Everything You Need To Know About Marriage In One Lecture

like to take a moment to thank some of the sponsors for tonight's event thank you for making this possible Jeff and Laurie Golson Paul and Sandra Katz dr. les and Roberto Rosenthal Ron is Sandra's tackler and Martin and joy Teitelbaum and last but not least mikvah USA an organization to promote the mitzvah family purity and mikvah if you need more information there is a beautiful mixer right here in the community and you can call up Chabad tomorrow and one of the rabbit's ins or the rabbi's will be happy to give you a grand tour of the mikvah and encourage you to make good use of our beautiful the art make film I'm sure many uh rabbi brisk easy male incidentally he's out of town that's why he's not at the microphone tonight you probably saw his nostalgic email about 1984 the very first lecture ever to take place at what was then known as the Westlake Plaza Hotel now known as the Westlake Hyatt Hotel it had just opened up and we were the first people to sponsor a lecture there and the very first lecturer was rabbi manis Friedman do you remember that there's been about 20,000 lectures since then the title that night was being Jewish in a Gentile world it was the first of a three-part series was rabbi Gordon Oliver Shalom and dr. Landis and I really set the tone not just for the adult lecture series then what prevent evolved into the canal Jewish Academy Adult Education Institute where you are sitting tonight at the time I was not yet working for Kabbalah the Kanawa I was a student in Los Angeles was friendly as rabbi risky and I had access to recording equipment and high-speed cassette tape duplicators if anybody in the room knows what the cassette tape is and he asked me to come out to record the lecture and to copy it so they would be available for purchase after we still have copies upstairs and there was a fascinating fascinating lecture some incredibly inspirational stories at night and thoughts and like I said really set the tone for became an annual event rabbi Friedman is a very sought-after speaker world renowned he is authored several books the most recent that came out just two weeks ago which is for sale in the lobby and he will be happy to sign it for you as well one of the lesser-known things about gravimon is Friedman is that in the days when the lubavitcher rebbe you would speak publicly and that would go on or what's called for Brennan's gatherings where there ever would speak for four or five hours at a time now by Friedman was the simultaneous translator of the Rebbe his words and just to give you a little inkling into what that entails the Rebbe did not give out his speeches in advance well like the United Nations where they give you the script he got time to look it over so in order to be able to focus on what the rebel was saying and there ever was all over the place he was all over Torah all over Tom went all over Kabbalah you never knew what was gonna come out what verse he was going to quote and how he was gonna put it all together you had to be an absolute genius to be able to sit there to listen and to translate some of the Yiddish in English simultaneously and that was the job that rabbi Friedman I had and that are pretty good Javed and I must say it's an honor to have him here tonight as I said he's been here many times in the kaneohe also has a song about Ellie Friedman who's the rabbi Habad of Calabasas and he's lectured there as well and Rahway Friedman also has a nephew who lives right here in our community rabbi Mindy Friedman also obviously my son-in-law who's also not here tonight because he is in New York with 27 teenagers from the Kanawha Valley part of the annual see teen International Shabbat talk that brings together over 2000 teens from all over the world quite literally Jewish teenagers from Nigeria Austria and other places that you would never believe have see teen groups I'm mentioning this because if you happen to have teens in your life or you know someone who has teens or you have grandchildren who are teenagers especially in today's day and age when there is so much stuff going on around and teens need a little balance and a little meaning in their life and the c-team program as well as the kaneohe bruja are both fantastic programs to provide that little bit of Yiddish Chi and a little balance that they need so desperately in life ladies and gentlemen is a great honor tonight for me to introduce to you rabbi - Freedman love and marriage go together like it used to sound cute innocent but now when I think about it it is so misleading it is so confusing it's so damaging love and marriage do not go together like a horse and carriage besides the comparison is insulting because who you calling a horse we have a really serious problem called love it's a problem because we worship love the god of America is love we do everything in the name of love we will die in the name of love we will kill in the name of love we will marry in the name of love and if your child has a problem the solution is more love you love him love him more you love him a lot love him more it's not working it's not working like every Idol this one disappoints always so let's take a closer look at love and find out where it belongs what it's good for and how it's being abused if we were to ask a simple question is love important to human life no not really the word important is not an appropriate description of love when someone is important you ought to love them that's a good old-fashioned idea whoever is important in your life you should love them but love does not make importance I mean look at how arrogant and nasty this idea is if I love you you are the most important person in the world when I stop loving you you're nothing how arrogant is that how abusive is that my love makes or breaks your value it's really nasty how do we convince the average kid 11 year old that the brother he hates is still more important than the dog he loves because he's not convinced so if you ask him that old Talmudic question if your brother and your dog were drowning who would you save his answer is my dog is why I love my dog I don't love my brother that's not good the people you love who are not important in your life no matter how much you love them they're still not important and those who are important in your life no matter how much you hate them they're still important so I bought my sister a little souvenir from a little souvenir shop down in the keys in Florida it was an embroidered pillow and it said I am smiling because you're my sister now if it isn't that nice but on the back it said on the back it said and I'm laughing because there's nothing you can do about it you are stuck with me which side of the pillow is more important more significant more powerful I'm smiling because you're my sister that's cute not always smiling sometimes you get on my nerves but there's nothing you can do about it that's permanent that's real so someone important in your life no matter how you feel the importance remains steady so here's a shocker and they're gonna be a few tonight unconditional love is is a disturbing and unhealthy idea everybody wants unconditional love all the experts tell you you must give your children unconditional love if you say to a child I love you unconditionally the child feels rejected this makes sense if I love you unconditionally then you don't count anymore you don't matter anymore cuz no matter what you do no matter how you act no matter how you turn out I decided I'm gonna love you and there is nothing you can do about it that feels like a rejection because love is an emotion and emotions are reactions response an emotion means I am responding to you so if you're adorable and lovable I love you when you're hateful and vicious and vicious I I hate you it's got it it's got a match I'm reacting to you but if I decide I'm just gonna love you all the time no matter what then I've dismissed you I'm entertaining myself I decided to love you that's not even a healthy emotion emotions are exciting precisely because they they rise and fall they you know they come and go they're fickle they're unpredictable the way they should be so what is unpredictable emotions what can be unconditional facts so a mother shouldn't say to a child I love you unconditionally the mother should say I am your mother unconditionally I will always be your mother unconditionally you know how unconditionally I will be your mother even when I hate you and right now I hate you you know this is how we relate to God and it's a strictly Jewish thing no one else can do this nobody it's strictly Jewish only a Jew can say this is my god and I go to the synagogue on Yom Kippur do I believe in God no am i religious no so why am I in the synagogue on Yom Kippur Jim Kippur only a Jew can do that only a Jew can say the god I don't believe in wants me here so I show up and in the Jewish brain that makes perfect sense because do I believe in God is a subjective question issue sometimes when I'm in a good mood okay I believe in God so if you ask me do I believe in God you're asking about me no I don't believe in God then you say so why are you in the synagogue on Yom Kippur whoa whoa whoa then it's not a subjective question anymore I'm in the synagogue on Yom Kippur because it's Yom Kippur what am I gonna do about it and God wants a Jew in the synagogue on Yom Kippur what am I gonna do about it so the point is if I don't believe in God will he go away no so one has nothing to do with the other I don't believe in God but when he wants me desperately to come to the show where am I gonna do so I thought a guy is running down the street and you stop him and you say excuse me was what's life Stu what's the matter he says my wife is not feeling well I'm running to get the doctor so you say wow it's so beautiful you obviously love your wife very much and like a typical Jew he says did I say anything about love lately we don't get along so good so imagine saying to him well in that case what's the rush let's have a cup of coffee we'll talk a little bit you'll go later he would say you're out of your mind my wife needs a doctor and you say but you don't love her and he will say those immortal words what's love got to do with it see that's a relationship love does not create a relationship it is so painful and so disturbing people fall in love and call it a relationship there is no relationship I love you I love you not there's just a feeling a feeling is not a relationship a feeling is the spirit of a relationship so when you have a relationship you can either love it hate it or not care being different but hate does not a relationship love is not a relationship it's a response an emotional response to the relationship so what is a relationship briefly to be married you need three qualities quality number one generosity so when people ask how do I know if I'm ready to get married I don't think I'm ready to get married or I do think I'm ready to get me how do you how do you judge that the first thing is how generous are you because without generosity you cannot tolerate another person in your space you have to be generous you have to be big enough for two so here's how it works you look in the mirror in the morning if what you see fascinates you don't get married if you look in the mirror in the morning and you say you again get married it's time for a new face in the mirror so if you're fascinated with yourself you're busy with yourself then you're not generous enough to allow another person into your life and generosity kindness comes in a number of important shape and form you have to be generous with your possessions you have to be generous with your time you have to be generous with your space and you have to be generous with your words people are generous in different areas and stingy and others there is a person who will let you take whatever possession you want just not my blue suede shoes people will tell you you can help yourself to whatever just don't don't don't waste my time you want the car take the car stop wasting my time I have no time for you some people are generous with their time but not with their space fine whatever you want just don't cramp my space stay out of my area and then there are people who are not generous with their words it's just a stingy nasai said my wife I can't get over it what she did the other day it was so fantastic she's so amazing I said did you tell her No why not oh man a few words and he used up those few words a long time ago he's not generous with his words so if you have generosity you are ready to consider marriage a relationship but then there's a very important condition you see familiarity they say familiarity breeds contempt that's a very strong word it's much worse than hate if familiarity breeds contempt how could you possibly be married I mean what's a greater familiarity than living together day after day for years how do you not deteriorate into contempt so the second pillar of a relationship is dignity mutual respect no one ever speaks about this in all the books on relationships on marriage on nobody nobody emphasizes the respect that is so crucial because otherwise you start to abuse each other without even intending to you have to maintain your own dignity so that it's easier for your spouse to respect you and you have to protect your spouse's dignity so that you don't you don't become overly familiar and start to detest each other you know that when a couple are nasty to each other it is so shocking and so surprising because other than that really they're both nice people and true I say something about a guy who is really nasty to his wife and nobody believes me are you talking about he's the nicest guy in the world he wouldn't hurt a fly and it's true only with his wife he is not only nasty he's inhuman because when that familiarity goes bad it is really ugly good people decent people deteriorate into something really really nasty so how do you prevent that familiarity without creating distance between them the dignity preserve your dignity it's like again another shocker every father says to his daughter hey you can't go out dressed like that I think it should be the other way hey hey if you dress like that get out not in the house you want to dress immodestly in the street where everybody else is doing it also but in the house we maintain our dignity because the house has to be preserved you don't want it to deteriorate to contempt so we have to appreciate and protect the atmosphere at home why is the street more important why would you never answer the door if somebody rings the doorbell in your nightgown but you run around with your husband no husband and wife run around in their night clothes all the time so what the pizza delivery guy gets more respect than your husband than your husband or wife something's wrong maintain dignity this notion that once we get married we can do whatever we want I can let my hair down and be ugly and nasty and sloppy and he'll love me anyway no doesn't work see again your yeah your belief in love that love will overcome everything and that no matter how nasty or sloppy you are love will keep you together no it won't so pillar number three if you have the generosity and you have the respect like you see sometimes an elderly couple they've been married like for 65 years and they're still respectful of each other then I'm talking about have you seen that that's amazing if you have these two pillars you have a great relationship what then makes it a marriage not every relationship is a marriage the third pillar is sanctity if we don't appreciate that marriage is a divine idea not a human idea if we don't appreciate that by being married you're doing something and you're engaging in something that is bigger than the two of you then you just have a functional relationship you don't yet have a marriage in the marriage you are meant to dissolve to surrender what do you dissolve into and what are you surrendering to something greater and bigger than both of you when you can dissolve you can actually become one whatever keeps you separate is because you're not dissolving you're maintaining so add the ingredient of sanctity and you have a marriage and here we have a problem major studies in major universities for a long time have come to the conclusion that men and women can't get along it's been proven conclusively we've tried desperately every which way date younger date sooner date more they get to know each other understand the opposite sex get it's not working men and women are just not good for each other it's a fact you know there's this book men are from Mars Women are from Venus I never read that book because after that title what's the point you tell me men are from Mars Women are from Venus and then you're gonna give me 300 pages worth of what how to overcome the difference in planets it's not gonna work so if men are from Mars and women are from Venus stick to your own planet God invented marriage marriage is an amazing miraculous transformation where a man becomes a husband and a woman becomes a wife then everything changes husband and wife are inseparable man and woman are better off without each other so the tragedy today's that couples get married but he does not become a husband and she does not become a wife he remains a man she remains a woman and now they're wondering why they don't get along they shouldn't get along in fact when a couple tell me that they're working on their relationship and they're going for therapy I don't understand that what does it mean you're working on your relationship say that in simple English I'm working on the relation it means you don't like her is that what it means if you don't like her so you're working on it and you're going for therapy you don't need therapy men and women don't get along you're perfectly healthy if you should ever find a man and a woman who do get along something's not right they need therapy because you know something's fishy here if he remains a man and she remains a woman of course they don't get along men and women don't get along why do men refuse to become husbands why do women refuse to become wives very simple there's no glamour it's embarrassing wives are the butt of all jokes when a group of married women of housewives get together for an evening what is it called a girls night out some of their daughters are already women but there it's a girl's why isn't it called a wives night out are you kidding they want to have fun wives don't have fun wives are desperate so not only can't they be wives they can't even be women because the last time they had any fun was when they were girls so it's got to be a girls night out so who wants to be a wife and husbands there are no bigger losers and wimps than husbands guy gets up Miller tonight he's miserable cuz he has post-nasal drip he can't get out of bed and get the night cool no she has to get out of bed bring him the nyquil and put him to sleep you want to be a husband after that that is a commercial where this guy who except me Alexa can you get me my medicine so when you turn husband's into such wimps who wants to be a husband we got to bring back the glamour of husband and wife so in order to be husband and wife to become inseparable we have to be able to dissolve as long as you maintain your structure as long as you maintain your definition of yourself you're living side by side the real reason I decided to write this book which is a bit controversy controversial among rabbis you know we don't talk about this in fact after this evening is over I will deny ever having been here because we don't talk about this but the reason I wrote the book is because we've always known that there is divorce husband and wife can have a very hard time with each other and need to go their separate ways so there's stress and there's fighting and there's okay we're human but when happily married couples and this is happening a lot happily married couples with what we would call successful marriages and they have no complaints to each other and they wouldn't think of getting divorced and yet in a quiet moment each of them will admit that they feel completely alone in the world that means that something fundamental is missing in our lives and in our marriages and that's really scary if even a good marriage doesn't take away that feeling of being alone in the world then we're doing something seriously wrong and we're hurting ourselves in England the health department the government opened a new division to deal specifically with the health issue called loneliness it's a health crisis because a person who feels alone in the world weakens their immune system their immune system crashes and then they develop all sorts of illnesses and stuff so it's costing them a fortune the health so they want to treat this loneliness but really it's not loneliness its aloneness it's very different we are not lonely people we are very sociable people we have friends all over the world everybody likes you online you know that word is useless now so we have friends we party we go places we're not lonely and despite that we feel completely alone and that's what weakens our immune system because we're not designed to be alone so why in a good marriage can the people feel alone it's because they're not dissolving they're living side by side and everything's working a working marriage that's not very romantic a marriage should be more than a working arrangement a successful partnering so a guy says I love everything about my wife that nice I love everything about my wife and that left me a little puzzled because his wife had just called me asking for a divorce so what's going on here so I said to the guy you love everything about your wife yeah and so how about her do you love her he said I love everything about her I said you're not answering my question do you love her he says what about her I said no not about her do you love her he says I don't know what you're talking about we have developed this obsession with things and we're not connecting to each other I love everything about my wife what about her if you take the things away what is her who needs her without the things if a man says I love you for your money but then you lost your money so I don't love you anymore that's not even correct English I never loved you I only loved the money now that the money is gone I don't know what you're doing in my house get out who invited you so we all understand that a man marries for money a woman marries for money come on that's not real love that's not real romance that's not real marriage because if you marry me for my money you're married to the money not to me you love the money you don't love me so often this couple come for marriage counseling and they call each other all sorts of names and accuse each other of all sorts of horrible and it goes on and on and on and then they say so you think we should get divorced I say actually I think you should get married you're already divorced but if you tried you could make a nice couple want to get married cuz you never got married you loved everything about each other that's not a marriage in fact if I love you for your money for your looks for your intelligence for your sense of humor for your wonderful family you know what that's called polygamy I am married to five things unfortunately you're not one of them I am married to everything about you just not to you you have two drops of water on the table next to each other why are there two drops water is supposed to flow what's it doing sitting there like a drop that's not the way water behaves the answer is surface tension the air creates a certain tension and the water is not big enough there's not enough water to break that so the air keeps each drop in its shape and that's what separates them what will it take for them to merge and become ones drop not much breathe on it touch it shake the table it will break the surface tension and they will naturally flow together and become one drop that's what happens in marriage male and female were never meant to be separate beings God created the first human being male and female then he separated them right remember that operation and they became two people and immediately after separating them God says therefore should a man leave his mother and father cleave to his wife and become one we always thought that that operation was an improvement because you know male and female that's a little weird so when God separated them we became normal a man and a woman every separation is unnatural because God is one all separation is unholy because holiness is oneness separation division unholy so when we became - we lost our natural oneness because the way we were created that's our true nature so getting married me reclaim your true nature male/female one person that's what marriage is how does that happen all you need to do is break the surface tension you don't need to create oneness you need to remove the interference the tension a man wants to devote his life to his wife to where he completely dissolves I gotta tell you something which men are not supposed to reveal what is the definition of a husband what is unique about a husband and no nasty jokes so some people say commitment you start a business together you make a commitment even sign a contract commitment doesn't describe a husband yeah he does the definition of husband that makes him different from every other creature in the world a husband is the only being whose entire existence and identity depends on someone else's happiness because a husband whose wife is unhappy is a devastated being devastated when a husband is unhappy the wife is concerned she is not devastated she'll talk to her friends about him consult what can we do but devastated she's not devastated if he sees his wife unhappy he is a destroyed human being and it's the only one if your child is unhappy you're worried you're not devastated men are so desperate for their wives to be happy they don't even care what they're happy about it doesn't even have to be about me just be happy because if you're not happy you destroy me a husband wants to dissolve his being into her life and a woman wants to surrender herself completely to him that's nature we are no good separate we're not complete separate so we want desperately to merge the experts are now saying that all the emphasis for the last 10 20 years all the emphasis on increased pleasure how to get more pleasure out of your intimate relationship has been a terrible mistake we don't need more pleasure we've been sold a bill of goods it's just not true we don't need more pleasure in our relationships we have chocolate what we need from our relationships is closeness that's what the experts are saying they're close but they're not there yet the Taurus says marriage is not for closeness you should be close with your mother and father you should be close with your siblings you should be close with ever your fellow Jew what we want from marriage is oneness not closeness that's not good enough because closeness will not take away that feeling that you're alone in the world so here is the beauty of marriage the Torah says therefore you should leave your mother and father and cleave to your spouse to become one why can't you be one with your mother and father flesh and blood you are not one with your mother and father no matter how close or no matter how good that relationship is because you're not the only one to them they have each other you're number three and the same is true with your children you're not one with your child because you have each other the only relationship that is truly monogamous where you are the only one is in your marriage and that's why your oneness with your spouse is deeper and stronger than your relationship with your parents that amazing so if we can't surrender to each other we are frustrating ourselves and that's why living together what does that prove living together means I can't completely dissolve because I'm not sure I want to be with you forever so let's not make that commitment yet so if you're living together what will you know what will you discover a bunch of things about each other and they say well I like all the things about each other let's get married big mistake because marriage means moving beyond all things to the person connected to the person not to anything about the person so you love everything about your wife you're a glutton and she is still alone in the world so of course when you're dating when you're choosing someone to marry what are you basing it on things but that's because you want to get to the person you don't want to stop at the things so you check out all the things and you like it he's okay now let's get married that means let's move beyond all these things and have each other so Tevye says to gold do you love me and she says he says do you love me she sings him a song for 25 years I've washed her clothes I made your meals he's asking about love she's talking about laundry what is this supposed to mean he is a little immature you know he's Tevye his wife is a mature woman so he says do you love me and she says what what has gotten into you for 25 years I am yours you have me all of me all you can think about is love so you're asking whether I'm giving you my love I gave myself to you and if that's not love what is there's a more powerful word in the English language more powerful than love and that is mine be mine I am yours we belong to each other it's not a feeling it's way beyond so when we say you know our grandparents they had solid marriages there was no divorce and everybody says yeah but look how miserable they were with each other see but that's the beauty of it they weren't in it for love they weren't in it for pleasure because they weren't getting any hay but they had each other and they were not gonna give that up for anything not even for love so a few practical things first of all stop saying I love you everybody thinks that's the most beautiful sentence in the world it's not it's a nasty little sentence and often often it represents a threat I love you watch it because in a second I can stop loving you any sentence that begins with the word I is not good any sentence where the first word is AI the last word is you this is not good news I love you is cute it's not meaningful but you are mine that is so powerful in Yiddish and the good old days you saw a child in the street you didn't ask the child what's your name you would ask them ins mister whose are you who do you belong to belonging that's that's what we're all looking for and yet for some reason the word mine has become a dirty word of course it's not possessive my husband doesn't mean he belongs to me my child doesn't mean it belongs to me see here's what it looks like you remember having a moment where everything was so perfect that you wish time would just stop and it would remain frozen like this forever because you can't imagine anything better that's called worship what does it mean to worship God I mean aside from doing the mitzvot worshipping God means you think of God and nothing can get better he is perfect it can't get better that's called worship when you worship an idol you're being a fool because it can get better the idol is not perfect but are you worshiping but there are moments like when you look at your baby when he's sleeping and it's that's it it can't get better this is what marriage is supposed to be you come home another very powerful word you come home and you find yourself in the place that you belong there's no other place you should be and you are doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing there's nothing else you should be doing and you are with the person that you belong with and there's no one else you should be with if you have these three conditions I am where I belong doing what I'm supposed to be doing with the person I'm supposed to be with it that's it it doesn't get better than that if there's a moment where the place you're in is so perfect that there's no place else you'd rather be there's nothing else you would rather be doing and there's no one else you would rather be with that's heaven that is literally a taste of heaven so when people ask you really believe in heaven believe in it what you were never there you were never in heaven that's very sad get your act together you don't have to die to go to heaven that's what it should feel like and this is the definition of intimacy intimacy means two people connecting to each other without anything joining them it's not like we both love tennis or pina colada we're not we're not meeting at a third point it's just us and here's the final shocker it's really shocking every time we discover that grandma was right again if you asked your grandmother what happens in the bedroom your grandmother said nothing you say come on tell me I need to know I'm turning 38 tell me what happens in the bedroom your grandmother says nothing if fine you don't want to tell me she did tell you and it's the only correct answer what is a bedroom in a living room there are many things but there should be otherwise it's an empty room in the kitchen there are many things to make a kitchen you got to have a lot of things our bedroom means the place of him and her know things so when you ask your grandmother what happens in the bedroom no thing it's just them and they have each other and they are not a thing so what is a bedroom a know things own when you walk into the bedroom you leave everything at the door don't bring anything into the bedroom what are these things you should leave at the door the television it should not be in the bedroom there are three partners and the birth of a child the mother the father and God not Conan there should be there should be no television in no computer nothing it's just a place for them if you bring a thing into the bedroom it's a little pornographic because pornography means turning people into a thing turning intimacy into a thing a couple are intimate and then the wife says how was it or the husband says how was it there was an it in the bedroom I thought it was just us who let the it in what is the it look you have to ask how it was weren't you there obviously not and that's true you were not there you were in Mars she was in Venus now you have to check and see how are things on Mars so the sex actually separated them now one do they feel alone in the world intimacy is the opposite intimacy means there's no thing this is not a performance it's not an Olympic event it's just us being us you have to ask how that is that's always wonderful it's perfect I'm where I belong doing what I should be doing with the person I should be with what what that's perfect I tell you this a guy in the Chabad House staring at me finally he comes over to me and he says just out of curiosity I've been wondering when you sleep do you sleep with your beard under the blanket well with the beard on top of the blanket I could not sleep for three weeks you think it's funny you tell me should it be under the blanket or on the blanket good tell me I tried it under the blanket tried it off the blanket I went back and forth and back and forth I couldn't sleep for three weeks see when you turn something perfectly natural into a thing it disturbs your life husband and wife do not engage in something intimacy means enjoying the greater pleasure of each other not the pleasure of something you're doing with each other so here's the bumper sticker nothing you get from your wife is important as your wife how did we forget that the biggest and strongest reminder the most powerful tool is the fact that we separate for two weeks out of the month and then go to the mikveh and then we're back together again for two weeks and some people think oh my god that means that half your life you're separated if only it were half your life you know what's going on in the average bedroom in America once a month if they're lucky tired bored exhausted that's that's terrible so we need to reclaim intimacy we need to be able to dissolve again to merge to become whole no more things nothing and the in the Gemara tells a story about a woman who had incredible children and the sages came and asked what are you doing that creates such in amazing children physically spiritually and the woman said we are never intimate before 1 o'clock in the morning and they said that's your secret she says in our village there's activity up until 1 o'clock in the morning after 1 o'clock in the morning there's no activity in the street there's no horse coming there's no door opening or closing there's nothing to distract us so the intimacy is total so if you ask what can I do to reclaim intimacy one thing and it's it's amazing how powerful that is intimacy must be in the dark then that makes sense if the light is on you're going to see what are you gonna see some thing that's what the eye sees it sees things if you see something it has distracted you from the intimacy and even if you're seeing each other you're seeing something about each other you're not connecting to each other so intimacy be in the dark if people would do just that it would change their relationship dramatically remember all the old television shows I Love Lucy remember when they were going to be intimate what did they do and turned off the lamp right that was always like fade to black now they're being intimate that was Universal wasn't religiously Jewish that was a universal thing intimacy is in the dark because what do you want to see see intimacy turns out that they also had two beds remember never never show a couple in one bed and now that I think about it it makes so much sense if you're going to be intimate show a little initiative at least get up like show a little interest it's not like yeah we're here anyway and you're not gonna let me sleep so that's horrible it's really horrible talk about familiarity being overdone whoa how can you possibly sleep next to each other while you're sleeping so my first book doesn't anyone blush anymore I tell a story about these teenagers who they were from the reformed temple but they started coming to the Habad house and they were getting interested and before the summer they came to me and said we're going on a camping trip which we do every year this year we want to make it kosher because they were talking about the food I said who's going and where are you going they said eight of us four boys four girls 17 years old where're they going to the boundary war area on the border with Canada which is a pristine and where are they staying in a tent out in the middle of nowhere I said not kosher they said we haven't gotten to the food yet I said the whole arrangement is not kosher four boys four girls in a tent they were offended because these are really decent Midwestern nice kids and one of the boys said we do this every year we do everything together we grew up together from kindergarten on we do everything together nothing ever happens in fact last year he said one of the sleeping bags got too close to the fire and was destroyed so we shared a sleeping bag nothing happened I said in that case you don't need to speak to a rabbi you need a psychiatrist quickly nothing happened and you're proud of that you're in trouble so if you say you know a husband and what hey there Amit maybe once a month 28 days out of the head of the month they just sleep nothing happens I think they need therapy and it's so insulting I'm right there but no you just want to sleep thank you very much it's it's a bad idea besides you don't get good sleep how many couples don't don't raise your hand but how many how many couples in America end up sleeping in separate rooms cuz he snores or it's just not comfortable so he ends up sleeping on the couch this should never happen so I'm not advocating separate rooms which would be Wow what I mean talk about romance when the king wants to be intimate with the Queen he has to knock on her door I mean this man is serious he wants intimacy it's really powerful but two separate rooms is not not not always a good idea but a little initiative take a little interest this is the holiest thing that two human beings can do aside from a mitzvah it deserves a little more respect than it's getting to what's going on in the world today what is all that abuse all that molesting what what is all that so some experts say it's the abuse of power not always some experts say men have no respect for women not always men who do respect women will behave the same way so what's missing here if you ask those men have you no respect for women they'll say I absolutely do have respect for women she said then why do you do that you know what their answer is do what what it was nothing I touched her I pinched her I looked at her I asked nothing see that's the problem it's not that men don't respect women it's that we all of us don't respect intimacy it was nothing it wasn't nothing it was intimate inappropriately final story we have this program based Carla in Minnesota women come for a crash course since 1971 there was a woman there in the 70s who had come out of the 60s and she was a rebel she refused to play the game the bourgeois game so she neglected herself I mean badly with a vengeance she would not do any of the feminine things she was a little hard to be with nobody wanted to share a room with her I mean she really neglected herself one day she said I need to talk to you privately so we went into a room which I called my office wasn't an office it was a storage room she sat down near the door and she closed the door I said leave the door open a little she said why I said because a man and a woman should not be alone in a room with the door closed there's no window she started to sob and I thought I had offended her but when she pulled herself together she said this is the first time anyone has treated me like a woman so the point is personally was I attracted to her does that mean that closing the door is not intimate see intimacy has a reality of its own intimacy doesn't depend on how I feel or what I think so if for example a married woman is having an affair who's being violated nobody neither of them is hurting each the other what they're destroying is the intimacy of her marriage the sanctity of the marriage it's not personal it's not subjective it's reality a man and a woman walk into a room and close the door something intimate just happened even if you're clueless platonic relationships you can't fool mother nature a hug a kiss yeah platonic it's not platonic it's meaningful holding hands is me shaking hands people say what shaking hands it's nothing really remember when someone shook your hand and held it two seconds longer than necessary all of a sudden whoa something's wrong here let go of my hand you pervert I'm just shaking your hand whose timing this there are six second law a rule no cause holding hands shaking hands is an intimacy just because you don't feel it doesn't change the reality so what's happening in the world is that we have lost respect for intimacy a touch is nothing a kiss is nothing a hug is nothing a dirty joke is nothing exposing yourself is nothing nothing then what are we doing to ourselves where is the respect for intimacy then you come home when you should be intimate and it doesn't feel intimate it's boring so make your bedroom sacred create an atmosphere the bedroom is for us not for anything you leave all your anger at the door you leave all your worries at the door you leave all your complaints at the door you do not bring them into a bedroom you must treat the bedroom as holy remember the last time or the first time you went to Israel tira shall i him you went to the to the Kotel the first time was it enjoyable it wasn't just enjoyable it was awesome it was scary scary enjoyable that's what intimacy has to feel like it's awesome the ability to dissolve into other all to someone that's awesome so Jay says I go to California all these people sitting around unemployed and I asked them what do you do for a living and they're all sitting around trying to decide where to put the sex scene in their next move and he says to them why does every movie have to have a sex scene and they say because the movie is a depiction of reality and in real life people have sex he says yeah they also have soup if you if you think about it that is a devastating comment why if you have a soup seen the movie won't sell even if it's tasteful a tasteful soup scene won't sell why will sex sell you know when he made this joke thirty years ago it's no longer true sex doesn't sell anymore because it has become soup it has become soup nobody cares anymore teenagers are already bored they're looking for alternatives so from now on instead of saying I love you you say you I love I'm not looking for love I'm looking for you you you I love otherwise I don't need love I'm not a child I need you and when I have you it doesn't get any better that's a marriage that's what the book is about and the theme that we came up with is there's a movie that goes with the book the theme is fixing the world one bedroom at a time see in the in the Torah when that wants to describe intimacy it uses a euphemism it uses the word know Adam knew Eve and she conceived it's a very appropriate euphemism because knowing is intimate when you know something that's an intimate connection with someone when you feel that you've heard that's an intimacy so if you want to use a euphemism that's the proper euphemism the euphemisms we use today is so ridiculous a man and a woman pencil of physical relationship and it's called dating where's that even me he's dating anyone no but an anthropologist okay hey guys I'm dating my girl what she's still alive what are you doing you know what it used to be courting they'd ever go courting according what the world does that mean are you going with anybody you going out no I'm going in not going anywhere I'm staying home what is going mean we're going steady cruise control and then the winner are you seeing anybody nope where do you live in a cave this guy says I'm seeing a really special woman I said that's great when can I see her this is an indication it's an indication that we are terrified of intimacy we'll call it everything except closeness see I was seeing this woman am i seeing her now no what is that Heartbreak Hotel I saw her now I don't see her it's so sterile just to avoid being hurt so yes if you're if you can tell my life with your words killing me softly with your song that's an intimacy how do you know me that well how did you get into my head that's that is closeness love is proper it's not important so when I say you I love what I'm saying is I'm not looking for love I'm looking for you and that's why your love has become significant otherwise it's like no mother ever said to her children you don't love me you're not the only kids in the world the neighbors kids love me they're cuter than you see no mother would ever say that because no mother needs love from her children that's seriously juvenile you need love from a child every mother wants her children's love not love from her children and the difference is huge because your children's love you can't get from anybody else because it's about your children that about love and the same is true with husband and wife you don't need love from your husband if you need love go home to your mother that's the source of love and if your mother didn't love you I'm sorry but you're not gonna make up for it with love from your husband you don't need love from your husband you need your husband's love why because he's your husband and that love you can't get from somebody else so if you need your husband's love and you're not getting your husband's love what are you gonna do try a little harder but you're not going anywhere so the place of love is it follows the relationship first there's a relationship we belong to each other so we might as well love each other and if you don't love me today I'll try it tomorrow same thing with God the Jews love God not today maybe tomorrow but he is my god and I'm not going nowhere without him that's what it means when Jews say you know I don't keep all those rituals but I'm just as Jewish as you that's true don't shout you're right don't raise your voice it's true you're just as Jewish because it's a real relationship so there's a mitzvah to love God with all your heart all your soul in all your might doesn't that show how important love is no it shows how important God is so you might as well love him because he's not going anywhere I'm laughing because there's nothing he can do about it and if you don't love him today try it tomorrow

Channel: Rabbi Manis Friedman

Views: 32,398

Rating: 4.7435117 out of 5

Keywords: Rabbi Manis Friedman, Manis Friedman, marriage, jewish intimacy, kabbalah of marriage

Id: _p8PO4KCehs

Length: 88min 8sec (5288 seconds)

Published: Wed May 09 2018