Dumping on Fifty Shades Freed for 25 Minutes

so you know how for several years they made a new Paranormal Activity movie every year and they were mostly the same but if you were kind of entertained by it the previous year you could count on the fact that the next Halloween you were going to be able to just watch that movie again like it's back the Fifty Shades franchise is basically the romance genres version of that these movies are so by the numbers at this point it's like Christian and Anna go on extravagant dates they argue they have sex instead of solving the argument repeat that cycle for about 30 minutes and then somebody shows up and threatens them with a gun and then the movie ends if the way I described that makes it sound really zany and fun to watch that's because it is these movies are really funny it's basically the purest experience of seeing a fanfiction performed on the big screen so I was excited for this movie I was so hyped to see the culmination of this franchise and there's so much in this story to process like I feel like I can't make a numbered list because this entire story and the way it unfolds beat for beat there's just so much to it I'm just kind of gonna go chronologically through the stuff that was weird and it's gonna be most of the movie so right in the first scene the movie begins with Anna and Christian getting married and then the opening credits play out over this extended like four-minute pop song honeymoon montage I'm gonna tentatively call this the best part of the movie and that is a bad sign I just mean the pop song gives it kind of a nice energy and you're seeing pretty scenery and just the briefest snippets of their honeymoon they're kissing in the rain and eating at a cafe snorkeling giggling on bicycles since it's a montage Christian isn't talking for this whole sequence and the camera isn't lingering on his scary emotionless face so he's unable to bring it down during this montage I was having like an out-of-body experience I was like pretending that I was a fan of Fifty Shades of Grey or maybe even the author EL James herself and that Anastasia and Christian were characters that were very dear to me and I was thinking if you're invested in these characters and you love them and you want to see them happy you would be loving this montage it was well executed I don't like the characters so I wasn't enjoying it but it was through no fault of the montage I just realized that during the montage you're probably supposed to be pretending that you're Anastasia and and going on this wonderful honeymoon and instead I was dreaming small and just pretending that I was someone that could enjoy watching this montage it was a blissful 4 minutes ok so we come out of the montage and we are already in our first Anastasia unchristian argument there on a European Beach so everyone's topless Anastasia wants to take her top off and sunbathe and Christian is like no your breasts are only for me Anastasia so okay let's imagine this argument and how it would play out if it was two rational people having it Anna would say I want to sunbathe topless Christian would say I don't want you to Anna would say I'm my own person and if I want to take my top off in a non-sexual context so I don't get tan lines on my chest that should be okay Christian would say yeah I respect that but our head of Security's here and he's kind of like a long-term friend and colleague of mine so just for me personally I would be kind of uncomfortable knowing that he specifically saw my wife with her top off and then Anna would maybe say that makes sense but since he's like our guard and he lives in our apartment with us I both think and hope that he's cool with see me with my top off on my vacation without making it like a weird horny sexual thing because we trust him as our friend and then Christian would say also you're a billionaires wife now and you might end up in a tabloid with your top off and then Anna would probably say oh my god I didn't think about the paparazzi I'm so glad you mentioned that maybe I don't want to take my top off but since it's Anna and Christian and they're crazy people it goes like this Christian says you're showing enough skin as it is Anastasia you are my Nana says okay Christian Anna waits for Christian to go away and then takes her top off behind his back he comes back he's angry he like throws a towel at her violently like cover yourself up you've disgraced us both Anna Huff's at him childishly and now having not mentioned it before Christian's like you're gonna be in some tabloid now and then Anna is embarrassed because the film wants us to know that Christian is right to treat her like a child and then they go ride a jet ski while a pop song plays a their fight didn't matter welcome to Fifty Shades of Grey this is how it goes so Christian receives a call from his employee telling him that Anna's crazy ex boss who she got fired for sexually assaulting her has broken into Christians office building wearing a crazy disguise hacked through the door locks stole information from the computers and planted like a cartoon looking time bomb in the building to fry the system Anna's former boss is a literary agent I don't know how he would possess the skills to pull off any part of this plan or the inclination but they cut their honeymoon short and go home to deal with this we have a scene where they talk to their staff and the kitchen lady is like Anna this is your home you're the boss and the whole purpose of the scene is just wish fulfillment but that's the whole movie I guess and a cook's Christian dinner and then it comes up in conversation that Christian hates the idea of having children and Anna seems shocked and upset by this because she really wants a family and you're kind of like they didn't talk about this before they got married Christian finally says he's okay with having kids someday he just doesn't want to yet because he's not ready to share and so I'm glad his really healthy and mature reason for not wanting kids is that he'd be jealous of a baby Anna returns to work and this lady we've never seen before walks up to her like you got a promotion and you weren't even here and she's obviously very resentful of it I mean fair but you're like okay this is like our sleeper villain for the third act Anna's assistant whose name is Hannah because that's confusing it's like Oh Anna I sent an email to IT so they can change your email address because right now it's Anastasia Steele at publishing company and they have to change it to grey because you're married and you are gonna change your name and a kind of box at this like oh um let's leave it for now and it's like it has an occurred to her before to consider whether she even wants to change her name and you're like what did she consider before she got married so as soon as this exchange happened I was kind of like okay are they setting up like we're gonna have some petty argument later where she keeps putting this off and then Christian finds out you know a month for now and he's like you never changed your name our marriage isn't working or something stupid like that turns out I didn't have to even wait that long like an hour later Anna is with a client and Christian storms them with his full entourage just like worked up into a lather he demands to speak to her he interrupts her job and he's like Anna I just tried to send you an email and it didn't go through because your name is an Anastasia Graham and your email address yet and it's like okay based on what her assistant said when she walked in even if Anna had the best of intentions and wanted to change her email address it kind of sounds like it would have taken a day or two to get that done and it's not like something he has to freak out over why did he come here in person why didn't he call her on the phone or talk about it when she got home that night also I forgot when Christian gets there after her client leaves he like looks after the client and he's like good looking guy like he's literally accusing her of cheating on him they've been married like a week they have fought over everything and he already suspects her cheating on him just because there's a man in her workplace like this marriage is only red flags it has no flags of any other colors so anyway this is already a petty argument because like why does he really care if she changes her name but then Anastasia's like oh I might change my name but keep my work email and my work name as steel just because I feel like people already assume that I got this job because of who I'm married to and I want to kind of tamp down on those suspicions so now this is stupid for more bonus reasons okay number one they are now arguing solely over an email address which is unbelievably petty to in this universe we already found out the Christians famous enough to be in the tabloids so everyone already knows that Ana married him and changing her name does it make any difference three and I did get this job because of Christian like she didn't get here by her own merits she got promoted while she was gone on her honeymoon within like three months she went from the intern who was getting coffees to the head of the department and it all started happening for her after her boyfriend bought the company anyway as with all of their arguments she just kind of is like we'll talk about it later and then insinuates that they're gonna have sex later and then he leaves and it's never brought up again or resolved okay at this point we are barely into the movie I'm just gonna start moving at lightning speed of things that catch my fancy in the story or this video is gonna be as long as the movie because they're seriously so much to unpack okay Christian surprises Anna by buying her a house that he saw her admiring from afar one time which I literally said was gonna happen in my last fifty Shades video they hire an architect who's some kind of blond husband-stealing harlot because in Fifty Shades other women can only be sisters and enemies and there's no middle ground that seam goes nowhere it's literally just to show that and I got a man and that women are jealous and unchristian get in a comically out-of-place car chase sequence and it literally has like a song blasting the whole time and they're like lumber trucks coming through to make obstacles and as evil former boss who is hilariously named Jack Hyde breaks into her apartment and threatens her with a butcher knife and her security stops him Christiane surprises Anna with a trip to Aspen and all of their friends go along Christian's brother proposes to Anna's best friend they're gonna be sisters yay if you're thinking that all these events sound like disconnected pointless episodic adventures like you would see in a fanfic that updates in a linear fashion every week then you'd be right and I haven't even bothered mentioning the sex scenes just assume that for every event I mentioned there is a sex scene in between them the sex scenes take up like half the runtime and they're all the same as each other and every time you're just sitting there bored like it's just an interruption of the meeker story and you're like I don't really want it to go back to the story but I don't want this either and I'm Christian don't really like bond or interact while they're having sex so it's not like developing characters although in the first scene they're trying to demonstrate that Anna is like witty and she's like witty in that way where you're told and not shown so Christians like do you remember our safe word Anastasia and she's like it's purple just kidding it's red and and you're supposed to be like wow what a funny woman in all the sex scenes suddenly it's shot with these like extreme close-ups on individual body parts and it's lit so harshly you're seeing all like the peach fuzz on both of their bodies it just starts to feel like meat you're just looking at meat like it doesn't you forget that it's attached to humans it starts to feel a little grotesque like when I rewatched the movie to make this video I was trying to eat dinner I was eating soup and there's this scene where Ana starts like putting melty ice cream on Christian in like a sexy fashion and you're seeing the melted ice cream like clinging to his body hair and I was like it put me off my food I couldn't keep eating my soup and they blare these loud cheesy R&B songs so it's just like lethargic it's just like a cheesy awkward music video where you're just looking at strangers naked bodies I feel like people watching this video are going to doubt me like they're gonna be like I've seen sex scenes before and you're it's not as weird as you're making it sound you haven't seen Fifty Shades of Grey you you don't understand what I'm talking about you need to experience it and even though this movie is definitely for women Christian like sometimes he takes his shirt off but usually Ana's the one who's naked and she's like all the way naked like for a lot of the movie there's actually a scene where they're having an argument and Ana's just naked and if you're like why who's this for they somehow get you to feel detached and board and squeamish all at the same time oh also I don't know where else to nitpick this but Anastasia's lipstick was really bothering me the whole time that's why I've done this my lipstick is a tribute to her lipstick she's wearing some shade of red lipstick in every single scene and I don't know why but they've applied it in this one just one sweeping arch just this unflattering smooth arch across her whole upper lip it makes her mouth look like some kind of narrow football and I know her lip has a shape because you can see it under the lipstick I don't know why they're doing this they just steamroll right over it and give her a serious case of football mouth and she's never without it you see Anastasia literally in the shower waking up in the morning full football mouth it's the hey arnold of mouth anyway back to the story we're in the home stretch right now christian security detail comes in to proudly reveal everything they've dug up on jack-high and he like hands christian a whole folder and then he's just like he went to princeton and he's from Detroit and Christians like nice work like dude I don't know if you got your money's worth on this one it kind of just seems like they went to Jack's Facebook and read all of the parts they can access without adding him as a friend oh they also say that Jack Hyde once slept with a female co-worker and then blackmailed her using her sex tape so yeah Anna and Christian go home to Seattle and then the cops visit Anna at her workplace they tell her that jack is up for bail after bombing Christians workplace and breaking into her house and threatening her with a knife because he told the cops that he and Anna had sex and she's lying the perfect crime you know if only Anna was like a billionaire with access to great legal representation or she had witnesses that saw him threatening her with a knife or there was security footage of him breaking into Christians office and if only Jack had left a threatening note with his fingerprints on it that said you owe me a wife so Jack's bail is set at half a million dollars and he just pays it I guess he just had that sitting around then we find out that anna has forgotten to take her birth control for several months and is now pregnant anna is also not that happy about having children because she's like 22 so you kind of feel like she and Christian are on the same page so obviously they handle the situation like mature adults and the conversation goes exactly as you would expect Christian immediately blows up at Anna he storms out of the apartment goes to his former mistress's house for comfort comes home in the wee hours drunk slurs to Anna about his paranoia that she will love the baby more than him and makes Anna leave the room crying to go sleep in their sex dungeon this is every woman's fantasy relationship then the very next morning and the goes to work and she gets a call from Jack Hyde he reveals that he has kidnapped Edwards Christians hopes he has kidnapped Christians sister he's going to kill Christians sister unless Anna brings him five million dollars in cash he tells Anna that if she tells anyone he will murder me of right away and Anna believes him and like why Jack is just a guy like he's not hopping her phones he doesn't have any resources why wouldn't she call the police or at least Christian or maybe even like call a friend and consult with them for advice but anyway he told her that he would do a bad thing if she did that so she takes him at face value so Anna goes to the bank to get the ransom money and can I just walk you through like how this scene would appear if you were the bank manager character so a woman walks into your bank she's wearing clothes that make her look like a teenage runaway she's wearing like a gray hoodie and sneakers and carrying a giant duffel bag she is visibly distraught and she tells you that she needs to withdraw five million dollars cash right now so I looked it up and a typical branch of a bank will carry about 50,000 to like a max of five hundred thousand dollars in their vaults at any given time but this is Seattle it's a big city and it looks like a big bank so let's just pretend that you have that amount on hand to give to her and it won't wipe you out the account that this junkie looking woman is trying to access is shared with her husband do you step out of the room and without warning her or consulting her you take it upon yourself to call her husband when you call him he sounds upset and demands to speak to her you hand her the phone and step out of the room when you come back she is crying she gives you the phone back and her husband says angrily give her whatever she wants do as she says you shrug because no part of this is alarming to you and you pack five million dollars cash into her shady duffel bag the woman starts to walk to the front of the bank curses looks panicked and asks you if she can leave through the back of the bank she asks to borrow your cell phone she does not give it back she goes out the back of the bank and climbs into an SUV where a woman wearing sunglasses and a headscarf picks her up throws the phone out the window and drives away at top speed so in the context of the movie the bank manager has this entire experience and he's just like okay he just goes about his day huh seems alright to me he had no point contacts the police like I guess banks don't have panic buttons anymore okay so Anna gets in the car the driver is that lady from earlier that I said was gonna be in on it she's in on it she's a bad guy surprised she takes Anna to like I guess this district of Seattle that's like an abandoned shanty town I guess that exists there so jack is leaning there and can I just take this opportunity to talk about the villain situation in the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise so this movie is the culmination of a trilogy we've had two films to lay some groundwork here I did a video about the second Fifty Shades movie and in it I said I was so hyped for the third one because it seemed to me that they were setting up like a rogue's gallery of all these different people that had it out for Anna and Christian so here are your established possible villains at the end of Fifty Shades - the jealous older woman who initiated Christian into BDSM when he was underage she's mentioned in this movie but she doesn't appear even once Anastasia's friendzone friend Jose he looked super jealous at their engagement party at the end of the movie and I thought they were setting up some kind of rivalry he shows up at as birthday and Aspen and I guess everything's chill and he just kind of has a fun time with them and nothing comes of it Christian's crazy ex who had a psychotic break threatened Ana with a gun and was never properly dealt with by the authorities she also doesn't appear in this movie at all and Ana's evil ex boss jack who she got fired for trying to sexually assault her so in this movie our villains are jack and this random lady that wasn't in any of the other movies and even in this movie she was just in one scene it's revealed through boring dialogue scenes that Jack actually hates Christian and not just Ana because I guess they were foster kids in the same home at one time Christian ended up getting adopted by billionaires and I guess that Jack felt like he was entitled to that life because it could have been him I don't know but remember when Jack had to pay bail it was half an million dollars and he evidently just had that and he also before he ruined it for himself had a successful career as a fiction editor I mean it seemed like he was doing okay before he decided to be crazy I didn't know being a fiction editor paid that well but I guess it does so he can't argue he's not also a self-made man I also love that when Jack Hyde was introduced as Anna's boss he looks like this and after he turned evil he looks like this okay I went to the Fifty Shades wiki which exists to get that before picture of Jack Hyde and I was reading the physical description of the character of Jack Hyde these are the book descriptions there's one bullet point that says he is 35 during the events of the series and another that says note and never explicitly says he looks old or unattractive merely that his stare is unnerving Anna never says that he looks old he's 35 anyway obviously Christian shows up just in time with the cops and Anna's fine the baby's fine even though she got kicked in the stomach and Christian wants the baby now and everything's fine and they lived happily ever after Christian also says that the woman working with Jack Hyde was working with him because he also slept with her and also blackmailed her with their sex tape because that's the only way to control a woman is to have sex with her wait is that like the moral of the whole series you the movie ends with this whole montage set to the pop song love me like you do which was featured in the first movie and it's exactly the way Twilight and their whole series with like flashbacks to other moments from the early films and you're supposed to feel like fondness or nostalgia or something but none of these moments are iconic and you don't have any emotional attachment to them at least I don't I mean at least in Twilight those movies escalated to like an insane degree so it was like look how far they've come in this one they're just married now it's the same I honestly at this point was just thinking how great it would be if they had all those flashbacks to set up like an occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge type twist ending early in the first movie like right after her disastrous first date with Christian Anna walks out on the street and she almost gets knocked over by a bicyclist he's only going like 15 miles an hour but Christian pulls her out of the way and he's like look out you could have been killed and it's like I mean maybe she would have broken her arm at the worst but what if at the end of this movie they cut back to that after all of those lovely flashbacks and it's revealed that she had like a really unlucky fall and just was like knocked into traffic and this entire series has been the fevered imaginings of her dying brain that would just save the whole thing for me I mean to be fair you can improve literally any movie by giving it that ending

Channel: Jenny Nicholson

Views: 1,210,663

Rating: 4.9344282 out of 5

Keywords: fifty shades of grey, or is it gray

Id: ILZ7Oy3gM5U

Length: 25min 32sec (1532 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 17 2018