WINFREY: On our last Lifestyle Makeover program, we showed you how to make inner resolutions by focusing on the one quality you want to develop. Well, thousands of you told us in a recent poll on oprah.com the quality you most want to develop is setting boundaries. Yep, number one. Number one. I knew that was going to be it, because most women have the disease to please or have had it in one form or another. Take a look at what some of you told us about how not setting boundaries or not being able to say `No' or giving, giving, giving of yourself and not being able to give enough time to yourself is affecting your life. Unidentified Woman #1: Talk about not setting boundaries, I can't say `No' to anyone about anything. Everybody calls me to baby-sit, but when I need a baby-sitter, I have no one to call. I'm starting to resent my own family, but I'm afraid to bring it up because I don't want anyone to be mad at me. Unidentified Woman #2: Dear Oprah, I am desperately trying to figure out why I have such a problem setting boundaries, especially when it comes to my family. I allow my kids to walk all over me and feel like I don't get the respect I deserve. Inside I'm crying out to myself, `Just say something,' but the words won't come. Unidentified Woman #3: For my entire life I've had trouble setting boundaries and trying not to take things personally. Just last month I was standing at the counter waiting for the sales clerk to help me when this woman steps right in front of me in line. I was shocked, but didn't say a word. I just froze like an ice sculpture. Unidentified Woman #4: Dear Oprah, I have confrontation phobia. Once when my hair stylist gave me a bad haircut, I didn't tell her. I even tipped her. Then I just went home and I cried. Unidentified Woman #5: I let people walk all over me, like a nature trail. If someone owes me money, I don't ask for it back, and if I do try to bring it up, I can hear my voice quivering with fear, so I back off. I hate being like this, and I really want to change. WINFREY: Well, creating stronger boundaries is the number one way for most women to improve their lives. That's what we discovered in a poll. Our Lifestyle Makeover expert Cheryl Richardson says that if you are not setting boundaries--listen to this--if you're not setting boundaries, then you are really inviting people to ignore your needs. Ms. CHERYL RICHARDSON: Right. WINFREY: You--isn't that--you get that? You're, like, saying… Ms. RICHARDSON: Right. WINFREY: ...`Come on. Walk on me.’ Ms. RICHARDSON: You know, it's funny you say that, because I remember years ago someone sent me a postcard--a friend-- as a joke, and on the postcard was a woman laying on the ground, and there were footsteps up her body to here, and the line--the caption underneath read, `Wait, wait, there's a part of my face you haven't stepped on yet.’ WINFREY: Wow! Ms. RICHARDSON: And you know, as humorous as that might have been, it really struck me. Like I realized at that time, if we don't set boundaries, if we don't teach people how to treat us with grace and love… WINFREY: That's a Philism. Ms. RICHARDSON: If we don't teach people how to treat us, then essentially we're basically giving people permission to walk all over us. WINFREY: Well--well, yes, and so if you find yourself in a position, as the woman was saying on the tape, where you are the one who's always baby-sitting and then you can't find anybody to baby-sit, you have taught people to respond to you that way. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. Well, you notice in that point, she said, `Well, I can't find anybody.' My question would be, `Are you asking anybody?' Because usually we have a hard time asking for the things that we need or we have a hard time telling people, `Stop. Can't go any further,' or, `That's not OK with me.' And so we end up feeling angry and resentful. WINFREY: Now where does this come from? Where does this come from? Ms. RICHARDSON: Well, I think it's--it's--I think it's complicated. WINFREY: Yeah. Ms. RICHARDSON: And the truth is, most of our parents were never taught to have boundaries. I think if you go back, quite frankly, Oprah, a couple hundred--hundred years and you look at--back then, people had children- and children worked the farms or they worked the land. I mean, there wasn't--there wasn't a lot of relating between people, and so people never learned how to say, `This is where I stop and this is where you begin,' and it just gets carried over… WINFREY: That's right. WINFREY: And as women people, not as men people, but as wim--women people, we have been socialized to go along with the program. Ms. RICHARDSON: ...from generation to generation. RICHARDSON: Our brains are set up to be relational more so in a different way than men. So being relational, we've--we've confused being relational or relationship-oriented with giving up our needs for everybody else. WINFREY: Yes. And we've confused being nice with letting people use you. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. WINFREY: That's right. Don't you think? Ms. RICHARDSON: `Nice' is a good word, actually, to just eliminate from your vocabulary, quite frankly, because that's exactly what it means to women. WINFREY: `Nice' means being--being able to do what other people want you to do but not necessarily what you… Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right--making sure you like me, making sure you speak well about me, making sure I keep you happy, I don't disappoint you, all that stuff. WINFREY: Right. Now Cheryl says to find clues about boundaries you need to set, remember a time when you felt--this is good, Cheryl--remember a time when you felt angry, anxious or resentful. Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes. Those are clues. The first thing is we have to identify where we don't have boundaries in our lives, and a lot of women can't answer that question. So what you can do is take out your journal and start writing about whe--when do I normally feel resentful? When do I feel frustrated? When do I feel anxious? When do I run to the refrigerator when somebody says something to me and I don't say anything--instead I go stuff the feelings with food? Those will start to give you some clues as to the places where you may need to set boundaries. WINFREY: OK. And after you do that, then what? Ms. RICHARDSON: Once you identify… WINFREY: Because I know a lot of people know where it is. They say, `Oh, when my mother calls, when my sister calls, when my'--anybody, as the woman on the tape said, when anybody asks her to do anything. WINFREY: OK. Ms. RICHARDSON: Right. RICHARDSON: Right. Once you identify where they are, and I think that is an important first step, then it's about getting up the courage to set the boundaries. And it's not just `I'm going to be bold and courageous and go out and do it.' You need to prepare yourself. You need to have someone to speak to before and after a difficult conversation. You need the right language. We heard something on the tape about, `Well, I don't know what to say.' Most of the--most of the time, the reason women don't set boundaries, they don't know what to say. WINFREY: That is true. Ms. RICHARDSON: When I give them language to--to set a boundary with grace and love, you can see a change on someone's face. They'll go, `I can do that! Oh, I--it never occurred to me I could say it that way.' So we usually need support, we need language, and then we just have to take the almighty leap. WINFREY: Well, I know I've said this many times on the show, but if this is the first time you're ever watching the show, first of all, where have you been? And--but if it's the first time you've had me say it, when I--I've had this problem for years or had this problem for years, and I had to start small. I had to start small. WINFREY: So at first I couldn't just say no. I would have to say--I used to say `Well, let me pray about it. Let me pray about it.’ Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes. WINFREY: Let me pray about it. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's a good one. RICHARDSON: That's a good one. WINFREY: Let me pray a about it, let me pray on it, let me ge--and then let me get back to you. Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes. RICHARDSON: Yes. WINFREY: Can I think about it for a moment? WINFREY: Can I think about it, could you give me a day? Ms. RICHARDSON: Well, and you know what, Oprah, a lot of women, it doesn't even occur to them that they can do that, that they--and I like that. Let me pray about it. Let me sleep on it. WINFREY: Then I come back and say `Jesus said no. Jesus said for me to tell you no.’ Ms. RICHARDSON: That's great. Who's going to argue with that. WINFREY: I personally wanted to do it, but Jesus said--this is Gaye Lynn. On our past Lifestyle Makeover show, she crated a life map which I thought was a really great thing- that Cheryl had asked the women to do on that show and she discovered that she had no room in her life what--for what was most important because she was afraid to set boundaries--big, big, big issue for us, so many of us. Take a look at how not being able to say no and her fear of confrontation, which is really tied in together… Ms. RICHARDSON: Absolutely. WINFREY: I think for people who can't set boundaries, they're afraid to confront. WINFREY: Right. Ms. RICHARDSON: Conflict phobic. LOUFEK: Right. WINFREY: Right. You don't want to confront because you're afraid... WINFREY: ...somebody's going to say something and then they're going to reject you and then you're going to feel like an awful person or a… Ms. LOUFEK: Yes. RICHARDSON: Or you're not going to know what to do in the middle of it. You're going to get all upset, and you're going to not be able to have the words to say what you need to say. WINFREY: OK. So she's looking at how not being able to set boundaries is keeping her from creating the life she wants, which it really does. It keeps you from moving forward in your life. Take a look. Ms. LOUFEK: I find it difficult to set boundaries. I'm afraid that other people will think I'm selfish, inconsiderate or just plain rude. My life is so chaotic, between my volunteer hours, my children's activities. The important thing is, as soon as piano is over, I have to get to cheerleading, because it starts at 6. My commitments as a cheerleading coach... Keep going! Come on, go! And just being a mom and a housewife... We have about, oh, six or seven minutes before we have to leave for piano. I feel overwhelmed so much of the time, and a lot of the time under-appreciated. I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint someone else or hurt their feelings. But oftentimes I feel like I've been taken advantage of. And that leaves me feeling overwhelmed and angry. I end up paying for it, either with my time or even money. I went to purchase a car. I ended up paying $2,000 more than I truly could afford because I didn't want to go through that confrontation. I felt powerless. My palms were sweating. I felt anxious, nauseous, like I had this uncontrollable weakness over my entire body. One of my other biggest fears is making my hairstylist feel like I'm being difficult. I've had the same stylist for a number of years and I've always liked what he's done with my hair, but now it's time for a change, and I'm afraid to confront him for fear that I'll hurt his feelings. I've been a high school cheerleading coach for the past seven years. Though it is supposed to be part-time, it's easily 30 to 40 hours a week. All of the extra things that come with the job, the fund-raising, the phone calls, the paperwork- take more of my time away from my family and require such a larger commitment of my time. I know I need to set a boundary someplace. I don't want to continue living with this anxiety. WINFREY: Were you aware that it's having this deep of an impact on your life? Ms. LOUFEK: No, because I'm so used to having this much stuff in my life that until I did the life map with Cheryl- I didn't even realize how close to the bottom the things that I wanted for me were, until I saw it in front of me. Ms. RICHARDSON: Yeah, and, you know, I notice you said something really important, too. We were talking earlier about clues as to where you need to set boundaries. You said a really key word that a lot of women say. `I feel under-appreciated a lot.' That's another clue. If you're walking around feeling as though you're under-appreciated, ask yourself- `What am I doing that maybe I need to stop doing?' And also when you said, `I feel anxious, my palms sweat,' once again, if we look for those triggers or the kinds of things that occur- you know, `All of a sudden I feel charged up when somebody says something or when I'm arguing, in the--you know, with my children' or whatever- those are all clues as to the places that we need to start setting boundaries in order to have more of what you want in you life. WINFREY: Isn't the nature of being a mom is that you are under-appreciated? Like, no… Ms. RICHARDSON: Well… WINFREY: Your kids do under--the kids don't appreciate it until they get up and are old enough to understand… Ms. RICHARDSON: Well… WINFREY: ...what it takes to do what you've done. Ms. RICHARDSON: Absolutely. And not only that, but once again, we live in a culture that still under-appreciates motherhood.
