>> WHAT'S GOING ON! YOU'VE GOT SOME ZINGERS TONIGHT. >> WELL, THANK YOU. >> I MEAN -- >> YOU LOOK GREAT. >> WHY, THANK YOU. WHAT'S ON YOUR HAND? >> THIS IS MY HALL OF FAME RING. >> IS IT REAL? OH, THAT SAYS YES. >> OF COURSE IT'S REAL. >> SHAQ, YOU CAN'T WEAR THAT. THAT'S NOT OKAY. THAT'S HUGE. >> I EARNED THIS. >> YEAH, PUT IT IN LIKE A SAFETY DEPOSIT BOX. >> I KNOW YOU'RE A LAKER FAN, BUT ARE YOU A DODGER FAN TOO? >> UH, YEAH. YEAH, YOU GUYS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YOU GUYS, WE HAVE TO RALLY. DID YOU WATCH YESTERDAY'S GAME? >> NO, I DID NOT. BUT I HEARD ABOUT IT. >> WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? >> I'M A YANKEES FAN. ♪ >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE A YANKEES FAN! >> I'M FROM NEW JERSEY. >> GET HIM OFF, YOU GUYS. GET OUT OF HERE. >> HOW MANY DODGER DOGS CAN YOU EAT? >> HONESTLY? >> HONESTLY. >> THREE, WITH THE BUN. >> WITH THE BUN? >> YEAH, NO PROBLEM. FOUR, FIVE, IF I WANT TO FEEL LIKE [ BLEEP ]. BUT IF I WANT TO FEEL OKAY, THREE. >> ARE YOU LOUD IN THE STANDS? >> IN ALL DEPENDS. I'M A MOTHER. SO I'M RESPECTFUL OF CHILDREN. AND IF THERE'S A CHILD NEXT TO ME, I WILL NOT YELL PROFANITIES, BUT IF THERE'S NO SAID CHILD IN MY VICINITY, YES, [ BLEEP ], I SCREAM. [ APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU. >> NOW THAT YOU SAY THAT, I CAN REMEMBER HEARING YOUR GAME AT THE LAKERS GAME. >> I SCREAM SO MUCH. >> MAKE A DAMN FREE-THROW, SHAQ! HUSTLE BACK ON DEFENSE, SHAQ! >> YOU ARE REALLY FUN TO WATCH, I GOTTA SAY. >> THANK YOU. SO HALLOWEEN IS COMING UP. >> YES. >> YOU HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT DECISION. DO YOU GO TRICK-OR-TREATING, OR DO YOU GO TO GAME 7? >> IT'S NOT THAT HARD OF A DECISION. I'M GOING TO GAME 7. HERE'S THE THING -- NO, NO, IT'S GAME 6, TO BE EXACT. BUT WHO'S COUNTING, CLEARLY NOT A YANKEE FAN. HERE'S THE GREAT NEWS ABOUT THIS, I HAVE A 3-YEAR-OLD, WHO HAS NO CONCEPT OF TIME. SO WE, IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD, HAD A HUGE HALLOWEEN PARTY THIS PAST SATURDAY. SO SHE GOT TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING, 200 KIDS SHOWED UP. IT WAS LIKE MAZES AND HAUNTED HOUSES AND EVERYTHING. SO AS FAR AS SHE'S CONCERNED, SHE DID HALLOWEEN. >> DO YOU LIKE DRESSING UP FOR HALLOWEEN? >> I LOVE IT. I REALLY DO. DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU WHAT I WENT AS THIS YEAR? >> YES, TELL ME. >> THIS IS WHAT SUCKS ABOUT HAVING A KID, BECAUSE THEY TELL YOU WHAT TO DO AND YOU LISTEN. YOU PICK YOUR BATTLES AND THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM. I WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE MY DAUGHTER, DON'T YOU WANT TO BE LIKE BATMAN OR SUPERMAN, OR SOMETHING AWESOME? SHE'S LIKE, NO, MOM, I'M GOING TO BE CINDERELLA. I'M LIKE, OOH, GROSS. MY KID IS IN A CINDERELLA DRESS. AND I SAID, MOMMA'S GOING TO BE, I STARTED NAMING OFF ANYTHING LIKE HANS SOLEO. AND SHE'S LIKE, NO, MOMMA IS GONNA BE -- GUESS WHAT I WAS. >> ELSA. >> I HAD A BLONDE WIG AND EVERYTHING. >> THIS IS THE LAST TIME I DID HALLOWEEN RIGHT HERE, I WAS A TREE. [ APPLAUSE ] >> IS THIS CUTE? >> IT'S KINDA CUTE. I DON'T WANT TO SAY THE WORD CUTE BECAUSE YOU'RE GIANT AND I'M SCARED, BUT YES, YOU WERE CUTE. >> YOU SAVED YOUR HUSBAND FROM GETTING BEAT UP? >> I DID? >> YES. >> OH, NO, I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING, YOU GUYS. WHAT DID I DO? >> I WAS A FAN OF HIS SHOW. SO WHEN I FINALLY MEET HIM, LET'S JUST SAY IT'S ON A FRIDAY. I SAID, YOU'LL NEVER PUNK ME. BET 100,000. SO HE PUNKS ME THE NEXT DAY. I WAS SO PISSED, I WAS GOING TO KILL HIM. BUT THEN WHEN I SAW HE WAS MARRIED TO YOU, I LET HIM GO. >> HE'S A GOOD GUY. >> GIVE HIM A HUG AND A KISS FROM ME. >> HE DID TRY TO PUNK ME A COUPLE OF TIMES. AND HE FAILED NUMEROUS TIMES. SO SUCK IT, HUSBAND! [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> SO, HAVE EITHER OF YOUR KIDS EVER FELL ASLEEP ON THE TOILET? >> UH, NO. I DON'T THINK SO. SHE'S MAYBE GOTTEN A LITTLE SLEEPY. THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY. WAS THIS CGI OR DID THEY BUILD A GIANT TOILET? >> THEY BUILT A GIANT TOILET. AND IT LOOKED SO NICE, I TOLD THEM TO FEDEX IT TO MY HOUSE, I'M KEEPING THAT. >> IF YOU HAVE TO HAVE A GIANT TOILET, BUT THAT'S TOO CROWD. WE'RE TOO HIGH BROW FOR THAT CONVERSATION. >> I USE A REGULAR TOILET. >> I DO TOO. AND I'M A QUARTER OF YOUR SIZE. >> I'M A BIG GUY BUT I HAVE A REGULAR ASS. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT ARE YOU, SEVEN FOOT? >> 7'1". >> THAT'S TALL, NOT HUMAN. >> ARE THOSE BOOTS? >> YES. >> CAN YOU STAND UP SO WE CAN SEE THOSE? >> HELLO. THIS OUTFIT, TO ME, REMINDED ME OF JULIA ROBERTS IN "PRETTY WOMAN," AND I WAS LIKE, THIS IS CLASSY. I WILL WEAR THIS ON JIMMY KIMMEL. AND IT'S ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD, SO I FELT LIKE IT WAS MOST APPROPRIATE. >> YOU LOOK AWESOME. >> NO MORE PERFECT GIFTS, NO MORE PERFECT ANYTHING. >> LET'S PUT THE ASS BACK IN CHRISTMAS. >> THAT DIDN'T COME OUT EXACTLY AS I PLAIN PLANNED IT, BUT YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I MEAN. >> YEAH, WE GOT YOU. >> TO TAKING CHRISTMAS BACK! >> WELCOME BACK. I AM SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, SUBBING IN FOR JIMMY KIMMEL. I'M HERE WITH THE LOVELY MILA KUNIS. SO THIS MOVIE IS KIND OF A DIRTY CHRISTMAS MOVIE. CAN YOU SAY THAT STUFF ON TV? >> [ BLEEP ] YEAH, YOU CAN. I MEAN, IT'S LATE NIGHT, SO YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. >> YEAH, THAT'S TRUE. TELL US ABOUT THE MOVIE. >> THE MOVIE IS CALLED "A BAD MOMS CHRISTMAS," IT'S A CONTINUATION OF THE LAST ONE, LESS THAN A YEAR AGO, BECAUSE WE PRODUCE FAST. AND THE MOMS ARE MET WITH THEIR OPPOSITION, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THEIR MOTHERS. SO YOU SEE OUR GROUP OF GALS REGRESS TO BEING TEENAGERS AND YOU UNDERSTAND WHY THEY ARE THE WAY THEY ARE BASED ON WHO THEIR MOTHERS ARE. IT'S ACTUALLY A BEAUTIFUL STORY. IT'S FUNNY. >> DON'T BE MAD AT ME, BUT I SAW A BOOTLEG VERSION OF THE MOVERY EARLIER. >> OF COURSE YOU DID. >> AND I SAW THAT YOU GAVE SANTA A LAP DANCE AND YOU CURSED OUT KENNY G. >> YEAH, I DID. >> WERE THOSE LIFE-LONG DREAMS OF YOURS? >> YOU KNOW WHAT, I WAS SO PLEASANTLY SURPRISED THAT KENNY G. SAID YES. THERE'S A REALLY FUNNY MOMENT IN THE MOVIE WHERE HE WAS OUR WISH OF SOMETHING THAT WE COULD GET, SOMEBODY LIKE KENNY G., KENNY G. THEY WERE LIKE, FORGET IT, LET'S JUST GET KENNY G. AND I'M LIKE, IF HE SAYS YES TO THIS GAG, HE'S MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON. HE WAS SO FUNNY ABOUT IT, THAT I DO APPLAUD ME SOME KENNY G. AND HIS GOOD, SOLID SENSE OF HUMOR. HOWEVER, THE LAP DANCE WAS THREE IN THE MORNING IN ATLANTA WEARING COATS. IT WAS HORRIBLE. AND THERE WAS LIKE A LITTLE KID IN THE BEGINNING, THAT ENDED UP GETTING CUT OUT. AND SHE BELIEVES IN SANTA BECAUSE SANTA EXISTS, IN CASE THEY'RE WATCHING. SO WE HAD TO REFER TO SANTA FOR 16 HOURS. SANTA, PLEASE GET ON YOUR MARKS, SANTA. I'M NOT KIDDING. IT'S MUCH HARDER THAN YOU THINK. >> I KNOW. HOW OLD WILL YOUR KIDS HAVE TO BE BEFORE YOU LET THEM WATCH THE MOVIE? >> I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. IT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE THERE'S BILL BOARDS EVERYWHERE IN L.A. RIGHT NOW. IN THE BILLBOARD, I'M WEARING A SANTA HAT. MY DAUGHTER HAS NO CLUE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING. SHE THINKS MOMMY GETS HAIR AND MAKEUP. SHE COMES TO THE HAIR AND MAKEUP TRAILER AND SHE LEAVES. SO SHE SAW THIS BILL BBOARD OF WITH A SANTA HAT, AND SHE'S LIKE, THAT'S FUNNY, WHY IS MOMMA WEARING A SANTA HAT? I'M LIKE, I DON'T KNOW. SO I DON'T KNOW WHEN SHE'S GOING TO SEE ANY OF MY MOVIES, BECAUSE NONE OF THEM ARE OKAY. I CLEARLY DON'T MAKE MOVIES FOR CHILDREN, YOU GUYS. >> I READ SOMETHING VERY INTERESTING. I HEARD THAT YOU DON'T BUY YOUR KIDS STUFF FOR CHRISTMAS? >> FALSE. I WILL SAY THIS. I'M NOT LIKE ANTI-GIFTS. I JUST DON'T OVER-GIFT MY CHILD BECAUSE -- [ GASPS ]. >> WHAT DID YOU DO? >> I'M SHAQ-A-CLAUSE. >> NO, NO. YOU CAN GO INTO BUSINESS WITH SHAQ-A-GRANDPARENTS OVER THERE AND YOU CAN ALL TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS. SHE'S OVERWHELMED WITH PRESENTS. WHAT DO YOU GIVE YOUR CHILDREN? OH E NO. >> EVERYTHING THEY WANT.COM. >> YOU DO, DON'T YOU? YOU DO! YOU'RE SUCH A SUCKER. >> I HAVE SIX, THREE BOYS AND THREE GIRLS. THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE ACTUALLY UP THERE. >> WHERE? >> UP THERE. SAY HI, AT THE TOP. >> THOSE ARE YOUR SPOILED BRATS? >> YES. >> WHAT'S THE LAST GIFT THAT Y'ALL GOT? >> I DON'T KNOW. JUST GOT A PHONE TODAY. >> OH, YEAH, A PHONE, I GOT IT YESTERDAY. >> I BOUGHT HER AN iPHONE YESTERDAY. >> WAS YOUR PHONE BROKEN? >> YEAH, THE WHOLE SCREEN. >> THAT'S OKAY, THAT DOESN'T COUNT. >> SHE CALLED ME AND I DELIVERED IN TEN MINUTES OR LESS. CAN YOU BUY ME A PHONE? SURE, BABY. >> YOUR KIDS ARE QUIET, UNLIKE YOU. THREE BOYS, THREE GIRLS? >> YES. >> ARE YOU GUYS ALL TALL? >> VERY TALL. THAT'S WHY THEY'RE SITTING UP TOP, SO THEY DON'T BLOCK THE CAMERAS. OKAY, EXPLAIN TO ME ABOUT CHRISTMAS. DO YOU BUY THEM BIRTHDAY PRESENTS? >> NO, I GIVE THEM PRESENTS. I'M NOT ANTI-GIFTS, IT'S JUST THAT THEY GET SO MANY WONDERFUL GIFTS FROM MY FAMILY AND MY HUSBAND'S FAMILY, THAT HE AND I GIVE LITERALLY ONE PRESENT. AND I KNOW THAT STORY GOT TAKEN OUT OF CONTROL, LIKE NO PRESENTS FOR MY DAUGHTER. MY SON IS 11 MONTHS OLD, SO HE GETS BOOB AND HE'S FINE. THAT'S RIGHT, BOOBS, WE GOT THEM. I SAID BOOBS. >> OKAY. I HAVE A GREAT GIFT IDEA FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. >> NO. >> HERE IT IS. >> HELLO, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR CALL. >> I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU. >> LET'S SHARE SECRETS. >> WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE MY NEW HAT. >> I JUST LOVE TO GO SHOPPING. >> I DO TOO! >> THAT'S GREAT. >> DO YOU LIKE PIZZA? >> SO MUCH. >> YEAH. I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU. >> WHAT? >> I LOVE YOU. >> I LOVE YOU. >> BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> OH, MY GOD, I HATE YOU, FIRST OF ALL, BUT SECOND OF ALL, DO YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY? MY GRANDFATHER, WHO IS LIKE 94 AND AWESOME WILL TELL EVERYBODY, HE'S LIKE, I KNEW THAT MY GRANDDAUGHTER WAS GOING TO MAKE IT AFTER HER TELEPHONE TAMMY COMMERCIAL. LIKE TO THIS DAY, I PEAKED, THAT WAS THE HAZARDOEIGHT OF MY CARE. WAS THIS THE PRODUCERS? >> NO, THAT WAS ALL ME. >> TELEPHONE TAMMY. >> THEY DON'T LIKE THE CORDS. THEY LIKE CORDLESS NOW. >> "A BAD MOMS CHRISTMAS" OPENS IN THEATRES WEDNESDAY. MILA KUNIS EVERYBODY!
