Emo Philips Collection on Letterman, 1984-2001

[Music] my next guest tonight is a very unusual comedian not only as this is network television debut but he says that it is also the first time he's ever been out of his house he'll be he'll be appearing this week at the Richmond comedy club in Richmond Richmond Virginia please welcome now mister emo Philips [Applause] [Music] thank you David thank all of you glad you're in a good mood I'm in a good mood too I had a quite a laugh today at the expense of the service station attendant he was attempting to scrape the bird droppings off my windshield and I never let on they were on the inside Oh found a wallet today on 47th Street I was gonna keep it rather than return it I thought if I lost $100 how would I feel I realized that I would want to be taught a lesson so I kept it yeah I want to get fashion today st. Patrick's although I'm not Catholic I go every now and then I see you bless me Father for I have sinned I'm just in here to develop film he hates that yeah I'm religious you could probably tell ha yeah used to pray every night when I was a kid for a new bicycle and then I realized the Lord in His wisdom doesn't work that way so I just stole one and asked him to forgive me I got it yeah I had a nice childhood very close relationship with this other kid I was his imaginary friend other kids would call me names you know like puke-face or neo Calvinist and I'd write after them but lucky for them that chain would snap my neck back today what I speak once school is fun once we're taking a test and I was copying this other kids paper I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine she said emo my stupider were you cheating high school yes and no the principal and they sits I sit down and he says emo emo emo I said I'm the one in the middle you drunken bum you know and he said how'd you like to repeat the fifth grade so I don't know if I could do it exactly give it a try and he says you know I could expel you I said you'll have to catch and eat me first you know yours and he says emo you've to go to the school psychologist said why do I have to go to this psychologist so he shows me the petition oh those guys is emo what does the st. cloud look like to you I said well it's kind of embarrassing P City more everyone sees something silly what does it look like to you I said well to me it looks like standard pad or number three in the Rorschach series to test obsessive compulsiveness you know he gets kind of depressed I said okay it's a butterfly and yet series opposite what does this ink blot look like Israel it looks like a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation Issa no the ink blots over there that's a photo of my wife you're looking at so no that's the tragedy and he said well you been such a good boy I want you to have this chocolate Easter Bunny on me I said I'll slip off 'yes it'll try it anyway Tiger so I I ate the chocolate bunny and I hacked it wait a second was this a test these is yeah I said what does it mean he said well had you eaten the era's first you would have been normal hey to eat in the feed first you would have added inferiority complex had you eaten the tail first you read latent homosexual tendencies hey do you eating the breasts first you would have an elated add a pole complex what does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream stop staring at me you know and he says well it shows you a tendency towards self-destruction so what do you recommend he says go for it baby there you go thank you folks have been wonderful you've really cheered me if I needed cheering up by a Elounda friend of mine $1,000 for plastic surgery and no I don't know what he looks like I see that very very funny very unusual very different nice to have you here what is the name Amol mean can I ask you that it's it's my Christian name yeah and my Buddhist name no that's it's my name I'm sorry no no probably the first one we've had on name deemo no nice to see ya so we have won this country who plays Iran you know uh you'll be able to it's a pleasure to be indoors thank you how do you like being in New York you've even been here much oh yes I like it I was at the library though the guy's very rude no yeah I said I like a cardi he says you have to prove you're a citizen of New York you know so I stabbed um who's ready through Central Park you know I'm I had an asthmatic attack these three asthmatics jumped me I know I should have heard I'm hiding [Applause] [Music] thank you and come back and see us sir also my thanks to Tom Savini Cheryl Tiegs Larry Paul and of course bill window we'll see you folks tomorrow night have a nice evening thank you very much [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] thankfully we before we bring out emo we need to eliminate some contestants here so let's take a look at the number one from that second round of selection you like that guy okay so he's in the final competition next all right let's see we have the final four and of course the winner gets a copy of the new Sam Harris single my next guest tonight is making his second appearance on this program and he is an extremely unique performer boy that's certainly true he can be seen in prison in prison I'm sorry it can be seen in person this week beginning Thursday at Caroline's here in New York City please welcome emo Philips [Applause] oh well thank you it's nice to be here I didn't know what to wear and my mom said emo why don't you wear your grandfather's nice dress slacks so I grabbed a shovel [Music] nice to be in New York swinging town I was in a bar a few nights ago moving from stool to stool trying to get lucky but there wasn't gum under any of them in the bar and I heard giggling behind me and at first I don't mind but the giggling continues I thought what's so amusing so I turn around these two guys for the last half hour so have been throwing darts into my head it's a good thing I heard him I said look you bombs because I was angry now as soon as this game is over hit the road well I love that bar one thing stuck in my mind and that is there's a lot of weirdos in this world like my cousin's our Siamese twins connected at the hip we always have a lot of fun with them when we play softball we'll pick them for different sides that kind of thing people come up to me extremely worried that I'll reproduce well I don't want to have a baby my sister just had a baby and she's very proud of him we could have company over she'll be in front of everyone with her breasts out feeding him cereal the other day she said email could you babysit little Derek while I go to the carnival and look for the father she takes the pocket of peanuts and leaves and I'm pushing him through the park and he's crying you know cuz I forgot the stroller welcome home try to rinse out his diaper in the toilet whoever rinse out a baby's diaper in the toilet whoo-hooo accidentally let go of his foot the kids today I know I'll have kids someday of my own I'm quite handy with the ladies what a hot mom is sure to be yeah I'm the great lover - so playing tennis the other week and these two hot mamas are waiting for the court at that time to pour on the charm hmm hi there you sexy little [ __ ] of Babylon and they walked over say do you wanna double up I said sure so they kicked me in the groin [Music] I'm quite handy with the ladies I was with this girl the other night and I don't wanna brag but from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses you would have sworn that she was conscious from the tip of her head to the on her toes [Applause] [Music] oh my gosh emo you I think you could be in the running for mr. September nice to see you again where are you originally what do you what do you call home originally oh it's a tough one now I'm gonna have to trace back through all my old bus tickets well I was born in Chicago I go when I was 10 my parents moved to Downers Grove Illinois when I was 12 I found them [Music] and the rest is history I hope it's a good good time to be in all it's always a good time to be in Chicago but now especially with the Cubs boy that's gonna be I think once in a million years is totally justified you go out there huh I caught a homer everyone's rushing up at me trying to yank it out of my eye I enjoy you enjoy what do you do to work out stay in such shape well you know just good and three miles today huh finally I said lady take your purse yeah yeah now where we be working I know you're gonna be at Caroline's for a while but you have other jobs coming up well next week I'm at the funny bone in st. Louis oh they'll love you there at the comedy gallery in Minneapolis so if Minnesota yeah I know where it is okay emoji it was nice to see you again well it's great to be indoors [Laughter] [Applause] we'll be right back [Music] [Applause] [Music] you my next guest that made his television debut on this very program a few months ago and he has been getting stranger and stranger ever since he will be appearing this weekend at Zanies in Nashville Tennessee please welcome emo Philips [Applause] [Music] thank you David oh well lucky to be here hours on First Avenue and I had to drive over here to 6th and I thought what street do I take they get from 1st to 6th then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet I'm in Poughkeepsie and oh that's all right oh my car is hard to steer anyway I put a lock on the steering wheel but I lost the key and now I can only drive in a straight line and if I want to turn the corner I have to go part way into the intersection and turn off the headlights and wait for someone to sides wife me and the new direction oh there's cold weathers playing havoc with my car called the mechanic today I said my car starts but it doesn't move he said check the trends so I said to my brother take off your dress and help me with this thing Oh woman oh well happy new year you excited about 85 I'm ready my sister Kiki gave me a calendar it's nice like a fabric cloth calendar little design at the top it's very nice took me three hours to sew in a dentist appointment but it's okay you folks are really cheering me up I needed cheering up I overheard my parents arguing about me the other night saying stuff I go I told you he'd live I said I'm a mom I said mom can I have five dollars for the movie she said oh no so I said dad can I five dollars for the movies I said mom she said ask your father and as I'm running back to my dad I tripped and hit my head in the coffee table and my mom shouts to my they had 15-love my serve again well she's a kidder so I go to the movies do you like crying babies at the movies I do I like I sit behind them you figure they're gonna cry anyway so yeah you flick them in the head in the next hours of pleasure it's a lot of weirdos at the movie house at the movies there's a really ugly slimy repulsive pervert besides me besides me and and he puts his hand on my knee starts moving it slowly up and down my legs I thought the joke's on him it's asleep yeah oh did he have a nice Christmas I did I visited my grandmother had the gold cut the Attic anyway you know she's nice I made out like a bandit this year I got some new underwear well new to me you know so the excited about this no tomorrow huh then when I was a little kid my favorite time of year was the first no how about you oh it was mine I'd wake up and scream you be snow and I'd run to the front door and I go you know the deal let me in now [Applause] back [Music] okay emo nice to see you here nice job I always get the feeling with you emo that you're waiting for test results we we have to go folks my thanks to emo and also may McLennan from Dixon Illinois and Robert Klein we'll see you Monday have a good weekend go to bed [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] my next guest has made his Network debut on this television program only a year ago and already he has his very own record album he can also be seen in person this week at Caroline's in New York City it's always a pleasure and an experience to welcome one of the strangest men to ever draw oxygen please say hello to emo Philips oh well what a beautiful day today huh yeah it was a beautiful day I bought a tape cassette today and I took it home and I listened to it for a couple hours sure enough it's blank I went to the movies you know what the theater owners hate more than anything when you bring your own popcorn you could have the quietest popper in the world they'd throw you out you meet a lot of weirdos at the movies I'm at the movies this guy says excuse me is this seat saved if Aquinas reasoned that even animals have no souls I mean how much less chance doesn't in an time an object like a chair have of gaining salvation you know and oh forget it people come up to me and say you're alive well I had a busy day watch some kids playing baseball yeah member when I was little kid used to play baseball the other kids always made me the catcher which I liked until one day I saw a game on television and I said Lola how come that catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles I was a precocious lad remember we live next to this busy highway remember once I wandered out onto the highway and I was stuck in the median for like four hours as the cars whizzed by me who I still shot her every time I see the film my dad took a bit Oh my dad who was a kidder every night I'd say daddy tell me a story he said emo I need my sleep I have to look for work in the morning I said I'll come on tell me a longer one [Applause] yeah I was a precocious youngster once in school the teacher satima what's 519 times 415 my brain started to bleed she said take it easy what's our common denominator it's a fondness for little girls oh he was angry you know I don't know if I was put on this earth for a purpose or not but I'm fairly sure that I'll be taking off it for a one the other night I was sleeping alone thanks to the exterminator you know you know how you're in bed at night and your house starts making noises you don't hear it during the daytime weird noises scary noises like or emo I'm gonna kill you I remembered that song whenever I feel afraid I whistle a happy tune and I started to whistle and I felt the hand around my neck and a voice said thanks I thought I'd never find you into the dark the light goes on there's this guy standing over me with the gun eases take advantage of my little sister will you I said sure where is she and he shows me this picture of a girl I said I don't know he said yes you do I said no I don't need gets nervous and his hands start shaking and the pictures start shaking I said oh now I remember [Applause] I said look I'll tell you a riddle and if you answered you could shoot me but if you don't answer it you have to let me go he said why should I hustle or come on he said okay what's the riddle I said what is it that has four legs in the morning two legs in the afternoon and three legs at night he said the answer is man who in the morning crawls on four legs cuz he's a baby and in the afternoon he walks upright on two legs cause he's an adult and in the evening his old man with the cane and that's three legs what's wrong it's a donkey who's four legs in the morning and in the afternoon you chopped or from off the evening jack will want back on again so I got out of that one alright thank you very much for being my friends [Applause] [Music] we're right back with emo Philips [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] nice job emo very funny nice to see again now the album doing well very very well do people treat you differently now that they know you're a successful recording artist oh yeah guys at the Berkshire place very nice hotel yeah they gave me a hassle for doing laundry in my room oh I mean I thought I charged the other guests a very fair price I don't know my dad could see me here tonight hey emo how'd you escape from the Attic [Laughter] Oh working all over I'll be at Caroline's this week and I'll be at the comedy connections in Philly and Boston and the comedy workshops in Houston and Austin I like to rhyme all my intent I thank you thanks for letting me on again Oh fine are you done no Oh sound like you're getting ready to leave well I thought this might be the last time oh no no well we'd like to have you on again and again well I'm no stranger to sarcasm you know that's good now emo emo I've never asked you about your name emo yeah I don't believe I know another person named Nemo if you go to Finland you'll find many are you are you finished no I we have about a minute left [Music] but it's a Finnish name is that correct yes is it an abbreviation for a longer Finnish name no no that's all you need in Finland plus a reindeer emo even any of a middle name you don't need a middle name middle even well in Finland you need a name with emo a middle name but in America you don't need a middle name with these Phillips is not a Danish Finnish name Welsh Welsh emo Philips yeah so you're not well seem of Philip nine okay you're gonna be we're here Carol Caroline sits on 8th Avenue and the album is selling well Oh selling like hotcakes to UM to Aborigines I mean if they want to buy it but how long will it stay on the shelf look I'm glad things are going very well for a good luck at Caroline's and I'll stop in no they're not a chance in hell we'll be right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] email thank you very much again also on our thanks to Connie come tomorrow comedian Jonathan Patz viewer male nine-year-old impression of Zechariah Overton truckstop owner Ethel magpie Richardson and stupid Patrick's apparently everyone in show business is out of town for the summer [Music] [Applause] [Music] my next guest is a very bizarre human being who Believe It or Not has just signed to appear in the remake of the classic Jules Verne epic Journey to the Center of the Earth please welcome comedian emo Philips [Applause] [Music] thank you David for that dainty prose the magic of this is just starting to dawn on me what I mean is if someone would have come up to me ten years ago and told me that I'd be a national television in front of all you folks I just would have stared at him cuz I was on medication at that time as you could see I'm a bit frazzled I was I was getting here and I was caught in one of your famous New York traffic jams guy behind me honking bpb turn to do something about those stinking fumes I just kept walking you know well live and learn beautiful day today it was raining I went to the Art Museum saw this van Gogh little sign next to its head loaned anonymously so I go to the front desk I'm the one I'd like it back now no way Raoul how many people here of telekinetic powers raise my hand want me to do my tribute to Elvis thanks Elvis you know who my hero was in high school James Dean huh boy could that guy make sausages memory oh my brother says hello so hooray for speech therapy we have a close family although my nephew's are brat you know he had a birthday and I was I was entertaining at the birth they doing some magic tricks you know took his dog and twisted him into a balloon and I said okay blot the candles on the coleslaw he said I want to make a wish I wanna make a wish so I grabbed him by the ankles and starts spinning him he goes wish wish wish and I threw into the wall I knew what he really meant but I thought what a good time to warn him about the dangers of homonyms and I took him to the playground I go to the playground off and to watch the little kids jump up and down and scream cuz they don't know I'm using blanks good exercise and I said okay he says uncle emo give me a push on this swing so I push me says harder so I push up he says give me a real push yo wimp so I get about 50 feet back and I run and I push me says give me a real push ya pansy so I backed up the Buick he got out of the way and so should I thank you for being my friend [Applause] [Music] [Music] thanks for coming back and good luck with your movie that sounds like a lot of fun thank you David I'd like to swatch you with a big stick my thanks also did Danny Sullivan and Molly Ringwald we'll see you tomorrow night folks have a good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] okay next guest is a very strange and a very funny individual who made his network television debut on this program back in 1984 and I think we all remember where we were that night he will be performing at Caroline's what's going on over there we're getting ready okay we're getting ready over there he will be performing at Caroline's here in New York City next week ladies and gentlemen here he is emo Philips [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thanks homeboy oh wow I was at O'Hare Airport from O'Hare and this fellow says would you like a hurry Krishna cookbook I said well I've heard you guys just taste like chicken he said I used to be a drug-crazed zombie before becoming a Hari Krishna so it's more of a a lateral promotion huh I don't mean to be intolerant but I was raised Baptist when I was a little boy my my dad used to say mold you believe in the Lord and I'd say yes he'd say then stand up and shout hallelujah fallout of the roller coaster annum yeah I used to pray every night for a new bicycle then I realized the Lord doesn't work that way so I just stole one and asked him to forgive me you know who needs our prayers right now George Bush George if you're watching take my advice don't worry about the budget deficit what is it two hundred billion what's gonna happen is Japan gonna come over and say hey Uncle Sam we want the money we'll say well we don't have it don't say you don't have it what did you spend that two hundred billion on who will say well these nuclear warheads and they'll say well we don't need it right away our country's making nuclear warheads like there is no well we have to protect ourselves from the Soviet Union you know the Soviet Union it's a it's a very weird combination of evil and incompetence kind of like the post office with tanks although that Gorbachev turned out to be a nice guy which proved you can't prejudge someone just cause they have the mark of the beast on their head do you mind if I if I take this off careful girls you gotta you got a dress for the ladies you know that poor Rob Lowe huh you know we've all done stuff like that in the past you know once I posed naked for a magazine it was a very demeaning experience though and I've never been back to that newsstand I've done a lot of weird stuff once I wanted to work in a morgue I think I'm a people person you know and the woman at the desk says can you stand long hours cold clammy conditions and horrible smells I said I hardly know you I'm glad I wasn't chosen though because I'm kind of scared of ghosts although they probably don't even call them ghosts here in New York City you know there's probably some new non offensive liberal term you know like the dimensionally impaired or dinner hello boy you've been a wonderful thank you and always remember as you go through your lives the last words of my grandfather who said a truck thank you [Applause] yeah commercial we'll be right back [Music] [Applause] [Music] I think there's a possibility that emo has a middle ear disorder a slight pop that's what it is then all right okay I'm very excited in honor of the holidays tonight being Friday and we have the big holiday weekend coming up in honor of the holiday season I'm gonna begin tonight with a very special impression as you know I don't do impressions tonight I'm going to be doing a very special holiday impression my impression of a barber on Christmas morning barber opening a present on Christmas morning and impression alright Wow scissors heckled heckled by the band what a horrible way to end the year what a wonderful what a wonderful impression you screwed up ah doing his impression of emo Philips [Applause] okay [Music] I think based on this I think the Giants will return to the Super Bowl and prevail that's my prediction after meeting I'm with you listen listen to this you want a story listen to this 17 years ago our next guest made his Network debut on our old television show 17 years ago yeah and we were always happy to have him back in and so we're having him back tonight I don't know so 17 years later we get invited in he must have been a hit we lost his card in the file I fell down behind the cabinet and we were cleaning and there it was so here tonight this is his new CD it's called what is it called its self-titled and it comes out next week emo [Music] thank you I forgot how many beautiful women there are here in the Big Apple I used to be scared of pretty girls so one confessed they're just as scared of me I've always wanted a loving beautiful wife and she's always wanted to be in citizen [Applause] yeah she's teaching me Cuban which is like Spanish except there are fewer words for luxury items she's so sweet she always giggles during sex doesn't matter what she's reading we had our first barbecue which unfortunately was spoiled by my neighbor he says do you have anything to drink alcoholic I said yes manic-depressive we won't starve it at you I phoned him once I said hi it's emo I'm in bed trying to take a nap I know it's an imposition could you turn down the stereo you'll find my front door unlocked to me it's about helping people I saw someone going through my garbage can looking for food now darn it I hate to see another human being going through so much garbage you looking for food so I made them a real nice for a [ __ ] costume does he wear it no don't wear fur did you know that us.i single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs you know who identify with Barry Bonds because when I was a little boy I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat both his arms were completely broken which gave me the courage [Music] [Applause] once I was walking home from school and I'm watching some men building a new house and the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weird in Morse code will this will clarify everything when I was 16 I borrowed my dad's car for the first time and crashed it into a tree and I walk home and I walked around our house a hundred times trying to work up the courage to go in and I go and he says where have you been all night I said I wrecked the car I'm sorry and I started to cry and my dad said son I'm the one who's sorry I trusted you to be mature and intelligent enough to handle the family vehicle it was my fault it was my mistake I said you crap headed clown you could have killed me well [Music] it's always been one of my dreams to play the Ed Sullivan Theater my other dream has always been I'm running through this coring field and I have a very bad asthmatic attack these three asthmatics jumped me I know I should have heard him hiding always carry ragweed thank you for being my friend [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Don Giller

Views: 166,240

Keywords: Emo Philips

Id: p-BZBKdRfo0

Length: 53min 8sec (3188 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 30 2019