Eating 25-Year-Old Military Rations

this episode of the modern rogue brought to you by ship station head on over to shipstation.com click that microphone type in promo code modern rogue and try it free for 60 days and the brand new labyrinth puzzle box available right now at scamstuff.com every year we come out with a new deck of cards and a brand new puzzle box this one is so much fun to open and when you do you will be rewarded with two decks of the brand new bamboozlers cards plus a 35 set of delta dice and a magical golden ticket what does it do it's magic head on over to scamstuff.com you're going to love it i mean what's the worst that could happen dying what's the second worst that could happen wishing we were dead actually yeah you're right sometimes i have an idea for an episode and then i wish i hadn't had that idea at all not as much as i wish you hadn't had that idea oh this sounds good on paper we'll find out whether or not it's a bad idea we've never had i've never had a meal ready to eat never had an mre at all so of course if you're gonna have your very first ever meal ready to eat like a real veteran badass army navy air force marines person naturally we would go back to the early 90s oh sure yeah of course something's safe it was handed out off during the gulf war these are from the 90s like i think it was like this one was from like 94-ish and this one was from like 96 mid-90s both of these before i got a degree yeah so okay first of all as far as we understand these were intended to last a month up to five years they're 25 years old depending on how they're stored if they're stored at 120 degrees like out in the desert heat a month also very explicitly u.s government property commercial resale is unlawful so who knows how we got these i have actually read conflicting information on that the department of defense doesn't want these in the hands of civilians but there's no law against you know what they really don't want is to have to deal with the yelp reviews on their mres that's the whole reason that they're doing this all right they don't have to deal with dead youtubers okay so this one is menu number 12. cheese tortellini vegetarian meal ready to eat from the 1990s what do you got this one is a meal ready to eat individual menu number 12 from what i understand there are about 24 different menu items for mres mres came around in about 1980 replacing the mci which was used during the korean vietnam wars pre-1980 mci yes before that at t and before that uh sos southwestern bone yeah there you go okay all right okay well i have scalloped potatoes with ham i trade you what are yours again cheese tortellini vegetarian yeah this is pre i don't think i even heard the word vegan until after this was out yeah they made that up around 2000 oh okay i have no idea when they invented kale this is fun so we're out in the field we've got applesauce we've got a box a granola bar it has a suspicious stain on the back that's i'm sure it's fine yeah we have an iced tea drink mix okay matches tabasco sauce gum breath mints yeah these matches are designed especially for damp climates but they will not light when wet or after long exposure several weeks to airy damp air that's my important name yeah okay so it works so far so good that makes you feel good about eating it sure and a moist towelette question set the line is it moist 25 years okay after this is packaged is it still moist that's a good litmus test yes your finger please your eyes closed prepare for the rubbing and rubbing me hold on let me unfold in it oh let me fall apart in it let me regret in it eyes still closed can you can you verify it is still moist brian it is it's also falling apart you can't even do anything with it yeah okay so points for fire points for moisture points for fire peanut butter knead the package before opening okay so each of these mre packs are supposed to provide the soldier in question with 1200 calories that's not very many calories and you shouldn't eat them beyond 21 days like if you're eating mres only eat mras for 21 days no more after that they need to change your diet up yeah because there's so much sodium and fat in these unlike the standard american diet yeah which is totally healthy here's beverage based powder orange flavor do a favor just uh let's give that a feel orange flavor i assume this is tang a tang cookie uh okay crackers feel like crackers that's good oh man what is what's oh this is a bag too oh to mix to like make your tea in yeah what is oh this is wonderful it literally says put it on a rock or something it really does finally here it is cheese tortellini tomato sauce okay yeah 220 calories 25 years old sure why not would you what do you got what do you got all right here we go uh it looks like mine is similar looks like the same accoutrement bag yeah oh you've got the sisters choice taste your choice you got the name brand oh uh creamer not dairy cream on dairy we can start some fires with that it has the same thought does yours say airy air or air damage no it's very damp okay i see i have airy dam taster's choice i feel like i got the lower the worst yours has meat oh yeah yeah tabasco sauce sugar what is this thing is this just a map i think it's a dry towelette yeah that's just an apple oh not even moist not even moist okay i got that going for me i guess that's a point in my favor got actual checklists yeah i have off-brand chiclets are probably like as hard as teeth now iodized that's a good question you got a moist towelette i got a refreshing towelette you got both all right let's see your food do we have to no that's it all right all right all right what do we got something in there is smooshy oh i do have a spoon yeah you got a spoon see oh you got the bag you got the same thing yeah say a rock or something it says rock or something yeah wait heater this is a heater it's got a heater yeah remove mre pouch from carton and safe cart and tear off top of bag place mre pouch in bag with heater do we trust the heating elements so we know that like those hand warmers and stuff you got stuff that is oxidizes or whatever we could skip that right room temperature you're talking to a guy who busts open a beef pot roast soup and just drinks it straight from the can i'm okay with it you can try to do whatever i might try to do that all right crackers whose crackers are crispier who's got the crispier crackers it's crispy those are they feel identical this is like a roofing shingle brownie chocolate covered tasty will not be eating that cocoa beverage powder yeah oh you definitely got the better sugar-free fruit punch drink mix featuring nutrasweet cheese spread thermo-pack jelly apple sauce and a scalloped potato potatoes potatoes with ham with ham all right did it hiss a little bit they smell fine they're crispy and dry oh they actually smell kind of good oh they're definitely falling apart mine hissed as well yeah yeah yeah smell like play-doh yeah i actually feel safe by the dry crispy bits look at the drawing on my face you still have it here check out this cookie monster action it's like no you gotta actually eat it the saltines are not bad so far whatever this thing is the like townhouse looking kebler elf thing is not great [Laughter] oh there's cardboard all right but the saltines i think this might be a commentary on saltines these taste exactly like saltines this is toilet paper this is toilet paper gonna need that later [Music] yep right come on this is 25 year old peanut butter these peanuts may have been grown during the carter administration on his peanut farm that he abdicated i don't know that i can do this this little thing called just uh being hungry for freedom oh it smells fine that look like cheese to you you've got peanut butter in your cheese friend is it what is it it's juice it's cheese oh man it's brown cheese brian um that means it's fancy probably french [Music] liberty i think i don't know oh it smells like this peanut butter is dope this panda bar is so good oh my god it smells like sasquatch's toe jam [Music] i'm not eating that i'm not eating that are you gonna eat that first let me get this sexy creamy beautiful delicious 25 year old mre peanut butter shot mmm i'm not doing good i'm not doing good come on let me have it are you what really yeah man it's good cheat cheese never goes bad man that's why they make it into cheese it's literally rotten milk do you go to fancy ass parties and have cheese and all that yeah you don't think it smells like every fancy-ass cheese you ever had no no it smells like a corpse foot should i should you you're about to stop me no i was just gonna ask can i have your vive um the mouth feels gross but picture a fancy ass cheese that smells like a foot only instead of being awesome and you have to use a sharp knife to cut it or whatever and you have to make dumb small talk and claim that you listen to npr imagine it's like i don't know peanut butter texture yeah so far i'm i'm five out of five stars in my yelp review what would would buy again what airbnb all the way i'm gonna open the saving the cheese i'm saving the peanut butter that's good okay i don't i don't do i don't do cocoa or chocolate i'm not a big fan you don't like chocolate though that's true oh as a matter of fact when we did the miracle fruit that was your complaint about guinness it's chocolaty yes yes i hate chocolate oh tray trades these i don't do applesauce okay well cool and also i don't do pigs because they're filled with dead wasps yeah no that's what makes them good what do you what do you got i'm just gonna give a little um i don't know cocaine kingpin little tasty roux of the the beverage powder okay rub it on your gums yeah here we go start it all right i have to do this you gotta snort it alright american delicious [Laughter] that's good that's pretty good oh my god i just realized i can mix the peanut butter and the chocolate oh my god this is so cool oh my god okay fig bar i'm like i just realized this is what all those mukbang channels get to do all the time you sit there and eat and talk about how good it is oh oh look at that that is military grade peanut butter in military grade with swiss miss this is the best episode we've ever done i'm concerned about you man at least wasps eggs are you're not gonna all right saving this one too i'm just i i'm oh you're very brave kudos so i'm truly a warrior somebody who would put his taste buds on the line for freedom i'm just saying i know i get pretty reckless during modern rogue sometimes smashing rocks and explosions and not paying attention and just blowing stuff this is single-headedly the most reckless thing you've ever witnessed this is i'm frightened i am legitimately scared of this i would rather drink the bruno oh i can't escape the stench well you know what comes next you having a rough time a little bit because that's going in our bodies brownies can be mixed with peanut butter cory you wanna eat the fig bar come eat the fig bar oh you're not gonna do any of this sorry i don't i i'm real scared man all right i'm busting out the brownie yeah is it supposed to be that dark i that's whenever i have fig newtons they're not they're not no all right here we go yeah that's good fellas can i have your truck by the way get ready for our new podcast it's me and corey it's called pigs at a trough and it's me standing behind you going oh a brownie covered in chocolate a dipped in the peanut butter make sure it's the peanut butter and not the cheese because i can't tell oh man don't don't you tell me and then with a little sprinkle dust you're crazy i can't do this this applesauce has a stain on it i'm gonna open this one all right here we go that was a little bit twisty a little bit of a i'm not sure this one's safe the bar the chocolate bar you don't think it's safe yeah oh goodness it's a little twisty mm-hmm like you could taste twisty i've never um imagine a really good bar of chocolate which i know you can't imagine but like somebody at some point in the production line maybe threw up just a little bit in it so it's like it's mostly a good bar of chocolate just a little bit twisty so vomit that's what twisty means got like just like a little bit of vodka just a hint of it man you ever eat a bunch of ice cream and then get sick later and there's some part of you that was like it's actually not bad when you vomit no i can say safely that that is never that's ever happened to me i mean we gotta vomit something up it might as well be better better than hot wings you know we should do this where we just have ancient mres and you interview celebrities oh my gosh let me get a pen are you kidding me oh i am opening the apple sauce oh yeah one of the apps i ain't touching that one no friendly fire it's on my hand is that bad man i'm the one tasting just a little bit of vomit does it smell rotten smells like some sort of apple scented preservative like i imagine if you open like a gel pack that it would smell like this oh like one of those silica gel patches yeah all right am i the only one who accidentally has eaten a silica gel pack accidentally i blame the texture of beef jerky because if you're not looking those silica gel packs same texture same everything as beef jerky pick up phone call poison control and it's like i get as far as the word silipa and he's already cutting me off saying like yeah it's fine it's fine i mean actually eat the whole thing if you want were you just like shame eating a bag of jerky it was dark it feels the same i swear this is a shared experience somebody justify me in the dark happily eating this i can't be the only one you want to smell the apple i don't know i i don't i don't care for fruit look i have standards bro oh we should get uh trevor to make uh some sort of beverage out of mre stuff [Laughter] i'll do it i'll do is it this is it this is the moment tastes like apples like at all was it twisty oh that's what twisty is okay yeah right this granola bar what kind of oh good look at this what do you think is inside the granola bar package it's another package of off-the-shelf granola bars and it's peanut butter i've never had applesauce that tasted like that like ever ever i still don't know that you've had applesauce boy there is a cardboardy that's uh where are you at with peanut butter it's cardboardy not big on peanut butter but uh cardboardy cardboardy how about just cardboard just full stop cardboard all right here we go it's just this is cardboard it's gonna break are you okay you break your teeth you break your tooth cardboard doesn't make frowns the way like crystals breaking do you want it what may be worth the trip just for the surprise mouth feel on this one give it bite through it bite through very brittle right it's very brittle you can hear it go ding ding ding ding ding the main event did you swallow that yeah dude i'm eating all this you're insane it's 1200 calories and tax deductible all right here we go what is this cheese tortellini and tomatoes oh that looks delicious sweet christmas come on baby keep getting it on me oh my god they're so liberal on the garlic salt this is great let me give it give me okay that's not bad yeah right this could be your moment you can go on an adventure 25 years old yeah god damn we're doing this we're switching over we're no longer the modern rogue we're just some cheese eating d-bags that's our channel now she's eating d-bags go to to see patreon.com and corey eat things and jason wretch just dry heave continuously hashtag cheese patriots jeez patriots oh so good got this tang brick i'm gonna open the tang brick i will take a full-on bite out of that chain brick if you can no you won't oh geez no you will not the tang brick has crossed the rubicon yeah it went to the moon this smells like floor cleaner jordan is not bad and i think it's just because of that overpowering garlic-ness i assume garlic is a preservative right i mean it keeps vampires away right oh shark yeah okay are you gonna eat the tabasco you gonna put some tabasco on there very good point i just realized you're not gonna eat your ham are you i'm not gonna eat no i'm not gonna eat ham sorry i need 30 year old ham tracy's do you want the ham i want every answer you are crazy dude i am legitimately worried about you not that i've ever experienced this but if you let's say had a regular cheese tortellini and maybe forgot and left it overnight might be 30 years it might be a little bit dry the next day but pretty much cheese tortellini oh god it's black i mean tobacco sauce doesn't smell good anyway yeah no that's this that's gone south yeah it's yeah all right well no you gotta no come on brian what no yeah i don't like oh do you have a will do you have a will i will live you know there's a toilet paper shortage right now right we're we're in the pandemic no we've got toilet paper all right man it is still spicy still peppery still tabasco e still vinegary a little bit poison smelly a little poisony man i just want to go back to peanut butter we got one more thing i think i scalloped potatoes with ham it sounds so good like i'm trying to swipe it out here i know exactly like a raccoon as if you're like i don't know i might want this one yeah no oh it looks twisty it looks good that looks yeah you're all insane oh man ham and potatoes are my jam what plus so much sodium you know that eating this i will be preserved forever for at least 25 more years it's gonna be mummified it's so good we're just gonna wrap you in the toilet paper and put you in here heads up boy that pig was alive when reagan was alive think about that does that blow your mind it doesn't make me feel any better about eating it yeah right my god i really thought that this was going to be one of those episodes cause you're weird with smells right just like with the smelling one that we did no no no yes dude it's awful oh butthole butthole butthole i thought i was gonna be the one who was just fine aces and that you were just gonna tap out look i'm not gonna deny that somewhere is an mre that did go bad in under 25 years but i ain't seen one yet as far as i know just let me hey man you want to make an omelette you got to break some eggs it's fine you got to have some blackened tang make an omelette out of this that's what we should do with the peanut butter and the tabasco on there i got like something nasty brewing right here that's just like i'm i'm close fear you gotta get past it i am i am to the brim with fear um this is after all the garlic i'm worried about my breasts poop city man get a little chiclet in there do you want an actual chicklet i want an off-brand chocolate off-brand chiclet okay all right here we go have you ever eaten gum that's old enough that it just dissolves apart ma'am kudos to the technicians and the food experts that put all this stuff together oh if you guys know of an mri we should eat come on over to a brand new channel jesus patriots cheese patriots at the trough featuring oh god let me see oh it's just like turned into like it's turned into like spackle or something not even gum spackle on the grid it's like a morning news show oh youtube.com cheese patriots spackle in the cackle check it out [Music] all right bit of story time let's go back to late 2012. this is when i'm still on tour but i could only trade my time for money so much and then when we had a third daughter on the way i realized that we had to figure out a way to reach more people and like a lot of you guys i knew i needed an online store so we launched scam stuff that's where the phrase modern rogue came from i christened it gear for the modern rogue we launched we got started and something really weird happened we were successful we were very excited about that unfortunately as the orders poured in i felt so overwhelmed because we were fulfilling everything just out of our garage and then we discovered this is not a lie yes it's an ad but not a lie ship station ship station saved the day they made it so that we were able to handle our logistics to integrate perfectly with our e-commerce and it was like a switch got flipped because suddenly i wasn't intimidated by all these orders coming in i wasn't afraid to figure out how i was going to get everything out the door because ship station made it so easy everything from the postage the logistics i'm telling you there's only two types of you people out there those of you who have an online store or those who are gonna have an online store and when it comes to fulfilling all of that stuff trust me you're gonna be glad that you headed on over to shipstation.com make sure to click that microphone right in the corner this is the only part i care about make sure we get credit for the free 60-day trial click on that microphone type in those words modern rogue we will get credit and you will be turbo charging your business making it easier than ever to make sure that you get the stuff that people love right in their hands couldn't think of a better time right here in the middle of the holidays by the way that third daughter she arrived like a week before christmas see i'm sappy too ship station offer and link in the description below what you do is when you're in your rental car on your way to a gig you go to wendy's make sure to substitute a chili for the fries oh i've seen you do this it's gonna be too hot so what you do is you turn on the air conditioning full blast you just hold it up until it cools down and then just like you're drinking a cup of joe you drink that that chili that's where we're at here

Channel: The Modern Rogue

Views: 257,350

Keywords: modern rogue, brian brushwood, jason murphy

Id: LY4dl_GuPKc

Length: 26min 48sec (1608 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 11 2020