Everything Wrong With Terminator Genisys In 17 Minutes Or Less

from the studio that brings you all the transformers movies before they died my parents told jai courtney narration also jai courtney the golden gate bridge isn't being attacked by primates super villains or godzilla's in the scene on august 29 1997 somehow history ignored what happened in the other terminator movies and just settled back on august 29 1997 as judgment day again at this point the terminator franchise in such a time paradox that biff tannen married hermione granger and stephen king's best-selling novel rose madder and the goblet of fire starters decided all humanity was a threat to its existence why humanity is no threat to the machines the matrix knew this why did the skynet they could have just used humans for cheap slave labor golden gate bridge gets destroyed by something cliche and yes i did just send both sides of that thing so or worse captured and put into camps for extermination efficient machines capture humans first and then put them in a camp where they'll eventually be killed instead of just killing them on the spot moving on as a true machine would do you know what would've been more awesome than this a terminator then someone waiting to save a small child from a terminator in a sewer busted in to save the day and then one man found me this movie they spent its first five minutes on everyone already knows he's gonna lead us to crush skynet this narration is still going on after five and a half minutes all these [ __ ] and they're gonna send just one of them couldn't the other hundred at least guard the time machine clearly outmatched resistance we'll still have soldiers after all this movie saves money by employing 1984 arnold schwarzenegger at his bargain basement price at the time it'll rip apart anything not encased in living tissue it's a weird plot convenience just roll with it also they've figured everything out about this time machine except sending kyle back a week early to prepare for the arrival of the t800 and blow his ass away before this even starts and yes we realize that jon probably won't be born because kyle won't be able to use the intense experience to bang sarah later but who needs john connor that besides edward furlong kyle's masturbatory fodder just happens to fall in front of a person his sperm made she's a waitress what oh never mind it would take forever to explain there was this magical place where you ordered food and some underpaid person brought it to you even when i tell her who i am she's not gonna believe me tell her this thank you sarah for your courage during the dark years this bull was told to sarah after she already started believing the story how the [ __ ] was this going to prove anything movie attempts a call back to the first movie and fails internal logic there is no fate but that which we make for ourselves says the fifth movie in a franchise utterly dependent on the future repeating itself this unexpected camera zoom on an unexpected doctor who actor completely betrays his villainy he didn't think it would be that easy did you the whole movie to this point has played as a true mini prequel to the first terminator but now all of a sudden it's gonna make like things in that movie didn't even happen how that's possible is the miracle of terminator genesis also this is the [ __ ] guy that attacks jon but why not a hell of a lot sooner why does he allow kyle to go back in time before he makes his move remember genesis is skynet convenient alternate timeline memories are convenient movie stupidly thinks the only reason audiences haven't taken to jai courtney yet is because they haven't seen him naked enough discount bill paxton you won't be needing any clothes how did the older terminator from the fractured timeline know that the new young terminator from the secondary timeline would show up here now hey remember in the running man when arnold fought jesse venter and it was all fake digital simulation yeah i'm remembering that right now for some reason seems like this could have been done 10 minutes ago also this renders the fight between young and old arnie completely pointless what day is it what year you should know the date dude they told you that before you left in the first movie that made sense in this one it does not also why did this new terminator act like a normal afraid of guns person this whole time instead of simply just killing kyle before even though all the events of the original timeline are changed kyle still runs into this store and gets the same damn clothes from the first movie if you know where this [ __ ] is why not block the [ __ ] exit i mean is there any reason for this thing to hide what is it afraid of is there some part of this confusing timeline where sarah and the terminator knew that kyle stopped inside this very department store to pick up clothes at this very time i could just go on a rant about how this is impossible but instead i'll just ding come with me if you want to live of all the gin joints in all the towns and all the world she walks into mine frankly my dear i don't give a damn i see dead people from the terminator that was sent back to kill me i know but we already took care of him me is she stupid kyle has no idea what's going on but she decides to reveal a good terminator to him before he even knows such a thing exists hence an unnecessary action scene loyal kyle's knocked out for a second so time for his bull vision like he's harry potter looking for horcruxes how'd that liquid metal thing know where to intercept me no amount of john connor turned into an evil robot and set this new timeline into motion information is going to explain that ain't programmed by who huh who sent him back those files have been erased oh that's convenient hey that's my line we can stop judgment day from happening ever we're not for game of thrones i'd be forced to conclude this girl's acting is generally terrible i'm not sure why the t-1000 needs headlights to see the road but he just gave away his position and why he didn't take her out way smarter than this is beyond me we can't stay here it'll find us that's the idea how in terminator 2 the t-1000 couldn't find its own it had to go to different places based on the probability that they were there it definitely wouldn't have been able to figure out oh random factory outside la just cause you said it happened cause the pass was altered ow does that matter um kinda apparently t-1000 goo can revive an older model t-800 because reasons this terminator is terrible at terminating come on this stupid thing was definitely melted and even if it wasn't how does it have enough liquid metal to carry on like this this is the movie's second time machine but it won't be the last how can he be remembering two timelines it is possible if you were exposed to a nexus point in the time flow terminator genesis tries to out-jargon tomorrowland and i think it's working also i'm fine with him remembering two timelines i'm just trying to figure out why he only has that one memory and why does the memory only tell him that he can stop skynet not what he actually did to stop skynet if jon kahn about to be killed or compromised it could result in the ability to remember both pasts why does john connor hold the key to remembering two [ __ ] timelines you just went through a bunch of gobbledygook about a nexus point in the time flow that should be independent of john's fate you blow out the hell up yes jesus has she not seen the other four films i guess this kind of nudity is supposed to arouse my shadow puppets you needed the cpu from the future to make it run that's the only thing they needed from the future to build a goddamn time machine that's amazing this is where the movie should have taken a left turn and become a mostly silent wall-e style exploration of what pops does for all these years while waiting until 2017. he could get a dog watch jeopardy maybe even make a tinder profile these billboards counting down until genesis make me wonder why they didn't choose to get here several days ahead of the event to give themselves more time to stop it as opposed to 35 hours from the end of the world it took five movies for the time machine to finally drop its travelers into a dangerous how the [ __ ] did they survive this situation how did they survive this these cops got here way too fast they literally had to be part of this pile up to be here this quickly i'd be surprised if any witnesses have even had time to dial 9-1-1 i was just looking at her in the uh and then the cabin exploded so just like every other one of their attempted kills they did something completely immaterial to their goal announced their presence and failed because of it again it wasn't water coming up from below it was liquid metal and it still couldn't kill you i just remember you taking my hand and and saying those words it takes nine minutes of screen time about an hour of assumed movie time in literally 33 years for kyle to finally tell sarah how he knew that a young girl in her terminator is a way better movie than this one hell it could have been great i guess we'll have to wait for the tv series or watch the professionals the hip hops wanted me dead i'd be dead this is what they do all right god damn it this is one of those moments in movies where it makes zero sense for somebody to be untrusting of what they see before their very eyes does kyle actually think the terminator is playing a long con game by not killing sarah immediately just because you two don't get along as this they don't get a long narrative has virtually no roots in the reality we've seen so far one early misunderstanding and a snide comment from pops equals not getting along they've known each other for like three hours genesis does everything my phone will link to my tablet will link to my computer how is this any different from what current gadgets and teenagers are capable of oh terminators are coming everybody he hasn't aged not a bit since i saw him in 1984 or two you saw her from the counter you were hiding behind in movies law enforcement always seemed to allow two people to run at each other and what is a clear tactic to escape and don't think me holding on to you naked meant anything because it you know did not i figured it out this movie was written by james cameron's eight-year-old niece how'd you end up in 2017. well the same as you dad john who has never once referred to kyle as his dad casually calls him dad like they've had that kind of relationship before and don't give me that he's a terminator now so that's why bull either okay so pops was proved right about shooting john why is he standing around letting the guy talk why aren't they running why isn't he shooting god damn time traveling robots covering up their goddamn tracks knew it you know we rarely take a sin off for a movie this bad but jk simmons in that line is good enough to take one off see i'm not machine not man i'm machine man skynet realized the one reason it always lost me you mean it was their plan all along to turn john into a terminator that renders all the other stuff we've seen in franchise history moot of course i'm still wondering if skynet has a collection of terminator blu-rays in their offices and they're basing their whole plan around those i was sent to 2014 to safeguard skynet's creation in this time but nobody else because sending one guy has always worked for skynet in every possible instance i'm ready for movies to find a new wowie technology and move on from nanobot it's no longer even a little bit impressive or interesting also this movie just made jon connor the villain and is actually proud of itself for that without us you're never born says everybody dismissing the fact that everything was super changed when a terminator was sent back in 1973 instead of 1984 and a successful kyle sarah mating probably wouldn't result in john connor anymore how are you even here right now since the entire timeline was changed this type of threat from heroes and movies facing adversaries who can't be killed by normal guns has hit critical mass what does she hope to do with this thing tickle him why isn't kyle running that thing won't hold him for long it won't it's been doing nothing but holding him so far and you just cranked up the power by like a lot wow look at that it didn't hold him for long body was replaced on a cellular level gotta love how they gave all the most difficult words to say in the script to the one guy who would sound the most ridiculous saying that even he can't decipher some of the enhanced code you've integrated into genesis i just know it works movie says john put coding into skynet that these guys don't understand which means skynet invented itself which sort of fits i guess in a franchise where kyle reese was sent back in time by his son before he fathered him you get a time machine and you get a time machine and you we're years away from making this thing work let's talk about skynet's plan their idea is let's have judgment day with jon as our quarterback rather than our enemy they could have just easily sent more terminators back in time to kill sarah or john and prevent the resistance from sending their own people back or even found a way to cover up the exact date they went back skynet allowed kyle to go back in time despite being there in the room to prevent it leaving the possibility of another jon being born and still being able to lead the resistance against his terminator self but this movie pissed on time travel and is making it sound like kyle and sarah don't even need to [ __ ] anymore for john to exist cyberdyne will revolutionize technology with the ultimate killer app dear hollywood stop making apps a main component of action movies our pre-orders as of this afternoon have reached one billion users that's laughably impossible this is 2017 a year and a half from working now and we've heard so much about amazing apps we're desensitized even if you somehow sold this app as truly greater than any other app in history ever one billion people are not pre-ordering that i don't care if it promises blow jobs and candy 30 years you had one place to be where the hell were you stuck in traffic jokes about traffic being bad or super fresh also [ __ ] this [ __ ] would have been there weeks ahead of time just to over prepare but nice joke dick's ammo loading pissing contest also pops had like 33 years to do this right now i'm even more interested in what he did with his time our strategy did not account for jonkana which is why we should have given ourselves more time but you die that's what happens yeah back in 1984 when the old timeline was still intact not one smidgen of thought went into the time travel of this movie you want to tell me how that conversation's supposed to start yeah it's pretty easy those events can't happen that way anymore so it's totally moot also i guess pops told sarah what happened in the future but that means he was sent from a timeline that acknowledges kyle reese was the father of john connor only john could have given him that knowledge but we don't even know what precise point he turned evil how many different times did jon lead the resistance to a victory over skynet leading to time travel and repeating the whole cycle again was the time travel we saw at the beginning of this movie like the fifth time that happened or the first this is like groundhog day edge of tomorrow only they never tell you you're in that type of movie until skynet rules this world rule this dear hollywood please stop having action heroes say some word the antagonist just said this before firing a weapon wow stealing a school bus is bad enough but you're stranding 60 children at the scene of an evil terminator attack while the evil terminator is still there you're made up of nanobots why don't you just cloud your way down there why do you need to ride anything you movie you when you pick your ass face oh what jon sensed arnie was standing on this very spot in the bus you know the cops just got confirmation they were on the golden gate bridge a minute or so ago how did they set this up so fast what are you doing you and your [ __ ] handgun can't do anything to him even if he is down there yep they survived this well apes and mutants and godzilla's aren't destroying this bridge but terminators are so let's just call it the horribly unoriginal cliche that it is and move on that's not how physics works and the [ __ ] sun went down while these cops took forever to cut these dicks and put them in police cars apparently it was broad [ __ ] daylight [ __ ] the choice to play bad boys and go on this humorous lineup montage 25 minutes before the movie is supposed to end also fun fact jai courtney is 6'1 and emilia clarke is 5'2 so both of them got 2 free inches from this generous screenwriter but arnold being arnold got 4 inches he kind of looks like you dead sir he does not straight line you just go and you don't look back but first you'll have to navigate some stairs find your car go back home just forget i told you this until you're an adult you need something to convince me to come to 2017 instead of 1997. nice to see you how did you know exactly where the [ __ ] forget it this would be a good time to disable the helicopter you decide not to use shoot a propeller or something why did it take john so long to get here he fell in the water and they got arrested and then interrogated so the timing of this is some convenient bull do helicopters work like this [ __ ] what they just left him standing on the roof of that building and 20 seconds later he's not only taken off in that other chopper but defied the laws of physics to catch up with him i wonder is there a chance this movie is an elaborate psychology experiment to see how much bull people will put up with hey let's shoot this big gas truck i'm pretty sure there's no way innocent people are going to die from this maneuver did he forget his new directives that's what you get for choosing the slow helicopter i'll be back you [ __ ] dicks have no idea what fans of the terminator franchise actually like about the films do you terminator velocity false alarm does it even matter that jon reports a false alarm when there should have been hundreds of witnesses to the flaming wreckage that just fell from the sky a minute ago somehow taking out john's helicopter caused the heroes to arrive at the destination after john connor did of course that's only because they managed to take him out literally on the front porch or the place they were going to i know who you are discount that little girl from resident evil apocalypse follow me by all means don't do anything that might keep john from getting out of this mess you really think you can't get out of this i was able to infiltrate the work crews in this facility amazingly i didn't set up charges years ago that i could use to blow this place up any time i want it only the magnetic quantum field is complete you mean john who is basically skynet from the future couldn't figure out how to make the time travel machine work yet that's not how security works i realize there's electricity involved but it seems like this stake thing has pinned him in place for way too long considering how powerful he is i was able to program your voice and handprint into the biometric security system skynet is already pretty much self-aware at this point they allow this terminator to program sarah's voice and handprint without raising any red flags what about that it's dangerous this reminds me that earlier the t-1000 was able to revive a t-800 with some of its liquid metal dna that might have been a cool idea to explore alas it was just a reason to make one scene possibly more exciting and to ex-mock an arnie back to life at the end if he could do this then why did he have to do this to get out of the helicopter blade situation 40 some year old t800 will now go toe-to-toe with the terminator so advanced it might as well be megatron from transformers age of extinction you know in hindsight john connor really turned out to be a terminator jesus guy just shoot all the projectors already the john connor terminator is a video game boss that you've defeated twice in the game already but when you meet him for the final battle suddenly has new attacks he didn't use before you are nothing but a relic from a deleted timeline we don't know exactly which timeline yet but maybe the sequels how does jon not hear this it's in the same room how many shells does that thing hold anyone who loves me they die anyone who loves me they die cliche it's not a terminator movie unless somebody's fixing a motorcycle are they approaching him without even consulting his parents i like her say you wouldn't have a picture over somewhere would you this touching scene of kylo and kyle dialogue is brought to you by how the [ __ ] are kyle and pops even still here they destroyed skynet which means neither of them was ever sent oh [ __ ] it just get to the credits already will you it was over i hope so but i bet not one thing we know for sure the future is not set except that it is every one of these movies tells me the future is not set only to have its sequel tell me it is i'm done with you terminator movies i'm cutting you off you're dead to me bull and credit sequence sets up a sequel that no one who sees this movie will watch also what avengers comic book am i going to need to read to figure out what this is have you tried turning it off and on again it is true what many of you have heard the machines have gathered an army and as i speak that army is drawing nearer to our home now get up energized i can't let you do this you lost your [ __ ] mind larry we have been friends and you respect my dad and i respect you but i will put [ __ ] bullets right through your heart you put that [ __ ] gun down now anthony perkins psycho i won't let them hurt you when you lie to me i hurt you these constituent parts could not have survived the blast that means there's only one thing left to do

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 5,945,474

Keywords: review, movie review, everything wrong with, eww, wave jockey job, Terminator: Genesis (Film), genisys, cinema sins, terminator genisys, cinemasins

Id: _ri1EF4UCOY

Length: 17min 59sec (1079 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 19 2015