Everything Wrong With Constantine In Chain Smoking Minutes

DC Comics reading who just reaches into a dark hole like that how can I even see where the bottom was or that anything was down there you want to get eaten by penny lines because this is how you get eaten by penny wise no sudden Christine this is far and away the most interesting way to show how a demonic possession device works in a movie but most people would drop the knife after getting t-boned by a car right gotta admit this is a tough way to find out that your loved one is spider-woman to Jesus there's so much focus on this cigarette for the last two minutes I'm starting to wonder if it's Constantine and I'm also wondering if that would make for a better movie this is constant roll extra credits you mean the Shia LaBeouf Express is directly under the demon-possessed woman's apartment why do I get the feeling that the only reason that it's here is so that the movie could introduce Shia LaBeouf and it will be awkward later smile I mean I don't know much about demon possession or demons in general but I struggle with the idea that a demon could get trapped in some mirror world using an ordinary mirror this is like that impossible riddle you're in a room with no windows no doors no exit of any kind the only things inside the room are a mirror and a table how do you get out and the answer is you look in the mirror to see what you saw grab the saw cut the table in half put the halves together to make a hole and then escape through the hole that's pretty much what I get out of this demon defeating technique I get Constantine's a badass it likes to talk but since this woman's life is at stake here and we find out keeping the demon in the mirror isn't easy does this seem like a good use of time granted I don't know what the rules of the mirror are but why can't they turn the mirror on its side yeah it might not be reflecting the possessed girl anymore but once it's outside it won't be reflecting her either this bolt works I think this movie is confessing to see this okay why do movies always let detective characters walk into scenes like this where they would have a conflict of interest so these women are supposed to be twins right just checking Manuel is addictive cattle its dragon's breath I thought you couldn't get it anymore oh no a guy doesn't know hey this dragon's breath is pretty rare let me shoot it in the middle of this room for no reason to demonstrate its power in an extremely wasteful fashion John John Keanu Reeves plays a character named John cliche don't think some how about Johnny you talk Jonathan Harker Don John Johnny pneumonic John from a movie called generation um John wick Johnny silver hand and the maybe possibly upcoming cyberpunk 2077 game and he's about to play a guy called John rain in a TV mini-series yeah you can even throw in Jack Travon from speed since jack is sometimes a derivative of a job I really need to speak with him is very morning first-come first-served - John assume that Angela wants to talk to Gabriel and not the priest Gabriel is talking to you and what are the odds both of them would be here at this exact moment to talk to two people who just happened to be here at the same time also this dude who's like the secretary or something doesn't even try to alleviate the confusion at all he's like you two just come on in at the same time both do you think you're talking to the same person and I know better but you God is mysterious and then he probably throws one of those smoke bombs on the floor disappears he's still trying to buy your way into heaven based on the summer of 2020 offerings I would say you didn't send them back far enough to go to hell that life is his own and while both of these characters know that and it doesn't need to be said it's an extremely odd way to state the obvious it's almost like they know to keep it a surprise for later why does rubbing a newspaper give this guy any particular psychic knowledge just a newspaper the pages in the ink work hanging around the crime scene how did the security camera get this close-up footage of Isabel cameras set to a wide shot of the entire roof the only way this shot exists is if a security guard was practicing camera zooms for a film class instead of saving Isabel angela hits the rewind button that would have taken her to the beginning of the video and not skip back a few frames as it does here until it doesn't QuickTime correctly I know she's a detective but how many phones does she need in this tiny office whoa how did this billboard know it was time for John to buy a new Chevy you know I had been dying for some movie to accurately portray the bugblatter beast of trawl and to have it simply get hit by a car and died is very disappointing if this is a bar of mostly supernatural creatures than how impressive is this really I'm assuming the people around here or like oh great diana is still turning water into wine can't you at least up her game to some makers marker cutty sark ah Grady fly remember no no just your usual chain reaction oh maybe you could just listen then please look I know Constantine has his own going on but this will be the third time he's ignored and/or turned down the company of Rachel vice and that may be the biggest sin of the movie John sees the demons flying around outside that he later believes to be coming after Angela but they take their sweet-ass time to go in for the attack allowing John to catch up and have an entire conversation with her before showing up that's really not going to help but how could it hurt who's your eyes so I know Constantine is a dick but she asked why so she didn't refuse to close her eyes she was asking for an explanation which you could easily get that's me sure let's see if she's in help ironically the bus that just went past John has to maintain a speed of 50 miles an hour or else it can't be an idiotic jump-scare this movie is at least 33% Rachel Weisz down pausing shots be careful with that cat so you couldn't just dip your feet in the water while holding a dead person's cat and visit hell it's totally arbitrary and I probably didn't ingest enough drugs before watching this I believe Constantine's representation of hell is correct it's a melange of CGI Saur technology borrowed from spawn and mortal combat being blown around by hurricane-force winds I'm definitely gonna start reading the Bible after the scene as soon as my optometrist tells me there's no hope oh oh that's cool so this hellscape can just recreate Isabelle's death all the way down to her disposing of her medical wristbands so that John will have proof he saw her down here the thing she didn't pull it at a Denny's no it's Constantine Angela Jesus only shows up if you put the water in a flower vase and have a monkey wrapped around your neck what we're 2005 Catholic schools teaching these kids how is this possible it's not oh dude the other way the guy who broke into the morgue with the other way oh the irony of being named Hennessy and being unable to taste alcohol apparently the type of place that has zero employees because nobody seems to care that you're laying waste to perfectly good alcohol in here angels and demons can't cross over unfortunately it did and then we got Inferno drown himself in alcohol in under a minute could have been a member of my fraternity pretty sure your officer Mac I've got the jokes fraternity would be closed down quickly if members were dying about the hull poisoning on the regular so you hadn't committed yeah how long two weeks the real question is how long did it take Angelo to answer John's question he asked down by the pool now she's answering him and Isabelle's old room she knew you'd come she counted on to see what she saw and she grabbed the saw got the table in half and put the halves together I had a she found her sisters message but this is a major indictment on this hospitals cleaning standards the sins of the father would only be exceeded by the sins of the son whose son but he can't cross over me Constantine has known for some time that demons who shouldn't be on the human plane are crossing over so this whole they can't cross over thing is some bull he's already figured out even if it is the Antichrist whose son God's Son Wow this movie places some offbeat sequel to the devil's advocate there was a greedy fly in here and it flies away meanwhile on the new episode of character she forgot existed Manuel continues his journey with the spear of destiny next week's episode Shia LaBeouf's Chas Kramer character pretty sure that's a billboard that exists but the chances of it being in this exact spot at this exact moment there was a possessed man wielding a religious weapon is well more insane than the Bible he used to pretend that I didn't that I didn't see things I hear you Angela I'm trying to pretend I don't see 700 water drugs in this room but it's a losing battle you do this there's no time if you do this there's no turning back cliche I'm thinking this is a funny moment but I'm wondering why they can't find her suitable tub where for this process go out and get a bathing suit not only that but she's wearing her damn shoes in this tub there are a variety of ways not to be naked yet wearing proper tub attire by water so Universal conover lubricates a transition yeah that sounds good we'll go with that I ask me if there's water in the house so water inhale asking someone to ask you a question and then not answering is a sin right take a deep one why can't you wear a scuba mask or some clothes are okay why not breathing assistance water is the conduit not the ability to hold your breath when Constantine told her she had to be completely submerged why does that mean that her hands and knees get to stay out of the water and why she's still wearing a watch goddamn I have so many questions hiss hiss whoa whoa what happened a Beeman he was here covered in flies a minute ago did he just disappear could the flies eat him what happened to his body holy that's weird it was his rolling not a ball something smaller glad the movie went this lazy route and didn't show actual detective work being done this is the equivalent of Columbo not being able to figure out who the murderer is so he takes a bath how the with Constantine know that Balthazar was behind this very mirror enjoy why would you let him fish around in his coat pockets you know Constantine has a variety of demon banishing and killing weapons right a greedy fly no doubt bush so wait you're telling me that Balthazar knew Angelo would want to practice her psychic powers again when he killed Beeman and left his coin behind also it seems like they could have captured her at any time they wanted and it didn't require drawing her out they were ready to attack her when she was on the street after visiting Constantine earlier seriously screw the balance this is the flimsiest moral high ground and will be a sat on since the Hunger Games you're telling me not a single demon or angel half-breed has found a way around this before now I haven't been twin psychics before now it's the balance even defined other papers that half-breeds signed with it landowner 200 souls for this would be nasty on CC so wait the chair John's been asking to sit in is an ordinary electric chair why does it have to be this chair this is a 19th century invention the hell power does a possess in this world furthermore it doesn't even appear that the chair itself matters this is just sending an electrical charge through some water on the floor and now I really don't know what's going on mr. chair allows him to see I guess where the spear of destiny is Constantine was asking about sitting in the chair well before he knew the spear of destiny was even important so I'm honestly lost as to why this works also I'm not sure why midnight yes that's his name let's just send that first also also I'm not sure why midnight wouldn't let him sit in the chair in the first place he's all about balance which merely means that the demons and angels can't directly interfere with humans so why would seeing this upset the balance half-breeds are most vulnerable in their inner outer skin is breached by holy water Shia LeBeouf exposition Shia position X bola bak it's not always negative exactly sometimes there's an entire storyline about how cells forming a union and fighting their oppressor that doesn't get included but then three movies later was supposed to give me the Dobby dot I'm sorry I get it too Harry Potter arguments with very little prompt I don't know how many rounds that specific gun carries but I'm gonna guess it's not 29 my name is John okay so all Mammon's followers take a look at John but this is oddly familiar remember when Angela was shooting at the demon earlier yeah it's the same shot only reversed the giveaway is this hot chick in a skirt and knee-high socks and the guy in the friend zone sitting next to her she's in the foreground of both shots with the same background and everything he shots her literally 90 seconds apart guess what goes I'm on to you Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Michelle Monaghan is gone from this movie as fast as she arrived I'm pretty sure Shia LaBeouf didn't make enough bullets to tear through this giant crowd of demons but the movie seems to think he did I see half-breeds follow the while in a group only come with the protagonist one at the time even though attacking us a group would be more effective movie philosophy no one will be seated during the Keanu Reeves left hand is bigger than Rachel vices entire stomach scene this is Kramer Chas Kramer Mammon does two Shia LaBeouf look probably a lot of Hollywood actors and directors have thought about doing which is fine but why not do this to Constantine who is the much bigger threat okay this is the second time it's not like the books has been uttered I have to wonder what books of these two reading I assume they're talking about novels like The Exorcist er maybe Legion or possibly even the Bible and if that's the case then this is exactly like the books musically shape you like but use it wisely G movie follows the law and order equation of if you introduce a known actor for no good reason then they disappear for a length of time they have to be the bad guy wouldn't Tarantino's Constantine I am simply seeking to inspire mankind to old it was me so I'm wondering how Gabriel equals the power of God was the Bible from hell said was necessary to bring Satan's kid into the world sure the movie is probably saying that God lieutenant's qualified but you think the text would say the power of God and anyone from heaven associated with God it's the movies trick so that you won't guess it's Gabriel right away also why is God not in the loop on all this going down on earth doesn't he know everything he just turns a blind eye to this kind of tomfoolery I don't care how much of a Keanu you are slicing both of your wrists with a piece of jagged broken glass would hurt like a mother but cause a little more of a facial expression than whatever he's displaying currently he looks like he just looked into his McDonald's bag and realizes they thought he said extra onions instead of none this style of auras watch starts at about $561 I'm not saying that Angela couldn't afford this on a cop's salary in LA but I am saying Angela couldn't afford this on a cop's salary in LA I haven't seen this obvious of a Satan typecasting since Viggo Mortensen in the prophecy and the tilda swinton of the 1990s Christopher Walken played Gabriel the one soul that would come up here to collect myself interesting that John simply gets to talk and negotiate with the double before he dies why is there even a negotiating period Lucifer has no clue about the Gabriel Mammon deal god damned Lucifer is a mega dick okay guys now recreate the iconic alien Ripley scene from alien 3 haha sweet looks like somebody which is why it's so being unbelievable that Gabriel could try to pull this off they're not God and God obviously found out about all the bad stuff Gabriel did and script them with her power I can't see how this plan could ever work yeah what do you want can you get an extension how does that not affect the balance what is the point of the balance john told Balthazar he had to ask for absolution to get into heaven and he most certainly didn't do that furthermore Gabriel told him all the good he did was to benefit him so it didn't put him in God's good graces and you're telling me his decision to free Isabelle from Hell over himself wasn't in his best interest and already planned out because you'd be wrong man I'm beginning to think these truth ads are going too far I had somewhere known that's the point when some [ __ ] is just going to stumble on it looking for bottles one day so Constantine got cancer and then had to kill himself to get the devil to help him out then he almost went to heaven but was snatched back by the devil and while the cancer was removed and he gets a little long life he does not end up with Rachel vice so are we sure he isn't actually in Hell at the end of the movie you did good kid and credits scene has John putting magic lighter on Chaz Kramer's grave and Shia LaBeouf shows up as an angel I'd say you can't make the bit up but yeah you know the ones so that would come up here to collect myself next week starting March 9th it's sin week and all members of our patreon will get 4 bonus since videos the public will not see including game night a redo of our Avengers sins video from 2012 Pokemon the movie and Love Actually you can get all four of those if you sign up at any tier 3 dollars and up on our patreon patreon comm slash cinemasins you can do it come do it for bonus sins videos bla that's gonna leave a mark which is great Chas Kramer [ __ ] you're talking to me you're talking to me I'm trying real hard I'm trying real hard to be the Shepherd to frogs on a bench there's a couple wavy lines Dotson Dotson Dotson we've got Dotson here nobody cares what would you do pop quiz [ __ ] you have a hair-trigger aimed at your head what do you do what do you do half-breed tip the scales we started killing my friends I'm just adding some of the children give me strength No [Music]

Channel: CinemaSins

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Keywords: constantine, keanu reeves, keanu, hellbalzer, john constantine, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, eww constantine, everything wrong with constantine, cinemasins constantine, constantine review, review, movie review, dc comics, constantine movie, hell, keanu reeves constantine, demons, wave jockey job

Id: bqTE0kirkzI

Length: 17min 0sec (1020 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 05 2020