[NOSTALGIA CRITIC]: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Especially when you shouldn't have to. By God, is today's movie bad! It is one of the worst Christmas flicks you could possibly see! It's a wonderful little piece-of-shit bomb called "Christmas with the Kranks"! This is based on the John Grisham novel. Yes, that John Grisham. He was so good at making white people afraid of the justice system... that I guess he decided to make white people afraid of Christmas, too. He succeeded, but in a way he probably didn't intend. It's mind-blowing how little this movie tries, how tired the writing is... how it doesn't attempt in any way to give us anything new. The jokes are years old, the acting is like something out of the 50's, its message is beyond half-assed and lazy... It's just freaking horrendous. It's so bad, I wish I could give this review as little effort as possible. [SANTA CHRIST]: Wish! Did someone said, "wish"? [NC]: No, no no. I', not doing that, Santa Christ. No, I'm not dignifying this review with any kind of effort whatsoever. [ELF TAMARA]: Well, we put this costume on for no reason. [ELF MALCOLM]: Care for a little Yuletide hamper?
[ELF TAMARA]: You know it [SANTA CHRIST]: Wait, discip-elves! Get back here, you pointy-eared lushes! Critic, what's going on? [NC]: This movie tries so little to be anything interesting or good, I want to devote as little effort as possible to it. Like the good old days, you know? Before I had a budget or a studio. Just talk in front of the camera. I didn't have to try as hard. Things were easier and better then. [SC]: Well, the segue you were going to put effort into would've made that happen? But, since you're not interested... [NC]: No! No no, no! I want to give this move the same shit-poor delivery it gave me! [SC]: Very well then! By the discontinuous powers that somehow killed me in the Cinema Snobs crossover, yet brought me back... [NC]: Yeah, I'm sorry about that. [SC]: Dick. I send you to the past! [NC]: Oh, this is just my folks' place. [SC]: Not just your folks' place. Your folks' place in 2007. AD. [NC]: You mean I can see... It's young me! [PAST NOSTALGIA CRITIC]: Holy shit, what's going on here? [NC]: Hey, you wanna travel to the future for a day? [PAST NC]: Really? I get to see all the new ideas Hollywood comes up with? [NC]: That's right, all three of'em. [PAST NC]: I'm in! [SC]: Come with me, you slightly overweight scamp. [NC]: Hello, shitty camera. Hello, shitty lights. Hello, shitty movie. This is the cheapest possible review I can give to you. No budget, no cutaways. Just one asshole piece of shit talking to another asshole piece of shit. This is "Christmas with the Kranks". The movie opens with a convention center doubling as an airport... where two parents, played by Jamie Lee Curtis and Tim Allen... are saying goodbye to their daughter, who's just off to join the Peace Corps. As we also say goodbye to the only bit of human decency this film will offer us. [NORA]: I just need a couple things from Chip's. [NC]: They stop by the store to pick up some items. Or rather, Curtis has her husband go in to pick up some items. [LUTHER]: I didn't bring the umbrella.
[NORA]: I need that stuff from Chip's. [LUTHER]: I didn't bring the umbrella.
[NORA]: Well, I still need it. [NC]: Eh, he should've done Santa Clause 4. But he doesn't get the right stuff, so she sends him in again until he gets it right. [NORA]: Did you talk to Rex, the butcher?
[LUTHER]: I didn't think of asking the butcher where the chocolate was. But I will. [NC]: Our main characters, everybody! The Kardashians too down-to-earth for ya? Well, sit back and enjoy these charming A-holes. [SANTA]: I really think you need an umbrella! [LUTHER]: You know why I don't need your stupid umbrella... [NC]: You know, there's slapstick, and then there's crapstick. I much rather eat craptstick, rather than watch any of this. Oh right, they don't have any visuals. Fed up, he goes to the office to figure out how much they spent on Christmas each year. And just to give you an idea of what kind of movie we're in for... this is the kind of music they play throughout the entire thing. Yep. That "Einstein for babies" score accompanies the whole film. It's like having this music throughout the entire review. ♫ I'm reviewing-viewing-viewing-viewing-viewing-viewing-viewing-viewing... ♫ ♫ -viewing-viewing-viewing-viewing-viewing-viewing-viewing-viewing! ♫ Seeing how much they spend every year, Allen has an idea. [LUTHER]: I'll be right back. [NORA] Make sure you shut the courtains! [NC]: So, she mistakes "I'll be right back" for "I want sex on the table". A common error. As he explains that they should cancel their Christmas party and go on a cruise instead. [LUTHER]: The most luxuriant ship in their fleet. Cayman islands. Snorkeling! [NC]: Was that snorkeling or chloroforming? Great, a heavy dose of that would've be welcomed at the time! [NORA]: Well, can we still give our charitable donations to the children's hospital, and of course, the church? [LUTHER]: No, this is a total boycott, honey. [NORA]: It's $600.
[LUTHER]: It's a total boycott. [NC]: Yes, it's part of a complete asshole package. Look, there's even a part where we can sign up for ISIS. Don't you just sympathize with those people? She horribly agrees, as she forgot we have to put up with them throughout the entire picture... as Allen writes a pointless letter, saying he's not participating Christmas, to his coworkers. He says he's not angry or bitter, yet he so angrily and bitterly hands the letters out. [LUTHER]: I'm not angry, and I will not yell "humbug". [NC]: No, really, I'm not angry! Not even the slightest! Say, what's that? Curtis also lets the aunt from "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" know, and immediately, anger starts to spread. [NORA]: We're not going to do Christmas this year. [MERRY]: How do you simply not "do" Christmas? [AUBIE]: She's not ordering Christmas cards, neither. [NC]: Don't you know? Christmas is about not embracing variety, and shaming those who do! [NORA]: We're taking a break! One year off, no Christmas whatsoever. [NC]: I told you this would happen if we let refugees in! Their block is not especially happy, either. [LUTHER]: We're not buying a Christmas tree this year. [RANDY]: Sorry we had to go up on the price.
[MR. SCANLON]: We're making less per tree than last year. [LUTHER]: It's not about the money. [NC]: Even though you clearly said it is about the money. [BIFF]: Hello! Hello! Anybody home?
[NC]: What the hell! [NC]: Oh yeah, yeah, I forgot. I cut to random film clips a lot more in the past. [VADER]: Noooo! [NC]: Yeah, got it. [ASH]: Groovy.
[NC]: I'm good! [VENKMAN]: He slimed me. [NC]: Knock it off! OK, maybe some of the traditions of the past are a little much, but you know what? It's still great to be back in the good old days! [MOM]: Son, when are you going to stop swearing? [NC]: Shut up, mom! People are going to find this charming! The Boy Scouts go and tell the head of the block, played by Dan Aykroyd... about the Kranks abandoning Christmas. [VIC]: Becker is at it again.
[LUTHER]: Evening, Vic. [NC]: Enjoying the randomly placed snow puddles the sun didn't melt for some reason? [VIC]: But I gotta tell you, a lot of the neighbors are pretty upset. [LUTHER]: You trying to make me feel guilty. Get off with it. [NC]: You're just upset because my Home Improvement bumped and saved Soul Man. [VIC]: Perfect time to put up Frosty. [NC]: But of course, it
doesn't stop there... as every house in the block apparently
hangs some giant Frosty decoration. Oh, come on. You know, what never has and never will be a thing. And the Kranks refuse to hang theirs, spreading more misery to the easily offendable. [WALT]: Still working for The Man, huh? I thought they would've made you a partner by now. [LUTHER]: I got to get to work.
[WALT]: Have a good one! Old man. [NC]: Wow. That's some prime-meat asshole right there. "Can I have yesterday's asshole?" "No, no, you deserve the 'crème de la crème' asshole". Straight from the witch's vagina. [LUTHER]: Bah, humbug. [SECRETARY]: Good morning, Mr Scrooge. [DOX]: Walmart called. They said I had to buy my own cheap perfume, since Santa Claus isn't coming this year. [NC]: Well, at least our Starbucks cups are still celebrating Christma-- Oh my God! You will face the wrath of my first-world problem! Get a load of this. The neighbors actually line up outside their house, demanding Frosty. Do any of these people work? [VIC]: We're here for Frosty! [NORA]: Oh, they're gonna come back! [NC]: Oh, come on, lady. Olive Oil wouldn't overreact this much. [NORA]: They want Frosty.
[LUTHER]: Well, they can't have him. [NORA]: They won't go away.
[LUTHER]: Well, don't give them Frosty! [NC]: Not giving into a demand that would take seconds of no effort... is working out great in this stress-free Christmas that we apparently wanted. [NORA]: I am the one trapped here! I am the one dealing with this! [NC]: Christ, she would react less to Mike Myers approaching the house! I said, she'd react less to--Oh that's right, I don't have any actors. I will move the camera... No, no! I'm keeping it still. Simple old days [IMPERSONATING LAURIE]: Mike Myers, you may be a serial killer, but these people want me to hang a snowman. They're much more dangerous [IMPERSONATING MYERS]: If only I could get you this afraid of me. [LAURIE]: Sorry, Mike Myers! It's Christmas Town! [NC]: You know, the past is a lot more awkward than I remember it. She tries driving away, but the neighbors, who have clearly sacrificed the art of having a social life, chase her down. [VIC]: Give us Frosty! Please! It's all we-- [NC]: You know, "crapstick" is too good a word for this. How about something more fitting, like... "slapshit". Enjoy your slapshit, everybody. Which is, again, something I'd much rather do, than watch any of this! So, to feel better, they go to get a tan from this sexy Oompa-Loompa. Which, of course, leads to even more confusing comedy. [MAN]: Excuse me! [NC]: "Oh, sorry. I'm an unexplained weird-voiced pervert you'll never see again!" Comic gold...? Apparently, they thought that joke would work so well, that they actually do it again. Only this time, with a perverted priest. [PRIEST]: It's a mall, Nora. I'm Christmas shopping. [NORA]: Of course you are. Jeez, lady, make up your mind! [NC]: Noticed that awkward silence that's accompanying this entire scene? That's because you're laughing so hard at this ingenuous set-up... that they're actually allowing you to laugh at it! It's all considered that way! [PRIEST]: Luther?
[LUTHER]: Father Zabriskie! Umm... Hey! [NC]: Yes, because tanning is not God's way! Or the way of all these onlookers, who clearly have never left their homes... and have no idea what's supposed to be inappropriate in the real world. Hell, it even makes the front-page of the news! I am not shitting you. The front-page news! What the hell is going on here? [NORA]: "They're preparing for cruise, according to unnamed sources". [NC]: OK, I haven't been to Oak Park or Riverside recently, as they're not that far away from me. But, this counts as front-page news to them? Seriously? "Stop the presses, everybody! A rock! Oh my God! This is the biggest story ever since 'Squirrel'!" "We're on bigger-than-squirrel lockdown, everybody!
We have to address the elephant in the room." DAAH! That's right. I forgot about those memes I always tried to force. [BISON]: Of course! OK, did that connect to anything...? Yes, it is! But-- Just like that! But-- [CHARLIE]: I was frozen to-! [NC]: None of this has to do with what I am reviewing-- Stop it! Stop! Stop! [NICK]: That's a lot of fish.
[CORNELIUS]: Rheumatism! [DR SMITH]: Spiders! [NC]: Christ! I thought all these repetitive traditions would be great, but I'm sorry! I gotta return to effort! [SC]: What! You can't go back yet! [NC]: Why not?
[SC]: Because you're supposed to learn your lesson by the end of the video. We're not even half-way through! Look at the little red border. [NC]: I don't care! I need to go back! Right now! [SC]: Fine, but we're violating the screenwriting lessons of Chris Columbus. [MOM]: Let's never have him in the house again. [DAD]: Agreed. [NC]: You, out. [PAST NC]: What have you done!
[NC]: What? [PAST NC]: Your reviews. They have more variety, actors and visuals. [NC]: Well, yeah. You've got to evolve, in order to stay relevant. [PAST NC]: I have seen reviews where there wasn't even one white wall. That's your identity! And some of these don't even have clips from the movie! [NC]: Yeah, it's a different kind of reviewing, to get a lot of hits.
[PAST NC]: That's not traditional. How the hell can you do a review with no clips? [NC]: Similar to how other critics did it for hundreds of years? [PAST NC]: No. It's not a review. It's just sketches. You're not saying anything about the movie at all. [WINIFRED]: ♫ Our writing is atrocious and makes no goddamn sense ♫ ♫ But you'll laugh because we always use synchronized movements ♫ [NC]: Yeah, no commentary in the slightest. [PAST NC]]: Who knows what this might lead to? Crossovers, anniversary specials. A pointless feud with an angry gamer! And all of them will bomb! [NC]: OK, I don't have time for this. Go back to saying "Bat-Credit Card" twenty times! [PAST NC]: No, I am not done here yet! [SC]: Well, I tried. [NC]: So. In an effort to make you as uncomfortable as possible, this scene happens. [CANDI]: It's Bev Scheel. She went for a check-up yesterday. The cancer's back for the third time. [NC]: Whoa. [CANDI]: This could be her last Christmas. [NC]: Yikes! Well, OK. I guess we have to find the time to show how this is affecting everybody... Or we can just return to the goofy music and silly shenanigans! [WALT]: Isn't it old Scrooge himself. [NC]: I'm not even kidding. It cuts directly to that, after literally 20 seconds. Twenty seconds of suddenly talking about cancer! Jesus Christ, the bedside manner of this movie is on par with a Canadian PSA! [WOMAN]: It's a rape whistle.
[NC]: Merry Christmas! They even have the balls to cut to the husband of the cancer patient being an asshole again. What is this movie trying to do? [WALT]: I try to be, old man.
[LUTHER]: Stop that. [WALT]: Stop what?
[LUTHER]: Stop calling me "old man"! You're like 10 years older than me! [WALT]: Am I?
[LUTHER]: Yeah! [WALT]: Well, prove it! [NORA]: Walt! I just heard about Bev. I am so sorry. [NC]: You know, if we could bottle this movie and drop it on our enemies, nobody would ever touch us. So, later on on the most evenly lit block in town, a bunch of carolers come to sing for the holidays. This causes the Kranks to duck and cover for some reason. [CAROLERS SINGING] [NC]: Who the hell does this?! I mean, I'm not a fan of something like country music. But that doesn't mean I'm going to act anything like this if someone played it! Tamara! Stop playing that music! [TAMARA]: Why?
[NC]: Just do it! Don't ever force me to have those incredibly normal spasms again! [TAMARA]: Freak. [CAROLERS STILL SINGING] [NC]: OK, can we never cut back to Aykroyd singing again? I thought that was a legal agreement he would never do that again, after "Blues Brothers 2000". Apparently, their Christmas spirit is so down, that even their statue of Frosty turns evil. I can't make that shit up. [NEIGHBORS]: Free Frosty! Free Frosty! Free Frosty! [NC]: And that's not just the lighting. They had to literally sculpt that to give it an evil brow. The symbolism is amazing. Why don't you just have an alien pop up in "Gravity", and say... [ALIEN]: "She's a fetus. It's a metaphor for rebirth!" [NC]: This leads to the movie turning into "Home Alone" for absolutely no reason. Yeah, take that, mailman who has no interest in my actions! Look out! It's clearly not cold enough outside for the water to freeze! I'm just going to assume that was thrown in there for the poster. Is it on there? Yeah. Animal cruelty is fine, as long as it's used for promotional purposes. And hey, since it's the early 2000's, why not a needless Botox joke? [LUTHER]: I had a Botox injection today. [NC]: Because Lord knows, this won't be everywhere! [LUTHER]: I got a Botox... [FIONA]: It's the Botox... I just swung by a little Botox party [ADON]: Did you bring any Botox? [DANNY]: I didn't bring the Botox. [DR COX] Did you Botox your face
into an expressionless mask? [NC]: Malcolm! It's time we lay that joke to rest. No, don't do it. After his face heals literally the next day, hey, it heals faster than the other scars this movie leaves... people call their house, demanding that they free Frosty. They even start standing outside all day. [KIDS]: Free Frosty! Free Frosty! Free Frosty! [NC MOCKING KID]: Hey Bobby, you want to wast hours of our childhood chanting outside a house... about how someone should hang up a piece of plastic? [NC MOCKING ANOTHER KID]: Hey, what grown boy hasn't? [NC]: But suddenly they get news that not only is their daughter coming home for Christmas that night... but she just met someone, and is getting married. Wow, that seems really fast and out of nowhere. We should obviously sit down and talk about her future-- [NORA]: We're having a party. [NC]: Or throw a Christmas party. That's obviously much more important here. [LUTHER]: What about our trip?
[NORA]: This was all your stupid idea. [LUTHER]: Five minutes ago I was a genius.
[NORA]: Yeah, well, now you're an idiot. [NC]: Hey, that's what every fan said about John Grisham after watching this movie. [LUTHER]: Five minutes ago I was a genius.
[NORA]: Yeah, well, now you're an idiot. [NC]: This moment is apparently so wonderful, that Frosty goes back to smiling again. I... is that snowman possessed? Should we make the next one out of holy water? So, the always loving Boy Scouts rake up the price for their shittiest tree. Kind of surprised they allowed their name to be attached to this, actually. So, Allen asks his neighbor if he can borrow his. Christ, that's not a tree. That's a stoner's breakfast! But that's OK. He uses one of the kids still chanting outside his house to help him out. [KIDS]: Free Frost! Free Frosty! [NC]: OK, seriously, who would waste so much time on something so pathetic?! [MALCOLM]: Uh, Critic? [PNC]: Free Critic! Free Critic! Free Critic! [NC]: In never thought I'd say this, but you have my permission to beat the shit out of me. [PAST NC]: Free Critic! Free Critic! Free Critic! Wait, wait wait wait! He barely had you in this episode, didn't he? [TAMARA]: That's true. [PAST NC]: What if I told you, I could get you an even more important role? [NC]: So, Curtis goes to pick up the last hickory honey ham in the store. But another woman has her sights on it. [ Strangely jazzy rendition of "Trepak"
from the Nutcracker. ] OK, can we agree that any movie with comedic Nutcracker music should be dead to the world? [WOMAN]: Happy Holidays. [NC]: You know, I feel like "slapshit" is too good a word for this now. How about... "Shit-shit"? That's... You just watch the movie and say "shit-shit". Can you think of any other perfect word for this? A little kid can look at this and be like... [BABY]: Shit-shit!
[NC]: Yes, yes. Very good, Billy. Shit-shit indeed. [BABY]: Its comedic foundations are seriously lacking.
[NC]: Yeah, OK, don't oversell it. But she comes across with what Martin Short would look like two years from now... who somehow gets invited to the party. [MARTY]: Thank you. [NORA]: Who are you? [NC]: Meanwhile, Allen tries to put Frosty up on the roof. [VIC]: Hey kids! Guys! Mr Krank is putting up his Frosty! [NC]: To hell with these boring video games. We can watch the wonder of a man slowly plugging in a light! OK! Is that thing made out of Satan's saliva? [NC AS SNOWMAN]: Do you wanna kill Tim Allen? [NC]: But emergency vehicles come, pointlessly parking on the lawn... and cutting him down in a way that injures him even more. Pffft. Firefighters. Bunch of hacks, right? So, they finally let everybody know that they're celebrating Christmas again... and they need their help to get ready. [VIC]: Drop what you're doing and pitch in. [MAN 1]: Why should we do this for him? [MAN 2]: Yeah, he's a jerk! [VIC]: Regardless of how you feel about Luther, I know a lot of you have mixed feeling about him now. [VIC]: But we're a community.
[NC AS VIC]: A dangerously OCD community, with issues we'll address another time. [VIC]: People in a community stick together. Even if one of them has been behaving for most of the holiday season like a spoiled selfish little baby. [NC]: Unlike us! Bottom line: peer pressure always works. If someone doesn't do what you want, harass them until they do it. Christmas! So, as everyone tries to prepare for the party, a couple of cops, who should be on duty, pick their daughter up. All while partaking in what I can only call "seizure-inducing editing". [SPIKE]: Officer Fromheyer here. Yo read me? [NC]: Wow, if that doesn't give you a medical condition, I don't know what will. In fact, is it me, or is it repeating? Boy, if that really was repeating, that could really mess up your mind a little bit. Maybe even causing you to... pass out... [PAST NC]: Excellent! Now the Nostalgia Critic will be like the old days! Nothing but clips! Memes! And if there is time, an actual analysis of the movie! [MALCOLM]: You'll give us a more important role, right? [PAST NC]: Of course... [NC]: Why is it, whenever I wake up, I always have a 50/50 chance to be held against my will? OK, well, special closet storage edition! We see one plug somehow takes out an entire block, but it's turn right back on again. I'll alert you if this ever becomes relevant. As the cops are told to stall dropping off Blaire, because they're not ready for the party... so they fake a break-in going on again. Only to discover there really is a break-in going on. What are the goddamned chances? [OFFICER SALINO]: There he is. Police!
[BURGLAR]: Eat this! [NC AS BURGLAR]: I was talking to that ladybug on the ground, as I clearly didn't throw that anywhere near you! They eventually catch and arrest him. Yeah, guessing that was a fun ride home. As per obvious police protocol, they don''t take him to the police station... drive him instead to a suburban home, abandon him and go inside to enjoy the party... leaving him all alone in the car with the window open! Christ, is there a speed limit for how much stupid this move is doing? And get this: purposefully overlooked "Malcolm in the Middle" joke comes up to the criminal... and actually falls for the lie he's telling him. [BURGLAR]: I'm starving out here. I haven't eaten in seven days. [SPIKE]: Seven days?!
[BURGLAR]: Yeah. Any scraps I get, I give it to the kids. [NC]: You look about the age of... idiot. You believe anything I say, right? [SPIKE]: No funny business, right?
[BURGLAR]: Right. [SPIKE]: Swear? [BURGLAR]: On my kids' lives. [NC]: I mean, come on! If you can't trust a guy in the back of a police car, who can you trust? Thankfully, this doesn't interrupt the toast that our family is making. [NORA]: I-I just wanted to say, thank you. You really have shown us the true meaning of community. [NC]: Through your constant harassment, you came through after we gave exactly what you wanted. Cheers, assholes! But Allen is mad, because he didn't get to go on his trip. And also because this movie clearly doesn't know how to stop. Why is this still going?! [NORA]: Everyone out there sacrificed their Christmas Eve to help us. I thought maybe, that might affect you. Maybe? Have you started thinking about putting others first, instead of yourself? [NC]: Why can't you join the rest of the neighborhood, in their one selfish need? But Allen gets the idea to go to the neighbor, whose wife has cancer. [LUTHER]: How's Bev?
[WALT]: Oh, she's having a good day, yeah. Thanks, so... We started over to see Blair, but you know, snow started... [NC]: Yes, and it was a whole two more feet, so... Seeing how Allen and Curtis aren't using their tickets anymore, they decided to give it to the couple... allowing them go go on the trip instead of them. [LUTHER] This is a sincere, heartfelt Christmas offering. To two very selfless people. [NC]: Hmm, yeah. Should we look at those "selfless" moments again? [WALT]: Think you can run away from Christmas, huh? He's kind of weird. Isn't it old Scrooge again. Thought they would've made you a partner by now. What a jerk! [NC]: Real saint! [LUTHER]: I got airline tickets, I got cruise passes, I got a brochure... [NC]: Half of those you can't transfer over as everybody knows. But hey, is the last-minute thought that counts. [BEV]: But what about the cat? [LUTHER]: I'll take the cat. [WALT]: Are you sure? [NC]: Yes, because after stepping on it, hissing at it and freezing it nearly to death... I totally trust you to look after his well-being! By God! Remember the days when scenes had one or two dumb moments in it? This has got to be a Guiness record! But even still it's not over! As the burglar decides to rob the Kranks' house. As opposed to literally any other empty house on the block! No wonder you ever freaking got caught. And we finally find out who that guy was who Curtis invited to the party. [SANTA]: I told you you could use an umbrella. [LUTHER]: Wait a minute... You're the guy who was selling umbrellas in the rain?
[SANTA]: It's a living. Merry Christmas! [NC]: What a twist! An incredibly weak, tying in to absolutely nothing important, twist! And here it finally ends, thank God! I can't imagine, in the last few seconds, they possibly make this any dumber... OK, I can't imagine it possibly getting any dumber that in the last part... [SANTA]: Merry Christmas! [NC]: Merry Christmas to all! And I spiked all your eggnog! What the hell was that?! He was Santa... who dresses as Santa, because he doesn't look like Santa. And flies a Volkswagen... after selling umbrellas... For money... Santa sells umbrellas for money! But he has reindeer! We at least got that part eight about him. You know, seeing how we pretty much got every other conceivable thing about him wrong. But hey, at least Christmas with the Kranks set us straight! Proving once again that they have an unbelievable understanding of everything Christmas! It's so stupid, it's so stupid, it's so stupid, it's so stupid! I've got to have this exploding problem looked at. [PAST NC]: And that was my eight-minute review of "The Last Airbender". I'm sorry the wall was the wrong color... but hey, at least it's not as bad as a Bat-Credit Card! I'll kill you! I'll kill you!I'll kill you! [NC]: What the hell are you doing? [PAST NC]: I did it! I did a traditional Nostalgia Critic review, with no visuals, no cutaways... just me in front of a white wall! [NC]: What'd you do with Malcolm and Tamara?
[PAST NC]: Oh, I put them to good use. [NC]: OK, get the hell outta here! You're exactly like this movie. You think that never changing and just repeating the same traditions over and over is somehow what's most important. [PAST NC]: Well, I'm about to show you! I just posted this on the Internet... and I'm gonna prove that people like to see the exact same formula over and over! And soon you're going to have to change that wall to off white. Off white! [NC]: Yeah, well, I'm embarrassed you were ever a part of me. I'm gonna wrap up this review telling the world that. [PAST NC]: Aha! Here we go! Barely anybody is watching it. Nobody cares that this is like one of the old reviews. [NC]: Yeah. There you go, idiot.
[PAST NC]: And the comments... They're not positive at all. Gosh, it's like the majority of online comments are usually... negative. [TAMARA]: Look you're still pretty new to this, but there is a saying that most of us know. [MALCOLM]: Yeah, you never read the comments. [PAST NC]: But that's why I did it. To make them laugh. I figured, maybe if I can make them laugh... I can finally get them to like me. That's the whole reason I started doing this. [KID]: Hey loser, where's Patty Mayonnaise? [MAN ON PHONE]: Hey Spielberg, what's the name of your next movie? "Attack of the 50-foot Forehead"? [PAST NC]: I was thinking, maybe, if you weren't doing anything this Friday night, maybe we could hang out-- [GIRL]: You're gross! [PAST NC]: I just thought... this would change everything, you know... [NC]: We're not who we were. We change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. But we all change. Movies like this don't want us to change. They try to shame those who do things their own way. They act like the importance is in the details and not in the overall message. This is a horrible thing to change, especially when talking about Christmas. But we shouldn't be ashamed of our past. Not should we glorify it. It's like anything: there's positives and negatives. There's good moments in bad times, and bad moments in good times. Because of this, traditions can be hard to figure out, too. Sometimes we obsess over things, when we don't need to. Other times, we try something new, when we probably should have left "good enough" alone. But in between one foot in the past and one in the future, lies what matters most. The choices we make now are what always has and always will define who we are. So, this Christmas, when you remember to be kind and understanding of others... remember to be kind and understanding of yourself. And those moments you remember as being embarrassing, you may find are not only the most precious moments... but often the most important. And sometimes should be looked at with more appreciation than you think. We're always going to get angry at ourselves, but as long as you always try to learn and get better... you'll find it doesn't last that long. And trust me when I say... you're definitely worth the time. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. This movie can suck it. Don't touch me! You'll give me a seizure! [TAMARA]: Hey, you barely put us in the review! [NC]: Oh, yeah, he made that a lot better! [MALCOLM]: Hey, it's not easy being a table.
[NC]: It's not easy being unconscious! [TAMARA]: Do you know how hard it is to balance a camera on top of your head? [NC MOCKING]: Oh, good for you! (And now...) (Bloopers!) [NC]: Tamara! Pan left! Pan right! Dutch angle! White balance! [TAMARA]: OK, this is as white and as balanced as it gets! [NC]: You're fired! [TAMARA]: Fine. I'm not even mad. [WALT]: What a jerk!
