I did it. I found the Worst Book.

so one of my favorite pastimes is to go on Amazon and search for self-published books and just find the weirdest and the worst ones that I can find and then give them as gifts for holidays and birthdays two friends that obviously don't want them usually the books that I find sound so funny that it pains me to give them away so sometimes I find something so bad and weird that I have to keep it and read it myself I think I succeeded in finding the worst book that there is ever I'd like you to meet troll this book is by Emma Clark and let's take a look at the description 21 year olds Kyla Adkins frequents the Internet in search of her soulmate Internet is capitalized we're not messing around while online she meets hot and devilishly handsome Justin Brogan dangerous arrogant and quite psychotic Justin hacks into Kyla's computer and soon he controls everything including her heart and her life so this is an erotic book about somebody who falls in love with an internet troll who's harassing them just like in real life I I like to suffer we have like a little bonus treat because this is the first three books a trilogy it's not very thick but you know let's jump in okay summer a season when lovers held hands embraced and kissed as they strolled side by side on the walkway heading nowhere sometimes I was forced to watch these lovers considering my small apartment loomed above the street we're off to a strong start the book opens with the narrator complaining about how she cannot find love she's on like an eHarmony type site called true Christian love but she can't find anyone that's willing to date her probably because she's an absolute whale at a hundred and twenty five pounds wow that's so many pounds no wonder no man wants her it's unclear if men find her attractive or not there's kind of a lot of flip-flopping going on she says she's in too here but she turns men's heads in public it's kind of hard to know what her problem is but I don't have to worry about it for too long we are only on page four and our troll makes his first appearance he sends our narrator a DM on the dating site it's from genius one it's subtle hello great boobs you have I noticed the cleavage in your photo so what size bra do you wear let's chat honey I want to get to know you genius one parentheses Justin why why do you have a username if you're just gonna say my name is Justin oh he clarifies PS I don't give my real name out to just anyone hope that makes you feel special he's charming warmth met my cheeks I stared at the clothing line disappointed that I'd been trolled I don't has she been trolled what I don't know what definition of trolling it wouldn't that be if he fools her like just joshing you you got trolled and it just sounds like a guy sent her a rude message I clicked the trolls profile and a low resolution photo emerged Wow genius one was quite a handsome troll the kind of sensual looks that could melt any woman's heart also sometimes people appeared even more attractive in person yeah that's my experience it just I love that she gets trolled by somebody then clicks his profile and then she's like wow he's pretty better-looking than I thought because everyone on the internet uses their real photos on their profiles especially trolls he sends her a lot of harassing messages she chats back like leave me alone she gets so intimidated by him that she just puts her entire computer away for like several days I guess you can't block people on this dating site and I also guess she doesn't know that you can just not go to a certain website if you don't want to read someone's messages better to just put all that computer nonsense aside when she finally goes back to her computer genius one aka Justin has sent her an extremely graphic description of what he'd like to do to her sexually in a very command in frightening way and then closes with I promise never to hurt you which is always reassuring i gate rereading his crude suggestions over and over a complete stranger sent me the dirtiest most provocative message I'd ever seen in my 21 years of living I said it was sexual it wasn't that sexual it wasn't like most provocative ever I don't I'm trying to imagine who wrote this that they wrote a 21 year old narrator who's like shocked that a man sent her a horrifying sexual message online like I can't believe this happened the Internet's never been like this before like just in the comments of this video they're gonna be like 300 he was the first man to give me such a reaction yeah okay it's never happened to her before Justin a name that stole my breath and accelerated my pulse I don't want to offend anyone named Justin but it's just Justin she doesn't reply to the message and then Justin suddenly with his hacker skills hacks her computer so a live feed of himself doing a provocative striptease dance appears on her computer screen hi baby his pouty lips belonged to a face etched with strong features styled in a faux hawk blond highlights streaked his auburn hair straight nose and smooth complexion completed this portrait of perfection call me Justin wondering how I'm streaming this video he removed the belt unzipped and inched his jeans lower he's like this gloating well he's stripping he reveals halfway through his striptease that he has a microphone feed and can also hear what she's saying and she's she asked him how and were treated to this explanation first I hacked into the TCL site by exploiting an XSS security breach then I injected a script into my profile page after you looked at my profile I gathered your login information got your real name email I assume he's still nude while he's saying this and from that point I was able to get your physical address birth date I remotely installed software on your computer that let me stream this live video the perfect crime I wouldn't get charmed by his peals of laughter the way his muscles bulged when he bent his arms or the way his shorts bulged just everything's bulging okay I hate this this is actually making me feel like really on edge he he's also hacked her phone so she can't call the police so she just decides like she just decides to go to sleep I don't understand that she's like this is scary I'm gonna sleep it off then suddenly he just appears and he's in her house of course yeah he broke into her house he said that her door let him in I don't know what that means did she just not lock her door it doesn't matter it's really scary and this is a romance novel this is just like a horror show it's like but but it is a romance novel because she's into it I don't know why they keep reiterating that she's into bad boys but this seems like the wrong extreme to take that in I'm also lucky to hold such an exquisitely beautiful creature in my arms as Justin spoke he leaned exhaled warmth straight into my ear and gave my tummy a rush of sexual excitement is there any word less attractive than tummy there wasn't anything charming about his insatiable hunger for control or was there no she's like suddenly like I have to go to the bathroom and he lets her and she comes back and he's just asleep and she has an opportunity to escape I don't want to like victim blame or anything but she definitely should have escaped while that was happening I glanced at the front door should i yes you should he just looks so innocent sleeping that she decides not to escape which does that count as consent I hope it does there's no good way to put this and it's common in romance novels weirdly but obviously they get sexual from here and in the case of this book he is obviously broken into her house and was not invited in its it's bad this is why it's the worst book oh my god yeah no I'm not gonna talk about these pages okay it's like it's not funny anymore it's really bad but but after everything that occurs after 24 hours have passed with him in the house during which many things have happened I reflected on those hours as I lay in bed he lay right beside me Justin what a strange character I think that's a little mild I remained trapped inside this small dark apartment with a madman a deadly sexually potent man with intelligence sharp enough to get him accepted in Mensa so now that it's the next day she's kind of just into it and they the more sexual things happen they start making out and then he he weirdly like negs her I guess he is a troll he tells her that she sucks at kissing and then she gets upset at that not that he like broken but that he was mean about her kissing okay so I just remembered this was supposed to be the first three books in a series and I don't know where these book breaks would have been if they had ever existed because I am this much through the book and so far I've only encountered five linear chapters it's almost over maybe like this Mitch of the book is just gonna suddenly be two to four books I find it unlikely I stared amazed as his blue eyes betrayed nothing except striking Beauty funny how such a handsome man could be so troubled and weird no wonder they always said Beauty was only skin deep yes that is exactly what they mean when they say that mmm it's true he really is an angel who acts like the devil Justin Brogan a fallen angel Prince of darkness and light Prince of Darkness and light would have been a much better user name than genius one I have checked there are seven chapters I don't know how that was three books but there are seven chapters and chapter six is great the author likes suddenly remembered that they didn't set up anything that's going on at all or like who the characters are what the character's life is like so she just starts playing catch-up they're just having pillow talk and suddenly start asking each other expository questions you do have a job don't you Justin asks I'm a receptionist for a Pediatrics clinic once I was disciplined for browsing dating sites during office hours but that's been awhile back I think my boss has given up on me I offered a quick shrug he doesn't care if I miss work firstly that sounds like a great job second that's very convenient that you can just disappear for days at a time and no one asks where you went though I didn't recall falling asleep I did recall Justin sweet compliments I'd never forget it was the first time anyone had ever complimented me on my appearance girl I mean if that's true then I guess I understand why she likes him she grounded them not chosen queso dip to eat in bed it's been 48 hours and I think they're just boyfriend and girlfriend now I think like she forgot that he broke into her house our conversation lapsed to the subject of my father judge Adkins who annoyed me last week and every week before since I was 18 he keeps giving me these canceled checks to keep in a lock box this is a huge 11th hour twist he's so secretive he never tells me what they're for yet he expects me to hide them without questions I told him if he was so concerned about the damn things then he should just burn them of course he told me he can't do that why don't you think it's time you tell me where you're from do you have a career aside from hacking computers I'm a troll not just a troll it's an acronym for what actually I'm supposed to withhold information pertaining to my job what isn't an acronym for shoulders drooping he lifted his head to meet my eyes it's about your father and his Ellie activities with three other judges as judge Adkins daughter especially as his daughter you got involved when you started keeping his canceled checks oh my god this story decided to have a story in the last like three percent of the page link my father is a respected judge so you have no idea what you're talking about it's a good thing this author did nothing to establish this at any point earlier in the story what's my father involved in I nearly screamed isn't it obvious he's involved in corruption bribery and no I'm not a cop I'm a member of troll a vigilante group of hackers hacktivists and my job was to bait you through one of your online profiles gain your trust until I could find solid proof of judge Atkins crimes okay first what does trolls stand for they still didn't tell us that can't it's very convenient that her pillow talk happened to be about her father and how he gives her mysterious checks the source of which she is unclear on like he did not steer the conversation that way she just brought it up apropos of nothing like it's good first date talk to talk about your Lockbox of mysterious checks from your corrupt judge father judge Adkins third and this is the biggest one for me he apparently works for a spy group and his entire job was to seduce this one girl and his strategy was to just send her a private message on the site that seemed like it was from a troll that literally just said lol nice boobs and that was like his entire master plan and then he Skyped her himself doing a striptease like just to be clear this worked on her because she's weird but like what if what if she had been a normal person what did the other spies say about this were they like are you sure that's the approach you want to take man he closed his eyes for a moment then his gaze held mine I was supposed to date you and eventually search your apartment for those canceled checks he said in a cool tone I plan to scan the evidence send screenshots to judge Adkins with a message of sharing him we know of his crimes sorry I love that we're all like on a friendly basis with judge Adkins like we're just calling him that by his title as for the other judges evidence has already been collected your father was the final one the perfect crime I backed off trembling losing the last threat of sanity you were using me um okay he broke into her apartment and sexually assaulted her so yes he was using her but this is not the ultimate betrayal I wasn't using you not totally but that'll make her feel better I never meant to take it this far bro you started this far Justin's long fluid strides close the distance between us a corner of his lips quirked to a frown and completed his trouble look Issac moonsto lost their twinkle Justin rushed to the bag and yanked out the contents he shoved a devil mask over his face the letter T was airbrushed between bright red horns with the corners of a demonic grin curled into Satan's cheekbones how McCobb he appeared in that hideous thing repulsive yet fascinating door bell chimed dad shouted my name judge Adkins he's here and Justin he whipped out a submachine gun and poised it beside his devilish head Justin's holding the gun he's wearing his scary mask and he tells her to answer the door and that nothing bad will happen I trust him she gives him the locked box of checks so that he will let her father leave unharmed wait wait why is her dad here like isn't this during the workday so for all he knows she should be at work and not just out of her house randomly and who comes over without calling in 2017 what was this written copyright 2014 okay that explains nothing she tries to escape but he catches her before the elevator doors open girl take the stairs I don't want you why the hell not his eyes were wild is it obviously what has he done right at this point is he still wearing the devil mask when he asks her this question he removed the mask he was wearing the mask okay okay she kicks him in the crotch and then she runs away I was okay I went for the door but it's stuck in the knob wouldn't turn I threw myself at the door and use my fists to pound it I refused to give in even as my knuckles throbs and became slick with blood how long has she been hitting the door Justin remained in a fetal position crying sobbing I reached in his jeans pocket where I doubt the wad of cancelled checks as best I could I ignored his fiery glare how long is this kick to the crotch left him incapacitated I left the apartment and briskly walked to the elevator I made a detour for the stairs thank you she's outside we're good a scraping noise cut through the nocturnal stillness instinctively a glance back at my apartment and spotted the source window scraped the frame is Justin reason and peered out you owe me Kyla only IP I literally didn't know the main character's name until this moment you owe me Kyla only you can make this world right only you can make the darkness bright lyrics he'd quoted lyrics from an old song of all things I don't know what song that is I'm gonna find out only you can make this world right only you can make the darkness bright okay like I'm sure it's beautiful but because of the context like it's literally making me feel like ill in my tummy it's not sexual feelings in my tummy bad feelings it's ruined forever for me that's good better grow eyes on the back of your beautiful head sweetheart I'm gonna be coming for you I promise to find you I know my way around the city better than you my love and then he just awkwardly closes the window I cringe while crossing the street a single thought in my mind get away as far as I can but I wouldn't forget his newest promise neither would he okay that's it that's it the end of the book and that was the worst book that I've ever found I it should be clear why I think just in combination with the bad writing it's just such a horrible story I mean there's the awkward like sexual assault and kind of the horror of it it's probably the least charming romantic hero I've ever seen and whose fantasy is this like usually when you get disturbing messages online you're like that's scary I hope I never run into that guy you're not like oh go on maybe I'm alone in this maybe that is a fetish it's kind of beautiful because it illustrates like there's this weird trend of heroes who kidnap people and and take them against their will and I think this kind of is like the thing that would kill it you know how like daredevil was really bad and it killed superhero movies for a while if this was mainstream and a lot of people read it this would kill that kind of romance novel like the dubious consent romance novel because everyone would be like oh that's right it's gross and creepy so maybe it's a good book because of the power that it holds it kind of just hit all the marks for bad fiction that I like ridiculous premise weird pacing it quoted song lyrics which is great it hits a specific niche and I respect it for that yeah okay here's the question that I'm left with is who is Emma Clarke like what is her deal was this written by a male troll where this seems like a male troll fantasy and not a woman's fantasy where it's like well I bet whatever women that I'm talking to online would be really impressed by my hacking skills and I bet they're secretly excited by those creepy messages that I send them it's such a misunderstanding of what women like that it feels like that's a pseudonym but the other explanation could be that it's a female using a pseudonym just because this is her embarrassing weird fantasy there's also another possibility that it's a Midwestern mom with no shame that's a lot of romance novelist and it would also explain why she doesn't understand how the internet works the idea of blocking on websites the fact that people don't always use the photos and her total misunderstanding of what life is like as a 21 year old with a job who uses a laptop I hope you enjoyed this descent into madness I will link the Amazon page because it's important to support independent authors even when like you know and I had a horrible time thanks for asking you possibly my favorite part is when he sends her his graphic like sexual livestream video he does like overly explanatory dirty talk where he's like I'm imagining that I'm having sex with you and it's like yeah I know it kind of goes without saying

Channel: Jenny Nicholson

Views: 1,445,086

Rating: 4.93191 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: yZMt87ZdUbw

Length: 23min 19sec (1399 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 22 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/TJ_McWeaksauce]

My favorite thing about that book is how it's about as thick as an issue of Sports Illustrated.

[u/DickPinch]

Jenny has a really binge worthy channel. This book is awful in every single way, the video is quite old though

[u/AskACapperDOTcom]

here is her most recent video about Epcot Center it's actually very educational and ridiculous

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nu5bR_89W7U

[u/rafikiknowsdeway1]

I love the giant porg

[u/creepy35yearold]

Review submission: https://www.amazon.com/Buttception-Butt-Within/dp/151164611X/ https://www.chucktingle.com/paperback.html

[u/GodOfSynth]

I like very much this woman's accent. It is sound very cute from American accent no?

[u/Melon_In_a_Microwave]

clearly she hasn't found "Belinda Blinked"

[u/CuckOfTheIrish]

Please someone find and gift this girl a copy of Rindle Dindle the Magic Dance Pony. It is truly a work of art as far a bad books go.

[u/digitalstomp]

Is this the Suicide Squad girl?