How to STOP Obsessing Over Someone and START Letting Go (Best Relationship Advice)

it's so funny about relationships because we think we're just supposed to be naturally good at it it's kind of like money it's like no one really teaches you about finances and then you come to be an adult and you're like oh are we supposed to learn that did i miss the class on finances and so many of us are almost embarrassed to go looking for relationship advice especially for guys it's like dude you're reading a book called the five love languages man i didn't want to be caught dead reading this in a coffee shop now i'm telling you that not because i'm a relationship expert my girlfriend would definitely agree with that statement i'm telling you that because no one's born knowing how to be in a relationship with someone and spend that much time with someone hence quarantine wanting to rip their heads off right but man if you're gonna spend a lot of time with someone get in a relationship right or at least knowing this stuff that we're talking about in these kinds of videos super important and so on that point like where do we get our relationship advice from knowing that most people don't seek it out we get it from television we get it from movies and even growing up we're programmed with like this disney fairy tale of this person really obsessed with another person and then they're really obsessed back and that's what creates true love so in this video i want to dispel that myth and go really deep on it because i actually think that doing the opposite will get you better results there's three main points in this video and the first one is this anytime you are over attached to something you actually get worse results not better ones now hear me out think about this in terms of a job interview we think that if we go into a job interview we're really wanting the job needing the job we're super hungry we're gonna perform better nine times out of ten that just gets you in your own head you maybe don't act like yourself you're maybe really nervous they pick up on that and they're like what the heck is wrong with this guy or girl we think that if we want a good body you know we just have to brainwash ourselves with pictures of ripped people with six-pack abs but what's the problem there we're over attached to it and anytime you look in the mirror now all of a sudden because you don't have this you start beating yourself up you start nitpicking every one of your flaws you start seeing your love handles even though other people can't even notice that it makes you feel less confidence not more and now let's go back to the frame that most people approach their relationship with or your crush with or the person you want to date you're like if i'm really interested in this person if i'm really obsessed with this person that's going to win them over that's going to get them to like me because i see it in the movies or i see it you know elsewhere or maybe i'm just i can't control it i'm just so all in i'm so out of the gate just 100 out of 100. a lot of times that energy doesn't translate as passion or interest it translates as you need someone else to complete you when you go after someone right and you're chasing them that also carries the energy of like neediness and almost insecurity so understand that the more you pursue someone over and over and over again right though i mean we all know this from a texting perspective right if you're texting someone and there's like five or six blue texts from you right and like one little white text or green text don't text anyone where it's on green right that's your first red flag right there one text back what does that convey that they're more important than you that they're up here and you're down here and so you're kind of like looking up at them one of the most repulsive things for people is neediness is clinginess unless they're an unhealthy person where they like that and they're fueled on that some people are right that neediness is gonna translate as a lack of confidence for you now here is the second thing you really need to understand okay most people's idea of a relationship is completely flawed to begin with now here's the thing i was reading this book very long time ago this is osho he wrote the book intimacy he also ran a coal in oregon for what it's worth so i don't know but he had some good ideas in here minus the coal osha says that there's three types of love okay and most people go after these two forms and they never get to the third form which is the most important one the first form this is dependent love this is where one person is down here and the other person's value is up here okay this is how most people approach getting in a relationship with someone or if you're obsessed with someone and you keep checking your phone over and over and over again right and you feel like they're not reciprocating or they're not texting you back as fast or they're not putting as much interest in you this is this falls into the dependent category one person has more interest than the other okay and so he says that dependence is not really love it's one of the lowest forms because it masquerades as love but ultimately it's not because no one wants to be dependent on right or if someone's in a relationship and you're like the caretaker eventually that role is going to get kind of old of taking care of someone someone's needs or financially or whatever right if someone's really dependent on you then you're not going to have as much energy for yourself and that's going to drain you over time so that's the first kind now the second kind and this is also equally as in odds common this is where both people are dependent on each other this is what we call codependence okay now some people want this some people think that this is love like if i need them as much as they need me right here and we can just you know be obsessed with each other and get matching t-shirts and you know hold hands 24 7 in public and ah just be obsessed all day long but what happens anyone who's been in a relationship knows that maybe at the start you know you have some of that right and that's kind of the the passion at the beginning but then when that goes away a little bit month two month three and both of you are like oh no we're that we're that you know obsession where we have to do things 24 7 go together people are like they freak out and they want that back because it's like flashy and it's what we see in romance films and stuff but that's not the deepest form of love osha would say and if you look at any marriage right it's not like that the whole time i mean you go to work they go to work you got kids there's other things that take priorities like people who've been married 20 30 years would look at that and laugh or maybe you've been in a long-term relationship before or you're in one right and your friend starts dating someone and within like a month he's like dude she's the one he's the one you know we're obsessed over each other and they like want to give you relationship advice and you're like all right you've been together for a month give it like six six months a year two years and let's see who's talking now right that you're looking at them and they're in that codependent style relationship again unavoidable at the start there's nothing wrong there but just know that that is almost more of a immature type of love okay and it's not really the highest form the highest form is this interdependence okay this is where both people are self-full enough both people's value is right here it's equal and they choose to come together because it's magnified together one plus one together equals three an entity which is your relationship that is the mature form of love we're going to go deeper but in an analogy to really paint this picture you're going you see a sunset like hey i got this great place to watch the sunset we're going to eat in and out burgers we're going to watch it it's going to be a great time so you drive up there and you watch the sunset and instead of watching the sunset you're just staring at them the whole time they're like dude watch the sun so you're like no you're more beautiful than the sunset like how would you feel if someone did that to you that'd be kind of creepy right that's the neediness that's the dependent love some people think that that is love that is not then there's codependence same situation right there sunset in and out good time right that's where both of you are like what sunset i just want to look at you the whole time no i want to look at you the whole time let's take selfies oh my god let's tweet about like you're not really enjoying the thing right there in front of you you're just trying to like you know you're just distracted by each other that's the codependent style but the third kind right here this is the interdependence it's where you're both sitting there you're watching the sunset you're having a good time you know that the other person is there with you because they're literally sitting right next door right you can feel them that it's fine but you're both enjoying the moment together you're both watching that sunset because you know that they're there and you trust that they're there you're not going through your head like do they love me or they watch it like why aren't they paying attention to me why why don't they care about me why are they distracted by this stupid sunset like i should be more important than this freaking sunset you see my point those are the three times of love but most people want those first two because it's like an ego love here's the biggest thing you need to understand the two most important needs we have all right you would say love is one of those right yes love is one of those love is one of those needs you need it you know if you don't love a baby up until the age of like four or whatever we're one of the only animals where you can't survive on your own without the love of a mother or love of a stranger or people who are taking care of you right you need people to do that that's hardwired into us but there's a need higher than love okay now this is very meta and very important for you to understand you know what that is freedom freedom is higher is a higher need than love it supersedes it no one wants to be possessed they want to be loved but they don't want to be possessed so if you come into a relationship or you approach someone with one of those first two types of love right there codependence or dependence one of you is trying to possess the other person almost you're trying to control them and you hear people all the time i was in a really controlling relationship right or he's so controlling so let's bring this all full circle now we started this video by saying that when you're over attached when you're over obsessed with people that that actually pushes them away now you know why because there's three kinds of love dependence codependence and interdependence these two push people away and even if they don't for the first six weeks they will over six months six years it's not a good place to have a relationship from okay the reason is because people they don't want to be possessed intuitively you feel this they need the need of love but ultimately the need of freedom supersedes their need of love and any time you have these you're taking away their freedom they will feel that and thus want to run away so they can be free this is why detachment right and not detaching from someone okay but detaching from the result detaching from the idea of what you think love has to look like right being more go with the flow almost caring less about the outcomes of things definitely gets you better results and i've seen this time and time again in my life i'm playing with this idea in almost every area and it's one of the most powerful ideas i've come across recently this is one of the things we speak about so much in my metamorphic coaching program just did a 10 week round with some of the first founding members and like two of them got new relationships okay i knew one of them hadn't dated in like 15 years and when you start shifting into this 2.0 version of you right which we help you create and shift into so it doesn't feel fake or vague it's just natural of who you are you start to notice you raise yourself up and then everything in your life all the people all the opportunities that come to you are higher as well because they're on the same level and remember you attract what you are not what you want so if you're interested in creating the two point of view of having an identity shift what i'll do now is i'll link down below just a free like 30 minute video you don't even have to subscribe to anything i'm not going to ask you to buy anything at the end of it okay just telling you a bit more about that process if that's if you're curious about it and then as well at the end of that video if you want you can apply for this program to have a call with myself or someone and we'll tell you a little bit more about that and if it even makes sense for you thanks so much for watching until next time stop settling start living see ya

Channel: Clark Kegley

Views: 445,475

Rating: 4.9592361 out of 5

Keywords: relationship advice, how to stop thinking about someone, law of attraction, law of attraction love, maifest relationships, manifest love, law of attraction relationships, detachmennt, letting go, clark kegley

Id: R3hcCSy5OGU

Length: 12min 11sec (731 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 11 2020