>> THANK YOU. >> David: THEY LIKE YOU. >> NICE MONOLOGUE. >> David: YEAH, RIGHT? ME BLABBING AWAY. [ LAUGHTER ] WHAT'S YOUR FIRST STORY? NO, I'M KIDDING. >> LET'S DO IT. >> David: NO, I'M NEW. IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU. >> BY THE WAY, IT WORKS, BY THE WAY. IF YOU'RE NOT GOOD. >> David: YEAH. >> YOU ARE GOOD. >> David: IT'S CASUAL FRIDAY HERE. >> YEP. >> David: OBVIOUSLY. >> CINCO DE MAYO. >> David: YEAH, YOUR CINCO SHIRT ON, SWEET. ARE YOU AS DRUNK AS GUILLERMO AT THIS POINT? LOOK AT HIM. HE'S STILL SITTING BACK THERE. GUILLERMO, THAT BIT'S BEEN OVER FOR 30 MINUTES. HE DOESN'T CARE. SO LET'S TELL EVERYBODY HOW WE FIRST MET. IT'S RIVETING I'M SURE. >> OH, YES. WE MET ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." >> David: THAT'S RIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I ALREADY MILKED THAT APPLAUSE EARLIER. >> YOU DID? >> David: IN THE MONOLOGUE. BUT "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," YOU WERE THE HOST. YOU CAME IN, YOU WERE ON YOUR SHOW. AND EVERYONE WAS EXCITED TO SEE YOU. EVERY DUDE HAD A CRUSH ON YOU, EVERY WRITER, EVERY CAST MEMBER. IT WAS VERY EXCITING TO HAVE YOU. >> I WAS SO NERVOUS. IT WAS WAY TOO EARLY IN MY CAREER TO BE DOING THAT SHOW. I WOULD LIKE TO DO IT NOW BUT THAT WAS THE FIRST YEAR OF "FRIENDS." >> David: OH, IS THAT -- "FRIENDS" WAS BIG IMMEDIATELY. >> YEAH. >> David: WOW. BECAUSE I WAS THINKING YOU WERE PROBABLY JUST GETTING ACCUSTOMED TO "FRIENDS" BEING HUGE AND THEN GOING RIGHT INTO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," WHICH IS TERRIFYING. >> I WAS STAYING IN THIS CABIN UP IN BIG BEAR WITH MY ENTIRE FAMILY IN WINN ROOM. IT WAS LITERALLY LIKE -- I WAS NOT USED TO ANY KIND OF LUXURY. THIS IS ME GETTING A CALL, OH MY GOD, YEAH. I WAS PANICKED, SO EXCITED. BUT NO, I WASN'T ACCUSTOMED TO ANY BIG OF ANYTHING. >> David: I'VE HOSTED "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" SINCE. IT'S TERRIFYING STILL. AND I'D BEEN THERE SO LONG. YOU'RE IN 90 THINGS THAT ARE GRABBING YOU AND PULLING YOU. YOU CAME ON I THINK I WAS IN THREE SKETCHES THAT WEEK. I WROTE ONE WITH YOU? OR THERE WAS ONE WITH A GAP FOR YOU AND THERE WAS SOME OTHER ONE WHERE I WAS HITTING ON YOU, THEN ACTING COOL. THEN I TURNED INTO LIKE ALL OVER YOU, LIKE "FATAL ATTRACTION." [ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS GREAT. THE GAP ONE WE HAVE A CLIP FROM. >> HEY! >> OKAY, I GUESS YOU WIN. LET'S GO TO THE BONUS ROUND AND PICK ONE CATEGORY. >> OKAY. I WILL TAKE, WOULD YOU? >> GET READY, ANSWER AS MANY QUESTIONS AS POSSIBLE, HERE WE GO. WOULD YOU MacDILL LON? >> OF COURSE. >> WOULD YOU TOM ARNOLD? >> NO WAY. >> SNOOP DOGGY DOG? >> YES. >> SCOTT BAIO? >> I DID. >> OH MY GOD! >> WHAT? HE WAS REALLY NICE. I MET HIM LAST SUMMER WHEN HE WAS SIGNING POSTERS AT THE MALL. HE TOOK ME TO DINNER, HE BOUGHT ME A BIG BOTTLE OF CHATEAU BRIAND. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> David: YOU REMEMBER THAT? BARELY, I KNOW. BARELY, BARELY. CHATEAU BRIAND IS A STEAK, THAT WAS WHY THAT WAS HILARIOUS. [ LAUGHTER ] I WAS REALLY OVERACTING LIKE [ BLEEP ]. >> YOU WERE GREAT? GOOD. SO WE HAVE STAYED FRIENDS, RIGHT? >> YES. WE LIVE CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. >> David: WE LIVE CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. I FINALLY GOT ON YOUR STREET, WHICH IS A GOOD ONE. SHE'S KNOWN FOR TAKING HOUSES AND MAKING THEM BEAUTIFUL. YOU'VE GOT A GREAT TOUCH FOR THAT. I'M NOT KNOWN FOR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. BUT I HAVE A NICE HOUSE. >> HE'S GOT A TENNIS COURT, MORE IMPORTANTLY. >> David: I HAVE A TENNIS COURT SO IT MADE US BE BETTER FRIENDS. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU WOULD COME OVER AND PLAY TENNIS. >> I WOULD WALK UP THE HILL AND PLAY TENNIS AT YOUR HOUSE. HIS TENNIS COURT, IT'S LIKE A 12-YEAR-OLD LIVES THERE, NO OFFENSE. IT'S RAMPS, SKATEBOARD RAMPS. DO YOU EVEN SKATEBOARD? >> David: I DO, YEAH, I'M SORT OF A PHONEY BUT I USED TO SKATEBOARD ALL THE TIME, BUT NOW I JUST SAY I DO. >> OKAY, IT FELT REALLY -- IT WAS DISARRAY FOR SURE. >> David: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU WHO'S VERY CLEAN AND METICULOUS, YOUR HOUSE IS PERFECT. THEN MINE IS A DISASTER AREA. >> I AM NEAT, I CAN'T HELP IT. I HAVE A SIMILARITY WITH MONICA, I CAN'T HELP IT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] MONEY CASS CLEAN, I'M NEAT. I ACTUALLY AM A LITTLE ADMIT MORE OF THIS PERSON UNDERNEATH. >> David: YEAH, YOU'RE CLEAN TOO. [ LAUGHTER ] ONE TIME I TOLD HER TO COME OVER AND I WANTED TO GET HER EYE, YOU KNOW, FOR THE INSIDE OF MY HOUSE, I WANTED HER TO HELP FIX IT UP OR GIVE ME TIPS. SOFT JUST TO SHOW OFF MY HOUSE AND HAVE HER TELL ME HOW GREAT IT WAS. AND THEN -- WHAT HAPPENED? >> WELL, I WENT INTO YOUR -- YOU WANTED TO REDO YOUR KITCHEN. AND I SAID, LET'S START WITH TEARING IT DOWN. >> David: YES. [ LAUGHTER ] THEN YOU SAID NO OTHER ROOMS REALLY MATCHED MY KITCHEN, WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO WITH ALL THE ROOMS AGAIN. AND WHEN I SEE YOUR HOUSES I REALIZE, I'M A DUDE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. AS LONG AS -- >> YOU DID DO IT. >> David: I DID START TO DO IT. IT'S NOT THAT COOL BUT IT'S BETTER. IT'S A MANSION, A HOUSE, WHATEVER. [ LAUGHTER ] WHAT MY SAYING? IT'S NOT 88 ROOMS, 55 WINDOWS, I DON'T KNOW. [ LAUGHTER ] NOW, WE PLAYED TENNIS. ONE TIME I TOLD YOU YOUR KA FEES WERE HILARIOUS. AND THAT GOT ME IN TROUBLE. I THOUGHT IT WAS A COMPLIMENT. I DON'T KNOW YES THOUGHT THAT. >> YEAH WOULD THAT BE A COMPLIMENT? >> David: I DON'T KNOW WHY. YOU RAGGED ME ABOUT THAT A COUPLE OF YEARS. I THINK I SAID THEY WERE HYSTERICAL. SHE HAS GREAT LEGS. >> MY KNEES ARE HYSTERICAL. THAT COULD NOT BE GOOD. >> David: MAYBE I WAS TRYING TO GET YOU BACK. HERE WAS YOUR BIG COMPLIMENT TO ME. "DON'T EVER FIX YOUR TEETH." AND I GO, WHAT'S UP WITH MY TEETH? BY THE WAY, AT THIS POINT I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE CROOKED. AND SHE GOES, NO, I LIKE THEM LIKE THAT. >> YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAD A CHIP IN YOUR TOOTH, AND GUESS WHAT, YOU FIXED YOUR TEETH. >> David: I DID. >> I TOLD YOU NOT -- IT'S NOTHING BETTER THAN A SMILE THAT SOMEONE HAS A LITTLE BIT OF AN IMPERFECTION, I LOVE IT. >> David: IF YOU DON'T LIKE PERFECT, YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ONCE YOU GOT MARRIED I SAID, OH, I'M JUST GOING TO FIX IT NOW. THE ONE GIRL THAT LIKED IT IS MARRIED. [ LAUGHTER ] AND YOU ARE WITH? >> JOHNNY. >> David: JOHNNY. HE LIVES IN ENGLAND. HE LIVES THERE ALL THE TIME? >> YEAH. >> David: BACK AND FORTH OR WHAT? >> WE BROKE UP. BUT WE GOT BACK TOGETHER. BUT IN THE MEANTIME HE MOVED TO ENGLAND. AND IT'S KIND OF NICE. WE SEE EACH OTHER A LOT. I GO THERE -- WE TRY TO SEE EACH OTHER EVERY TWO TO THREE WEEKS. >> YOU'RE NOT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER EVERY SECOND WHICH IS NOT A BAD THING TO BE. I MEAN, SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER TO NOT BE TOGETHER 24/7 ALL THE TIME. SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD. >> YEAH. I MEAN, THAT'S -- >> David: I PLAY BOTH SIDES. [ LAUGHTER ] JUST TELL ME WHAT THE RIGHT ANSWER IS. [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] FIRST DAY, YOU GUYS SKYPE, FACETIME, WHATEVER? >> NOT SKYPE, WE FACETIME. IT'S HARD BECAUSE I HAVE PRETTY BAD A.D.D. SO IT'S -- IF I'M NOT -- IF THE SIGNAL GOES OUT AND I CAN'T SEE HIM? MY BRAIN -- I START LIKE WANTING TO CLEAN SOMETHING OR DO SOMETHING. >> David: YEAH, YEAH. >> SO OUR RELATIONSHIP WORKS BEST WHEN I'M REALLY LOOKING AT HIM. >> David: YOU HAVE TO FOCUS. >> I NEED TO FOCUS, YEAH. >> David: SO THIS IS WORKING. >> I'M STARING AT YOU. >> David: YEAH, YEAH. THIS IS THE MOST YOU'VE NOT DRIFTED OFF SINCE I MET YOU. [ LAUGHTER ] AND YOU AND COCOA STILL AROUND? YOUR LOVELY DAUGHTER WHO IS LIKE -- I HAVEN'T EVEN HER, LAST TIME I SAW HER SHE WAS HUGE. >> COCO'S ALMOST 13. [ LAUGHTER ] >> David: WELL, I KW SHE WAS 12 LAST TIME, SHE WAS TALLER THAN ME. [ LAUGHTER ] I'M LIKE, WHERE'S COCO? WHAT? SO SHE'S HERE AND YOU GUYS JUST ROLL AROUND TOGETHER RNLT WE WENT ON VACATION IN THE BAHAMAS FOR SPRING BREAK, WE HAD THE BEST TIME. A GIRLS TRIP, IT WAS FANTASTIC. WE'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE. WE WERE SITTING ON THESE LOUNGE CHAIRS LOOKING OUT OVER THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CLEAR WATER I'VE SEEN. THE SAND WAS PINK. IT WAS JUST THE MOST PICTURESQUE THING. AND I SAW THESE TWO BEAUTIFUL HORSES, LIKE PALOMINOS, RUNNING ON THE BEACH. THEY STOPPED RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY LOUNGE CHAIR. AND I WAS LIKE, GET A LOAD OF THIS, DO YOU BELIEVE WHAT'S HAPPENING, THE HORSES! THEN THE HORSE LIFTS ITS TAIL. AND I DON'T MEAN POOPED. I'M TALKING LIKE -- SORRY, DIARRHEA. IT WAS HORRIBLE. [ LAUGHTER ] AND I WAS LIKE -- OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? AND I LOOKED UP AND I WAS LIKE -- WHO'S GOING TO -- IS ANYONE GOING TO GET THIS? THEN HORSES JUST GUBEAUTIFULLY GALLOPED OUT. AND THE WAFT OF THE SMELL -- OH MY GOD. NO ONE FROM THE HOTEL, NO ONE CAME TO GET IT. LIKE THIS IS LIFE, THIS IS WHAT IT IS. OH, HOW DO I SWIM IN THIS? A LITTLE TIME GOES BY. THE TIDE WAS GOING THIS WAY. OH, POOR PEOPLE. ALL OF A SUDDEN THE WATER COMES IN. AND TAKES IT BACK OUT WITH IT. I DECIDED, WELL, I'M GOING TO GIVE IT 30 MINUTES. WE WALK UP A LITTLE. NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU GET PUMMELED BY A WAVE AND YOU FORGET. OH, I JUST SWALLOWED -- OH, I JUST SWALLOWED! IT WAS STILL A GREAT TRIP. I MEAN, I'M SORRY. [ LAUGHTER ] I LOVE HORSES BUT THAT IS NOT MY IDEA. >> David: YEAH, YEAH, FLOATING POOPS IS NO GOOD. [ LAUGHTER ] I SEE YOU, YOU GET PAPARAZZI'D A LOT. AT AIRPORTS? >> YEAH, I CAN'T STAND THE -- OH, I WAS GOING TO SAY, I CAN'T STAND THE TMZ THING BUT YOU MUST LIKE IT. [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH. YOU'VE EVER SEEN THE HEATHER LOCKLEAR, RIGHT? TALKING ABOUT THE -- YOUR ENDOWMENT? >> David: OH, YEAH. >> LARGE -- >> David: SHE PUT OUT A BIG WEINER STORY. LAUGH LIVE [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] FIRST OF ALL -- YEAH, FIRST OF ALL IT'S NOT TRUE. BUT SHE'S VERY NICE TO SAY THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] I THINK THE THING IS, IT'S A SMALL BACKDROP, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE AN OPTIC ILLUSION. [ LAUGHTER ] LIKE A DAVID BLAINE THING. I DID HAVE DINNER TWO NIGHTS LATER AND THE BOUNCER GOES, COME ON MAN, WHAT'S UP? CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL THAT. ALL THAT. HE GOES, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. YOU GOT IT. I GO, OH, OKAY, COOL. ANYWAY. I'M CLEARLY EMBARRASSED.
