>> Stephen: [LAUGHS]
LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, EVERYBODY.
YEAH. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT Y'ALL BUT I'M A LITTLE, I'M A LITTLE OPRAH
HIGH. IT'S HARD TO COME BACK.
HARD TO COME DOWN WITH IT. HAVE TO COME DOWN GENTLE OFF OF
IT. PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT OPRAH
CAME OUT FOR "THE COLOR PURPLE" IN THE PURPLE OUTFIT.
WHEN ENDEA STARTED PLAYING, SHE WAS WEARING A WHITE SHIRT.
HE JUST TURNED PURPLE WHEN CAME OUT.
OPRAH MAGIC. COMING UP IN A FEW MINUTES, WE
HAVE TO GO ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL PERFORMERS.
DEEP ARTISTS COMING OUT HERE. GRETA GERWIG, THE DIRECTOR OF
"BARBIE," WILL BE OUT HERE JUST A MOMENT.
AND THE HOT PRIEST HIMSELF, ANDREW SCOTT FROM THE MOVIE "ALL
OF US STRANGERS WILL BE OUT HERE JUST A MOMENT.
LOVE BOTH OF THOSE FOLKS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, HONING
THE DAY'S FINEST NEWS RESIN INTO A SLEEK, TOPICAL STORY
BARREL AND CAP INLAID WITH AN ICONIC WHITE EMBLEM,
THEN ADDING A CURVED NIB, HAND-CRAFTED IN A.U. 750
18 KARAT GOLD TO CREATE FOR YOU THE TIMELESS YET ELEGANT
1924 MONTBLANC MEISTERSTUCK 149 FOUNTAIN PEN THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES,
WHILE ON THE RUN FROM FOREST RANGERS, I YANK A HALF-SCORCHED
BRANCH OUT OF MY EVIDENCE BURN PIT AND SCRAWL A MANIFESTO
ONTO THEALL OF MY CORRATED STEEL HIDEY-HOLE USING THE
THAT IS MY SEGMENT... >> "MEANWHILE"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: IT IS A WINDOW ON
THE WORLD. MEANWHILE, INVESTIGATIVE
JOURNALISTS ARE ASKING WHY CASES OF MOUNTAIN DEW, JOLLY RANCHERS,
AND SWEDISH FISH WERE JUST SEIZED IN THE U.K.
I'LL TAKE A STAB. 'CAUSE KING CHARLES IS BAKED?
[LAUGHTER] TURNS OUT,
PROBABLY DO HIM SOME GOOD. TURNS OUT,
THESE SWEET TREATS HAVE BEEN TAKEN OFF THE SHELVES
BECAUSE THEY CONTAIN INGREDIENTS THAT HAVE BEEN BANNED
IN THE UNITED KINGDOM. THEY'RE JUST LEARNING NOW THAT
MOUNTAIN DEW HAS DANGEROUS INGREDIENTS?
FOR YEARS, THEY'VE BEEN WARNING US THAT WE ARE AT CODE RED.
MEANWHILE, IN SHOCKING PRESIDENTIAL NEWS,
A BRONZE TOP HAT IS MISSING FROM AN ABRAHAM LINCOLN STATUE
IN KENTUCKY. MAN, LINCOLN'S HEAD JUST CAN'T
CATCH A BREAK. REALLY?
TOO SOON? AUTHORITIES ARE MYSTIFIED AS TO
WHO COULD HAVE DONE SUCH A THING.
THE SCULPTOR HIMSELF NOTED "THEY HAD TO BE STRONG
AND DETERMINED TO PRY BRONZE FROM A BASE."
OKAY, SO IT HAD TO BE SOMEONE DETERMINED, SOMEONE OBSESSED
WITH LINCOLN, BUT ALSO AN EVIL GENIUS WITH NO RESPECT FOR
THE LAW. MY MONEY'S ON
DORIS KEARNS BAD-WIN. MEANWHILE, IN ORDER TO STUDY
THEIR BRAIN ACTIVITY, SCIENTISTS HAVE MADE VR GOGGLES
FOR MICE SO THEY CAN FEEL WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE ATTACKED
BY A BIRD. OKAY, I JUST WANNA ASK, AND I
KNOW I'M KIND OF A BROKEN RECORD ON THIS: THE CANCER.
ALL CURED? SCIENCE, YOU'VE CURED ALL THE
CANCER? YOU'VE A LOT OF FREE TIME
TO WORK ON SHARPER IMAGE PRODUCTS FOR RODENTS?
ALSO, IF YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE V.R. FOR MICE, WHY MAKE IT
OF THE WORST POSSIBLE EXPERIENCE?
WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR HUMANS? "HERE, TRY THIS ON.
IT'S A SIMULATION OF A BOYFRIEND EXPLAINING THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN "STAR WARS" AND "STAR TREK."
OKAY, HE'S SMILING, BUT HE STILL SEEMS KINDA ANGRY."
MEANWHILE, AN AI-GENERATED JIMMY STEWART WILL NARRATE
A BEDTIME STORY FOR THE CALM APP.
'CAUSE NOTHING CALMS ME DOWN LIKE A HAUNTING DIGITAL VOCAL
RECONSTRUCTION OF THE DECEASED.
"WHAT'S THAT, MARY? MARY, YOU WANT ME TO LASSO THE
MOON? WELL, I CAN'T, Y'SEE.
THEY WON'T LET ME DIE. WHY WON'T THEY LET ME DIE, MARY?
DEAR GOD, DEAR GOD, I'M NOT MUCH OF A PRAYING MAN,
BUT I JUST WANT TO DIE, CLARENCE."
CLARENCE. GIMME SOME OF THAT POISON
YOU ALMOST GAVE THE BOY. I'M NOT THE ONE SAYING BRING
JIMMY STORED FAT FROM THE DEAD. I'M JUST SHOWING YOU THE
CONSEQUENCES. MEANWHILE, A TOMATO MISSING
AT THE SPACE STATION FOR MONTHS HAS BEEN FOUND BY NASA
ASTRONAUTS. NEXT THEY JUST HAVE TO FIND THE
MISSING GARLIC, BAGUETTE, AND OLIVE OIL AND SCIENCE
WILL BE ONE STEP CLOSER TO... SPACE BRUSCHETTA!
IT'S ONE SMALL DISH FOR MAN... NEVER QUITE ENOUGH FOR THE
TABLE. THIS PARTICULAR SPACE-MATO WENT
MISSING EIGHT MONTHS AGO, THIS IS TRUE.
THE FIRST EVER TO BE GROWN IN SPACE, AND HERE'S WHERE
THIS STORY GETS CRAZY. IT SEEMS NASA ASTRONAUT
FRANK RUBIO GREW THE TOMATO IN SPACE, BUT THEN IT DISAPPEARED,
WHICH LED TO SPECULATION BY THE OTHER ASTRONAUTS ONBOARD
THAT HE HAD EATEN IT IN SECRET, THUS CONSUMING IMPORTANT
SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH IN A FIT OF DESIRE FOR FRESH PRODUCE,
EVEN MORE DAMNING, IT HAD BEEN CLEARLY LABELED IN THE SPACE
STATION FRIDGE "DEB'S TOMATO."
NOW, THE CASE OF THE MISSING TOMATO EVEN WENT ALL THE WAY TO
THE TOP, WITH NASA'S DEPUTY ADMINISTRATOR PAM MELROY
ASKING RUBIO IF HE HAD EATEN IT. AND RUBIO ANSWERING
"I WISH I HAD AT THIS POINT, BECAUSE I EVERYBODY THINKS
I DID." IS THIS TRUE?
WE HAVE FOOTAGE FROM NASA OF THE ASTRONAUTS FIGHTING OVER
THE TOMATO. >> ADMIT IT!
YOU TOOK THE TOMATO! >> I DIDN'T TAKE IT!
>> YES, YOU DID! GIVE IT BACK TO ME!
YOU ATE THE TOMATO! >> I DIDN'T EAT IT!
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GRETA GERWIG.
♪ ♪
