Family Guy try not to laugh (part 1)

I faked my own death once no dentist appointment for this day Oh everybody hello colonel tushfinger I just built a spaceship want to come up in space with me in it whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa cut cut cut Cleveland what are you doing I just figured I'd give colonel tushfinger an Australian thing colonel tushfinger lives on the moon you idiot he talks with a moon accent you know he talks like this we're game moon accent you understand i am colonel tushfinger and i live on the moon so I talk like this with a moon accent do that okay my great uncle wears a ski hat all the time Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln and then monkey rabbi hey where's the monkey rabbi here's your Torah you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00 check in with Shirley you're gonna need me this week ah maybe maybe Friday now where are the gays over here no no the really cartoony gays yoo-hoo there you are we're gonna need you guys all week a palette and I am I reading this right you need a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels where the hell am I supposed to what is this a drum of grape jam is it what is it is that like a drum like Bishop oilin is it well look at this one a disc of cheese it's a disc where are you getting these units of measurement from maybe that is still funny okay you stay right here big funny gal I'll be right back with a hammock of cake okay four pizzas and a salad salad how do you make a salad first you throw in the whole head of lettuce even the Hadid white part at the bottom that's what the people want now what else I got a can of whole black olives should I slice them up what are you crazy no you keep them whole you're gonna want to know you've got an olive in your mouth what about this tomato cut it into thirds it should be big enough to pretend you've got red teeth how about this carrot should I cut it up yes but very thin lengthwise the whole length of the carrot one thin slice okay what else do we got well we got these hot but you can't really eat them no problem dump them all in now shall we put it in a bowl no let's put it in a lasagna tray okay great I'll take it oh and make sure to stick it right on top of the pizza so it stays nice and warm hello every pizza place Wow dad you're up early yep it's a mustache kind of morning Chris I watched the Sun Rise in my jeans jeans shirt and jean jacket guy's mustache culture is pretty cool you betcha said I'm gonna make you some hash browns for breakfast and then later I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse to lose your virginity would you like that would I okay I'm expecting a very important delivery at the house so could you please call me if it arrives I'll give you my cell number okay yes no problem give me number okay four oh one five five five one one two five oh four zero four four zero no no I was just repeating the four one four one four all right let's start over four zero one four zero zero one one four zero one yes five five five five five five that was painless okay one one two five one one two five there you go you got it one five five what your sale one one two five one five five not one one and two fives two ones two one one one two five oh my god okay how many one I'm not giving you quantities of the numbers I'm giving you the numbers one one two five those are the last four numbers okay one one one one one two two five five oh I see one one two five yes one one two five all right now read the number back to me let me get my pen well you'll always be a big shot in this family sweetheart thanks honey I got a little surprise for you in that contract you signed you got to keep the corporate plane huh Peter how are you doing that I don't know Lois I'm scared come down I can't get help call somebody who do I call I don't know a police fire that's a scientist call a scientist okay you can stay here with your father I'm gonna go find a scientist am I gonna die you think he's dead I don't know hey hey buddy what's his name something Spanish yeah I think it starts with a G the Gert got goo goo goo goo guard oh good yeah that's it goo guard oh that doesn't sound like any name well sure it does go guard oh say something if you're okay go guard oh the more you say it the more it doesn't sound like anything go guard Oh move something if you're alive go guard oh oh my god oh look there's his jacket oh yeah his name was Frank Brian look what I won Wow what'd you win that for for having the best pig in the competition where you bred a pig sure did most genetically perfect one in the contest oink oh my god yes he's something isn't he are those fists damn right show him Pig [Music] okay Peter this is for the win say the word what Wow okay really separates our men from the boys PETA just say what no Louis Louis this is not a race okay I want to say Who fantastic four fantastic for a steak steak steak steak small amount of peas is it what that's five you went PETA you did it god this is such an East Coast pharmacy how we gonna find gauze and bandages in the middle of all this crap I think he keeps them next to the thousand-piece puzzle of a lobster trap I don't see it you mean next to the Kadima paddles or next to the basic black sweatshirt with no writing on it no I think they're over there between the rain ponchos and the cap guns and just below the balsa wood gliders and the net bag of flip-flops and a beach pail above the set of jacks yes above the jacks and the Bicentennial playing cards and across from the giant cage with the beach balls next to the wiffle ball bats and the sparks spitting cars I don't Oh next to the wax bottles of weird juice yes behind the plastic bag of Mexican soldiers from the Alamo and the super elastic bubble plastic oh yeah or anyone else you do it with we promise not to tell like that new hot chick at work you know the one who always has high beams under a rib like cotton t-shirt but then stares daggers at you for checking her out and it's like why do you wear that if you don't want attention but you know you shouldn't think that way because of the sexual harassment meaning you all had to go to seriously how lame was that and you couldn't help but notice that the female lawyer running the seminar had a huge rack like ridiculously huge for someone who has to talk about that kind of stuff well I guess that's the definition of the word well that's it three days wasted looking through 200,000 lottery tickets those weren't the lottery tickets that was a test these are the lottery tickets is this another test yes these aren't the real lottery tickets Evie these are the real lottery tickets so in addition to buying 200,000 lottery tickets you had 400,000 fake ones printed up I had to be sure I rode into town on an ass yo mama's ass damn it you guys are ruining Thanksgiving and it's my second favorite holiday right after pretend not to notice people's race day hey you seen Reggie around which one is Reggie Oh today he's wearing yellow pants yellow shirt yellow hat yellow shoes he's got a gold tooth diamond earring he's got that big necklace with a dollar sign on it it's always grabbing his crotch when he's telling a story like the one about when he found out his mother is really his grandmother could you be more specific uh oh let's see he always wears cheap cologne it drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown on the dashboard never pays his alimony he's extremely cut for a guy who never works out up Darius thanks anyway hey Reggie and look at this couch somebody throw out a whole couch and it's in great shape yeah you put a little Febreze on that scrub it out a little bit look great in your apartment you know what I know we have a dangerous job to do here but I'm taking this I'm taking this couch are you ready all right one two three stop stop stop stop stop no no no no twist it I am dope no no no no otherwise wrong way what do you want me to do just look down all right just just look look look at me look what I'm doing all right see the way I'm twisting it yeah I turn it that way from your end okay okay just your hey just put it up put it down put it down just drop it all right all right all right let's just hang on to figure this out it was all over the place shouldn't we be getting out of here all right okay all right okay I got I know okay okay all right you wait here's we're gonna do when you take the cushions off unscrew the legs take the mattress out and this whole thing's gonna be a lot simpler it's easier than we're making it all right twist it counterclockwise I am twisting it you're twisting it the other way I mean counterclockwise from where I'm standing so so that so then you so it's a clockwise so yeah okay yes yes sir you twist it clockwise and okay okay put it down put it down for a second my fingers are killing me huh and they're shooting at us all right you know what lift it up tall ways okay for Christ oh it's wedged it's wedged all right okay all right you know it's not going anywhere let's just take off we'll deal with it later all right you get in the cockpit and I'll just I'll hang on to this thing as we go [Music] oh I see oh you're all here because you heard the news well fine Peter Griffin crapped himself at work happy Peter no no Lois let's get it all out I'm sure you also heard that someone walked into my office while I was sucking on my own toes and do I go fast walking in nurses shoes every Saturday in the park yes I do Peter we're not here because of any of that okay I know what this is about somebody saw me holding hands with a guy at Quiznos this morning all right and was i involved in the Oklahoma City bombing a little bit no Peter you're not getting it okay we'll go deeper yeah I was swindled by that cat who said he was from the future turns out he was just a present-day cat with a smooth sales pitch dad you don't understand oh I understand I understand I've made hundreds of deadly enemies by shouting racial taunts up at the jailhouse windows oh and another thing raise your hand if you think Ducks are magic and up it goes Peter's the only one Peter that's not why they're here and no none of us heard about you soiling yourself at work 9/11 was bad 9/11 9/11 if I believe in Jesus hard enough I will not die if I believe in snake Jesus hard enough he will die if I believe in tree Jesus hard enough both of them will die hey Thank You tree Jesus all right class today as a special treat I'm going to show you this fascinating episode of Nova that I taped at home for you you're coming back to bed Rob uh hang on honey hang on my jaw keeps locking up ah well that's not Nova at all is it that's a sex tape I made with my wife of course nobody here is interested in seeing that sort of thing are they probably not no okay oh you kind of look like you were nodding no okay okay we should get back to work [Music] [Music] all right this is serious topic quick Ragnar give me your iPod dad um oh they got tuckered out

Channel: Peter Griffin

Views: 11,554,339

Keywords: family guy, family guy funny moments, family guy compilation

Id: 8XU9nMBPI9I

Length: 14min 0sec (840 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 07 2020