>>> AND NOW, PLEASE WELCOME THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, DONALD TRUMP.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU OF HAIR
ASBURG, PENNSYLVANIA. IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE WITH ALL
YOU TRUCK DRIVERS TONIGHT. LOVE THE TRUCKERS.
WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE ALL THE BLOOD
IN OUR BODIES POOLS IN OUR LEGS AND OUR BUTTS.
IT'S BEEN A BIG WEEK, FOLKS. WE ARE GETTING RID OF EVERYTHING
OBAMA DID, HEALTH CARE, THE IRAN DEAL.
AND WE ARE RIPPING OUT ALL THE VEGETABLES IN MICHELE OBAMA'S
GARDEN AND PLANLTING McNUGGETS. McNUGGETS.
LOVE THE McNUGGETS. BECAUSE WE LOVE AMERICA, DON'T
WE? THAT'S WHY I HAD VICE PRESIDENT
MIKE PENCE GO TO THE COLTS GAME ON SUNDAY.
AND WHEN THE PLAYERS KNELT DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM I
TOLD HIM TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
DON'T WORRY, WE ARE TAKING MIKE PARTNERSHIPS'S SEASON TICKETS
AND DONATING THEM TO TWO LUCKY FANS IN PUERTO RICO.
THEY JUST HAD HAVE TO FLY THEMSELVES TO INDIANA AND BOOK
THEIR OWN HOTEL. BECAUSE AT SOME POINT THEY HAVE
TO START DOING THINGS FOR THEMSELVES, OKAY?
I HAVE ACTUALLY GOT MIKE STANDING BY RIGHT NOW AT THE
INDIANA PACERS' GAME. MIKE, ARE YOU THERE?
>> YES, HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT. MOTHER AND I ARE HERE.
WE JUST WATCHED THE PACERS CHEERLEADERS PERFORM A DANCE
ROUTINE. AND I WAS VERY INTO IT ON A
TECHNICAL LEVEL. >> AND WHAT ABOUT THE ANTHEM?
>> IT'S STARTING NOW. >> WHAT ARE THE PLAYERS DOING,
ARE THEY ACTING LIKE LITTLE S.O.B.s?
>> NO. THEY SEEM TO BE RESPECTFUL.
WAIT, ONE OF THEM IS KNEELING. >> GET OUT OF THERE MIKE, BAIL,
DITCH IT. HAUL ASS, MIKE.
MIKE BAILED, BIG TIME. BUT THAT'S NOT WHY I'M HERE
TODAY. TODAY IS ABOUT UNVEILING A
MAGNIFICENT TAX PLAN. WE'RE GOING TO GIVE YOU PEOPLE
BACK A LOT OF CASH. THAT'S ALL I'M FOCUSED ON.
BUT ALSO WHAT ABOUT BOB CORKER. LITTLE LIDDLE BOB CORKER.
SO SMALL, SOME POLITICIANS WANT TO BE ON THE QUARTER SOME DAY.
BOB CORKER COULD ACTUALLY BE A QUARTER.
HE COULD TAKE A NAP ON THE QUARTER, OKAY?
AND I MEAN, ESSEX FROOMELY SMALL, BOB CORKER IS, BASICALLY.
AND I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO USE THIS WORD ANYMORE, BUT HE'S
A MIDGET. OKAY.
LITTLE ITTY BITTY BOB CORKER. I MEAN THIS GUY IS SO SMALL.
AND I HATE DOING SMALL JOKES, BUT I HAVE TO BECAUSE I'M THE
PRESIDENT. THIS GUY IS SO SMALL --
>> HOW SMALL IS HE? >> BOB CORKER IS SO SMALL THAT A
DERMATOLOGIST FOUND HIM ON A MOLE, OKAY?
VERY TINY AMIGO. AND SPEAKING OF AMIGOS, LET'S
CHECK IN AGAIN WITH MIKE PENCE. OKAY?
MIKE, WHERE ARE YOU? >> WE ARE INSIDE THE STARBUCKS,
MR. PRESIDENT. >> MIKE, I NEED YOU TO CHECK THE
CUPS, OKAY, DO THEY SAY HAPPY HOLIDAYS OR DO THEY SAY MERRY
CHRISTMAS. >> CIRCUMSTANCES IT'S OCTOBER
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE CHRISTMAS TEAMED CUPS YET.
>> THEY WOULD IF THEY RESPECT AMERICA.
THE CUPS WOULD SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL YEAR AND SHOW ME
AS CLAUSE IS GIVING ALL THE CHILDREN COAL BECAUSE COAL IS
THE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY. THE CUPS, MIKE.
>> THE CUPS SAY "PUMPKIN SPICE IS BACK, KIR".
>> GET OUT OF THIS. VAMOOS.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> FOLKS, WE ARE GOING TO START
SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN. AND YOU CANNOT KISS RESPECT OUR
LORD AND SAVIOR CLAUSE IS LIKE THAT.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M HERE THE TALK ABOUT.
AS I SAID, I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE TAX PLAN AND TONE TAX
PLAN. BECAUSE THE NUMBERS ARE AMAZING.
JUST AMAZING. AND ALSO HOW DUMB IS THAT REX
TILLERSON, FOLKS? I MEAN, REALLY, WHAT A DUMB DUMB
DUMBARONNEY. AND HE HAS THE NERVE TO CALL ME
A MORON. TALK ABOUT THE POT CALLING THE
KETTLE MEXICAN. I AM SO MUCH SMARTER THAN THIS
GUY REX, I HAVE A HUGE IQ. I TOOK A HUGE IQ TEST AND LET ME
JUST ASHIRE SURE YOU. I CAME BACK POSITIVE.
VERY POSITIVE. OKAY?
MY IQ IS THROUGH THE ROOF, AND FRANKLY THROUGH MANY OF THE
CLOUDS AS WELL, OKAY? AND BY THE WAY, I'M THE ONLY GUY
WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT IQ MEANS. MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
IT STANDS FOR. INQUEDIBLE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT. SPEAKING OF INQUEDIBLP PEOPLE
LET'S CHECK BACK WITH MIKE. WHERE ARE YOU BUDDY?
>> INSIDE THE WEDDING, EVERYTHING SEEMS RESPECTFUL.
>> WHAT DO YOU SEE, WALK US THROUGH IT?
>> I SEE THE GROOM. HE'S WAITING PATIENTLY AT THE
ALTAR. THEN I SEE -- OH, THERE IS
ANOTHER GROOM. >> GET OUT OF THERE, MIKE, BAIL,
PITCH IT. I KNOW YOU HATE THIS WORD, MIKE,
ABOARD. NO ONE SHOULD DISRESPECT THE
SANKT TILT OF MARRIAGE AS IT SAYS IN MY FAVORITE VERSE OF THE
BIBLE, DOUBLE VINTIANS, MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN,
THEN ANOTHER WOMAN. THEN ANOTHER WOMAN.
AND MAYBE ONE MORE IF YOU HAVE GOT IT IN YOU.
OKAY? WELL, IN CONCLUSION, I THINK WE
SOLVED THE TAX ROUGH, JUST LIKE WE SOLVED PUERTO RICO.
AND FINALLY, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, EMTHEM APPARENTLY DID
A FREE-STYLE RAP ON THE BET NETWORK THE OTHER DAY.
AND HE RAPPED SOME VERY NASTY THINGS ABOUT ME, AND VERY SOON
I'M GOING TO RELEASE A RESPONSE RAP ON THE WHITE ENTERTAINMENT
NETWORK, HGTV. [ LAUGHTER ]
SO WATCH YOUR BACK EMTHEM. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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