Jerry Seinfeld's last time on Letterman

although our first guest tonight without a doubt one of the funniest men working in the show business today we've known him a long time he's been a great friend of ours is a very popular web series entitled comedians in cars getting coffee it can be seen on the eponymous website and also on crackle ladies and gentlemen welcome back to the stage Jerry Seinfeld [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] it's not happening this is not happening oh my god thank you thank you very much thank you thank you very much thank you thank you very much thank you that's very very nice I really appreciate that but I love weather people I like weather people because they got to make it seem like what they're doing is important they're on the news so they got their storm tracker their AccuWeather their Doppler radar just tell us what to wear can you just tell us sweater just say sweater say corduroy say chiffon whatever is appropriate I like when the guy scrolls the radar I'm gonna scrub it let's show you what's coming through the air I'm gonna show you let me back that up you see do you see what's what's happening there do you see no I don't see I don't understand no more numbers just clothes tell us the pause I used to live in LA being doing weather out there those people horrible because the weather never changes they just come out same the same back to you bills same tomorrow I'm not coming in this is stupid I don't want to do this I'm wearing contact lenses now I got glasses when I was ten years old when you're ten people put things on your face you just leave it there but I thought it was getting glasses cuz I couldn't tell my parents look like whenever I'd ask my mother for money she'd say what do I look like a bank but when you're 10 your parents are the bank I'm ten years old I can't walk in a capital one the tellers just gonna say what do I look like your mother so eyeglasses at ten races at twelve when you're thinking about talking to a girl for the very first time in your life you want as much corrective apparatus on your head as you can get I said to my parents why stop now let's get me a hearing aid orthopedic shoes I want to look like I got a lot of doctors in my life people care about appearance not everybody I was reading in the Guinness Book of World Records fattest man in the world in the Guinness Book of World Records is Bob Hughes 1,400 pounds that the man has let himself go there's no other way to say and I feel a little bad talking about him but you could be in the Orient you could weigh a thousand and go he's not talking about me okay I I try and watch it a little I'm I'm on a gluten free all fudge diet now so I'm trying I'm trying but even if he got it together we all we all wish him well if he got it together and he loses 200 pounds imagine losing 200 pounds it's a lot of weight if you're his friend what do you say you look fantastic I mean you are a rail baby I can't believe and what is he gonna say and you know I feel so much better I mean these pants these are my 1,400 I can't I can't wear them they are falling off thank you very much [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] it's our buddy Jerry Seinfeld ladies and gentlemen we're gonna go over here now [Applause] [Applause] Jerry Seinfeld everyone that was I enjoyed that and I know halfway through this is remarkable and this is a great testament to your creative ability halfway through the set I realized that that was from the old show not not just the old show but the first time you were always the very first time I was ever on Dave show doing stood at was the day that was material and but that's my tribute to you thank you very much for our 33 year relations I do you have appreciate the relationship but let's talk a little bit more about that okay that stuff is as fresh I mean who wouldn't know it's not oh are you snot it's not I mean you had things there that are still universal there okay that I so I've been working you know trying to remember this stuff and I've been doing you can't talk about wait now the same way in 82 people would laugh ah 1,400 pounds now it's not so funny yeah well it's it's dangerous it's it's morbid yeah it's a little yeah but I thought the way you set this up was very sympathetic okay great then I got away with it yeah but I mean if I were to drag out material that's 35 years old you just did the bit that's all oh that's right that's God that was fun it was it a little trip down memory lane how are you I'm great you looked fantastic oh thank you come out here and I say to myself I wish I looked like Jerry so you do you do you know you know what you do that I can't do that amazes me that run I don't know how you do that run that's really good I can't run like that anymore let's go come on let's go now what do you want me to do do you want to show you how to do it yeah just you do it and then I'll J alright alright right here hi bit alright so here's what you do yeah at some point when you feel it and you've run before I tried to run now but when I try trying to run out on stage I like to run out look reminds me Martin and Lewis yeah and I think it do it do it here's what I do that hadn't done it I ladies go to when Dave Letterman I reach over here I do this every night tap him twice on the lower back and then just take off Wow [Applause] [Music] come on [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] that was a great honor that you just bestowed um it was fun you know let me tell you this one thing that you have never done on this show is be a guest you have never done that that's right would you like to know what that's like no no no I know I've been a guest on shows other people have been nice enough to invite me as a guest but not on this show no no no that should never been a guest Isis I stink as a guest I'm not that great as a host but as a guest do you want me to give you a little feeling of what it's like okay it's like this you see this angle that's what it's like how does that feel you sit there to receive it is it that bad yeah it's bad you can't fix it now you're done but it's bad yeah people complain that I am loft yeah how's that feel intimidating yes intimidate intimidating how am I possibly going to be entertaining with this giant looming to my left yeah with a bad attitude also well I don't want to do no no no no just to give it I mean you know I don't like but you don't you do this on your comedians no no no I don't tell you do yeah well I do with comedians that's what I think with like you every actor and actress every that has something to sell is out here you got a you know I in a minute you're not reading my mom I'll tell you that that comedian cars a thing is is genius oh thanks because you can do that and you do such a nice job of it thank you and you can do that for the next two years yeah you can do it for the next 20 years yeah doesn't make any difference now do it once a month you can do it twice a month I do it every damn day if you don't - it's a beautiful idea well let me explain something to you yeah DL mm-hmm DL you see this little thing you got here the desk yeah you can do this as long as you want to this whole quitting idea is the stupidest thing I've ever heard who you're exactly right yeah I want you to tell me I want you to tell me two things one what you think you're doing by quitting and what the hell you're gonna do all right that's gonna make you feel like you did the right these are both valid questions and first I would just like to say it's my wife's fault don't you think it's time that we spend more time together as a family let me tell you what's gonna happen when you get home there's not gonna be anyone there you know why so moved on with their life and you need to move on with your and this is your life right now hear this all right the great lineup from Garry Shandling showed you remember that line that Rip Torn had was trying to convince Garry not to quit or something and he said you're a talk show animal half man half desk my favorite line from that series and that's what you are that's exactly right and your whole con what is what am I gonna tell me tell me what you what you're thinking what why is this a good idea well no as now of course it's not a good idea and I have nothing to respond to you why of defense do you think you're going out on top or some nonsense like that no there is no tie yeah I'll tell you what I'm worried about mostly is well let's just say I have to go out someplace where am I gonna get a suit yeah you're gonna have to talk show don't forget if it's so good is it ray Moore in Flanagan Raymond Flanagan yeah they sell suits I like the one where they give you everything then we'll give you suits and jackets and pants we'll just get this crap out of here though there's no price too low now let me ask you out of the family as a family a family's great yeah how are you gonna do this families great kids you know we run the ages for me 14 12 and 9 okay I want to Center on the 12 year old how's that good why I have an 11 year yeah okay the hard part to me for kids mostly now is their concept of entertainment that you are now a part of the animated movie infinity wheel of hell with the talking robots and and you know objects and Noorie animals the slow blinking sympathetic I wonder if the possums going to relate to the armadillos what one hears what happened over the weekend my wife and I were talking and I said to my son Harry I said I only have two 20-some shows left and and and so then I go out to frisbee the dog which is what I do right and I don't be good to get in more time Friz being the dog so she says Harry you know your father is retiring and is there anything that you're concerned about or anything you would like to talk about they says no no and then thanks for a second he says well I still be able to watch the Cartoon Network [Applause] she said yeah yeah because he knows that's my mortal enemy is the Cartoon Network you hate it just exactly what you're yeah about there I think this is why the circus is still around after 15 centuries of nobody enjoying two seconds of 15th century because parents think kids like it kids think parents like I guess my parents needed me to see this for some reason have you no one I got the punchline here hang on no one has got the guts to stand up in the middle of a circus and go what the hell is this supposed to be what about this have you ever spent any time talking to a clown other than yeah we're out of time no we're not tell me but you know I'm the clown of the clown well no one's laughing we're not laughing at the clowns I don't want to be down on the clowns we are colleagues in a certain sense comedians and clown comedians and clowns but we all know somewhere underneath all of that bright color there's a man who's not right he's not right I think that's the least we know yeah we know that yeah at some point he's got to wash his face taking his pants and start dealing with life like we'll be back with more of Dave Letterman here on The Late Show wait a minute what's he talking about how it's not no look we gotta fill we'll be right back with tonight's top ten I love the top ten [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: undefined

Views: 1,848,368

Rating: 4.7710681 out of 5

Keywords: David Letterman (Celebrity), Jerry Seinfeld (TV Writer), Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre), Comedy (Theater Genre), Last, Ever, 2015, april, 1982

Id: n4AWs7bbgkc

Length: 15min 59sec (959 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 19 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/Vanchat]

Pretty amazing how much of a master Letterman was compared to everyone else now.