Everything Wrong With Stargate In 14 Minutes Or Less

[Music] stealing on accident is still stealing movie rips off Raiders and inspires the Brendan Frasier mummy movies all in one establishing shot to say nothing of The Fifth Element after unearthing this ancient artifact these presumably skilled archaeologists decide that the best course of action is to pull this thing upright potentially damaging it even though there's no indication that it's supposed to be that way unless there's a hieroglyphic on the side that says sign up or something hardest game of horseshoes ever and nothing of importance happened with the strange alien ring door for 75 years this is the most heavily attended lecture about the Egyptian pyramids in the history of ever this is a fringe dude with some wacky new theories no way the hall is packed like a screen junkies panel at ComicCon Colonel Vice discovered Quan's inscriptions of cfu's name within the pyramid well his Discovery was a fraud after some quick Googling I discovered there's some controversy around vice's discovery but it seems highly unlikely that he forged the kufu carou yet no one in the room challenges Daniel's claim that this is a fraud even though most historians and egyptologists think vice's discoveries are authentic I don't have any idea who built them apparently saying I don't know in a lecture about the pyramids is a huge no no because he said plenty of equally crazy stuff before this yet that statement is what prompted everyone to leave someone wants to speak with you oh awesome could you be a little more vague ancient Egyptian hero I have never heard anyone use that pronunciation in my life opening any kind of paperwork and that kind of downpour would leave the paperwork and tatters in a matter of seconds movie so you I know he's curious but he's a scientist he's too smart to look at this in a downpour of Noah level rainfall hey we need a way to show this former Soldier as despondent I've got it have him looking at childhood photos and zoning out while literally stroking a potential suicide gun in his hand brilliant we're here to inform you that you've been reactivated despite your obvious mental health issues which apparently no one knows about or which are being overlooked for some reason but which are still obvious and honestly kind of frightening how'd he get like that his kid died accidentally shot himself your did that not come up before they were sent to fetch him [Music] allergies was happen so I travel only Dopey nerds have allergies hell Dr Gary Myers how are you Richard kind isn't in a Pixar movie in this movie two of the three males in this shot are wearing sweater shirt combos worthy of Tim Allen and the Santa Claus Stargate roll credits my report says 10,000 you know you're a workoholic when getting called back to work is the only thing that can snap you out of a deep depression caused by your son accidentally killing himself nothing of import occurred for the next 2 weeks I'm never getting get paid Daniel plays back his recorded notes so we the audience can get up to speed on what he's accomplished in the last 2 weeks the answer is nothing he doesn't dump out the 3 o of remaining coffee in the pot before filling it with water to make a new pot I mean what the hell do you even coffee random perfectly timed newspaper article that inspires the protagonist XM up I B this asking for permission rather than forgiveness I guess this looks the same but there are several major differences that give me Reasonable Doubt may you could have at least made the hieroglyphic version have the same general points that the constellation has prop Master overloaded the nerd character with an orgy of evidence level of underarm blueprints for the scene remember when this [ __ ] desponded and ready to kill himself like two weeks ago is the movie ever going to address that what device show up you brought in an expert to help you decipher the markings but didn't show him everything the kind of logic are you following Daniel draws on the monitor with permanent marker instead of just saying hey I think this is the right symbol that was in front of us the whole time I don't think Jackson is a genius so much as Myers is really really bad at his job also if they knew six symbols already why didn't they just try the combination with each symbol until the thing turned on is it like an iPhone and it will erase the Wormhole if you enter the combination wrong more than three times also they go from he identified the symbol to activate theer with not only zero questions or objections but also 0 seconds of time my father found it 1928 and so he owned it but he was stupid so he put it in storage discount Fisher Stevens and discount summer glow cross with Nancy Travis here are in Shock who I just made a Fisher Stevens joke and now that movie is going to give me a discount Johnny 5 even if this galaxy did exist there would be no way they would be able to get any information from a device in this galaxy that is on the other side of the universe seconds after they sent a probe there based on this new information I don't see how we can do that I could do that why are they all so taken aack by this this guy just cracked a code on the earth portal in 2 weeks yet they seem baffled that he would be able to do basically the same thing from the other side somehow in 1994 Fifth Avenue candy bars had the marketing budget for product placement in a late summer early fall Blockbuster backup storage Reserve power having seen this whole movie I know for a fact this chick is just reciting gibberish for the sake of creating movie excitement Stargate makes easy Max sounds when people step into it deconstruction in progress movie wants this to be a space portal gate but background dialogue about molecular deconstruction makes me view it as more of a Star Trek transporter but overall makes me realize this movie's writers don't care or know much about science Daniel is wasting precious time by playing with the Stargate and also bloating the movies runtime also no one wants to take the time to describe what this feels like is it wet ticklish warm fuzzy tingly I guess we'll never know they all decide to use flares because flashlights are just too [Music] practical I guess we needed a solid four establishing shots of this structure also I'm not entirely sure this isn't the Temple of goer from Ghostbusters Three Bruce Almighty moons in one shot that has to be a record this is a replica of the Great Pyramid of Giza isn't the whole point that the Great Pyramid of Giza is a replica of this your job here is to realign the Stargate can you do that or not I can't and this is why they should have discussed it a little further before the general immediately added Daniel to the team you just turn on the gate from the other side oh no it doesn't work that way you see if you don't turn it on from here we're screwed but why though does the Stargate only work in the direction where it's activated Daniel doesn't immediately notice these Footprints after cresting the sand dun the first alien we see is a buffalo that looks like James Lipton it's okay it's okay Jackson teleported to another dimension but still has complete confidence he can approach control and tame this planet's version of a woly hippo you're not even offering it anything just an Open Hand of gentrification this wooky Mammoth is running way too fast for any humans to keep up with him but keep up with him they do character gets licked awake by gross animal cliche based on the size of this Dune I'm not entirely sure he could see anything that would have prompted him to take a closer look he highly trained military professionals stand in plain view of these potentially hostile alien creatures so that is a scary alien ritual say hey let's walk right towards it hi even though these human aliens have similar structures to our ancient Egyptians Daniel doesn't try to speak to them in ancient Egyptian instead he just says hi in English and just stares blankly well handshaking is a pretty American thing even multiple cultures on our own Planet don't do the handshaking so some alien kid yeah he's going to react like you just ordered his castration because on this planet they probably do things differently you idiots by I can't make it out in order to help me feel with the main characters are feeling movie offers up zero captions for this man's comment leaving me to believe he's Sayang darok and Galan a tanagra they all drink this without having any idea what it is for all they know it'sing antifreeze and they're drinking from mini bed pants I took some readings on what they mining back there this is the only Soldier who's bothering to actually do his job even though there were a bunch of tents and at the last location our civilization is way the far away so let's walk for a montage I mean a bit this alien chick Falls for James Spader faster than you can say alien libidos are Swift was covered up so we could have this dramatic reveal that could also have been accomplished by a simple camera [Music] tilt also is it just me or is this rejoice in the sandstorm band playing the beat for my milkshake brings all the boys to the art I don't think we should eat any food here but you will gladly accept their water he said chcken what the hell's going on you're on an alien planet after passing through a magical Stargate and you still have enough Earth Focus to ask a question like this couldn't literally anything be going on that was strange to you right now but still possibly explainable by the whole not Earth planet thing no one will be seated during the weird Society worships James sper like the Ewoks worship c3b it really worked out that these aliens look exactly like humans and the ruler guy daughter is hot or this would have been really awkward Daniel I'm Daniel are we really having a me Tarzan you Jane moment right [Music] now this in species couple that can only communicate via dirt drawings is communicating better after 10 minutes than most married couples I know communicate after 10 years years going through the Stargate must erase any military training because these guys clearly don't know how to look around with their weapons drawn anymore this movie is Kurt Russell is basically half snake pisin and half Todd 3465 from Soldier it took little to no time for one of the humans to teach one of the aliens one of our terrible habits H keep it he's going to be so disappointed when it runs out of fluid no dangerous I almost forgot that alien kid touching his gun hits Incredibly Close close to home because Jack son shot himself because no one evering talks about it at this point I have to mention I haven't had one goddamn Ager sighting in this entire movie and that's worth a sin God damn it Nuru Nuru way too many minutes of language lessons Batmobile pharoh 2 movie places undue value on a Zippo lighter just like out of sight the oceans movies Reservoir Dogs Die Hard the weekend's hairstyle suddenly makes sense to me just when you relaxed a violently discount Dark Crystal attempts to invade the story he came to a world rich with life wall of hieroglyphics on this Alien Planet explains in great detail the entire backstory of the movie now he apparently found a young boy man his interpretive Powers increased tenfold after arriving on this alien planet where he locked into already kind of knowing their Bas language where's seven it's worn off because it would just be too easy for it to be sitting there in pristine condition like everything else in this cave can someone teach the colonel and the rest of his crew while we're at it how to properly hold their guns you you son well this isn't fair these alien creatures have these Egyptian cattle prods all the earthlings have are these machine guns stay right here and shoot anything that comes down that ramp oh good I was starting to worry they weren't familiar with the concept of shooting put it down Jackson yeah go ahead and put it down your chance to shoot was a good 30 seconds ago and you ruined it that's a bomb isn't it that's what you were looking for what the hell were you thinking what' you come here for Daniel doesn't ask him three more questions all in succession that he cannot answer B really dude you're not going to try and at least shoot some of these other henchmen headed your way this guy simply forgot how to military strings once again information that could have been useful to me [Music] yesterday raw needs to watch some of our Bond films so he'll know that revealing your evil plan to the hero is never a good idea that still doesn't answer the question of why also ancient Egypt was badass and all but it was by no means the Genesis of every single World Civilization and that's why you don't give a weapon to a prisoner it's pretty great that everyone on this planet wears flowy brown sheets it makes it super easy to hide anyone holy these alien gods are terrible shots and these alien humans are terrible at running away no one is doing well right now take these guns away Lieutenant before they hurt themselves quick reminder Jack son accidentally killed himself with a gun don't worry I for about it too for what to do what more the same I guess there are only like 10 bad guys in this movie and thousands of good guys I don't think we need to get this been out of shape over having them fight my orders were simple track down signs of any possible danger if I found any blow up the Stargate the military sends him on a suicide mission for no reason besides giving the movie a reason to have a bomb creating this final Conflict also do we really need an atomic bomb to blow up the Stargate a couple of sticks of dynamite would probably do the trick or even a really good Sledgehammer oh oh he has a Nintendo Power Glove that's racist yes I did think so Daniel does some light reading in a cave and he can speak their language fluently I mean maybe I'm not a linguist I'm just an [ __ ] but this seems highly improbable to me this is a symbol for this planet Daniel can only discover something when it's unintentionally revealed to him almost at the last second I found it now is not the time for the pronoun game thing this white guy showed up to show all the slaves that their religion is [ __ ] hey they ripped off the Washington Monument twice boy he sure mastered that otherworldly alien gun in a hurry didn't he where the did this ancient Egyptian [ __ ] get fighter jets I don't want the bomb to go to Earth just as much as the next guy but why hasn't he done that already there is literally nothing stopping him whenever you're ready I guess I'm going to stay here make sure this goes off movie inspires Bruce Willis character in Armageddon and arguably the entire movie Armageddon itself you got 7 minutes now now he's needlessly put a time limit on their success which is why you my friend are a dick yeah let's point the enemy's weapon at the nuclear bomb seems like a good idea and I stopped caring sorry I just I mean my car meter tops out when it tops out it's not up to me and this movie didn't do enough to oh look I even stopped caring about this sin about me not caring I'm not sad I have good news the timer isn't moving wa you've been amused up until now it's convenient that ra Darth cious method of killing provides cinematic suspense while also allotting time for the person's Rescue all the other slaves XM let's hope whatever atmosphere this planet has protects everyone from the Fallout this would probably be really inspirational if I had any idea what he [Applause] said Mr leave me behind is going back now even though he sort of developed a nice father-son relationship with ruio here I'm going to be all right Daniel doesn't go on to say my intelligence makes me like a god to them and the most attractive woman on this planet is super intimate I'm going to do a lot better here than I was doing on Earth I'll be seeing you around definitely not an [Music] Egyptian I'm glad you asked that because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan I should have said [Music] [Applause] station the last 24 hours have seen some extraordinary Soviet Naval activity

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,475,044

Keywords: stargate, everything wrong with, eww, movie review, review, stargate review, wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins

Id: Cyen90xcvYY

Length: 14min 52sec (892 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 21 2016