Fear of being alone keeping you in a toxic relationship?

hey friends got to be back today and today I want to talk about the fear of being on her own and why we have a tendency of finding ourselves in toxic relationships because of that fear [Music] so today we're talking about that fear of being alone and why we have a tendency of finding ourselves and relationships that don't work even toxic relationships because of the fear of the unknown and the fear of going on it on our own so I want to begin today's conversation with that fear the fear of being on our own the fear of being alone and I find it very interesting when I talk to clients even friends of mine even when I look back at my past in past relationships I had a lot of fear about being on my own about living on my own about doing my own thing and I found myself in a lot of toxic relationships a lot of relationships that didn't work even annoying relationships because I didn't want to do it on my own when I listen to clients in my office tell me about them being in a toxic relationship and basically discussing the ins and outs of that daily relationship it's exhausting okay a lot of times it can be very traumatic very overwhelming very toxic and and often we don't really realize the reason why we've stuck into this relationship as long as we have is it goes down to one thing the fear of being on our own okay let's talk about that today let's talk about these choices that we make and I want to begin with how we perceive being alone okay the perception of what being alone means in our mind is very interesting because it's based on what it's clearly based on fear okay fear is bigger than life okay when we get really fearful about something it's like you have it in your mind but it's so big and it's so vast but it really doesn't have what texture definition it's more of a black hole of such right that black hole of all these emotions wrapped into one without being able to really figure out what it means it's funny because when I have fear in my own mind based on something what happens is I I have that anxiety and then that's stress and then my heart can palpitate a little bit and then it's just kind of like that fear but I can't get past that okay it's like get past that door number three your fear because I'm too busy dealing with kind of the symptoms of it but really not getting to the root of the problem or the root of the fear so that black hole visual is what I want to talk about right now because it can be overwhelming right it's scary the idea being on our own is overwhelming it's fear-based and we also feel kind of sad about it a lot of times when we're growing up we don't realize there's a big difference between what being on our own and dealing with abandonment okay these are two totally different things and so oftentimes we see being on our own as kind of being over there having nobody feeling scared feeling sad nobody to talk to it just basically being in a padded cell on your own with nobody there and that's just not what it truly is and because of that visual of fear that's overwhelming with very little factual evidence you know fear is false evidence appearing real we have a tendency of doing what staying in relationships whether it's a love relationship a marriage boyfriend/girlfriend friendship relationships whatever that is we stay in these relationships that aren't working because of the fear of the unknown okay I've been there before I've had many clients that are there right now been there done that gone through it but why do we go to such great lengths to not be alone and that's what I find very interesting and I really want to peruse that right now because I feel that a good example is have you ever eaten with somebody at a restaurant okay somebody you know because you didn't want to eat on your own and the person that you ate with gets on your everlasting nerve everything they talk about just literally it either upsets you or depresses you or it gives you anxiety but you had to sit with them because you couldn't bear the fact of sitting at that table in the restaurant by yourself so instead of having a nice peaceful dinner or lunch or what-have-you you dealt with all this because you didn't deal with the other another thing often times is that because of this fear will endure living with somebody with an alcohol or a drug addiction or both okay and so we'd rather be walking on eggshells and dealing with someone who's a full-on addict because we're too scared of going in this life on our own we'd rather be saddled up to these issues because we're so scared of the black hole we're so scared of what that can mean okay even though we're really unhappy and we know what this unhappiness means over here right I guess it's because we know what we have over here versus the fear of what we don't know what we have over here and it's interesting because we have this unhappy unsettling emotion we're dealing with this on a constant basis day in and day out same different day but we're willing to do it the same crap the same because we're too scared to trade it out for something we really even don't know what we're going to get and that fear factor maximizes the longer we stay in these relationships right that are toxic that take us away from who we are that don't allow us to really see who we are because we're so too codependent in the relationship in fear of going on our own right the longer we stay in that the harder it is to even visualize the fact of walking away and it's interesting because there's so many folks in this situation right now there's so many people and there's no judgment by me and there's no judgment on this channel period however the reason for the choice is because of the fear of not knowing what's on the other side of that door and so what we do is we endure all this abuse this toxicity probably drug addiction alcohol addiction taking care of somebody putting them in a bed every night because they're completely so drunk that they can't even walk all the above we'd rather do that and avoid being alone so okay we figured out why we're sticking in these relationships right that fear of the unknown but what can we do to offset the fear and remove ourselves from the toxic relationship and to what to find our true self okay let's talk about that right now first off I want to offer an observation that many of us have never really probably thought about okay being alone and going on our own I believe is the definition of leadership okay so a lot of people will call it alone I'm gonna call it a leader leaders have to go on their own to do things in life right when was the last time that you found a leader with 200 people swarming them following them up a hill that's gonna be a hard thing to deal with you never see it a leader is gonna be somebody that has to cultivate new ideas has to express themselves differently has to let go of people that are doing the same humdrum crap and do their own thing a leader has to walk uphill a lot a leader has to work a lot and do things that a lot of people don't want to do okay their leadership is not only in business and politics leadership is in everything that we do in life if you are a true leader you sometimes have to go it on your own and you got to be willing to do it right and when we avoid going on it on our own we avoid our own reality we avoid ourselves being a leader because in order to real really be a true leader we have to be willing to look ourselves in the mirror and say hey for the good of myself and the good of my future and the good of my life right now I have got to untie myself to people that probably don't have the best for me at heart as well as the fact that I've got to find myself okay the reason why we're in this life by the way if you didn't know is to figure out who we are we come in this life on our own and we leave on our own okay even if you're a twin even if you're a triplet you weren't born at the same time as your other siblings okay you were born at a certain period of time it could have been a minute separate two minutes separate but you come in on your own and you leave on your own so that means that the most important relationship you have is with who yourself okay when we figure out us me you you figure out yourself all of a sudden life becomes a lot easier because you understand where you're coming from okay not only that but you understand at the heart of hearts who you are why you're here and what you need to do and in order to do that oftentimes we have to do it alone when we are surrounded by toxicity when we are surrounded by people with addictions not that that's a bad thing it's just something that people have to overcome and let go in order to find their true self we're surrounded by that we have a tendency of being what codependent we have a tendency of ignoring who we are and we have a tendency of what putting ourselves on the back burner to do whatever we can to make this person happy even though we missed a big caveat right myself you I I'm the only one that can make myself happy you were the only person that can make yourself happy and we have to do that at the core and so when we lose ourselves in an egotistical thought thinking that we can make other people happy we've already lost okay so being that leader when we don't lead ourselves and we don't go on our own we avoid learning about ourselves we avoid being truthful about ourselves and honest because the thing about honesty is this we're honest in our life we want to be honest we want to love and respect ourselves when we allow our selves in toxic relationships we are not showing our self-love nor are we showing respect another thing too is that we feel like we should stay in the relationship right the toxic relationship because we end up like telling ourselves that we need to do this for them but in reality what we're doing is we're actually stopping somebody from hitting rock bottom too okay because we're in a toxic relationship that's not working it's not working for both people okay we can lie to ourselves and say that we're helping them but in reality we're not helping anybody if we're not helping ourselves and doing right by ourselves and we're definitely not doing right by anybody else because when we don't do right by ourselves we're lying to ourselves and a lie is going against our true self and going against what's just right and reasonable for us and what we're really doing is we're avoiding the inevitable right we're avoiding the inevitable because we're avoiding learning about ourselves okay one way or another you're gonna have to learn about yourself whether it's now whether it's in a year two years five years or toward the end of your life one way or another you've got to figure out who you are and putting yourselves in all these different toxic relationships and surrounding yourself with this type of lifestyle encompass with codependency is not doing yourself any good now I know right about this time in this video you're saying you know what Ashley this is easier said than done okay this is easier said than done so here's my one caveat really that I want to talk about right now is that there's always going to be excuses okay we are great humans I'm great at it I'm great at coming up with excuses for staying in situations that aren't good for me we use excuses to not leave like money security children our kids marriage whatever it is we'll use these excuses because why because they're good excuses to use right because I can't leave this toxic relationship because well I'm married and I don't believe in getting divorces or but the marriage hasn't worked in 20 years and we don't really love each other and we're living in separate rooms and there's all this toxicity but I don't believe in divorce another excuse is what we have kids together so we need to stay together well I'm sure if the kids probably I mean kids are really really smart by the way the younger they are they more connected they are to the source so they actually catch like the innuendos and stuff especially if you and your spouse are having issues they already know it okay so staying together for the kids another excuse okay I understand financial obligation and stuff like that but there comes a time when well maybe we have to get a second job or we got to figure out our future so that we can actually have peace of mind in our life okay there's a ton of excuses out there but how many excuses are you're willing to put out there to not live your true life to stay in these toxic relationships based on that fear of being alone I mean it's just real I've made excuses like that in my past to stay in easy relationships that made no sense but at the time I came up with all these excuses of why okay it just took me longer to deal with it and then when I finally had to let it go I look back and I said why did I wait this long but all that fear was mounting that black hole was getting bigger and bigger and my fear to leave got even worse it's almost like having to pull that band-aid off right and you're like it's gonna hurt it's gonna hurt oh my god it's gonna hurt oh my god it's gonna hurt if you would have just ripped it off by now it wouldn't be that big of a deal but now we're waiting a week and we know it's gonna really really be bad we're stressed out we're anxiety ridden we're gonna have to take a pill to calm down all because of the band-aid okay those are where the excuses come from but I'm going to tell you something else regret knows no boundaries and regret knows and doesn't care about any excuses okay regret doesn't care about excuses it will plague you your entire life until you actually do what's right for yourself regret is a horrible thing okay it really is because it knows no boundaries it won't let up on you it'll just come out you even it closer and farther and faster based on what you haven't done for yourself okay so what do you want to deal with do you want to deal with that fear of the unknown and embrace it and say you know what I don't really know what it is but I know there's a lot of fear in my head that's trying to get me to stay in the situation I am so there's a control factor or am I willing to walk out figure out who I am possibly have to get another job possibly have to create my own security in my own life perhaps I have to talk to my kids and explain the situation they're probably already somewhat aware of okay if they're aware at all and then stop hiding from all the stuff who I am in my life and I think this is the time because what I've realized is that our minds have a tendency of wanting to keep us in this box okay we know this reality we don't know that reality so we rather stick in this toxic reality then even glimpse this other reality you can always go back okay we can always go backwards but isn't it to actually begin to learn about ourselves are you ready to take the leap to be on your own it's not being alone it's not the black hole it's actually about taking the leadership role finding out who you are doing that soul-searching right figuring out how to love yourself and then figuring out how to what dismantle the baggage figuring out what you want to keep in your life what you don't want to keep in your life and then being able to set the record straight and being able to do what's right in your life because I know one thing we can go from relationship to relationship because we have too much fear of being alone or we could actually put the brakes on and say okay why am I going from relationship to relationship why have I been in these toxic relationship why do I tend to bring these people around me that are abusive or neglected or whatever that is or why do I have a tendency of always connecting with people that have a drug addiction or an alcohol addiction problem why is that why don't we figure it out now get to the source of why this is happening so that you can enjoy the rest of your life knowing who you are and not just playing at the will of just being in a bad situation because you're too scared to wake up in your bed by yourself and it's really interesting to you really quick because I know that some of you might say well you know what I am fearful but I'm telling you everybody that I've known that's actually done this and done this right actually learned about themselves and not only that they actually enjoy spending time on their own because they never did it before and they actually started liking themselves and then guess what they started respecting themselves because they made the leap and then guess what you find other people that have done the same thing and then there's like a tribe and then you get to learn from one another and guess what you're not alone eventually things always work out when we do what's right for ourselves when we care about ourselves and when we actually want to take the time to learn about ourselves it's up to you if you haven't already please subscribe to the channel I really appreciate it we I appreciate you watching these videos and I hope that they connect with you on a soul level because that's that's what's happening here on this channel it's about connecting to the higher frequency it's more than just relationship advice it's about finding who you are connecting with that higher self doing what's right by yourself which will radiate in a ripple effect other people will watch you other people will learn from you you will help and impact other people's lives it's such a great way that you might not even be aware of and on top of that guess what you'll learn about yourself and you'll feel good about yourself the fear factor will be gone and you'll have a lot of things to teach other people around you please add some comments below about how you've dealt with a toxic relationship exiting stage right and what happened when you began to spend some time by yourself and get to know who you are what you learned and for any of you out there that have actually done this let me know about how it felt after a few months of being on your own and learning about yourself did you get to that point where you really really loved it because everybody that I've ever spoken to that's actually done this including myself it was a turning point in their life it was a turning point in my life it was an eye-opening experience it changed my life forever I can never go backwards and I love myself and I enter relationships now at the highest of good and only when there's unconditional love consistent no more toxicity and no more strings attached stay tuned our great videos coming up for you next and in the meantime I know it I want you to continue to live your true life you

Channel: Ashley Berges

Views: 9,078

Keywords: lonely, fear of being alone, toxic relationships, fear, abandonment, marriage, unhappy life, self help, how to, Ashley Berges, trapped, avoidance, self awareness, self knowledge, happiness, soul searching

Id: y6_KkXittBg

Length: 20min 15sec (1215 seconds)

Published: Fri May 11 2018