Greatest Bo Burnham Jokes of All Time

this um this show is uh called what and i hope there's some surprises for you or something jesus i'm sorry it's a good start uh there's something to knock the water over yeah yeah but you all thought it was an accident but he meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah art is a lie nothing is real so um we uh grow up grow up with your applause stick it down you meant to knock the water over yeah yeah yeah but you all thought it wasn't it just don't if it's on repeat it will reap me just this is we'll just we can cut all this so he's meant to play the track again but you all thought it was an accident but he meant to play the water tracker get get ken art's still alive nothing's still real food jokes let's do some food jokes segways are weird so when i first met bo i asked him who his favorite comic is and he said hans taywin exactly he's a dutch comedian and when i met you you were nine [Laughter] i can't really talk about it because of the restraining order but i was just blown away that you would even know who he was what's his name hans taylor can you do a little bit of thing uh he's a dutch absurdist uh one of the things he does is uh he brings out a sock puppet which is a black sock see already i don't like him yeah all right all right so it's a white sock and then uh this first song is called a world on fire this next song is a little bit a little bit longer than that one if you're a musical [Music] and slap them in the rock misdirection [Applause] if jesus can walk on water can he swim on land when did my mother first describe gay sex to me good question i was eight years old i was eight years old she brought me into the dining room she sat right across the table from me she said do you know how your father and i love each other i said of course you and dad love each other more than two people in the world could possibly love each other she said well two men can love each other in the exact same way that your father and i love each other she said what happens when two men love each other like that what they do is they uh they take off all their clothes um they get into bed and they [ __ ] on the bible so don't talk to her anymore yes you hear the influences chaucer keats um pages are blank i know it why am i lying to you what did the prostitute do all week while she was working in chicago the answer my friends is blowing in the wind my father recently told me that i act too flamboyant on stage and i said really dad prove it [Applause] he said what about that joke where you throw confetti at the end of it i said i haven't written that joke yet because it's based off this conversation gotcha he had three best friends millie who never left her lily pad billy who was always hopping mad and roger who is arrested for possession of tadpole porn she's gorgeous said millie she's beautiful said billy bit old for my taste said roger classic roger andy kept moving but at this point like the doctor of the kenyan track team his patience ran thin and he kept moving [Applause] [Music] [Applause] drink some invisible water oh [ __ ] that water's real i had a uh i had a hot dog for breakfast uh today and afterwards i felt like this because i couldn't control my stools all right jesus [Music] glad you like poop-based puns that'll be a majority of the show [Music] gingerbread [Music] so [Music] [Applause] heads down what making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like [Music] uh [Music] [Applause] hahaha [Music] two [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] i can't hear you speaking in the microphone what are you holding behind your back okay don't be weird what are you hiding behind your back a jar of peanut butter all right sue me that's mayonnaise who are you talking to right now you just gestured to the sink what is [Music] uh is it wrong to steal scottish mythological creatures vegetables not mercy celery if oh god a lot of people tell jokes a first person i'd like to try a joke in second person um this is funny you were at the store the other day just had to be there ready for the second half i think we need to take a little bit of a break from the jokes break from the comedy sort of meditate a little and then that'll get us all geared up for the second half so i've written some haikus thank you tycoons are japanese poems japanese poems consisting of 17 syllables three lines five seven five and i find them to be very uh philosophical just in like the way they're constructed you know there's a certain soundness and simplicity a clearness and cogency if you will so if it doesn't help me for a little while i'd like to read these haikus um [Music] thank you i saw a rainbow on the day my grandma died [ __ ] lesbian for 15 cents a day you can feed an african they eat pennies old people's skin sags because it is being pulled towards the underworld one fish two fish redfish blue fish i think dr seuss was autistic a kid insulted my mother so i said your mama is so black do unto others as you would have them do to you said the rapist [Laughter] my aunt used to say slow and steady wins the race she died in a fire even if he is your friend never ever call an asian person and finally bono if you want to help poor people sell your tinted shades you [ __ ] [Applause] relax and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact [Applause] [Applause] prolonged eye contact [Music] [Applause] lift your lips to make it more comforting

Channel: Musical Comedy

Views: 13,814

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Id: woxlm7sb0ks

Length: 12min 39sec (759 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 06 2022