone yes you don't need that anymore so instead of looking for that in the future because you you you know you don't need it and it's not going to happen look for what you need right now how to move forward from that point here's the thing Kiki most of us are not current in the way we approach Our Lives we're stuck at the age that the breakdown occurred so if the breakdown occurred at seven and you haven't neutralized that part of your a your Consciousness that aspect of your Consciousness that seveny old is still in there trying to get what it didn't get or overcome what happened or protect itself from what it experienced at that age most of us are not current in our Consciousness and we're still trying to satisfy the broken pieces of ourselves now where do you hear that on CNN NBC Fox or you don't hear that kind of talk and it's not addressed in the public school system so many people have a five-year-old running their life or n old or 13 year old so we have to learn how to bring those pieces current so we're current in our identity current in our purpose current in our vision current in our approach most of us are living you we're not living in current events we're living but how can you do that right like how what is the checks and balance of that because if I'm a person that that doesn't know then how can I know what I don't know right you know if you're a person listening to this podcast and you're you know you assume I'm pretty good you know I'm talking to you right now I said I feel pretty good but ain't nobody really all the way good what is the checks and balance of knowing that um maybe there's something there repetitive experiences number one if you keep having the same relationship or you keep having the same experience if you because it's you boo It's All About You the relationships you attract are going to reflect your internal landscape so you're going to continue and what we do as people we make it about them or I'm not dating no more every man every woman cheats or everybody takes advantage of me nobody understands me we make it about the other person instead of saying wait a minute hold up when I look in the mirror I'm seeing a reverse of myself my right is my left my left is my right so I'm seeing this thing backwards it's not them it's me so that's one thing so understanding if you're having repetitive of experiences the other way that you know you need some help is something that you know Courtney uh B Vance just wrote about for men what he wrote about for men he just released his book called The Invisible a and he wrote about it from a masculine perspective but the same is true for women you most of us have an invisible ache something that we've just accepted that this is just the way it's going to be that's right I you know I can't do no better and it still hurts us yeah so if you've got this longing this emptiness this ache that you come to accept as a part of your being you know that there's some work you need to do baby [Music] is is it really that there will be no suffering and there will be no ache or is there just your different relationship to it well your relationship to it when the a you don't want the a to lead your life you want drive you you know don't let the egg drive you you all I mean we're here when you get it all done Kiki you exhale you don't inhale you out so I'm glad I still got some jacked up parts of myself right right that's what I'm saying I think that's so I think that's so important I remember I was having a conversation like that with somebody and it's like you know I that's why it's so weird right when we have these conversations like so and so is toxic and so and so is never going to change or you know so and so it you know this is what it means when it just seems like well who's perfect really you know and I think that also becomes the thing too where I had the same conversation with Dr Drew and that's why I was also excited to talk to you and get your perspectives on it of what do you believe is really possible when it comes to changing grow because if we all are imperfect then what is the difference of an imperfect person that is doomed like what is this doomed concept for people well I don't believe in that see here's why we're not doomed Kiki when you're ready to see it you'll see it and when you're ready to do it you'll do it and that moment is when it hurts you bad enough you will move your behind until then you just gonna whine and complain and attack and accuse but when you're ready to see it you'll see it and when it hurts you bad enough you do something about it otherwise you'll just stay there I guess the other part about it too is the the other part that can be difficult is accepting that other people are doomed you know I think it's it's so muchier people are doomed or no they're not they may not be ready see healing unfolding growing it's really all about maturing and we all mature at different rates and then we have this we have this thing this human thing I don't know what you want to call it it's part of the ego that we think all the chairs in the room are equal and they're not so you may be sitting in an a student chair and your mother may be sitting in a c student chair and your boy your brother or your boyfriend your girlfriend they may be sitting in a B+ chair all the chairs are not equal but everybody's in the chair they need to be in but if you're in the a chair and you look and you say them C people they ain't got they stuff what is wrong with them and then the D people are looking up and saying oh I shouldn't be here I need to be in the H you know comparing and competing no you're in the chair that you need to be in based on your Readiness your willingness and your commitment to change chairs got to be ready gotta be ready that not on my watch that's what that gave remember yeah I remember that not on my watch not on my watch nobody is doomed everybody is on their own curriculum that will unfold according to their Readiness their willingness and their commitment so do you believe that it's trauma that's Central to addressing and overcoming trauma or is that just one of them that's just one of them I think what is Central to all of our healing is our ability to begin within I don't care what is going on in your life what does that mean our ability it's inside of you and whatever is going on out here whatever is going on out here uh is a function of what you need to clean up in here yeah I know I have to let you go I'm just so devastated about it but because I there okay so I'm going to just try to get this one last one out I want to ask you what do you think about the phrase everything happens for a reason everything does happen for a reason everything is absolutely purposeful in the unfolding of our spiritual curriculum that leads us to mental emotional and spiritual maturity everything happens for a reason everything and even if that reason is to show you where you're not willing where you're not ready where you made a poor choice a bad decision and love yourself anyway because no matter what you go through at the end of the day you gonna be there with you you know you the one that gonna have to get you through it the therapist can help the preacher can help your mama can help but eventually you are the only one that's going to get you through it so there's a purpose you're maturing you're unfolding there are things you know like when I was 20 to be without a man you know that um you know I broke out in the rash at 70 I get to choose you're 70 oh yeah every day no but I get to choose I'm single by choice period I'm single by choice so but I couldn't have done that at 20 at 30 you know if I thought my partner was cheating forget the rash I break out in hives at 70 listen you want you a little side piece so that you don't have to bother me every day go on I'm I'm happy for you go do I'm here for that I'm here for that because please do not bother me please do not bother me do what you got to do for you okay oh my gosh I cannot thank you enough for coming on our show and offering this wisdom and I really feel like I didn't even get into every little bit and Crux of what I want to talk to you about I feel like we just scratched the surface so I hope that we can do it again sometime but before I let you go you know we like to end our episodes with a quick game today the game is the gag is where I'm going to read you a common phrase we hear about therapy and relationships and you're going to tell me your honest and possibly unpopular opinion on the subject you ready okay okay here we go now I just want to make it clear that these are not my opinions these are just opinions we tend to hear so here we go I don't have any any interest in therapy because I want to live in the future not dwell in the past but the gag is you crazy as hell that's why you don't want to see your crazy okay everyone has a soulmate but the gag is you are it therapy isn't for everyone but the gag is it's only for those people that want to know themselves better and be better as themselves oo I wish that everyone was like this anyway relationships must be 5050 in order to be successful but the gag is that if you put 50% in the relationship that's what you gonna get out I love that because I'm 100% with everything I do yes if you love someone enough you can always make it work but the G if it ain't working it ain't working and love ain't going to make it work What's Love Got to Do okay that's right people can never really get over trauma but the gag is that's an absolute lie if someone was once a liar or manipulator in the relationship they'll always be that way but the gag is I won't know about it because they will be gone from my life y really love you it's been a dream of mine to talk to you one of my favorite episodes of Y fix my life because I think there's so much um um what's the word that I I Googled about it it there's so much um child on child molestation which I think is so the Marvy twins yes the whole family do you remember the whole family and how some of them went to foster care some of them didn't and they all came back together but then there was like abuse between the brothers and you got them to talk about it to apologize to one another and you know I I feel like that is the type of deep Shadow work that sometimes humans don't even really want to face like it's the kind of stuff that you know people just don't want to touch we haven't been taught how to have the conversation about it yeah it's a power up power down right and wrong scenario that we've been taught you know somebody in power walks down to you and when you don't have the power you can't talk up to B that's how our society is built and right and wrong you know the Judgment of that and no place in this Society are we taught how to have hard centered authentic conversations that allow us to be safe with sharing where where are you safe to say you the adults in my life forced me to have sex with my brother they watched me and listen we put that story on fix my life because they were willing there are thousands hundreds of thousands of them but if people don't feel safe if they feel they're going to be judged they and they have they lack the skill I just remember I remember that brother having literally physical physical carrying of physical trauma like you could Ser physically see it in his I think he said he was going blind and one there was so many things yeah that holding on to that trauma but anyway I just I just really wanted to I wanted to mention that particular episode because it was really impactful to me and it was really um I think corageous of those people I don't know where they are now but I just remember wishing that I just could know them because I thought wow they really did they really did it for themselves they really had this conversation and I just thought it was really really awesome to see well I think the greatest thing that came out out of that I don't know if you remember several episodes later we got the mother came on and the biggest thing that came out of that was that they were reunited with their mother so some of them are doing really well some of them are not doing so well because I've kept in touch how was the young man doing how was the young man doing the one that I the the oldest one William no the younger one that was physically kind of impaired one that still having a lot of physical challenges still having a lot of physical challenges the thing that saves him is that he's so so willing but you know the body is also we have trauma in the mind we have it in in the heart and then the body gets programmed so you know and traditional medicine doesn't deal with our spiritual and emotional wounds it you know it prescribes Pharmaceuticals to to deal with the physical physicality but he's he's doing okay I mean he's he's okay but he's got he's got a lot a long way to go I just got to talk to you we gotta have another conversation because you uh I love you you can call me anytime thank you so so so so much seriously thank you so much and I hope that um you continue to grow unfold and I'm waiting to see you on the screen again oh thank you so much and seriously thank you for your time thank you I really feel so inspired and grounded after that conversation whether I'm having a conversation with her or watching her on TV Yana always gives me so much to think about but she also makes me laugh you know what I mean things can get emotional depending on how deep you go I just love when our guests give me something to consider we're always shaking things up here so I hope you'll join me next week too until we talk again you know it's your girl baby this is this is K baby this is K yeah

Channel: Wondery

Views: 163,329

Keywords: wondery, podcast, wondery podcast

Id: eIAHIQfLX7w

Length: 51min 2sec (3062 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 13 2024