Everything Wrong With Underworld: Evolution

[Music] reading scrolling reading at that movie wants to be lazy but expects you to work what kind of lives were these [ __ ] living to be separately bitten by a battle wolf and then become leaders of two different races movie consulted James Cameron before choosing its fonts also in case you confused it with 1202 BC which we totally would have done oh my god discount Thor and Loki oh dear here comes action which in the underworld realm means I'm not gonna understand anything due to rapid editing murky and jerky cinematography and characters that all pretty much look the same werewolves blindsiding stunt guys underworld to ancient battles you don't care about movie waste time on a werewolf transformation just so random vampire guy can cut his head off I don't think any of these people in the background are do injection and I swear - vampires are fighting each other somewhere in here let's write to the woods I wish die and fight and all that some things were defeated by the something else's is this a werewolf or is this an orc I am beginning to think it doesn't matter honestly how does the director himself you didn't understand it what's going on here it's like someone telling you a story like this and then there was a werewolf in all these chains and I think it was that guy's brother anyways some things happened I can't remember all of it but damn it was exciting he was not to be harmed how did you expect that to happen the [ __ ] is a werewolf do you have tranquilizers chloroform from you couldn't you just have given us all that information in the scrolling red text I mean if you're gonna bother with scrolling text to set the stage why do you also need a 9 minute opening action scene to set the stage that's like having your cake and beating a dead horse with it two four six centuries I was a loyal soldier of the vampire clan previously on underworld also someone said you remember in the first movie how it was hard to see a damn thing let's chop it all up and make it more out of focus I can find no lichen but a hybrid did you write the script for us or to remind yourself so far underworld evolution is slower than actual evolution my only hope now is to awaken Marcus and expose the truth the full Craven tries to murder him while he's still in hibernation honestly we're already and I don't give a [ __ ] territory what is everyone fighting for again to hold dominion over all this darkness lack of humor and nearly complete lack of sex it's like having a war over my first girlfriend movie does not come with instructions on how to date Kate Beckinsale in the vampire world she's a wanted criminal but sure they still haven't removed her thumbprint or key code for high-security areas [Music] perfect what does it matter if the lights come on or not aren't you creatures of the night haven't you been spending hundreds of years in darkness exactly like this the hell you need a flashlight for jump-scare makes me jump sad someone could have picked us up already especially since you used the thumbprint to enter I'm going to learn you can stay here at the safe house I just said we couldn't stay at for very long well at least this isn't taking forever what is the floor made of drywall or something shooting is hard first movies villain total [ __ ] okay so Celine's that they needed to prevent Craven from killing Marcus looks like that job is done will be over right someone just died so birds must scatter cliche Michael you unique has never been a hybrid before yeah why is that in 800 years not one this movie came out in 2006 do you have any idea what kind of power they'd need for all this gear not to mention that it's all apparently operating on a wireless system on a boat in the ocean or what vampires have their own satellites to boat and its swanky Jack Bauer war room oh man they track poor Tony and Emmy award-winning Derek Jacobi into this didn't they yes what I have sir is a Sony product placement opportunity disguised as a bit of exposition we need to go doesn't Marcus need to drink the blood of Celine to figure out exactly what happened in this room dude just walks in and suddenly he's the guy from the dead zone okay so how does a stupid thing work let me consult Cravens blood and matrix that bit into my brain because I'm sure he has strong memories of typing in his blood next stop drink the blood of Mavis Beacon so I can type even faster thankfully for Marcus vampires somehow have a photographic memory of the people who they bytes lives even details those people themselves would surely have forgotten or not bother to remember in the first place hey the Jeepers Creepers see this is why you don't leave like in vampire hybrids in a safe house you know we'll be tracked you learn this stuff in kindergarten meanwhile maybe Celine could only barely make it to the mansion by Dawn because she was planning on walking there Marcus took a very specific route to the safe house that flew him directly over Celine regular food will make you sick don't you remember Celine saying that or do you just not care or are you bound by a ridiculous screenplay full of [ __ ] dumbass coincidence news just happens to be on it just happens to report on Michael as he has werewolf spasms in the tavern next news story food poisoning scare at whatever this tavern is called Oh ah I see this impossible boat command centers also somehow monitoring every phone call made in the world how have they not started shooting yet I mean I know they'll have terrible aim and he's probably immune to bullets but what are they waiting for nearer helps Michael to stay a good guy and not eat this police officer this mirror is like the best friend who knows the real you is inside the monster somewhere discount Trinity no seriously just roll with it he missed trust us okay take it no Michael you'll die what the hell good is the first ever vampire Lycan hybrid if you can't take some bullets and keep moving I'm starting to think Michael is the bull mastiff of this movie's genetic experimentation they were going for brutal warrior but ended up with wussy love bunny blood drinking is sexual for vampires but not the audience cliche - bird scatters in 30 minutes of movie these [ __ ] need to form a union convenient escape truck just happens to be moseying along a country road for vampires to steal it immortal boxing also Michael a brand new wolf vampire hybrid will now hold his own against Marcus one of the two ancient vampires this series has told us is basically unstoppable okay old truck driving down a lonely road with a flying demon creature attacking the guy and girl inside character design isn't the only thing this movie stole from Jeepers Creepers flying demon immortal vampire is so shaken up by the bump that he slumps on the road forever and lets these [ __ ] get away he didn't die inconceivable wait he's a vampire that's actually pretty conceivable so why did Selene and Michael act like they did something positive why does the movie actually let them get away the Sun not only burns vampires but also the gloves they wear performance art concerned non medical exam turned sexy cliche there's was a forbidden romance I mean the kids would be one-quarter werewolf and three-quarters vampire man they're gonna have some [ __ ] up kids my god I'm taking three sins off here and not explaining why to any of the idiots in the audience this is a rated R action film about vampires but it goes all PG on the sexy scenes because well honestly because the star is married to the director in other words reasons we can't show you the sexiest bits of the scene because the director wanted to keep that for himself and for diet coke commercials yeah you better cover up you never know who's watching when you're in an abandoned warehouse in the middle of the country character suddenly recalls long dormant memories pertaining to the plot cliche andreas Tanis Selene waits until she gets stressed and they're ready to go before telling Michael who the hell she meant by someone Cobbins hire historians he was exiled over 300 years ago what makes you think we're gonna find him now I was the one who accepted exile means to ban someone from one's own home country it does not mean that person is banned from going anywhere else the second Lycan is coming to the battle late because even werewolves attacked one by one you know even if I have werewolves change downstairs I am NOT leaving an open stairway for them to access the rest of the house you know because of precautions issue I knew is usually extensive Victor's blood still lingers in your veins also I saw you on the security monitor before you walked in you don't scare me Selene on cue and consistent with the movies convenience factor Michael comes crashing through right after Selene says this also where did Michael come from how did he get from the wolf dungeon to a room with no exits and a boarded-up window we clearly saw Selene go up some nice steps earlier from basically the same place and when he crashes through it looks like there's fog from the outside coming in what the kitty Marcus was after this why you threw it to him instead of just calmly showing it to him why also why would you toss this to a bad guy good God there are always flocks of birds ready to be disturbed whenever this guy goes anywhere also what is the point of this [ __ ] scene he drank the horses blood poor horses now we really know Marcus is evil this scene serves as a post-it note to remind us Marcus is still out there he didn't return Victor was to use his army to do mortal to help him to do what I don't know Selene if you let him finish maybe he'll tell you then country William hooked him away why listen you for the very same reason that Victor never conspired against Marcus fear this discussion will proceed to go back and forth talking about Marcus and William in such a manner that it's nearly impossible to keep track of right after Selene figures out that William was protected because Victor thought killing him would wipe out the Lycan slaves Tanis says so Marcus was protected protecting Marcus has nothing to do with protecting William in this scenario but the screenplay thinks it does it's Williams prison the prison your father was commissioned to build what why were regular humans commissioned to build a prison for a werewolf why does Marcus looking for him now after all this time that I kind of own Stan but I do know someone guy they went to see for answers knows nothing except the name of the next guy they can go to for answers what is this a transformer sequel these vampire bite downloads tell Marcus everything pertinent to his quest and shows it to him in the same camera angles as the movie itself you know the devastation caused before he was captured he cannot be set free I've got a Marcus a Victor a Craven Ellucian this Alexander Corvinus guy and a [ __ ] William and they speak of all these [ __ ] dicks with the same hushed ah to the point where I literally have no [ __ ] clue what's going on Marcus who is somewhere somewhere high somehow knew that he could poke his extendo wing through the window and stab something anything and knew that Michael was wearing the pendant also after his wing fines purchase he says get well let gravity decide what happens to Michael Celine has an extremely valuable vantage point here and could easily empty her gun into Marcus now but decides to jump down and be stupid instead random [ __ ] just happens to have died on a deck near a spot where the helpless Celine can pick up a gun what an entire magazine of bullets from the automatic weapon didn't faze this [ __ ] or stop him from trying to kill Celine but now that a handgun is involved he's incapacitated and has to go fly off and lick his wounds how come vampire blood is medicine but this guy who is half-vampire needs vampire blood medicine to live doesn't he already have vampire blood in him the movie may have answered this question I will be honest but he'll if I'm going back through this piece if she began to find it I have no clue why Marcus decided to go through the other part of the ship when there are now two gaping holes leading straight to the room Alexander is in they can't get dependent yes no he didn't he lost it right here he gets shot and loses it and never recovers it also this movie has just become super confusing again apparently there aren't two keys one is a pendant that Alexander took from Victor's body the second is a smaller pendant that we saw Lucien wearing in the first movie that Michael took Tanis said there were two keys but he didn't say it needed both corpse rubbing 10 seconds of staring and mortal explodes in a ship but he's immortal so the explosions can kill immortals I'm beginning to think that word has lost its meaning MacGuffin item this MacGuffin underworld 2 book of secrets I don't know about you guys but I remember the exact directions of everywhere I went when I was 6 years old and much like Selene I remember after hundreds and hundreds of years and the original vampires were basically just Rube Goldberg fans each way oh [ __ ] you you're too late well you were too late when you left the docks right I mean Marcus flew off and you knew where he was going so this should be no surprise at all impressive cliche why are bullets so suddenly effective against this guy why hasn't this guy changed into a super-powerful Jeepers Creepers form yet why am I still watching this movie random bullsh rocks stopped the wall from closing all the way because if we made it this far we'll accept anything we have no idea what Michaels true strength and power is as the first hybrid we have no idea what Celine's new true strength and power is after sucking old dudes blood and we never really had a firm grasp on Marcus and Williams true strength and power either so this is all meaningless these could have been used earlier like always especially since you knew bullets weren't going to kill him anyway damn how many dudes did they bring on this tiny helicopter spinning propellers serve to remind us that someone's going to get chopped up Raiders of the Lost Ark style ah so that's what the old man's blood did it turned her into blade awesome how will we get back home if I know we're surrounded by water and mountains damn we're going to have to do a lot of [ __ ] to figure this one out [Music] and that was the end of the underworld series an unknown chapter lies ahead dammit all that is certain is that darkness is still ahead but for now for the first time I look into the light with a new heaven nothing is certain darkness is all I see this makes me hopeful it sounds like the screenwriter just wanted to end this thing on a positive note even if it didn't make sense from you huge thanks to our pal Matthew Santoro forgets narrating on this sins video please check out his channel where he makes awesome list videos was including today's video where he talks about the 10 most cursed movies of all time and to Matt thank you very much buddy [Music] look nobody's saying they don't appreciate we're not done right no in an order at Pepsi here's a 50 then wait for a guy named Griff right right tips gonna ask you about tonight are you in or out tell him you are out whatever he says whatever happens say no you're not interested one two three four five six seven Oswald was a [ __ ]

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,639,579

Keywords: eww, underworld: evolution, cinema sins, underworld evolution review, underworld evolution, cinemasins, everything wrong with, wave jockey job

Id: v1CZ6qZWBdU

Length: 15min 38sec (938 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 10 2014