ELDEN RING ► 10 Enemies That Piss Me Off

sure hope i'm allowed to say piss in the title or this is uh this is gonna be an extremely awkward conversation with youtube next week elden ring is such a legendary game that i can't even think of a proper way to introduce it because everyone's already picked it up so i guess it's time to just take the plunge and go down the roster of elvenring's cast of characters most of which piss me off but that doesn't make me special how am i talking about here just start the video shut up number one on my list is the academy sorcerers oh how cool you are camping at the tops of staircases or across bridges spamming your little glow-in-the-dark salt stones at me what are you trying to do to line my chakras i'm just an innocent little goldfish trying to live life in a fountain but then a couple edgy [ __ ] walked by and thought it'd be funny to start throwing pennies at me this is what this feels like how do you even find all these inconvenient spots to stand in why are there always three of you standing behind a whole barricade of trash mobs and why the [ __ ] does closing distance require running an olympic death gauntlet with giant jars zombies and dogs trying to nibble my nuts off what's with the [ __ ] weird out-of-place mascot helmet isn't there like a kid's mule or something you should be promoting isn't there some dude in his mid 40s that needs his arteries clogged you need to get on that your entire skill set is just standing around looking funny with a helmet on your head so quit pretending that book you're whacking me with isn't five grades above your reading level that [ __ ] does damage too ow damn what are you even hitting me with look at how small this is that's barely big enough to be a collection of hemingway poems so why does it feel like i'm getting hit with a science textbook let's put the [ __ ] game of thrones down and sign up for the weightlifting team i think you missed your calling [ __ ] sake number two dogs jesus of nazareth what steroid adult dumpster ben did you start eating out of it's hard to tell what breed of dog these guys were before they started rotting inside out and became zombie puppos but i think fromsoft needs to cool it with all the cross breeding the dogs in elven ring aren't just dogs now they're like there are different kinds you need to watch out for some of them inflict rot some of them inflict hemorrhaging some of them are big and white and haven't had a haircut in a while i don't know about this one thought the dogs in bloodborne hit hard the damage from elden ring dogs makes that [ __ ] feel like getting poked with a pencil and why do they take so many hits what the hell did you dig some painkillers out of the trash too [ __ ] good luck angering one of these guys at a time because there's always a twig or a bone you walk over to loudly and suddenly the whole pack turns their heads to you like you just ripped ass in the middle of a final exam i've had some pretty humiliating deaths to dogs and souls born before much like everyone but they felt like honest mistakes that i could have just prevented by looking around or something this is a very different game if you see more than like two in the same room and one of them has like pimples and [ __ ] just like just just find another way around it's not worth it number three crabs why why are there so many [ __ ] crabs and why are they all massive i know no one's ever established a time period for these games but isn't this universe supposed to be i don't know relatively somewhere in like medieval times this is what crabs in the jurassic period would have looked like and these big boys are agile as [ __ ] too you can just be casually riding around on horseback and these things will actually catch up with you if you're not paying attention and how can something this big move so silently i always feel like i see these guys before i hear them most of the time i find a crab i'm focusing on an entirely different enemy or i don't know picking flowers or some [ __ ] and a giant claw just guillotines me from off-screen like it got me trying to steal a goddamn secret formula why do so many of these guys exist and why am i finding them in the most unlikely places the way it used to work you only found crabs this huge near swamps or bodies of water or something you can find one here just like chilling out in someone's home i'm surprised i'm not seeing soldiers riding these things by now number four ancestral archers i don't mean to sound like i'm turning this into a dick measuring contest or anything but i always felt like getting into a melee brawl with one of the ancestor followers can actually be kind of fun they have some unpredictable combos that force you to pay attention and fighting more than one at a time can actually strain your combat reflexes and really help you dial in that parry practice the archers can go [ __ ] themselves inside out with a garden hose and i'm going to tell you why imagine just having a really interesting and nuanced conversation with one of your friends about today's challenging issues and then from across the room someone just yells this is what it feels like being shot by an archer these guys have eagle eyesight and the howitzer missiles they're lobbing from out yonder feel like straight up jump scares just give up on dodging these things okay you're not streaming no one's watching you suck the ass that you are you don't need to feel embarrassed just do what everyone else does and hide behind a rock and wait for them to forget about you the one thing that stayed consistent in from soft games over the years is that object permanence is just it's a myth so if you just stay out of sight for a while they'll get back to scratching their ass and then you can safely close distance i just hope i did an aggro another one somewhere oh cool brilliant whatever [ __ ] it just kill me number five birds [ __ ] birds no one told me my enemies were going to have verticality too that's not fair why did godric pump so much funding into armaments for the banished knights when he could have just as easily raised an army of hawks and trained them to throw explosive barrels at anything that wasn't wearing the castle colors seriously this is a souls game i'm playing i can't believe they're actually coming up with enemy concepts that are even more ridiculous i didn't know where the bar could have been raised when i saw my first puss of man back in the ds3 but giant surgically modified birds that chuck barrels at you jesus christ this must be what wrestling stars feel like when someone goes for the chair you got literal demons firebenders flaming chariots all these guys are out for a piece but you can't even make it to them because you're busy getting your ass kicked by birds i'm not even talking about the giant crows and kayla like just regular run-of-the-mill dumbass birds like they're just birds like there's nothing even special about them number six the kindred pests you find these centipede looking shits mostly hiding out in mines trying to draw little pictures in the dirt with their giant toothpicks when aggravated they try to look strong by shoulder pressing their halberd into the air and excreting sticky threads from their back this might also double as a mating call i don't i'm not a lore expert okay i don't know what i do know is these threats can track you for way longer distances than they actually should and the attack has just enough frames to outlast even the perfect roll so you're always guaranteed to get hit by at least one of them even if it does do the damage equivalent of someone flicking you on the nose but i think the most annoying part about these pricks is when you don't even know you've aggro them and you're just like i don't know trying to make a random jump or something and for some [ __ ] reason that can only be explained by the cosmos every single thread will just happen to catch you in midair and [ __ ] up everything can you just like leave me alone i'm just trying to get back to the boss and get my runes and get killed again number seven pages ironically i don't think these nerds have ever even seen a book let alone know how anything works outside of aiming their [ __ ] crossbows who the [ __ ] thought it was good practice to place these guys way out of view but whenever you pick a fight with someone a football field away they just happen to see you once you get close to them it's like getting rid of a stink bug in your house all their attacks are susceptible to parries and guard counters and if you're right in their face with a shield then they just won't use the crossbow anyways but get caught social distancing in front of one and out comes the damage burst and there go your runes just why three why one bolt is already gonna do enough damage for me to waste a flask why is that just not enough to punish me for lack of awareness why do i have to eat a dps cannon for breakfast because i didn't glance in a certain direction you're really gonna pull that look both ways before you cross the street [ __ ] number eight perfumers i i don't know how to feel here you guys remember that one episode in the last airbender where they tried to fake fire bending to open the temple door this is basically what these guys are doing they're not actual pyromancers they're just spraying discount dior savage everywhere and lighting it on fire and doing a cool whoosh movement with their hand to make it look like they're channeling the knowledge of some fire demon or something well get ready for an extra kick in the balls because this works better than most fire incantations the game even offers you oh and your coat looks stupid too i'm sorry you look [ __ ] stupid you look like those guys in malls that walk around wearing double billboards and part of you is curious so you at least want to see what it is because anything that deserves two billboards is probably really cool but then you just figure out it's it's like just like a it's like a subway advertisement or something well [ __ ] subway and [ __ ] these d tier department store candle scented carpet-wearing armchair sorcerers that have never casted an actual spell in their entire life number nine clay men you only ever find these guys underground somewhere and ain't soul or siapra but that does nothing to change my opinion on them nor does it argue the fact that they should be in the game to begin with i don't even care about fighting any of you can you just like move your [ __ ] out of the way if you don't have the courtesy to be stunned by anything can you at least just tell the rest of your little family reunion gathering here to disperse a bit because you're kind of blocking the you know the rest of the [ __ ] game rolling through crowds of trash mobs usually works because they're the kinds of enemies with poise that can be broken if you sneeze on them too hard the claymen are so abundant they will literally form a wall in front of you and force you to either fight them or waste 20 seconds running in the opposite direction and making them all chase you just so you can clear the blockage like look at this horse [ __ ] i feel like i'm being arrested can i just can i play the game i paid for i mean souls games have never been above putting cheeky cc in weird areas that can sometimes bump you off cliffs if you aren't paying attention but like three dudes here can just suddenly roll up to you and surround you and there's pretty much nothing you can do about it because they don't stagger for anyone but they selves baby honorable mentions cause miyazaki knows better than to stop just at 10. worm faces all the experience of being on the victim's end of a shitty gimmick status ailment without the glory of actually being in pvp gargoyles seriously you're like the size of a storage unit how does that even miss imps yay more bleed damage rats you do not want these guys as patrons at a comedy show everything you try to land just goes right over their heads these little shits what the [ __ ] give me my magic back you [ __ ] hands okay this game is [ __ ] weird dude part of me does want to refrain from spoiling the last one for people who haven't seen it because these guys aren't exactly a dime a dozen but there's only one spot left in this video and every single person this piece of [ __ ] has pancake knows exactly who i'm about to mention yep a lot of you are nodding your head right now okay so the revenants can eat my balls okay they can have a feast do you understand me they can tie themselves a nice little fancy bib and just dine on my testicle sack always having spirit someone's enabled right next to a revenant is just peak self-awareness for this game because whoever concepted the idea for the revenant is so conscious of its own [ __ ] that it just assumes you're gonna need some help the revenant is the kind of enemy that ubisoft devs are gonna start putting in their games now because difficulty sells is the only lesson they bother to learn from it i'm actually not kidding this guy is like horrible every tactic you employ it has a counter for try and close distance it'll just ruin your plans and close it quicker back away and use magic and it will just dead ass teleport behind you and vomit on you causing heavy poison build up and dealing huge damage at the same time one isn't enough sure [ __ ] it just throw both of them on there this thing looks like it's using a lag switch it's so fast this is the enemy i would show people if i wanted to interrogate them not convince them to buy the game the only reliable way to take them down is to just swallow your fear practice those picture perfect dodges and hope it doesn't turn around and start revving up the spanking machine or i guess just use healing on them yeah apparently that's a thing oh and i guess the crucible knights those guys are annoying too but at least they look cool yeah video's over bye

Channel: Rusty.

Views: 800,288

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Id: GMkKr3qOLs4

Length: 10min 59sec (659 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 22 2022