GM GOTHAM?????

ladies and gentlemen I failed I lost and not only did I lose this is the second time that I have lost in this exact same situation in my chess career some of you may have been following this tournament on chess.com some of you might have no idea what I'm talking about this video is going to be one of the videos that I make like once every 3 four months where I deep dive into my own failures and I show you and expose uh all of my insecurities as a chess player uh my struggles with anxiety in serious competitive events and uh I think it's a nice you know it's a nice diversification of my content because some of my content is low elow chess some of it is covering the top tournaments some of it is AI chess and I do have a little bit of a reputation of like bullying or insulting lower rated players but for the 99% of you that realize that guess the ELO or me covering low ELO chess is more theatrics than that it is actual insulting people's intelligence you know that I'm very open and honest with you about the fact that I also suck at chess I suck a chess compared to people in my league all the time and that is what we're going to look at in today's video and we're going to look at how far away I am from this grandmas title I'm an international master at chess and that is why I get a constant invitation to the I am not a GM speed chest championship and I was in a final match against Pina shalva uh who is an international Master From Russia I think she's 21 she's in her 20s I don't know if she's 20 or 24 or 22 um and she's rated 2500 so her she's already qualified for a Grandmaster ELO but to become a Grandmaster you have to have a couple of tournament performances that are called Norms I made a video about this a long time ago so she's very close and you know I I I got into a final match against her and I Was preparing and the format of the matches you play 5 minute and 1 second bonus then you play 3 minute and 1 second bonus and then you play bullet and it is no secret I am a nervous wreck in these tournaments and so the match got underway and I just wanted to win a game I wanted to just get on the board because my anxiety when I play chess goes through different waves my first anxiety is I won't even win a game like I'm just completely incapable of winning a chess game at all um so you know uh we we we start the match and um and I I do manage to win a game but she was killing me uh she was sharper she was more calm uh more poised this is one of our games from the 5 plus 1 minute segment this video is is trust me it's it's a dramatic video I played uh C5 and actually one of the trippiest things about this match is that Paulina is a Carl Khan player she plays Carl Khan with black so it was going to be a thematic match potential I went for C5 she played this which was actually a surprise because she takes on D5 usually and she did play that in this match as well but then she played this trendy line Knight to F3 and took and here white is enjoying uh a very pleasant position with kind of very simple and straightforward development and I think white is scoring pretty well here nowadays uh I didn't know a whole much about this but if you notice already from the opening I'm down a lot on time I'm always down a lot on time in these matches because I am so stressed out and when you are playing five minute with 1 second bonus you are not really ever in danger of losing on time which is why I spend so much when I'm playing some of these games I stare at the board but nothing is going on in my head I'm just so nervous to make a move that like I can't bring myself to to to do something the best example of this is right here she played Queen to A4 and she's pinning my knight and attacking my Pawn she's not actually attacking my Pawn by the way like she can't if I castled here and she took I could like try to trap her Queen in the future not right away cuz it's not defended but like I could play Bishop B7 and Rook A8 and and queen like I could try to trap her you I could I could I could try to trap her Queen did I say I don't know but in this position I spent 40 seconds 40 seconds on a terrible move the of Queen A4 was not just to go this way it was to go that way and Pina just transfers her Queen and immediately is better just like immediately has a nice position here I'm trying to attack her Queen and kick kick her Queen out and you know I'm I'm doing some weird defensive concoctions look at the time she has 344 I have 158 and now she just slowly methodically just is ready to poke a hole look at this look at this preparation and she's able to to take this much time because I got a little stupid setup here I don't know what's I can't Castle anyway so my king is just stuck in the center of the board she starts attacking and I try to close the position and you know slowly she just PR apart my defenses she wins a pwn with a nice tactic and then she goes here and and I'm going to lose that pawn too and she just slowly slowly I have 2 seconds versus 54 this is how the match started my friends I was getting absolutely smacked she put the pawn on H7 I can't even get close to the pawn I ended up just scrambling and she brought both Rooks to the G8 I mean this was yeah she she crushed me uh in the 51 and um I was down three games I was down three games in the five plus one minute segment and um I thought all right three games is manageable because you know we're we're we're going to play Bullet at some point and I think I'm the better bullet player as you can see by the rating difference but bullet is not really J so like maybe you know maybe I can um maybe I can improve uh on the uh on the situation uh and and just for the record uh this was the first game of the match and I played you know I played what I thought was going to be like all of my prep I got all of my prep on the board I had a slightly more pleasant position and in this very first game of the match despite me winning one of her pawns and having an advantage for a brief moment she played at 96 % accuracy and punished me so fast and then I got checkmated this was this was game one is how I knew the match was going to be off to a pretty bad start um this was one of the first three minute games and this was my lowest point in the entire match again Pina plays the caroan and I thought well I'm going to play the Fantasy I'm going to play a couple of different things I played the Tara I played Knight C3 I played an advance I think maybe yeah I played one Advance variation I played my my E4 course against that and then here I'm playing the fantasy and I I I knew all of this because I Was preparing for her right so um I played this Gambit line where I get this very very big you know developmental setup and uh you know she played E5 and and the position was very sharp and I thought I'm going to open up the position against her in uh in the caroan and then and then we're going to be in good shape but she she executed all of the ideas of the caroan very well and she just got to a situation where she started you know trading off my pieces I was unable to get anything against Pina in the opening like nothing at all uh and and and this was the lowest point in the match because I I thought I was getting somewhere right and I and I'm trying to keep even on the clock my my heart is racing and and I spend 40 seconds on a rook move which could have been played in two seconds you know and and and she's just she's just solid and she's just slightly better uh I play Rook B7 I try to be active she brings her Rook she plays Knight D5 which is a nice move uh I try to play a little passively here try to be sneaky and Paulina finds Knight to B6 and I did not even realize what the idea of that move was I realized that she wants to go you know here and maybe Rook C8 Pawn takes with pressure in this position I played Queen to B3 and she went Queen A6 and my Rook is trapped she just trapped my Rook in the middle of the game and all I can do here is Rook takes B6 and that does get me a knight but at this level this is completely lost for white completely lost the queen is a sniper this is going to open both Rooks are going to hit my pieces and the game ends after Queen B6 with me taking perg going here and now this is just a fork and the game ends in an extremely disrespectful way I go to sack my rook and she doesn't even take she takes my knight so now my Rook is hanging and my Bishop is hanging and I just resigned because I'm going to lose my Bishop I'm going to be a full piece down shouldn't resign here if you're like 12200 but you should resign if you're 26 and 2700 my friends when she won this game it was 7 to2 she was up five games and I just assume that was the end so mentally let me tell you when you go down 72 it's it's like the realization of your worst nightmares because you have to understand I don't have I don't have many issues with mental health I think my most egreg I have anxiety and and I have um I I I sometimes get obsessive over over negative emotions or thoughts or or just a thought Creeps in like it could be anything it could be I'm going to fail at something I'm going to mess something up uh I'm going to you know Uh something's not going to turn out the way that I want or I could think about you know you know that feeling think about something you like something 12 years ago you said something to a classmate you're like why did I say that oh my God like things like that and then I'll obsess but day today I'm I'm I'm generally all right I think I'm like the average person but in chess it's like awful um a and and everything started coming true so all of the concerns all the doubts that I had and that's not to take anything away from my opponent this was in in conjunction with my opponent playing very well but I can play better too like I I I don't need to be down a minute you know every single game and for me all of this goes away when I play bullet chess for me one minute chess is not just about Mouse speed I don't have time to get anxious when you have a minute on the clock you just go it's all Instinct and that is why I I I've won the head-to-head portion of the bullet segment against every opponent that I've played except maybe against Eric Rosen because he's also like a 28 50 level bullet player when you play bullet it is just cathartic like it just I can't I don't have time to get nervous and so I thought all right I have a chance to get closer in the bullet I ended the three minute segment down three games so going into the bullet uh I am uh I'm down 5 and a half two and a half okay or no not 5 and 1/2 2 and 1/2 I'm down uh 7 and 1/2 4 and2 I'm down three games so I have to win at least three games in the bullet to tie the match that's a lot and I mean she's not a bad player right so I it's just going to happen right so we start the bullet and we make a couple of draws and time is ticking I only have about 20 minutes to operate we start the bullet you know I get I start playing offbeat openings like I realized I was not going to beat poo with with main lines cuz she's a real serious chess player and I'm garbage so um you I start playing some offbeat really aggressive stuff and you know developing my pieces and she and she blunders actually she plays in a slightly overpraise ticking right so A5 bad move in my opinion because she gives me the B5 score Knight D4 repeat once plop this Knight in and play Pawn takes F6 and create this nice barrier around my king and and and next I was like all right I'm going to go Rook F1 I'm going to play Knight D6 Advance into the territory life is going to be good take take she tries to attack with E5 I find a nice idea here Rook F1 by the way best move top engine move plate in bullet she's down 20 seconds on the clock and I get into an end game where I managed to trade everything off and I'm like oh I'm going to win right I'm I'm going to win this easily because I'm going to bring the Knight I'm going to bring in my rook and my knight to the center and uh and she's going to lose a couple of Pawns I'm going to win one of her pawns I play B5 I play B6 check but now look at her 3 seconds versus 37 she starts fighting back she's a very good player she's a very good fighting player and I thought this was an easy win turns out that it's not I start running my Pawn all of a sudden Pita's like nearly drawing the game she's drawing the game with no time on the clock I'm like I'm in panic mode because all she has to do she has to get my Pawn if she wins my Pawn with her Bishop it's a draw and she manages to do it she manages to get the pawn for the bishop and now it's a draw and she her fighting ability was ridiculous but I have a knight and in bullet a knight is lethal and I realized right here I knew right here she was going to go here now I also had Knight before before check but I had like no time on the clock here Rook B1 I had a feeling she's going to protect her her her Pawn like this and she blundered a fork and that's how bullet works I mean that is that's bullet I got a bit Lucky in this game and she played it out and I managed to win but I still have to win multip multiple games and time is ticking but bullet is where I managed to come alive a little bit now she plays E4 right I go for a Scandinavian I tried to play slightly more off beat in the bullet so that I could maybe make a comeback Bishop G4 right I could I I could try to get to a situation on the board where the the opening might not be the the the best but it's a provocative opening and we're going to have to fight against each other she's playing very confidently she hasn't lost any time cuz she gets a second back right she goes into my territory and now she builds up the nice Center I play I play Bishop C5 but her her pieces are just so powerful look at her Bishops and here look at my time I am now down 20 seconds in a bullet game so I decided here I'm going to sack my Pawn I'm going to play Queen C7 in bullet you don't have time to be anxious you just have to go you just have to move all right and when there's 5 minutes on the clock my anxiety is like oh my God oh my God she's going to she's going to see something that I don't see I I just got to no in bullet you just got to trust yourself I locked away her Queen then I put my knight in the center I created this structure and now I want to play Rook to A8 and she played Queen B6 but that allowed me to zip my Rook around and all of a sudden look at the time time's back to equal I'm playing on Instinct I don't have time to be anxious in the bullet G4 she's trying to trap my Rook on my Bishop my Bishop escapes and reroutes and I win this Pawn but it's still very complicated she's a very powerful E Pawn so I plant my Bishop on C4 I try to hunt down the e- pawn one of my Rooks is firing away at the A- Pawn now I go here my king is going to stop the E Pawn while my Rook is pressuring over here and a couple of moves later Pina blunders her pawn and now I'm winning But Here Comes her King her King goes to arrive into my territory and I realized here something very important Rook protects the pawn and my D Pawn will run she's going to try to make a draw I find that I can dance my way around but here I realize if I go here I may lose I may lose this game so I have a cerebral moment and I walk my king all the way back to f8 where there are no more checks and I realized if she goes here and here I'm too fast and I also realized I have this move threatening a rook trade she finds F6 which is very clever because if I take there's a queen but I realized I can just take and then I push she's not in any position to stop me and I push and I force a rook trade and this was a very big moment because this was the first time in the entire match that I was a game away and i' all the momentum is coming back to me but now I'm getting more nervous dude my heart is pounding like I can barely breathe I am so stressed out I go back to this setup which which has been doing wonders for me you know F3 and then E4 and I go for a very similar thing with E4 I try to play H4 very aggressive and provocative Bishop to D3 but this one backfires and she gets a really nice position against me in this opening Pawn takes Pawn takes Knight E2 oh I bit off a little bit more than I can chew here and this is definitely a bad position definitely a bad position and now I'm stressing I'm spending way too much time I'm down 10 seconds and black is better my king is not castled really stupid looking position I'm definitely going to lose so I have a moment here I can either feel bad for myself being down 15 seconds on the clock I'm like what do I do I mean she's going to move her Bishop back she's going to bring her Knight she's going to bring her Knight here she going to put her Rooks in the center lines I'm dead I am dead lost and again in a Blitz game I would have tanked I would have gotten low on time I'm completely busted here I play Rook D1 and here I come up with in what in my mind was an absolutely genius idea I came up with this idea in like two seconds she needs to play Rook d8 because if she moves her Knight in I'm going to force the knight in and then play Rook D7 and just say all right you could try to beat me go ahead and that's what I did I am totally toally losing but I'm going to get a pawn that's my insurance policy and when she tries to go here now my knight blocks my knight is just blocking and my Rook can escape But Here Comes C5 and I'm like oh my God am I losing oh my God am I going to lose this game I played Knight C2 she goes back I'm completely lost now look at my Knights barely defending my king Rook d8 but then here I found a very clutch move with just 8 seconds on the clock C4 very important move because I can't let her Bishop get active the best move for black in this position besides like there's some engine move is this because you need to open up the bishop so I sealed out her bishop and that got her spooked so she tried to move the bishop right away but now my KN blocks she goes here now Rook to E6 check and for some reason she gives it she trades a Rooks now we're in a Scramble now I'm fighting back with 6 seconds on the clock and I play King E2 and I'm I'm safe suddenly my king is completely safe and we go to an end game 9 seconds versus 19 I'm just up a pawn I'm just up a pawn I probably shouldn't win this but Knights are very tricky in bullet Knights are very tricky in bullet oh my God it's a fork and I take a second Pawn saving the game with less than 10 seconds on the clock fighting back from a terrible position and that's it I'm just going to get to that G6 Pawn then I'm going to start pushing Knight E5 check King G4 staying patient not taking it Taking the C5 Pawn trying to spread the board right now I start pushing my C Pawn making sure out my Pawn there doesn't get taken King E3 King D4 I don't have to rush the thing is I don't have to rush everything is defended in my position G5 will in the future and I get my Pawn all the way to C7 forcing her Knight to retreat I bring my king Knight G6 ladies and gentlemen I have tied the match I was down 7 to2 it is now 9 and a half n and a half when I won this game my heart has never beaten faster I looked at how much time was left there was enough time for one more game one more game I had not lost in the bullet it was 4 to one we made two two draws I won three in a row three in a row first time all match I have not had a tide match since 1-1 she won a game and I won a game it all comes down to this and the the the nervousness when you've made it back like you don't even know what to do with yourself and I'm but I'm trying to contain myself you know I can feel my heartbeat pounding throughout my body like settle down settle down just play the best moves I was so stunned when she played D4 she had not played D4 the entire match so the the second she did that I was like oh she shook like she she just lost three in a row it's like in a fight you get punched I'm not physically punch that's not what was happening but you get days you just play a move now to her credit this could have just been deliberate and I'm an idiot but like she just played like 12 games of E4 and she's not a D4 player she goes D4 I was like oh my God like this is amazing and another adjustment that I made is I started playing the modern I started playing G6 Bishop G7 I realized about 60% through the match I'm not beating her on Mainline openings I can't play Carl Khan against her I can't play French she's too well classically trained I got to get down and dirty so I just started playing the modern I started getting provocative attacking POS positions tactical aggressive positions and she took such a passive setup she played Bishop E2 and she played B3 and I was like like I have a great position and there's a key moment in this game where black can play E4 and basically I can push her pieces back behind this E Pawn and start a kingside attack I can just play H5 H4 and I knew that but in bullet you have to make split-second decisions right so I played Bishop F5 I thought I'm going to keep the tension like I'm just going to keep the tension I'm I'm I'm going to make it difficult for her to make decisions rookie one look she's down 10 seconds on the clock I thought that's it this is this is my moment it's an equal position but this is my moment I'm going to play a lot of moves and she played D5 I thought oh great she's locking the center I'm going to transfer my pieces out I'm going to play F5 G5 G boom she played Knight D2 which it's in her username she's not going to just roll over and die Pawn to B6 Pawn to B4 Pawn to B6 she takes some Center space I play H5 I play H5 because I want to put my Bishop on this diagonal I want to move my knight out of the way I want to play F5 very tense moment it's a fight happening on all three sides of the board Knight F1 put my Bishop on H6 she goes to trade my Bishop which apparently is a blunder cuz I could have taken and then taken the Knight but I did not feel very comfortable doing that but I forgot that this Pawn is hanging so it's bullet uh I saw that but I did not see that E4 was hanging so I went here traded she continues to attack I mean this is and she's down 20 seconds she's down 20 seconds on the clock here so for a second I'm like oh my God this is exactly where I want her but I don't want to mess this up so I move my knight and I play F5 and this is exactly what you want in a fighting game Pawn takes Pawn takes I sacrificed my H Pawn that was deliberate I didn't blunder that because I wanted my Pawns in the center and I wanted the open lines and I thought you know what if she's going to waste time doing that God bless she took a bunch here which I thought was bad and I took with my Rook she played A4 I brought my queen I was like oh that this is a w I got the queen there the knights the Pawns in the center look at me going E4 but then I realized this is not so simple because if I move my queen she's going to take on B6 and if my entire Queen side falls apart I'm gonna lose so right here was a sobering moment I went wait a minute I might not be I might not be doing that well let me just stabilize and and and now now it's tense in your mind you're like I'm down upon Pawn like you can't win a game down upon Pawn like this you got to go for an attack she plays Rook D1 I transfer my knight to the center at this point I realize I'm probably worse and I am it's plus one because I'm a pawn down she plays here I go for The Rook I play Rook G I don't even know what I'm doing right I no clue we're down to 15 seconds each Knight to F4 it starts settling in I might lose this game I need to make sure everything is defended no weaknesses because now the game is getting positional instead of tactical which suits her it's easier to play She blunders Bishop B5 she was probably thinking she's getting in with her Rook like this but I'm safe I'm somehow safe but she goes Knight to E6 and in this position I have a ridiculous win which I would have never seen in my life in bullet it's Knight to F3 check and I try to get in with both Rooks didn't see that not even going to pretend to see that she plays here and I realize wait a minute she's attacking my Rook she's attacking my Rook but I can take because then when she takes I take I'm hitting her rook and I'm like oh my God Rook D5 I'm going to win 6 seconds versus 14 take take Rook B7 my knight is hanging my Rook is hanging wait but I can't move my Rook I can't move my Rook because if I go here Knight F five I'm getting mated Knight F five I'm getting mated so I'm like wait a minute wait a second 7 Seconds both I get the pawn she gets my Rook I go here she gets this I play Knight C4 I don't know what the hell is happening I have two pass pawns that's all I know and that seems like a good thing and we both have 7 seconds she plays Rook to A6 for some reason I move my king I don't my king is not going to become a queen if he goes to the back rank but my queen my king goes all the way to E3 Knight F6 now here I probably should have brought my king back but I blundered I blundered a fork I pushed this I immediately was like I lost the match oh my God she's going to play Knight to D5 but she missed it she missed it letting me go F3 takes takes I'm like oh my God am I winning I have no idea nobody nobody sees this right I don't think in my mind I'm like I might be winning because I'm two scores away from queening I have the knights I have the pawn I must be winning Rook A1 here I play a stupid move because in bullet you know like I move my knight for some reason I should have obviously just pushed because the pawn is trying to become a queen not the night but I went here and then I pushed and she gave me a check I thought everything is fine but then she went here I blocked and she took my Pawn and I realized that if I take she's going to take so I looked at the game clock how much time was remaining in the match could I resign and get a new game before time expired like a last shot in basketball I looked at the game plock there was 3 seconds left I had to look back at at the board while my time was ticking and I had to play a move which is why in this position I made King E3 in two seconds I didn't have time to go resign and start the game I thought I was going to lose this game already actually I should have done that I should have just lost this game on time and then went back but there was not enough time there was not enough time to start again I played this game out she sacked The Rook very expertly done she makes the queen first this is a winning end game queen versus one pawn and uh she gave gave me a bunch of checks and uh in this position I resigned because she know she knows how to how to M with the king and a queen and um and I lost I lost I lost the G the match uh literally at the buzzer I mean it it could not have gotten any closer this was an extremely hardfought final game I was in no position to ever win it um and she fought to The Bitter End I mean she she was down 20 seconds in this game in a position that she probably did not want you know she was down she was literally down 21 seconds and this is not I mean she's not playing D4 like she's you know she's playing E4 but she fought and she fought and she did not fall over and die she attacked me on the queen side played principal chess and I did everything I could but I came up short and um I fell behind by too much but I did what I could being down seven to2 in the middle of the three-minute segment you know I um it's a shame I fell behind that much but I always knew it was a reality I always knew it was a reality and with my with my mental health when it comes to chess I I really never know what kind of Lev is going to show up and uh at which point in the match any switch is going to flip but when it was 72 I I was like I I don't want to lose by seven or eight points so you know I'm going to keep fighting and I almost won but um I didn't it's the second time I've lost in the I am not a gmps championship uh and uh in the finals I've now lost to Roberto Molina from Brazil and poina so I don't actually think it has anything to do with my chess in inabilities I actually think it's the fact that I'm playing people whose names end in oolina so as long as I play anybody that's not an oina in a final I'll be fine um that's a joke but I hope you enjoyed um the only chance I have of becoming a serious threat in competition is definitely doing some sort of sports psychology in the future not studying it working with a sports psychologist uh and probably just the therapist period uh but uh I'm not taking these events uh that seriously at the moment my priority is still on content and courses and and growing my all of my stuff but in the future uh if I do want to take this seriously I will need to um I will need to tackle that because let me tell yall uh the heart rate at which my my heart is going is um it's tough It's uh it's it's not sustainable and it it doesn't make it feel good I am more happy that the match is over and Rel that the match is over than that the match is coming or that the match is happening or anything like that so that's all hope you enjoyed get out of here

Channel: GothamChess

Views: 543,988

Keywords: gothamchess, gothamchess london, gothamchess caro kann, gothamchess openings, gothamchess vienna

Id: RvTDHUkdvwg

Length: 29min 45sec (1785 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 22 2023