Everything Wrong With the ENTIRE Star Wars Prequels

[Music] man i cannot wait to find out what happened to lukon and leia after the return of the episode one episode one does that mean this story's going backwards literally and figuratively also reading also i didn't read any of that let alone comprehend it a new hopes first scene battle of vader overtaking leia's [ __ ] empire's first scene hoth battle return of the jedi's first scene tatooine rescue but this movie's first scene political ambassador is part of an envoy to talk about trade blockades funny since the days of episode 4 which is technically after this movie's events how much extra technology this era has over its successor this way please when our high-ranking political guests have to walk at the slow-ass pace of a droid like this maybe we've taken the robot workers concept too far i have a bad feeling about this come with me if you want to live also liam neeson isn't killing anyone in this scene also god damn it this stupid-ass rat tail i thought various ponytails were for either preventing hair from getting in the way or to be cool this is neither discuss be mindful of the living force young padawan the ambassadors are jedi knights i believe why would the chancellor send obvious jedi to the trade federation when it's pretty obvious they would never agree to enter the same room with them sending jedi to something like this is almost like declaring war at least make them not dress like jedi so it can be a surprise kill them immediately as you wish because killing jedi is easy we're on it boss can you send gas to just one room when you feed it into the air conditioning system or was this room created by spectre to execute people you don't like on a whim they must be dead by now destroy what's left of them not only does this [ __ ] not wait long enough for the jedi to be dead but he also thinks dead jedi need further destruction these mothers had these jedi in here all alone with pretty much nowhere to go the room is filled with gas they had no reason to open this door at all even if you think they might lightsaber their way through the door why not just have your droids waiting to gun them down as they did that check it out corporal we'll cover you robot soldiers have corporals here's your action in a nutshell jedi mowing down mindless minions making a mockery of middling mechanisms what is going on down there we lost the transmission sir you might be expecting me to send these characters obviously racist accents and fine i will but i'm more interested in seeing how an advanced ship like this could possibly lose all transmission from the affected area you don't have a backup camera or hallway gear why not just do that for the whole army what did this exactly do anyway are they dead unconscious are we about to see them reboot like all terminators do all this destruction and there isn't any smoke scratch marks burns or anything marking a battle took place other than some ruined droids if you want to know why subconsciously you were hating this movie it's little details like that did someone open a dusty chest where this spare droid was just lying around fly my pretty fly they are still coming through this is impossible this guy doesn't understand what impossible means or jedi master destroyers this movie suddenly becomes like a video game where the bad guys send new enemies for the hero to fight but just two of them so the game doesn't get too challenging too fast are they watching this footage in the door that was nearly melted by qui-gon just a second ago they've gone up the ventilation shop quick shoot some gas in there i see they applied natalie portman's board makeup oh wait that's not makeup a communications disruption can mean only one thing invasion what do you not know about asteroids and other space anomalies or communications always perfect for you [ __ ] the senate would revoke their trade franchise and they'd be finished you're still talking about this why didn't this movie start off with jedi doing real jedi thing with the political theater firmly in the background who gives about this stuff i will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war but i will condone this hairdo i'm sporting which surely cost gobs of government dollars but whatever i'm guessing in 2019 george lucas will want to add some more lizards to this shot so that will finally be complete this is basically jurassic avatar oh boy i love you so look of course we're going to raise a sin total by 100 just because of jar jar binks but as we all know jar jar is just a symptom of a far greater evil going on with these movies blissfully unaware of what makes a positive impact glad we could see the camera follow this chunk of sprites falling to the ground to add to our enjoyment i think this movie's discount digimon scene was so cheap it might as well be from spaceballs jedi can only go underwater via the help of something they stole from q at mi6 jar jar is the friendliest song of the south character of the modern era you sir go into the bosses you sign big doo-doo this time user in big doo-doo this time you can see it right the green screen studio ewan mcgregor and liam neeson are standing in a droid army is about to attack the naboo we must warn them [Music] wait i thought naboo was the name of the planet you and the naboo form a symbian circle what happens to one of you will affect the other you must understand this it appears that the gungans and the naboo are completely separate from each other these guys live in what is basically a secret underwater city and do fine without one another so i don't get it a speediest way to the naboo it is going through the planned core this place is basically earth right the planet core isn't going to be ridiculously hot or anything okay also the whole reason the clone army came down to naboo was to fight the people here but they decided to land on the other side of the planet [ __ ] why is it so we could see star wars turn into finding nemo before finding nemo existed use me what you call her life dead your god's demand that his life belongs to mena i know this because i know everything about your culture i just learned existed five minutes ago i mean seriously he just had this exchange with obi-wan master what's a bongo a transporter but now he's suddenly an expert on gungan law get out of here you know some folks say lucas got bogged down in his world creation with the prequels and those people are on to something and not entirely wrong this underwater craft built by an underwater civilization has no mechanism for detecting ginormous fish that might be swimming behind it within swallowing distance twenty thousand jedi under the sea a big thing that ate a smaller thing gets eaten by an even bigger thing cliche we're not even 20 minutes in and these hologram meetings made me want to stab the movie screen with twizzlers i have the senate bogged down in procedures they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system why you didn't tell him about the missing jedi no need to report that to him until we have something to report and obviously the reigning sith lord can't sense jedi activity on his own so we're gravy baby where is it going don't worry the force will guide us the force also guided you to nearly getting eaten by a goober fish just a second ago why do we trust this force anyway obi-wan fixes the ship by playing with a couple of wires seems legit relax qui-gon waits 20 minutes into this movie to do this why are these invading ships attacking in a straight line instead of a super wide front viceroy we have captured the queen ah victory wait they captured the queen without a fight that's not so much a victory as it is a forfeit jar jar sub containing two jedi pops up to the surface of a downtown naboo waterway and no one notices this is actually fake queen amidala played by keira knightley and this trailing servant is actually natalie portman the real queen which you only really notice on your second or third viewing but my question is what the [ __ ] are you doing watching this the second or third time i'm curious about many things in this shot most importantly the reason why it looks fake these birds are flying to join the birdemic i'll let you debate which movie is better you could argue that it's a huge coincidence the two jedi show up in naboo at the same time the queen is being whisked away and at the same spot but someone's just gonna show up in the comments schooling you on midichlorians so why bother we should leave the street johannes so absolutely no one from the federation except a bunch of droids were ensuring the queen got to the right place they needed to sign a treaty to make this invasion of theirs legal they can't afford to kill her what they need her to sign a treaty to make the invasion of her home planet legal movie substitutes the previous robot action scenes in like we won't notice there's a blockade one ship is going to attempt to go through a planetary blockade with the queen in tow in other news i just beat lebron james one on one with one hand tied behind my back my left shoe tied to my right shoe and playing with a football when i was on offense every droid but r2d2 gets shot off the surface of the ship like bottles on kid rock's fence r2 though that is indestructible of course and that's saying nothing about these droids crazy ability to drive on the exterior surface of a moving spaceship we can't get the shield generator fixed we'll be sitting ducks aren't you all ready you're right in front of the blockade with a million ships staring you down how are they missing you deflect the shields up at maximum so this movie is saying if you have a shield generator you can easily survive a blockade also once you escape a planetary blockade no one comes after you i want that treaty signed why does it matter if the treaty gets signed or not aren't you evil do you care about laws also movie steals the treaty excitement from um that one exciting treaty based movie i wanna know how holograms actually work is there a booth you step inside from the emperor's perspective does he see these two guys sitting down as holograms on opposite sides of a table if so what at this table is broadcasting them also what's up with this hologram technology that darth maul could be standing a few feet behind his master and not be seen but step forward and reveal himself an extremely well put together little droid your highness the queen has time to recognize droid heroism r2d2 your highness yay r2d2 i remember that little guy i completely forget that the first 28 minutes of this movie was about trade disputes the hyperdrive generator's gone master we'll need a new one that'll complicate things and the screenwriter saw that it was good and it was good we're on a stealth mission so let's bring the slow asteroid and the clumsy courchester jar jar brilliant oh [Music] fine even if this movie is for kids even if jar jar was made for kids no matter what excuse you give me the stepping in scene is basically a metaphor for the whole franchise name one great kids movie that has a scene like this go ahead i'm waiting don't touch anything dictionary is unsatisfactory in coming up with the right words of anger for this scene are you an angel thus began the least believable on-screen romance since anakin and padme and attack of the clones wait if you subscribe to the brand new and totally insane internet theory that jar jar was readily intended to be a yoda like evil jedi master this whole time how do you explain this three's company bull credits will do fine no they won't what you think you're some kind of jedi waving your hand around like that this didn't work against jabba and it didn't work against this piss-hand so if the force is only good against the weak-minded what good is it it should be able to take down some smarter creatures too if it's worth a damn wouldn't have lasted long anyways if i wasn't so good at building things character backstory disguised as whining is that greedo in the background why can't that [ __ ] be shooting his trigger happy gun right now when a body meets a body coming through the cgi chess goes to bulba chaparko umengisa aren't you supposed to be cleaning the racks how did you get out of your child labor obligations to go save jar jar this storm will slow them down looks pretty bad it does i mean i hear wind sound effects and the picture is a tiny bit blurry but as a viewer i've been given no indication of a super serious sudden sandstorm or its severity we'll head back to our ship is it far anakin is allowed to walk around with qui-gon everywhere he goes now because he's saved the most annoying character in the movie from a fight how these characters all end up together is hardly organic jar jar does nothing except be oppressed so they keep it anakin saves that [ __ ] so they keep it remember how luke and han became a team it came out of need these characters get to tag along because the script says so come on i'll take you to my place because sand storms are very very dangerous and this sandstorm happened to coincide with the time when the jedi and company were humoring a little boy tour guide the rest of all the star wars can happen isn't he great he's not finished yet so anakin built c-3po also the odds of them being in the same narrative by the time a new hope rolls around are astronomical i don't believe we have been intrigued movie takes a character introduction that should feel epic and makes it feel what's the opposite of epic a death toll is catastrophic as is this bill i just got for hologram communications it is absolutely through the roof we must survive in our role jar jar misses the apple but he's definitely an [ __ ] i'm the only human who can do it you must have jedi reflexes if you race bars heart racing it's no different from nascar or formula one the only human who can do it just another explanation for qui-gon to recruit this kid into the jedi academy the prize money would more than pay for the parts they need basically star wars turned into one of those 80 sitcoms where the characters need ten thousand dollars and they find out there's a dance competition where they can win ten thousand dollars he was meant to help you thank god jar jar got curious about some [ __ ] accidentally started a fight with some [ __ ] and anakin was around to save it even though i still don't think he cleaned those racks hologram budget exceeds 50 million what if this plan fails master by the way movie sticks obi-wan on this ship doing nothing the entire time on tatooine that's exactly what we wanted to see the badass character from the original trilogy do now didn't we there's something about this boy why can't they jedi talk to each other why do they need these little radios who was his father there was no father wow way to jesus christ the anakin character you know what would have been way more interesting almost any mysterious character from the galaxy impregnating you and then leaving you could have even made that a big surprise reveal in the third movie somehow anything but this oh no okay quiet baby greedo you're lucky we even let you hold the paddle this movie has officially come to a dead stop what's happened so far 28 minutes about taxes and another 15 minutes or so of the brown bunny when we watch vincent gallo wash his car in real time 35 second long conversation about midichlorians is 36 seconds too long i need a midi chlorine count hey you remember when you watched the original trilogy and you thought man if i could believe in the force i could be a jedi well it turns out jedi creation depends on whether or not you have a lot of something really dumb called midichlorians in your bloodstream how does an evil ship with a sith lord on it land on this planet without radar or jedi intuition picking it up as usual in these movies only the bad guys have autonomous probes i'll wager my new racing part against say the boy and his mother oh i see qui-gon either knows for a fact that anakin will win the race or he's literally risking everything on a hunch either way sit qui-gon practices the jedi way and cheats at the dice throw he should just use his jedi powers to sabotage the race if he's gonna subvert honesty anyway i can assure you they will never get me onto one of those dreadful starships i love how strange evil flying drones are able to wander this planet without anyone thinking it's weird or shady the first star wars accomplished and established more in 20 minutes than this movie has in an hour sure why not here's a hundred cents sebulbus sabotages anakin's pod racer in front of thousands of spectators yet no one sees a thing i just noticed something qui-gon is played by a real person why didn't you [ __ ] tell me next thing you know you're gonna tell me the kid isn't cgi lucas thinks the mere appearance of jabba will make us jizz our pants but lucas is wrong as hell is there seriously nothing that tells anakin that some part of his pod is broken right now okay i'll admit it pod racing is badass and i'll even give two sins off for it but it's not gonna help this piece of trash's ultimate sin score that much just in case you were wondering what happened to this guy you didn't care about here's a scene explaining what happened to him alien rat carcass is here get your alien rat carcasses here in the lead followed closely by skywalker okay so how did anakin catch up to bulba after his pod didn't start for the first 20 seconds of the race and if his pot is faster then why hasn't he blown past him already he's had two major delays and somehow he's right behind the leader remember when subalba sabotaged anakin's pod before the race even started yeah after three laps and going zany miles per hour only now does that affect the ship so these computer screens tell you when something's wrong after all but only after a ton of damage has been done oh isn't that cute this movie thinks it's been her jabba does an impression of me watching a nascar race well we have all the essential parts we need i'm going back if you hear groaning it's because these camel aardvark things are cgi abominations that were called into existence by an unmerciful god our meeting was not a coincidence yeah it was look at the things that had to happen before they ran into anakin he had to stumble on jar jar on another planet take him in have him show them where his home was get released by the gungans survive going through the naboo corps have ship problems on the way to another planet just happened to land on tatooine befriend the child slave of a guy who sold the part they needed and then have jar jar accidentally get into a fight with a professional pod racer so anakin could break it up even then the kid just kind of joined him without an invite and i still don't think he cleaned those racks so what the hell has this probe been doing the whole time darth maul sent three of these things out late one night about 25 minutes ago in movie time these things couldn't find the broken down ship for one whole evening during the pod racing the next day and a 5 hour goodbye to annie's mom qui-gon and anakin are already running long before they know a sith is just about ready to attack anakin trump why couldn't you feel darth maul approaching a lot sooner than this thank god george lucas shot this lightsaber battle in super close up jump cutovision because i almost figured out what was happening in this scene take off why doesn't obi-wan help qui-gon fight this guy neither the jedi are important for this ship they just need to get queen amidala to the senate and later the jedi council tells him to go investigate darth maul anyway so why not now anakin skywalker meet obi-wan kenobi meeting that should have been a lot cooler than it is we're a democracy the people have decided tuck him away skip padme will go from maternal figure in this film to sexual partner in the next like that and that is creepy as [ __ ] space is cold it sure is but aren't you on a ship doesn't it have heat i made this for you i carved it out of its poor snippet when did you have time to do that the total time qui-gon and everybody was down on the planet was like three days and most of that time was spent fixing up your pod racer also deport snippets i don't need this to remember you by because we already have a creepy romantic connection that won't be spoken of allowed until you're old enough for me to see your jibber snippet if you know what i mean wink many things will change when you reach the capitol annie it's called puberty coruscant the entire planet is one big city thanks narrator i'm grateful for your concern chancellor do you think that maybe this fake queen has actually been playing the queen for so long she's gone too deep undercover you think maybe she feels like she's actually the queen right now these airships all stay in their lanes despite there not being any clear back to the future two lane markers or anything green amidala you look so obviously different from the last time i saw you how do those handmaiden disguises even work the courts take even longer to decide things than the senate they do well took an hour and 24 minutes for yoda to even show up in this movie you want to figure out where things went wrong it's having jedi play politics and only using their powers to smash up [ __ ] robots why didn't this movie start at a secret jedi training ground something kind of like dagobah where darth maul comes in and assassinates a jedi master played by delroy lindo or someone else90s and start the movie with that instead of tax law a boy his cells have the highest concentration of midichlorians i have seen in a life form therefore he's a good guy i think it is possible he was conceived by the midichlorians the midi chlorians were later arrested for sex events you refer to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the force no because star wars would never do anything as stupid as having some ancient prophecy muddy the waters right who makes these prophecies which started right here with the taxation of trade routes star wars episode 1 it's just as exciting as watching c-span i present queen amidala recently elected ruler of the naboo who speaks on our behalf making my job as senator completely superfluous also space politics also this dangling dildo bullhorn hairdo i know you want me to say something about the e.t delegation down here but i'm much more concerned about the okeboogi delegation appear absolutely butchering the running man the boy will not pass the council's test master jealous much do not defy the council master not again movie hints at a much better movie that we'll never get to see afraid to lose her i think well wouldn't you be too jedi counsel makes it out like loving your mom is bad [ __ ] fear is the path to the dark side movie continues assault on fear as though it never once led to a saved life or an avoided accident also if you're telling me no jedi has ever had fears [ __ ] you yoda you're a liar and a [ __ ] everyone has fears why don't you just teach the kid how to move beyond them instead of acting like he's a total cheese for even having them samuel l jackson just grateful to be in these [ __ ] movies will now stroke his chin knowingly you're thinking you said people gonna die ladies and gentlemen the power converters line of the new trilogy no he will not be trained yoda just went on a rant about how fear leads to the dark side but isn't the council practicing fear by not allowing the training of anakin an apprentice you have qui-gon impossible to take out a second the code forbids it why i heard yoda talking about midichlorians i've been wondering what are midichlorians skip i don't understand i think jake lloyd got a bum rap look at the cast of this movie it's full of amazing actors ewan mcgregor samuel jackson natalie portman liam neeson kyra knightley and they're all playing blocks of wood i can almost hear lucas on set that was a good take but try doing the line more like you're dead inside you know like you're a computer lucas deserves any and all sins that might otherwise have been directed to the actors in this movie come on there's no chance you can roll up the high edge of this platform but we'll cut away before that so no one will ever know did something happen to the blockade remember absolutely nothing changed since they left except the trade federation has a tighter stronghold on the planet so why the free reign to fly into naboo all of a sudden i am queen amidala i'm sorry for my deception but it was necessary to protect myself how were you also fooled by the ancient statues that are never explained and have no bearing on the plot accidentally inspire lost we shall make you bomb bad general well he certainly is qualified we can enter the city using the secret passages on the waterfall side secret passages x-mochina somehow george lucas manages to rip off the never-ending story once we get inside you find a safe place to hide and stay there what the [ __ ] is he doing on this mission anyway why isn't he chilling in obi-wan's apartment somewhere watching cheesy how to be a jedi videos phantom menace accidentally inspires all the albums made by t-pain prequel screen that guy should have ejected steady steady oh no one's listening to your dumb ass well why didn't they just do this before also what kind of force field keeps out cannon fire but let's droids just walk through it we'll handle this i don't know why the jedi have to take darth maul by themselves they have a whole army behind them that could easily take him out right now [Music] well darth maul is a criminally underused badass and duel of the fates is one of the finest pieces of film score ever written so we'll take three sins off here without looking back wait here it is while looking for the trigger anakin a trained pilot first pushes two dashboard buttons before grabbing the obvious trigger device everything this scene is and represents also in the span of six seconds jar jar hits more targets than all the stormtroopers in the entire star wars franchise combined and on accident why isn't anakin dead he doesn't even know how to fly this thing yet and he's running straight into the enemy without any problem i'll try spinning that's a good trick yeah try that [ __ ] kid we hate who we already know is going to survive whatever bullsh we see try that birds we're about to see our first true scene of suspense in the movie but what the hell is this place this is some galaxy question here oh yeah the gungans are fighting in this battle i completely don't care about them i mean forgot about them jar jar makes a fantastic tactical decision by complete accident your occupation here has ended after her this one's a decoy look i know you want to make these trade federation guys half wits but do they really think the real queen would just run out the open like this to save a decoy also why were they certain the unmade up queen was the queen anyway i know amidala came out from hiding to the gungans but to the rest of the world too well it isn't a jedi sith duel without there being an impossibly unending fall of some kind nearby what's that it's blowing up from the inside yeah funny story some little kid accidentally autopiloted one of our spacecraft inside the enemy ship and then accidentally fired a torpedo to set off the very chain reaction we need to defeat this thing i know i didn't believe it either but what are you gonna do am i right now this is pod racing no it's not too bad you don't have the thousand other ships that were forming the blockade earlier oh well enemies are controlled by one power source and die when it explodes cliche darth maul taunts obi-wan here but wouldn't it be pretty easy for him to kill obi-wan by like spear throwing his lightsaber five feet down into obi-wan's face i mean where's he gonna go to dodge that darth maul stands perfectly still while obi-wan does all this [ __ ] kill him also the coolest character this trilogy has gets killed like a little [ __ ] in the first movie it's too late you're still alive goodbye qui-gon i'll be sure to mention you in the next trilogy psych why did amidala bother going back into her queen makeup and outfit after doing battle with her soldiers did they actually sit around and wait for her to get all formal before sending the viceroy back confer on you the level of jedi knight the council does because you killed that one sith guy and not because you passed whatever nebulous trials were talked about earlier but which were never shown grave danger i fear in his training fear leads to the dark side yoda agree with you the council does the jedi council changes their mind about training anakin because he lucked out destroying the droid ship they still sense fear in him right nothing else has changed right [Music] qui-gon's funeral is for some reason held on naboo what will happen to me now you turn into hayden christensen of course there's no doubt the mysterious warrior was a sith always true there are except when you kill one right then there's only one right right but which was destroyed the master or the apprentice this would be a great way to end the movie but well the first movie i did with a big celebration so i guess this one has to as well [Music] are you still excited by this because that means you didn't see the last movie opening text crawling continues to bore and delight everyone more talk about the senate the next thing you know this franchise is going to turn into the manchurian candidate which is a great movie when it's not called star wars the third paragraph of this crawl is about the exciting action of voting discount cgi cloud city there was no danger at all the bomb was time to explode at the moment of jinxing i found you senator well you blew up instead of her so i'd say that's pretty successful senator amidala please how does one go from queen to senator do you have to renounce your bloodlines claim to the throne is senator actually a higher office than queen to this society i am so confused we're keepers of the peace not soldiers um did the jedi luck out with sporadic uprisings until this moment in time how do they keep the peace with so few of them if there aren't enough to go to war that's like having a national guard based in nebraska with 15 people in it who can go to florida if need be but are powerless if anything happens later in texas the dark side clouds everything let's just go ahead and say it yoda is useless as a prophet also how does palpatine have such amazing control of the dark side of the force that none of these jedi can sense it three feet away impossible to see the future is and yet future prophecy bull will drive everything we do from here on desktop hologram i think the count dooku was behind it well then if you say so the account dooku was once a jedi he couldn't assassinate anyone it's not in his character did these [ __ ] never once run into a jedi who went to the dark side why does everyone fret about training someone like anakin if that's the case sure darth maul said something about revealing ourselves to the jedi but i thought he was implying they'd been gone a long time not that they never existed he's just returned from a border dispute on antion he and anakin were able to take care of that border dispute all by themselves not only amazing but not filmed to show us how that works i haven't felt you this tense since since we fell into that nest of gun darks that sounds exciting let's watch that instead of this just like a phone that constantly rings jar jar enters the picture to jangle your nerves annie my goodness you've grown but you haven't hell you guys are the same age now and he'll always be that little boy i knew i'm tattooing so let's have kids together i hit the ship but they used a decoy why did you wait until the ship was deboarding to hit it we'll have to try something more subtle this time sam why ah she covered the cameras i don't think she liked me watching her yeah would anybody especially someone who basically led dick first during the introductions a minute ago you're using her as bait why not use another decoy why not dress a drag in her bedroom while she sleeps on an underscript floor of this building besides your senses aren't that attuned to my young apprentice and yours are just how much bag talk has obi-wan put up with from this little throughout the years because i'm betting it's way too much just being around her again is intoxicating good god man anakin is already out of control a guy needs to bang a hooker fast you've made a commitment to the jedi order a commitment not easily broken and which doesn't allow for the power of boners if they know the exact floor and exact room padme is sleeping in why didn't they just program this thing to fire missiles into the room yeah yeah the assassins felt like they needed to be more subtle but do you think people wouldn't be able to figure out this was foul play the chancellor doesn't appear to be corrupt [Laughter] now here's something extremely weird obi-wan jumps and crashes through the window like a dick through blinds and what is probably some tough-ass glass even if it has a small hole in it it's amazing it doesn't fall to his death right here this is something unbecoming of his character and something anakin might more likely do since he's a hormone-based horndog of a jedi right now also obi-wan jumps out of a window to grab onto a probe sent to kill padme because he thinks the probe will lead him to the person controlling it he thinks he can interrogate the probe who sent you probe you'd also think a subtle device like this might have a self-destruct button in order to evade evidence and capture but we luckily for obi-wan this murder probe is programmed to return to its owner after a failed murder attempt i've got a gun that can fire with utmost accuracy but i'll shoot the probe and let gravity decide this whoa wait what's that is that my falling master in the middle of all this craziness x-mocking it to the rescue this is the equivalent of thinking that if you jump at the last minute in a falling elevator you'll be safe serious obi-wan finds the assassin because i guess every question is answered with the force but even with that the assassin decided to fly in the general direction of obi-wan's fall just a second ago even though she was way up high earlier jeez how do they survive this the answer is just because phew glad that's over time to take off my mask for virtually no reason i hate it when he does that you did the exact same thing a minute ago do you remember crashing through the glass after a [ __ ] flying probe here's the problem if you're going to explain he survives these things and somehow knows where zam's ship is just because of the force you're gonna have to do a better job of relaying that message this is some serious [ __ ] right here anakin doesn't pull out his lightsaber and infiltrate or crash this speeder instantly what once anakin does use his lightsaber he's terrifically bad at killing speeder pilots with it this is more unbelievable than harry finding peter in the world unity festival crowd in spider-man the stupid kid finding spider-man's mask and spider-man 2 and peter parker finding his engagement ring while falling off a building in spider-man 3. also obi-wan conveniently catches anakin's lightsaber but then sets it on the passenger seat without care almost ensuring it will go airborne or otherwise missing during the ensuing aerial chase also i thought anakin wanted to see where the ship went where the assassin went and who she's working for instead he just went right back to let's kill this [ __ ] and doesn't seem the least bit concerned about the other knowledge this weapon is your life it really isn't you can make more and there are alternatives to fighting as we learn from somebody else in the earlier trilogy i forget who why do i get the feeling you're going to be the death of me not hilarious overly manipulated foreshadowing you want to buy some death sticks what a creative name for a thing you want to go home and rethink your life i want to go home and rethink my life this is the only time jedi mind tricks ever work once with a stormtrooper in the first movie and with this drug dealer in the fifth movie also during this entire chase no one is standing at the door to make sure the assassin doesn't walk out obi-wan is drinking definitely something a jedi does when hunting somebody down oh now i know why obi-wan is drinking so that there's a call back to the original star wars in the mos eisley cantina and so george lucas can find an excuse to cut off another limb also why didn't she just shift into her other cell for a disguise and simply walk out tell us now they don't even try to jedi mind to exam they just go the old fashioned batman and or jack bauer route it was a bounty hunter called there's no chance in hell django knew where anyone was and what time they'd be here just go right to hell without by the way he had no problem jumping after probes and defying death and traffic a minute ago to find zam but this django dude ah we'll just wait here and hope the dying changeling can tell us some stuff toxic dirt it'll probably be the only good shot this guy ever gets off during these movies what about senator amidala she will still need protecting handle that your padawan will i sensed he cared deeply about his mother and didn't want to train him because of that earlier but now i can't sense this horny teenager's desire and will make him the primary guard for amidala everything here would look beautiful if it didn't look fake the boy has exceptional skills but he still has much to learn master somehow between the last movie and this one obi-wan and the jedi council have completely reversed their roles on the idea of anakin as a jedi too sure of themselves they are maybe it's that constant fear leads to the dark side tribe you've been preaching this whole time that makes them more confident than they should be the prophecy is true your apprentice is the only one who can bring the force back into balance yeah about this prophecy is there some sort of turmoil going on where the jedi need the force to come back into balance if so what does anakin need to do to bring about that balance exist there's absolutely no explanation for this and it feels like it was put in the script just to sound good it will be your responsibility to take my place in the senate representative binks well he certainly is qualified i haven't worked for a year to defeat the military creation act to not be here when its fate is decided amidala's exposition is as clunky as the opening crawl which already talked about this vote for which she wants to be present funny how after amidala had to run in with the autonomous probe the previous night she's allowed to walk around unobstructed windows to her hearts to light he's overly critical he never listens where the [ __ ] did this come from you were just talking about making sure she's safe and it turned into a diatribe about how life's unfair to you it's not fair padme will not only ignore this childishness but go on to enter a sexual relationship with this whiny baby please don't look at me like that why not because it feels like you wanna [ __ ] me with your lightsaber or your creepy bastard sorry milady well that is evil and creepy and now i need a shower rose byrne and natalie portman are not my sister wives in the sink don't do anything without first consulting either myself or the council especially [ __ ] this queen you hear i ain't seen one of these systems prospecting you saw these kinds of poison darts when you were prospecting i see funny little cats on the side to give it away those analysis droids only focus on symbols oh i mean what this is a library right and it looks like everything is digital so why the need for large stacks of blue everywhere um the official subtitles here say that r2d2 gave that cook robot raspberries i'll be with the people that i love you did not love her yet you haven't even seen her in 10 years you have a boner that's it how does jedi training not include sex ed attachment is forbidden so do all the jedi just hope that all potential jedi in the universe are created by that shmi skywalker method of midi glory and pregnancy i'll tell you how this romance is made even more painful it has to start with amidala resisting anakin for nearly the whole movie before they can start lying around in flowers and floaty ball practice because someone erased it from the archive memory oh come on so let me get this straight just on the off chance someone was looking for this planet for whatever reason someone decided to erase it from the archives and why would anyone be looking for this planet except when someone finds a rare poison dart that only the chef at a diner could recognize also they removed the planet but they didn't remove anything else that might help someone locate it that gives you like the opposite effect of what you're trying to accomplish right you might as well put a neon sign there that said planet removed for incriminating purposes but master yoda who could empty information from the archives that's impossible isn't it yeah who could it be who has the power around here i'm gonna blame george w bush until we get to the bottom of this apparently r2 navigates stairs one by one very slowly but can catch up to them no problem even though they never stop i heard they even tried to amend the constitution so you could stay in office she was a queen though right not an elected official or does this planet just elect people and call them queens the day we stop believing democracy can work is the day we lose it let's pray that day never comes you have a queen in this world right isn't that a monarchy or are you like the british monarchy where you have a queen but she has no power there it is our four yep the planet we've probably seen for many many parsecs because it is a huge celestial body in space i am just now acknowledging that i see it you will be delighted to hear that we are on schedule all these people need to know is that obi-wan is a jedi and they just blab the whole evil plan to him before making sure it's okay to tell it i don't like sand it's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere never a more eloquent word was spoken in order to woo a fine woman here everything is soft and smooth this line works also didn't fools just get here rapid romance is [ __ ] rabbit we take great pride in our combat education and training programs but we don't spend much time on aiming practice an unaltered clone for himself curious isn't it not if you're trying to come up with the origin story of bubba fed it isn't everything in the background of this shot is some [ __ ] people should be ashamed of movie unintentionally inspires twilight do you get the sense they walked into this meadow and like back to the future too ordered this background to show the scenery channel we need a system where the politicians sit down this romance and politics in the same scene skip anakin pretends to be hurt more seriously than he is she falls forward and movie thinks that's love movie misses its chance to insert the lightsaber switching noise in this scene no one apparently told django that a jedi was coming because he left his incriminating in the closet completely out the open for anyone to see they'll do their job well a whole army of jango fetts and somehow the bad guys are gonna lose this thing they're about to eat fruit with [ __ ] silverware and skip i'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me ladies and gentlemen the [ __ ] poetry of george herbert walker lucas you're starting to become a jedi i'm i'm a senator sex is impossible because senators have senator parts and jedi have jedi parts we could have accepted this love story and attack of the clones if we could have seen anakin doing awesome jedi throughout the movie and padme despite everything in the world telling her not to decided you know what i need to go to this jedi and break off a piece and the story of luke and leia's birth gets told without all this arguing pleading and terrible dialogue trying to make it so anna would have cut about 20 minutes from the movie obi-wan has to give his report while standing out in the middle of a torrential downpour did the council ever authorize the creation of a clone army hmm palpatine came into power about 10 years ago the jedi who supposedly ordered a clone army died about 10 years ago and there's only one guy who has the kind of power to do all this so hmm who could it be blind we are if creation of this clone army we could not see but instead of explaining how that's possible we dedicated many minutes to amidala and anakin not having sex in other words these movies tell you a lot about what is happening but don't tell you the ins and outs of why those things are and there definitely isn't any ins and outs going on in the bedroom either i think it is time we informed the senate that our ability to use the force is diminished whoa what where did that come from and even if it's true why would you tell the obviously corrupt senate also this movie uses the word senate senator and vote more than it uses the word force only the dark lord of the sith knows of our weakness thankfully he's not also the supreme chancellor i mean could you imagine no you got that right i saw my mother thank god a vision came to anakin to go save his mother i just wish it could have happened about 30 minutes ago i'm sorry i don't have a choice you're right you have no choice between ignoring your dream mom's drama and continuing to honor your non-dream pledge to hide and protect padme fate is forcing your hand as it often does through vague dreams whoa what the hell is going on how did we get here obi-wan fist fights with this dude instead of force choking him or force pushing him or any of the other non-hand-to-hand force attacks ah yes of course i remembered to bring my throwable homing beacon that instantly sticks to anything i throw it towards also the world of star wars is one in which a homing beacon like this can just casually be tossed on your ship without said ship's sensors picking it up whatsoever shouldn't rain be hitting the lightsaber and producing little puffs of smoke do you know where they are now it's amazing even with all the jedi training and peacekeeping he's done over 10 years there wasn't one time he was allowed to fly over to tatooine and visit his mom he must have put a homing device on our home they do realize they're being tracked but only after they arrive at their destination inconvenient this is a clear case where the challenge is way too high for anyone to survive it therefore you just sit in the theater wondering why obi-wan isn't dead get him dead get him fired boba fett ladies and gentlemen tell me why is it in star wars when the bad guy ships fire the good guy ships the lasers go all around the ship instead of at least one blast hitting it once again something easily catches up to another something that can't close any further distance when it's 50 feet away well we won't be seeing him again overly cocky jango fett is overly cocky hey i remember that scene i just noticed something there's really no reason r2 couldn't have come on this mission all he's doing right now is following padme and anakin around i'm pretty sure r4 is the red r2 you look for in toy stores at this point stay with the ship r2 why did you even let him out i am c3po through watto sold me to some other person and she decided to take the incomplete c-3po with her and someone decided to finish the job oh and lars this is my girlfriend baru let me get this straight the powers-that-be decided that luke would someday come to live here even though anakin met owen and beru he didn't think that would be a huge risk what if vader decided to come back to the old homestead for whatever reason not that i'm complaining but padme decided to wear the super hot ab bearing outfit to go meet annie's mom the editing is confusing we were logically following anakin as he seeks bloody revenge against the tuscan raiders who killed his mom and this scene makes us think we're still following him but no we're suddenly on an entirely different planet following obi-wan we must persuade the commerce guild and the corporate alliance to sign the treaty just once i'd like to see somebody hiding in a corner somewhere and the bad guys aren't talking about the most important essence of their plan in earshot just once i'd like to hear they had bagels for breakfast or something furthermore the guy he was following jango fett isn't even in this meeting with count dooku so what kind of luck is that he just decided to walk around find a secret opening in the mountains and stumble on the plot of the movie count dooku walks right past a jedi here and does not sense him stay with me mom in the grand tradition of all dying star wars characters shmi held on long enough for one final meeting before passing away also anakin watches his mother die because something something darkseid motivation something something this movie doesn't earn the dark side transformation of anakin he was a whiny kid for most of this movie and now he massacres a bunch of tuscans had someone been here to stop him and not need for revenge festered in his heart the next time would be a good time for a massacre most of everything we know about anakin was talked about not shown and this comes off as rushed pain suffering yeah but apparently your ability to use the force isn't good anymore so what can you trust death i feel hmm i don't feel any of that but maybe i should act like i do what's the bigger sin here bad guy bug thing stumbling upon obi-wan or obi-wan parking his ship out in the goddamn open like this anakin takes his dead rotting mother into the house because jedi reasons and also disease why'd she have to die she probably didn't but you left her alone here as a slave on this planet to pursue your own jedi goals what did you think was going to happen to her happily ever after i will be the most powerful jedi ever this is pretty much par for the course as to why we hated this performance we kind of want anakin to start being a colder person definitely a lot less whiny at this point more darth vadery instead our brains keep referring to their shut up section i killed them all don't use the pronoun game annie using the pronoun game leads to the dark side and she still had sex with him after this for some reason and not just the men but the women and the children too anakin can somehow tell tuscan women and children from the men i'm not even mad that's amazing i'm a jedi i know i'm better than this and this is the only time we see anakin struggle with the good and bad of his feelings everything else has been dark side and wanna screw padme i miss you so much lucas asked him to deliver this line as though his dick got cut off halfway through but he also knew an enchanted fairy would eventually grow his dick back so he's not super concerned about it but he wants to seem like he is carrying a message from an obi-wan kenobi and master annie does that name mean anything to you i wonder if he means old ben i have tracked the bounty hunter jango fett to the droid foundries and geonosis despite the fact that django completely disappeared from the action but i managed to stumble upon a completely new part of the plot that is important for all the good guys to know hologram action sequence he's like my father but you heard master window he gave me strict orders to stay here and obi-wan gave you strict orders to stay on naboo and we saw how that worked why the [ __ ] is c-3po suddenly on this mission if only senator amidala were here entire sequence of events leads to jar jar making an important decision in the senate to give palpatine more power also was this part of palpatine's plan did he know that padme would appoint the dumbest character alive to be her replacement when hit the fan how awesome would this be if dooku had been in the first movie and the first movie wasn't the first movie how many awesome backstories are we left to imagine while the story leaves us wanting the dark side of the force has clouded their vision my friend again how perfect time to explain this [ __ ] and immediately goes on to the next subject wait this is an exhaust vent they landed it right do exhaust vents usually have perfect landing platforms for ships where are you going now r2 decides to go against orders and leave the ship anyway something he must only be doing to piss off c-3po at this point because at no time has r2 shown a tendency to go against orders since the new trilogy began conveyor belt of dangerous industry cliche also this is the most video gamingist movie scene ever included in a movie just to sell a video game i guess r2 knew that this would turn out okay what a psychotic little bastard hey there star wars fan fyi r2d2 comply thank you i wonder what happened to poor little r2 he's always getting himself into trouble how do you know that you've only known r2 for a couple hours and don't give me he knew him from the first movie crap either because 3po was an off and on incomplete robot the entire time i'm so confused maybe that explains why you aren't funny anymore [Music] movie is an [ __ ] that is the very definition of cheating and filmmaking you [ __ ] this is equivalent to telling your mother you have terminal cancer and then when she starts sobbing you trash talk about how you pranked her and how stupid she is give me a break why would there be anything like this sitting around in this random part of the factory and once again r2 compatible i still can't figure out why django even needs to be here on one planet he's the guy they use to make clones on another planet they're making army bots and he's here because obi-wan needed to catch a break i thought that we had decided not to fall in love you see why the romance should have taken off a lot sooner there's basically 40 minutes left in this movie and they're still trying to resolve this i truly deeply love you george lucas thinks people talk this way also jedi skip our heroes luck out and are taken to an arena to be executed instead of simply getting killed on the spot movie unintentionally inspires john carter i might be scared of these things if they didn't look like tex avery drawings put into the weird science machine and donated to the umbrella corporation i've got a bad feeling about this character breaks the fourth wall to talk to the audience about the film itself this creature basically didn't want to kill amidala just make her sexier nobody seems particularly concerned that one of the prisoners is free this thing is terrible at thinking also a simple kick to the chest incapacitates this heaping mound of psychosis hey george while we're here humanizing boba fett was one of the stupidest ideas you had in these prequels and that's saying something aren't these animals weak minded enough so they can jedi mind trick them or is that just a human to human interaction obi-wan pokes at the beast instead of just force throwing the spear into its brain ow my vagina you're impossibly outnumbered i don't think so how did these robots know to start coming down the hallway everyone in power is here and no one gave an order or pressed a button or anything that would make a robot army start coming down here dramatically and why only four of them star wars finally gives us a nerdgasm scene with dozens of jedi and lightsabers all at once and i'd take a sin or two off if i hadn't had to sit through two movies of mostly boring [ __ ] to finally get this since you enjoyed this in phantom menace so much lucas ups the na with even more jedi vs copious amounts of cgi droids why did the drone with the pio head decided to merge into battle doesn't his mind work differently wouldn't he just go lie down somewhere until all this was over jesus christ skip django unchained i'm terribly sorry about all this basically these things don't even need heads if they have no control with them all i want to decide myself i hate you and i wish you would die first off this is too many goddamn shots to block second and maybe more importantly padme doesn't have a lightsaber how does she live look eagles what was that yoda i couldn't hear you over the battle of this ship and your three-pack a day voice so if his dad's head had fallen out of the helmet right here would he have been even more traumatized or you know you think he would have laughed a little because come on that's funny also the birth of bubba fed might have been cool if that [ __ ] didn't get casually tossed in a sarlacc okay sam you're running you're running there's all sorts of battle going on around you we'll fill that in later [Music] the death star is apparently fully operational in like 20 years they must have had a million contractors working 24 7 on that thing cerebrum aside shoot them down we're out of rockets you you are not why are you even still flying around then why didn't you tell anyone that before we got to this point you're gonna pay for all the jedi that you killed today dooku saying things electricity curiously a trait only dark side force users have what a [ __ ] surprise is that the 50th lim cut off in this franchise he could finish them both off right now or at least obi-wan if he knows where anakin is headed but decides nat the dark side i sense in you which i somehow can't sense when i'm on coruscant when palpatine is running and we've established we've lost much of our force power but i can now yoda finally pulls out a lightsaber he finally fights it took 10 hours of star wars to finally see this and i'm torn because he's a bastard cgi creation now why does this guy need a cane again here was a glorious chance to see three jedi all combining their force power together and stopping the ship from flying or as we said before why can't yoda just stop this ship himself if size doesn't matter this thing is smaller than luke ship in the swamp the forest is powerful but it's no match for an internal combustion engine everybody goddamn misses let's talk about palpatine's plan it required amidala to be taken off the planet so she couldn't vote on the military creation act then she had to make jar jar binks her replacement who was then passively bullied to request a vote granting unlimited power to palpatine then the jedi have to stumble on a poison dart that was only used because another assassin failed a dirt that only a diner owner could verify then palpatine removed the planet from the archives which required even more sleuth work then when obi-wan went to the clonal planet the people there showed him the entire plot no questions asked which led him to django django had to curiously leave for another planet where the droids were being manufactured so that obi-wan could relay that message back to the republic and only then could they get the ball rolling without all that what did he plan to do begun the clone war has did yoda just name this war or did the jedi have some prophecy that warned of a clone war i mean who gave him the authority to name wars and do you yes do you dude i like totally did already lots my goodness you've grown grown more beautiful i mean you've grown up don't try to grow up too fast but i am grown up i've changed so much oh you haven't changed a bit you should have sprouted huh [Music] i'll admit this it's gonna feel weird under a disney logo tradition for tradition's sake also reading the matavoir these opening crawls always seem to tell a story that is not logical from where we left off the jedi and the clones destroyed the droid army and the factory where they were built in the last movie but suddenly dooku can go around making successful attacks that he wasn't capable of before these two ships are doing absolutely nothing except making a long unbroken shot possible of course when it's all a cartoon how impressive is that this is just stupid ludicrous survival also this brings to light the fact that there appears to be no solid military plan involved on either side hey just send all your ships out and we'll flip a coin heads we die tails we die well someone's gotta win might as well be honest flying is for droids obi-wan became the one-liner [ __ ] of the series if you have droids that can do this why not give them bombing capabilities the general's command ship is dead ahead still like four minutes ago you said the same thing general grievous's ship is directly ahead neither it nor you moved or changed direction in the last four minutes oh i have a bad feeling about this in earlier uses of this line it was always in a situation that was undefined the person saying it didn't know why they got a bad feeling but they got it nonetheless now you're just sticking it in for lip service revenge of the sith brings the new trilogy's circle of life to a close by delivering us more extremely useless jedi droid battles if only the bad guys in these movies had made their ships less r2 compatible they would have won this so it's come to this a coughing robot destroyers this is almost a reenactment of the scene from phantom menace when these destroyers showed up you'd think they learned to come from the sides to make defense nearly impossible [Music] there's no reason these droids didn't blast these guys already you stood here for a solid minute while anakin hung from this thing r2 continues to accidentally himself out of every situation he finds himself in sith lords are our speciality yeah except for qui-gon too soon also you faced one sith lord by my count and you only beat him because qui-gon softened him up anakin here is a newbie so his statement makes no sense whatsoever especially considering the two of you lost quickly to this dude last movie my powers have doubled since the last time we met count i rolled a 20-sided eye and got a million extra hit points so come at me bro also no one for whom this was true would actually bother to say this robots enter this jedi battle to make things extra pointless this cgi makes it look like this shouldn't even hurt yep somewhere in george lucas's basement there are a number of severed arms and hands he didn't commit the crimes but he is haunted by them good and he get good i remember returning to the jedi too he cut off your arm you wanted revenge fail as old as time another wilhelm bites the dust such a tragic family so the good guys are blasting the ship but why don't they know palpatine is on it don't they know two jedi are trying to save palpatine [Music] i don't know what i just saw but it was total bull activate shields why didn't they do this before do you have a plan b i hope not luke and leia need to be born aside from the coughing which is dumb as hell how does a robot get promoted through the ranks so quickly and become a general what the [ __ ] is this nonsense discount robot darth mauls somehow the best chance for survival involves anakin trying to crash land this gigantic ship as opposed to any kind of jedi something something escape pods something eight plus sixty well that means something it's good to see that during all this war someone spotted the crashing ship and sent four firefighting jets to come spray water on it maybe don't shoot it down next time landing strip straight ahead we're coming in too hot too hot for 10 miles of runway how is that possible calculated risk behind the scenes control i don't know seems a bit foolish to me for the emperor to endanger himself in a crash landing like this well the first 24 minutes of this thing are symbols but still better than the trade federation negotiations well you owe me one and not for saving your skin for the tenth time ninth time that business on caton amoidia doesn't doesn't count once again jedi talk about some we never got to see these two were doing a marvelous job hiding their secret roommates and by marvelous i of course mean terrible there were whispers that you'd been killed why who knew the situation enough to make any kind of speculation wait not here yes not here where you've already run to me pick me up in your arms and canoodle me let's actually save the kissing for another place where no one can actually see us i'm pregnant it's truly amazing how yoda and a whole bunch of jedi council members can't sense this what are we gonna do okay i have an elaborate plan that involves you dying me turning evil and our twins not knowing they're related for almost 30 years what do you say the happiest moment of my life except when my mom died and i slaughtered all those tuscan raiders but this is a close second you're so beautiful she's okay but have you seen her decoy it's only because i'm so in love no one who has ever been in love would write dialogue like this that's probably true in this fan of one movie padme has gone from serious determined protector of naboo to flirty giggle girl and a nightie and it can rips off that my love is gonna die chosen one dreams from neo and the matrix reloaded how do you sleep with this much light pouring in the window shut the [ __ ] blinds you idiots also you're dating and just stating a baby in secret but you're living together openly in the capital city you die in childbirth it was only a dream i won't let this one become real i will lightsaber the death out of you i doubt the queen will continue to allow me to serve in the senate how do you go from queen to senator but then the replacement queen has more power than you do is this monarchy not based on birthright is the queen elected but then still call the queen i'm so confused about naboo's politics and that's in a trilogy that spent ungodly amounts of time on politics yourself you speak of or someone you know there's no way anakin is holding back all of his feelings right now this guy wears his whole life on his sleeve and yet the force tells yoda nothing the fear of loss is a path to the dark side what isn't a path to the dark side huh train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose seems like this would have been jedi 101 with obi-wan teaching anakin this on the first day of class especially since the whole jedi council didn't want to train him because of that very reason somehow this guy made it through his training without one wit of knowledge salukomai has fallen and master vos has moved his troops to buzz pity my brain just spun a wheel of chance to figure out what the hell obi-wan just said i'm depending on you for what i don't understand why would you he's literally given you zero information so far i guess this guy is somewhere on some other planet sitting in a chair with the exact dimensions of this chair jesus what about the dried attack on the wookies he's right it's a system we cannot afford to lose because wookies produce tons of wool for the universe or some actually i have no idea what they do but chewbacca man what kind of nonsense is this george lucasfilm says actors speaking in private the only reason the council has approved your appointment is because the chancellor trusts you can someone not bug his office why do you have to enlist the iffy anakin as an undercover detective anakin did not take to his new assignment with much enthusiasm it's very dangerous putting them together seems like maybe you three could have prevented a galactic disaster but just didn't for some reason with all due respect master is he not the chosen one with all due respect obi were you not voicing your own concerns about him in the last movie because you were ass it's like lucas thinks of a line of dialogue that will propel his narrative then assigns it to a character at random a prophecy that miss red could have been and you're only bringing this up now you guys have done a lot based on this prophecy you suddenly don't seem to trust because the writers want to make you nostradamus he will not let me down he never has what these movies have implied nothing short of an exasperated mentor and rebellious student dynamic between these two the [ __ ] are you saying right now i mean anakin literally disobeys you at every turn i hope right you are man did the prequels take all the fun out of yoda's speech patterns or what hold me like you did by the lake on naboo specific hugging instructions are specific also i didn't ever think it would come to this but i'm sinning love so long ago when there was nothing but our love no politics no plotting no war uh why you were falling in love last movie all kinds of politics plotting and war were going on what the actual circle bubbles i know they don't trust you anakin is officially the worst undercover cop ever blabs to palpatine within 90 seconds i want to know who the the council trusts anakin and has the power to override yoda and windu on matters such as these the jedi use their power for good good is a point of view anakin's mind is more easily manipulated than first graders did you ever hear the tragedy of darth plagueis the wise shh quiet i'm trying to watch the electric bubble show dude he could use the force to influence the midichlorians to create life what purpose did it serve for darth plagueis to impregnate me who then went to tatooine and gave birth to a potential jedi who without a whole bunch of bull happening would never have been discovered then his apprentice killed him in his sleep the series has been so focused on keeping the palpatine darth city a secret that it's lost sight over what could have been an awesome thing to see sidious learning about the force and killing his master that's all these movies are explanations and backstories of things that would've been awesome to see but we only hear about cheap chewbacca cameo feels cheap in cameo did these wookies just do it tarzan yeah my god man just hurts my soul however it may turn out just to be a wild panther chase goose called it doesn't appreciate your appropriation of its idiom i have trained you since you were a small boy i have taught you everything i know except that part about controlling your emotions and whatnot we skipped that lesson i'm not gonna die in childbirth honey you remember the dream about his dying mom he had as she was actually dying though right we are being held hostage they are watching us but not closely enough apparently obi-wan watches himself pilot a ship away from the dock and i'm left to wonder am i watching the island right now and somehow obi-wan managed to fake everyone out by not being on the ship when it flew away something we didn't get to see because it's total [ __ ] when did obi-wan learn to ride one of these random bastards this military fortress has no way of detecting and alerting general grievous of this jedi lizard intrusion you have not found yourself in my grave grievous sounds exactly like sarah's from galaxy quest while these four stun gun guards attack obi-wan none of the greatest loyal robots do jack or sh wow that was perfectly sized to fall on four incompetent robots when did you guys have time for that what's better than one or two lightsabers four lightsabers this is the funniest image in all of star wars people just walking around and minding their own business while a huge battle takes place upstairs spiritual bond with this planet's version of a hippogriff and yeah sure i guess he's using the force's connection with all the universe to do this but honestly i just wanted to say the word hippogriff in this video okay i mean it's not like you didn't roll your eyes at this too and you've never seen more lost lightsabers than these pink pringles that's like candy in these films i think the whole reason for the plot now is so that george lucas can insert holograms on screen i sense a plot to destroy the jedi the dark side of the force surrounds the chancellor oh so you guys got your ability to see more clearly now the dark side's been clouding your vision all the way up until now i guess the force simply acts according to the whim of the screenwriter don't you wonder why they won't make you a jedi master don't you wonder why anakin is so powerful in the force but so blind to this super obvious manipulation and you will be able to save your wife from certain death except not and when padme still dies it makes no sense that anakin vader doesn't then go into berserker mode and consume the entire galaxy or at least kill palpatine for lying obi-wan apparently can punch this robot's electric weapon with his bare hand and not suffer damage from it these two are wrestling on the control sheet of this disc transport while it perfectly executes hairpin turns in other words [ __ ] you both of these fools land on a hanger floor which is lucky since this disc craft goes over the edge and falls 18 stories below revenge of the convenience obi-wan never once uses the force push against this [ __ ] even though he clearly showed the ability to do so i think chancellor palpatine is a sith lord a sith lord 90 seconds of what am i going to do contemplation you're under arrest chancellor we didn't even get a scene where they tell yoda about palpatine what he might think about the situation this arrest seems totally rushed and emotionally charged completely anti-jedi in every way how did this [ __ ] become a jedi if he's so damn easy to kill and mr no-name here too and this is sort of the problem movies have in general they have a hard time explaining how good someone is at a particular art so the answer is let's make everyone else really bad at their job emperor vs mace windu battle really heats things up with a big load of boring i'm surprised a big turkey power-up icon didn't show up on screen or a big pile of money i think this officially qualifies as a fetish henceforth you shall be known as darth vader i don't know why that name popped into my head especially since everybody else has not so subtle darth names like maul sidious and plagueis but i'm not married to it let's see what happens this is all we see of yoda during this entire section of the movie he just feels something is wrong he doesn't do anything that ever makes us appreciate the character from empire strikes back the guy who told us do not try is the least doing character in this entire trilogy i want you to go to the jedi temple we will catch them off balance somehow they'll not feel all this evil [ __ ] going on right now and won't detect you when you come to slaughter all the kids execute order 66. yes commander cody doesn't stop for even one second to ask why the emperor looks more like a potato than he does the emperor also if you remember cody 66 is the order the senate defines as wiping out the jedi like little [ __ ] what planet is this what jedi is this you don't care i don't care i don't even think lucas cares as long as it looks pretty tim burton designed this alien planet but asked to be uncredited after he saw a rough first cut oh no not that jedi i grew to love her so much oh i can't believe these movies actually made me hate yoda so much there are cg animators out there who got tired of all the ways they had to draw yoda feeling bad about something dumbass jedi does not eject look i know we're going for killing the jedi montage here but you are the ones who set them up to be superhero gods so when you go to slaughter them maybe make some of them fraction better than regular humans in these situations eh jesus this movie does more to tear down the lore of how powerful jedi are than it does anything else cgi is fun they took forever to kill him and now i'm supposed to have a boner because yoda killed two guys as long as you throw the emperor down a shaft later all these kids deaths will be forgiven very tragic misuse of natalie portman wait a second ago they were letting this [ __ ] leave then some jedi tommy tomasino jumps in and starts killing troopers and then they're trying to kill this guy if i had told you at the outset that two of the three prequel movies would contain scenes of obi-wan swimming underwater would you believe me cause i don't think he would have goodbye chewbacca oh so that really was chewbacca how did this guy get caught up with han solo that goes from a war hero on this planet to helping some [ __ ] smuggle stuff across the galaxy that's some coming home right there did you find kenobi sir no one could have survived that fall in real life almost everyone thinks there's at least a small chance someone could survive a fall like that in the movies all the bad guys are 100 sure no one can survive a fall like that i heard there was an attack on the jedi temple you can see the smoke from here yeah that jedi temple getting attacked scene was intense i heard a lot of harrowing dialogue about it i feel so helpless you mispronounced pointless this lava moon's orbit is so close to its giant-ass planet i'm surprised it hasn't burned up in the atmosphere yet who the [ __ ] said yeah definitely need to build an outpost on this moon i know there's something wrong with the scene because none of these youngling's hands are detached anakin kills the 33 people necessary in order to attain orange eyes so this is how liberty dies with thunderous applause sorry something really stupid stuck in my throat there carry on for the clones to discover the recalibration a long time it will take roughly as long as it took you to say that sentence so yes another failure here so much of the reason why obi-wan can't believe anakin did this is because of all the adventures they've had off-screen together that they've merely alluded to a couple of times meanwhile all we've seen of anakin is a whiny quick to anger little bastard the emotion of the scene is lost good if the emperor to say this in perfect view of the security recordings use your feelings obi-wan and find him you will since when do a jedi's feelings work in these movies why doesn't obi-wan just play the incriminating security video of anakin killing children for anakin is the father isn't he ask that again i was distracted by all the [ __ ] in the background anakin is the father isn't he you seriously didn't know that already god damn can jedi sense or [ __ ] not obi-wan leaves padme walks toward his ship and the next time we see them they're about to fly to the lava planet at no point do we see padme making a tough decision to say [ __ ] anakin is evil let's kill him i don't care if i'm carrying twins that guy is dead also i guess obi-wan didn't search his feelings about anakin's whereabouts he just happened to know someone who knew the information he needed obi-wan brings padme to the lava planet for his kill of anakin because what could possibly go wrong anakin you're breaking my heart why do we hate this line so much is it because the badass character padme we saw in phantom menace going around leading an assault on the viceroy has become a lump of melodramatic mush let her go okay if you're not with me then you're my enemy discount what jesus said this is what it's all been leading towards obi-wan fighting anakin and it's really kind of the let downiest of all letdowns man if only we could had some of this yoda two movies ago hell under this trilogy's structure it practically demanded you to be terrible at yodang until way later yoda takes this lightning blast as if he wasn't expecting the emperor to be evil or something at last the jedi are no more not if anything to say about it i have good job movie he made me want frank oz to shut up somehow anakin's robotic arm somehow isn't strong enough to just crush obi-wan's throat not much but dual lightsaber duels going on right now but i wonder the emperor had a tough time with mace windu during their duel so how does he keep up with yoda who is flipping all around is super fast as mostly considered to be the best jedi up until recently seriously how does he not see this until the last second how do not see yoda stop at midair and start spinning it and then throwing it towards him yoda can catch the sith lightning in his hands proving his badassery but eventually he falls and another fall takes him out of the action you assume temporarily but the movie cuts back to the anakin obi-wan fight and basically makes you forget that yoda has options to get back in the fight for example elevators stairs the force instead the next time we see yoda he's crawling through a wiring duct as if he's totally defeated why would the battle ever come to this i'd rather take my chances even if i was cornered than to jump down on a [ __ ] pipe hovering above lava to fight it's completely unbelievable a lightsaber duel could go on this long without any lost limbs or ears or hits apparently not being nearly epic enough the obi-wan anakin fight now has to feature them falling on a large metal thing that we have no idea what its purpose is other than to make lightsaber fights more dramatic because lucas only has so many ideas here's a hero after a near defeat falling from the bottom of a hovering space building into an awaiting rescue ship driven by the handsome minority side character in case you haven't seen empire strikes back into exile i must go failed i have i know we need a reason why yoda goes to dagobah but he very much gave up the fight with the emperor too soon all the cool stuff yoda did in the past 10 minutes forget about it how fortunate is it that this tower stays upright while floating down a river of lava it's being consumed oh my lack of interest should be beyond obvious by now just tell me when it's over this is supposed to be epic but it feels like a guy who just learned after effects creating his own fan fiction and sharing it on youtube which was found at the very ear this movie came out coincidence wait aren't they powering their pieces of metal junk to fly over this lava pit seems like this is a talent that could have gotten a lot more use over time basically this means you can fly as long as you have a thing underneath you it's over anakin i have the high ground yep movie about superhero jedi freaks that can leap small buildings will now somehow be decided by a couple of feet above sea level because sun tzu i have the high ground so did darth maul and you saw how that turned out also even if high ground mattered why would anakin need to give up in this instance can he simply drive back to where all this started or find another spot to dismount it was said that you would destroy this and not join them you're still on about that stupidly obi-wan takes pity on his former student and walks away before confirming his death terminator genesis medically she's completely healthy are there really no human doctors left in this world everyone here gets treated by a big hero 6 dressed in johnny 5 clothing for reasons we can't explain we are losing her it's called the she wasn't in the original trilogy disease luke padme names her kids as they exit her womb which is simply unnatural it's like lucas said no one will know who these kids are better half pad may name them as soon as they pop out i see padme went to the close your eyes and tilt your head school the movie deaths it seems in your anger you killed her darth vader believes this also wow lying liars in the lies they tell isn't he already darth vader does he really still need manipulating [Music] yes i mean no we must take them somewhere where the sith will not sense their presence we'll take luke to somewhere like i don't know anakin's old home planet why the hell not and what if the boy to detouring do his family send him it's almost like they forgot the guideline they set just 20 seconds earlier i will take the child and watch over him kinda also he and i will keep our same last names because that pseudonym bullsh qui-gon how to commune with him i will teach you i'll also teach you about forgetting him too have the protocol droid's mind wiped but not the r2 unit he'll go on with all his memories but forget he knew any of these people yeah this saga would have felt incomplete without the padme funeral good call jar jar is extra sad about his own part in the fall of the prequels i mean empire man they buried her with extra hair right did she have that wigged out in a closet somewhere already that is a [ __ ] affair is all i'm saying discount long distance not actually peter cushing movie thinks construction footage of a doomed thing will make for an exciting ending and movie is wrong for the 147th time isn't vader still badly burned did they ever give him anything for that that's gonna get infected touching alderaan baby delivering scene is undercut by the future knowledge that all these people on this planet gonna die here have a baby also jedi storks also owen and baru age like 40 years while luke ages 20 the next time we see them movie prequel trilogy thinks it's tied off all the loose ends despite ending roughly 20 years from the start of the original trilogy what about luke's puberty what about leia's struggle with why her parents castle has a ballroom but never has any balls also are we supposed to believe that luke got his double sun gazing habit from his aunt and uncle while he was two weeks old such poetry oh this is going to be easy flying is for droids oh dear oh i have a bad feeling about this always on the move sith lords are our speciality did i miss something how did this happen we're smarter than this do you have a plan b and try not to upset him not to worry we are still flying half a ship another happy landing hello there so uncivilized i have the high ground [Music] in his belly you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years [Music] i will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war open water is upon me just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep swimming swimming i need parts for a j type 327 nubian what's a nubian cycle break off a stray from the herd and flush him to the right this is getting out of hand now there are two of them double impact there's two of them now there are two of them this time there are two terminator two help me obi-wan kenobi you're my only hope i'm glad to have met you anakin i was glad to meet you too oh lauren says it's the happiest day of my life i think my testicles are dropping [Music] oh boy oh boy mom you sure can hydrate a pizza hello everybody and welcome to this year's annual las vegas international dodge ball open brought to you exclusively here on espn eight the ocho there's only one person who guns an engine like that it's gotta be the roughest tough guy of all machine gun joe but turbo [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] ever been in a cockpit before no sir i've never been up in a plane before you ever seen a grown man naked you will bow down before me both you and then one day your ass [Music] you've grown up because your growth's up and your growth's up and you're growing up over the first billion years the universe continued to expand and cool as matter gravitated into these massive concentrations we call galaxies endless fields where human beings are no longer born we are grown a is for axiom your home sweet home b is for by and large your very best friend [Music] nothing but star wars [Music] stop all the clocks cut off the telephone prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone silence the pianos and with muffled drum you sir truly are mr incredible you know i was right to idolize you i i always knew you were tough but tricking the probe by hiding under the bones of another super oh man i'm still geeking out about it i have had it with these [ __ ] snakes on this [ __ ] planet [Music] is he not to destroy the sith and bring balance to the force what's in your wallet but on my way i'm gonna be doing this if you get hit it's your own fault [Music] anakin all i want is your love all you need is love my name is inigo montoya you kill my father prepared to die gentlemen we can rebuild him we have the technology there's a man out there what do they call him during the war you know the pilots grandmas [Music] it's running a little hot hold me like you did by the lake on naboo let's do what we did in mexico city this is papa dragon i want this mission high and tight i want to be home for [Music] the dinner is over the war is over served the war is over they taste like burning hey i was dealing with this jedi slime myself you fool deliver the device to me or i will destroy your ship

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,562,557

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, star wars, star wars theory, star wars prequels, star wars phantom menace, star wars attack of the clones, star wars revenge of the sith, jar jar binks, obi wan kenobi, ewan mcgregor, liam neeson, natalie portman, george lucas, prequel, star wars podcast

Id: XXQE9tAwWA0

Length: 77min 38sec (4658 seconds)

Published: Sat May 28 2022