Hey everybody. My name is Hutts and welcome to my Draw My Life video. Ok, we're missing something here. Yep, there it is. That's a little bit better. I'm making this video for my 100,000 subscribers special on YouTube, so thank you guys so much. First off! my name's actually Jonathan Hutton. I decided very early on that I liked Jon better than Jonathan but overall, I've never really liked that name. So, you can call me Hutts. Hutts is actually a nickname that I've used and I like it a lot better than Jon. Just a disclaimer here in the video. If you guys don't like stories about hardship and depression, if you guys don't like hearing about
other people's issues, then... I would suggest turning away right now. The story of my life hasn't always been extremely happy, so like I said, if you're not interested, I won't be offended if you decide to leave right now. So...so a little bit about myself, I am the youngest of 3 brothers. We lived in a suburb, in a state called Minnesota. A lot of people think Minnesota is nothing but frigid weather, but in fact, it can get over 100 degrees as well as being below zero. So one thing I can remember from my family, from my childhood, from when I was very young, is that there was a lot of anger in my family. I don't have too many happy memories. In fact, i don't have very many memories at all and I think that might be some sort of selective amnesia. Cause like I said... a lot of the times, I was pretty unhappy. Especially when you started to mix these anger problems with a drinking habit. It really affected us all. And each one differently. Very specifically, the anger definitely leeched onto my brothers. In fact, they would take turns picking on me
or beating me up... Basically, I never felt like I really belonged like... they really liked me because they were 1 year apart and I'm 4 years apart from my middle brother. What ended up happening is that my mum wanted to try one more time for a daughter. But she never got it. At one point I was able to make 1 friend. But my brothers saw fit to torture that kid until he decided to not be my friend anymore. In fact, that kid moved away and he didn't even tell me. Now at this time, my dad also had a problem with alcohol. An addiction. And I know that he had a lot of things going on in his own life that caused that anger. But instead of the alcohol removing that
and making him not angry, it actually accelerated it. And often times, he would even get
physically abusive with us. So this is the story of little Jonny Hutts. I never really felt like... I was wanted. In fact, in my mind I knew
I wasn't wanted. I knew that I was hated. But I never really understood why. I didn't really ever do anything that I felt like... deserved that but that's what I went through every single day. I suffered through physical... ...emotional... and yes, even sexual abuse. But another disclaimer here, it was not my parents so you can put the pitchforks down. But yeah. So... pretty...pretty awful time. In fact, right now it's... it's hard for me to talk about this
because this isn't really something that I... ...I like to think about but honestly, I...I do feel like it... gives you a deeper look into the person that I am. I'm also not gonna go into details.... with the sexual abuse. Even just saying it right now is... hard enough and... I would appreciate it if people wouldn't push any further. So growing up was...was difficult for me. I always ended up being...THAT kid. I had no self-confidence, I felt like... everyone was out to hurt me because the people closest to me were the ones that hurt me the most. I didn't trust...anybody else. So I... I never spoke, I never did anything, I tried to bring as little attention to myself as possible. I lacked any amount of self-confidence and I lacked... any amount of happiness... at all. And... and because of this, I didn't have any friends. I had no friends. And... It-..it makes a lot of sense to me now. Because didn't have anything to offer anybody. But being the shy kid. Being THAT kid... the more you try to go unnoticed, the more you become a target. The more you show how broken you are, the more kids are going to use YOU to pick on. Because the dirty little secret of the bully... it's not that they actually THINK
you're a piece of shit. It's the fact that they know their words will have power with you. They know that they can make you cry and that makes them feel powerful. That gives them a little bit of relief
that they can affect somebody. Even if it's negatively. I remember specifically. I was cornered by 2 kids and at this point, since I had no self-confidence and I never spoke, I never...I never said anything with my mouth, I-..I developed a pretty bad stutter. Something that actually affects me to this day. I was trying to tell them to stop picking on me, of course, I was stuttering,
and their response to that was a-...a-...a-... f-...f-...ff-...you're a faggot. Now, eventually, kids learned that I was susceptible to being bullied and it... it quickly advanced to... physical, where I would get beat up and shoved to the ground every other day on the playground. For this reason, I didn't enjoy school. I hated school, I hated people and... and honestly, most of all, I hated myself. Because as a child, I...I didn't understand. I felt like... ...somehow, I deserved it. My only respite, the only chance that I had to get away from it all, was to play video games. I used to rush home and start up the Super Nintendo. Or boot up my PC where I had Warcraft installed. These were the things that allowed me to somehow feel like I wasn't me. Because I didn't want to be me. I was incredibly sad. And from a very, very early age, I remember having suicidal thoughts. I remember thinking that not even my parents
want me to be here. Not even my brothers want me to be here. Why am I here? Why am I even trying? But the only thing that kept me from ever going down that path is the fact that I was so afraid...of what death meant. I...I didn't know.... what it was and it scared the hell out of me. I spent many sleepless nights thinking about
what would happen. How does...how does time pass when I'm gone. Who's gonna even have remembered that I existed. Things like that. So I pushed on. And I had...many examples. Looking at both my parents, looking at my brothers, of what NOT to do. Whether it was trying to make themselves happy through sports or drugs or alcohol, I could clearly see that none of that was working. So, I decided that school was going to be my thing. Learning. I had always gotten good grades, that's literally the only time I can remember getting compliments when I was younger. So I decided: I'm going to really buckle down and become a good student. Being a good student and getting good grades gave me enough confidence to try to start reaching out to people and in some cases, I even made a few friends. But I couldn't get over the self-doubt and the crippling social anxiety that I had and eventually, my feeling that I deserved to be alone
and that I was unlikable fueled the very reasons
why my friends split up from me. My own doubt that my friends liked me ended up being the thing that pushed them away almost creating this self-fulfilled prophecy. But like I said, I was a kid at the time. And I didn't know any better. I was just being me. And in the end I just thought:
Yea, this is me. This is my life. I deserve pain. I was even lucky enough to have a few girlfriends, growing up. However, the first one dumped me because I wasn't Christian enough for her, and the second one ended up being extremely physically abusive. Of course, I was used to this, though. So I thought: a) I deserved it and b) I can change and so can she. But, quite obviously, in the end, we ended up splitting and my heart was broken.... as well as my nose...and my face. She broke my nose. It was...it was not good. So eventually, I graduated from school
and I was still alive. I decided to go to the University of Minnesota
for college. My one thing I held on to was the fact that with my good grades, I was gonna get a good job. And I was gonna do very very well for myself. Now, most of my friends actually went to a different university, so I thought: Hell, this is gonna be
a good chance for a fresh start. And it actually was really really good. Because sometimes when you're stuck in a rut and people think you're a loser, even if you change, even if you change your mind
and act differently, people still treat you the same. It almost feels like people still want you to be that loser. So anyways, I had a fresh start. I got out of it and I met some people. Some people that I honestly connected with. Most of the time over video games but hell, that was one of my favorite things to do! So it was awesome. So then I graduated. I got my degree! It was fantastic. And before you know it,
I was thrown right into the mix. I'd go to my desk job every day and
then I'd come home... and do adult things like...sit on a couch and play a video game or watch Netflix... And that was my life. I was making enough money to survive, things were okay. But as a child, I fretted growing up
and working 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. and I soon felt unhappy about it. I felt like I wasn't doing as much as I should be doing. I felt some sort of higher calling. It was around this time that I actually got into watching YouTube videos. Because of how bored I was, because of
how not much was going on. So I got really into watching people on YouTube. Specifically, people playing games on YouTube. I was amazed at how many views they were getting
and how much love they received just for playing video games. I thought: Hell, I do that in my free time! So I started thinking to myself,
I went to Google and I said: Do YouTubers...make money? Can they...how do they have time to do that every day? And that got me thinking. Hmmm, I could somehow make my spare time
more productive. And exciting. I didn't like this nagging feeling
that I should be doing more. So I started a YouTube channel! Specifically, playing a lot of Minecraft. And given what I saw on YouTube, I thought:
Hell, I can do that! Heck, I'm gonna have 10 000 subscribers in a week! Of course, as many of you know, YouTube is NOT easy in any way, shape or form. And I got..little to no views. For a veeery long time. But I was determined. I decided that I was gonna put a looot of time...
and a looot of money into this. Because THIS felt like my calling. I could feel it, deep down. This was what I wanted to do. So eventually, with grinding away, day in day out, getting better and better every single day,
my views started going up. Things started happening! But it took an extremely long time. Very specifically, I remember the launch of Rebirth was kind of when everything started to take off. Rebirth of course being my favorite game. And by focusing on one game and getting good at it, I think it really really helped. So I thought: This was great! And I forgot to erase the angry eyebrows.
I'm not angry about this, I am very pleased. So eventually, working every single day on this, I found out that...my YouTube was
almost as successful as my work. And I would go to work every single day and just...daydream about doing YouTube. I wasn't thinking about doing work, I was thinking about making videos. What am I gonna play tonight?
How am I gonna up my views? How am I going to make my channel better?
How am I going to improve and do that? ...not so concerned about the work
that I was actually doing. Which is not a good thing, mind you. So, eventually, I decided...to take the leap. I quit my job and decided to do YouTube full-time! Now, things didn't really take off
like I thought they would. But once again, grinding away,
I've managed to do really well. In fact, I just recently hit 100 000 subscribers
and I could not be happier. I'm so excited. So this is the story! About how I fell into doing YouTube. I went through...a lot of shit in my life. And honestly, it turned me into this person
that I am today. I'm very proud of myself and I'm very happy to be me, which is such a change from what I felt when I was younger. And if you guys only take 1 thing away from this video, I hope it is that...no matter how bad life can get, no matter how much shit you get right in your face, you can change. You can be happy. You deserve to be happy! Everybody around you has their own problems going on. And if somebody mistreats you, and you didn't do anything wrong, that's...that's their problem. That's their fault. Don't think other people's problems are your fault. I took on my dad and my brothers' anger problems and thought that I deserved it. Thought that it was somehow my fault
and that nearly killed me. But the truth is, NOBODY deserves to be abused. Especially not a child. If it happens to you, if it HAPPENED to you,
it was NOT your fault. Somebody else had a problem. Somebody else has an addiction... somebody else did that to you but it's not your fault. Everybody has problems. Even your parents. Just because they were your parents, just because they were your brothers or your sisters doesn't mean that they knew better.
Doesn't mean that you deserved whatever you got. And YOU can choose to be better. You just need to forgive yourself. You need to forgive yourself for blaming yourself. And you need to forgive yourself for feeling sad about it. I really appreciate everything
that you guys have done for me and I just wanna thank you for giving me this opportunity to... to live out my dream job. It is absolutely amazing and
I wouldn't trade it for anything. So thank you guys so much! I love you all. And I will see you... in the next video. See you, guys!
