THIS IS A Narcissists WORST NIGHTMARE! (What They Fear The Most) | Lisa Romano

today's video we're going to talk about how you can become the narcissist's worst nightmare [Music] so if you don't know shahida arabi you should this is her book and shahida is a youtuber and an amazing author and i want to share with you this book because i think if you're interested in studying about narcissism and you want to get a grip on understanding how narcissistic abuse has affected your life if you're someone who has just been kicked out of a narcissistic relationship in other words you've experienced the discard or if you're somebody who knows someone else who you think might be living with a narcissist or married to a narcissist this book is a wonderful book to understand what narcissism is all about and it really gives you practical tools and ideas about how to recover from this thing called narcissistic abuse you can talk to people who have never been in this type of a relationship and you can actually be re-traumatized because this is not the average relationship this is not the average breakup this is not the average marriage nor is it the average divorce if you are the child of a narcissist you may not be understood by a lot of people that you talk to who don't know what it's like to grow up with a narcissistic mother or a narcissistic father let's say you're the daughter of a narcissistic mother narcissistic mothers have been known to be jealous envious of their daughters and it is so unnatural to have this experience as a child to love your mother and yet be rejected persecuted scorned abandoned and to have a mother be actually jealous of you it it boggles your mind when you are that child because you know it doesn't make sense and you're traumatized and your brain is triggered and you want to try to explain what you think and feel to people but you just don't have the words you know that other people aren't going to get it you know narcissistic mothers have been known to show one face in public and there is another face behind closed doors and this type of abuse we have to recognize that it doesn't happen out in public in most cases although some forms of narcissistic abuse do in most of the cases narcissistic abuse is happening inside the car when no one else is around you're getting berated and yelled at and experiencing verbal abuse and and worse narcissistic abuse happens in the bedroom in the living room and in the kitchen when the doors are locked and the windows are closed and there are no neighbors to bear witness to what you're experiencing and so i think it's awesome that we have the ability today to share our stories survivor stories with one another it helps us feel not so crazy and not so invisible it helps us find a way to feel seen and feel understood that we might not be able to feel in our families how many of us come from narcissistic families where our siblings are flying monkeys where a narcissistic mother or a narcissistic father has claimed a golden child and now as a result of this separation between the siblings and this hierarchy which is very unnatural now there is triangulation now there is gaslighting there is projection there is a feeling of being on the out with the narcissistic mom and then the children what do they do do they stick with the narcissistic mom or do they go against her and risk her wrath you know all sorts of terrible things happen when you come from a narcissistic family and i think one of the most challenging things aside from what's happening inside the family and inside the relationships is that there are a lot of people who are just not going to understand and there are going to be people who will say oh you're exaggerating it can't be that bad well that's someone who never had a narcissistic mother or a narcissistic father or a narcissistic wife or a narcissistic husband you know or a narcissistic neighbor who was just made them the target of a terrible smear campaign online in the neighborhood you know if you haven't been the target of someone's persecution and vengeance and you haven't been drawn in by a narcissist love bombed gaslighted and had your mind twisted then you know if you haven't had that experience that's awesome good for you and i'm so grateful that you have been touched by this but if you are someone who has been touched by this you have to recognize that there are going to be times when you try to explain yourself where the words are not going to come and the intensity that you feel is going to be difficult to share with other people and that's why i think it's so helpful to come together and share stories share survivor stories to read about narcissism to listen about narcissism and to gain insight and wisdom not only from clinicians but from people who have actually been there from people who actually have survived and that's why i really do appreciate the work of shahida and so shahida wrote a book becoming the narcissist's nightmare how to devalue discard the narcissist while supplying yourself and it's a bestseller in personality disorders and abuse and sexual abuse and i believe it's very well deserved so what i want to do is i want to read you it's the beginning of the book page six and page seven she does a wonderful job at helping a survivor understand what she's trying to convey so if you think about being the victim of narcissistic abuse what have you gone through right you've been idealized then you've been devalued you've been gaslighted you've been projected upon you've experienced triangulation smear campaign you know you've been pushed off the pedestal you know it's like you know a very difficult thing to come back from when you have been lured in and you've been vulnerable with someone and they have been so callous with how they treat you and so shahida again wants people to it's all about empowering victims of narcissistic abuse and i really appreciate her heart i really appreciate what she brings to the arena it's purposeful it's actionable and it works and so i just want to read a little bit from her book and i really hope that if you're if you want to read more you actually pick her book up shahida does not know that i'm doing this video i'm actually mentioned in the book but she doesn't know that i'm doing this video and so i don't want anyone to think that i'm getting a paid endorsement to endorse a book i'm not and i don't get any kickback from shahida this is me sharing what i believe is very valuable information because i appreciate what she brings to the table i appreciate that she's bringing life skills it's not just information it's really the desire to help you empower your life and that's what i appreciate in her so to become a narcissist's worst nightmare the very same techniques that narcissists use on us are very are the very same ones we must use to get over them confused let me explain i am not suggesting becoming a narcissist ourselves or being cruel not at all these techniques will not be employed in the same way as a narcissist uses them they will be adapted to detach from the narcissist altogether read the following and see if you agree with me here so what shahida is saying is that essentially you're going to turn the tables on a narcissist and that this is going to allow you to detach mentally emotionally physically psychologically and spiritually so that you can find the space to heal so she goes on to say you once idealized the narcissist put him or her on a pedestal after he or she did the same to you you saw them as the love of your life at least you saw their false self as the love of your life now you must devalue and discard the narcissist both in your mind and in your physical reality if you're still maintaining contact with him or her somehow in this book these terms will not only be explained in the context of abuse but be adapted to the survivor's own journey of detaching and healing from a narcissist so here shahida is saying that in order to heal from narcissistic abuse you're going to have to devalue who the narcissist is in your life you're going to have to discard the narcissists from your life literally get them out of your life go no contact gray rock shotishati as i say but you're going to have to devalue the importance that they have over you so that is a very important step devaluing the narcissist means reconnecting with the reality of who the narcissist is not who you wish them or her to be the false self they once presented to you in essence devaluing in this context means dismantling your perception of their false self and replacing it with the reality of their true self their abusive self discarding the narcissist means going no contact with the narcissist or low contact if you share children have legal matters to sort out with a narcissist or have any other circumstances that prevent you from cutting all ties with this person this involves giving yourself closure by not giving the narcissist any so discarding the narcissist means that you're cutting ties just like the narcissist uses this as a weapon of destruction against you they pull you in you know they don't like what you say or they find a another source of narcissistic supply that meets their need in the moment and they discard you they devalue you so what shahida is suggesting that in to become the narcissist's worst nightmare to make the narcissist miserable you have to learn to devalue and discard the narcissist yourself re-idealizing and supplying yourself refers to using the tips and tools i mentioned in chapter 3 to release the toxic brainwashing from your narcissistic partner and begin to heal some of the biochemical and trauma bonds that have tethered you to the narcissistic abuse this also involves creating a healthier positive reverse discourse that substitutes self-defeating beliefs with empowering ones about yourself so re-idealizing means that you're going to essentially begin to take care of yourself so you're going to begin nurturing yourself having self-compassion for yourself right so instead of idealizing someone else you take all of this amazing mojo all this amazing energy and the ability to idealize it all and you're going to give that ability to yourself you're going to start esteeming yourself triangulation in this case means welcoming new people into your life that will serve as a support network to you during this time all this time the narcissist has triangulated you with others to validate their own sense of superiority now you must triangulate your narcissist with a new support system to validate your experiences this is not meant to make the narcissist jealous it is meant to give you yourself the resources and empowerment you need to heal very very important that you think about this idea of triangulation when it comes to becoming the narcissist nightmare so rather than stay isolated rather than avoid your family rather than avoid your best friend right so many people who suffer from narcissistic abuse are ashamed maybe your family told you don't get involved with her or don't get involved with him and now all of their fears have been proven and now they're justified and you might be embarrassed it's really important that you don't get stuck in that space that's exactly where an abuser where a narcissist want you to sit they want you in that space of isolation they don't want you to reach out for help so the first thing that you have to do is triangulate them back according to shahida at least this is one of the things that she suggests you do to become a narcissist worst nightmare is to use triangulation to empower you so you get right back into the swing of things you reach out to your friends if those friends aren't there for you that you used to hang out with and you find a new network of people who understand where you're coming from when you do this you're essentially triangulating the narcissist out of this new community of people who will build you up and who will support you on the road to recovery due to your empathy and ability to emotionally connect this triangulation has the added benefit of adding to your psychological resilience having at least one person who has your back and can snap you back to reality who knows what you've been through is invaluable having a whole community of other survivors who have your back well now you're bound to be invincible shahida also goes on to explain reverse gaslighting reverse gaslighting means that whenever the narcissist tries to pull a fast one on you being able to use the knowledge about their manipulative tactics can help you distance yourself this means go no contact or low contact in response to their silent treatment their stonewalling and their petty put downs and manipulation in order to prevent yourself from being pulled right back into their mind games reverse gaslight the narcissist by saying mentally to their accusations projections and gaslighting tactics i don't believe you that's not what happened i know my truth and i owe my truth reverse gaslighting the narcissist is not actually gaslighting it involves staying grounded in your reality and your own powerful powerful truth while invalidating the lies of the narcissist this will help to relieve some of the cognitive dissonance you may have been experiencing as a result of being in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser who often distorts and manipulates your perception of reality shihido goes on to say create a false self for the time being that serves as armor if and when you have to interact with the narcissist or even just start ruminating over them this self is the strong logical self that you must wear as you begin to detach and heal from a narcissist the one you may not feel like during the no contact or low contact but the one you must be in order to resist their attempts to re-traumatize you and bring you back into the relationship by pressing the reset buttons use this self to interact with the narcissist if you have to interact with them using the false self enables you to be self protective centered and unreactive mirror them when you have to much like they mirrored you during the idealization phase by withdrawing from them when they withdraw rather than pleading and begging for them strive not to mirror them when they attempt to pull you back into the trauma of the relationship do not share secrets and do not make them privy to your innermost feelings in fact i encourage you not to disclose anything about your personal life once you've realized your partner may be a narcissist you are permitted to stop giving any information in the case with a narcissist may try to emotionally blackmail or manipulate you they played mind games all along now it's their turn to not have the facts at hand another thing that she suggests that we do to become the narcissist's worst nightmare is finally think of the narcissist as supply you do not need them because you have other sources of attention healthier resources you can think of them as rotten supply they cannot work for you anymore because they are not functional adults in relationships they are children in adult bodies doing real harm to others so you see it's not about becoming the narcissist stooping down to their level or even counter manipulating them it's about conquering your own thoughts your beliefs and actions regarding the narcissist and adapting the very same techniques that she he or she used to entrap you in the first place except in this case you use them to set yourself free narcissists underestimate a survivor's willpower you see a survivor who has been discarded and has nothing left to lose is capable of every success imaginable ultimately it is not your ability to beat the narcissist at his or her own game that frightens them playing games with someone with no remorse or empathy is sure to fail rather it is your ability to seek your own validation and move forward into your success channeling the experiences that were meant to destroy you into your greatest victories that is appalling to the predators how dare their former victims become independent of their bullying and become even greater in spite of it oh but they can and they will so as you i mean that's just page six seven eight nine right shahida does an amazing job at helping a survivor of narcissistic abuse dig deep and understand what went wrong you know a big problem i think that so many narcissistic abuse survivors have is that they don't understand what happened it feels like an emotional relationship hit and run it's like how did i get here you know i love this person this person said that they love me this person met my family this person wanted to meet my children they lack empathy they don't have the same emotional responses that a healthy person would to someone else's pain they might scan the environment and they might think oh this is the way i have to act because that person just said something sad or you know harmful or whatever or this is an emotional moment and then i need to act like i'm upset about it right but it's not real and it's used to make sure that you remain a source of narcissistic supply and it's difficult it's difficult to wake up one day and recognize that you have been entrapped by someone with narcissism that you love someone or you love their false self but you don't know that and when you start to awaken from the idea that you loved someone's false self that is very mind bending that is like some twilight stuff like twilight zone stuff like what is really going on here like who is this person you know what did i have with you like what was this relationship all about if you could devalue me if you could discard me if you can cheat on me if you can mock me if you can make fun of the way i smile make fun of the way that i walk make fun of the way that i talk put me down in front of our children triangulate me to my own family like what is happening here i thought that you loved me you said you loved me and coming out of that and recognizing narcissistic abuse for narcissistic abuse once you recognize narcissistic abuse for what it is it can be very very healing because that's when the pieces of the puzzle start to make sense when you begin to realize that you married someone who had no intention of getting from point a to point b then you begin to understand your personal frustration become a narcissist's worst nightmare really is to regain your independence it really is to regain your autonomy it really is the ability to see the narcissist fully and not through rose-colored glasses which is really hard because when you start to accept what you have been involved with you have to face the grief the loneliness the shame the abandonment the trauma of what just happened and like i said it feels like a relationship hit and run and no it's not easy to heal from narcissistic abuse someone in my family that i love very much is still on the recovery path from this and it absolutely has felt like even to us like a hit and run like what happened a narcissist doesn't have remorse the narcissist is on on to the next victim on to the next source of narcissistic supply you know and you're left with all this baggage all of this emotional baggage you know you've given your heart to someone and it has been used for their own gain and so it takes time to see what happened and to understand narcissistic narcissistic abuse for what it is to understand the phase and the cycle of narcissistic abuse now if you're a victim of narcissistic abuse that's confusing because you want to know why they treated you the way they treated you and it to me it mirrors like when we were children when you're a child and you're being pushed away by mommy or daddy and you're being abandoned rejected or persecuted that your little mind thinks it's all your fault you assume blame for it right and so our little minds go oh it's my fault and we think maybe if i get an a or maybe if i'm quiet or maybe if i'm i find a way to be good enough then maybe mommy will love me maybe daddy will love me there's some hope at the end of that it's dysfunctional because the reality is a child is not responsible for the abandonment of mother or father or the neglect of mother and father but when you're a little child thinking that maybe it's your fault gives you a little bit of hope that maybe one day you know maybe one day maybe one day when you're dealing as an adult with a narcissist and you're trying to make sense of out of the abuse and there's no way to make sense out of it you stay on that path you you keep trying to make them happy you know so if they're upset because the potatoes weren't warm enough you make sure that they're warm enough the next day or if they're upset that you went out with your friends then you make sure not to go out with your friends or you make sure to ask for permission or you have a friend ask them for permission for you you're just kind always fumbling for a way to try to make the narcissist happy you're trying to figure out how to make them happy and that's part of the problem so if you want to become a narcissist worst nightmare then i think that shahida's advice is pretty on point you have to turn the tables you have to devalue them you have to idealize yourself you have to discard them you have to triangulate them you have to gaslight them with no that's not true you have to hold on to yourself you have to seek independence what a narcissist wants is a narcissist wants enmeshment they want to have control over your mind body and soul so you deciding where you're going to go who you're going to hang out with what you're going to say what you think and what you feel what you believe you're deciding about what what is your next move you deciding whether or not you want to talk to them or you don't want to talk to them you taking back control you finding your independence you saying enough is enough by felicia that's how you become the narcissist worst nightmare i just want to say thank you to shahida for this amazing book and for anyone out there who is struggling with narcissistic abuse i want to thank you for staying on this path i want you to understand that as you heal the darkness within that's been created because of childhood or a repetition of childhood neglect inside an adult relationship i need you to know i'd like you to know that as you heal from that you become more light-bodied in other words you find the light within you're overcoming this darkness you're overcoming these wounds you're processing what has been so you're releasing this negative energy within you and when you do that guess what you become a lighter being you become able to enhance your own light and take in more love and what does that do that that makes your life better that makes the planet better that makes the lives of your children better and everyone that you know as you heal you help heal the world so i just want to thank you for being here i want to thank you for being on this path and i want to encourage you to keep going and learning everything that you can about narcissistic abuse because that's the last thing a narcissist wants you to do a narcissist doesn't want you to go no contact a narcissist doesn't want you to devalue them a narcissist doesn't want you to discard them narcissist doesn't want you to triangulate them lions and tigers and bears oh my narcissist doesn't want you to say no a narcissist doesn't want you to gain your independence gain your autonomy the way i was able to pull myself away from this is i submerged myself in codependent recovery or codependency recovery you know i learned everything i could about coming growing up in a dysfunctional home and and being around the co-dependent narcissistic mommy and daddy and absorbing all of those rules and not realizing they became my subconscious set point and that this became a way of life for me repeating this pattern i didn't know that but once i realized that once i went to therapy i was diagnosed with codependency and depression that's when i was put on the right path and that's when i read codependent no more another amazing book if you're interested in the codependency and narcissism dynamic i would definitely check out co-dependent no more by melody baby great book help me put the pieces of the puzzle together the end of the day we're all here to evolve and when you are have been abused by a narcissist they kind of like expunge your light a little bit right that's what they want to do and when you heal from narcissistic abuse what ends up happening is you find your light your light opens up and you have the ability to become more bright than you ever have in your life it does take time in my case i had to go through a number of relationships after my first divorce to like really get this in my head you know because the first time wasn't enough i had to go through it again and again and again until finally for me for me the big aha moment the last time i was in a relationship was i was still ignoring red flags there were still red flags that my internal guidance system was telling me about and i still denied them i still went no i can't be even though every fiber in my being said look at that look at that look at that my instincts told me and turns out that i was right in the end once i verified this gut instinct turns out that i was right so i think that's a big thing that we have to get back to we have to get back into alignment with our internal guidance system right but we also have to give ourselves a break because if you came from a dysfunctional home guess what you've been taught not to trust that internal guidance system and dear one that is absolutely not your fault if you want to become a narcissist's worst nightmare it's important that you check out shahida's book and you also consider the tips and tricks that she offers us so willingly and so honestly on her youtube channel i will add a link to shahida's youtube channel in the description box go say hello go let her know you saw this video and encourage you to keep doing what she's doing because she makes the world a better place too namaste everybody until next time bye for now i bow to the love and light that is absolutely in you bye for now if you love this content check out the next video and don't forget to click the link below so you can take the codependency quiz now when you grow up in a home where you feel invisible you have to understand that you're part of a certain system you're part of a particular paradigm and this paradigm can be completely corrupt

Channel: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

Views: 204,430

Rating: 4.9247465 out of 5

Keywords: emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, become a narcissists worst nightmare, how to make narcissist leave you alone, how to make narcissist miserable, discard the narcissist, lisa a romano, what narcissist are afraid of, narcissist, narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, what are narcissists afraid of, what narcissist fear most, get the narcissist out of your head, how to get narcissist out of your life, narcissistic survivor, videos, how to become narcissists worst nightmare

Id: iGUzRBTCmT4

Length: 30min 14sec (1814 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 19 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Tygrrrchic]

I’ve been following Lisa Romano on YT for recovery from narcissist abuse for years, but today I realized as I watched this video release that everything she describes about the narcissist is completely true for leadership of a cult. Same tactics, same goals, but there is an escape route and a new life ahead. Just leaving is not enough you have to address your emotional health and recovery.

[u/Tygrrrchic]

Valid observation. Having lived through and escaped from a marriage to a narcissist abuser, I have witnessed what happens when there is even a hint that they might be losing a grip on control. They never accept responsibility, twist and recreate history to make you think you’re crazy, any failures are your fault, keep up the shiny facade to the outside world. Appearances count more than anything.

[u/SomethingLocal1]

It’s because at the heart of Mormon doctrine is a narcissistic belief. Not only did we find the real god, more powerful and great than anything we can imagine, and said, “I can become that too.”