- Hello, hello everybody. (audience chuckling) Before I start, I just wanna
say to everyone up here, you're welcome. In no other place but
Hollywood could these 10 people make the kind of money they make and sleep with the kind
of people they sleep with. (audience cheering) (exciting music) - I would give an introduction,
but I don't need to. Ron Burgundy. (upbeat jazzy music) (audience cheering) (audience cheers continuing) - Listen, people, listen. Listen, I don't have a
lot of time, all right? I don't have a lot of time. I'm currently over at stage 24, hosting Spike TV's Your
Mother's a Fat Bitch Award Show. (audience laughing) Some real clever writing,
great energy over there. (audience laughing) Boy, have we got a great
gang of talented comics here tonight. We've got Tom Driesen. (audience laughing) Willie Tyler and Lester. (audience laughing) I didn't realize Lester
was a live human being. (audience laughing) (indistinct), Fannie Flagg, top notch. Star-studded evening. Listen, I'm just gonna cut to the chase. Justin Bye-ber. Justin Bieber? (audience laughing) You've been takin' it on the chin tonight. You really have. In fact, absolutely abused. (audience chuckling) And I'm just hear to say one thing: you people don't know what
the hell you're talkin' about. As far as I'm concerned,
this guy is doin' it right. Here's a couple things I know. September 1st, 2014, Bieber
arrested for a collision with a minivan in his hometown of Stratford, Ontario, Canada and then beat up the
occupant of the minivan. Nice work! (audience laughing) (audience applauding) October 18th, 2010, Bieber
accused of assaulting a 12-year-old at a laser tag arena. Kaboom! (audience laughing) I only wish the kid was a 9-year-old. (audience chuckling) March 28th, 2013, Bieber flies into Munich with his pet monkey, Malley. Doesn't have the proper paperwork. So he leaves it at a zoo, in Germany. It's a monkey. It's named Malley. Don't think twice, you
leave it at a German zoo. (audience laughing) March 4, 2013, two hours
late to a concert in Dubai because he refused to
stop playing a video game. Say what? (audience laughing) Hocked a loogie at his neighbor after the guy complained
that Bieber was driving 100 miles per hour in his
gated community neighborhood. Eat that, bitch! (audience laughing) July 10th, 2013, Bieber pees
in restaurant mop bucket. (audience chuckling) As he runs off, he sprays a
photograph of Bill Clinton with a bottle of blue liquid and yells, "(bleep) Bill Clinton!" (audience laughing) There's not a person in this
room who hasn't done that, you hypocritical assholes! (audience laughing) This kid has spunk, moxie,
and probably a few other STDs. (audience laughing) (Kevin clapping) I've always encouraged
people to stay classy, and what's more classy than hangin' out with Floyd Mayweather. (audience laughing) Would I love to see Biebs spending time with Oscar Pistorius? Of course I would, but that day will come. (audience laughing) People refer to Mr.
Bieber as a kid or a boy. Well, here's a newsflash, gang. He's a man. A full-grown man. Who works, and loves, and
makes things with his hands. A man who sings songs for 9-year-olds and cuts his hair like
a gay figure skater. (audience laughing) This guy just continues to impress. Is there anything he can't do? In fact, I've pulled my pants down and took a big creamy shit
in the green room because (audience laughing) I thought to myself, "That's
how the Biebs would do it." Again, and again, and again. (audience laughing) If anything, Justin Bieber,
not only do you need to continue to live your life
with the same reckless abandon, I suggest you turn up the heat. (audience laughing) Oh, and one last thing. If you're watching from
your monkey cage in Germany, (audience laughing) go to bed, Malley. Good night. (audience cheering) (upbeat jazzy music) - You know, Jeff, a lot of your friends wanted to be here, but couldn't make it. Fortunately, we were
able to send a video crew down to a very special friend, someone who is very close
to our guest of honor. Please welcome Jeff Foxworthy's cow. (audience chuckling) (audience cheering) - [Cow] I'm the most important
cow Jeff Foxworthy has. Bill Engvall's cow has to suck my dick. (pig playing drum sting) (audience chuckling) I got a pig for a drummer because they're one of
the smartest mammals, just below the dolphin, and just above Larry the Cable Guy. (pig playing drum sting) (audience laughing) Jeff is an original thinker. For instance, most people use
their hands to milk a cow. Not Jeff. He uses his mouth, so that his hands are
free to play with my ass. (pig squealing)
(audience laughing) Come on! I've got E Coli cells on my teats that are funnier than this guy. (cymbal ringing)
(audience laughing) Have you seen Jeff's act? My shit is funnier, darker,
and better constructed. (cow grunting) (dung plopping) (audience laughing) Here's a piece of shit I think I can get a
development deal for at the WB. (audience laughing) - [Announcer] Please welcome
a very special guest. (surf rock presidential theme music) (audience applauding) (audience laughing) (audience laughing) - Thank you very much, I
appreciate that introduction. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) Thank you, thank you. It's an honor to be here tonight. It's always good to be in Manhattan. (audience chuckling) Manhattan, as I understand, is an island. (audience chuckling) An island entirely surrounded by water. (audience laughing) I wanna thank Commie Central for... (audience laughing) for allowing me this opportunity to be at the Jeff Foxworthy roast. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) I like Jeff. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) He's my favorite comedian. (George chuckling) (audience laughing) I like his jokes. They're simple. Jeff is a simple man. He's a simple man, but he is a smart man. Now, he doesn't like to show
it, 'cause when he does, people start talkin' to him real fast. (audience laughing) I understand that, I identify. I know a lot of folks talk about me. (audience chuckling) A lot of people say I'm not the brightest
bulb in the knife drawer. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I've followed Jeff's career. He was destined to be a comedian. His grandfather was funny,
his father was funny, Jeff's funny. Tree don't fall far from the nuts. (audience laughing) Jeff and I have something in common. As I look around the room, I can see that he surrounds himself with
a lot successful people. (audience chuckling) Now, I've done the same. My cabinet is filled with
sterling men and women. I've got Secretary of Defense
Donald Rumplestiltskin. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I'm also proud of my vice
president, Dick Cheney. I appreciate 'im, I, uh... (audience laughing) I just wish I knew where he was. (audience laughing) I never know where ol' Cheney is. There's days I'm sittin'
in the Oval Office, just walk out into the
hallway and go, "Marco!" (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I care about this country. I care about the people of this country. I care about our senior citizens. (audience laughing) Lemme tell you somethin'. Older citizens face the highest risk of death in this country. (audience laughing) Seniors die every day. (audience chuckling) I care about our economy. I'm asked every day, "Mr.
President, what about our deficit? What about our mounting deficit? What're you gonna do?" And I understand these consherns. (audience chuckling) And I share these consherns. (audience chuckling) And that is why today, I
have put before Congresh (audience laughing) a proposal to sell Canada. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) Finally, let me say this. Everybody else tonight's
been, uh, rippin' on ya. (audience laughing) I wanna say a word of encouragement. I appreciate Jeff Foxworthy,
I appreciate his, uh, I appreciate his good family values. (audience chuckling) I appreciate the fact that
he's not only a family man, but he's a religious man. He doesn't flaunt it. But Jeff is an example that religion doesn't have to divide us. It doesn't have to tear us apart. It can bring us together,
just like this here. Looky here, here's a visual, looky here. (audience laughing) Looky here. You see here? Look here. See there's the church. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) And there's the steeple. Open the door and look at all the people. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) Thank you. God bless you Jeff, God bless you all, and God bless America, thank
you very much, thank you! (audience cheering) (surf rock presidential theme music) - We're very lucky to
have our next roaster. He's a legend. The executive who brought "Full House" to network television, Saul Schwartz. (audience cheering) (swinging jazz music) - I remember the day
that, uh, they came to me with the "Full House" pitch. It was the last day my
assistant Jacquelyn blew me, I remember it clearly. (audience chuckling) And in walked in the "Full House" people. And they pitched their little show, their dream show, their classic. And I said, "It's a yes,
but I want it to star three shmucks I've never heard of, 'cause I wanna prove that
time slot is everything." (audience laughing) Let me tell you something, John Stamos. You are the most talented actor that I have ever come across. You are wonderful, you're
delightful, you're a dream. You're fantastic, no one has
ever touched your talent. It is remarkable. You are the best performer
I have ever seen. My balls are clapping. (audience laughing) You are truly God's
favorite actor, John Stamos. (audience cheering) Oh, by the way, I've already
read tomorrow's Variety, I get it early. You've been replaced on
"ER" by Jerry O'Connell. (audience groaning) It's true. (audience chuckling) Let's talk about a true mensch, my pride and joy who I discovered
25 years ago, Bob Saget. (audience cheering) Yes. I think you're more
than just the sitcom dad or the guy who hosts that video show. You're really one of the
shittiest comics I've ever seen. (audience laughing)
(Bob laughing) The other day I, after all these years I've never met the Olsen twins,
he introduced me to them. I said to him, "How do I tell them apart?" He says, "Ashley swallows." (audience groaning)
(audience cheering) What's my character's name again? Saul Schwartz. Bob, he called him "Sole." John Stamos is so not Jewish. "Please welcome Sole Schwartz." (audience chuckling) The truth is, Bob, we've worked together for many, many years, and I'm starting to think
I have Alzheimers' because I can't remember a single
funny thing you ever said. (audience chuckling) All right, I'm not fuckin' around. I said to them before the show, I said, "I wanna say
something nice about him now," and I swear on the screen
it says, "Sincere moment." (audience laughing) (Jeff laughing) (audience applauding) What a sincere moment! No, what I wanna say to
you is we never hang out. I'd like to. (audience laughing) We, uh, we see each other, we're always happy to see each other. I've always liked you. And I remember when we
first met, you asked me if I knew how dry my
grandmother's vagina was. That was first thing- - Really? - [Jeff] I was opening
for you in the '80s, and that's the first you said to me and I knew that I liked
you from that moment on. (audience laughing) Isn't that fantastic? Have you ever met somebody, "Hey, do you know how dry
your grandmother's vagina is?" That's fucking great. You know he's a great person. (audience laughing) But I think the world of you, and for me, it was an
honor to be here tonight. Thanks. (audience cheering) (upbeat music) - We are very excited, and
I'm just gonna say it, honored to introduce our next roaster. He's responsible not just for my career but for every single person's
career in this entire room. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the President of Hollywood. (audience cheering) (upbeat jazz music) - Hello everybody, hello, hello everybody. (audience chuckling) Before I start, I just wanna
say to everyone up here, you're welcome. (audience chuckling) In no other place but
Hollywood could these 10 people make the kind of money they make and sleep with the kind
of people they sleep with. (audience chuckling) Seth Rogen. You're welcome, you hairy Canuck. (audience laughing) I, Hollywood, made the world accept you. I put you on a movie poster
and I said, "Deal with it." (audience laughing) And then I put Barbra
Streisand on that poster and the world said, "No." (audience laughing) "The Guilt Trip." Listen, if I wanted to watch two ugly Jews weaving through traffic, I'd watch Seinfeld's web series. (audience laughing) And Jonah, I'm assuming
you're here because Seth is? (audience chuckling) People call me all the time and they say, "Hollywood, do we really
need two of these guys?" (audience chuckling) But I own you, Jonah, I fuckin' own you. If I tried to buy you on iTunes, it would say, "Are you
sure you wanna purchase? Because you already own this fuck." (audience laughing) Andy Samboygh. (audience laughing) The correct pronunciation. (audience chuckling) A-shan-boygh. Looking forward to your new
show "Brooklyn Nine-Nine." Funny cops. You're always pushing the envelope, Andy. (audience laughing) What's gonna happen when
you run out of funny crimes like graffiti and pickpockets? Can't wait to see episode 10 when "Brooklyn Nine-Nine"
has to deal with a rape. (audience laughing) "Uh, I dropped the rape
kit! Shmorgy-dorg!" (audience laughing) Yeah, that's gonna be fun. Aziz, you're welcome. Aziz, I admire how you've never taken the
stereotypical Indian roles. And I just wanna tell you that if you did, you would make so much more money. (audience laughing) If you came out here right now with crossed eyes playing a sitar, I would fall on my ass laughing. (audience laughing) But still, what an actor. Such phenomenal range. (audience chuckling) You're like the Daniel Day
Lewis of only doing one thing. (audience laughing) (upbeat funky music)
