“When Should I Blink?” - Comedians on Weed

if you're not familiar with taking an edible it's pretty simple you ingest the edible and then you wait you know anywhere from like an hour and a half to um the rest of your life for your most toxic memories you just like drop kick you in the back of your throat and send you on like a sweet little roller coaster ride of like your most present anxiety is all the worst things you've ever done to the people who've loved you the most you know when you don't smoke weed for a little bit like it's crazy like you have feelings you know like something will happen and I'll be like hey I don't I don't like that as opposed to like seven years of just being like it is what it is or whatever [Applause] I think I smoke weed subconsciously like I don't even know I'm doing it I'm serious like I think I smoke weed so like if I fail in my head I'll be like well I was high so what did you expect you know what I mean but if I accomplish something I'll be like and I was [ __ ] high so it's like this I always win in my head does anybody here smoke weed well in California it is really easy to get your medical marijuana card I just got mine impression yeah I didn't know you weren't supposed to put real things so you can basically have any ailment and qualify for your weed card so we wrote a song about how easy it is everyone knows marijuana is dangerous and medical pot is really strong it's why it's so hard in California to get your weed card unless something's really wrong gonna pay a visit to my doctor it's a long shot but I gotta try she hands me a list of all the ailments I can have to qualify can't believe what I am reading this is just what I've been needing a government Supply to get legally High weed card that's what I need hardly ever okay always but it's not an addition cause my doctor gave me a prescription [Music] there's nothing I can't do we card that's what I need hardly ever okay always but it's not an addiction cause my doctor gave me a prescription [Music] can't handle this meat cannabis got a stomach ache gotta wake and bake have an injury need THD get messed up for your hyperhidrosis which is what it Palms in case you need a diagnosis [Applause] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Applause] ERS here at all oh geez was this a group outing my God Siri I don't smoke weed I have a theory if your life sucks don't smoke weed because when I was in college I got high one time and when I got high everything slowed down thank you last thing you need when your life sucks to put that sucker in slow motion so when you're sober and you're unemployed you're unemployed but when you're high and you're unemployed you are on um Lord I say your life sucks drink because if you drink you might black out and that's like a fast forward button that's what you want I like when I drink and black out because the next day I always feel like I'm in my own CSI episode you know looking for Clues everywhere I go it's Taco Bell Mountain Dew who the hell is that but look if I if I teach you anything here and I hope I'm teaching you a lot live your life you know like a lot of people you know I smoke pot a lot you know people are like why it's like I like being confused you know I like not knowing how long I've been standing somewhere you know I like being like how long have I been standing in line at this grocery store how long has my arm been like that when should I blink now blink now blink now blink now blink now shrug for no reason blink now blink now back away don't buy anything I like to get mad when I'm drunk and high and make and say things that don't make sense and then get mad at people for not understanding like I went to this small drive-through chain in La called Burger King okay I was a little bit High I was a little bit drunk and I just said what I wanted and it came out as I want a burger with everything and they understandably went what does that mean and I was like everything and they're like what's everything and I'm like point to things and put them on my burger you know [Applause] and they were like lettuce I'm like yes lettuce they're like tomatoes yes Tomatoes they're like french fries I'm like shut up you could do that does your manager know I was like yeah I'll take that and then I got past the part where you order and before you pay and realize I've forgotten money so I just drove off the line rolled down my window and yelled I have no money and kept driving in a 2002 Saturn they don't know who I am to them I'm just a guy bragging about having no money on we I try I've tried to smoke I'm just not I'm not I'm not I don't know the law for real like I live in L.A and it's kind of it's kind of it's in that gray areas Cloud you know nobody because you can like you can like you can be high but they can't watch you get high and you can have some But You Gotta Keep Your Hand close nobody knows what I'm saying nobody nobody knows what's your hand I ain't telling I tried I've tried I'm just not I'm not I'm not comfortable with I don't know who I am like I get paranoid and so I was like you know but but I do want to like get get better at it because like it's one is cheaper it's just way cheaper than drinking and I was like I asked my boy who has like a card you know go to dispensary grab grab uh grab you know however much and I was like hey uh give me some and I get like 20 bucks and he put some in my hand I don't even know if it's the right amount because I don't know drug math he was in my hand I was like yeah that's yeah that's right that's about right and so uh he's like I'm like he's like just go home and just like you know watch a movie and just relax man just you know fetch out relax I'm like all right cool so I get a little pipe I'm like 20 I'm at home 20 minutes saying I am hot I am I'm I am I'm watching Hunger Games man let me tell you something that is that is a different movie when you high okay I was oh my God District 12 is going through it and then when they kill Rue not you too bro it was oh man I was like if you haven't seen the movie The Kid a little black girl that's sad it's like oh but I'm on the couch I'm on the couch and I haven't I haven't even tried to smoke since like college and so like I didn't know what was going to happen so the symptoms start at my mouth my tongue let me tell you something my tongue just disappeared my tongue disappeared okay and my mind is I should go to the kitchen to get some water I'm like that is a good idea of mind and so I stand so I you know I get up and immediately my knees like we done too Pockets I got my mouth is dry my mouth I go to the kitchen I was like I'm on my way and I was like and now let me tell you your shoulder should never hit the floor first okay not when you got two good hands for bracing all right because you can't explain that bruise later people like how did you hurt your shoulder you like um I was smoking weed foreign a little bit left I was like maybe you know I'm gonna just try it again just because I'm about these deals and they save his money and so you know I got my water and I'm putting a coffee table and and now I just I'm just uh I'm you know laying out uh pillows I was like what are you doing I was like I'm getting ready to smoke weed how do you prepare I had to quit smoking weed recently so sad I know the worst part is I still want to hang out with the Stoners I still identify with Stoner culture just because weed gives me panic attacks sometimes now doesn't mean that I'm not still passionate about sitting down I may not be high all the time anymore but I'm still gonna find a way to work aliens into the conversation it's gonna come up I don't care for at your baby shower I've got theories I may not be waking and baking before work these days but I'm still gonna do a really bad job at least I'm consistent I feel like I'm more irritable since quitting weed everything annoys me now like I hate when people ask me what my tattoos mean like I'm supposed to know that just gives me way too much credit trust me the only thing that any of my tattoos mean is that one time I had eighty dollars that is it I promise you I'm not a deep thinker I got one brain cell left and she's bounced around my school like air hockey puck like the DVD buffering logo it is peaceful up here got a nice breeze going on I don't like their mistakes man oh boy that we find all these all these Enron guys all these these CEOs robbing everybody blind man I tell you you know that stock market boy that's what I got out I got out the market I called my broker I was like hey put all my money in weed price of weed never goes down that's a real blue chip right there can't smoke with everybody I choose who I'm gonna smoke with based on what kind of snacks you're gonna have when we get thank you I got this white friend named Timmy had to put him in the Hall of Fame first time we smoke together he pulled out some Lunchables messed me up because I didn't even know you could eat Lunchables at home I thought you had to be in school to eat lunch let's see on the stoner that's why I went to jail because the signs were there you know they had my house under observation for a year they had my phone tapped they had a helicopter going over my house they had undercover FBI guys or DEA guys riding up under bicycles and you could tell that you know they didn't look like bike riders you know their bike bike riders got to look they know how to act you know these guys are you know didn't had to jump off the bike to stop it you know Aaron I'm in there making bongs that's what I'm doing compartment they caught me over one time what kind of plants are those bamboo yeah that's interesting so what are you making in there is it bongs oh interesting and then a few months later they came knocking on my door in swat outfits five in the morning man knocked on the door we'd been partying so I I you know I was sleep I I was dead to the world my wife woke up she someone banging at the door so I went down there I looked we got glass doors you know and they're always open we never locked the doors because [ __ ] never find the key you know so the doors are always open and and here are these guys in their SWAT outfits and their helmets and they got their guns and everything and being a stoner I wasn't the least bit prayed you know I wasn't scared I wasn't doing nothing you know I'm not a dope dealer or an escape criminal or anything like that you know so I'm looking at these guys they're looking at me they look like trick-or-treaters you know yeah that's a nice costume sunny the search your house and take your computers and [ __ ] like that and so on I'm looking at it you're running around you know crazy I'm in my little Speedos it was kind of embarrassing because every you know guys in the morning you know we get a morning heart on it you know it's not it doesn't mean nothing it's just nature right you know but so I'm there with my morning heart on in my Speedos and I forgot I had Speedos on I forgot I had clothes on because no I got a warrant oh [ __ ] they're arrested what you know what is this I couldn't figure out whether you know what they're doing then then they come up and they said Mr Charn you have any marijuana in the house and I said yeah where is it this is every room in the house he said can you be more specific oh there's someone in my shop downstairs you know it's a nice Bud Hawaiian just got it so he sends a guy down there and he comes back up a few minutes later I can't find her sir I said what kind of [ __ ] DEA guys are you man he goes uh we don't have our dogs so that's another thing how come you don't have your dogs what the hell the hell comes down the stage and she she thought it was she's going to be on television she thought it was we're being punked by actually done all looking good I'm looking for the camera had to tell her we're being busted she goes for what I said I don't know and so I asked him and they said uh paraphernalia what's that bongs oh [ __ ] you're busting me for bunks really apparently uh there's one state in the Union that made a paraphernalia legal to ship across the state line which is Pennsylvania the home of the DEA and apparently the DEA has been trying to you get my company my son's company to sell him bongs and they kept refusing to sell it to him because we knew we knew that they were DEA at least my son's company did I didn't know and so so anyways they finally came to LA in person bought the bongs and then they said listen we're going to go on vacation here will you ship the bongs to us we still wouldn't do it so they had an undercover guy go in and get a job in the my son's company and he shipped it he shipped it it's all documented it's all filmed there and then they had they've been following me for a year and I was in Arlington Texas one time and they got the the DEA camera on me and it shows the workers in the in the head shop all wearing DEA t-shirts and they kept standing next to the DEA officers wherever they go they stand next to him I still didn't catch them they're wearing headbands that didn't fit I remember them because they said to me uh Mr Chung can we talk to you outside no they're hippies no no I said sure to go outside we're sitting there and he's got his backpack in the camera and he's got it around so you can see me and then he said no these uh bongs they're not just for tobacco use only are they and I said no I said they're for pot you said can you repeat that yeah they're for marijuana thank you because well when you don't do anything wrong you're gonna do it you got to be honest you know so I go to court and I think well [ __ ] I'll bust this you know because he can't bust you for bongs you know and I go to court and then they sentence me on 9 11. 9 11. and that that's when I started waking up hey just a minute now why that date and then Bush went on TV and said that you know the the bong industry has been supplying money to the terrorist organizations in the tune of billions of dollars and I'm thinking [ __ ] I wish I had got some of that money we were in debt for a half a million bucks at the time trying to keep the bong business going so they sentenced me to nine months and I try to you know talk for her y'all know but again the Stoners man [Music] I tried to explain to the judge that I'm I'm really sorry and that I've been working with kids you know trying to you know keep them off drugs well I've been teaching kids salsa and the judge kind of looked down over his glasses you know the judges with no rims on their glasses you know that look and they look over at you and he said salsa and he said yeah well and this is my theory you know when you're dancing salsa you can't get high and dance at the same time so which in itself is a lie because I can get high in dance also train you know you know I was shot and they start thinking about it [ __ ] you know I've never been to jail it's kind of fun man million and I've been prepping for this you know all my life because when I was a teenager you know 15 years old I met this biker that never had he just got out of jail no place to stay and I said yeah you can just stay with me for a while so he moved in and he gave me a biker uh my OG tattoo a jailhouse tattoo right now I was really proud of this until I found out in jail it's a white supremacy tattoo because the biker they gave it to me he only knew two tattoos this was one of them but I was gonna get a change in my son said no dad that's antique don't park with that man that's classic next thing you know I'm in the [ __ ] jail I had one bad half hour that was when I went in because I was treated like a celebrity vanity Fierce and a limousine to take me to prison I walk in they handcuffed me and uh just formality and they apologize I'm sorry Mr Chong but we have to handcuff you you know it's just a formality and I walk in the door and I got on cuffed that was the last time I had any handcuffs on and then I went in in into the dormitory where where I was going to be living in the sky met me took me to his locker and opened his locker he says anything you want man you know welcome welcome to the uh Unit B and uh it was the trip man yeah I I I'd like to go back to visit but you know [Music]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 448,840

Keywords: Ayo edebiri, pete davidson, Cristela Alonzo, Garfunkel and oates, barry rothbart, tone bell, angelina martin, wanda sykes, leonard ouzts, tommy chong, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy central, comedy, comedians, weed, marijuana, edible, feelings, pot, high, 420, smoke, smoking, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, “When Should I Blink?” - Comedians on Weed, weed jokes, full special

Id: roZKv6wcdkw

Length: 21min 59sec (1319 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 16 2023