Everything Wrong With Elf In Many Merry Minutes

oh hello we're probably here about the story how I send this opening narration while still retaining my undying love and respect for Bob Newhart huh turns out it was easier than I thought is it probably a lot of things you didn't know about elves sure it's also a lot I don't know about Martians centaurs dragons and other mythical things like a happy marriage or a well paid American worker also without breaking down the actual specific objects in this shot which would be worth doing I'd like to talk about why everything is painted or sanded or coded to be the same pinkish off-white it's cold the North Pole sure but does the interior design need to reflect the lack of heat so literally they tried using gnomes and trolls but the gnomes drank too much and the trolls weren't toilet trained hey we're offending every magical species here less than two minutes in who's next minotaurs you bastards are too angry mermaids you ladies have too much Grippit unicorn see you [ __ ] or too damn morning no human being has ever said set foot in Santa's workshop that is until about 30 years ago and as you may have guessed that's where our story begins story begins after two minutes of movie that was apparently not story nonsense no way the dude from swingers very bad things and PC you could ever competently direct a feature film let alone one for a major studio have a home listen none lady if wishes and buts were candy and nuts we'd all see a statue of Jesus crying hard work it's time to start preparations for next Christmas hooray for no time off these elves need to unionize body why would the elf think his name was buddy and not little her diapers and why would he assume his tag as a name at all this is like lorraine just assuming Marty's name was Calvin Klein and back to the future but he stayed with an older elf who had always wanted a child but had been so committed to building toys he he well had forgotten to to settle down this turn in the story opens up a huge can of elf sex worms that I can't wait to dive into today if so do they procreate like humans when elves get married among themselves in this village to santa institute prima nocta on the wedding night the director said let's have this entire class of elves place apples on their desks even though the rest of their lunches are in sacks to the side of their chair so it'll make them look like tiny adorable [ __ ] also here's buddy in class with his peers and he's five times bigger than any of them the movie is gonna suggest none of these kids bullied him about his size and he didn't find out about it's not being an elf until he graduated and went to this toy factory and this movie sits on the throne of lies that's why I came up with this little beauty in the 60s Oh pop is about to hit the nos button isn't he I always knew that old elf lived his life a quarter mile at a time there were a few drawbacks to being uh a human in uh an elf's world yeah but what about Santa he's full size right even bigger than full-size what about mrs. Claus I know buddy's an unusual occurrence but they're acting like they've never even met cotton-headed ninny-muggins that's racist you you lying piece of no smoke detector has ever used triple-a batteries smoke detectors are the entire reason the 9-volt battery industry exists at all he hasn't figured out he's a human by now I don't think he ever will this just cannot be the first time the other elves have talked about him like this over the first time he's heard the camp elves play basketball Leon says New York is pretty different don't pay attention he's never been anywhere you don't have any feet bull Kringle Leon just said he traveled the world and I was a young cumulus Nimbus cloud and this is something Santa would definitely know about a resident of this magical community if you see a sign that says peep show that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at presents before Christmas Jesus Santa's describing a New York City that's from 1982 hasn't he been there in the last few decades an inconvenient elf he's so dead he didn't even bring a granola bar that is a fat raccoon like literally lives at a dumpster behind a restaurant we're gonna have chalky bastard he's huge most likely this is because he's a somewhat domesticated showbiz raccoon he probably eats like a king but still my goodness also buddy survives to fight with a raccoon with minimal to no visible damage which is laughable to anyone that's actually ever squared up against a raccoon before those things are vicious has he even slept I'm about ready to make an argument that the entirety of the rest of this movie is a fever dream he has while in a hypothermic coma back on the snowy mountaintop if buddy is a human then he's climatized to live in the North Pole while wearing minimal clothing why isn't he sweating buckets right now like the bottom half of that costume should be dressed with swamp ass it's cute that buddy laughed like he was being tickled while his shoes got shine but legit how did he pay for the service no one will power walk in New York City in these colors unless they wanted to be mistaken for Santa so you think we should ship him no I think we should take a $30,000 bath if you're so worried about money and maybe move out of the Empire State Building and find a cheaper office space you are very likely paying in the neighborhood of $30,000 per month just for rent in this [ __ ] kind of greeting for the Secretary of a ruthless New York receptionist is this this is what buddy would say in this situation not a hardened City gal that earned her stripes under the cruel to leach of janine melnitz why Gimbels the store has been on a business since 1987 at least according to the unimpeachable research from Wikipedia I'm pretty sure that was not open in 2003 so it's clear that the producers didn't want to pony up for Macy's or Nordstrom's and that cheaper tude is totally a sick I'm not saying he can't be scared of the escalator I'm just saying he wasn't even remotely scared of the elevator he even seemed to understand what it was and that it took him up to his father's floor this goes on for some time why are you smiling I just like to smile smiling's my favorite I've gone as long as I care to go without taking a sin off for Will Ferrell's performance in this movie which is goddamn delightful and deserves all the holiday love its engendered over the years Manic Pixie dream elf but he still hasn't slept since leaving the North Pole by the way and he's inhuman he's not a real elf he has no magic he slept at the North Pole and he lived there he's going to sleep like other humans later in this movie but from the time he leaves till now no sleep no food no drink no sleep he's in a coma imagining all this he's The Singing Detective only the elf version potentially problematic song notwithstanding what department store has showers in their bathrooms even if this is a common thing King why I how the hell is she fogging up the entire row of mirrors in this giant ass bathroom this is like a studio apartment bathroom level [ __ ] if you tell me you like model trains but then I find out your track is a boring ass NASCAR oval we will not be model train buddies hey yeah yeah you the one who inexplicably walked in on my inexplicable shower this morning want to engage in some small talk instead of chatting with this police officer I definitely called a couple hours ago that's pretty good this is named Wanda is this real or a cheap joke because it very much feels like the latter are you talking about Santa Claus no you're not okay how would the North Pole elves be clueless about department store Santa's and other fillings this movie wants him to ultimately be the Christmas expert but he's dumb as rocks about most of it buddy in jail is right for comedy but instead nope wasted it as just a mechanism to get father and son together again honey don't eat those the buddies into sugar right these are goddamn cotton balls and well they may look delicious they have to taste like a hobos [ __ ] surprisingly clean but extremely drawn it's a boy he's your son holy what kind of magical pediatricians office is this in 2019 it takes at least one to two days to determine paternity by DNA sample Johnny fast can run that in seconds flat he cannot stay here he has some serious issues we can't just throw him out us no I like her intentions but she has a young son that she should want to not get murdered and motherly instincts like that would far outweigh he taking my husband's strange adult love child instincts then what was that bullet in the front window of Gimbels sure buddy laid out a sugary terrible breakfast spread but still this family had four different chocolate sauces on hand so their sugar problems were run deeper than just bunny okay you remember that crazy scene at the beginning of pee-wee's big adventure where he played around all morning and made breakfast using elaborate inventions that was charming right well it was one see this is an entire movie attack and it tends to get annoyingly cloying around the 50 minute mark this guy is angry because his niece couldn't finish the book because James Caan is a cheap bastard that wanted to save 30 grand by not reprinted the book but he made that decision like 36 hours ago he made it right before buddy showed up but he got kicked out went to Gimbels which closed almost immediately he spent the night there but then the next day dad he picked him up from jail and took him home they slept now we're here that's overnight shipping for books and granted this guy is his boss so maybe the boss gets a copy for his niece of all the new book but if that's the case then doofus Walter here should have known this was gonna happen now buddy has tracked down his new younger brother at his school this is the same buddy that was afraid of the radiator movie wants to have his cake and smash it in your face for a cheap laugh - ah central part where you've always got to be on the lookout for a random snowball fight with strangers I've been to Central Park and granted it was in the summer but I didn't see a single spontaneous snowball fight the guys have the entirety of Manhattan to fool around but choose Gimbels for the shenanigans because I guess this movie had a hard cap on the location budget feel really warm when I am around you and my tongue swells up so do you want to go eat food this works also I'm aware of how adorable buddy's supposed to be but since Joe V's met him he's harassed her about singing in public unapologetically walked in on her while she was in the shower assaulted an innocent man dressed as Santa then was incarcerated why in the name of Rudolph's ball sack would she agree to go on a date with him the whole set he asks this about an obvious ginormous Christmas tree instead of how the did you to hold that thing up here or even fit it on the elevator whoa whoa whoa buddy it's clearly not the same science anything is this dad Walter so where did they find a suit and tie getup for buddy this movie has no regard for the true passage of time yeah you have such a pretty face you should be on a Christmas card ah nothing like a little light sexual harassment to put a little pep in your step you don't have to drink that thank you but you do need to use a coaster man chefs gonna have a permanent ring in like 30 seconds I bought the desk my name's there so no one steals it that's a joke isn't it dad dad jokes here's a fun gag where buddy answers the phone in hilarious fashion but the movie forgets this guy as a secretary who takes his incoming calls and buzzes him about them if they ring directly into his office it's probably friends or family who wouldn't hang up after buddies weird hello hello Luby uses allowed dial tone to help viewers understand the other party hung up even though that's not how phones work anymore cliche thing my college girlfriend said after I loved how did buddy choke down enough hard liquor to get this wasted could barely take a sip of regular ass coffee I'm 26 years old then an all drink whiskey though only two of them that we know of how did things go from two guys slacking off to literally everyone having a dance party this movie once you're laugh so hard it keeps jumping over basic common sense yet another red flag from this stranger you're following down the street at night is in their mind reeling with the terrible possibilities of this date because mine certainly is it's the skating rink at Rockefeller Center ever this empty isn't usually so over stuff with people that it's more like walking on skates than skating buddies never even touched a girl before so he definitely will be knocking over innocent skaters for the next hour or so with his massive elf boner like he's Ron Burgundy and pleated pants hey Jack weed I get more action in a week than you've had your entire life Jack weed I'm aware of jackass and Jack hole as insults I've heard of dill weed and even stinkweed is put-downs but Jack we Jack we call me elf one more time miles is a bastard for sure but this is also blatant harassment and not one person in this meeting is doing anything to clear buddy out of this room granted miles probably believes he was humiliated by an employee of this publishing company but he's still leaving with the cash without doing the job he was given the cash for I don't care that you're enough and right on cue we have a rope protagonists fight before the final act of the movie cliche buddy knows how to write so him writing notes with the etch-a-sketch is an offensive bit of product placement that overstates it's welcome I get that buddy is sad because of Walter's outburst but doesn't he still have this amazing connection with the new girl why doesn't he had straight the hell over there also I know the movie wants to have someone bump into buddy to make him feel even more unvalued but just hire a few more extras to at least make the sidewalk look a little bit full picture this and it required me coming all the way down to the office rather than calling you on the phone so that I could properly ruin this important meeting at the single most inopportune moment I didn't even tell him about this Jets fans there you go just walk on foot around New York City yelling out his name you're sure to find him that way I don't belong anymore Sammy sent a sex machina seriously what are the odds Santa's sleigh would malfunction literally in sight of the prodigal elf who also has some experience with the slang like four nine thousand to one right oh cool he managed to land in Central Park which means at any moment the bird lady from home alone two is gonna pop out and lend a hand the clausometer suddenly just dropped down to zero there's just no Christmas and maybe you should just quit nobody wants you around why stay for tradition sake buddy you're more of an elf than anyone I ever met that doesn't make sense you fix it for me buddy weird I also had an old bearded dude that was wearing a red tracksuit approached me late at night in the park and asked me the exact same thing she said earlier they shut off her water which suggests she's scraping by money-wise but here she's got lamps and overhead lights and star lamp bets all over the place my point is that her wastefulness of electricity almost certainly cost her her water service also that looks like noodles and all types of noodles need water to be cooked so she apparently paid the past due water bill and the cutoff fine and is still wasting all this lamp electricity I mean maybe a little chemically imbalanced but you've been right about a lot of things um like what he likes Christmas and sweets and cute women like I've said all along but he's adorable but it's not like he's actively teaching any life lessons in this movie if anything it was Michael that convinced Walter to turn things around give some credit to his ass these forces are highly trained but rarely see action kind of like my sperm honestly though if one kids fleeting Christmas might be real vibe can do this how many true believers do you really need to be able to fly this thing like a thousand how are there not enough Christmas believers out there to power this select not see don't make a religion joke and piss off billions of people don't make a religion joke to piss off billions people don't make a really [Music] there's only four of them though why doesn't buddy just whip up a thousand snowballs and beat them all back with this machine gun arm huh Jesus Christ Emily's just casually unpacking boxes and doesn't realize their entire family is missing on Christmas Eve sure she knew Walter was working late but what about Michael and buddy didn't she see the goodbye note left on the etch-a-sketch god damn it this fantastical story about a humanoid elf saving Christmas makes no practical sense for some life Merry Christmas ha ha ha let us laugh and revel in our family mirth despite the fact that Santa is under attack by the park Gestapo and that our newly acquired manchild is still involved in the melee ha ha ha we have fun sure like you could get an entire New York City crowd to join in I mean there's no way they're sorry what the by throat let me get some water so I have a bit of a sucker for mummy moments like this but I told myself I wouldn't tear up someone remove a sin before I start bawling uncontrollably literally everyone that has ever worked with buddy in the last three days is watching this live broadcast for maximum maximum something Salta Mele Walter is going to sing for real and then the sleigh will have enough Christmas spirit to fly because that one crank ass in New York City finally grew a feel also Santa just said that you can't see him to believe in him so by that logic the magical juice maker should immediately shut down right now right but Michael still has the list if Santa hasn't committed to memory why did he write it down in the first place this isn't even funny because it's so obviously fake and also because the Lord of the Rings movies took force perspective seriously whereas this movie kind of gives it the finger in favor of people laughs you might want to try this I mean for me that um Brennan really likes with his chicken nuggets it's my fancy sauce well when Brennan finishes I'll give you some of this and it's it's ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together so good what do you think this is the army where you shoot him a mile away you're gonna get a post like this but a bang your bloody brains all over your nice Cyber League soon we get some meatloaf well why don't we just pull him out of school and let the UH deranged elf man raise him I'm making people happy I'm the magical man from happy land it's hard to believe what's happening the brutality of it hey I really think you should read that book strings by Jeremy Scott he does the narration on that summer sense channel it's about superheroes I don't know if you can find it here in Tokyo but when you get back to the States maybe you should look it up that's really good last night Darth Vader came down from the planet Vulcan and told me if I didn't read that strings book by Jeremy Scott he bailed my brain from the Cocteau's plan I'm the enemy cuz I like to think I like to read I like to read stories about superheroes heroes with obstacles that they have to overcome together as friends I like friends I like friendships and hardships and all kind of ships that I extremes all kinds of strings I like thread I like rope I like shoe strings they're gonna need a bigger bookshelf I just read strings show me Nia's explaining the plot of strength to Morpheus did you know when you into space he didn't order strings for me before you left what gives you the right what's the difference between you and me I already read strange by Jeremy Scott there was a girl in Paris with the face of a book named strings but if I can't find her she's standing right next to you hey if you read my book I'll kill your wife remember remember the 24th of September when Jeremy's book strings comes out I know of no reason that wouldn't be treason that you should go without are you like a crazy person I'm quite sure they will say so I want the king book right King now we tools to read the Able's in this decade and do the other strings not because it is easy but because it is hard

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,043,903

Keywords: eww elf, movie, will ferrell, zooey deschanel elf, buddy the elf, elf the movie, cinema sins, elf review, buddy, mistakes, review, elf christmas movie, cinemasins, zooey deschanel, movie review, cinamesins elf, everything wrong with, elf christmas, christmas movies, christmas, wave jockey job, everything wrong with elf, elf reaction, will ferrell elf, elf, eww

Id: Y5lhuVFr5bw

Length: 19min 13sec (1153 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 07 2019