The Making of an Alcoholic + Barely Surviving Alcoholism - The Amazing Story of Elizabeth Vargas

and hope hello ever Patong breaths a story of anxiety addiction and hope hello everyone I'm Elizabeth Vargas here behind the scenes of 2020 because tonight I want to take you behind the scenes of my life I have said before that I am an alcoholic but I've never told you the details of what it did to my life so I'm telling my story tonight for one reason hoping to reach some of the 30 million people battling alcoholism in America right now even though I had support resources understanding bosses I couldn't stop and then I found a way out so this is my chance to say to all of you keep going because you're worth the fight and so are the people you love I asked a friend down the hall here at ABC Diane Sawyer to be the voice guiding us through my story and to ask me the questions you might have to when you're walking up the street and it's a beautiful evening and all the people are out at the sidewalk cafes and wine bars enjoying these lovely beautiful glasses of wine I don't look at them and think I want one but I look at them and I think I miss that I missed that time when you know it felt so innocent and romantic that's just me romanticizing something that turned out to be really monstrous for me as Elizabeth said she asked me to come to her home to hear the story she is telling for other people living in the shadows the story of her life she is not told before we're gonna sit over here on the walls in her home pictures of the two sons at the center of her life Sam now ten Zachary now thirteen and also a photo of a journalist at the top of her field for decades a network correspondent an anchor tonight we're taking you she was known for her strong reporting around the world I'm Elizabeth Vargas and Baghdad here in Perugia Italy to return here to Jerusalem say you don't agree with the tough interviews and seeking out people whose stories have been forgotten there she was relaxed on Good Morning America Breaking and so steady and live breaking news events Elizabeth Vargas she took over the anchor chair from Peter Jennings on 9/11 ABC News so here we are two TV news colleagues who work down the hall from each other getting ready to go on camera only one of us was about to open the door on a secret life the one that was pulling her into the darkest depths of the ocean she says it's an act of grace that she is alive tonight you wrote I finally found a place of grace yeah every moment of happiness is like thank God this is so amazing you and I took it all for granted then back when she was drinking so much she could not find an exit there are days when you wake up and you feel so horrible that the only thing that will make you feel better is more alcohol and that's when you're in the death spin you know that's when your that's when people die how close did you come to dying i on one occasion had what I know to be a lethal level of alcohol in my blood system and even that didn't scare me in stopping can you believe it even that and she says she was just one of the millions of Americans locked in a battle with alcohol tonight even though from the outside she seemed to be living a golden life but I mean people can look at you and say you're so lucky really I am lucky I am lucky to have look what you do for a living look how you look look at your life it's not like other people's problems first of all yes I am there's you know I am so lucky to have my two amazing children and to have this amazing job and to have resources for people to help and resources to be able to go to treatment you're right I am lucky all I can tell you is when you're in the cycle of this disease though that it it doesn't matter how much you have or how little you have it didn't matter it leveled me it knocked me flat on my butt I you know I lost sight of everything everything and those children she loves more than anything on earth watched it in fear they would lose her are they the hardest of the hard part Oh hands down yeah yeah that's uh I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for hurting them with my drinking ever and I have I have to find a way to to not you know to something I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that and so she says that is why she's talking tonight and she's written a book for all the millions of people like her and their families locked into this same wrenching journey she writes we are your wives your mothers your daughter's your sisters your children your colleagues your employees all of them wants just children with no idea what was ahead like the shy curly-haired little girl she says she was an army brat whose family had to move through 14 homes nine army bases eight schools she says when she was still very small she started suffering from daily profound anxiety even panic attacks but with army discipline she willed herself to hide her fear and panic from everyone else through college police say both men then starting as a local reporter out west and because I am basically so insecure and anxious and afraid I never ever in my life learn to reach out for help ever and it was in local news that for the first time she says she found a kind of magic potion that helped with her anxiety after work the news team headed out to the bar and a couple of glasses of wine became her new best friend it was like ah I finally feel relaxed I think I wrote this in the book everybody looked prettier and smarter and was more interesting and and me to hear you know all my insecurities would sort of fade back and tonight this staggering statistic nearly 63% of women in trouble with alcohol say they are fighting anxiety more on that dramatic connection later tonight but as her story begins Elizabeth Vargas says she was just a social drinker who had no idea that alcoholism would slowly take over her body and her life later in the broadcast she'll show you the indelible evidence of her dangerous destination it was captured on camera there's a real temptation when you've heard a whitewash what you did it wasn't as bad as everybody says or it wasn't as bad as I remember and for better for worse I have recordings of myself on TV and audio recordings that remind me how bad it was coming up next the network hangar Dinkins a secret life that will nearly destroy everything until she finally makes her way back to joy and hope man I'm glad Aflac pays cash series premiere Wednesday September 21st on ABC good evening we begin tonight with two rescue watch Elizabeth Vargas anchor live TV news and you'd have no idea that the woman who worked so hard to be perfect is suppressing so much anxiety bordering on panic I mean I remember anchoring the evening news and every single night when Michelle and I loved Michelle the floor manager when she would count down I hated it two minutes two minutes and you know my heart would started pounding one minute now I'm like hyperventilating thirty seconds and literally the studio the edge edges of my vision would start to swim a little and if you watch carefully at the beginning of every newscast you will see me lean in and I grit with the desk with my right hand good evening from loss and and on my left hand which I'm holding my pen I'm taking my engagement ring and I'm digging the edge attend to my thumb why did you go in this business if it was going to torment you like I loved it I still love it I love telling people stories and 14 years ago she found someone who helped her new husband singer-songwriter Mark Cohen they married in 2002 you know his song walking in Memphis and her favorite song medicine man for the first time she confided to someone her deep insecurities he calmed her anxieties by singing her to sleep but even before they married he noticed she was also drinking at night he thought I drank too much and I remember him he was angry when he said it and grabbing my arm and saying you have a problem with alcohol and that just made me really mad but it also got her attention and she says she did control her drinking as she took care of son Zack then son Sam and continued to work hard at her job once even through a miscarriage and after the death of our legendary Peter Jennings in 2005 she and ABC's Bob Woodruff were named co-anchors of World News Tonight that's 27 days after the broadcast began Bob was almost killed by an ie D explosion in Iraq it was devastating devastating to everybody who worked there and I felt like I was in a hurricane of life she says she tried to continue alone carrying the mantle of the broadcast as solo anchor but after a few months this is my last broadcast as co-anchor of world she was replaced by senior anchor Charlie Gibson I was demoted no sugarcoating it that's what happened she's written she understood why he was given the job but because she had tried so hard she felt like a failure and add to that over the years the exhaustion of all the travel trying to be a good mom and the big financial responsibility so she started to turn back to her old friend white wine as consolation and this time a red flag of problem drinking she began keeping the amount a secret I would stop on my way home from work you know and have a glass of wine or two at a bar and alone alone feeling really pathetic you know I would actually it would actually pretend to talk to somebody on my cell phone oh it's okay oh no I'm I'm just here waiting for you no problem take your time I'll be right here you know like this whole facade and pop a couple Altoids and hope you didn't come in breathing white wine fumes when you greeted the kids but as time goes by her husband seems to be pulling away her glasses of wine at night are becoming entire bottles and he knows and it made all the real problems we needed to discuss and work through frivolous in comparison you know what do you want to talk about why don't you ask you up how my day is or away you know why aren't you support me more with why are you drinking out two bottles of Chardonnay every night you know I've just gone and changed the narrative in a pretty dramatic and destructive way at the end of her glamorous day at work she would head into the bathroom sink where she's hiding bottles of wine looking at myself in the mirror thinking this is Who I am sneaking into my own bathroom to gulp down you know from my toothpaste cup you know a half cup of wine so I can get through another hour feeling good soon another red flag uncontrolled binges on vacation her sister Amy had no idea that Elizabeth had a problem with drinking until they took a holiday trip together with their kids the summer of 2011 it was in the middle of the afternoon and she was drunk and she told me that she drinks too much because she was so unhappy Amy tries to intervene but Elizabeth insists she can handle this on her own she's not an alcoholic she's just having a rough time and after all she is still flawless at then a year later 2012 another family vacation this time with Mark and the boys in Florida that was our big vacation and my idea of a vacation was to empty the minibar by drinking everything in it at one point her younger son Sam comes into the hotel room I was drinking and sleeping and I do vividly remember like one afternoon Sam standing by that my head in the bed saying mommy when are you gonna get up and I remember I could smell the sunscreen and I could feel the heat from his little body because he just come in from the beach and you know what I would die for my children Diane I wouldn't give a nano seconds worth of thought to die for my children to kill for my children but I would die for my children but I couldn't stop drinking for my children ahead her first attempt to reach out for help and the day she almost dies and a stranger saves her life you passed half you were watching TV several years ago you may have seen a journalist and a secret drinker doing a series of reports on alcoholism I was struck by how many of these women said they kept their drinking a secret oh yeah we're some sneaky bitches I still remember my interview oh we alcoholics were sneaky bitches and I was like oh my god but she's right that was an interview with Mary Karr the brilliant professor and author and Elizabeth says afterwards she impossibly asked car to lunch I was so nervous to even tell another alcoholic this I said I think I might be an alcoholic and she said I am so sorry I'm so sorry you're going through this car offers help Elizabeth resists though she says she never forgot the powerful kindness of cars words because so few people tell and I'll you we all look at the alcoholic with revulsion and like you know get it together for God's sake oh you know what is wrong with you and that just makes you feel so horrible about yourself it was only after that Florida vacation in 2012 that Elizabeth Vargas decided her drinking was enough of a problem she would tell her bosses that she had a medical issue but secretly she was making a visit to her first rehab facility where the minimum stays usually 30 days I was so deluded and in denial that I convinced them to let me come for just two weeks crazy yeah crazy denials a big part of my story crazy a few weeks after leaving she starts drinking again as she returns to work this is the moment Elizabeth is about to cross another bridge toward the disease in the past she had always been able to keep a firewall between her private drinking and her professional life the firewall will now begin to crumble I looked at myself on that shoot and I was I horrible she's always had hangovers but they used to go away but now the chemistry of her body so changed by alcohol it's created a cycle of demand it's a bad bad place to be your heart doesn't feel like it's beating it feels like it's fluttering and it's not even like your hands are shaky your entire body is shaky your shaky inside and the only thing that would stop it would be to drink some more and as you watch what happens next we have something important to point out there are no scenes of Elizabeth Vargas ever drinking on live TV at ABC News her drinking creeps into her work when she is recording on video I drank and drank that day hmm because I just I was shaky you know it was horrible it was an interview with a famous singer remember for 30 years Elizabeth Vargas had always been so crisp and in control on camera suddenly she's not your parents are very very religious yes and you are very open open to see how much I was struggling to speak the editors had to take out a lot of her questions so that the piece could even go on the air after this interview for the first time word spread inside ABC that something had been wrong with Elizabeth on a shoot but she says she'd taken the red-eye and wasn't feeling well and in a few days she's back on the air functioning in top form she's an extraordinary young woman and since she deliberately kept her drinking a secret from her colleagues the producers didn't guess what it really was a month goes by everything is fine then another interview scheduled on video it's for a story that never aired I woke up that morning and I was feeling horrible that shaky horrible fluttery heart and horrible and I was on my way to the shoot and I remember we're going down Columbus Avenue and I saw a liquor store she has the car stopped she buys wine she drinks some of the bottle before she starts taping she looks shaky but conducts the interview then after the cameras stopped rolling she says she slipped into a nearby room and secretly drank again and what happens next will be the moment that forces her to confess addiction to her bosses at ABC she gets in a car to be driven home fastens her seatbelt and that she says is the last thing she remembers an award-winning network anchor is in a total blackout what's the next thing waking up in the emergency room I don't know where I went I don't know what I did I don't know what I drank I drank enough to be I have a lethal blood alcohol level that was it point four point four is the blood alcohol level that doctors say killed singer Amy Winehouse at least 2300 Americans die each year from exactly this kind of alcohol poisoning the central nervous system can shut down your heart can stop so what was it that saved her we know that she was seen wandering near a park this park Riverside in New York late afternoon still daylight you don't know how you got to Riverside Park nope and she says according to her husband the stranger a woman was driving by and saw the unsteady person in high heels and were closed a woman saw me said would would you like a ride home I guess I don't know I told her my address I was able to tell her my address um so a complete stranger yeah sees you she says she saw some men nearby that she didn't like the look of who might have been at that point probably seeing me as a vulnerable person and she brought me back here at that point I was apparently unconscious unconscious in the lobby of her apartment building maybe somebody seeing this will help you finish the portrait of that yeah you know part of it part of me is almost afraid somebody will you know it's like it can be very difficult to confront her husband mark races down and calls 911 the woman who had brought her there leaves a card with her phone number later Elizabeth calls but the call is not returned so all she knows is that out there somewhere tonight is an anonymous stranger who had the kindness to stop and save a life and she stopped and she stopped god bless her and coming up the day her secret life comes crashing down and the answer to question so many families are asking how did I drink normally for decades and all of a sudden it fell off the cliff in a world that needs a hero occasion in 2012 after that terrifying lost afternoon that blackout Elizabeth Vargas finally calls her boss at ABC to tell him she needs to seek treatment for addiction I was too embarrassed to tell him that it was just alcohol because I thought it was so unfair but like to be a drunk is just like you know even now I have a hard time saying that word so I told him alcohol and ambien with the support of ABC she goes back to that rehab facility for a full month and while there she met this man Earl Hightower one of the nation's leading experts on alcoholism intervention and recovery he says instantly he saw she'd made a career of hiding her fears and resisting help and she wasn't ready to face the truth I just thought this is the kind of woman that really nobody king is gonna get this woman stopped or there's no way we're gonna sit down and go look here's the deal and she's real okay he tried to wake her up warning she's an alcoholic and cannot drink safely God you had me right nail but back then she was sure it was impossible she was an alcoholic since she had no immediate family history she didn't know as we said heavy drinking alone can lead you into a cycle of the full disease this is doctor Deirdre Roche of the National Institutes of Health she's program director at the Institute that studies alcoholism Elizabeth asks her how the heavy use of alcohol actually alters the chemistry and your cells and the structure of your brain heavy drinking over time hijacks certain processes in the brain the physiology of the brain so that it begins to crave alcohol just to feel normal just to feel the normal longer drinking for the enjoyment of it just to feel okay if you check our website you'll find a link to the 11 questions that help you gauge if you have a problem with alcohol only half the risk comes from any family history I wrestle with was I born an alcoholic did I become an alcoholic when did I become an alcoholic what's an alcoholic versus a problem Drinker I can answer all those it doesn't matter if you were born an alcoholic or if you became one you are one and something else tonight that growing body of evidence about the link between alcoholism and anxiety especially among women is causing some experts to broaden their approach to treatment and recovery how many here also have anxiety all of us oh my god this is the Caron treatment center in Pennsylvania and for two hours a group of strangers find so much in common in their lives stigma around a desolation was a huge thing hiding lying sneaking the cycle on average an addict will relapse three to four times before they get sober and alcoholics who have anxiety are at twice the risk of relapse what's in theirs coming out and if you don't work on it and get out and get straight with it it's gonna come out sideways it's gonna come out to relapse which is what happened back in 2012 after Elizabeth's first full month of rehab it only took me like six months seven months later before I was back to looking myself in that bathroom mirror wondering how did I get here you just want to shake her and say why are you doing this to yourself Elizabeth heads off to rehab again then afterwards a few days home before she has to return and this time it's her brother Chris who flies in from his home in California to take her I walked into her apartment and she was completely out of it it had been 7:30 in the morning a couple into wine bottles beside her bed and I remember wanting to tell her you could walk into a room and you can light up that room but don't show up drunk by now it is early 2014 and after the latest rehab she's about to be hit with a double blow first the secret she has kept so long explodes around her press reports force her to do an interview she sits down with our colleague George Stephanopoulos but says she's terrified not ready you're an alcoholic I am I am an alcoholic then just a few days after that interview her husband Mark says their marriage is over there's a lyric in that song medicine man which he wrote long before they met but it says he can't save her from herself who's going to help the medicine man he can't see myself no more I think that must have been how he felt because he couldn't save me I could only save me her favorite song now the soundtrack of so much regret and it's about him being unable to help her and coming up the tape of herself she could not bear to listen to until the day of this interview and for everyone who hits rock bottom the promise you can turn towards hope since when that experience become something to hide I see Google Fiber doesn't see the full story at Xfinity fax calm the Ashleigh home store Labor Day Sale is now extended save up to fifty percent or six years no interest on purchases of $14.99 or more cat this bed for forty nine or this dining setting just what you need to help keep you going new boy goes yogurt drink the unstoppably you never know I don't own a car here let me just say something no because we didn't physically endanger my children doesn't mean I didn't devastate them or put them in danger emotionally or psychologically like that last time in 2014 she's back to work her husband Mark is now filing for divorce so she decides to take a vacation renting a house on the beach in California and taking someone with her to help with the children full-time it all seems so glamorous and privileged unless you know the unraveling inside it's her youngest son's birthday you were going to make a coconut cake Sam's favorite I had all that whole vacation planned and it was his birthday and I bought him an I little iPad Mini and wrapped it all up and shiny cold paper and and I don't think I gave anywhere near the thought I needed to give to how hard that would be for me alone and I drank I drank again that I ruined it starting with wide she says and then the only thing left in the house a bottle of tequila then she gets word that the office needs to record her voice for a report to air the next day so early the next morning at ABC crew arrives at her rented vacation house to tape her it's 8 a.m. I'm drunk I remembered that day sitting there and I could read the words and I couldn't make my mouth work to say the words the tape was unusable again it was made more than 2 years ago I listened to it to the first for the first time today and it's really hard the woman we all thought of as never stumbling even on live TV we're interrupting regular programming to bring you some breaking news and it can be heard on audio tape slurring well Howard struggled with the shows while howard struggled with the show well Howard struggled with us I can't say it she's unable to master simple words Tourette syndrome Tourette syndrome I hear the struggle I hear the alcohol they literally felt sick to my stomach but I'm glad I listened to it why cuz I never want to be there again she was drinking so much for children her boys were terrified with worry that she might die and pleaded with her to stop 3,000 miles away her bosses at ABC are alerted urgently that Elizabeth is drinking again she's coherent enough to call her sister and say I'm in trouble and it was the first time that she called and said I need help and I'll never forget that it's still really hard to talk about because I think I instantly knew like this is bad her sister her brother a friend all booked the next flight to be with her Elizabeth also manages to call a producer at ABC who knows a recovering alcoholic who lives near her rented house an actor and director who races over he comforts her children as she goes into detox he hands her a rosary and arranges a kind of sobriety coach to ride with her back to New York to face what she's done I honestly I thought it was all over I thought she was gonna lose the boys and I thought she's gonna lose her job we all did and even through the fog of alcohol Elizabeth says she finally grasped all the way she had shattered her life the anguish of her children pleading with her to stop drinking the marriage she lost the chance to do the work she loved in peril she says in this moment she was buckled to her knees by the unbearable shame ashamed humiliated a lot of pain you know wreckage a lot of wreckage in its wake this woman who says she spent a career trying to hide any weakness finally decides to give up and reach for help and you get help yeah you get help then you can fight ABC News agrees to give her one last chance thank God they gave me one more chance thank God she makes a calendar of all the days she was in fact drunk and what that did to those around her she says she was shocked out of denial and she began apologizing to her colleagues who had to redo their work because of her drinking she apologizes to the family who gave up so much of their lives to try to help her and to the husband who agreed they would have joint custody of the children and most of all with the children she apologizes in wrenching detail you can't just say I'm sorry I'm sorry I hurt you and then you know leave it at that I'm sorry I drank I'm sorry I scared you I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you I'm sorry I fell asleep and missed your recital I'm sorry I'm so sorry and she says it's her promise to them to spend every day of her new life trying to be the mother she always wanted to be what is it you most want your children to say what's the thing you'd most love to hear from them that my mom fought for us and fought for herself that she stared into the abyss and pulled herself back out that's what I would like them to say tonight mark cohen has issued a statement and will posted online but he says as always he supports Elizabeth in her recovery and the two of them are working together to be loving parents to their two incredible boys and coming up next what Elizabeth has learned about staying sober and what I learned I shouldn't ask a missing man found dead the investigation and free today tonight as you know Elizabeth Vargas is back in command how many people live here back with the people and stories she loves the breaking news reports and now the personal story she hopes will help someone else it has been more than two years since she pulled herself back from that abyss you say people are gonna say this book is too soon oh I'm sure having been sober long enough for this book could they be right you know absolutely sure but when's the right time there's no guarantee that I can stay sober for two years five years ten years 15 years the truth of the matter is every single alcoholic only has today none of us knows what will happen tomorrow we all do everything we can today that tomorrow we won't pick up a drink but we really only have today now she attends meetings support groups and has learned if she's ever out someplace she feels tempted to drink she has to leave and she also makes time for meditation to tame all that old anxiety do you still have triggers hunger anger loneliness angry lonely tired from me higher anger right and is there something specific you know to do pick up the phone and call somebody and by the way I've also learned something new in doing this story unless an alcoholic and recovery volunteers the exact number of sober days don't ask their accountability is not to us it's to themselves and those they love but you don't count the days of sobriety or do you I do but I that's something I get you know I keep to myself why if I were to do talk about it openly like on national television it feels like a jinx myself in a way and today that woman who used to be so afraid of showing any imperfection says she likes to begin each day with an anthem to humility and acceptance it's a song by Leonard Cohen a prayer from the broken places and the light that can shine through there's a favorite saying I heard that was you know when you pray to God there are three answers and one is yes not now and I have something better for you the Sun is going to be setting on us here yeah yeah another good day and you know what at the end of the day when I'm in bad it's another thank you God for this day and I am so thankful for all these new days and all of your encouragement and for everyone watching we did want to say if you think you have a problem with alcohol if you know somebody who does you can go to our website at abcnews.com and get all the resources for help and I want to remind everyone that your book is in the stores next Tuesday as it is called between breaths and along the way you told me that in this journey it meant so much to you to get voicemail messages from your friends we want you to know we have a few new ones for you tonight that is so nice and they did mean so much to me so send messages of support to the people in your life as well please do will be there reading them and we say good night I'm so proud of you take a lot of courage you shouldn't do wrong we are rooting for you every single day I've always been behind you and in front of you of 100% love you I love you thank you so much for what you're doing and we know how much those boys love their long do we let

Channel: Phillip Thomas Miller

Views: 2,681,066

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Id: HPLJuyULAZ8

Length: 40min 31sec (2431 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 11 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/TylerJim]

r/stopdrinking 579 days for me - best community ever.

[u/oO0-__-0Oo]

It's an unfortunate reality that so often addicts can hide their addiction very effectively behind a facade, including a high powered career. Often the narcissistically driven aspects of their behavior propel them into careers which involve performing at very high levels and public levels of one sort or another.

VERY common in the media and entertainment industry.

[u/paranach9]

Somebody check the toilet tanks for those jars of lens-vasoline Diane Sawyer’s been hiding