Everything Wrong With The Every Spider-Man Movie Ever (That We've Sinned So Far)

foreign who am I you sure you want to know we haven't even met yet what's missing how did this [ __ ] get out genetic super spider builds drunken web I guess the researchers are working on that one because that's what they do when they remove spiders instead of taking the little glass box thing that they're in for Easy Transport they scoop them out with a mason jar and then go do research on them Parker Let's Do It um [ __ ] Genetically Enhanced spider bit my [ __ ] hand I know where your missing spider is you think maybe I should get medic oh [ __ ] it helpful Science Museum screen gives tidy rundown of the powers Peter Parker will now receive also Sony product placement in a Sony movie come on guys stop double dipping guy who will soon become an accidental super villain conveniently already working on supervillainy things prior to the transformation violence aggression and Insanity you diagnosed Insanity in a rat Norman the general gave the go-ahead to Quest Aerospace to build a prototype of their exoskeleton design because that's what we normally do in situations like this tell you exactly where your money is going if you fail and who you can get revenge on later I'm already on my ass mate when the plant senior electrician is laid off after after 35 years what else would you call it holy clunky Exposition Batman funhouse mirror Toby Maguire guy who will soon become an accidental superhero conveniently already making drawings and doodles of superhero he thinks large alarming spider bite was not on Peter's right hand when he came home conveniently disguised so that his aunt and uncle couldn't see it I guess also these symptoms waited all day to manifest until Peter got home convenient audio flashback hand holds the audience through the complicated fact that Peter's bite from a super spider is affecting him you know Norman Osborne may be a genius but he's still like what 50 years behind Stanley Tucci's scientist from Captain America in the area of super soldier serum research let me reschedule with the proper medical staff and a volunteer I mean if you just give me two weeks it takes two weeks to get that kind of Staff that's just long enough to be pointless scientists running out of time and funding test his theories on himself cliche wait was that one of the abilities The Helpful screen told us about does that see amazing Vision on this list but I guess you can't have a superhero with glasses or contacts that would just be stupid stalking there's no black Mustang in front of this bus in this shot but in the next shot somehow one arrives ahead of the bus Dr Strom is dead they found his body this morning in the lab unfortunately billion dollar defense contractor Oscorp has no cameras or sight sign-in security features to determine who might have been at the lab at the time of Dr strom's Death Mary Jane is in some kind of danger cliche Mary Jane just happens to slip right in front of Peter so we can see some of his new abilities also everything that lands on this tray just sticks there without bouncing or obeying any of the laws of motion because spider powers can also change scientific principles nobody [ __ ] notices this all the authorities in this school are all outside smoking right now apparently Before Peter punches Flash the crowd circle is completely closed in around him but when he punches him flash goes flying there's an instantaneous large gap for him to fly through but in all honesty Harry and MJ should be smashed like bowling pins rubber Peter Sony saved approximately two thousand dollars by reusing the same POV shot over the laundry alley twice within seven seconds nobody [ __ ] notices this amateur wrestling ad offers the right amount of money that Peter needs to buy a shikar Peter webs the Dr Pepper can and then the lamp and then there's a knock on the door hello Aunt May and now there's webs all over the [ __ ] place for some reason Aunt May should totally been able to see all these webs right here also that lamp he just destroyed is back on the Shelf somehow you start fights at school I don't start that fight did Peter get in trouble for that fight I don't recall any teachers or authority figures within a 10-mile radius of that fight like I saw that happen off screen but on screen no one gave a [ __ ] and I know I'm not your father then stop pretending to be you're not my father cliche Shady wrestling league only uses verbal consent instead of actual legal signed consent it's a cute outfit did your husband give it to you that's racist Jesus really they actually want to murder people with these things I would also point out that this wrestling bigwig guy should totally remember and recognize Peter once Spider-Man hits the news but again they didn't take his signature or even his name so Robert decides the amateur wrestling operation that's where I'll make my score what the hell's the matter with you let him go top reprimand citizen for not doing cop's job Petty Thief randomly shoots and kills Uncle Ben out of all the people in New York City just a question are there any superhero movies where the hero's parents or Guardians don't die car crash head on into a steel gate does nothing to hurt the driver the robber lost his gun here that's why he pulled out this stupid knife but then when Peter kicks him he suddenly has a gun again also this must have surprised him too because he doesn't even use it on Spider-Man with a clear shot the police who were right on this first tail when he arrived at this abandoned building take forever to find him allowing Peter to have his revenge Peter remembers this wrong full pipe causes Thief to trip and fall through a window so that morally Spider-Man gets his Vengeance but didn't straight up kill a guy the NYPD called on a cop boat to help take down one [ __ ] nobody bothered to call Aunt May during all this her father got the place in New York so we're all set this way odd choice of words aren't you already in New York are you doing that Martin Scorsese thing and quiz show where Queens is not New York unwanted touch in this shot but not so touchy feely in the next shot this article copy pastes eight lines of the story from the left column to the right because no one at Sony had time to write more than a total of 15 lines for the fake news article also Sean Young wasn't it John Young in the last article NYPD fired their spokesperson over this Spider-Man damn he stinks and I don't like him average everyday YouTube commenter he's leaving notes now what is the Iron Monkey we sold out four printings dude trying to convince obvious bottom line motivated guy the front page story is good Waits until the very end to drop his best piece of evidence also we in the audience get to spend a few more seconds in the ADHD fun house that is Jay Jonah Jameson's newspaper office no Mary Jane left the diner quite a while ago and was out of sight her [ __ ] boss somehow expected to see her standing out here and give this embarrassing ultimatum in front of Peter tell me who she is Norman plays the pronoun game so that Peter has to ask who the hell he's talking about Peter grips away his identity with a series of photographs so good so varied and so up close and personal that even a child would know that only Spider-Man himself could have taken them geez a movie with this much CGI can't bother to remove the ing lion logos from the Oscorp building after the world Unity Festival World Unity Festival Macy Gray see this is what happens when you book a music act for your movie immediately after their debut single but before actually waiting to see if there'll be a long lasting star or just fade back into musical obscurity I mean honestly at this point Macy Gray is probably more well known for being in this movie than for that try to say goodbye and I choke song right Peter starts taking pictures for no reason at all and somehow lands on Harry and Mary Jane then Harry spots Peter in the crowd below that's some sinful [ __ ] right there I know he's getting revenge on the oscore people but is he so mad that he'll potentially bomb his son too Mary Jane is in some kind of danger cliche what's the bigger sin the terrible aim of the high-tech next-gen glider and its pilot or the fact that no random citizens were harmed during this machine gun Chase Subway Bandits strike again where was Spider-Man during that he should know I'm crazy about it it's just you know you never made a move bro code violation in all 50 states [ __ ] I guess Peter's spidey sense just took a day off didn't it so Peter gets money for taking pictures of Spider-Man but he's not credited in the paper for taking them you're an amazing creature Spider-Man geez we're only in the first movie and the villain is already trying to team up with someone well we could destroy cause the deaths of countless innocence and selfish battle again and again and again until we're both dead or you could just kill Spider-Man now Green Goblin allows time for Spider-Man to think about teaming up rather than demanding an answer now which would make the decision to kill him a lot easier should he say no they said I needed acting lessons urged to make snarky remark so strong right now 1975 New York City decides to assault Mary Jane Mary Jane is in some kind of danger cliche whoa this suddenly turned into the best movie ever seriously no time for the mask at all also wait a minute he clearly had the mask on when he was on the rooftops a minute ago I guess he lost it masks are always just slipping off people's faces these days look maybe it's an alley so dark that you can't see faces maybe it's not all I know is there appear to be a lot of Street lamps on around here and MJ should totally see Peter's face right now and he managed to put that mask on more quickly than he lost it you have a knack for getting in trouble Mary Jane doesn't recognize Spider-Man's obvious Peter Parker voice scenes does not contain an upside down lap dance okay so what were the responsible adults who were watching the baby doing when the building caught fire special effects are special did this need to be a surprise why didn't Green Goblin just fly around the city and throw a bomb or two to draw Spider-Man out also this must be the only thing happening in New York City right now Green Goblin took a risk that the subway Bandits wouldn't be striking again at this hour out Gabby out of your mind wrong answer oh my God what the hell is this Green Goblin threw a bomb earlier that turned people into skeletons not to mention those other really effective just plain explodey bombs he threw before that but now in a cramped space Goblin throws this bull look I'm sorry Peter should have caught the blood drop and probably could have done it too does he need both hands and both feet to stick to this ceiling probably not as it is the blood drops to the floor Norman hears it now we're supposed to swallow the fact that Peter ran across the ceiling out the window and underneath the balcony without making one noise Green Goblin failed to remove Spider-Man's mask earlier in the film when he kidnapped him so that we could enjoy this scene of realization finally kicking in and also to add about 20 minutes to the total run time those eyes it was horrible yellow eyes Aunt May says just enough Before Peter is thrown out to give him all the info he needs you're not Superman you know DC Comics Mary Jane is in some kind of danger cliche let's die the woman you love or suffer the little children we interrupt the Spider-Man movie to bring you the hero has to choose moment from Batman Forever [Music] most convenient barge in the history of barges while that took forever also Green Goblin wastes everyone's time including the audiences by not having some bombs ready for this scenario oh [ __ ] already she's not Spider-Man right someone has amazing timing and aim to hit the goblin underneath the bridge like this band together in a crisis cliche [ __ ] finally wow okay one more bomb right one more bomb oh [ __ ] you're gonna monologue now aren't you Spider-Man suddenly shows strength that he did not show through this entire fight because Green Goblin threatened MJ villain's arm thrusts through the rubble and or nuclear waste cliche as we watch Goblin summon his glider into this mess I start wondering where is that sleeping potion he used earlier that was a good weapon godspeed Spider-Man dude this is like the millionth time you've opened your mouth and let Spider-Man live oh even though Goblin's glider was clearly shown to have been within inches of his face he's still allowed to say oh for Laughs before the glider warps back into the screen Norman Osborne just happens to get buried in the same Cemetery as Ben Parker right because you recognize the kiss but not the voice that completely makes sense to live a life of responsibility life she can never be a part of except by constantly getting kidnapped and requiring rescue Pizzeria misspells Bleaker on their helmet decals I will lose the customer forever I tell you he was gonna go to Pizza yurt if you didn't deliver these pizzas on time because that's odd that in all of New York City worry about only one pizza place taking your business Peter actually wastes most of his time trying to deliver the pizzas on his moped instead of using superpowers Pizza Sheriff [ __ ] who can't work a bungee cord instead prize open one box and somehow slides out one piece of pizza without all the cheese and sliding off okay so Peter comes out of the janitor closet because he had to change out of his Spider-Man outfit but how did this receptionist Miss Spider-Man with a bunch of pizzas walking into the janitor closet in the first place mysterious ceiling panel or is he Batman Peter tries to sell a Photoshop picture as a real photo apparently attends ass face University so how are things going at Oscorp oh they're great I'm head of Special Projects what how many years have passed since the last movie Aunt May later says it's two that's nowhere near long enough for Harry as portrayed in these movies to ever be anything at Oscorp other than the head of half-assing or manager of macking on chicks we're about to make a break for Infusion fusion fusion fusion fusion man Hollywood really knows how to jump on the bandwagon and ride it for decades don't they we're actually funding one of your Idols paid Otto Octavius I'm writing a paper on him I know what a crazy coincidence hey hey you're still here yeah I mean this is the house where you got verbally abused and [ __ ] why the [ __ ] would you stick around after the party to hang there intelligence is not a privilege it's a gift and you use it for the good of mankind you might even say that with great intelligence comes great oh [ __ ] it did Beethoven sleep before he wrote the fifth did Bernoulli sleep before he found the curves of quickest descent brown nosing he was studying science and I was studying English literature but I was trying to explain the theory of relativity wow that must have been one hell of an opening line to talk to a girl hello my name is Otto Octavius measurements of various quantities are relative to the velocities of observers I'm going to a symposium on Quantum mechanic later you should come if you want to get a woman to fall in love with you Freedom poetry never fails it fails the [ __ ] is he doing he already turned down Mary Jane because he's Spider-Man and could still have her if he wanted but now he's brushing up on poetry because also Peter reads poetry aloud in a laundromat Peter Spidey sends his blissfully unaware of danger 30 feet behind him there were a lot of cop cars behind Peter when he made this leap but all the traffic in this Lane is gone when he lands so that he could have a cute moment with these kids his voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity discount actress wrestler announcer guy from the first movie decided to pursue his dream of being a theater usher in the second your time has expired Peter was only talking for one minute but the Payphone requests more money anyway Otto skips over his [ __ ] miraculous cerebellum attached smart bionic arm invention to get to what ultimately is his failed Fusion reactor experiment now I developed this inhibitor chip to protect my higher brain functions another miraculous invention glossed over like it's nothing what other world-changing inventions has Auto created and tossed aside in his path to Fusion now wearing the inhibitor chip gives a person cancer so I had to cure that before I could proceed with my research brilliant thoughtful scientist thinks that this is just a spike couldn't Spidey have slung a bunch of webs and unplugged the fusion reactor or why didn't he just kind of walk over and unplug them rather than jumping to the ceiling and announcing it with great power comes great shards of glass that will kill your wife Otto's wife looks good for someone who got glassed in the face oh we interrupt the Spider-Man movie to bring you Revenge of the Sith this Bank offers a free toaster for opening an account with 300 in it what is this the 50s Peter just happens to be at the bank when Doc Ock decides to rob it man in sunglasses hat and long dark trench coat stand staring at the bank vault for way longer than any bank would allow without some kind of security checking in also do banks just have their huge safe and public view aren't those usually tucked in the back somewhere spidey sense is kind of gone isn't it oh that boy yours is a real hero irony what the hell kind of Bank keeps gold coins loose in bags in their vault those fun things are chocolates Peter's Powers go out during the bank fight enough to further his own self-doubt but return just in time to keep him from actually getting killed because of their absence random victim is not random hand her over of course because this can't be a ruse at all man it's a good thing she brought this umbrella even though it's the sunniest day ever and that she remembered it when she fled the bank and that she never dropped it during doc Ox kidnapping anime is grabbed by Dr Octopus but we never hear him climb up to her level which is impossible when he has four metal claws grabbing into brick to climb the building all right man that old lady in the Vigilante are out of the way open fire on that bad guy in the apartment building full of people behind him we sure showed him you sound exactly like my nephew it would explain a lot ah but [ __ ] it Mary Jane just happens to be dating Jay Jonah Jameson's son not my best friend who cares so much about me whoa whoa whoa there maybe they're best friends in the comics or something but in these movies they haven't come close to establishing any kind of best friend relationships and I just want you all to know that the beautiful miss Mary Jane Watson it's just agreed to marry me this is what we call an orgy of evidence that Peter's life sucks ass right now I mean this is a nasty spill and if the webs aren't working wouldn't the super strength also be failing even with super strength can you survive a fall like this later he tries to climb the wall and falls and his vision starts sucking but strength all good Peter took this newspaper from the dumpster all the way home just so Sam Raimi could have this cool little transition shot these blurry extras are all smiling and watching Tobey Maguire do this silly walk take real New Yorkers did not stop and stare at silly Walkers borderline is Tau equals zero the eye is [Music] easy freeze frame Mary Jane didn't even hail this cap the driver doesn't even look like he knows she's about to get in give me a 50 bucks I could get more than that on eBay all right 100 this guy accepts a measly 100 for the Spidey costume because Jonah and the movie Just Usher him out without an argument 1977 New York City attacks a guy in broad daylight with thousands of people walking by well there used to be thousands of people walking by but they cleared out so Peter could reflect on his goals and ideals where are you Harry's obsession with finding Spider-Man never included following Peter around or having him follow also Harry thinks he can find Spider-Man by tracking him via newspaper article your father only obsessed over his work discount Alfred pennyworth kill Spider-Man we'll give you all the tritium you need or you could just torture Harry now and get it that way oh no Spider-Man 1 got spliced into this movie someone's child is in the burning building cliche this doorknob would be scalding hot in a burning building the no-powered Peter Parker holds onto a ledge while carrying a kid and this movie's suspension of disbelief [Music] trapped on the fourth floor I don't know if only Peter still had the powers of Spider-Man he could totally have not saved that guy anyway where are all my comic books oh those Dreadful things I gave those away Aunt May is a Philistine Henry and I agree we don't see his picture in the paper anymore was there a chance you might disagree about that kids like Henry need a hero courageous self-sacrificing people diabetics having a sugar low have been known to pop the scene of the movie in to help give their glucose levels a boost surely there's a safer way for Peter to figure out if he could be Spider-Man again like that time in the first one where he was just trying to climb a wall or spin a web I guess Peter never needed Spidey powers to survive Falls like this I'm back on the moon wow lucky for Peter and MJ that his powers just happened to start working again one second before they were both crushed by a car also doc Ott throws a [ __ ] car at the one guy he needs to get his precious tritium how did Dr Octopus know that Peter would be here so Doc Ock threw a car from some hidden place around where these people are running with perfect accuracy into a coffee shop that he should have had no idea Peter was actually in that should definitely have killed him Mary Jane is in some kind of danger cliche even though Peter's mind believed that he was no longer Spider-Man the power of boners is stronger well I won't be needing these ever again for any reason forever and ever hey guys quick question where is this web attaching itself when Spider-Man swings over to this clock tower ah the downtown Manhattan elevated train they shot this movie half a century ago you know or in Chicago throws one person at a time so that Spidey has a chance to save them considers the throwing people off the train idea of failure when he could have just upped the ante by throwing more people he's got four claws he could throw four people and at the same time rather than that one by one [ __ ] during a life or death situation this guy decides to be a dick to the one guy who can save everyone on the train that is one great shot of paper football Jesus symmetry something oh wow the mask that he tore off while riding on top of the subway 30 blocks ago good find we won't tell nobody New Yorkers man together in a crisis cliche and the tritium oh that we keep that in a safe here in the penthouse bedroom science storage facility wait a second earlier he was unconscious and then woke up and was so weak that Doc Ock didn't have any trouble taking him prisoner now he wakes up from a second coma and suddenly he's fully rested and strong like Comas are like refilling your health bar or something father [Music] there are bigger things happening here just say your father tried to kill me with the blades on his glider and I dodged it and it hit him instead that's not a very long sentence Mary Jane is in some kind of danger cliche this ball of fusion is pulling the building apart and even pulling random taxi cabs and other cars over in the city but then Spider-Man and AK take like five minutes to get around to stopping it and somehow the world hasn't evaporated yet robotic smart arms have the same weakness as the aliens and signs some to do what's right we have to be steady and give up the thing we want the most even our dreams and with great power comes great responsibility it means Luca Brazzi sleeps with the fishes Rosebud here's looking at you kid that escalated quickly coffee is for closers only if only there was some sort of powers I had that I could use to sling you to safety the river drown it oh wow the self-sustaining ball of fusion power also has the same weakness as the aliens from signs Mary Jane is in some kind of danger cliche I guess Aunt May was wrong in the first movie Spider-Man is Superman I will always be Spider-Man unless I get depressed or have an identity crisis or whatever it was that caused me to lose my powers in this movie I'm alive and you Harry look in the first movie Norman became insane after he tried to inject himself with that serum but Harry becomes insane because Spider-Man 3 has to happen convenient mirror smashing leads Harry to the Green Goblin Lair complete with everything he needs where is your [ __ ] spider sense right [ __ ] now you [ __ ] idiot previously on Spider-Man also you know the opening credit sequence is going to be as long as [ __ ] when it takes two minutes to show footage from the first movie and you haven't even gotten to the second movie yet long as opening credit sequence is more than three minutes long yet another [ __ ] baby saved from another burning building thank God we didn't actually see it again Parker dumbass Professor can't see the glaring reflection of light that Peter is shielding his eyes from this is the Mary Jane Watson career path to acting stardom perfume billboard ads stage play Third billing in a Broadway musical for someone who can't sing for sure this is an interesting strategy two fat guys sit next to the smaller put upon main character and squish him cliche they say that falling in love is wonderful all the seats are still filled in the theater after this opening lyric where is Harry Osborne's handlebar mustache he could be twirling it right now I need to talk to you explain things things I could have easily explained in one short sentence back when you first found out I was Spider-Man but had to delay saying so that this movie we're in right now could even exist you see when sound waves say propagate then it's like an and you are such a nerd she said it we didn't terrible student from the first film has grown smart enough in a handful of years to be building hovergliners and perfecting chemical serums and [ __ ] wet panic three shooting stars in a row are you [ __ ] kidding me I'd like to sing on stage for the rest of my life good luck on that one also don't say your wish is out loud you stupid idiot no wonder you end up getting fired Venom space projectile conveniently lands a few yards from Peter allowing the rest of this movie to happen Secret of the Ooze also evil from space it's one thing to create super villains from hubris but now alien life what's next the leprechaun after the hairy serum scene and the Venom scooter attachment scene we definitely need to go straight into yet another villain setup scene on observant cops or unobservant Flint Marco Waits all of two car lengths before popping out of his hiding spot to watch the cops drive away unlock child's bedroom window in a sketchy part of town also sick child cliche also all the letters he sent got returned cliche cops looking for escaped convict wait a good while before checking his wife and kids house Peter woke his aunt up at 2 10 in the morning Peter is a dick to ants in this ring dazzling in front of me I thought it was the sun oh no you didn't we've been married 50 years if it wasn't for you well I don't know how Harry knew that Peter would be driving his moped around this hour on this street but action time also Peter's spidey sense needs to get [ __ ] fired oh come on that thing fell and bounced and is definitely lost forever if you're gonna say the ring wants to be found because it has a mind of its own then it should never fly out of his control in the first [ __ ] place oh wait this isn't The Hobbit is it is this movie saying he's already healed in three minutes or is the movie saying these blades that made him scream didn't actually break the skin super serum must make you invincible I thought it just made you strong and fast it just broke out of Rikers why were all the letters he wrote to his daughter from Wrightstown New Jersey Rikers is in the Bronx he's on the Run he's in the Marshland I think we got him cop Waits until fugitives nearly captured to tell police captain there is even a fugitive in the first place also we couldn't catch him when he was at his family's apartment but we think we got him now in the marshlands you know the second most obvious place to find a fugitive Flint apparently had no issue with the razor wire on the top of this fence this particle physics lab leaves Open Spaces in the ground so that anything can fall into it also even though it's supposedly dark outside it looks bright enough that Flint should have seen this huge hole before falling in the best particle physics tests take place at three in the morning there's a change in the Silicon Mass that's probably a bird it'll fly away when we fire it up and this is me giving you the bird police chasing the guy are far enough behind to miss the whole damn incident cliche he's gonna be okay but there's been some memory impairment particularly short-term memory wow what are the odds is it permanent it could be only time will tell Sounds like Harry has screenwriters discretion disease her father he died right Harry conveniently loses his memory all the way to the most crucial moment so that he and Peter can be friends again I'm sorry I'm gonna have to ask you guys to scoot okay what an [ __ ] this is a pretty awesome sequence actually but did the science people conduct an experiment on this sand and then just go home immediately without checking on the effects of said experiment wait how did the locket survive the particle physics thing shouldn't Flint be part locket right now damn this goo hitched a ride on the back of Peter's motorcycle and then just decided to crash at his place for a while does it have a plan to infect Peter Parker or does it just need a place to stay what is that thing doing in my background this guy says this before the thing in question actually comes into view in the background in the next shot also there's Club Music blaring and the photographer is straight out of Zoolander but this isn't a high fashion shoot it's not even a high energy shoot it's a photo shoot for a print ad for a photocopier When Stacy just happens to be in the building where Spider-Man needs to save the day polite debris Gwen has nothing to hold on to in order to prevent this fall but everyone can be Spider-Man in this universe I work in the Daily Bugle and um Dave your daughter but this series of unbelievable coincidences doesn't matter right now I'm just here to take pictures movie unintentionally inspires the cheesy turning of the crane sequence in unnecessary rights related reboot five years later man people are taking an orgy of pills in this movie first we have Flint's daughter and then there was Aunt May and now Jonah this movie subliminally wants me to take drugs doesn't I know Sam Ramey loves his brother but I don't also who the [ __ ] are these girls are they like newspaper slogan pitch meeting cheerleaders wow they gave Stanley actual dialogue I like his cameos better when he's silently listening to headphones or nearly getting squashed by Falling debris he always appreciated how you helped me through High School see Harry is [ __ ] dumb they fired her from the show but security didn't get the memo any sooner than Mary Jane did but you doing here oh Gary was supposed to call her agent Gary was supposed to call her agent cliche couldn't the critics just be okay with Mary Jane so that this didn't bog down the movie also how can Mary Jane's talent agency be so terrible they don't forward the message that she's been fired from the play but be so [ __ ] insanely good as to land her the gig in the first place when she can't sink for [ __ ] one critic no all the papers dear so do Broadway shows really fire lead actresses after one performance if the reviews are bad enough and if they do how do the directors and the producers of that show get any work ever again considering they just publicly outed themselves as absolutely terrible at judging singing Talent there's no way Mary Jane would think this Applause is for her since everyone is facing the other way towards Spider-Man right now also I know we want Mary Jane to have a shitty moment here but these people all start clapping way the hell before any of them could have known Spidey was about to swing by also New York City city of 10 million where any coincidence you dream up is possible including Spider-Man swinging by to a standing ovation just as Mary Jane finds out she's fired Sandman just happens to be near a sand truck when the cops identify him is this cop gonna try and murder Flint with a shovel are you [ __ ] kidding me also there's the NYPD again firing wildly at an occupied building in the middle of the day no um wrong comical property he's with DC now go ahead lay one on me Peter is a dick to his girlfriend Sandman conveniently flies past the Spider-Man key to the city celebration on his way to rob an armored car the wrestling announcer turned theater Usher from the first two movies now lives his lifelong dream of being a maitre d you have no idea I know exactly how you feel oh look Peter and MJ are having the same argument still it's not a Sam Raimi Spider-Man movie without a scene of Peter leaving an answering machine message for MJ while MJ stands there listening originally we thought that this man Dennis Carradine was your husband's killer we were wrong we captured a guy we think actually did it but we never told you until he escaped from prison turns out Mr Carradine was only an accomplice to the robbery of the wrestling match this movie is already too damn long and now here's a 10-minute scene that wouldn't remotely be necessary if we weren't trying to literally re-rank the previous movies just to make this movie's plot make sense so Carradine Rob an amateur wrestling operation ran out and then had to go find his accomplice who was supposed to steal some car somewhere so they could get away Carradine didn't need any help with the robbery what the [ __ ] plan is that man it's about time this goo paid rent right also Venom cam don't let any of that get on you it has the characteristics of a symbiote which needs to bond to a host to survive or hang out in an apartment for a week getting stoned or whatever goo does all bad guys can tell when Spider-Man is sneaking up on them cliche Flint Marco has the same weakness as the aliens from science good thing for him it hasn't rained yet in this movie good riddance dude mud gets dry again at some point there's really no reason to just assume off the bat that Flint Marco will never be seen again hell you only just found out water was his weakness 10 seconds ago are you absolutely sure you understand how his sand properties work character must have a forced physical change to parallel their emotional change cliche we interrupt the Spider-Man movie to bring you something that has no business whatsoever in a Spider-Man movie I fall seriously there's no reason whatsoever why Mary Jane would do this she would in reality say hey Harry's going to try and kill you and he wants me to pretend to break up with you to hurt your feelings first go kick his ass because you're [ __ ] Spider-Man and he's [ __ ] hairy and you nearly killed him the last time and you weren't even ready for that fight end of movie roll credits what dude Peter he's obviously in the cafe bathroom or possibly crawling around on the floor of the cafe those are the only two options Harry Osborne is not capable of Disappearing completely in a whisper like Batman and if we're being honest here I mean truly being honest Batman shouldn't be able to do it either but at least that [ __ ] is an actual trained ninja and [ __ ] geez Spider-Man can't sneak up on anyone well here we are 45 minutes of the movie left Peter and Harry are now fighting over a woman we haven't met Venom yet and Sandman is still out there they've got a lot to establish and wrap up in the link of a Law and Order episode These Girls are looking at Peter like he's a jackass which he is but strangely the secretary of the newspaper actually does want to [ __ ] emo Peter oh [ __ ] I forgot all about Flynn Marco oh wait no only Peter did and I guess Sam Remy for the last 30 minutes of the movie and oh look despite the fact that he has nothing but particles of sand drifting through the sewer water he was able to still hold on to that locket somehow I am watching Spider-Man right did I walk into the wrong Auditorium hey it's raining I hope Flint Marco grabbed an umbrella somewhere Brock just happens to go to church at the same time spotting goes to church to deal with his identity crisis yeah Brock bells are a completely strange noise to hear in a church you should totally act shocked that you heard a bell and then go check it out damn you can just go anywhere in this church especially if the plot needs you to be venom for the last 30 minutes of the movie Parker there is no way that he sees this is Peter from all the way down here here's what this movie needed a third villain Sandman was waiting for Spider-Man in a random alley somewhere I want to kill the spider you want to kill the spider villains team up to kill the hero cliche creepy Uncle newscaster the hostage has been identified as Mary Jane Watson Mary Jane is in some sort of danger cliche also is this the exposition News Network we're now going to take you live to the scene now that I've spent five minutes setting the stage gee I hope none of the details I just listed have changed during the time it took me to list all those details the blade it pierced his body came from his glider what does this guy have short-term memory loss too why did he wait like three to five years to tell Harry this [ __ ] also I know that because in my spare time I'm an expert forensic scientist for my spider sense is tingling if you know what I'm talking about this movie doesn't even know what you're talking about but good boner reference Goblin ex machina so here's Goblin flying from behind a building so from where did he throw that ball did he throw it and then go hide somewhere films extra this little girl was setting up this burn for quite a while then because she was pantomiming taking photographs long before he tried buying her camera Venom takes several minutes off from this fight just to chill and regain his strength or something I guess he's certainly not on camera for a good five minutes or more yeah but since he's made up entirely of sand and can keep bonding himself back into one piece what the [ __ ] does this actually mean Eddie suit you gotta take it off oh you like that wouldn't you why doesn't he just kill Spider-Man now it's not like Eddie has ever been a good person this entire movie what kind words are gonna appeal to him now that he's Venom my daughter was dying I needed money so naturally I robbed the underground wrestling cash register and I saw my partner running over with the cash and the gun was in my hand so now we're back at the horse story about Flint killing Ben but now no one is responsible for killing Ben it was an accident everyone is good I'm not asking you to forgive me good because you're still kind of a bad person whatever battle we have raging inside us we always have a choice my friend Harry taught me that he chose to be the best of himself only after finding out you didn't kill his father hide and seek scene does not end with Peter fighting 2019 Samara weaving in a bloody white dress carrying a shotgun man this whole Peter's parents or spy subplot reminds me of this really fun storyline in the early 90s and The Amazing Spider-Man where Peter's parents show back up after having been missing all his life and they end up not actually being his parents and the whole thing is a ruse set up by the chameleon but this also reminds me we've never gotten the goddamn chameleon Spider-Man's first major villain as an antagonist in any of these Spider-Man films and yeah he's gonna be in that Crave in the hunter movie but that doesn't count you know it Sony the shot makes sense because we want to see little Peter Eve dropping but where did he come from that corner behind the TV how and when would he have snuck back there this Peter placement suggests he at some point ran across this open hallway to get behind the TV and none of the adults noticed and I'm just curious why they didn't do the typical child is halfway down the dark staircase listening to the adults downstairs who were arguing cliche and get on with it crust on the sandwiches he likes to sleep with a little light on it needy kids be good dad's last words the little Peter are be good and you do not even know how much trauma that would cause a child this movie skips that and goes straight to the spider bite but imagine if it had spawned the guilt of not living up to Dad's last words into his motivation for being Spider-Man that could have been cool instead it just dumps his motivation all on the once again dead Uncle Ben you want to keep that skateboard Peter Parker somehow can't help but skateboard inside the high school hallways which seems stupidly impulsive and selfish it's worth pointing out that Peter Parker stops here to take Gwen's picture without her permission but when we made a stupid horny Wishful lap dance joke about this moment everybody lost their minds mind you they have only rebooted this franchise a couple times but I don't know why they always have to start back at high school Peter we really need to see his origin again and he doesn't even meet Gwen in the comic still college and these two look like they're in their mid-20s Grant even has a college level intern job at Oscorp why is this high school I'm making spaghetti and meatballs tonight spaghetti again don't stretch yourself so hard at me I feel bad you spent so much time letting the water do all the work so skating being this bad at lying wasting a perfectly good stake by adhering to an outdated idea that cold steaks help heal black eyes and other wounds more quickly by drawing out the bad items in the black eye when in reality it was just cold and served as a really expensive ice pack Frozen bag of peas does the job at 1 15 the cost ice pack is even better this movie was released in 2012 and that is way too recent to be wasting steaks like this I don't care if the freezer shorted out due to the flooding you go upstairs and remove everything from the freezer that is not steak and you put all these steaks in there and he ran to the lesson [Applause] you look just like him he does not [ __ ] with someone's finished Rubik's cube without explicit consent he's pretty Uncle Ben points out the attractiveness of Gwen Stacy instead of explaining to Peter why it's super stalkery and creepy that he has multiple photos of her on his computer as curious and technologically gifted as Peter is I'm finding it hard to believe he has never binged his dad before so I find it almost impossible to believe he has never come across the name and picture of Kurt Connors prior to now also ten years later and we're still giving a ding to Bing got it okay Mr Guevara Peter is able to waltz into a highly secretive lab like Oscorp and grab a name tag and no one asks him for his ID first where I go you go that's the basic rule wait where'd you go they are obligated to go by rule because if you stop to use the restroom things are going to get complicated pretty quickly the woman at the front desk had an awkward encounter with Peter and I'm pretty sure this name would be familiar enough to her to at least look into the possibility that this screaming kid is indeed Rodrigo Guevara seriously did nowhere in NYC in 2012 check driver's licenses or some form of identification I'm a scientist and I'm the world's foremost authority on herpetology that's reptiles for those of you who don't know herpetology is the study of reptiles but it's not only the study of reptiles it's also the study of amphibians and Dr Kurt cockings would absolutely know that am I being picky yes I am also welcome to the channel this must be your first time hope you try the banana bread before you leave I want to create a world without weakness referring to disabilities as weaknesses I love how all these scientists are like yep totally normal that a tour group left the room and one of its students is lawyering around it's down trapped science on while I am skeptical that Peter could have seen this from this distance and recreated the pattern perfectly later himself I'm going to choose to sin that the super secret probably illegal wing of Oscorp has a single dual pattern with your finger security checkpoint oh thank fingerprints no rental scan no physical key just discount kindergarten Simon says so Oscorp is clearly a mass studying the strength of spider webs but no one who works here can see Spider-Man later and put two and two together also willingly entering a room full of thousands of spiders Peter lets a metric ton of spiders fall on him before he moves toward an exit now my husband is dying Dr khanas save him we both lose our head or and hear me out here just let him die and then he can't take your heads and now you guys are in charge can't tell me the board of this company has charged an executive and a researcher with saving the life of the company founder or else you're fired no one whips out a phone and starts recording this thereby forever proving who the future Spider-Man is on the island next stop oh he's a Long Way from Home in Queens and he apparently got on the wrong facing crane after his bug bite and yep he ran home [Music] probabilities that only [ __ ] a bathroom and I'm not sure it ever comes up again Peter uses Bing the search for information about spider bites when he knows full well he was bitten by a unique and genetically altered spider and therefore Bing will not have any more answers for him than it has for anyone who uses Bing for any other search where do we go from here no one bats an eye here if I saw a person do this in real life I would set myself on fire and run around screaming nothing is real that you're on his computer I'm his probation officer Martin Sheen had to tell all of Charlie's friends in high school somehow makes its way into the script no I didn't feel like a community service that's funny because the movie is going to basically suggest his spidermaning is his community service but the moving will never again return to this punished weight how the [ __ ] could a school principal order a teenager to community service while Peter struggles to flirt I'm just curious why the school has no Hall monitors but Peter got in trouble and went to the principal's office but is Gwen doing out of class right now the skateboard jumped from 20 feet up somehow does not break the board and two upon impact well others disagreed you know what if the device were loaded with a toxin which seems like a very fair and conscious thought process so why is the machine still even at Oscorp why not destroy it the legal implications are so Stark I'm shocked you kept the same thing many of these wonderful creatures have so brilliantly adapted that they can regenerate entire limbs at will regeneration in a lizard is an automatic process there is no will involved this would be like saying humans grow fingernails and hair it will enter the algorithm now oh [ __ ] this is not a tour It's a Robbery of Peter's formula and it's going to sort of work but Peter signed nothing to protect his IP rights here as the inventor of the process and I've seen The Spanish Prisoner enough times to know that the inventor largely gets the shaft you need to take that and then Peter pushes the green accept call icon instead of the red hang up icon and yet the call hangs up holy [ __ ] but also he was supposed to pick up Aunt May tonight at nine and somehow Dr Connors has stayed up here working with a teenage high schooler on some Advanced genetic math because he's desperate to grow a new arm and also he doesn't know who the [ __ ] Aunt May is and Peter should answer this [ __ ] call but also why is this doctor dude keeping a high school kid up here this late at night all alone you are your aunt an apology big time I'm not sure if we're doing an apology is going to come off as very sincere Peter come back here please I was so concerned about Peter not picking you up and leaving you alone walking in the New York city streets at night that I'm now going to leave you home alone with the front door completely useless and anyone could come in and do whatever they wanted you can leave a penny you can't take a penny a lot of horrible things happen right after this and Peter is being a total dick but this guy also 100 deserves to be robbed little help not my policy changing the scenario from the comics and the first Remy film is fine in theory but the logic of the store clerk doesn't jibe with the logic of the guy who owned the wrestling joint does this guy really expect a high school kid to run down a thief who could be carrying a gun and who knows what else at least in the wrestling scene they don't know Peter is just a kid and they just watched him manhandle a professional wrestler they're trying to stick a square spider in a round hole and I don't like it the scene is a lot less sad if you imagine he's literally asking the rice company to come and save the dying person in front of him like Ricky Bobby's scatter shooting is pleased to all the gods including Oprah Winfrey and Tom Cruise misses field please come help me food brands named after people there's one there's one star tattooed on his left hand which I'm telling you on the off chance you have recently been bitten by a radioactive spider and now possess superhuman strength and are thinking about scouring the streets every night looking for him also that tattoo is on his wrist and not his hand police should be a little more specific if they want to be helpful this police sketch is objectively hilarious all we can really learn from this sketch is that the dude had long hair looks like a poster for they live this looks like Brad Pitt feels better right cooked all right flash is definitely a dick most of the time but this movie really does a great job at giving the character multiple layers it also causes Peter to come off more like a dick and for a while he's extremely unlikable which is not a great trait for your protagonist to have you like beating on girls this little Peter goes out every night to try and find the man with the tattoo feels a lot more in line with Batman than Spider-Man but what's even stranger is that once the lizard starts wreaking havoc this storyline is dropped and never brought back up even in the terrible sequel this guy is still out there presumably Peter eventually doesn't care to even find him anymore I'm not sure if that makes Peter less or more of a nephew but it's weird I mean that's not really saving the gong and if he did have the tattoo Peter was just going to let him fall to his death Peter falls into a wrestling Arena and does every film adaptation of Spider-Man have to do the whole wrestling inspiration for the costume thing all right we have a shaded lamp in the background a desk lamp in front of him that is pointed at the laptop and a laptop which might be providing some ambient light but what the [ __ ] light source is shining bright on his left shoulder and bicep let's see how a flood light up in the corner above the closet door like if your webs don't work right here then you're basically wearing a HUD sucker at least Toby tested this two or three stories high and not skyscraper level no one sees this in New York City during the [ __ ] day oh come on you know better than anyone and the weight of the bobbin any pendulum has no effect on swing speed foreign maybe Peter found this guy decided to wait for a cute gotcha moment in a stolen car despite his anger boner over this guy's possible killing of Uncle Ben then I guess he realizes this dude is casing a valet lot breaks into the car himself first just so he can surprise the thief in style the only other option is that he snuck in their back in the front of the restaurant when the key hand off was made to the valet but someone definitely would have seen him in that case crotch crotch listen stop get off man this version of Spidey also leans harder into his trolley sense of humor than the other versions have this [ __ ] crazy cop shoots at Spider-Man who's right in front of the webbed up car thief the cop thinks is an innocent victim he almost killed that guy hey watch out I was thinking I would send the ridiculous idea that Peter would be old enough to have any knowledge of Midnight Cowboy but he does have that damn rear window poster in his bedroom to be honest that poster still bugs the [ __ ] out of me so let's send that instead so 38 the New York's finest versus one guy in a unit turret casting Dennis Leary in a movie and having his character complain about an establishment cliche look at me Peter this emotional moment brought to you by JanSport across species genetics is finally working thanks to a formula from a high school kid that I convinced him to give up without a contract you have to start human trials only a profit-minded CEO in a capitalist society would insist on going straight from a single successful rat test amongst dozens of dead rats in the same test to human trials I won't he will have your office cleared out by the mind he only has one arm this is an unreasonable request who the [ __ ] would know how to answer this question I'd never heard of Branzino until I saw this movie and yes it is mentioned again in Tom Holland's homecoming and that's hella weird but my point here is that no regular Queen's high school boy would have an answer for a first world question like this villain only becomes a villain because they touch their shaky science on themselves cliche your door man is intimidating 20 stories that excuse should not work no door man is so intimidating that you would rather climb 20 flights of fire escape stairs can you really climb up the fire escape like that without other people who live in the building calling the cops Gwen expects Peter to have worn a suit to a weeknight dinner at her house without telling him to as she met a high school boy before walking into your teenage daughter's room without knocking first I feel like branzina Branzino Brands I know no [Music] hand placentas I'm gonna hold an Avenue across the river I'm in a hurry has anyone ever gotten into a cab and said I'm headed to X location but I'm hoping you'll take three hours to get me there dude sees that and then actually starts driving as opposed to getting out of the car and running away as fast as possible Peter spends dinner arguing with the police father of the girl he likes because he's super defensive about being Spider-Man when I would think and I was led to believe that his interest in Gwen was substantial enough that he could see the police dad's point of view and choke down his own insecurities for an hour or two but I guess I was wrong and because of that awkward argument dinner is over literally two and a half minutes after Peter first poked at his fish [Music] oh I'm in trouble no matter how silly and irritating this movie can be Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield's on-screen chemistry is magical but also we have no backpack we have backpacks the sauce Corp dick doesn't go flying into the windshield at this point kid is dry panicking Ponyboy proclaims his pre-teen is on the precipice apparel he saved the kid but the kid's dad is the crane guy from later so is this like kid shadowing chekov's relative it's not nothing is all I'm saying I guess Spider-Man isn't going to check the other dangling cars out I'm not sure saving one kid and letting several other people fall to their deaths is the best PR strategy but you do you Spider-Man hey Gwen meet me on the bleachers during football practice after school it's a natural environment for discussion signed Peter also look at that mud pie of a wrecked track how's the track this [ __ ] up by rain but the football field is fine this is some legendary rain damage here folks it can't host a track meet here for months Lupi has no concept of physics if it thinks a hard thrown football could bend a goal post like this but then again movie is in love with them a stone so it's likely to do some stupid things along the way how would a predator track a reptile it's insane enough that Peter would be asking the question about the lizard to the actual lizard without knowing Dr Connors is the lizard but considering Peter knows Dr Connors is experimenting with cross-species genetics and Peter has just helped him synthesize a potential serum for this to take effect why wasn't Dr Connor's number one on Peter's suspect list afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave a new project I'm working on I need to be alone but instead what happens is Dr Connors leaves and Peter hangs back and snoops around and discovers that Congress is in fact the lizard Peter doesn't even have to be sneaky about it Connor's just leaves him there that's some of the [ __ ] [ __ ] ever how did he get all his [ __ ] down here this is a full Lab in the sewer how and why is there even enough electricity hookups down here why is there a huge flat lab size platform dosage has been increased to 200 milligrams if at first your serum turns you into a giant lizard for 24 hours increase the dosage why are all the lizards attracted to a giant human turned lizard in the sewers this is a pie Piper it's whack you you sure did he though it was more like Spider-Man kicked you and then you ran away between Peter being left in Conor's lab unattended and Peter leaving a camera behind with his name on it for the lizard to find this movie relies on more Insane luck and stupidity than the entire runtime of Police Academy forward citizens on patrol when Peter was initially scratched by the lizard the hand movement was from the top of Peter's chest and then straight down so why are these scratch marks at a diagonal angle correct me if I'm wrong but they've been on one date and that was a pretty quick one because he fought with her dad and then there was a lizard attack both the dad and Peter had to go stop how is this law I refuse to believe that this [ __ ] could tell he was under the Midtown Science High School by the look of the sewers left here take a right here yes I should now be under that High School Peter Parker attends be less than Stellar CGI look at the lizard really makes you miss the Simplicity of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers asked Green Goblin masks they put onto Foe and Raymond's first Spider-Man film I can't get service inside Wendy's but he can take calls in the [ __ ] sewers I spent my life as a scientist trying to create a world without weakness luckily for Peter Connors has queued this video up to start playing at the exact point he starts talking about his big villain plan Gwen Gwen you Mother Hubbard are you serious the original scripts had versions with him calling her London Bridge and ring around the rosie but those references were deemed too cerebral she's a high school student intern I was suspicious enough that her ID card would let her into the building and the lab after hours but how and why does she have a code to evacuate the entire building it's headed towards Corp and your daughter's there right now which is actually my fault but no need to go into trivial details right now oh you're fired not holding your fire Spider-Man appears to be heading towards Oscar he looks injured and it's really not clear if he's gonna make it lucky for Spider-Man though War of the Worlds 2 the next waves see Thomas Howell is watching this convenient news position and also happens to be the guy whose son Spider-Man save and he has access to a bunch of cranes in the city that can be perfectly placed to allow Spider-Man to swing his way to Oscorp it's a saturnalium miracle you like I was literally down on ground level less than 90 seconds ago Spider-Man is not a funeral procession you do not need to stop traffic for Spider-Man both of these guys have been shot earlier tonight and are now seemingly at 100 so I'm not sure why I'm still surprised that they both survived this impact with no injury but I am this is a cool shot but what are we trying to accomplish here the Spider-Man why are we slowing this down and dramatizing it like he's going to fall to his death also this is as good a time as any to point out that none of the live-action Spider-Man movies have provided anywhere near the leaping off of building Thrills and chills that into the spider-verse gave us with the leap of faith he's going to freeze to death and then explode into bits of icy former lizard that's a Demolition Man ending which is weird because Dennis Leary was also a Demolition Man I got this Peter he does not got this seems silly in 2022 to send a too many shotgun firings without a Reload cliche but here we are I appreciate that the fast acting Rehabilitation fog worked and lizard is saving Peter here but this is way too much drama about Peter maybe falling when again he it's Spider-Man you're gonna make enemies people will get hers sometimes people closest to you Jesus Christ man just say protect my daughter and be done then you have a dozen or so more words before you die to say things like I'm actually gay or rapid speech High vocabulary comedy is a verbal version of prop comedy Quinn out of this what does that mean leave her out of the superheroing because that's easy but the movie makes it seem here in a moment like Peter interpreted that request as dump Gwen and be a dick to her I'd take off 1 000 sins if in the midst of all these movie funeral black umbrellas there was a hot pink one she senses Peter is at the brainy funeral and up on the roof above her how the [ __ ] did you that my father died duh I was there everyone was there but you well he was there and you even sensed it by looking up but regardless why the [ __ ] did Peter interpret Mr Stacy's instructions to mean he couldn't even publicly be seen at his funeral she just said Flash Thompson was there Peter being there would not raise any suspicions she is a hundred percent right here and I'm kind of pissed that she ends up dating him again in the sequel I can't see you anymore what is the harder thing to believe in this scene Peter being willing to tell this lie or Gwen believing it why can't he just say your father made me promise to break up with you to keep you from being targeted by Spider-Man's enemies and she's going to figure it out in 10 seconds anyway at number 36 on the door looks rather weathered and Faded even though it should have been recently painted on since Peter broke all the glass earlier in the film when he stormed out after he and Uncle Ben fought neither of these ladders explain how high up the Spider-Man Logo Street Art begins holy that moon is going to crash into the air oh wait that's just the moon in this movie did the movie only do partial science or what 48 seconds of logos including Sony isolating themselves twice the opening shot of this movie is on a watch and it's Swiss mate so you know it's good the time is 6 43 PM but then the security camera here says it's 2105 which according to my math means it's 905 PM that's a full 2 hours and 22 minutes off be good superhero's parents leave somewhere and die in a Marvel movie cliche these two are supposedly escaping into the night with secrets so damning they had to literally abandon their son but they still took a private jet It's gotta be a company jet now is it possible that by chartering this jet you doomed yourselves through sheer paperwork obviousness or did Colonel Jessup doctor these flight logs as well how exactly did this assassin kill the pilot in a way that would have also put blood directly on his hands later we see that he positioned the pilots so as to keep the plane steady and maybe doing that put blood on his hand why didn't you just put that on autopilot and if you're telling me he didn't know how to put the plane on autopilot why not that would be so much simpler than positioning a dead dude's arms to steady a plane [Music] man this assassin guy sure waited a long time to Kill The Parkers if he was sent here for this very reason to stop them from Talking he ain't nearly done [ __ ] up and if the company is one step ahead and has an assassin pilot on board why even let this plane get off the ground at all it's cinematic I suppose but it makes zero sense they say you're a genius why hasn't he killed The Parkers yet why does this guy who is an assassin have to monologue this fight scene shot and edited by turbulence itself but the Spider-Man movies have always been missing honestly is more Air Force One when people ask me where the Amazing Spider-Man 2 went wrong I always blurred out the very first scene before they've even finished asking the question this [ __ ] plane that is [ __ ] died bomb crashing and decompressed with multiple [ __ ] holes and it does not still have a solid [ __ ] Wi-Fi signal this movie exists because the other one exists also did he jump out of a plane this guy is super high above the ground in a free fall above super high buildings I hate everything about the CGI in this shot your rubber Neo it's Spider-Man the director and the prop Master had a massive disagreement over the definition of enough rolled up blueprints movie tries to out Blues Brothers The Blues Brothers I'm sorry I'm running a bit late I got stuck in some traffic bad pun aside not even five minutes ago you were swinging around New York City literally asking for some crime to stop so you were late because you were late and an [ __ ] not because of this current incident or predicament of all the things this movie didn't really have time for the visions of the Dead dad of your girlfriend is the most frustrating holy this movie is asking us to believe Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield's characters are only just enough graduating high school to remind us that time is luck you just told us time is valuable and precious because it ends but time is also luck now it's pretty but doesn't make much sense to me time is only what you make of it and luck will or won't happen depending on how much God hates you Spidey spins in midair to avoid the bullets but I don't know why that matters if you're spraying a hail of bullets at one fixed Target it makes me not able to live with myself Peter would rather keep a promise to a dead guy than live his best life with the woman he loves that's [ __ ] up I'm here to tell you promises to dead people aren't all that important also breaking up in Chinatown also also breaking up in Chinatown Was A the original title of Katy Perry's song Waking Up in Vegas b the original title of the Paris Hilton sex tape see the original title the Vince Vaughn Jennifer Aniston Smash Hit the breakup or D the original title of Chinatown listen to list him again and again Peter yeah totally like when you were Kirsten Dunst and he was Toby Maguire skip how this night on the Manhattan Bridge why should we see that when he's with his nerd to save from a pack of bullies oh man this is so much better than dating Gwen it's at times like these that I imagine all the time Spidey doesn't save people who are about to get hit by cars or stop the convenience store Robert these montages always make it seem like he's saving everybody and how many times the superheroes shop in these places and it just so happens to be the same time it gets robbed I mean Jesus is it still stalking if it's your girlfriend yes [Music] you movie she doesn't have spidey sense too does she note to the commenters any of you tried bringing up spider-gwen right now and I will lose my mind I'm gonna get the door just give me a second please just let me in all right the classic Aunt May might find out Peter's Spidey thing happens because Aunt May needs something done with her car she really needs to get in Peter's Room to tell him that doesn't she it's so very important and why is he suddenly struggling to take the suit off is it stuck that's why you're here sometime after Rey Jamie Foxx started thinking everything he did was rad and that Trend sadly continues to this day call you the Amazing Spider-Man roll credits moments aside this Max has an unhealthy obsession with Spider-Man moment just exacerbates how much time this movie wastes get into the goddamn story Spidey took out Russian Paul Giamatti at the beginning he broke up with Gwen and it's taking a lifetime to get to the electro Park laundry my home my machine back off eat your breakfast hold up who serves a lettuce on wheat sandwich for [ __ ] breakfast Christ This Is The Secret Life of spider midi Spider-Man saved people from a department Fire part 64. out of all the people in the whole city he's saved yeah and even let one or two people die in a horrific car accident in order to save you I'm still shocked about it it's dark in there your eyes will adjust every bit of advice my father gave me on wedding nights somehow made it into this script I don't believe in miracles well well look who's not getting an invite to Hot Chocolate Summer Jam in Jamaica this year Jesus Christ they have all this equipment keeping Norman alive and round-the-clock care but nobody cut his fingernails which are [ __ ] claws now the camera Sony the laptop Sony the chairs well probably not Sony but you get my point he is survived by his only son Harry Osborne the only picture we could get of him was when he scowled at the cameras getting into a black SUV that makes him look villainous meanwhile in the underground I'll score up level entirely devoted to a study on electric eels wait what let's talk about this villain he gets shocked real bad so bad he falls into an electric eel pit remember Oscorp is half aquarium get shocked some more this time underwater and that turns him into electricity in liquid and gas form Shaka guy enough drop him in water and he's basically Sandman with water and electricity this Electro in this specific movie might be the most yada villain of all time I know more about how Pennywise Works than this [ __ ] guy hey harry yeah let me go visit my old buddy at work after his father died and he's probably busy with new Oscorp duties without a single phone call 10 years it's eight Chloe what's up hold up Peter just graduated high school he's 18. eight years ago he was [ __ ] 10. so is this movie saying this is a supposedly strong friendship and they haven't seen each other since they were [ __ ] 10 years old at 18 I didn't even remember my friends from fourth grade let alone feel any kind of attachment to them dude that whole model thing is so exhausting we didn't have time to show you what great buddies Peter and Harry are and were so now we're gonna grind this [ __ ] thing to a halt to show you just that before Harry turns into the green gobble also what the hell is the scene Peter and Harry left the Oscorp estate which was established to be somewhere near Central Park earlier now they're somewhere near the Manhattan Bridge which is at least seven miles from that location regardless of whether they walked drove or took the subway they've somehow been followed by a surveillance fan with Donald menkin in it who was at the meeting Harry just left from how the [ __ ] does Menken coordinate something like that and how does Peter not have Spider Sense working also also if they were just going to do a harmless outdoor activity while they talked why the [ __ ] would these two not just walk to Central Park two blocks away and feed the [ __ ] ducks or something I like location Scouts but we're either paying them too much or we're not giving them enough information you gotta admit though things have gotten crazy around here man giant lizards and spider guys cronuts Max discovers an insane power but because the movie refuses to acknowledge him as a human being we get this creation of a monster scene complete with the man putting on a hoodie to cover up his appearance the man talked to himself constantly I don't want to hear what he has to say about his Newfound situation even though it really is my birthday would have been fine sinnable but far I'd play the gods Casio Keyboard soundtrack music for Electro here but I'm a little gun shy about Music These Days point is what's starts out sounding like Electro's theme as a piece of music ends up being presented as some kind of electronic music he himself is producing on purpose by the end of it and that is whack I really wish these two had made it and the movie characters too if uh if we're gonna be friends I think we got it we gotta establish some some ground rules skip all the skips every [ __ ] one of these cars has a car alarm I thought I skipped this I thought I skipped this have you been following me he has and yet this is another movie that's going to give me a stalked girl who is Charmed by it instead of repulsed listen literally none of the girls I ever stalked were cool with it but the movie makes it seem all hunky door sure you can send something going on in Times Square when Max is behind it but you can't figure out when bad guys are recording your conversation with Harry have you ever thought your Spider Sense might be racist how does he know to save this one guy with all the cars going in different directions also you're saying out of all the cars that just got shot into all the different directions he's the only [ __ ] to nearly get hit by one what Gwen is here look how far away that is from where they were eating ice cream she walked 25 blocks that quickly and how did she know this was something she wanted to witness When Stacy being here right now is a lie would someone tell me what kind of a world we live in or a man dressed up as a spider steals all of my press wow spidey sense just went from being a faint clue about imitate events to a full-on quicksilver once around the scene before I have to act and that is some [ __ ] [ __ ] now it's time for me then a whole bunch of [ __ ] happens something with a fire hydrant I don't know steals all the electricity sends out a wave of electricity which physically destroys buildings like I am now starting to understand why and how this movie ended up with nine credited writers nope not even the director I mean he is helping firefighter shoot water at Max but I don't know why that had to be a big surprise visual jokes are fun but not when they mean Spider-Man took time out of this urgent mission to put on a fireman's hat just for a visual joke God damn people are [ __ ] dying dude holy Christ this guy likes posable lamps I don't dare play the audio for the song for reasons but the second Amazing Spider-Man movie has an on Phillip Phillips song set to a montage it's weird Dr Jones has videos that get into the hundreds of thousands of views but only two people who subscribe YouTube algorithm man also this video does nothing except tell you if the incoming charge exceeds the outcoming charge the battery could explode that's [ __ ] it this video isn't getting 200 000 views and 92 likes to zero dislikes for that in fact just the word battery is going to get some [ __ ] to dislike the video before they even watched it I need to find him I need his blood why does Harry think that just because Peter took a photograph of Spider-Man that he's in good with Spider-Man remember in the previous series when Harry knew this about Peter because he regularly took pictures of him and claimed to know him someone what in this series makes anyone think Peter knows it England Please do please talk about England we've still got an hour why not Peter does a routine straight out of Now You See Me 2 to create a distraction so Gwen can get on the elevator before security gets to her but then she rides down many flights like does the company have security only on the 24th floor they couldn't radio downstairs Jesus who's next in this Oscorp elevator casting call Aunt May means Peter everything's always complicated with theater yeah like when we're 10 last time we were friends he was always so [ __ ] complicated evil doctor guys says here in a minute that he's here to study this guy but how do you know so much about him right off the bat to build this part Steel part water part electricity prison form seriously if we need to find a way to get Electro and Electra in the same movie and something that's not called The Kingdom or Valentine's Day I'll tell you everything I know that it will hurt you this is the same thing I said to my college girlfriend when she asked if I had any experience someone needs to tell Peter that this lamp that he has resting against the wall full of maps is probably a fire hazard he took the D train to work at seven every morning came home at six every night wow that casual information that is being passed off as part of a string of evidence that Richard Parker was a normal dude will end up being extremely important information to Peter very soon seriously why does Peter do this can't he just say he can't find Spider-Man does he really think Harry is going to be cool with whatever Spidey says about not giving him blood what Spiderman I think we can agree that Harry Osborne and everything about him is one of this movie's biggest issues I mean that's truly saying something because this boy's got his got it like they're still eating ice cream just before Electro goes to Times Square that's how old and tired the scene feels it was 33 minutes ago by the way and nothing has moved plot wise I see this movie's story went to the Shawshank Redemption School of plot reveal via angry projectile C told you but also she had the words in a different order when she said that she said to work every morning at seven but memory her is saying every morning at seven to work if I can remember it correctly you'd think Peter be able to as well he's the Super Genius right man this short-lived franchise sure love putting Spider-Man in the Subways didn't it both the amazing movies have extensive Subway exploration sequences that's weird this is cool and all but how did a scientist guy manage to put all this together on his own this is some [ __ ] this took six years several programmers a blacksmith and three dozen different contractors to build you dicks whatever lies will be told about me I would like the world to know the truth that's why I kept it so hidden that nobody would ever find it unless my son threw a calculator against the wall and found subway tokens and had just heard from his aunt that I used to take the d train and that led him to Google something about Roosevelt and Subway and D train and solve this whole mystery Norman Osborne has falsified evidence against me in order to take control of my work so wait Norman Osborne knew that Richard was going to betray him so he falsified evidence against him which means we are way down the line in the process of a friendship tearing apart and a Business Partnership being dissolved and yet Richard still had access to the Oscorp lab to take back all his research without anyone knowing until it was too late Peter watches one video of his father on The Secret subway car lab computer and I think that's it huh this is way more Ghostbusters than I think they intended I think that maybe made him to let her work she read the script unfortunately she was under contract meanwhile you don't even want to know about the voicemails left for the studio by Shailene Woodley where'd he get the suit with the lightning bolt on the sleeve or is he manipulating electricity to look like he's wearing a suit not he looked fine already when the suit isn't real because he just dissolves here in a minute so [ __ ] off suit why why do you even need this guy can't electricity man just turn into e ether and enter the walls and find out where the secret lab is that the electricity runs to can he image or blueprint this building in a Heartbeat by going electric most of this movie he's too [ __ ] powerful but here he's utterly useless future yeah no of course this string of movies couldn't launch the Sinister Six because they made all the same mistakes from Spider-Man 3 that led them to rebooting these movies in the first place a movie that is over bloated and has too many villains this movie is even two minutes longer than Spider-Man 3. do it now Harry trusts this corporate [ __ ] to stick him with this spider venom needle when I'm pretty sure I barely trust qualified people to do this correctly this strobes on for some time he seems really [ __ ] up oh never mind he'll be fine I guess I didn't realize there was an entire protocol dedicated to Healing him any other protocols I should know about training wheels ghost so when Peter got his message from Gwen he thought maybe she hasn't gotten to the airport yet New York traffic what can you do and made sure to spell this out on the bridge just in case she was stuck in the traffic I know there's a million reasons why we shouldn't be together I know that but I'm tired me too skip did you try magnetizing them I love how this movie basically shoves Gwen Stacy to the side except for Peter's relationship status and then bam at the third act break she's like try something anyone halfway Smart in science could have figured out long before this to make her seem worthwhile to the story this movie even tries to work in some brand new nurse Aunt May action because the only idea this movie had it didn't use was Mary Jane Watson I will control everything and I will be this Electro gets to explaining his motivations and it's still murkiest this fight full of nonsense and obfuscation where no one seems to have any advantage goes on for all the sometimes as Electro literally plays the Itsy Bitsy Spider song while beating Spider-Man's ass I'm left to wonder is this real [ __ ] life who are the ad Wizards that came up with this [ __ ] idea thank you movie I hate everything about this finale it's a bunch of audio and video noise it's somehow a migraine wrapped inside a sleeping pill no one would be seated during the will the two planes avoid Collision portion of the film because they'll all be standing up to leave there is no [ __ ] way she heard that Spider-Man is surrounded by a cacophony of electric noise Gwen is far away behind glass movie long we've all been mostly thinking about the local air traffic controllers am I right oh goody the Green Goblin the reboot strategy totally makes sense now because there clearly wasn't enough Green Goblin in the raymie trilogy I can't think of a more app metaphor for this movie than Spidey continuously missing the mark while something flies around in circles above his head as Gwen's slow motion Falls to her death amid falling gears and other clock related things I'm being utterly forced by the movie to remember her graduation speech about time and how we should make the most of it because it ends for everyone and having a hammer smack me in the head kind of hurts whoa whoa spotty you need to take it easy only 96 of funeral and that Spider-Man's gone the city will never be the same oh I'm counting on that these dumbasses assume Spider-Man is completely done rather than simply taking a break to launch this Sinister Six plan this is a clean it's new but it counts someone goes to visit the recently imprisoned super villain right at the end of a superhero movie cliche who's our researched volunteer Alexis said Savage we picked him because it's somebody the audience will be familiar with after the first scene of the movie when he proved to be terrible at his job so he was a perfect candidate Peter where you going Gwen is gone you can't change that you can't stay sad forever you're 33 years I mean you're 19 years old where the [ __ ] this camera there was nobody at the [ __ ] graduation taking video that got this close up and got film quality sound out of it and while I can't point to any one shot that proves this this shot is good enough for me to send this bull we have to be greater than what we suffer we have to move on who took that [ __ ] picture looks like maybe Peter took this both of them sleeping selfie but it's either pretentious or they got Denny from the room to take it and that's a sin what am I missing Rhino looks like a clumsy or slower not flying version of Iron Man Rhino is just a tank and walkable human form this movie's best scene is a throwaway tail end Stinger teasing a future where Spider-Man accepts the possible consequences but still fights crime boldly and proudly but I can't remove a sin because Paul Giamatti was [ __ ] wasted so hard kids got a future tomb's friend would totally say she here but the movie decides to play its own version of the pronoun game to hide a future twist please turn over any and all no one saw that not [ __ ] who made this mess again paid to clean it up Bokeem Woodbine would be excellent at CinemaSins I'll tell you what let's keep it the world's changed it's time we change too and like that he's a villain this is as good a time as any Dimension that the collective timelines of all the films in the MCU is basically okay I initially ignored the 35 seconds of two Sony company logos at the start of the film but if you're going to prologue and then give me a 35 second Marvel logo five minutes into the film I can send an action twice New York Queens Mary just making a little video of the trip you know you can't show it to anyone yeah I know then why is happy letting him film this at all no one has actually told me why I'm in Berlin what I'm doing I have to say Peter's cell phone captured video Journal is way too overed it almost like it's a Marvel film hey man something skimpy I hope Stark's continued commentary on May's attractiveness has now officially moved from the creepy column to the offensive column just a stupid dangerous thing to do in view of all the school's front windows look at all those goddamn Windows that's right that's all right Jesus Christ dear Kevin feige get your Marissa Tomei boner in check because it's starting to creep us all out gotta admit I'm not a fan of the Stark Spidey suit Spider-Man is cool because he's smart enough to build a suit himself I don't need another Iron Man thank you very much okay I'm not made of steel Spider-Man giving directions to an older lady is exactly what Spider-Man is all about and this movie just turned Us in off don't make me come down there you I'm Stan Lee cameos have become caricatures of themselves at this point what is that thing tombs has been selling this alien tech for the past eight years and this is the first time Spidey or anyone else has seen any of it Spider-Man is fighting the Avengers in a bank on 21st Street this is supposed to be funny and play off of what Spider-Man has already said but clearly this guy can see from across the street those aren't The Avengers so why tell the cops that yeah happy the craziest thing just happened to me happy hasn't answered Peter's calls or responded to any of his texts for the past however many weeks but conveniently chooses now to answer one of his calls in Queens where every other resident is old with nothing to do but spy on their neighbors nobody sees this isn't he close enough to close this door with his hand does he need to shoot the web other than to further sell his in the room right now best friend's reaction Peter just came in from the window directly behind Ned how'd he not see him or sense him this movie leads you to believe Spider-Man doesn't have spidey sense or doesn't have it yet why is that exactly what is removing that from the Mythos of this character addict turkey meatloaf recipe is a disaster I could have told you that before you started cooking but whatever I need a new backpack that's five how many new backpacks does he need before Aunt May starts asking reasonable questions 10 15 5 clearly doesn't cut it can you spit venom can you summon a number of spiders the series of Ned asking questions to Peter is hilarious about him too yeah but there is zero chance no one sitting around Peter and Ned can't hear what they're saying pretty sure this guy's a war criminal now but whatever I have to show these videos this guy has a point also Public School in a nutshell everyone okay another sent off this is funny and all Spider-Man in the suburbs but there are a bunch of trees he could be swinging off right behind him in this shot alone how did these stupid ass henchmen think they could demo a blue alien explosion gun without anyone taking notice and Peter just happens to be acting indecisive on a roof to conveniently see it give me something to stick out somebody I'm not trying to shoot them back in time look it may be hard to buy a gun in New York but it's got to be easier than getting access to the only dudes that have this technology right if Childish Gambino just wanted to stick somebody up why not just go with the finger in your pocket technique steals an outtake from us [Music] somehow Spidey survives this fall even though later Karen tells him that falling off the Washington Monument would be lethal Iron Max Machina that is not what you thought when I took on Captain America trust me kid Captain to lay you out he would have basically the whole problem with Civil War in one sentence if you come across these weapons again call Happy considering he never answers the phone when Peter calls I'm not sure how this is good advice and how the hell did the cell phone even survive that thousand foot fall and submersion in a leak a few minutes ago sorry Peter I guess for still losers I'll see you tomorrow we'll see you tomorrow didn't Ned get a ride from May to the party how's he getting back home I'm the Shocker I shocked people what is this pro wrestling ah damn even this movie's main villain would be excellent at CinemaSins but if you can afford me out there though right everything I know not Tom Hardy is not too bright to be threatening not Birdman like this [Music] yeah that seems smart also Peter decides to try and get to the bottom of the whole purple gun thing mystery during class and somehow doesn't get discovered these guys would not be strolling around a 2017 New York High School during operating hours without raising some sort of Suspicion Spidey homing bacon kind of lame thanks Tony Stark for ruining most of what made Spider-Man cool the date for the Academic Decathlon on this poster says it's on September 14th however the poster from earlier in the movie showed it being from October 13th through the 15th Tony Stark billionaire ingenious can't create Tech a high school sophomore can hack into detecting three individuals giving Spider-Man his own Jarvis is yet again anathema to what Spider-Man is all about does it make sense in this universe with the way they've used Stark to introduce Spidey yes but as much as I enjoy this movie I must repeat that I am knocked down with Iron Man Spidey and yes you comic fans I know there's an iron spider thing in the comics I don't care activating instant kill no no no no no no no I don't want to kill anybody deactivating instant kill why would Tony even put this setting in the suit and how does it work exactly all of a sudden his webs become poisonous you have 576 possible web shooter combinations Jesus webs neither do I Peter neither do I you appear to have a mind No Lie the NFL sued Sony for this line of dialogue activating reconnaissance drum spider god spider God there's literally nothing the suit can't do for him literally not a Spider-Man movie unless the girl he likes ends up in Mortal pair literally this is your chance Peter kiss her why in the ever loving [ __ ] would Tony Stark write a suit AI for Peter that gives him relationship advice and honestly who would trust relationship advice from something written by Tony Stark anyway I don't see how [ __ ] up your mode of transportation is helpful facial recognition on the footage of that encounter talk to me when you're smart enough to suggest this without being asked stupid suit lady Karen I record everything you see that's super convenient for Peter right now also how doesn't Stark have access to this footage oh that looks terrible a red and blue paper airplane would look more like a gliding Spider-Man than that does hey wait a second and give any such command back before casually tossing grenade web but later he has to say to get that website if only there was a large body of water close by to throw this in just spray a bunch of worms and when it doesn't work use brute strength sequence is way more like the subway scene in Spider-Man 2 than I think this movie intended Jesus Christ poses Jesus how the hell did Tony know to bring these things the ship only split down the middle like 90 seconds ago does he just always travel with dozens of tiny Thruster Bots is everyone okay no thanks to you there was almost zero chance no one died in that incident everyone else said I was crazy to recruit a 14 year old kid everyone else was right well this is the fakest background that ever faked being a background I guess you already have a date's homecoming actually so busy planning and I never really got around to that part so yeah no that girl has a date a backup date and three hot friend zone dudes on standby I know many of you love this moment and more power to you but the sheer odds of Peter's Nemesis being the dad of a state are just I mean you could win the lottery more easily he disappeared like you always do like you did in DC movie Mostly redeems The Coincidence dad thing with the scene where he realizes who Peter is and which ends with one of the coolest hero villain conversations ever I'll kill you and everybody you love this entire scene absolutely rules another sent off but also might want to pull away from the very public place you're currently in front of before pulling out that gun gotta go I'm sorry why does he have to go other than there wouldn't be a movie if he doesn't the sanest thing to do here would be to call him happy and let him know you've discovered the identity of the vulture and he's got something going down tonight how did shocker know this was the door Peter would come out of how the hell did vulture even have time to call shocker and get him here to do this Peter went inside for like 45 seconds shocker must have been in the trunk of vulture's goddamn car shocker kicks the web shooter instead of crushing it or shockering it I get that Spider-Man has insane strength but he doesn't have the Stark costume on anymore it's basically just wearing a hoodie so how has he not cut up all to hell here and or knocked unconscious he was knocked unconscious earlier while in the better suit after hitting the top of the transport truck I know when bronzino's fresh and that was not fresh is there some weird comic thing with Spider-Man and Branzino because in The Amazing Spider-Man the dialogue makes a point of saying they're eating Branzino at Gwen's house this is just too [ __ ] weird to be a coincidence right happy hangs up on Ned and basically creates the need for this movie to even have a climax he takes this call like a normal human being and Iron Man ends the [ __ ] in about three minutes flat we just gotta load Tony's old Hulkbuster armor prototype for Cap's new shield and the Meg ink the Meg the Thor's magic belt it's the McGuffin plane I'm looking at porn [ __ ] love Ned why wouldn't Peter just web up tombs right now you know how this wouldn't have been an issue if Peter had webbed up both [ __ ] hands couldn't he at this point like step forward there's literally nothing in front of him right now retro reflective handles engaged how did tomb screw know so much about this moving table and that the plane will be cloaked just one scene of them paying off a guy on the inside is all it would have taken they've got these alien balls why do they even need to make the weapons and sell them they could just enter vaults or whatever they wanted to and steal all the money they needed they'd be set for life they went to this much trouble with security and got or built a [ __ ] invisible jet but didn't put any locking mechanisms on the actual crates themselves just a different cute line but she is not your girlfriend she only went out with you once to a dance where you immediately abandoned her Sony made a movie and Marvel said hey let us edit that fight scene for you in our signature style and Sony said no way but Marvel did it anyway good thing no one was hanging out on Coney Island on this night the Spider-Man also resistant to fire somehow between the fairy and the plane and now this he should just be Ash at this point but my friends call me MJ what you movie I thought you didn't have any friends I didn't and why do you now exactly you've done nothing but flip people off and make mean drawings of them this entire movie so what happened to change all this and I'll introduce the world the newest official member of The Avengers why would Tony go from I need the suit back to your part of the Avengers after one heroic moment from Peter took the suit for Peter going after the vulture and then when Peter goes after vulture again boom welcome to the club he's still a 15 year old kid where's the kid you left Peppers here too this really does feel more and more like Iron Man 4. haha They tricked you Robert Downey Jr I know you said you didn't want to do a fourth but they tricked their ass [Music] Peter really needs to learn how to close and lock a door patience the movie's final end credit scene is a big old Feud everyone that stayed to watch something at least a smidge more entertaining than a troll at this point I bet Audi has paid for 10 of the entire MCU budget with their oppressive product placement in these movies what are we fighting the weather now locals say the Cyclone had a face people see things when they're under stress like a giant green Hulk or Norse god who wields a hammer or a woman in black spandex wielding a Glock I'm just saying with the superheroes and villains that exist is a weather monster that far out of the box you just need to chill Hill 36 seconds of marble logo a minute and 47 seconds into the movie and after we had to sit through 32 seconds of Sony getting the upper hand logos at the beginning of the movie Gone But Not Forgotten this year has been nothing short of it is crazy it's like insane why is the school news station doing an in memoriam about the dead Avengers at the end of an entire school year wouldn't this have been something they broadcast on the first day of school closer to the actual deaths over five years ago half of all life in the universe again why has this been discussed on the last day of school nearly a year after the unsnap wooden high school students of all people have gotten beyond that early in the school year and this last day newscast will be about college and valedictorian and you know regular High School it makes for a good expositional dump but it makes no sense in context eight months ago a band of Brave Heroes brought us back still calling [ __ ] on no one appearing the exact same space as another human being causing some weird mutation strength but at least the movie chose to show the gym scene in this scenario as opposed to what happened in the men's room they called it the play type Comic Sans also this movie basically ignores the blip except for this one 60 second news broadcast which is probably because the filmmakers weren't told the details of endgame but ends up feeling like they didn't care about the events of endgame I'm gonna buy her a Black Dahlia necklace because her favorite flower is the Black Dahlia because of well the murderer the murder MJ is [ __ ] up data at your own risk dude I see this ending badly if she's picking favorite flowers based on her favorite murder or even has a favorite murder I may not know much but I do know this Europeans love Americans um you might want to check that man according to the published and the certified Love Actually documentation it's Americans who love Europeans by the way travel tip you should probably download a VPN on your phone just so that the government can track you while we're abroad conspiracy theorists when I I've lived back to my apartment the family that was living there was very confused I'm sure just imagine all the people that flipped back in the middle of the ocean because they were on a boat or landed on the third rail and died because they had been in a subway car and you know there were some people mid-orgasm how did that work out for them Jesus I think I want a series of movies on various people that flip back maybe not the orgasm people can't be said enough I hate hate hate Spider-Man wearing an iron suit yes it does happen in the comics you [ __ ] nerds but it's relatively brief and this is the second movie he's worn this student and it's just not Spider-Man when he's in an iron armor that mask CG eyeing off his head looks insanely stupid I just want him to pull his mask off is that asking too much you sent Nick Fury to voicemail yeah you don't sit in your period of voicemail did you hear that I send everyone a voicemail Brad Bird could call me and tell me Disney picked up the rights to my books and he wants to direct them and he would still be saying all that to my voicemail box part of it is that I'm half deaf and I don't hear well and my phone transcribes voicemails to me almost instantly the other part is that I get so many calls from scammers asshats salesmen and family members that I am mathematically better off not answering any calls and math ain't never done lied to me once hungry I thought that you could sense that with your peter tinkle hey we forgot to mention spidey sense in the first movie so we'll just have a banana in the face gag here so you don't think we're complete idiots how would he be able to pack that even if he wanted to I'm assuming that giant charging port would have to come with it good luck explaining that at the airport before boarding an international flight this looks like a regular airplane but look closer and you will see that absolutely no one in coach is wishing they were dead right now flash makes fun of Peter about being on an airplane but also flashes in first class and yeah he's rich but what kind of a school trip lets individual Rich students upgrade to first class on their own he blipped so technically he's 16 not 21. and isn't that what his ID would say they most certainly would have checked before serving him heart of Iron Heart of iron they made a Tony Stark documentary and they chose the title heart of iron why not Stark realities or why not the MCU or dead [ __ ] now revered or Tony Tony someone falls asleep on a trip and puts their head on the lap or shoulder of another character in its awkward cliche we have a lot in common so we're boyfriend and girlfriend now that was fast I know that's the joke but still an Air flight feels more feels more like an excuse to get Peter alone for more of this film and as such it works whatever happened to being an American bachelor in Europe Peter those were the words of a boy and that boy met a woman Ned is a little too Manny Delgado in this movie for my taste there's nothing in there I swear yeah it usually works with Customs agents also why wouldn't Aunt May shove that suit under some clothes or something she knows this is a secret identity so her disregard for Secrets here makes no sense are you telling me that in eight months since the unblipping airports and public buildings worldwide have all unanimously decided to DFI Tony Stark in massive artwork displays do you have any idea how long it takes a government to make a decision eight months can a master painter even finish a portrait this size in that amount of time put the bags off we're gonna meet at The DaVinci museum at three you have two adults on this student trip and you're not going with them to the museum you're letting them find their own way in Venice without an adult what am I watching what is this Martin star is a great comic actor but physical comedy isn't necessarily for everyone he had a good couple moments in homecoming and now this movie is tripling down on that teacher you laughed at last time so we get him falling asleep on Peter telling marriage SOB stories to Peter and now aping Mr Bean well it's the most perfect word in the world the times integrated and I just discovered it what does it mean that's the thing it can mean a million things not sure how that's cool or helpful how would anyone know which version of the word bow you're using smurfing Italians also this boat never comes back again or is referred to throughout the rest of the movie it's literally just filling and killing time with a word that means nothing oh is my new superpower it's like the anti Aloha I'm pretty sure the movie Aloha was the anti Aloha I guess you could suspend my disbelief enough to believe that Mysterio would have his theatric staged in Venice when Peter is there because well Peter is there except I don't know how he would know at this point that Peter is also Spider-Man but regardless I'm calling [ __ ] that he would know Peter would be at this exact place at the time he did this so the whole scenario was built on an Italian river of lies in all seriousness what did he think that was going to accomplish does Peter often swing on his web by connecting them to the Hudson River I know people are running for their lives but you're telling me no one sees this it's brought daylight man and there are so many no one sees this moments later in this movie I'm giving it five sins right here and now to cover them all what do you mean it's close to win November you didn't check the website oh that's a good idea too much teacher screwball prop comedy and a Spider-Man movie there's comedy and then there's emo Peter dancing to staying alive and while you're not in that territory you're closer than I would like you to be who is that guy I don't know but he's kicking that water's ass pretty intense scene though too bad we've already seen two much better versions of this scene with the train scene in Spider-Man 2 and the boat scene and Spider-Man homecoming and two much better movies I could add and I think I would BuzzFeed says there's a sailor named Morris bench who is exposed to an experimental underwater generator and got Hydro Powers Luby uses a likeness to a character from the comics called hydroman but it isn't actually hydroman however movie has flash talk about the origins of Morris bench AKA Hydra man from the comics anyways we just shot Ned just a mile tranquilizer he'll be all right sure but what if he'd fallen on the side of his neck with the tranq dart wouldn't it then shoved the whole thing further into his neck and cause medical problems and I tried to bring you here you avoided me and now you what a coincidence wait was this a coincidence this movie doesn't even know its coincidences from its contrivances another person touches that door you and I are going to attend another funeral how does Peter have any control over that there are multiple realities Peter this is Earth Dimension 616 I'm from Earth 833 because Spider-Man into the spider-verse exists the viewer accepts the idea of multiple universes but in this world the Multiverse hasn't been explored yet and it seems like knit Fury would be on a Mysterio from the beginning or simply call Doctor Strange and ask if this is legit because this story is suspicious as hell don't ever apologize for being the smartest one in the room the Zuckerberg family motto I mean I'm just the neighborhood Spider-Man sir [ __ ] please you've been to space okay okay I'm only human Captain Marvel don't invoke her name why not and for something like this that could destroy the world why wouldn't you use Captain Marvel she's stronger than everyone and everything you should have heard me on the phone with him I really gave him hell well I was crying the name of this road in English translates to nobody nope wrote the French call it Leno Peter waited so long to put on these Stark glasses that I actually had forgotten all about them why would a high school kid like Peter wait so long to see what a now dead Tony Stark left for him I'm shocked he didn't put them on as soon as they were handed to him come to think of it I have access to the entire Stark Global Security Network including multiple defense satellites as well as backdoors to all major telecommunication networks holy God goggles Batman take off your clothes this is a hell of a thing considering her insistence he get naked to try on the suit is only in story service of giving Peter's rival something to use against him with MJ but in addition to that this should be creepy it's played for laughs but it's a grown woman demanding a teenager take off his clothes you can think of any better ways to give the Rival leverage than this initiating strike initiating what now interested Point determined releasing kill vehicle Peter has already played this game with his first Spidey suit Tony gave it he should have known as soon as Edith said Target this is what he was asking her to do also I don't care who Tony Stark is it is insane to think he would just have a weaponized satellite in the sky that could be a initiated by someone not understanding a question I am no Science Guy but I don't think that's how momentum Works once Peter exits the vehicle he still has forward momentum but begins to immediately slow comparable to the bus itself which continues at the same speed all I'm saying is Peter should either have landed back on the roof of the van behind the opening or at least ding the edge of the opening on his way back down it's clear to me that you were not ready for this to be fair he told you that in Venice also isn't this yet another rehash of homecoming with Fury taking the place of Tony is this what we get to look forward to in all these MCU Spider-Man films someone will tell him he's not ready to fight the big fight and then he'll do it anyway and come out on top it's like multiple versions of Rocky 3. lucky for us we got the best seats in the House from here on out I'm shortening too much teacher to TMT it will save me an entire syllable and at this point I will take every ounce of Saved breath over this movie that I can get I'll save you a seat next to me Zendaya is adorable in this movie but well all I'm saying is don't watch the entirety of euphoria on HBO right before you watch her in this movie because it will be a jarring juxtaposition also genre and juxtaposition is also a an edgier name and Chef Circle for the serpent Turf B what my college girlfriend called sex see the name of my cousin's Jazz core band or D one's perception of marriage prior to and immediately after the wedding ceremony and Peter whatever you do please steer the monster away from the Opera House yeah net I know and now so does Betty because she's right behind you and Ned is not using an inside voice I would totally kiss you but I think I just threw up in my mouth a little you did you threw up in your mouth a little how do you not know for sure whether or not you threw up in your mouth here's where her dad from the nice guys would tried her don't say I think just to fill space in a sentence but also there is not a teenage male alive that would let a little vomit get in the way of some action choice is yours I hear you can get with this or you can get with that you can get with this or you can get with that you can get with this or you can get with that I think I'll get with this because this is where it's at this scene where Peter gives his God goggles to Mysterio willingly his spidey sense failed him bro this movie makes it seem later like he's been struggling for a while with using the Peter tingle but other than that banana I can't find much early movie evidence of this and I suspect it was largely left on The Cutting Room floor because maybe he didn't trust me to have Edith he just trusted me to pick who should I mean maybe but my guess is he wasn't expecting you to pick some Rando you met a couple days ago Peter might as well be giving the glasses to flash you stop the Elementals you saved my life you saved the world Peter isn't this dumb though like I get that he's grieving Tony and maybe not top of his game but even if the Spidey senses came over Peter's own brain should be ringing all the bells right now Mr starkman really liked you have you forgotten how good a judge a character Tony Stark was he'd have seen through this [ __ ] way back in Venice and he would have hated a guy that pretends to be a hero through Illusions rather than truly doing heroic stuff to the man who brought us aside there are former boss Tony Stark and serious is now two Spider-Man villains in a row that have been turned into essentially Iron Man villains that Spider-Man has to fight is it asking too Goddamn much to have a Spider-Man movie be a Spider-Man movie maybe somebody should take this back over also Mysterio is essentially the Mandarin all over again a rather cool character who has literally been acting the whole time and is uninteresting as hell when his true colors shot so way to go far from home you're the Iron Man 3 of Spider-Man movies but also world's longest toast ever oh 611 million dollars for my little therapeutic experiment I haven't seen this kind of character the Shadows retconning since the last Saw movie Tampa science were leaving because of witches that's witches that's what it said on the news and the News never lies the news that the news never lies about the news is fake news oh good thing MJ happened to be right by the Drone projector that Peter caught in his webbing and they could have this awkward conversation on the bridge because then Peter would never find out Quentin Beck is a fake and a bad guy and this movie relies on way too much coincidental coincidences wait a minute does that mean that Elementals are fake there was fire and destruction who would do something like that hmm Peter who would do that God this movie makes Peter Parker dumber than a box of rocks I am trying to fool 7 billion people here including Nick Fury who happens to be the most paranoid and most dangerous person on the planet not true the most paranoid person on the planet is clearly Kanye West and the most dangerous person on the planet is clearly Kanye West I realize he didn't have a lot of options since he can't fly but that is a four and a half hour train ride he just took from Prague to Berlin and I'm just saying all the evil could be done already by the time he gets there and I wouldn't be surprised in case you confused it with Berlin New Hampshire I don't think I just can't give enough sins for this movie wants to excuse as the work of drones that could never be the work of drones at 10 now I created Mysterio to give the world someone to believe in you created Mysterio to be poison if you you were good enough maybe Tony would still be alive but Tony's death and end game wasn't Peter's fault look this sequence is visually arresting and that's worth praise but it's undercut by the knowledge that all of this is being done by drones which is hilariously impossible it's easy to fool people when they're already fooling themselves what does that even mean at least in the context of this movie you fool Peter just now because you have lookalike drones not because Peter was out here [ __ ] up his own mind with needless quandaries but for what it's worth Peter I really am sorry terrific train timing when and how did they plan this okay we'll come pick you up in the Netherlands we'll meet you at the edge of that one large Field of Flowers you're never gonna be Iron Man good you're the head of security and your password is password I don't feel good about it either movie it's time for this oh I Love Led Zeppelin how does a kid as Pop Culture Savvy as Peter was in Infinity war and homecoming mistake AC DC for Led Zeppelin or is the movie making a joke about his probable concussion okay people know Avengers coming we're good to go but why aren't any Avengers coming Fury has already decided he can't rely on Spider-Man so why couldn't he call someone Falcon Roadie Dr Strange asbestos Lady it's literally not a Spider-Man movie if his love interest isn't in danger and needing him to rescue them like the Power Rangers you think you can Voltron Voltron you think they were making all this up as they went about filming it be ready for anything then she went to the roof with a bazooka and saves him when the Drone appears and is going to kill him and I guess they knew about the drones already from Happy's warning regardless I'm more Curious how be ready for anything became shorthand for one of these drones is definitely going to show up outside this window and try and kill me so you should go to the roof with a shoulder rocket Edith give me some protection copy Beck has Edith I'm not sure why he even needs the drones anymore he has an entire satellite of Weaponry at his disposal to do whatever he wants can we get some villains with at least a little more creativity than the Batman Forever Riddler that's all I ask [Music] this movie is a lot more Jurassic world Fallen Kingdom than I think they were going for happy thank God I bought us some time and apparently some amazing earpieces happy and the kids are in a goddamn Vault still able to communicate with Peter Spider-Man does some stuff but I'm not honestly sure what any of it was I'm sure it was awesome and devastating to the drones but I'd need a transcript of the events to know what the [ __ ] just happened gee I wonder what this bridge is it's London Bridge right great no webs that seems unnecessary he just started using this suit he used up all his webbing already why do you have to strip him of one of his tools of the job in order for the finale to have Stakes nobody dies on my watch I mean technically Iron Man did how much did my life playing video games we're gonna die I have a fake ID and I've never even used it this confession right before we die Trope has been done before and to death but probably never better than an Almost Famous [Music] wow Peter went from struggling with his Peter tingle to seeing blind like Daredevil and I'm calling [ __ ] if it was so easy all he had to do was wish for it a little bit then why the struggle to use it before now you're in the strike zone fire all the drones no this guy is even dumber than Kent mansley sorry it's broken I actually like it better broken of course you do you sure no one else has figured it out yeah I mean it's not like anybody really pays attention to you secret identity shadowing hello Gerald could mother not make it holy this is a dark final beat for Flash Thompson almost like they might be setting him up for something more antagonisty in the next installment what is that on the white plate on the end table next to Aunt May is it Sushi a peppermint stick biscotti a skinny breakfast burrito with ketchup drizzle on top white chocolate pretzel with raspberry Spiderman attacked me for some reason he has an army weaponized drone Star Technology but who's gonna believe all this there should be tons of Citizen and surveillance video at the tower bridge attack London is one of the most heavily surveilled cities in existence and Spider-Man clearly beat the hell out of some drones and people will figure out the video as doctored even before all the video evidences on Earth this is some [ __ ] is my point and here's Jay Jonah Jameson back down as an online news pundit because I guess they felt the same way about JK Simmons in this role as they did James Earl Jones in the role of Mufasa which is that no one could ever replace them but it breaks continuity pulls me out of the movie and Karl Urban or Timothy Oliphant could have pull up a slightly new different take on the character just fine also does this mean this movie is in the same universe as Sam raving Spider-Man movies because it kind of does even though they will tell you it does not so Fury and Hill all movie were actually these two Klingons from the Captain Marvel movie but that's stupid Fury's on vacation what the [ __ ] guys this is lame it also sort of suggests you might still end up doing that thing where anyone at any time in the ncu might be a scroll which would be a huge Cop Out Tony didn't die it was scroll Tony are you sure you want to commence the Drone attack there will be significant casualties just do it execute them all oh this movie is starting with manipulated footage of a good guy to make it seem like he killed a lot of innocent people does that mean we're gonna get the running Spider-Man now that's a Multiverse I can get behind also if an extraordinary one minute and nine seconds of logos Spider-Man slings his way into a Subway tunnel on East 59th Street in Manhattan and emerges on 47th Street in Queens for an altogether unnecessary eight miles of Subway tunnel travel that most likely would have ended in death oh no Peter I don't know what to do if we can hear what's going on then Happy should be able to as well and it doesn't take a genius to know it's probably not something he wants to be walking in on is that is that here when Peter opens the blind none of the blinds in the apartment building on TV open up at all why is time choosing to focus on him being Tony Stark's Protege instead of all the murder and what kind of a front cover is this anyway are they really just taking a pop at his age man I'm sure I'm glad I watched Stardust before this because I would have been totally lost on who this was I don't believe any of the charges against you are gonna stick they wrapped up Spider-Man's Mysterio murder investigation in eight minutes and while we know he's innocent how did the detectives come to this conclusion did they find Mysterio's video Guy Peter he may have dodged your legal troubles but things will get much worse there is still a court of public opinion man people turned on Spidey quick considering how much they deified Stark and far from home for his involvement in the unblipiting you would think Spider-Man would have some Eagle Goodwill carry over from helping to defeat Thanos right Peter and Aunt May live pretty high up in this apartment building right like they were eye to eye with the news helicopter earlier when Peter opened the blinds so how does someone throw a brick this straight and accurately from the street the newspaper that this Mysterio fan wrapped around this brick has one of those good old-fashioned movie articles that are filled with vague political gibberish why does the discovery of major plot mcgoverns like this magic carry box always have to be pitched as a serendipitous surprise the unbelievable thing isn't that he finds it it's that the damn thing exists in the first place you both like each other we get it hang up there's no new ground being broken happy would be Andrew Garfield at Spider-Man since if you want to read about our inspiring friendship you can now in my new book Flashpoint I'm this close to dedicating an entire video to everything wrong with this single frame of the movie how did Flash manage to get a book written picked up by a publisher proof edited Rewritten re-edited and ready to sell in the time since he found out Peter was Spider-Man if an entire [ __ ] year has passed the movie should really tell us that also get it because this movie is basically Marvel's Flashpoint the only problem is that Marvel is so far ahead of DC that this nod kind of feels like the biggest kid at school bullying the class hamster we now pause the most anticipated movie since before the end times to bring you two full minutes of college rejection letters in light of recent controversy we are unable to consider your application at this time based on what we know about abusing the college admissions system I am shocked that Peter being a super powered vigilante was enough to get him and his friends rejected heck this kind of publicity should have bought them all scholarships who wouldn't want to say that Spider-Man attends their college also sure is a good thing MIT told these guys exactly why they weren't being accepted otherwise this whole movie doesn't happen MIT is like the person you're in love with in high school who's like I'd really like to date you but things are so crazy right now give me time to think about it and then one week later they're dating Brad Brad this [ __ ] Flash Thompson still gets into MIT even though he wrote a book about being Peter's best friend Jesus I guess MIT saw through that [ __ ] said yeah but he's not really Peter's friend so let's set this liar into our school Doctor Strange sorcerer Supreme Master of the Mystic Arts is a dick to these guys for making them shovel up all this snow instead of poofing it away um the most famous person in the world I know the only way Wong hears this is if his ears are operating before the damn Sparkle Circle even starts do you only need really worriedly ring finger thing to summon the swirly portal when you need to look cool because Wong's hands are holding suitcases and he seems to be making that feared Wilt you ready I'm ready Dr Strange gets into the spell before even Consulting Peter how it will work or asking any questions he doesn't even ask are you sure you want the people closest to you to forget you sorcery should have more considerations and barriers than a computer asking if you want to delete k-19 the Widowmaker off your hard drive can't some people still know that's not how the spell works and yet that's exactly what you try to do here in a minute as if there's some MJ Ned and Aunt May exception to the spell you're casting I doubt the ancient Sorcerers who made these spells were all about improvisation and ordering omissions a la carte very difficult and dangerous to change it midcasting okay well can you stop casting the spell and have a conversation first all right fine everyone in the world is going to forget that you're Spider-Man except your girlfriend so not that difficult to change midcasting then you spell six times so some ordinary doofus can just say things in the middle of a sorcerer spell and it counts are you telling me that you didn't even think to please your case with them first before you asked me to brainwash the entire world dude you took that brain and watch the entire world assignment with very little prompting flash please come on help me you know what I mean okay I'll tell everyone that you're my best friend except that's really not what flash would want anymore right people think he's Peter's best friend then there's a good chance he gets rejected from MIT where is she she left she'll go where to the airport I guess the vice Chancellor told flash exactly which of three possible airports she was going to and what route she was going to take to get there so that he could find her in the middle of all this traffic so begins Spider-Man ice capades come on to see your favorite characters three times the villains three times the excitement three times the Spidey doors open three hours early for general admission to see Charlotte's Web Slinger the Spider-Man cover band opening up Chad Kroger out of your name into a darling to see Alfred Molina's stunt doubles morning skate Green Goblin conveniently shows up right after Spider-Man gets Doc Ock under control what did Dr Strange know that Peter was about to get in a fight with the Green Goblin or is this just a coincidence if he knew this fight was about to happen why didn't he transport the Green Goblin to a holding cell too it started pulling in everyone who knows Peter Park is Spider-Man from every universe and at this one except for James Franco he's uh unavailable also as fun as everyone seems to be having with all the old villains coming back it would have been nice if some other villain we'd never seen before showed up from some other universe as of yet unrealized with Jake Gyllenhaal playing one of the unrealized Spider-Man he could have had some major fun with that guy so you blew it I pursuited into sewers where I found that slimy green son of a gun hmm I wonder why Dr Kurt cockings I mean Dr Kirk Connors wasn't given his big moment to shine for a big Applause and again why does he show up in a sewer while Doc Ock and Green Goblin show up exactly where Spider-Man was my friends and I just got a second chance to get into MIT and if the school sees me fighting these crazy monsters the vice Chancellor just watched him fight one of these monsters and that secured him a place at MIT if the admissions board continues to see him rescuing The World Isn't that going to strengthen his case even more honestly this college acceptance threat being the inciting incident for the whole movie is weaker than using multiverses to get all your toys in the same sandbox I'm so sorry for dragging you in this is you just gotta help me find these guys you don't have to apologize okay you got us a second shot the whole reason you [ __ ] didn't get into MIT in the first place is because you helped Peter do his Spider-Man Peter been moping this whole movie because he dragged MJ and Ned into his adventures now they get a second chance and Peter asks them to do more and they agree as of now you have detected zero multiversal trespassers but I thought you could detect them all by yourself just three minutes ago you said after you left I detected another worldly presence I pursued it into sewers so you're telling me you can detect lizards and sewers but not like Electro you can work in the undercraft the undercroft is this the place where Gamers make Tomb Raider porn and Witnesses say that they saw a monster flying through the air Peter told us he needed MJ and Ned to catch these guys but we're seriously going with Ned knows how to use the internet as the justification forward did you guys see that um no I'm not surprised securing a phone like this helps us the audience but the camera on the back of the phone is almost always the way to go for picture quality also does his Peter tinkle only work during the day what's happening introducing the birthday boy who crashed a party of hundreds of genetically modified electric eels and lived a shocking life to the Max from The Amazing Spider-Man 2 [Music] this is the second time Spider-Man has been saved by something completely ridiculous this time it's Sandman showing up for some reason anyway everyone who clapped when Sandman appeared probably hated Spider-Man 3. that's the kind of movie this is again all this much longer why not you're sand what did you just do today I don't know it's okay it's okay you should kill him listen I can explain everything you just have to trust me or you could tell him exactly what you did instead of repeating the same platitude over and over hoping for a different outcome hey that's exactly what I do Dr Kirk Congress he was a scientist at Oscorp when I worked there it's weird that Max remembers Kurt when nobody else who watched that movie does last I recall you had bad teeth glasses and a comb over how the hell would Connors know what Max originally looked like the whole point was that no one knew who he was and by the time he gained infamy he was stuck looking like a zappy Navi I could do any of this without you so thank you except you absolutely could and even a Bing search would have yielded similar results I get the intent here and spider silk does conduct electricity but there's no way this is a long-term fix right this is all still going to need proper repairing I'm leaving all this webbing here will definitely land the blame at his feet and being free from blame was the whole reason he did this in the first place I had him both talk about how they were about to die killing Spider-Man setting the foundation for this movie's rehab the villain story but the movie seems to forget that several of the villains already had Redemptive arcs doc Ox snapped out of it when Peter electrocuted him in the first movie and he died trying to destroy his machine Sandman had a huge Redemptive Arc in Spider-Man 3 and left the movie peacefully Connors was cured at the end of The Amazing Spider-Man and even tried to protect Peter in the end credits scene even if the villains is portrayed here don't know their Fates giving them a magic cure all ruins the Redemptive arcs they've already achieved also we don't hear any of the other stories about what the other villains were doing when they got sent here we're supposed to assume they were all whisked away when they were fighting Spider-Man and about to die how the [ __ ] was Dr strangers spell that oddly specific what is that it's an ancient Relic the makana cadavis the excadabra makana really strange we can't send them back not yet how does Peter not see this as something that has to happen and as soon as possible how does one guilt trip from Aunt May convince him that the entire Multiverse is the right course here in the grand calculus of the Multiverse their sacrifice means infinitely more than their lives how the [ __ ] do you know that we just said earlier that nobody even really knows anything about the Multiverse now you're talking about the grand calculus of the Multiverse like your Gods will Hunter I'm sorry kid if they die guy looks like Doctor Strange went to the Ivan Drago School of perishing things also knowing that Peter already the spell up earlier strange continues with his ritual while Peter and his friends are in the same room a button presents itself so that strange can reverse the spell and he waits I guess the ritual Demands a dramatic pause for it to work how are you doing that I have no idea you should not be able to do that no explanation is given for this why doesn't strange keep using transporty Loops in order to stop Peter swinging away why risk losing sight of it in fact why not teleport him straight into one of the cages in the dungeon what is this place the mirror Dimension where I'm in control honestly this doctor strange vs Spider-Man mini Civil War shouldn't even be a challenge but Spidey somehow comes out on top in the end Parker don't you realize that in the Multiverse there are an infinite number of people who know Peter Parker is Spider-Man and if that spell gets loose they're all coming here do you want Dana Han to come here because that's how you get Dane to haunt you know what's cooler than Magic math fine I'll buy that Peter somehow uses his Parker prescience combined with geometry to figure out how to pull this off but why does that immediately mute Strange's ability to bend this Dimension to his will I can't promise you guys anything but at least this way you actually get to go home and have a chance let's talk about the villains playing here yes villain Multiverse free aside what does Parker expect the outcome to be regardless of whether they're evil or not they are still going to be sent back supposedly to the moments of their death even if they find a way around that they still have to convince their universes that they aren't evil anymore and if that works they'll still be doing time for the crimes they've already committed how does this ever have a happy ending if something bad happens I'll text you shoot why not have the Box nearby in case you can't text her you made a huge deal about needing MJ and Ned for your multiversal villain search and all you did was make them surf the web and you're about to bring villains around at May and not give it a second thought up here I swear if I don't hear from you I'm pressing the button you want to put some kind of time frame on that or secret signal or anything no just gonna leave it as vague and as open to interpretation as possible sweet where's Connor I'm sure he wants all sorts of things but why are we leaving the murdery lizard man unattended Peter does know that the anti-eveling hasn't happened yet right it's a fabricator they can analyze design construct basically anything literally anything the plot desires man it is damn hard to stay invested when the writers are so willing to lean on the Stark built-in cliche whenever they need a very specific piece of tech to move the plot along kinda like who I am here oh does that mean in this universe you never did stealth how'd you end up like that anyway periodically the movie's momentum will come to a grinding halt as we get the condensed version of five other Spider-Man films the problem is it's so condensed that it doesn't really help anyone that hasn't seen the movies but is obvious enough to be tedious to anyone that has the place where I worked at Dr Connors mentioned that Max worked at Oscorp earlier but it's weird that Max doesn't mention it by name here and doesn't seem all that interested in the differences between the Willem Dafoe Norman Osborne and the shortland Chris Cooper version from his world that totally worked this was a problem that would likely take years and you solve it in a couple hours by using this fabricator that is literally an electronic superhero with this machine Peter could probably cure cancer and solve all sorts of world problems just like that Elysium machine or that tint in Harry Potter we'd much rather leave it collecting dust until there's a really good use for it curing villains and other universes of their evil well not all of the electricity I mean obviously you know that you need electricity for your brain to function your nervous system is I'm not really sure why I'm explaining electricity to you because someone seems to think this surface level awkward reparte is funny enough to keep us engaged for two and a half hours it is not but that dude that was at like 90 so should Electro at least be a little weaker or does it charge up and then suck everything out on the last bar that's the case why not charge it up and put it on him at the last second basically this is one more McGuffin thingy that will work or not work exactly how and when the plot needs it to now I gotcha got him how he's getting his ass kicked he looks heroic as [ __ ] right now plus you're the only News Channel with cameras on a battle between four super beings there is zero need to focus on making Peter look bad based on how easily Osborne and Parker are falling through these floors I can only assume that strangest spell had the bizarre side effect of turning this building into polystyrene didn't work because reasons we're never told why this serum doesn't work other than the movie needs made dead because well reasons Peter's crashed through several floors and this Goblin bomb blows him the hell up but it's okay he got that Incredible strength of a spider Infamous for their inability to be killed he did the right thing they would have been killed first off there are three villains who we know didn't die in their respective movies but let's take it further Sandman remembers Green Goblin and Doc Ock dying in his universe but what if their Green Goblin doc off from a completely different Universe forget all the things that will make us have to take sins back because it's much too late and we're too stubborn we're talking about infinite universes and infinite versions and nobody ever stopped to say we don't know anything to make an informed decision you have power and with great power there must also come great responsibility this Ring's so Hollow in this film for a number of reasons but mainly it's because we could reasonably argue that sending the villains back without rehab would have been the responsible thing to do the only Power Spider-Man has in this case is Stark Tech that is Magic interfering with a Multiverse you know nothing about is irresponsible also responsibility he can ran to the hospital right now your aunt mate just got hit by Green Goblin's glider and tons of debris just seconds ago that a bomb went off shortly thereafter you're a dick Peter me I know movies need inciting incidents like this to motivate the protagonists and naturally the more traumatic the better but it's beginning to feel like the only way Marvel knows how to do this is by taking almost literal Sledgehammer to a beloved character we've seen it with Coulson frigga Groot Iron Man Black Widow Quicksilver yondu Odin to chaga Gamora Vision Ajax holy [ __ ] they really do do this all the [ __ ] time how the [ __ ] did happy manage to drive right past whatever Cordon had been set up by this SWAT team and why didn't they immediately open fire on the sketchy looking car storming into their active [ __ ] war zone why are we firing on Spider-Man why are we opening fire on anybody who dicks when will people wake up and realize that everywhere Spider-Man goes chaos and Calamity ensue I still can't get on board with the argument that all this destruction and [ __ ] would be blamed on Spider-Man instead of the guy dropping the bombs the giant lizard that threw him through the window or the metal octopus map this is like blaming paramedics for causing car crashes because they're always found at the scene quick question to Ned or MJ have the same problem with Mysterio's fans that Peter does or are they just totally in the clear despite being very visible faces in that whole controversy Ned can just stay at home without bricks getting thrown through the window from crazed Mysterio must be nice I'm gonna press it what no he told me to wait but no what you actually said was up here I swear if I don't hear from you I'm pressing the button now not only has that ship sailed it's also Towing the funeral boards carrying at May's dead remains I just wish we could see him the sheer random chance that this movie relies on and is unbelievable the arrival of Garfield and Maguire only happens because a that suddenly has a history of magic in the family B he steals the sling ring from strange C keeps the damn thing on and he accidentally waves his head around while making a wish to see Peter Peter Peter Peter why is the Garfield Peter just hanging out in a [ __ ] alley I know the anticipated meeting between all the Spider-Man is a huge selling point for this movie but they did it in this really passive way why don't they show up in the middle of an action scene but then yesterday I was just here yesterday what is the nature of the containment that Dr Strange put around the spell he said he contained it but apparently people are still slipping through the cracks somehow and dramatically relevant order I don't carry an ID with me you know it kind of defeats the whole Anonymous superhero Thing dude oh the three Spidermans you are the worst at keeping your identity a secret you have never given a [ __ ] about this and you willingly stepped into a portal and removed your mask as soon as you could the superhero Thing why'd you do that I was trying to see if you have the tingle thing okay the bread bit is pretty funny but why does MJ find it so hard to believe that Spider-Man is Peter Parker she knows the spell is pulling in people from different dimensions so I feel like this was more about showing us Andrew Garfield doing spider things than it was about putting mg at ease and now here's the other [ __ ] just wandering around in street clothes like he's just coming off a 16-hour session at Molly Bloom's poker game wait he's he's not your friend so wait do you know about the Spider-Man Dynamics in this world but you've just been hanging out until you saw a portal appear in front of you these are the most worthless Spiderman since that one that showed up as a villain in the Revenge of Shinobi I really have no idea why the Garfield Spider-Man starts shooting webs at the McGuire one did either of them get spider sense when they saw the other do either of them seem threatening why does everybody make uninformed decisions in this movie this might seem kind of weird but I've been trying to find your friend ever since I got here to make matters worse all the aforementioned conveniences are totally unnecessary both of them were on their way to find this universe of Spider-Man regardless and convinced they just had no idea what to do with MJ and Ned in this movie I just have this sense that he needs my help but I totally didn't get the sense that there was any trouble happening in Happy's apartment building a couple hours ago I completely whipped on all that commotion too busy waiting for my cue they're hanging out super high up on this Tower because why would they do anything normal like simply walk up and greet you like fellow humans Jesus Christ for a minute there I thought these Spider-Man were going to turn into Zool and Vince Porto my Uncle Ben was killed I lost Gwen dude you lost your Uncle Ben too are you even going to acknowledge that try to keep going try to keep being the uh a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man because I know that's what she would have wanted no I'm pretty sure what Gwen would have wanted was a chance to pursue that scholarship at Oxford at some point I just I stopped pulling my punches I got rageful Peter describes a post-amazing Spider-Man 2 life that I'm absolutely certain a bunch of bros are going to demand now that they've forgotten they hated the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man movies also isn't it kind of strange that Electro got sent here just before he died but Peter got sent here and what we have to assume is years after his confrontation with Electro I hunted down the man who I thought did it I wanted him dead I got what I wanted I'm just gonna leave it there no need to provide further context that the guy tripped over some weird pipe and fell out a window it's a better story if you think I'm a murdering [ __ ] it took me a long time time to learn to get through that Darkness you know you just dance are at chicks while James Brown plays in the background I think I can make an anti-serm for Dr Osborne I've been thinking about it a long time oh no you haven't you have someone Peter yeah oh sorry sorry okay okay it would have been pretty shocking to get three Spider-Man on screen and not do the three-way Spider-Man Meme and there are certainly more distracting ways they could have chosen to do it take your sin back movie but you're walking a fine line between cool knot and pandering we could portal there what I'm magic now it'd be great if you guys practiced a bit first but instead of doing that you'll just jump right into the plan without testing it even once okay guys it could be any minute now I mean presuming that Electro Goblin Sandman and the sewer dwelling lizard are all Waiting by a TV that's tuned into the Daily Bugle it's gonna take an hours or never you never had a web block because I run out of webs all the time I have to make my own in a lab this whole scene on the top of the Statue of Liberty is funny and all but it plays like some sort of three minute video you run across while scrolling through Twitter when you find out that Toby Maguire Andrew Garfield and Tom Holland got together for I don't know Crohn's disease awareness or something I decided to do this for charity and Josh gads there for some reason what are like some of the craziest villains that you guys have fought the other Peters will go on to describe Venom in The Rhino two villains we've already seen why not use this opportunity to include the [ __ ] audience in the fun and tell us some we haven't seen look you give it to me I'm gonna destroy it what's stopping him from destroying it now zap it already you don't need him to [ __ ] give it to you that can't close the portal even though he had to have done it earlier after the other Peters came through or did he are their portals still open in Ned's grandmother's house I need Max's cure yeah several different sets of these serums for each Spider-Man to have and some spares a fabricator machine is a goddamn Miracle so this would have been easy to do also the fate of multiple universes rests on this plan working and somehow they didn't talk about how they were going to retrieve the villain cures once they were stashed away why bother stashing them in the first place I mean this one is barely even hidden why not strap it to your damn leg with some web where's the Box Peter we can help everyone I don't care wait doesn't Sandman want to get back to his universe and get a shot at seeing his daughter heck Peter is even giving him a chance to be human again to be honest I don't really understand why anyone's fighting anyone right now but sandman's motivations are the most baffling by far all we gotta do is focus trust your tingle and coordinate our attacks by saying it we can make it happen with no practice whatsoever it's how the New York Mets won in 1986. also they had all sorts of time to plan it's not like the villains were going to imminently start destroying things because they know they'd get sat back to their Dimensions if they did that so honestly they had lots of time to plan this out and do this right and decided to do a rush job like at Spider-Man turn off the dark okay Peter one Peter two Peter two Peter Peter three Andrew Garfield is the best Peter two go right Peter three go left on me the other thing about this plan to attack each villain one at a time is that the villains have been super helpful about that Electro looks absolutely lost for some reason showing up here just before they cure Sandman and then inexplicably vanishes from the action until the movie is ready for him again and where is Green Goblin he's at home washing his tights I honestly don't know what Doc Ock has been doing the whole time but wow what amazing timing he has showing up when all seem lost It's gotta be a black Spider-Man somewhere I did movie somehow does not contain a Miles Morales how are you good if Green Goblin to delay his appearance this long so that Otto and Peter can have this moment by the way is anyone on the lookout for him anyone worried oh [ __ ] you Green Goblin I'm over it you could have been here way earlier and you weren't and I have absolutely no faith that you can take on three Spider-Man Otto and Dr Strange by yourself [Music] are you okay okay all right I'll give this enough for that Goblin just stands there and lets Peter pull this [ __ ] as if he hasn't got a clue he's there where is he even flying to Peter shoots Norman with one web on his foot and declare his job over he saw Norman get free from a web earlier but that doesn't stop him from commencing with the punching I'm sorry but this intervention doesn't mean Peter Juan is a murderer he had committed to decapitating Osborne with his own sled Peter 2 stepping in at the last second to stop him doesn't change what it does is take away all of Peter one's agency and Rob us of knowing if he's actually experienced any growth from the last two and a half hours [Music] hey you remember earlier when I said I was mad about Marvel killing off characters as a lazy way to build tension and empathy well I think you can probably guess how I feel about pretending to kill a character for the same effect it's about [ __ ] time Andrew and Toby just sat there while Tom wailed on Willem and they could have slipped in the serum during that [ __ ] 10 minutes ago but this time make everyone forget who Peter Parker is no no but it would work right yeah it would work how the [ __ ] can that possibly work the scope of that spell is mind-boggling this means rewriting every interaction that Peter has ever had and retcon in the memories of billions of people the Stark come to find him in Civil War does Aunt may just not have a nephew how does she end up involved with Spider-Man does the memory of things people did with Peter have blurring or a photo of Mark Wahlberg's face taped over Tom Holland thank you sir call me Stephen fitting that Steven strange pulls the full snake bliskin just as everyone's memory of Peter is about to escape from New York oh my God man I'm surprised Gandalf and Frodo don't show up to board the boat to the gray Havens this ending is so long well if he were a hero he'd unmask himself and tell us who he really is no seriously I want to know what happened to the video from the call last night when Peter told Jay Jonah he was on the Statue of Liberty did the video vanish are you going to deprive me of this video that now shows Mark Wahlberg's face taped over Tom Holland's MJ's expression here is some absolute Holland teasing [ __ ] I don't even think she could see Ned when she started down the path of this wistful stair and even if she had there's no [ __ ] reason for her to be looking at Ned like she hasn't seen him in five years MIT are the engineers the mascot expositing to your friend instead of getting the order of the customer you just started serving putting a lid on a stranger's coffee in a way that means there is no [ __ ] chance of their lips touching something your fingers haven't kind of expect disappointment because then you'll never actually be disappointed why is MJ so shocked by Peter for plot this is a pretty common expression right this feels like saying knock knock and being surprised when someone says who's there doesn't really hurt any more student Ed and MJ constantly ask themselves why they were at the Statue of Liberty the Knight three Spider-Man attack villains from different universes we know that should still happen because Jay Jonah Jameson was yelling about it earlier speaking of which does anybody ask themselves why three Spider-Man were at the Statue of Liberty how'd you know her you see this to me is the huge contradiction and somehow not remembering Peter what's happening to Happy's memory does he vaguely remember someone talking to MJ over FaceTime do I have to bring up Mark Wahlberg's name again if I say his name one more time he appears in my house and eats my leftovers so someone needs to answer this question already you're saying that this whole place here it's just tons of super people was this movie trying to say that Venom was brought here by the doctor strange spell when did the Tom Hardy Venom know Peter was Spider-Man is this supposed to be the Topher Grace Venom but with Tom Hardy the [ __ ] because I'm eating of this not content with simple scenes of tease movies that act as trailers Marvel puts an actual goddamn trailer for Doctor Strange 2 at the end of this movie 58 seconds of into logo verse alright let's do this one last time clever narration hearkening back to almost every superhero or reboot having to have an origin story is still [ __ ] narration and it's still origin story so double sense I'm a comic book I'm a cereal did A Christmas album at this point can we make meta humor a sin because it feels like we should be able to also why are the generic cereals always ending with O's especially when Spidey snacks Spidey Flakes and Spidey grams are still on the table because the only thing standing between this city and Oblivion is me frighteningly roughly 11 000 New Yorkers say this to themselves every morning including but not limited to the mayor the D.A random aggressive cops deluded artists corrupt hot dog vendors and Howard Stern Sony headphones is only the first of many Sony Brock placements in this otherwise artistically original film look I get this is the style of Animation that the movie is using to make it stand out feel more authentically like a comic book or whatever but that doesn't make it any less irritating that the first time I saw this I spent 20 minutes of the movie trying to figure out if it was on purpose or if the theater employees were too busy jerking off in people's popcorn to pay attention to the presentation of the film and even when I realized it was on purpose I then spent 20 more minutes trying to figure out why my popcorn tasted a little extra salty I [Music] I love you Dad hilarious moment and it shows how much he loves miles but it also devastates miles reputation at the school what is up with these cones in this unused closest lane people are dropping kids off in lane two outside the counts are we just shutting down Lanes of traffic this morning because it goes near a school this five seconds of Montage alone should convince every American that we are putting too much pressure on our young students Christ think I've seen you before since we find out this Gwen Stacy is from Another Universe how exactly did she get into this prestigious private school it doesn't factor in at all to her Mission or reason for being there why would she even try to get in Jesus Christ is it possible to have too many references to Spider-Man in a Spider-Man movie this movie is pointing a pretty big Arrow to yes find that girl we walk up to him be like hey you serious Uncle here do not do this this is tragically bad advice I can't I can't character insists they won't can't do a thing over and over only to ultimately do that very thinkly [ __ ] my biggest problem with this time lapse is that Miles roommate apparently needs two PC screens a separate laptop and a phone all operating at once at like three in the morning this guy is either mining Bitcoin or he's mining Bitcoin I'm not going through puberty I did but I'm done movie was clearly spying on my middle school interactions with girls why wouldn't you just say her name was Gwen or whatever name she used to get into this school movie not being able to resist a moment this sitcom he deserves a Sit it's just puberty I don't know what puberty is Blondo would be excellent at CinemaSins somehow miles sticky spider hands rip a sticky spider hand shaped him out of her hair off her head and no one is going to question the stickiness of Miles hands I know why she isn't but everyone else should be really curious about what's going on here how exactly did you get all of Gwen's hair from the previous shot off of his hand [Music] narx how is it possible that Gwen is the only one looking up at this moment to see this why is this happening please stop sticking convenient comic book page placement is convenient where did the Green Goblin even go it's not as if Spider-Man incapacitated him he just swung down to help miles is that [ __ ] Tombstone God I love that this movie is bringing out these great underrated characters like Tombstone and the prowler and putting them on the big screen for the first time that deserves a set off Kingpin survives this get that thing ready to go [ __ ] how it was destroyed it'd be faster to build a new one from scratch [Music] maybe turn the flashlight off look at the center lines of this road and then the cars parked along the right there is no room for cars to drive in this Lane which means this street is too [ __ ] narrow or else all these cars are about to get towed for parking illegally also there is a meat to eat on both sides of this street nycers must love them some Meats to eat yeah I think it's a Banksy Banksy okay I gotta read these Comics so I can learn how to be a Spider-Man so definitely the best place for that is a dark alley thank you [Laughter] okay look if they buried Spider-Man in a public cemetery and they allowed people to visit it and drop off Trinkets and flowers then hey it would still be [ __ ] overrun with people since he literally just died and B there would be way the hell more Trinkets and flowers here she wanted kids and it scared me as a [ __ ] should who knows what that spider DNA mixed with human DNA would give birth to you could end up with Eric Stoltz in the fly too this whole sequence is fun and neat to look at I mean it but it's just covering up a super dump of exposition the snowman head was a good gag but there's no way it would stay on this long not a costume it was literally a ball of snow they were just making fat jokes about his gut a minute ago but now he looks pretty in shape actually lady Doc Ock is about to make some more jokes about his gut but my point is that the movie draws the gut only when it needs it considering how many times Kingpin has had to go up against Spider-Man I would think alcamex would have some exterior cameras pointing up to catch moments just like this and I guess I would be wrong but that doesn't make it any less stupid look at this data okay just a second ago this is how far above Kingpin the vent was then miles bumps into Peter Bob Bronco another three times closer Dr and Mrs peripheral vision here remember this password capital d g f a m-p that password is way longer than the one live typed in a second ago now obviously you've been glitching glitching no well someone saw Wreck-It Ralph let me tell you the goodness we don't need the monitor he told me about the visuals he told me about The Voice work they even told me about the fresh original story but they did not prepare me for how funny this was gonna be and that's a sin for they is there something you want to say to me how come he only ever glitches when it's super inconvenient or when he's talking about glitching [Music] dad Bruce Wayne Eat Your Heart Out long after the dust is settled and the newness is worn off people will still regard this film as [ __ ] fantastic but I personally will still be trying to point out to people how it's like 25 expositional character introductions because I'm a [ __ ] my Spider Sense told me to head to Visions Academy wasn't sure why until I met you but since Gwen was in the class miles showed up late for that means she was there before he was bitten by the spider so why would her Spider Sense tell her to go there do these abilities Spider Sense Destiny now the flashbacks of kingpin's loved ones which is also just another rapid fire Exposition dump in a movie full of them would get more emotions out of me if they'd dial back a bit on the Kingpin is comically large and his head is located where most folks sternums would be yeah I'm not sure how this action prevents Tombstone from still shooting the guns at lift since they're still clearly pointed at her I mean this place is pretentious and also just another bat cave you might need these if the other spider people have been here the whole time then why is the spider sense just now lighting up I just washed my hands that's why they're wet no other reason well we finally got to a joke in this movie that falls completely flat for me he might be a real canonical character but this is like Popeye showing up in the middle of The Incredibles sometimes I'll let matters burn down to my fingertips just to feel something anything the Snore Penny ham introduction sequence feels like one of those SNL sketches where they do celebrity Impressions and give us fake auditions for famous movies how did you get here the hell same as you why are you asking this look I made a promise so I have to keep it promises the dead people aren't all that important man I promised my grandfather that I would never forget him but I already don't remember his name I think it was Grandpa see no one cares can you swing and flip with the grace of a trained dancer do your ears hang low do they wobble to and fro can you time in a knot can you time in a bow come on Miles get off you need to be more honest with yourself about this after a test that lasted less than two minutes at least give him a day Jesus the one thing I will always never understand about these parallel Dimension films is the insistence on having everything be the exact [ __ ] Saint with maybe one word change like that red X struck in the background Red X really it's more likely that there's a FedEx in this universe than that there's a red X in recreating the magic thumb drive that kills the collider the specifics of which this movie has yada yada to hell and back but they took the time to laser etch a spider logo on it because reasons you gotta go man I'm fast despite the fact that miles is wearing a cheap Halloween costume it remains completely unshredded after he was dragged across a roof I'm sorry the only way keep going does every incarnation of Spider-Man have to lose a beloved Uncle what about MJ well that new documentary really did a number on his popularity and honestly oh you meant Mary Jane right well several states have legalized it and two dozen have made it legal for medicinal purposes but they're still along with oh [ __ ] you met Mary Jane the person didn't you [ __ ] I know how much you want this kid all these spider dicks teaming up to prevent miles from taking part in the climax because they want to protect him [ __ ] it took you long enough it took a long enough cliche God damn this movie has momentum and an understanding of comic books never before demonstrated by any movie adaptation that came before this is a fun figuring out the power scene but there is a timetable right you're telling me he's had time to get to Aunt maze spray paint the suit let it dry and do this Montage before they could get to the collider and send everyone home are they still taking the bus just for comedy Now boy the shirt did clean up the mess of that last collider accident build a new machine in a [ __ ] hurry like two days I think it was two days that's so amazing I'm willing to call both they do this ceiling hiding trick a lot and usually I let it go but there's [ __ ] five of them including a giant robot and those ceilings aren't that hot there's zero chance Kingpin or the two guards didn't notice them before now so we all realize that everyone in that building just got trans-dimensionalized and probably died a horrible painful death just making sure everyone's good with that this this is kind of fun at all but it's just Yoda fighting Dooku right one of the movie's only problems is sometimes leaving viewers with a bad case of what the [ __ ] just happeneditis at some at some point this movie did you wants me to just roll with it and for the most part I can't still a sin but it's a fun sin I'd be sad if this girl and a robot were more than glorified Cameo characters you first penny but how do they know they will each go back to their own Dimension miles letting go of Peter here after both have finally understood their purpose it won't be but that was the superhero moment not whatever ass beating miles does after this why would Vanessa and Richard start randomly appearing here like most superhero films the final few minutes turn into one big animated ball of nonsense as they follow through the I guess a scene from Inner Space somehow miles and his father are both still alive and both still in or on things that are intact and can both see each other from this distance while falling into purgatory push the gray button for me this works miles dad survives this okay let's do this one last time yeah for real this time if we have to okay but I remember that scene on the bus they work Buddy Buddy they just met they were just getting to know each other he said if you ever decide to do friends again I could open up a slot and she awkwardly replied I'll keep you posted now is that the kind of conversation that ends with one of them saying let's take a selfie together possible cannibalism got a minute what is happening is he remembering her is she calling to him from another dimension it's Gwen's voice but I feel like I should know what this means and I don't this movie rules everyone that worked on it deserves mention but this movie has 10 minutes of credits that's excessive especially when the movie is going to put an after credit scene at the end computer salesman computer engineer computer analyst my Lord even the computers need analytes these days they have the internet on computers now [Music] Tommy how's it beeping Tommy that's a vaping it's Donald Redberry shot himself in 1980 Charles Boyer 1978 pills again Charles Butterworth 1946 I think in a car supposedly it was an accident but you know he was destroyed Dorothy Dandridge pills 1965 Albert Decker 1968 he hung himself he wrote his suicide note and lipstick on his stomach oh he is the one most is my friend you don't have any friends nobody likes you how strange there's nobody here [Music] a bit of a slob isn't he all brilliant men are [Music] oh you're in charge well I got some bad news for you foreign [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] there it is [Music] [Music] this is my dream y'all all this look at my I got gold bullets look at my this ain't nothing I got I got rooms of this [ __ ] I got my dark tanning oil lay out by the pool put on my dark tanning oil my spaceship USS Enterprise on this [ __ ] I go to different planets on this [ __ ] me and my [ __ ] Franklin's here we take off masks it's not about you you mathematical dick what if you remain a Sandy little butthole why do we fall [Music] so that we can learn to pick ourselves up and that is the truth that you left behind right there in that bedroom [Music] [Applause] [Music] you're mad at me Chad you know what I'm not your mommy your father was a very secretive man I love science you love someone passionate about it because you're so into science going out of the next stop first we ride the cyclone do you know how easy this is for me I bring It come on Parker come on am I right or wrong Saigon I'm still lonely in Saigon should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecue ribs with the side order gravy fries according to cocktails plan I'm the enemy because I like to think I like to read I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice how do you know my name who throws his shoe honestly this is what we call an orgy of evidence no many Origins I had as a homicide couple none India golf 9 in the blind guard disengage repeat disengage hey you kicked me off the boarding when I was 11. eleven eleven I do everything I know first the Earth cooled and then the dinosaurs came there's always money in a banana stand what are you I'm Batman hey shoot lady yes I kind of feel bad calling you soup lady I think I should probably give you a name Samantha like Liz no no no what about Karen Samantha Peter don't tell Harry the world's changed it's time we change too you either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain [Music] excited about the science trip hey uh yeah we're just talking about the trip you guys are losers but then why do you sit with us because I don't have any friends you should probably download a VPN on your phone just so that the government can't track you while we're abroad we'll do she's got the crazy eyes I want to ride the pony because I thought that was just theoretical I mean that completely changes how we understand the initial singularity the battle station is heavily shielded and carries a Firepower greater than half the star Fleet I'm sorry did you say Prague I've been to Prague well I haven't been to Prague been to Prague but I know that thing I know that stop shaving your armpits read the unbearable lightness of being fall in love with a sculptor now I realize how bad American coffee is thing I'm Peter Parker I need your clothes your boots and your motorcycle it's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man today we burn the village [Applause] then everyone will listen the killing the North [Music] that's not how the spell Works once again things that could have been brought to my attention yesterday everyone in the world is going to forget that you're Spider-Man except your girlfriend thank you so much I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard and and I don't want any zombie turkeys I don't want to turn into a turkey myself Steven listen I am so call me snake you know I know a couple of magic words myself starting with the word please pretty please with sugar on top clean the [ __ ] car boy what's happening you didn't see anything the Statue of Liberty good God folks [ __ ] this [ __ ] this is merely superconductor electromagnetism surely you've heard of it talk to cars [ __ ] you we were supposed to kill two birds with one stone destroy a piece of corporate art and trash a franchise coffee bar do you know how easy this is for me I know why you left everyone who said it was because of the TV but I don't believe that I got some questions you want answers I think I'm entitled you want answers find that girl we walk up to him and be like how you doing [Music] if you don't tell me your name I'm gonna have to make one up it's Diane Sawyer hello I'm Gonna Roll you into a little ball and shove you up my vagina good job wait what

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,688,711

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, Spider-Man, Spider-Man: No Way Home, Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 3, andrew garfield spider man, tobey maguire spider man, The Amazing Spider-Man, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, spider-man, spider man movies, spider man franchise, spiderman, tom holland spider man, Spider-Man Homecoming, Spider-Man Far From Home, tom holland and zendaya, Spider-Man No Way Home, Spider-Man Into The Spider-Verse

Id: bz2ojeC0Ud4

Length: 146min 13sec (8773 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 24 2023