Everything Wrong With Wild Wild West in 24 Minutes or Less

foreign [Music] blade covers about 25 feet and 10 frames of film or about a third of a second which means it's traveling somewhere in the range of 50 miles per hour considering it was about 25 feet behind check all scientists at this point and still doesn't catch him for another four seconds that means to outrun it for that long he would have to be running at least it's hilarious that you think I would actually do the math but there's no way he's running that fast miles per hour also they show the blade passing through the same set of trees four different times I've seen it before and I'll see it again just a little bit the forestry dream beating [Music] president giant spider wasting your breath on Exposition while running for your life I knew the 15 second logo was too good to be true movie makes me pay for my unbridled optimism by slapping Us in the face with a full two minutes of opening credit the legendary Captain James West I hope this movie just goes full names position and makes every character say the full name and title of every other character in every conversation in fact every movie should do this Colonel Nathan Roy Jessup did you order the code red you don't have to answer that question Colonel Nathan Roy Joseph I'll answer the question judge Julius Alexander Randolph you want answers Lieutenant Junior gray Daniel Alastair coffee I think I'm entitled to them girl Nathan Roy Joseph Lieutenant Junior great Daniel after Kevin you want answers Colonel Nathan Roy Joseph I want the troop you can't handle the truth though Dennis Jr great Daniel Alastair Cafe see perfect a bunk shelves and this conveniently buoyant table are all ridiculous additions to what appears to be a functioning water tower but the sin is swimming in this water I'm nearly certain the ph and chlorine values are way off I can't decide if the labor part of this joke is Will Smith pretending he would be making fishy faces to keep up the charade of making out that she wouldn't notice he's turning his head while she's kissing him for several seconds or that he wouldn't notice her eventually noticing him faking love to her for a few more seconds after she stopped kissing him next stop New Orleans is there a particular reason to verbalize the destination aside from giving convenient Clues to the audience and our protagonist holy [ __ ] did you remember this PG-13 movie pulled a full reverse Turtle there's almost a full second of this package being completely out for delivery I mean I'm sure it's not actually the king's Richard but how did I forget Wild Wild West went full turn scrote sure could use some clothes down here ma'am this is interpreted as throw me a hat because an insecure naked man was funny in 1999 and it only gets funnier the more prolonged his discomfort is they both are suddenly scared of his penis which is super confusing because it's been hanging out for a while now and should no longer have the element of surprise that's too many dots ellipses are like hockey games movie they only need three periods to get the job done hitting on someone by suckling the air also get it it's hilarious because he's hitting on a man dressed as a woman now laugh [Music] I want something young and creamy it's gross gotta be interested you're a [ __ ] no one likes their job all the time and I think that is a Timeless concept that even this bigoted [ __ ] should understand there is no possible way that brooch had enough flower power to knock someone out the only thing that man should have to worry about is the possible trauma of a light sneeze is this convenient rope track really much faster than just running I submit not nice roll this is not the way you transport Nitro to be fair the criminals probably weren't planning on you spooking their horses so you can't be sure they weren't going to make some final adjustments that would make it suited for a more leisurely transport so quit being a dick about pointing out mistakes that might not actually be mistakes you pedantic [ __ ] here jelly also did he just snort not and it immediately dripped out of his ear Pavilion the movie doesn't know how to use station tube correctly I believe this shot is attempting to indicate that all of these people stopping to come out and listen to this song this seems unlikely Luby thinks that hypnotism is a thing and that it can occur this quickly it's not like dumb getting a little sleepy I guess I'll just lay down this guy was running past Jim here making this closed line completely unnecessary he was hilarious and would have gotten listen removal if it felt like a character choice and not just bad fight choreography I'm a US Marshal stay out of my way get out of my way get out of my way even if there was some sort of convenient sight line to where Smith and Klein are having this conversation away from any obvious windows and she could somehow see both of their mouths how did she know to be looking in that exact spot for them is she a mutant whose powers are Clairvoyance x-ray vision and extreme lip reading some Miss weapon reader informs me the lip reader is named lip and reader I suppose at this point I shouldn't be surprised letting mindless useless creatures wander around the White House also these sheep somebody mind telling me what the hell is going on here sure I can help so you called this meeting to tell these guys to work together even though you set up this meeting one of them arrived in full makeup pretending to be you while the second guy nearly killed the Imposter before you walked in late and after security didn't barge in when they heard a gunshot makes sense one of us was trying to catch McGrath and the other was trying to marry him we don't have time for this whooping D does actually have time for this the letter was delivered today with that cake it's marzipan isn't that careful yeah be careful it has spiders that are trained in the art of synchronized dramatic Revelation I don't need intelligence to tell me that no you'd rather rely on stupidity so it's reluctant Partners who are forced to work together and will eventually Bond and put aside their differences yada yada well I wasn't the title of this movie Just dull dull cliche how the hell is this penny farthing staying upright while being stationary I won't send all the ridiculous physics in this movie but this launch pad sends West straight up into the air and he somehow goes forward to the precise train car roof opening I haven't seen licenses taken with gravity and inertia this insane since the breast physics on Street Fighter 5 had to be patched this is not needlepoint yes because using needles to connect metal rings seems completely absurd and I don't know why the movie is pretending these are the most effective tools for doing this my latest invention I call it the impermeable no this is chainmail and its invention is suspected to have occurred sometime in the third or fourth Century BC if you were stops a bullet then it's definitely the best chainmail but it's still chainmail if you're gonna add Aaron dings we're gonna add Aaron since why is this lever even here not saying there isn't a valid reason but this movie has a terrible question to answer ratio according to according to the determinist theory a dying person's last conscious image is burned into the back of his eyeball rather like a photograph and I had all this set up ahead of time on this train but because of our clear and evident mutual respect and the fact that I didn't even know we were going to be forced to work together wait until this very moment to try the last part of it out also some bull movie science that has been debunked many times by actual science makes it into the movie [Music] refraction of the lenses causes the image to appear upside down and thankfully I had it installed on a machine made specifically for turning the head upside down even though I'm pretending like I'm just figuring this part out right now this nonsense manages to not only provide a clue but also a clue within the clue that tells them exactly when and where they need to go next and all this convenient information doesn't somehow wrap this movie up in an efficient 30 minutes 346 Pine Court Garden District also that sure was a whole lot of bullets to go through for what turned out to be a simple zoom and enhanced cliche that Knight of fat cans it wasn't a difficult task to see that you weren't a woman basing gender on specific visual standards is probably its own sin but even so you yourself gendered him female up until the moment he took off the wig and you reacted like this so maybe stop trying to sell a story the buyer has proof is false these breasts are a work of art aesthetically and scientifically perfect using science to justify personal taste just one touch one okay okay be a Happy Garden I'm touching your breasts I knew it he thinks they're gay that's why we're supposed to laugh the possibility of homosexuality that's the whole joke now laugh buckwheat that's your problem sure we could send the inherent sexism involved here but the really offensive part of this is that Gordon would create a water type bladder for these breast inserts even though he had somehow never thought about using liquid to simulate a breast the straps on his boob vests are the same fabric as the outside of this coat meaning either he prepped the boobs for this specific moment where he always wears the boobs on the outside of this coat again more questions than answers I was just going to jot down a note you know Gordon I think you underestimate the convenience of a pocket I was gonna say that Jim West would be excellent at stealing my cinema sins this spiderweb door pattern reminds me of the window and Doctor Strange and this sliding introduction into the room reminds me of the blofeld scene in no time to die this is despite the fact that neither of those comparisons is really even that close that's right this movie is so annoying my brain is desperately trying to shout out other barely related movies it would rather be watching Under Siege it's me dear friends I can't decide if this bat Kenneth Brana performance is the best thing about the movie or the worst my head says send it but my heart says remove a sin for it like I have a heart do we ever lose our sense of humor me giving myself a pep talk after reading the YouTube comments somehow makes its way into the script [Music] protagonist and antagonist meet 30 minutes into the movie and it doesn't end right here hypothetically if one of them were to shoot the other we wouldn't have to suffer through the rest of this film that doesn't happen so the movie gets a bunch of sins for not showing us any Mercy but perhaps the loveliness East will keep you from being a slave to your disappointment you know beautiful women they encourage you one minute and cut the legs out from under you the next Mr Loveless responds to Mr West's extremely ableist comment with an extremely racist comment which Mr West follows with another ableist comment that is also extremely sexist in the hall we got ourselves an istop villain leaves because his feelings are hurt instead of just killing James West right then and there and I don't want to hear about how some villains enjoy toying with their opponent more than actually winning that's only fun to watch when the villain's motives are interesting Loveless just wants to build insane looking super weapons conquer the United States and then retire to the Northwest for some kinky cyborg sex ah I talk long enough to prove myself wrong again didn't I well it still gets one sin versus the five I was gonna get it I'd follow you into the jaws of cerberus's self considering Cerberus is a giant three-headed devil dog do you mean the jaws of all three or the jaws of one of the three be specific with your obsequiousness McGrath be specific are you Avengers spy some want or just a handsome cowboy s too poke around East temps West by flashing her thong of the South except considering he's directly in front of her this gesture seems to exist solely to point the audience's compass North this is not how perspective works to think that Jim wouldn't have noticed a three-dimensional human standing in a painting the second he walked into this room is downright ludicrous just because we're watching a two-dimensional movie doesn't mean we've forgotten the third one exists also nightmare fuel aside this gag Falls flat because West has been in this room for over a minute meaning the six men in these paintings had plenty of time to shoot or subdue him while they still had the element of surprise after the guy in the painting somehow missed him at point-blank range and shoots East instead West shoots another five shots which would appear to match the five dead bodies in addition to East that we see here great job well this movie is so full of casual intentional racism that I can't even tell if stuff like this knows it's being racially insensitive or not and the fact that it comes from one of our heroes means it's a sin either way never drum one of white lady's boobies had a big redneck dance I don't think the term redneck was used that much during this time period to begin with and I'm even more sure it wasn't used in reference to the aristocracy in the South movie shamelessly objectifies Every Woman to the extent that I'm thinking the male gaze got an acting Credit Now in my native land Georgia Africa oh [ __ ] you movie y'all way to Baton Rouge no one involved in the production of this movie took a moment to think that a black man doing crowd work at his lynching was a bad idea also this scene and moreover this film are an attempt to satirize the idea of the hypersexualized black man a problematic stereotype to say the least that has permeated American culture for far too long I believe the filmmakers had the right intentions but failed horribly with all that being said the movie gets a bunch of sins here because sometimes comedy doesn't work and sometimes when it doesn't work you look like an [ __ ] would it help at all if I said I thought you were a man there's something funny about that damn rope no there is not I came to find Guillermo Escobar the scientist my father that's right the girl Gordon found in the cage is directly tied to the investigation and he didn't know it until after he had decided to bring her along for reasons whom he seems to indicate that Wes can commandeer this horse by removing one simple latch from its saddle and that's some horsesh even if it was only attached in the one place there's clearly a dual harness in front of the horses to keep them in law also after leaving the horse team lopsided and half as powerful absolutely nothing changes about the speed or stability of the carriage ride dream help me this movie is an elephant ears hair away from being a civil war themed Austin Powers movie and honestly if it had gone just that one step further I might be able to enjoy it occasionally barely yeah oh my king this movie would still suck you go straight to Hell sir and by Straight to Hell you clearly mean I'm going to stand here silently pointing this gun at you for a bit so you can get off a final witty retort and kill me instead this dog solely exists to hop down for this visual joke about an RCA logo that was designed in the year 1900 that about 1.7 percent of the audience will get and that is the very definition of a poor joke Roi this tank is a very impressive piece of technology that apparently has the ability to travel back in time and set right its missed marks because in the previous shot the tank was obviously left a center on this target I'm sure there are many who love this uninterrupted minute of Steampunk porn but personally I think it stopped being steampunk the second it became steamp pop and steam sold out eventually becoming steam emo steamo and now the horse and buggy has somehow been converted to a full single horse harness setup even though we cut to the ground shot they will try to make it appear is if it's just been pulled by a single horse with no harness only from the left side I am not fooled we complete warranted in 65. the girl's at the Mansion you know they talk I wonder if my hair will get fizzy in the desert there is this Utah anyway you know he could have just started with the Utah part right unless of course it was really important to get that unfunny women are always worried about their hair joke real quick she and I'd have wound up in the saddle it's funny I got the feeling she was much more interested in me met curvature of her buttocks and the swell of that magnificent bosom the power of boners derailed this train as many times as it derailed this movie I think we would have ourselves a prequel to Unstoppable titled extremely stoppable I know why those foreign guys were in love with this party of course she does please do my father's the only family I've got movie spends a good five minutes of filler on convincing Jim she can ride the train with them and zero minutes developing any reasonable purpose for doing so he's trying to sell though we'd just end up doing two-person push-ups together distraction and I'm not buying it but at least the movie has a reason for her being here right right Loveless is kidnapped a few metallurgists so whatever he's building is going to have armor so it's made of metal armor is an assumption based on other factors he kidnapped a couple chemists so it's going to have explosives so it will have multiple substances explosives are an assumption based on other factors read his father's the foremost expert in hydraulics in the world so the thing's gonna move so we will have hydraulic components movement is an assumption based on other factors what the hell could he be building that's going to make the president surrender the U.S government based on the movie so far I'm guessing a metallic self-sanitizing penis pump which is a breath of fresh ass she's a breast of fresh air Arty's boner is so powerful that I'm surprised he hasn't tapped it as a source renewable energy I've only made one or two other little additions to your wardrobe but I'm not telling you what that what that script does a pretty good through the time it's right this is entirely not our doing they actually cut from this shot of the train moving on a straight track to an insert of it suddenly in the middle of a turn just to make up for the fact that it should be impossible to shoot a stationary Cannon straight down a train track at another train that cannot deviate from its Force Promethean path and still somehow Stormtrooper that so are we giving them a sin for fixing a mistake no they're giving them a sin for clumsily fixing a mistake and only fixing this one I don't need a fully fleshed out plan but I would like to know why West grabbed the rope in the first place comes in handy when the cable breaks but if that doesn't happen I have no idea what the intentions behind this robot he's so courageous at the end of the movie Rita tries to play it off as if she was pretending to be interested in gym and Artemis so they would help her find her husband but what's the point of her acting this way right now in the middle of what feels like a life and death situation what do you think's going full Looney Tunes for half a minute is enough to be distracted from this big [ __ ] you to physics this is honestly one of the few situations where a knife at the tip of your boot would actually be helpful the rest of the time it would just make it difficult to walk or run so it's really convenient that Artemis installed this weapon today day of all days I have them Square in my sight sire as do I am munition as do I this movie shoe horny is in more strange sexual innuendo than my third cousin Devin at Thanksgiving dinner still not sure what he meant by taking the drumstick to stuffing town but I am sure it weirds me out that he was looking at the sweet potato casserole when he said it the Foxborough company wasn't around for another four decades after the Transcontinental Railroad was complete so much for gauging this continuity the only way any of this makes sense is if Rita is double crossing Jim and Artemis right now but nope this is all just a bunch of contrived nonsense Tim and this is how this big train battle ends absolutely nothing that took place matters the harpooning the undertrain yo-yoing none of it she's just gonna gas them with a pool ball that could have been deployed at any time because they had to give her something to do besides looking sexy and playing dumb oh wait this is still both what have you done with Rita now it just feels like the movie doesn't believe I'm gonna sin every time Artemis is distracted by his own boner challenge accepted no doubt will endowed black and more like yourself it must seem absolutely impossible that a freak like me could fully enjoy a pleasure of a Woman movie feels like it's threatening to abandon the plot altogether and just have the main characters engage in a literal dick measuring contest but haven't witnessed my use of mechanologist thus far wouldn't you think that I could advise something for the lower half of my body that was hard pumping and in the Frederick of this feeling guys this movie came out in theaters like a bunch of them also this device that is shown is not the device Loveless is referring to this is a completely different device that is in no way sexual and purpose that someone on the production team felt needed to look like a penis and no one was like shoots metal discs that decapitate people it doesn't need to look like a penis I don't have time for this why does West not believe this note when they've already seen a decapitated head with the same device wrapped around its neck more importantly why has Loveless set up this nonsensical Contraption like some kind of discount Bond villain instead of just killing them on the spot and now we have to run can you run 50 miles an hour because we've established this is the speed of these things do you know what the fastest land animal is it's this movie's editor because cutting this scene to bits to try and make it look like they could actually be staying ahead of these things makes him a cheetah see me contains powerful magnets this Magnets How do they works at what point in running through this cornfield was he actually able to see and identify the Gully that scene was so cartoonish you might as well have defeated the saws by having a local coyote quickly order you a bottle of Acme mag that saw repellent two flying metal discs that contain no known explosives for some reason create a big Fireball when colliding in midair so this high-tech invention reverses the polarity of the magnet when it gets hit with a rock not only does that seem impossible it means the only thing they truly needed to defeat the spinning blades of magnetic death was to run into a wall kind of hard Gordon when you're telling the story to your grandkids you make sure that you leave this part out the part where you go full gay Panic leave that part out that would have been smart that's a desert wasp one of the world's greatest Hunters she'll kill the tarantula lay her eggs inside so our babies will have some food when they hatch technically it's called a tarantula hawk or Pepsis wasp which despite both killing its prey from the inside out is not pronounced the same as Pepsi we have the element surprise not if you keep talking this loudly right in front of a train people could still be on you idiot this Mega Mecca spider is bullsh mechanically anatomically and physically did they just leave the train unattended without stripping it for parts or ammunition or anything and not only that after the harpooning did they repair it too [Applause] this rail fails on for some time Jim West gets shot Point Blank and then Falls approximately 100 feet in land Square on his back and a bulletproof vest made a [ __ ] mithril isn't enough to keep me from saying he survives this Wes pulls this bullet out of the inside of his vest meaning it pierced the armor but stop anyway how did Spain not Lobby hard enough to get Georgia in this deal now they have to travel through the Panhandle to get to Northern Spain America that you never want to have to travel through the Panhandle now I'm confused did they come back from spider napping the president just to ransack this train again it looked perfectly fine when they left it they have Gordon and they think West is dead why would they come back here I'm hey you sex how the [ __ ] did he adjust that costume to fit him perfectly get in here without being stopped and start this [ __ ] nonsense at the exact moment Gordon was about to get [ __ ] shot like what the actual [ __ ] um enough being prepared with a racially stereotyped naming convention for a situation is random and absurd as this if Gordon invented a flamethrower that can be contained in a I'm gonna go with D cup he's not just a great inventor he's either cracked the poly Exclusion Principle or made some sort of deal with Lucifer himself after this we'll be fine don't worry Rita the script hasn't really cared about you is anything other than a sexual foil so far I doubtful they were worried about you now aren't all these soldiers Loveless as men or at least on the side of someone in League with Loveless so why aren't they doing anything to subdue Jim and Artemis right now is the movie suggesting this gangly multi-ton spider bot climbed up and over this rock face because Marshall Coleman well I didn't see that twist coming and it doesn't matter because other than these bombs which seem like something Artemis could have also cooked up on his own it will have no bearing on the story whatsoever airplane dips out of sight as if it might have crashed only to zoom over the camera safely cliche so what kind of thing name you got picked out for this thing I was thinking something simple air Gordon a surrender or I will decimate this town you'll destroy one tenth of it I think we can live with that yes our Heroes Have Arrived directly after all the buildings have been destroyed and the people have been murdered hooray dropping bombs onto the vehicle the president you're trying to save is in so are these guys just down here at all times ready to fight and kill whoever is sent their way or do they also work on the machines down here does this mean you have to train them to both be mechanics and assassins and if that's the case do you find assassins and train them to be mechanics or is it easier to find mechanics and train them to be assassins somebody get the Armageddon team on the phone they'll know how to handle this that's it no more Mr Knife Guy those are clearly swords your punt is invalid and you are rewarded the sin the end of this shovel is nowhere near this guy's head when this blow is supposed to be struck but he flies backwards anyway because The Show Must Go On I believe that Loveless would give this man metal testicles and that's the problem I watched the stupid Frankenstein's monster wannabe's death scene about six times now and I still can't figure out what happens does he eventually just short circuit from the many hits to the Head does the wrench have anything to do with it is there an electrical current I'm missing this is either anticlimactic or confusing and I'm currently leaning towards anticlimactic confusing saving your Darth Maul Walker apparatus for a big movie Reveal instead of using it every other time it could have been helpful to you Artemis spends a lot of time not paying attention to Loveless Associates who he's just disarmed but they politely wait for Jim to say the chivalry is about to be tested before attacking him this will set off a series of impossible [ __ ] events that lead to an impossible [ __ ] final confrontation that will resolve with another series of impossible [ __ ] events it's like trying to answer the question what if Rube Goldberg had a 41 IQ could just be done already this guy that he is hanging from is the same one he tossed out the door with the train earlier and the end of the train was attached to nothing at the time and the last time I checked gravity was undefeated in these types of situations I'm creating a new agency whose sole purpose is the protection of the the president this disregards when and why the Secret Service was actually created which was in 1865 to deal with the problem of counterfeit currency this rock formation gives the movie the finger on the way out and never have I agreed with a geological formation more Will Smith is doing his patented 90th closing credits rap and by this point we've tired of it I'll give it this though still slaps spiders activate allow me to introduce myself my name is Gammy what's your name Missy Dora my mother's name was Dora why did you say that died you thought of sadistic bastard you for China look at me and understand you don't negotiate with a tiger you you admire a tiger turns on you true where is he going I know that I'll tell you if you take me along you'll tell me or I'll leave you here what the [ __ ] should I that is your job mother [ __ ] Gordon what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck that's what you're here for you're the master of this mechanical stuff damn it Jim a doctor not a mechanic Will Smith just smacked the [ __ ] out of me you know what the difference is between you and me I make this look good don't let the Earth frighten you my little Dove I lost it a chicken manga are you angry or excited right now I can't tell why did it take you so long to figure it out Captain Simon no you're gonna be my little doggie and when I say speak You're gonna tell me everything I want to know understood who let the dogs out there's Cornish Raw

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 675,452

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, wild wild west will smith, will smith, slap, western, western parody, parody, western movie, western film, kevin kline, sci fi, science fiction, action movie, action film, action adventure, 90s movie, 90s film, film reaction, movie reaction

Id: 27ihyRhv7Vc

Length: 25min 44sec (1544 seconds)

Published: Thu May 19 2022