6 Hard TRUTHS People Don't Want to Hear

let's talk today about radical acceptance i've talked about radical acceptance in quite a few of my talks here before not necessarily calling it out directly but really looking at how important it is to accept certain things about ourselves and about life instead of living in a constant state of resistance that causes suffering now sometimes we choose radical acceptance to be able to look at something and say this is what it is not that i'm going to resign myself to it and say well this is just the way it is there's nothing i can do about it i'm just going to lay down and and and be okay with it but as a way to say this is the reality what do i want to do about it if there's something about myself that i don't like maybe i get angry really easily or i'm not the best best with money or i get really jealous of other people for seemingly small things resisting that and denying it and pretending it's not happening is not going to help us actually deal with it being able to take a step back and say okay i accept that this is where i'm at right now this is what's happening right now this is my current state of being what do i want to do about it and so we choose radical acceptance as our starting ground to be able to say this is what it is now what do i want to do and from there we can come up with solutions we can start working on it and moving through it as opposed to just beating ourselves up about it or feeling terrible about it or even just denying it or avoiding it or pretend it doesn't exist and not accepting it we can't really do anything from there we've got nowhere to go from there so it does often start with that radical acceptance but today i want to talk about a little bit of a different concept within under the same umbrella of radical acceptance and these are the things in life that we can't necessarily change it's just sort of the reality but then when we resist this reality it creates that suffering because it just sort of is the way that it is there's not a lot we can do about it and then you know getting upset about it or rejecting it or denying it is just keeping us in a state of tension that doesn't need to be there and if we choose to just accept that this is the way some of these things are and nothing has gone terribly wrong if they are this way then we can move with it instead of resisting against it and create so much more joy and ease and freedom for ourselves if you are like what exactly is she talking about right now i'm gonna give you some very specific examples it's going to become really clear and i hope that you blow your own mind with what you're going to learn today because for me personally once i just really started to accept these things so much of my own anxiety and my own stress and my own resistance and just sort of my own my own suffering and life went down significantly once i just started to accept instead of resist some of these truths so i hope you will have that exact same experience as i did as we go through them if you're new here welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet take a second and introduce yourself in the comment section below if you're back again it's always good to have you if you're a shifter say hello shifters it's always good to have you here and what is a shifter a shifter is someone who is part of my membership community the shift society where we are taking this work that i teach on here on my channel we're taking it to a deeper level and i teach you a step-by-step mind and emotional management tool to be able to manage your mind and emotions no matter whoever or whatever is happening around you and we go deep into this work guided supported and held accountable in community and with me uh the entire way through so you can get more information about that in the description below either way my name is julia christina and i help heart-centered humans break through the crap that is holding them back so that they can like themselves and their lives more every day and resisting these things resisting these uncomfortable truths can really hold us back and i actually posted this on my instagram you can get the link for that i'm gonna put it in the description below it is down there now where you can just see this post on instagram but i want to go through and expand on them and explain them because i think they are really important truths so let's get into it the first uncomfortable truth that is important to accept instead of resist is that pain in life is inevitable all of us have been through painful things some more than others but so often we get stuck in this place of like why me why did this have to happen to me and saying like what has gone wrong in my life that i've had to go through this pain and i've had to experience these things and not that those things were right but the concept of experiencing pain in life doesn't mean that things have gone wrong that part of life is painful for some of us a big part of life is painful now our goal is to have the good just slightly outweigh the bad right we want to hopefully they're going for like a 51 49 sort of split overall sort of in general to help make it all worth it and for most of us that is at least the truth and for some of us we're fighting to get to that 51 but knowing that pain in life as is inevitable and we sit there and kind of think that like this shouldn't happen this isn't okay you know why does this have to happen to me or why did i have to go through this or why am i experiencing this or why do i have to feel this and resisting it instead of just being like yeah you know why not me no one deserves to go through difficult hard or painful things i didn't deserve it nobody else deserves it it's part of life and it sucks but it is part of human experience is pain and suffering is just part of it since the beginning of time it's always been part of it we never were kind of guaranteed that we'd get a free ride and nobody does so really getting in there and accepting that and and again i'm not saying that you're not allowed to be upset about it and say i wish this hadn't happened and this is hard and this sucks but thinking that something has gone terribly wrong because we go through hard things is not accurate pain in life is inevitable similarly to this another uncomfortable truth is that life is not supposed to be easy i think we get ourselves so frustrated sometimes thinking why is this hard why does this have to be hard this shouldn't be hard why do i have to deal with this why do i have to feel this right instead of just being like you know this is just part of it again life was never promised that it would be easy life never said it would be smooth sailings even if you do everything right life still never promised that you'd get exactly what you wanted and things would go the way that you expected them to and you'd have a smooth ride life is not supposed to be easy for anyone and of course we go through periods in our lives we go through kind of those ebbs and flows where sometimes things are easier and sometimes we're kind of more in that state of flow and then challenges come up and i think sometimes when those challenges come up we get really thrown off and we're like oh my gosh this is not okay i can't handle this this is so awful why do i have to deal with this instead of just being like yup here's a challenge here's something that i'm gonna have to deal with here's pain that i'm gonna have to experience discomfort that i'm gonna have to move with and move through something i'm gonna have to do that i may not want to do but that is just part of it not to say that i have to love it or like it or like be skipping through the mountains right on my way there and be like this is great we're allowed to say this sucks but nothing has gone wrong that it's not fun we don't have to like it but it's not that things have gone wrong if it's not always easy this is just what the human condition experiences is what human beings experience is things that are tough challenging hard setbacks failures rejections hurts it's part of the human experience and we can kind of just take a step back and accept it and be like yeah this is just part of it then we can move with and through it and handle it versus resisting it rejecting it or rejecting ourselves through it the next uncomfortable truth that is important to accept is that we can't make anyone want to change and oh my gracious goodness i have tried i am a therapist and i can't make anyone want to change if a therapist can't make anyone want to change then goodness knows the rest of the general population shouldn't expect themselves to be able to make someone want to change now we can encourage people we can offer people ideas we can offer people advice if they want it which you know not everybody does right we can we can we can talk to people we can support people we can be there for people we can't make them want to change and change and what i know for sure is that people who change because someone else wants them to change it usually ends up going terribly wrong because the person doesn't want to change they're just doing it because this person wants them to and so then they kind of resist themselves through and kind of force themselves to change and then end up in a state that they don't actually want to be in we end up in a place or you know whatever the change that they were supposed to make they end up doing that and then start resenting that person from making them do it when it doesn't feel right it's not even actually what they want and it causes more problems than necessary and so it is hard when we can't make another grown up adult want to change but accepting that and accepting again that they will likely not change i know that's hard to hear a lot of times we get close to people we get to know people and we see their potential and we think like if only they would do this then everything would be great if only they could be more like this if only they deal with this then everything would be great we would be happy the relationship would be strong you know they wouldn't have to struggle i wouldn't have to struggle be so much better but they don't because maybe they don't want to maybe they don't even think that they can which again we it's not our job to try and convince someone or force someone to think that they can we can be there to offer support and we can you know again give guidance and we can be there for them but we can't do it for them and a lot of times people don't change because it's not what they want it might be what you want but it's not what they want and if people are not making changes based on what they want then it's not going to last and again it's often going to create more problems than it solves and so being able to say and accept this is the way that this person is they i can't make them want to change they probably won't change in any kind of big life-altering way chances are can i accept it can i accept them am i willing to take them as they are or do i want to decide that i'm just not interested in being close if this is what they are offering accept what they are offering or decide you don't want what they're offering and take your distance or move along but resisting and continuing to wait for someone to change and trying to force them to change and thinking that everything will be better that when they change and you're just waiting putting everything else on hold until they do change or else getting terribly upset when they don't change is creating unnecessary suffering another important truth that is important to accept is that love can hurt just because we love someone just because we feel close to someone just because we trust someone it doesn't mean that we're not vulnerable to being hurt which many of you know that people that we love that we feel close to that we feel connected to they still can do things that we don't like that we don't want that we don't expect that aren't exactly perfectly in lined with what makes us feel fantastic all the time and it can hurt so relationships are supposed to be able to withstand hurt as long as the hurts are infrequent and repaired so many of us have been through hurtful and harmful things in our lives so we have this sort of like one strike in your out sort of thing like if one person crosses me one time or does one little thing or upsets me or cancels on me or you know just like goes and hangs out with someone without inviting me just one time there that's it they left me out they didn't do this right i don't like it i don't need it like i am out instead of knowing that yeah close relationships they sometimes get a little messy we can be disappointed it can hurt in relationships people can do things that do that we that we interpret as hurtful and we can get hurt about it but not just writing people off right away when that happens accepting that in any kind of close relationship if you're going to be close sometimes it's going to get messy now i'm not saying obviously you all know that not if it's like abusive or like really harmful or like really cruel of course you know that that's what i'm talking about i'm talking about sort of those little things that can come up and again the hurts are infrequent and repaired but being close to someone doesn't mean that you're never going to feel hurt you're never going to feel disappointed that things are never going to you know that they're always going to be perfect and smooth sailing it's just not the way that it is another truth that's important to accept is that hate can hurt more so many of us are hanging on to resentment bitterness hate towards someone probably for good reason i'm not here to judge or tell you what to think or feel about any other human being that is completely up to you but getting stuck in that bitterness and that disdain eats us up it's like that saying of that resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies knowing that hate and hanging onto hate can hurt so much and so again i'm not saying that you have to forgive and forget and be like it's all good no problem you know whatever whatever and just sort of skip along with your life but figuring out a way to release the hate to be able to go through an honest process of forgiveness a forgiveness that doesn't mean like i forgive you and all is forgotten and you know you know it's as if it never happened but being able to come to a point where we forgive for ourselves to be able to say i release this i release you from this hold on me no matter what you did i'm not going to keep giving you the right to disrupt my life with my thoughts and feelings of hate the next uncomfortable truth that's important to accept is that our triggers can teach us i have taught about this here before i have videos on triggers about having to get to know your triggers that often we like try to avoid things that trigger us and again i'm not talking about triggers in like the ptsd sense of the word but just triggers in so far as like those big emotions that come up where we're like ah like something happens and we have this kind of like fight or flight response where big feelings come up and then we end up kind of reacting to that and usually the emotion that comes up is disproportionate to the actual event itself so something small will happen we'll have a big reaction because it's hitting like a sore spot it's hitting a vulnerable spot and so often we try to avoid things that trigger big emotions instead of stepping in and saying okay i might get triggered but i'm going to use this to teach me i'm going to use this trigger to get curious about what's going on what's coming up what's feeling threatened what's happening what's feeling vulnerable what's feeling hurt and why and then i'm gonna learn from that i'm gonna grow from that that's a lot of the work we do in the shift society i walk you through a process to get clear on that and then to be able to move through triggers and again there's information about the shift society in the description below but we do a lot of this work a lot of the work is on triggers and emotional reactions and you know getting really upset about stuff and how to deal with that how to manage that how to stop that so that we can be living more fully and freely feeling more calm and grounded centered and confident every day our triggers can be there to teach us if we let them another important truth that's important to accept is that some people will only love you for your yes for my people pleasers for my over functioners for my overly giving generous loving people who come from a good place of wanting to do things for other people and on the flip side that fear if you don't then they won't value you or want you or have time for you and the truth is is that yep that is the truth for some people in your life not for everyone there will be people who actually have room for you to take up space in the relationship which any healthy relationship should have available is space for both but some people will only love you for your yes it's an uncomfortable truth we do this again we talk about this a lot in both my boundaries course and in the boundaries workshops in the shift society that we do as we talk about this and how hard it can be that as you start to set boundaries as you start to be more comfortable and confident in yourself and put your own limits and consider yourself and not do everything for everyone all the time there will be some people that will you know either overtly or discreetly remove themselves from your life they only want you in their in your life for what you can do for them for your yes they don't want you as a person they want what you can do and that's going to be painful and it's going to be hard and i'm not saying that it's right it's just the way that it is with some people not everyone don't get me wrong this isn't everyone but there will be some people and it's important to actually realize and to continue to have boundaries even if people remove themselves from your life because it kind of just shows you what kind of relationship it was in the first place and the truth is most of us sort of know those people that we know if i don't keep doing what they're doing in the way that they want me to doing to do it they will probably stop showing up and if that's the case is it really someone that you had a real authentic relationship with in the first place similarly on this same vein an important truth to accept is no matter how much you give there will be some people who never think it's enough if you're trying to gain approval or acceptance from someone in your life maybe it's a parent maybe it's a sibling maybe it's a good friend maybe it's even a partner where you're trying so hard to get their approval to get their love and their validation and their acceptance and you feel like you do so much and it's never enough accepting that it probably never will be and i'm not saying in a partnership where you know like you have like a partner and you guys are going back and forth like i want you to do this i want you to pick up your stuff and i want you to you know put your dishes away and i want you to like take the garbage out or you know clean the toilet or whatever that is and it's like i want my partner to continue to be involved and invested and keep doing things i want us to both keep doing things to kind of keep things going and to share the burden and to share all the responsibilities and yeah there's always more to do i'm not talking about that where it's like oh it's never enough you know this person always wants me to do more yeah you know when it comes to running a home having a family you know finances and all that kind of stuff yeah there it always it always keeps going it's never done there's always more to do but i'm talking more about those people where you're like i'm trying so hard to be generous then to give to them to consider them but they're always coming at me they're always complaining they're always criticizing me for not doing enough they're always finding ways to kind of put me down for being selfish or you know like not caring about them and they're making a big deal out of stuff and it feels awful and i'm trying so hard knowing that it's not about you they are trying to get you to fill a void in them about feeling good enough feeling important enough that you cannot fill because we cannot do that for someone else that is an inside job so knowing that no matter how much you do it will never be enough and so decide how much you're willing to give to the extent that you can sustain it or that you want to or that's important to you to invest in the relationship in this way without the expectation that the person will say it's enough but you're doing it because that's what's important to you and that's what you want to give then there won't be that frustration resentment when it's not enough because you're not doing it to get their approval or their satisfaction of enoughness you're doing it for yourself you see how that works sometimes we need to have limits well no not sometimes we all have limits some of us need to have better limits limits that are a little closer in not so close in but a little further in to be protecting and sustaining and supporting ourselves by learning how to say no to some things and i have a free guide for you for that it's called 25 ways to say no letting ourselves have limits giving our permission ourselves permission to take and protect our own space the space that we need to be able to thrive being able to just say no with more freedom because i know so many of us struggle with that it's going to get you started on that 25 ways to say no it's free it's in the description and also come on get come and get on the wait list for the shift society we're doing this deeper work there getting supported boundaries getting clear on who you are what you want what's important to you dealing with triggers managing your mind and emotions no matter whatever and whoever is going on around you we do all of this work get more information in the description below and then come and join us there until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 22,993

Keywords: radical acceptance, what is radical acceptance, how to learn radical acceptance, how to practice radical acceptance, hard truths, Alux.com, bright side, self respect, marsha linehan, lavendaire, harsh truth, brutal truth, important truth, dbt skills, hard truth to swallow, how to be more accepting, accepting change, resisting change

Id: lbqx7qsNWy8

Length: 23min 28sec (1408 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 09 2021