Rabbi Friedman - Lighten Up, The Comedy of Marriage

what's funny about marriage I don't mean what's ridiculous about marriage what's funny about it serious business back in 1991 harper published a book called doesn't anyone blush anymore it's a book on relationships and we'll be talking about it a little bit later but i just want to mention that that title which is a pretty good title it worked but it was not my choice you see the publisher always gets the final word on the title but they ask you to submit suggestions the title i prefer the title i was fighting for was shut up i love you and amazingly in 1991 they thought shut up was too vulgar harper they thought it was too vulgar for a rabbi i guess but the meaning of the title is a very simple thing we believe we are taught to believe that love will keep us together and that all you really need is love and if a marriage is floundering or if it's difficult or there's friction all you need is more love and if you have a lot of love and it's not working well you need more love if you have enough love everything will work of course that's a bit hollywood Madison Avenue love sells but it doesn't work love is not the answer to all our problems because let's find out exactly what the problem is the problem in most relationships the problem in most marriages is if I love you what more can you want so just shut up and let me love you but no you ruin it by having an opinion and a personality what can I do what can I do no matter how much I love you you won't shut up so time after time doing marriage counseling I guess I am a little wise cuz I gave up doing marriage counseling I got smart but when I did do marriage counseling time after time it was the same problem she says he doesn't love me he says of course I do now if somebody lying is one of them mistaken you try to find out who's telling the truth they're both telling the truth he loves her that's why he doesn't understand why she also has to have an opinion isn't my love enough so if you would just be quiet give up your opinions and give up your personality and let me love you we would both be so happy she says he doesn't love me because he doesn't listen to me I'll tell you the most common exchange in a difficult marriage he says I have been married to this woman for nine years and she's driving me crazy I say how was she driving you crazy he says I can't figure out what she wants I have no idea what she wants it's driving me crazy so naively I turned to the wife and I say you know when you're married to a man for nine years don't you think it's time to tell him what you want what does she say when you've done some marriage counseling you can basically sleep through the whole thing because you already know the script they follow the script perfectly so it always happens she says tell him what I want I have told him a million times you know what he says it follows the script he says what why did you tell me what she says I've told you a million times stop making fun of my sister he turns to me and says you see she makes me crazy I said how is she making you crazy she finally told you what she wants he says you don't believe that you think that's what she wants that's not what's bothering her it bothers her that I make fun of her sister it's not possible her sisters an idiot you see it turns out that he has a sister and she's an idiot and he loves making fun of his sister and he loves when others make fun of his sister because she is an idiot so he can't believe that his wife is sensitive to her idiot sisters dignity or reputation so no that can't be it she doesn't really care about her sister she's just trying to drive me crazy we make assumptions because I am me I see everything through my eyes so if my wife says something that doesn't fit that picture it does not compute I simply dismiss it no that's not what your care that's not what bothers you I'll tell you what bothers you that's the comedy of marriage two people living together under the same roof for the rest of their lives and they don't speak the same language when he talks she has no idea what he's saying when she talks he understands nothing this is funny and then they come to marriage counseling to try to figure out where where the relationship went wrong so at the end of this whole thing when they've each vented their frustrations the guy says so I think we should get divorced I hadn't heard anything they said because I just follow the script and the answer to every problem and every marriage counseling session is the same should you get divorced you are divorced the question is would you like to get married to each other how do we get married there's a really profound and important teaching right at the beginning of the Torah in beret shoes we have been misled seriously dangerously concerning the very nature the fundamental most earthy fact of life the attraction of male to female and female to male the whole idea of marriage right they a quick story if we have time I came to Minnesota from Brooklyn straight out of your Shiva newlywed and I was very excited about teaching speaking spreading Yiddish guy so I'm sitting by the phone waiting for for a call a call comes in a teenage girl from a rural town outside of Minneapolis she goes to a high school of 2000 students and there are four Jewish kids in the whole school two of them are in her class she and another girl and their class is discussing intermarriage in a public school I never found out why they were discussing intermarriage but she says a priest had come to present the Catholic view and a minister had come to present the Protestant view and these two Jewish kids would like to have a rabbi come and present the Jewish view on intermarriage would I come I said would I come that's what I'm here for so of course yes I'll come she tells me the date and a place fine the day comes and I'm thinking what should I wear high school teenagers no need to be formal so I put on a leather jacket a motorcycle jacket and I go off to the appointment this is really rural Minnesota in the warm months students come to school on horseback I come into the classroom and if you know the Yiddish expression svet me Finster father Aaden I am shocked and dismayed because the priest and the minister are both there so this turns out to be one of those stories a priest a minister and a rabbi but this actually happened you know a priest a minister and a rabbi walked into a bar and the bartender said is this some kind of joke but this one really happened see I had misunderstood they hadn't already spoken they had already agreed to speak but the idea was that was going to be a little panel of the of the three of us together now in policy we don't do that we don't sit on panels with other religions so had I known I would have refused but you know after I walked into the room so I didn't know they were going to be there they knew that a rabbi was coming and for some strange reason they were shocked when I showed up this was not their picture of a rabbi I think for I think in all reality they had never seen a rabbi with a beard back then in Minnesota rabbis didn't come with beards and with a leather jacket there was something incongruous about that to make matters worse the teacher comes over and says we only have 45 minutes bite here so each of you will speak five minutes five minutes this is getting really ridiculous and this is not legitimate I'm not supposed to be here so I'm very uncomfortable they're old enough the priest and the minister are old enough to be my father and this is my first speaking engagement of my career and it's all wrong the priest spoke first and in approximately five minutes he said that intermarriage is forbidden the church cannot sanction this marriage you're not considered married but if it does happen you have to raise your children Catholic about five minutes the minister spoke about five minutes and he said marriages are difficult enough look at the divorce rate look at the problems the last thing you want to do is add another stress to the marriage by marrying somebody from a different faith and he has some pamphlets to give out after class now it's my turn I get up and I panic I am paralyzed I can't think of anything to say nothing I hadn't actually prepared a speech its intermarriage I know about these things with you you know we learned that and yeshiva I didn't have to prepare a speech so I didn't have a text to read from and my mind just went completely blank I could not think of a word to say firstly because this whole thing was wrong I wasn't supposed to be there the whole setup it was just a big mistake secondly what should I say it's forbidden it's against the Torah the Torah says you should not marry out I'll sound like the priest if I say psychologically sociologically is not a good idea you're not going to understand each other you can I'll sound like the minister if I say yeah it's fine go right ahead I'll lose my job anyway I had nothing to say I complete I went completely paralyzed I couldn't think of a word so I'll tell you what happens when you when you get that that way there are 40 students waiting for you to speak and your brain has nothing to offer so what happens is your mouth starts to talk because you have to sew your mouth start starts to talk and your brain is thinking where are you going with this what's your point so I find myself saying I don't understand why we're discussing intermarriage this is modern times it's 1971 there's modern times in the 70s nobody bothers getting married anymore so what's the difference intermarriage there's no marriage you live together you like it you stay you don't like it you leave the priest got very upset he interrupted and he said that's living in sin I said that's what's going on so why are we discussing intermarriage there's no marriage now these very innocent clean-cut rural Minnesota teenagers very politely start arguing with me telling me why it's important to get married one after the other they're giving the arguments one of them said human beings are not meant to live alone you need companionship I said of course you need convert all the companionship you want one companion to companion yes like but why marriage a girl raises her hand and says I get married because I want someone to support me I said why you going to school get good grades support yourself one after the other is offering an argument and I'm dismissing it because I have nothing else to say finally one of them says you know when you have a baby the baby has to have a mother and a father and I'm going downhill without brakes I have no idea what I said have babies nobody has babies anymore haven't you heard of birth control priest got very upset anyway these kids are staring at me unbelieving and the two Jewish kids are cracking up so finally the students said okay so why do we get married I said I only reason I can think of is that way back when God told Adam and hava Adam and Eve to be married and since then with very few exceptions people get married all over the world it's the way we always heard it should be so we marry and then I thought of something to say and well well now that's why we don't intermarry the whole purpose of marrying is because it's God's Way well if you're doing it because it's God's Way then do it the way he approves doesn't make sense to make a seder on Pesach night and serve bread the bell rings class is over the minister comes over to me and says can I walk you out to the car so we're walking and he's lost in thought and it's a long corridor you know high school buildings and I can imagine what he wants to say what he wants to ask finally he says in all earnestness very serious he says what you were saying there in the classroom is that from the Old Testament the comedy of marriage is that God invented it it's a divine idea not human it's a divine idea that asks human beings to be something more than human now that's funny you're going to do something divine what else do you do that's divine on a given day God is asking us to do something divine and what is divine about it to get bigger than yourself to be able to hear another person without imposing your own prejudices if your wife is sensitive about her idiot sister and we're not debating whether she's really an idiot the big idiot a little idiot it doesn't matter you got to hear what the other person is saying if it bothers her when you make fun of her sister then that is the biggest crisis in your life and not only should you not make fun of her sister but you should become the one to protect her sister from any ridicule or criticism because you're on her side you're there to make her life better easier and more pleasant this is a little more than the human nature dictates so we're asked to be divine one of the reasons for marriage I'm sure there are many is that we have a whole list of qualities virtues good things about us that we may never use how often do you have to be tolerant how often do you have to be forgiving how often do you have to be empathetic sympathetic how often do you have to sacrifice your comfort for someone else's if you weren't married hardly ever but when you're married every good quality you possess is going to be activated you're going to need to use it and that is the best part of marriage when we resent that then we've got the wrong idea of what marriage is marriage literally is a godly idea it's not two people fell in love and decided to get married actually modern version of marriage I love you and you love me well then let's get married see it doesn't even make any sense that's not only funny that's ridiculous what has love got to do with it I love you you love me well then let's get married doesn't make any sense it's like I love you and you love me then we should live in Cleveland Barney how do you get to that conclusion if I love you and you of me we should be married who said anything about marriage to make marriage work it can't be a byproduct if and when two people love each other they get married no that's not how it works for those of you who are single and you intend to get married here's how you do it take out your calendar pick a realistic date June of next year pick a day in June mark it on your calendar my wedding next date you go out on the first thing you do is you pull out your calendar and you say I am scheduled to be married I'm scheduled to be married in June June 14th to be exact if he says of which year go home not for you if he says June 14th that's amazing he takes out his calendar and says I'm scheduled for June 12th so let's compromise and get married June 13th this is a match made in heaven if you want to be married it's because you believe in marriage you love marriage and if you love marriage you schedule it like you do every other important thing in your life put it on your calendar now it's just a matter of a technicality and finding someone to do it with so now that's a Jewish way of getting married it's not if I fall in love I'll get married I'm getting married it's scheduled and I'm doing it because marriage is divine because marriage is holy because marriage is right because since I've been nine I've wanted to be married not to someone I just wanted to be married that's a natural thing so when you find someone who shares your thinking about marriage that's why you marry him or her do you love them maybe maybe not yet but you've got the same vision you have the same life and if you get married you will support each other in that life that's good that's marriage so here's the bottom line marriage doesn't need justification you get married because because of marriage not because of love marriage doesn't need an excuse it's the right thing to do it's the only way to live so you get married who do you marry someone who shares your idea of marriage that's qualification number one you match your vision your picture of life and if they match well this is a good marriage so you come to the marriage with a picture of what life is supposed to be two people with the same picture get married when you do and your life starts to unfold to blossom together with each other how could you not love the person who is making your life liveable meaningful complete full so there's a lot of humor in marriage as there is in life in general we have to remain light because you're trying to do something superhuman don't take yourself so seriously you're trying to be bigger than yourself and that's clumsy you've never had to do that before so you're trying you'll make some mistakes but you got to maintain a sense of humor while at the same time there is nothing funny about the marriage itself the people trying to be married can be very funny because people are funny marriage is not so all those jokes about husbands and wives nasty shouldn't tell those jokes they're not nice you can make fun of people people's weaknesses foibles but not of marriage this perfect story it's in the book I was a teenager talking to one of my teachers in yeshiva a very wise man a truly wise man we were standing on the street and this newlywed couple rush over to him he was also the rabbi of the community and the wife says rabbi isn't it true you're not allowed to ladle soup out of a pot on Shabbos while it's on the fire tell my husband he doesn't know and this teacher of mine says whoa whoa slow down slow down don't tell me again what's the question ladling soup out of a pot you mean like with a ladle she says yeah he says from the pot that's on the fire she says yes he says on Shabbos she says yes he said boy that's complicated let me go home and look it up call me later I'll tell you whether you're allowed or not so they walked away and I'm staring at him like what am I missing here you're not allowed to cook on Shabbos a pot standing on the fire is cooking if you ladle soup out of it you're stirring the pot stirring is an act of cooking so of course you're not allowed every kid in yeshiva knows that so I said to him what am I missing why didn't you tell her she's right he says and make the husband look bad and his wife sigh you're not allowed to I was come I was completely in warm he did it so naturally so spontaneously exaggerated the question acted dumb to preserve the respect that a wife has for her husband that's the sanctity of marriage that's how we should treat marriage when you're in the presence of a married couple you're in the presence of something holy it's like a congregation at Kol Nidre you're careful what you say if you can enhance their respect for each other if you can help them admire each other or appreciate each other that is the ultimate Mitzvah of bringing Shull and buyers to a married couple to diminish their respect for each other has got to be the biggest sin so we got to stop telling all these nasty jokes make fun of men make fun of women but not of husbands and wives so a joke like this guy was travelling with his secretary and they were in a city and they were looking for a hotel and all the rooms were booked there was nothing available there was a convention in town and there was no rooms available finally they found one little Motel that had a room but there was only one bed not having a choice they took it so they're in bed and the guy the woman says to the guy the secretary says to her boss it's a little chilly can you get the other blanket the spare blanket he says you know as long as we're here spending the night together why don't we make believe we're married she says okay this is just for tonight let's make believe we're a married couple he's she says okay he says so we're married right she says yeah he's it okay don't get your own blanket see such jokes should never be told it's a nasty don't make fun of marriage so on the one hand we have to appreciate the comedy of human beings with all our failings with all our weaknesses trying to do something divine and on the other hand we have to appreciate how divine the marriage really is and when we do it right when we follow the laws of modesty and dignity when we speak to each other the way it ought to be when husband and wife don't shout at each other from different rooms in the house first time I heard that it was it was shocking to me I've never heard my father call to my mother from a different room when he wanted to talk to her he went to where she was for many years we didn't even though what my mother's name was yeah because he never called her he always went to her to speak to her so if we watch our tone using the right tone the appropriate tone you know there are tones the tone you use speaking to an employer the tone the employer uses and speaking to the employee the tone you use speaking to your parents the tone you use speaking to your children there's a tone appropriate for every occasion there's a tone appropriate for husband and wife every other tone inappropriate and children are particularly sensitive to this when your children hear you speak to each other in the right tone you're you're basically setting them on the right path for life if they hear the wrong tone it disturbs their whole foundation so let's keep laughing at ourselves trying to be married but let's take marriage very seriously because it is the holiest thing human beings are capable of

Channel: Sinai Indaba

Views: 199,443

Rating: 4.7590165 out of 5

Keywords: Judaism, Talmud, Torah, Unity, Inspiration, Wisdom, Israel, Rabbi (Profession), Marriage (Quotation Subject), Religion (TV Genre), Speech (Quotation Subject), Jewish People (Ethnicity), Judaism (Religion), Sinai Indaba

Id: SnOXrbfMmHo

Length: 34min 55sec (2095 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 05 2012