Crack Addict interview-Savannah

all right savannah savannah where'd you grow up where are you from originally i'm from uh north carolina winston-salem winston-salem and tell me about your family growing up you had mom and dad yeah um my mom and my dad they met in a.a and really because of the rooms i'm here they even got married in a rehab i was the flower girl um yeah they were my dad was addicted to crack cocaine and my mom was addicted to opiates pills how would you describe your childhood um my childhood would be i would say unsheltered i got a realistic view of the world i think but i also my parents tried you know they tried to get help even even though they would fall again and again they tried and i appreciate them for that and they loved me tried to protect me as best as they could but um it was hard it was very we didn't have the most money and we were scraping for change all the time you know moving from here to here dad in and out of jail mom you know had a kind of was forced to get it together um breadwinner dad would pawn everything on christmas you know wake up everything gone mom would have to go buy it all back kind of deal you made it through high school i did make it through high school what kind of kid were you in high school um i was a very not present uh person in high school i i missed a lot of classes and a lot of stuff um most of the times i was either drunk or high you know running away a lot i ran away from my problems with all the drugs that were in your family at a young age were you was there any abuse or anything um there was no um no sexual abuse from my family or anything like that that i experienced nothing like that for my family and after after school you went where after school um after high school yeah through high school after high school i after high school my father i got a phone call that my dad had um od'd that they had found him dead [Music] and i i kind of went off the rails i got really into cocaine and crystal meth um i met a man who i felt you know stupid and fell in love with and his brother ended up pimping me out later on in a crack house in kingston so um that's what happened and um you know i i uh nobody would tell me what to do you know nobody everybody had like left and i couldn't blame them my mom i remember calling my mom and asking her please please tell me like for once i really want to hear what you have to say and and your guidance and she told me i can't make that decision for you so um i made a phone call and they i'd never flown anywhere and they flew me out to california i had to get a friend of mine to sneak and meet me somewhere to pick me up so the brother wouldn't find out and you came out here for what reason um i came out here for treatment i came out here for rehab and when i came out here i managed to almost have three years [Music] you know when i came out here i had no financial support whatsoever from anyone i didn't know anyone out here i was scared i was really scared i'm from a very small town and this is a really big city but my mom my mom had financially like you know she was dependent on me at that point and she came out here and i started working you know immediately at 19 and in treatment and substance abuse you know and i was working so much so much and not making it um i wasn't making it i was she was living with me we were living in the same bed um i was so in debt didn't have i was struggling really bad i was really depressed and i told myself of an easy and fast way to make some money and um i'm really ashamed of that like i put myself back out there but you know i'm not ashamed either because i did what i felt like i needed to do for me and my mother it might have so i did i started um working as started getting back into prostitution and when i did that i would come home and i'd make sure you know the bills would be paid and extra money in the pocket mom would have her food and her cigarettes and everything would be cool but i would be in the bathtub scrubbing my skin off with bleach you know like um and i was doing it sober at first and i couldn't do that so for long and one one of the guys that i had a date with he offered me some coke or some crystal and it was off to the races again i tried to keep it under wraps and try to control it and i couldn't and i lost everything lost everything became homeless again i was sleeping on friends couches here and there and i started shooting which i really regret i regret doing that math yeah yeah math yeah um that is a sensation like i pray nobody feels because it's really hard to shake um i went into psychosis i had eight psychotic breaks um ambulance police were caught on me multiple times i i was drugged i was given something else other than crystal by this by this girl i met who um was trying to i think get me down to tijuana um she kept trying to pay my friend and heroin to get me down there to convince me to go with her and her friend had shoved a bunch of drugs up inside me luckily like you know i freaked them out and you know they got out but it was very it was really scary um it was a scary experience for me and in yeah i finally decided i was like okay i'm gonna try again i'm gonna try to get sober again you know and do that and you know i had actually gotten everything back like even ten times more i was working a wonderful job that could turn into a career i had a car finally after years of not having one out here and taking the bus for four or five hours you know every day to and from work um and i mean i was i was happy i felt like i mean everything was going right everything everything was going perfect and then one day i just walk off my job i walk off my job to go pick up crystal which they didn't have i got [ __ ] on and then i got crack for the first time and i fell in love with that um and ever since then you know i i haven't been able to stop honestly i haven't wanted to stop um even though i know that the pain relief is only temporary it's if i i feel like i i i don't want to feel that pain anymore um the pain that you're trying to hide from is what um i i've been having a lot of um well one my dad's death has really really affected me um have been so responsible for my mother and doing it all on my own and it's worn on me um and when i was 18 um four got four guys held me down um and raped me um and then i mean when you work in prostitution i mean you're gonna get prostitutes do you get raped it happens um you know it's it's it's hard and i didn't i didn't realize how much it had really affected me you kind of get like this dissociation or something and but i started getting really angry angry at men and you know i wouldn't make a lot of money because i just you know i'd hate them surely hate it um it was hard um and i think that's like the biggest thing i've kind of come into terms with now is just i'm just really angry and i don't really feel anything but anger um i don't know it's just uh it's been tough it's been really hard and everyone around me i mean i have certain people you know i have people in my life that love me and and want to see me you know back where i was or in a better place but i don't think they understand like i kind of find peace down here you know it's um non-judgmental but at the same time it is very scary and it can be like i have to keep a lock on my tent and like you know i've woken up with bruises and and a lot of them don't like being told no or you know somebody some of them can flip in the switch i mean people are using drugs i mean drugs escalate i mean it's just it can be very dangerous i've had my [ __ ] stolen so many times being a white woman on skid row yeah very very difficult it's been tough like i once i got out here um i'd go blocks down to like go pick up and and they would know me and i'd be like how do you guys know me you know um i have like about 30 to 50 cars stopping me a day even when i'm sitting in my tent even when the tents close they come up to the tent i mean i guess someone told them um it's exhausting uh you've been on skid row for a whole lot i've been on skid row for i would say it's been like two two and a half months three maybe my time is not the greatest i don't even know what day it is to be honest with you um but yeah you're still entertaining men for money um yeah but i i go i try to go to people that i've used in the past regulars and and men that have a lot of money um that i can hustle um kind of like projects honestly um now but if i need a hit though and i don't have one hell yeah i'll get in your car that's just the truth i mean you know if i'm in need if i'm hungry like whatever the case is like that's a way to make a quick thought yeah tell me about hustling a a wealthy man um what does that look like it it can and for me it's like almost like payback it's almost a payback um hustling sometimes you have a partner sometimes you have like a man partner who helps you you know in hustling or keeping you protected um sometimes you it's just really an art of okay they want it's not about excuse my language it's not about you know having sex with them it's about like [ __ ] their mind up you know really getting that mind before anything else and just i mean you make them feel comfortable you know make them feel comfortable make them feel loved listen to them hear them you know and each one's different each one wants something different you have to be kind of a chameleon you got to change with it you got to be able to kind of be a mirage and whatever be able to tell what that person wants and do it right you know be able to give that to them and just you know for me i like honest work so like as long as they everything stays the same and they're honest about what they want i'm honest about what i want it's a fair number you know um and everyone's respectful cool i'm all right with that but if they step over the line in any way i'm totally gonna hustle them i'm definitely going to get all of it um you know and i don't really feel bad for that i don't um as far as the ones that have hurt me do you have a story you can share yeah i'll share one um so it's gonna be funny if he sees this later on but so currently um i've been hustling this guy for like the past three months um originally when we met it was going to be an exchange like i i told him from the get-go like you know i'm a ho like you know i don't do feelings or anything but i do product you know product money you know needs some help here there whatever um i haven't touched him or let him touch me in two months and he still pays for everything he pays for everything he buys my drugs buys my buys with me whatever i want clothes um you know i he leaves his stuff open leaves me in his house by myself i go through his [ __ ] take more money um he's in love and i'm not i'm in love with his i'm in love with his wallet i'm in love with his means that helped me currently um i have no emotions on drugs really so i just don't care he sat and cried and sobbed in front of me and told me you know about how much he loves me and all this [ __ ] and i just don't give a [ __ ] honestly i told him from the get-go now it would be different if i had like done a bunch of [ __ ] but i told him i was honest up front didn't listen which makes him love you more probably yeah um so you know and you know i've even like what's crazy is like you know i've called this guy all types of names i've humiliated him i've done a lot of [ __ ] up [ __ ] to him because i'm angry at men right now and and he's kind of controlling he tries to be but i don't think he realizes he can't really control me so especially on drugs um he in fact liked me doing drugs because of you know sexual heightensies so now i can't tame it now i can't control it it's out of his hands um but he doesn't leave so like that's one of them that's one hustle and there's been many more you know it just depends it just depends a nice guy i won't do that too but a guy that pisses me off absolutely holiday i'm 22. you're 22. oh my god you're so seasoned for a young girl yeah well my parents were older when they had me and i grew up with my grandparents son too i did i will say that um i i do appreciate that my parents didn't just have a bunch of money and throw throw throw me to a nanny or something like that i'm really happy that um even though they were strung out and even though all that [ __ ] happened um they did try to teach me they just teach me and they tell me well about respect and loyalty morals a code you go by um god um what do you think made you so angry at men the fact that they made me realize that i am not invincible that i'm not bulletproof and that they took something from me without having the right to take it um do you think your work as a sex worker has created that that's where they came from um no well when i was uh that happened originally when i was um sex trafficking in north carolina because that was unwillingly now a lot of times so what happened to north carolina that got you into this um the brother of uh the guy i was seen when i was 18 um he had oh he's one who kind of got you into it yeah you feel like you were yeah no and then that's when the rape happened so um when that happened i didn't realize how much and a lot of times women that have gone through that or have been into some type of sex trafficking or sex work a lot of times they will return to it um they will um i don't know why it's weird it's like it's weird in how ways it affects you but i don't know i feel like each year or each time i relapse or end up running back to chaos i feel a little like my heart's a little bit colder each time my heart used to be like really really warm and it still is it still is i wish it wasn't sometimes but this time i feel a lot colder than any time before so i don't know i feel like uh i don't know if this is a valley or a pit i've fallen into or i'm sure there's a lesson um in the midst um but i'm just gonna take it a day at a time i guess living on skid row and addicted to crack and and doing sex work puts you in a dark place there's no way around that yeah no it definitely it definitely does um and i think like after it does but at the same time you know i find it very beautiful and i'll say this um i love waking up in the morning and smiling at everyone and like seeing these beautiful people down here smile back and how a lot of them they're not greedy and a lot of them are here to help you i i mean since i've been down here i'm young and i'm you know you know i'm kind of a target and um i've had so many women and people look and manny to look out for me just as much as the ones that are kind of after me too and i really appreciate that yeah so i mean there is i i still have faith in humanity and that's one thing i do love about down here you know it might get scary at night but in the morning it's always beautiful yeah it's a very different place at night than it is during the day do you have any friends i do i do i have um friends down here um friends who have become like family to me um i'm very grateful for them um because it does it can get really lonely sometimes like when i'm in the tent and i'm just in there i'm just sometimes it gets lonely what do you what's your biggest fear my biggest fear is my biggest fear is losing my mom my mom actually had a procedure this morning that i was supposed to take her to or i was supposed to help her with but instead i sat in the car all night smoking crap and i feel like [ __ ] because of it but at the same time i can't stop i just hope she's okay that's the correct behavior that gets its reputation as being so scandalous yeah yeah you i'm sure you wanted to be there your intention your intention was to be there and that's the crazy part about it is like you know my everything feels robotic it feels like like something takes over you know it's it's like i can mean everything in me every fiber in me that i'm going that i'm going to be there i've told her over and over you know i promise you i will not miss this i knew how scared she was for it and i just sat and i sat and i sat and i looked for crack and i searched the floorboards and i you know i just couldn't get it together i couldn't it scared me being away from here because i knew i'd have a harder time finding it and i didn't know how i was going to deal with my mom being going through that your parents were in love with each other my mom and my dad were soul mates as my mom says honestly when they were sober together oh my god it was beautiful um they were like big kids you know um they were oh it was he my dad was so respectful um and so funny i mean he could make anyone laugh um and my mom i mean she's just like this such a peaceful you know go with the flow type of type of person but she's also very strong you know and my dad was he was just the greatest guy you'd ever meet i mean just anyone's best friend he could be best friends with anyone uh when they were sober they were amazing um when they weren't you know that's when sometimes i believe god sends angels down to earth and then sometimes we those angels can turn into monsters and god has to take them back and turn them into angels again i think that's what happened to my dad i've i never thought i'd be scared of my hero you know i never thought i'd be scared of daddy um but he got violent towards the end and i ended up in foster care for a year because my mom had become suicidal at that point and it was unsafe for me to be in either household um and then you know once i was 18 i mean it was off and i was running you know i was i was staying at friends houses i i just i was going anywhere i could but most the time i was getting kicked out because i could never i could not follow rules for [ __ ] like i just can't you know i'm really i don't have a control problem with others wanting to control others but i definitely want to be in control of myself i watched my mom get controlled for like 13 years being married to my stepfather and she was so depressed miserable i said that never be me so maybe that's why i buck so much maybe that's why i fight the man so much my dad also taught me like when i was younger he said never be scared of a man and i got scared of them and now i'm taking it back so what's your biggest regret my biggest regret would be not getting not getting to not getting to see my dad before he died not getting to hold him or you know not being able to i waited so long so no one could you know keep him away from me you know like you know we could finally be together and you know i always had hope for my dad i always thought he'd get better i really did and to have hope and faith and fearlessness like that and then and wake up one morning and one phone call just takes it all away it was awful feeling that would be my biggest regret that and that and and putting myself out there um when i was sober uh doing this sex work and stuff again i wish i wouldn't have done it because it caused me a lot of pain like a lot of it it caused myself a lot of pain have you been in love before huh have you been in love before yeah most definitely um i've definitely been in love before um and you know i mean it's like it's like that kid that doesn't want to go to prom you know because they're afraid they're gonna embarrass themselves or whatever but you know they have to take that risk because they all miss out on the dance that's what my mom always says like that garth brooks song or some [ __ ] you know she's real southern where do you see your life going from here you're still young but um what do you what do you think where do you think you'll be in three five years well honestly part of the reason why i haven't wanted to get help or get sober is because i feel like i'm in the same pattern my dad was and i just don't see the point if it's going to happen eventually but i figure in three to five years either i will be either i will be [Music] i really wanted to become a paralegal um i really wanted to become i really wanted to work for the i had like big dreams and [ __ ] of like wanting to go and work for the innocence project and you know change things about the department of corrections and department of justice fight racism because it was very it's still very heavily present especially down south and i've always had a passion about that or in three to five years i could be maybe i'll be with my dad i don't know we'll see what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in your life um the most important lesson that i have learned is forgiveness to be able to forgive myself to be able to forgive others to let go you know i think people will get really you know a lot of my friends you know they're very like worked up and and stressed out about so many things and i just i let it go um not to have hatred hold power i don't hate people you know i mean well [ __ ] man i just said i ain't mad but you know just like i don't know like i just no matter how cold my heart might feel like it's getting there's always a warm spot still and i just hope that warm spot can grow a little bit bigger and bigger um because i do like the person who i was and hopefully i can get back to her one day but right now yeah this is what i got this is who i am who i got like kind of jekyll and hyde situation the only thing that can save me from this would be god i would believe i think that's that's all i can hope for i mean that's where i find the most peace and understanding sometimes i don't get any understanding from him but you know i think he gets me i think he understands us you know it's really funny i mean like most of the important characters you know main people in the bible rahab reyap was a harlot you know mary magdalene you know come on david he was an adulterer you know he lusted i mean man there's so many so many things and i like stuff like that i like that because god he hung out with these people he ate with these people you know he accepted these people i mean you know he might have not accepted their behaviors in their things that he did but he understood he understood and he gave grace and mercy and i love him for that i just try to keep it real with god as much as possible i know he already knows what i'm thinking so he's probably shaking his head at me all right samantha thank you so much for sharing your story absolutely i wish you the best of luck thank you thank you you

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Length: 33min 37sec (2017 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 06 2021