[FULL] Bill Burr, Jimmy Carr, Patrice O’Neal, Bo Burnham & More - Best Jokes, Burns & Comebacks

Tracy Morgan goes out and does something and it ends up being a whole thing like what how does that happy but why doesn't that happen to one person but not more than the stupid whoa Toby shut the [ __ ] up [Applause] Oh God yes sir Colin Quinn cuz he was out there nightlife I'm with Tracy Morgan how did you feel should he apologized or not do you think that like you said he was a stupid listen football the table or faster piscine I know the show was gonna be in French dude it's the weirdest thing to have our whole [ __ ] room laughing at [ __ ] I can't come have you not seen Dane Cook I don't even know the guy I just knew the reference when we were young you know back when we were alive but we would like be gone ever be going to the [ __ ] Airport you see the army guys it was like guns and badges and [ __ ] like this [ __ ] Nazi Germany did you ever think it was gonna be like that well of course I didn't are you telling them say something attached to what the [ __ ] they just said okay what can come out your ass after that let's figure it out some chewing gum I'm just confused because you know I asked you this let me ask you this with Obama becoming president do you think that changes the the racial situation in America do you think it's changed at all it's one more of them employed oh he doesn't Negro junkyard I don't know better no no no what happens it doesn't it doesn't matter because the youth they got on that Internet they put Obama in office right they woke everybody it's mostly the whiteness cuz a lot of black guys just what if I I can pick the fellas that they care about did you picture your career this way when you start out is like what you want out here you know my goal was to do stand-up I just loved in this town I was making a living doing Santa I did The Tonight Show with Johnny I did the HBO I did the young convene special with this guys 17 years ago it was the young convenient special and I was kind of old then yeah I was yeah I noticed that I was like 85 remember the time this thing ray is so much brighter than all of us I remember seeing your standup and thinking that guy's gonna be a great writer I got a question fellas now I remember seeing you at the tail-end in the New York comedy scene late 80s when it was fun I bet it was probably like a black [ __ ] at 70s 80 whatever all right I don't know the exact year so AIDS coke spoons or my Ken Burns I don't know what if what either way see how he lures you in both of you guys were having a ball now commie is like it's all this self-promotion and you know whatever you gotta wear a funny had you gotta wear a jacket it's just a lot of work it does it sucks no change right yeah we never we never had to deal with merch yeah what's Morrell see doesn't even know what it is sounds fun her I bought your [ __ ] how to do comedy book when I started up all right you don't know what merges yeah I read that it took me five six years to overcome that [Applause] the master stick I'm not that I'm not down nothing whenever I perform a show in front of my people I want people who are your people Pakistanis why do you think that that you don't do well or is it just in your mind that you don't do it no I know I don't do well because they caught him complain to my manager afterwards Muslims I did a show for a Muslim doctors Association and here were in Pakistan he Rockets and it would just be called doctors Association [Applause] no-nobody no matter even how much you might like Sarah Palin can actually envision a positive joke about Sarah Palin I made the decision after she was nominated and I heard her speak the first couple of times after a couple of weeks and I knew she was like for me a mother lode but I was so shocked that she was running it stunned me so much I said on stage I wouldn't make jokes about her because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person and so I have for for the entire time that she's been around treated her as a hallucination I did a joke one night and he got offended it was weird it was during the OJ Simpson thing you know yeah yeah and I said something but the jury thought that DNA meant that nigger's acquitted [Applause] jail right ladies and laughing my ass off when y'all edit this don't make it look like I was Kooning up because this is [Applause] outside camera and we need say dad [ __ ] acquitted the cameras shaking I don't want y'all to edit this to make it look like it sorry that nigga's laughing I love y'all talking about this so just laughs man this [ __ ] is funny hey Paul Paul do me a favor make sure you edit all that [ __ ] out just put a subtitle that says that [ __ ] coding [Applause] opened up with [ __ ] ain't [ __ ] and I was like wow let's be honest they ain't [ __ ] I mean you really got underneath what he was saying he's probably just afraid to get into a relationship you know I think stand-ups the person in the room we almost get up and articulate what maybe the room is thinking or hoping or an idea that they hadn't thought of it's like we're very real where they we have to be very rooted which is the trouble if you get successful because you suddenly lose totally a connection with with people I don't think that would affect me I can why why it wouldn't affect your act I think because people will always rape [Laughter] I have a bit for you that I wanted to tell you because I've never been out of using that it doesn't suit my oh great okay come on I want to give you a giant yeah dude um thanks I'm not gonna do it man do it now let's together swith in Montreal or Edinburgh your round comics they come up they come up they say listen I uh I wrote this joke about about raping a baby I can't tell that joke but maybe you could and you go have you seen my act it's not that bad what are you the last 15 minutes what is that what is the most offensive joke that you've ever written the if only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS [Applause] ha haha were you not hopeful that there would be change with Obama in office might love magic man we don't like talk to reality that's why I never really fell for the whole thing we like man that's why people think ancient dishwashers have predicted the end of the world in 2012 man I don't believe in that ain't ruthless watch the Apocalypto goofy little short dude I don't I don't believe in it you feel this though you feel this it's just like whoo cuz I said ancient dishwashers but let's be honest that's some funny [ __ ] but mine predict at the end of the world we're Bob you gotta [ __ ] joke about some about the end of the world living jump in Roseanne I hate hope and I got on the first public transportation and I told the white people get in the back where you [ __ ] Obama is President hey speaking of the bus let me ask you this how come people died so that black people could sit wherever they wanted on the bus and now black people all go and sit at the back of the bus why why is it because I says they don't learn Paul the same reason I am I move that the younger generation so I just wonder for all of you who are you [Applause] it's so good it's it's so good because it's so mutual [Applause] like we all know what porns illegal like kiddie porn or coma porn or kiddie coma poor and that's the worst one Homa porn is illegal I thought I was making the best of a bad situation without health care you gotta make a living Terri Schiavo was asking for by the way to dress doing comedy there or no here well stand up over there when I was there was like 20 years behind so it was like very or 30 years behind it was like very different like Catskills kind of Catskills in the in Pakistan take my wives please these kids they blow up so young [Applause] that's easy I know it's right I'm right here guys plus I would never win one of those people I don't care who's in charge I still maybe this is like my Missouri hillbilly side I still do respect the office so what the President of Germany was you have to respect the office even when Hitler Germany said no I don't I don't respect it that's wrong that's not what Germany is you don't speak really you know Lou knows there's nothing you could talk about World War two and the Germans that I don't know this 18 hours seriously yes I just got the whole Nazi thing they advertised on TV on the scene footage oh I mean Harry is it the Wolf's Lair and now they've got interviews because the people are old enough in Germany they finally have said they finally I think they think [ __ ] it we're gonna die so they're being honest and now there's all these old jurors got Val fever not telling the truth we kind of thought he was awesome we did like the Jews we were sad about being Germany's happy puppy German it was all great till it got weird I had one of the few letters written and when I was performing at The Comedy Store upset at me because I had this bit that I was doing about there's a thing called the second coming project where people have theorized if the blood from the Shroud of Turin was actually Jesus's blood we could somewhere another clone Jesus so I had this bit that I was doing about justice possibly go wrong they're cloning the very first time you clone it's not always exact science like Dolly the sheep they had to go through a bunch of dollies before they got the good one you know I'm like if Jesus comes back [ __ ] like do we still follow him like really yeah so I had this whole thing about how he wouldn't instead of turning water into wine he turned like dog [ __ ] into cookies and everybody would just follow I was doing this bit red and this [ __ ] lady said next subject like that word it can mean other things it's just gonna be ball breaking anytime you play so I was playing hockey the other day okay and this guy he knocked me down it felt stupid I got up he asked me he goes he goes you're all right I go yeah you [ __ ] like it was this oddly intimate moment he was going to you okay and we were on the ice and I and made me uncomfortable and I say you [ __ ] get away from me she wants to believe who you're [ __ ] skating around with your buddy on the ice figure skating and we're supposed to believe you my mother you see what he's doing now he's using like homophobia hey you're twirling out there and you know they're nice yes that's what guys do what about George Collins great routine what's that because oh he's growing up a [ __ ] was gay that wouldn't go downtown with you and beat up the queers just go home [ __ ] Jimmy has a book coming out you have a theory about why we even have comedy it's a little bit pretentious are you sure you want to air it because it's protected okay so I was trying to think about why actually why do we laugh and I think you know the last couple hundred years what do we still have to buy the book we release endorphins when we laugh a lot of people come to comedy shows it is - there's a release of endorphins in your your happy it was laughter the opposite of what we're doing right now speaking of women taking risk yeah I gotten a little bit of trouble for that [Laughter] [Music] check out my [ __ ] Hitler shirt it's that's Hitler these are little gingerbread Jews anything yeah it's like a Jewish woman and she's just like Hitler and you know he's in drag Hitler and he's baking cookies then he's really proud of him but also he's looking off into the horizon because he has a dream Jews went crazy over this understandable I don't see you understand what I'm like I'm it really pissed me off too they're like you're making fun of the people in the ovens well I'm not making fun of them you can't hard oh I can only thing would have been worse have you made the cookies skinny Wow I was gonna tell you a story about Richard but she doesn't even know oh really yeah she was a baby I mean baby baby and Richard and her mother were having fights and I used to call the house they lived in little on the corner from the House of Pain and so they had got into a battle and her mother brought the baby to me and I kept trying for about three days and she was a baby baby she doesn't even know that that story is really funny poke know that that was a serious that was a serious but all the white folks laugh that's good because because they all laughed no did you laugh when he said that was funny PAH did you laugh so when I first met Bo I asked him who his favorite comic is and he said Hans Teeuwen exactly he's a Dutch comedian and when I met you you were 9 I can't really talk about it cuz of the restraining order but I was just blown away that you would even know who he was what's his name Hans Tay when you do a little bit of thing is the Dutch absurdist one of the things he does is he brings out a sock puppet which is a black sock it's you already I don't like yeah alright so it's a white sock Oh speaking of porn I'm in a hotel room in the 80s on the road and my wife's movie was on the pay cable so I'm one of the few men who has pleasured himself watching his own wife Wow until I think most of us have jerked off to Belzer Joie now that was a compliment I dream about my wife but you were taught specifically the Jews are evil yeah in school yeah our history books were definitely all the original Muslim wars that we studied history were all against and then the Jews came and I remember there was a test they asked us this question it was a trick question how many people were martyred in the war and somebody was like 3,000 like no 1500 of those were Jews so they're going to hell and this was like in sixth grade or something so now it's probably a higher number I hope so we've been working pretty hard we've been going at it you are in fact an alcoholic right I only drink when I work which me and I'm a workaholic I was so excited that you were in a movie and I was bummed that it turned out to be this one in his attempt to shut down the paraphernalia industry and send a message to Hollywood john ashcroft made an example out of Tommy proving that even a rich movie star is not untouchable for the DEA the privatized prison business is big it's a slave labor market we give these little jobs and we work we get like $15 a month low end people that are doing the longest time here are the ones that had a strategy that went to court and fought it and lost I'll tell you what it did it made me feel like a black guy [Applause] whether he said something offensive or not I just thought it was [ __ ] up that one guy went home like what I guess the greatest memory ever like a stenographer and typed it out and everybody's like that's what he said and that's what he meant because guy in seat number 5f said it and next thing you know he's going around got an apologize that's kind of a scary thing as a comedian I've shown Tracy's act like his show was crazy it's shows pretty over the top is genuine so it's not like he's up there like what's up with n tables and then goes in an actor when it comes to me where you're doing like this selective getting offended who is determining how somebody's intent is who is to determine hey you know the way you said that was mean-spirited I know a lot of [ __ ] idiots I think a lot of [ __ ] is mean-spirited just because it goes against what they believe if everything is subjective to each audience so you could say one thing in front of 101 Ian's say the same thing and those people are afraid because it offends them just like me big [ __ ] that offends me but it's like I can't make those determine anything all right this is a bad example but um that's just the Canadian touch they put in right does the is the Montreal the little mascot does that look like if you asked a redneck to describe a Jew Latinos and horns whole issue with the TSA and all that [ __ ] security which is a [ __ ] puppet show let's be honest my problem with that whole thing of fat black [ __ ] day is at the [ __ ] gate right I mean she's cool name just say her name it has to be Tameka don't try to set me up through your white humor for you make it I feel you Bob as a society right what we do with pedophiles is we excuse some we don't accuse others right so Elvis Presley had Priscilla Presley moved into his house of 14 years of age and he became a legal gurney [ __ ] been till she's 16 and he married her and Charlie Chaplin pregnant a 15 year old yet no one says anything because they were the best in their field right you're never going to get another king of rock-and-roll and you'll never get a better silent movie star right all I'm saying is how talented you have to be to [ __ ] a kid at what stage do we as a society go but he was good I think he favored would you do art is dead because I think that song says everything that I think I'm talking about yeah yeah he's a prop comic [Music] [Applause] Thank You Man I think that's kind of interesting from a comic as I thought it was cute like [ __ ] porn yeah is that illegal do they care yeah what should it be what do you think no not at all it shouldn't be leave first of all I am so sick of the [ __ ] people living our dreams porn scoring a basket halftime at a basketball game that's our [ __ ] dream you're Canadian and you love everybody these [ __ ] tarts are stealing our dreams I'm not out living their dream oh I got hearing a car made out of chocolate that's their [ __ ] [ __ ] dreams not porn basketball prom king I [ __ ] I've got a whole podcast on this it kind of chips away at hope when you realize that even Muslims themselves don't get along yeah and what's the difference between Shiites and Sunnis it's like a clerical error good pun to good pun Clara I met him at a gig we had the same manager at the time because all I'm gonna send a tow guy up to open for you up so he and his wife coming in the green room they're talking about how they're living in their car I thought well if I was this girl this guy better be really [ __ ] funny I'm really good in bed because who the [ __ ] would live in a car with an opening act I mean at a middle I'm good a high-paid middle 700 and air it's an interesting point you bring up though about something young people because in the 70s you worked colleges like crazy you work colleges now and there's a long list of things that you're not supposed to talk about on the top of the list is drugs really I do tons of colleges and they'll give you a list of like they're like don't talk about drugs don't talk about sex don't talk about religion don't what are you doing home I'm like I have [ __ ] nothing and so I'm I'm Billy the mime on stage I don't know what to say we did an all-girls school we're about two seconds into our act and they got up filed out like a fire drill he knows it hey wait you're gonna miss the part where it [ __ ] him in the ass do you remember the show yeah it's like the demise of Western civilization tough crowd no [Applause] [ __ ] did you get the prior you know you do you hate white people why wouldn't you sleep it's an easier fit it's an easier like if I was gonna be right I want Bobby over what do you mean if you if you have your red dragon red by me then by Moody's you'd have a smaller conquer it was a big dick joke everyone else got it strapped the bet Bobby but thanks for joining him with all due respect as a friend my suggestion I have three daughters you ain't trying to fix them up no I'm suggesting I knew this is gonna go there what I'm telling you is you got to get outside yourself everybody has to get out of the narcissistic and I'm a big narcissist what I'm suggesting to you is have a child first thing it's seven minutes but a child will give you a projection outside of you seven minutes of material immediately but it's what what you need to do though is get outside yourself they do breathe naturally don't say don't say tight about my child but but I'm saying if you get out of yourself and not make it about you and have a kid is a thing that does give you hope well I've every know going to see but it also makes you go when they go Patrice you want to do Celebrity Fit Club if I have a kid I go yes if I don't have a kid I go nah my Celebrity Fit Club Patrice means full house [Applause] see that's the problem like you know animal rescue and stuff like that now this is really inappropriate so you guys can grown if you want but like are you involved in an animal rescue you are alright well let me just say this we've rescued more animals than Jews during the Holocaust yeah it's a true fact it's a true fact it's wrong to deter know a lot of the crowd are thinking maybe if the Jews were more helpful and can find bombs and you know we take earthquakes like dogs they would have lived that's where I was [Applause] Paul what do you think that would have been one of the cutest train full of puppies the boy could put a puppy on a train this is wrong even the dog like they look at on that jew-hating [ __ ] I mean it's one thing for a heckler to have to heckle you on stage and own that moment but when people are faceless and don't have to get the repercussions for that there are something we've said about you the first comment I ever got was when I was 15 it was go-go-gadget [ __ ] that seems supportive and honestly I meant it as supportive in the south and in the Midwest Lee even though like I am overtly political like I've had like some of my like best audiences ever because they're not as like a pathetic as like New York or LA would be you know but when I went to do the morning radio it was this right-wing country station that they wanted me to do and so we're going up and the owner of the club goes yeah when you go on the station just do the Jew jokes like they love anti-semitic stuff then I'm like this guy's just exaggerating and he takes me aside and he does like the comedy club owner thing where they've been around forever and he's like let me tell you something kid Lisa Lampanelli came to this city she was talking about the blacks she was talking about the Mexicans and we were standing right here and I said Lisa you go on that station and you talk about the Jews and Lisa said but I've never talked about the Jews and he goes Lisa get in there like a [ __ ] little new coach get in there and you talk about those dirty [ __ ] Jews and I think for for Middle Easterners the good thing about 9/11 other than all the Jews dying was thank you [Laughter] we try this [ __ ] you all right on time what I don't want HIPPA TARDIS Bobby probably I'm drinking from this side that like it went like this no no it's kind of taste like he wants to cut Ron Jeremy's dick I got been from it and why you just so you know I do colleges yeah I imitated a clitoris I wasn't even trying I wasn't even drums like this is not nothing and and there was a debate between like the lesbian jocks there was a whole contingency and they're like that's wrong that's wrong or that's wrong that's wrong yeah in their Abercrombie Susie sweaters I was like God you guys are young you're [ __ ] 18 19 years old you're offended you're 19 you know you're looking for the quit Santa Claus comes down the chimney that's why I could say this this gives me the [ __ ] right to say it cuz I had a [ __ ] relative who died it outs with apparently the wrong one [Applause] hey I got once in the same yeah I could win city sake try say one thing live from New York one thing to say yeah if I made one person happy it's all been working I love being able to say anything I want I had to learn to stop caring about people not laughing because I'd be a comedy really is not everybody should be laughing I should be about fifty people laughing and fifty people horrified and people that don't get it it's very hard to watch someone that funny that young when you think of how unfunny you were at twenty years old all I did at twenty is worried about my hair I think yeah that's a dead end what's the price for intercourse is there opponents get stoned to death really like ron jeremy right now [Applause] Ron Jeremy's [ __ ] is so big it has an elbow is his [ __ ] is so big most of the flying planes into it I was sure someone I really didn't like on this show me I usually use me as a punchline yes I did there was some Paul Provenza punchline but just I used him as an example of bad 80s comedy I didn't know at the end of the 80s there were so many just every [ __ ] comic that you knew their name but you didn't know why and they're all so kind so I used Paul Provenza as only because it was an alliteration PP it wasn't him personally he's a funny he was one of those or you could have said like Allan Havey no he's great it actually struck me as funny and I thought it would be a great bit because the bid is actually two straight guys you can't have that [ __ ] moment of like yeah you know I was worried about you right you get all weird like dude yeah it's [ __ ] away from you like you're just not allowed to have that moment so in the but it has nothing to do with gay people but they but then that that knee-jerk reaction is oh you said that word let's look it up on the chart oh that means this and it means that and now you have to go on TV because on the chart it means you meant that when you said it it slow-going you but when you did that bed it was really criticizing yourself for not being able to accept some sensitivity from another guy that's why guys drop dead like 50 from like 40 years that's not being able to emit a puppies cute you just got to keep pushing it down it's actually it's a weakness the political correctness thing took over right and now political correctness which is a well intended meaningful effort to include and to and to not just casually accept things that we had casually accepted for generations has been bastardized into some Orwellian sort of it's just to shut people up I mean the left loves to censor people and shut them up the left and the right they're the same [ __ ] years ago when I first started performing and all these like lesbian feminists in Seattle like surrounded me like you I thought it they were gonna like scalp me [ __ ] skirt and they said you know what you're doing to the feminist movement yeah I said yeah hopefully feminizing it the hug me wants my father and it was I was about 20 and it felt very awkward and I know now what made it awkward the nudity how old were you when I started standing by was 14 Wow and I just was like I can't be a child anymore well I guess it beats factory work yeah different tiny sweatshop different kind of split job yeah it's kind of gentle or sweatshop does your dad hate white people no my dad loved white women and they killed him so the detail about that Hey do you believe it do I believe Mackenzie Phillips I have done or if I were her dad Woody Allen married his way out man some people grow their own weed he was going his own listen I remember that too watching like when I would watch Def Jam and there's a generic white voice it would annoy me but if it was a specific white voice like you could picture the guy yeah and then you'd be like that [ __ ] actually happened you know that's funny but if it was just like oh I'm sitting in the chair I hated that but like as you got more successful did you did you feel like you got better or do you get more insecure I'm out of this one right yeah me too pay attention ok I do think a lot of these stereotypes can come from good places it's people trying to relate to you like I got married to a white girl from North Carolina and for the first year her family called me Bora that's what they called me was that a term of affection I honestly do think it was it was the movie hadn't even come out yet there was way ahead of the curve they were like this movie's gonna be big it's like not even the right landmass you know actually one of the stars of the show can I get a another one - I don't know you had like the Kings of Leon doing the bottle and one time I was on stage doing my Asian bit everybody's laughing having a good time gotta get paid I guess [Applause] it's better have my money [ __ ] ain't [ __ ] rain fire is sitting next to Kelly Carlin I just take a moment I got to share this with you guys because doing this having all you guys and friends have been on this show over the past few nights it's just been really hard as you do blow right Kelly comes up to me and she puts your hand and hand in mine like that like that you feel that no no and I'm like what the [ __ ] is that and she goes this belonged to my dad and I want you to have it and this is George Carlin's gesture pin [Applause] I cried like a little prison [ __ ] put it in appropriately I put it in the bag I put my weed in I felt that would be a no mosh and I think I'm gonna pierce my [ __ ] with it good thing you didn't turn a touching speech into something cheap at the end I'll never forget this I'm gonna do my [ __ ] and the thing in the ball

Channel: Fun Void

Views: 3,244,960

Keywords: bill burr, comedy, comedians, humor, jokes, standup, stand-up, talk show, Colin Quinn, Patrice O'Neal, Roseanne Barr, Bob Saget, green room, paul provenza, funny, void, fun void, Bo Burnham, Marc Maron, Ray Romano, Garry Shandling, comic, Margaret Cho, Jeff Ross, Kumail Nanjiani, Tommy Chong, Joe Rogan, compilation, full, Jimmy Carr, Eddie Izzard, Tim Minchin, jim jefferies, paul mooney, Rain Pryor, Dave Attell, Doug Stanhope, Lewis Black, Kathleen Madigan

Id: 54dxmHbJQFY

Length: 41min 17sec (2477 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 28 2017