WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WE'RE ALL-- WE'RE ALL STILL
RECOVERING FROM TRUMP'S STATE OF THE UNION. THIS SHOW WAS LIVE LAST NIGHT,
WHICH EXPLAINS WHY TODAY I AM DEAD. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BEFORE THE SHOW, I WAS BACK STAGE CHUGGING RED BULL AND
LICKING NINE-VOLT BATTERIES JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE ONLY MOMENT FROM LAST NIGHT THAT ANYONE'S GOING TO REMEMBER
IS WHEN TRUMP MADE THIS THREAT: >> AN ECONOMIC MIRACLE IS TAKING
PLACE IN THE UNITED STATES, AND THE ONLY THING THAT CAN STOP IT
ARE FOOLISH WARS, POLITICS, OR RIDICULOUS PARTISAN
INVESTIGATIONS. IF THERE IS GOING TO BE PEACE
AND LEGISLATION, THERE CANNOT BE WAR AND INVESTIGATION. ( BOOING ). >> Stephen: OH, WAIT A SECOND! THAT'S-- I DON'T KNOW. I THINK THAT'S KIND OF CUTE. HE THREATENED OUR DEMOCRACY WITH
A LITTLE POEM! <i> (AS TRUMP</i> ): "THERE ONCE WAS A
DONALD FROM QUEENS, WHO CAME FROM A FAMILY OF MEANS
DON'T LOOK INTO MY STUFF, HE CRIED IN A HUFF
BECAUSE YOU'LL FIND OUT I BETRAYED OUR COUNTRY TO THE
RUSSIANS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THAT-- "DOES THAT NOT RHYME?"
"THERE ONE WAS A PARTISAN WITCH HUNT." THAT WASN'T TRUMP'S ONLY FORAY
INTO THE LYRICAL ARTS. HE REALLY WENT WHOLE-HOG ON
ALLITERATION: >> COOPERATION, COMPROMISE, AND
THE COMMON GOOD. SMART, STRATEGIC, SEE-THROUGH
STEEL. REVENGE, RESISTANCE, AND
RETRIBUTION. GREATNESS OR GRIDLOCK, RESULTS
OR RESISTANCE, VISION OR VENGEANCE. >> Stephen: THAT IS PAINFUL
PANDERING PABLUM FROM PUTIN'S PET PRESIDENT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> THERE'S A LOT OF ILLITERATION. NOW, THERE WERE A LOT OF GUESTS
IN ATTENDANCE LAST NIGHT. THE ONE GETTING THE MOST
ATTENTION IS AN 11-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO SAYS HE'S BEEN BULLIED
BECAUSE OF HIS LAST NAME: TRUMP. AND I ACTUALLY THINK THAT'S
NICE, OKAY. THAT WAS VERY SWEET OF THEM TO
DO THAT FOR HIM. YOU CAN'T BULLY SOME KID JUST
BECAUSE HIS LAST NAME IS THE SAME NAME AS AN UNPOPULAR
PRESIDENT. PERSONALLY, I WAS AGAINST
IMPEACHING CYNTHIA NIXON. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THIS YOUNG MAN WAS INVITED BY THE FIRST LADY TO REPRESENT HER
"BE BEST" INITIATIVE. WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE. <i> (AS MELANIA</i> ): "I ALSO FIND IT
VERY HARD TO HAVE THE LAST NAME TRUMP." OKAY. I GET YOU. WE GET EACH OTHER. WE GET--"<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> BUT IT DOES SEEM SLIGHTLY
NARCISSISTIC THAT THE ONLY WAY THE PRESIDENT CAN EMPATHIZE WITH
A BULLIED CHILD IS IF THEY SHARE THE SAME NAME. <i> (AS TRUMP</i> ): "LOOK, YOU CAN'T
ATTACK SOMEONE JUST FOR HAVING THE LAST NAME TRUMP. WHAT'S NEXT? ARE YOU GOING TO INDICT DONALD
TRUMP JR. JUST BECAUSE HE HAS THE LAST NAME TRUMP? AND 'CAUSE ALL THE RUSSIA
STUFF." <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
NOW, THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T-- "YOU CAN'T-- IT'S NOT. IT'S WRONG. BULLYING. BULLYING." THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T MENTION THE
TRUMP BOY LAST NIGHT BUT THE CHILD WAS ALL OVER THE INTERNET
BECAUSE DURING THE SPEECH, HE FELL ASLEEP. THAT'S REALLY LOVELY. THAT'S REALLY SWEET. AND YOU CAN'T BLAME THE KID. WHO THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A FUN
EVENING FOR AN 11-YEAR-OLD? "HEY, LITTLE FELLA, HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE TO SIT QUIETLY THROUGH A TWO-HOUR POLITICAL SPEECH BY
SOMEBODY ELSE'S GRANDPA?" "HE'S OUT. AND HE'S OUT." TRUMP ALSO TOOK A SWIPE AT FOLKS
WHO WANT TO RAISE TAXES ON RICH PEOPLE. BUT TRUMP'S GOT ONE PROBLEM. TURNS OUT THAT'S REALLY, REALLY
POPULAR, AS THEY DISCOVERED ON FOX NEWS. >> WE PULLED UP THIS LATEST FOX
NEWS POLL ON THE ISSUE WHETHER AMERICANS ARE FOR RAISING TAXES
ON THE WEALTHY, ON INCOMES OVER 10 MILLION BUCKS. THOSE IN FAVOR OF THAT 70%,
CHARLES! OVER A MILLION DOLLARS IN
INCOME, 65% ARE IN FAVOR OF RAISING TAXES. >> THE IDEA OF FAIRNESS HAS BEEN
PROMOTED IN OUR SCHOOLS FOR A LONG TIME. AND WE'RE STARTING TO SEE KIDS
WHO GREW UP IN THIS NOTION THAT FAIRNESS, ABOVE ALL-- AND NOW
THEY ARE BECOMING VOTING AGE, AND THEY ARE BRINGING THIS
IDEOLOGY WITH THEM. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: YES, OUR CHILDREN ARE BEING BRAINWASHED WITH THE
RADICAL IDEOLOGY OF FAIR. WHAT'S NEXT? AND BALANCED? <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> WRONG! IT'S WRONG, I SAY! <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
WRONG! IT STOPS HERE! HI, BRET.
