Everything Wrong With Jeepers Creepers in 20 Minutes or Less

[Music] it takes 45 seconds of logos to point out the two studios to blame for this movie hey bob what's the cheapest and easiest way to start a horror movie well frank what if you used a plain black screen and then just put some ominous soundscape behind it while showing generic titles well people think that's a bit wasteful of their time you said cheapest and easiest frank don't doubt me i'm the expert at being cheap and easy yeah you are you frank despite what tarantino would like you to believe riding in a metal death machine with your bare feet on the dash is a very bad idea work in an emergency room for six months and i guarantee you'll never do it again that's a six not a g you idiot that's sexy forever that's mine that's five to two these two are playing a vanity plate game where the winner is the one who guesses what the vanity plate says first which is a dumb game for multiple reasons first it depends on seeing actual vanity plates which aren't exactly everywhere especially on a trip like this second it feels like nearly every plate would be a tie how hard is it to figure out what the plate 2 i n p i n k is saying i think they'd both be able to put their finger on that one immediately and finally there's no way to confirm the correct answer sure sexy forever seems like the right answer to 6 a 4 e vr but what if it's just someone who likes to use their pixel 6a for electronic video recording you don't know just saying if you broke it off with him you should at least figure out what you're going to tell me movie thinks i need some never to be mentioned again relationship drama in order to invest in one of the protagonists scene does not contain a serpent-headed demon also i know the movie is making a point about the religiosity of the area and yes you're going to find plenty of religious fares scanning the terrestrial dial but in 2001 you're also going to find a gas station or two some public radio and at least one channel where some local guys facilitating the selling and trading of stuff between callers who don't yet realize ebay has been a thing for several years already why are you turning to the inside of the vehicle and beckoning him with your left hand everyone knows the proper signal for go around is left hand out the window and moving your arm up and forward number of fingers extended on the hand is optional but the arm movement is codified road etiquette be a tennessee guy i don't get it also otherworldly non-human serial killer just so happens to have a dumb ass license plate to fit in with the protagonist's dumbass game as if he marched his merman face into the dmv one day and kindly asked for it in britain oh sure now you know how to signal out your window [Music] oh my god we get it your siblings oh you are a class act you know that she's judging him for bringing laundry home to do that's like college behavior 101. next thing you know you'll be judging him for peeing in the sink because the dorm floor bathroom is too far away repeat ass and butt you lose these two play the absolute worst travel games from the moment tusk spots the body dump they take 30 full seconds to pass that house slowly enough to see him unload and dump two bodies 30 seconds they would have had to slow down to a crawl to take 30 seconds to pass that house but from the looks of it they're still going close to full speed my point is they should have barely seen anything this movie should be over and i'm angry it's not wrapped in a sheet wrapped and roped in a sheet wrapped and roped in a sheet with red stains on it okay which one of you picked the dr seuss dub of jeepers creepers and now they've been chatting for another minute at full speed and she can still look back and be this close are they driving on a treadmill the point of having a portable phone idiot is that it works when you need it not in cheesy horror movies trish in cheesy horror movies the point of having a phone is that it doesn't work when you need it also portable phone god dammit what did i say my car oh you dary i'll bet my left foot you weren't insisting on taking your car because it would better serve you in the invent of being chased by a supernatural eyeball stealing murder bird movie is dueling so hard right now and that's not a bad thing it's a compliment but sadly the rest of the movie never beats or even matches the tension we see here so i'm just left wondering why i'm not watching duel but that was your problem you spotted him dumping two bodies you know his exact problem what the hell kind of question is this look me in the eye and tell me you can just drive away if she can't i will you can definitely drive away and call the authorities nobody investigates like this instead of calling the cops okay maybe not nobody but nobody that evolution is fighting to keep in the gene pool at least you just want to go back there and see if there's something nasty at the end of that pipe disparaging your proctologist once upon a midnight dreary while i sin this weak and weary seriously i'm not done with this i genuinely can't believe they are back here in some movies you can give the characters a bit of grace because maybe it was creepy but they haven't seen anything definitive here not only did they see two bodies dumped at a tube but the person who did the dumping chased them down and ran them off the road how am i supposed to care about anything that happens to either of these two now and my first thought would be what did you expect you morons what's with all the birds the director has a hitchcock fetish probably why create your own tension when you can borrow it from other movies i'm just gonna look thing i said when my college girlfriend wasn't in the mood somehow makes it into the script just do this and do it fast think she said back also somehow makes it into the script you know the part in scary movies where somebody does something really stupid and everybody hates them for it oh yeah i'm well aware i also know the part in post-modern scary movies where another character points it out like they're all clever and self-referential as if any of this makes it any better and as if there aren't already three screen movies out by this point although trish does of course have a point what was the plan here drive your noisy ass car right up to the murder house with no clue as to whether any accomplices are hiding within stick your head down the tube of unknown horrors and listen out for survivors only to leave again and get the police what was he expecting to happen here if anyone is alive dumb and dumber here don't have any rope or gear to rescue them and they have no idea when discount freddy krueger is going to be back let me get a little way in okay now you're just testing me here's the thing after two jokes in one script the editors are instructed to cut me off the second i even start to mention my cop darry will now see some rats yell to his sister that they are rats and kick his legs that are nowhere near the rats so hard that she will drop him down the death canal human nature would be to not only escape the rats but to escape the tube and the rats right also that is a long tunnel and he has a flashlight how is he just now seeing the rats thank you so much by the way thank you for this you again dary seriously is he being ironic literally every choice that put him here was his every single one darry now sees the rap body and is probably questioning his life choices about now as he should but what he really should be thinking is if the guy dumped two dead bodies straight down this tube and then immediately came after them how did this body get all the way over here and where is the other body this poor chap survived his organ removal just long enough to pull off this jump scare mumble something incoherent and provide just enough exposition for the characters to refer back to later what a guy also this is apparently a struggle to get air but it's been at least 20 minutes that you've been in this thing so if this material ain't breathable you've done suffocated already you see that old truck coming you get back to this pipe you holler down as loud as you can you the third derry he's just asked his sister to run back to the place that the creeper will no doubt also be headed toward as soon as she sees it to accomplish what exactly darey's plan is to not even be at the tunnel when she returns so how is she even going to give him the information assuming she isn't brutally murdered first darry slowly moves his flashlight over the body's body's bodies and then slowly explores the rest of the room caution is fine but why do characters in horror movies in life-threatening situations move like molasses instead of moving their asses cadavers this trish looks the wrong way nonchalantly as if she's slightly bored and annoyed instead of terrified goes on for all the amounts of false tension time one mississippi two mississippi three mississippi four mississippi five mississippi six mississippi she made six goddamn mississippis before getting back into the goddamn car even if this isn't the truck it's clearly close enough to warrant action on two mississippi at the latest tricia immediately forgets how to drive her own car because suspense also it is some super movie that this road apparently nobody drives on just happens to have this other truck drive by that looks suspiciously like the creeper truck no one no one not a single individual in the history of automobiles has ever approached a car like this ever also dairy is moving fast enough to create this jump scare but then goes completely comatose afterwards it's almost as if his reaction to the trauma is based on what the plot needs this welcome you have entered pert willis sign reminds me can we all just stop with the random place i am in you posts on social media we get it you travel and like to make double entenders kevin it's going back come on come on yes let's hurry now that we've seen him which changes absolutely nothing about our personal situation or already time-sensitive nature of getting the authorities involved i i need you to please call the police the police we need help now please you don't want to throw in anything about being run off the road or the countless dead bodies i mean honestly you didn't even tell her if you're talking about the law enforcement or sting's old band you and darry i saw you with lots of cats vague medium has some oddly specific knowledge about the future but communicates it so badly that it will neither be heated nor acted upon by the protagonist cliche i think i prefer news position rolls off the tongue a little easier you found its house of pain makes sense because this movie jumps around it jumps around it jump cuts jump scares and left round i just know it's not going to stop coming after you we will later learn that gisele's vision specifically showed derry being trapped at the police station and right now would have been an ideal time to communicate that instead of the cat bullsh and the other vague assorted warning she chooses to share something so terrible you couldn't dream of it not in your worst most terrible nightmare movie underestimates my ability to nightmare while barry's fate is terrible it's not watching pete's dragon with my eyelids removed and all the lines have been replaced with baby shark doo doo doo and few movie for making me share that with the world storing your donuts in a cake tray you think i want your chocolate icing all over my glaze do you do you he saw him throw a body down a pipe am i losing my mind they saw two bodies right i'm gonna have to rewind yes one here and one here why does he keep saying a body be specific gary no one's saying you're lying there is good because i'm not lying look at this from my point of view okay this is a pretty big story you're laying on us here i hate how these movies always find a way for the cops to not be interested in what the protagonists have to say if it's a big city the cops are too busy to take them seriously if it's the military it's too quiet for their story to be believable why does anyone think we'd rather watch this argument than peep some more creeper creeping also instead of always assuming this is why not start by asking why would dary bother lying about it what's in it for him it's to be found out immediately and charged with wasting police time how often are kids pranking cops about serial killers for this to be their default response dear evil dead god and samurai heaven what is the sudden shift after 40 minutes to these blast zooms can this movie just pick a style and stay with it please he was standing there at your car sniffing that laundry holding big handfuls of it under his nose we got it at sniffing the laundry flow save it for the oscar reel this cop radios back to the police station asking for a response and then ignores the multiple requests for an update that take place over the next minute at what point does the person at the police station start thinking something serious is going on and start sending backup isn't a full minute of radio silence from an officer in the field kind of a big deal horror movie police make the actual police look competent he'd have to be super human otherwise the smell would have killed him oh you your brother has either lost his mind or saw a human jigsaw puzzle in a cave ceiling but there's always time for some stinky laundry humor hold on central the sky is falling sky is falling this is how you communicate to central dispatch you heard a noise on your freaking roof say that say i heard a noise on my freaking roof just remember in order for us to have this moment both officers sees a person on the car and our killer have to wait around three seconds before doing anything other than letting us feel the weight of the moment neither of them would be motivated to take this time the shock of trish seeing a severed head and a stranger in the driver's seat of the police car lasts exactly the length of the run back to their car before it somehow turns to hmm let's stick around and watch you never know what interesting things might happen get the out of there spyro there's no need for you to hang around another minute as werzel gummage tonks a disembodied head misunderstanding the phrase getting head there's a phone there's also a phone at the gas station you stopped at earlier and a whole bunch of people who are already aware of the situation why not head back that way if you're still not getting the hell out of dodge for some reason how fast the next town you mean the next phone cause it's pretty goddamn fart the movie spends so much time on these two arguing back and forth that they've actually ended up taking opposite sides of the same argument they had earlier hey bum police i'm being chased by a guy who likes to pull tongues on his severed heads with his teeth special extension for that yes i imagine the homicide extension will cover it and i bet they're even more motivated when you're reporting the death of a cop why is derry against the phoning for help plan what do you want a telephone i don't have one this conversation will go on another two minutes anyway how many babies do you have more than a couple owning a lot of cats somehow makes you a crazy person cliche and yes i may well be biased on that one bite me but when you're done biting me be prepared for my cats to well sit there and watch it happen but they care in their own way considering this is an individual with an indefinite amount of time to feed it sure spends a fierce amount of it standing around and taunting its food that's my scarecrow i know after amanda and lee got married in season four it was just kind of never the same i may have misunderstood these two have to be the most insanely curious humans to ever walk the planet time after time they just stand around to find out what might happen next when they should be running for their lives even the cats were smart enough to not stick around and see what happened and dying from curiosity is their whole thing looks like the plot seems to be stuck in the same how much tension can we squeeze out of one gearbox loop so i guess it was only stuck in reverse briefly for plot reasons [Music] there's enough nonsense on this missing person's board to spend a full hour on but i didn't come into jeepers creepers expecting to spend so much time being all oh no the bolos and poho are so so so let's quickly run through a few highlights dusty beaver is not a real city in utah eagle has always been a boy who takes candy from strangers 1 800 jill's one up is it amber or stan bolo is missing its last abbreviation dot big dom scoliosis hans von joy pipe thrifty sam the salsa man is it oy via or eagle tim is 99 years old dusty beaver is not a real hair color a butcher a baker and a candlestick maker an oblong shaped birthmark in the shape of a large okra lightly seasoned and fried to perfection be sure to bring cookies the cardinals leave them alone but i shall turn my back walk away and in no way enforce this decree because i've got this ringing phone and some donuts to exert my influence over instead you found all those bodies down in that cellar they did a long time ago so why are you just now catching up with them especially when we know you've been following the progress uh since at least the gas station i dream a lot of things bragging about your dream output every 23rd spring for 23 days it gets to eat if manic transfixie dream girl knows all this why couldn't she plan ways to at least validate it or prove what's going on camcorders do exist during this time also this movie for setting up its own legacy sequel in 2022 it eats lungs so we can breathe in eyes so we can see that doesn't really explain why it has to keep the bodies and house of wax them doesn't all the bodies we saw had been operated on already so it's not even like it was keeping them for the off years whatever it eats becomes a part of it this whole thing is like someone took a decent episode of the x-files and stretched it out into a terrible movie so yay it dresses like a man but only to hide that it's not well it's doing a piss-poor job of that now isn't it it doesn't give a about exposing itself and why would it it's invincible it needs to scare you there's something in fear something it can smell geez this psychic is like a one-woman expositional wrecking ball the movie is all shrouded in mystery for about an hour and then it's like well that was fun let's have a psychic show up and just lay it all out so we can wrap this up in the next 15 minutes telling us this thing is out driving down the highway trying to freak people out so it can smell that book movie if your characters are struggling to buy your dumb ass premise maybe you should have gone with a different premise if we got emergency lights or what yes and they are apparently trained in the art of dramatic timing [Music] we watched it you 100 categorically indubitably did not am i watching a different movie we will find out very shortly that the devouring demon has bent open iron bars and been feasting on an inmate down the hall about 15 feet away and my question is did nobody scream for hell or even out of fear how is everyone up until the final cells still just chilling peacefully when a fellow detainee is being digested just down the block and two of them are watching it happen you are not making one goddamn bit of sense thing i said out loud to google in my search results said there are three sequels to this movie somehow makes it into the script fine whatever have your jump scare but how the hell did it get up there the other officers just radioed that they saw it go up the stairwell so we should have at least seen a blur or something a creature i don't care about is now in a battle with a police force i don't care about so my give a meter needle is flatlining so hard it could be portrayed by kieffer sutherland it's not like watching a movie honey there are parts missing sometimes so it's exactly like watching a movie then we have to get out of here now there's no other way except the front this police station only has two exits two okay the construction company likely wasn't building in contingencies for human eating demon scarecrow attack but what about a fire i thought if you knew what i saw maybe you could change it why the hell do you think i'm here couldn't you lead with that giselle instead she acts like every other psychic in these movies and shares just enough information to seem prescient but not enough to change a goddamn thing i think we're wrong you don't understand and explain it to them god damn half this movie is characters choosing to drip feed the smallest droplets of facts at their disposal and then getting mad when they aren't believed if i wanted that i'd have just spent the last hour screaming into the twitter void sure it's on brand but is climbing on the wall really saving any time [Music] behold she is spared likely because the creeper knows a psychic can do more damage to society over their lifetime than it'll ever achieve in the span of 23 days the rejected pitch for a buffy the vampire slayer villain decides to waste time by kool-aid manning its way through an entirely different door instead of through the two-way glass where it literally just saw them 28 full seconds of interpersonal sniffing several of these cops decide to lift up their transparent face guards to get a better view of the devil thing that for all they know could spit acid puncture eyeballs or do basically anything i'd want to protect my face from being exposed to stand down men let it through i'm sure she'll do just fine against the rabbit flappy man with her complete lack of weaponry or protection take me damn it no kill the bastard see what happens when you shoot him in the head with one of those high-powered rifles then if that doesn't work you can start on the self-sacrifice bullsh you don't want dairy i'm not sure how they captured the exact footage of me trying to convince my lactose intolerant friend they shouldn't eat any of my frozen custard but it's a bit disconcerting by the way i didn't give any away i made a solemn move to never desert them i have everything the same inside you take me unless there's an element of trish's background that has been completely left out of the script that is demonstrably not true look if you want to stop this guy just track down the optometrist that's supplying these funky contact lenses to him these effects are terrible wizard of oz did it better than this over 80 years ago i guess it's business as usual at the poho county police department the next day i know we had some wild stuff last night guys that we lost charlie and such but get out there and arrest those jaywalkers what'd you really say i'm just a crazy old woman but giselle doesn't believe that and neither does the movie which has shown at least some of her predictions to be true what's up with the sudden reluctance to help there still might be something in her visions that can help find dairy but instead trish is just gonna walk the off and enjoy life with the abusive polished eye track team guy over candling your demonic workbench movie does not contain philip seymour hoffman in this moment asking the creature how's the peeping [Music] do [Music] do [Music] my eyes the goggles do nothing because if a machine a terminator can learn the value of human life maybe we can too [Music] [Applause] i learned it from you i learned it by watching you what if it was you back there well if you were me then i'd be you and i'd use your body to get to the top you can't stop me no matter who you are hello anybody down there i'm still alive but i'm very badly injured i think my legs might be broken but i'll try to stand up [Applause] yes they are broken perhaps you could toss me a band-aid or some anti-bacterial cream i'm in an extraordinary large amount of pain [Music] they try to tell me how many cats people can have i'll have as many cats as i want that must be the creeper whatever you do do not let them

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,015,983

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, horror film, horror movie, parody, horror movie reaction, jeepers creepers reaction, justin long

Id: IcTvpEEQ1Rs

Length: 23min 21sec (1401 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 13 2022