DO THIS To Find Your TRUE PURPOSE In LIFE (You Need To Hear This!) | Jay Shetty & Lewis Howes

you don't stay humble by trying to be humble you become humbled constantly right by trying to do stuff that's out of your league which constantly makes you prepare work deepen well all that stuff all of that stuff that makes you go there again i think you gotta have a dream the school of greatness please welcome powers welcome back everyone to the school of greatness podcast you are in for a great treat my man jay shetty is in the house brother very excited about this it's gonna be back man thank you for having me back this is the third time you'll be on the last two people loved hearing us together and hearing your wisdom and i feel like we just scratched the surface literally you told us about your story in the last couple but for those that don't know you were a monk for many years for about four years three three years after going down a journey of multiple women some drugs some alcohol some like different trying different things in life that you thought would bring you joy and fulfillment but you realize they weren't bringing you a lot of peace internally right and so you found a mentor who was a monk you're really inspired by his life and you left to go live in an ashram in india and that's part of your story and then you went off to leave monk life you got a corporate job and you started creating content around what you learned from the lessons of of being a monk and over the last three years you've exploded in the world with your content from your podcasts and social media to vowel videos and now you've got an amazing book out i think like a monk that's amazing i want people to get and i wanted to start with asking about mindfulness because this is something that i hear people talk about a lot mindfulness when i had another goober ron named sad guru he said i don't like the word mindfulness because your mind is too full and you actually want to have my nothingness essentially you want to have nothing in your mind so you can be more peace you talk a lot about practicing meditation and also prayer and you say something that was interesting that you said about using silence to hear in between the lines so can you share what that means to hear in between the lines through prayer meditation mindfulness and kind of what this all means how can we understand this there's a lot of noise about it but what does it really mean yeah beautiful first of all i'm glad to be back man the school of greatness is excited man a special place and the fact that this is so everyone's listening or watching this is how you test whether your friend really knows you lewis just told my life story in 30 which means that we're real friends uh lewis was able to summarize everything that i've been through in the last 10 years in in 30 seconds i appreciate you guys and i'm really happy to be back and yeah i think yeah let's talk about the term and let's talk about that specific answer so when i hear the word mindfulness to me what it really means is intentionality what i mean by that is are you crafting designing and intentionally creating your life or are you just coasting in the passenger seat of your life which is just dragging you and driving you wherever it's taking you and so it's the difference between being the driver or being in the passenger seat and so to me living intentionally is what allows you to live a life of by design and so i'll give an example of what mindfulness can look like there's something in the book that i talk about called the three s's which are sights scents and sounds now if you think about that we're exposed to sights sense and sounds every single day yeah every single day but how many of us have crafted those to be sight sentence sounds that we want in our life so this is what i realized when we were monks one of the most important things was what was the first thing you saw the sight when you woke up and right now most people are probably seeing their screen yeah i think 80 of people look at their screens first thing in the morning and the last thing of the night so you're seeing your screen first thing in the morning but what are you really seeing you're seeing everyone else's priorities you're seeing everyone else's issues and challenges you're seeing everyone else's messages to you which means you're already starting your day off reactively but what if you started your morning looking at a painting that inspired you or a picture of a loved one that brought joy in your heart or your favorite quote by lewis or by anyone else that when you read that in the morning you were like oh yeah i feel in charge today to to make a difference in the world so imagine the first thing you saw in the morning was something inspiring how much would your day change that's mindfulness mindfulness is being intentional and mindful about what you are exposing yourself to let's talk about sounds next so sounds was something that i started to study actually much later from a modern life perspective but when we were monks we would wake up to birds we would wake up to water we'd wake up to gongs or cymbals chants exactly which are all beautiful sounds now the crazy thing is all of us wake up to something called an alarm literally i don't know why anyone would want to wake up to an alarm why would you want to wake up alarmed it means now your system is alarming like why would you want to do that why would you want to wake up in shock in a state of like a jolt i don't think that's a positive way to wake up so changing the sound that you wake up to now i'm not saying that everyone can wake up to nature sounds maybe you're one of those people who just hit the snooze button again but what if you woke up to a sound or a song that brought you joy now when i lived in new york for two years between 2016 and 2018 i started to feel quite exhausted by the end of the day and i was really looking into like why is it that i feel tired and i started to realize i came across this term called cognitive load and what it means is that a lot of the sounds that you hear in new york city are sounds that are insignificant for your mind to process drilling construction work taxis honking driving cars screeching scratching people yelling at each other people yelling at each other on the street saying all of that sound is called cognitive load where your brain is now trying to make sense of meaningless sound well it's also just like should i be afraid this is a loud sound does my brain go into fight or flight like i need to protect myself so you're always being alarmed yeah exactly and you hear sirens the amount of sirens that i remember hearing on the streets now when you hear sirens sirens have an emotional trigger and they have an emotional response to them so think about your day think about when you come home from work well now you're working from home right what sound do you want to hear when you're working what sound you want to hear at the end of the day when you sound design your life that's called mindfulness that's being intentional and then finally scent uh scent is such a powerful sense that we're not even aware how many of you when you smell your favorite food can't already wait to eat it like you can almost taste it yeah you can taste it already without just through scent why is it that every time you walk into [Laughter] my yeah my favorite yeah i think pizza has one of the best well your wife rowdy's got some amazing food that was an amazing scent when i walked in the kitchen last week i was like mmm this is amazing that was for you that was special that was for you that was for you that was a good meal that's a really good meal she really appreciated that you love to eat too like she was happy her heart was full exactly bring a former jock into your house and you'll you'll clean all the food out she was like i've never seen someone eat that one you know this is like big american dude like you know he could eat and so no it was great she was so happy that you appreciated it so much she really appreciated that but the scent is important in your life when you walk into a massage spa it's the scent the eucalyptus the lavender the sandalwood it could be a peaceful state dude scent puts you in zen without trying and so mindfulness is intentionally creating a life that makes you feel what you want to feel without having to just create the feeling from inside you may say jay you know i really struggle trying to be positive i struggle trying to deal with anxiety i struggle trying to be focused your sight sense and sounds can help you do that yeah and you start creating an environment where you naturally feel that like today when i walked into your studio i saw your books i saw these motivational quotes i saw a boxing glove and it's like all of a sudden you're like oh i'm in a uplifting environment right so you already get triggered exactly yeah i think uh a friend of mine mentioned one time on the podcast chris lee said you want to create an environment like a rain forest where things can thrive and grow as opposed to having an environment like a desert where things go to die that's beautiful and if you have sights scents and sounds that are like a desert for your life or your heart then it's going to be hard to grow those things from your heart but if you create an environment of a rainforest where things can grow water nature you know cool air things like that then you can really start to cultivate that growth you mentioned about creating and designing your life how much of the world do you think we receive by being here and how much of the world do we create ourselves yeah that's a beautiful question it's it's a complete dynamic dance between what the vedic tradition would call fate and free will so fate is what is already created for you and a good example would be the place you were born the type of family you grew up in the socio-economic background you had it was already there when you walked in to the world but within that you had choices where your free will came about you had the choice to either do what everyone in your neighborhood did or to do something different you had the choice to have a relationship with a particular person or not so what happens is that we're constantly creating new spaces from which we have another choice right and so you kind of see as this dynamic dance between okay now i'm in this situation and now what is my choice in this situation so i would say i'm not saying it's equal i'm saying it's a dynamic balance and a switching process where you're constantly creating a new level and then now in that level you have a next choice because we we didn't have the choice to be created here we didn't we were here and that wasn't our choice now everything after that is our choice right yeah and there are some there obviously there are some traditions and i'm i'm a big diver into like reincarnation and past life so according to the beliefs of reincarnation of past lives you have at some point made a choice to be here but taking it more simplistically the truth is that when you're brought into a situation it's the best analogy that i've heard and and it's been told for years is of a father is an alcoholic one of the sons that he has decides to become an alcoholic because his father's an alcoholic the other son decides to never drink alcohol because his father's an alcoholic right so they were exposed to the same situation in the same scenario same environment same environment but they both made different choices based on their experience and that's the choice element that's the element that we should be trying to empower in our lives because we can constantly say i'm limited by my environment or i've been restricted by my environment and hey it's true there are so many of us that have been limited and restricted but by now you repeating that you are going to repeat that restriction in your life how much of a positive environment supports us in our growth or holds us back there are some people who have the perfect family situation resources beautiful backyards and nature who are lazy and there are others who have you know divorced parents abusive parents abusive friends an environment of a desert yeah and they figure out a way to thrive totally how much importance does our environment play in our overall success if you look at the examples that you just shared and you really analyzed life you'd see very little because you see people craft their own life so a good example for me is that when i came back from living in the ashram and there were other people who may have been monks who'd also left the path and i came back to a not financially successful or supportive family so my family doesn't have abundant wealth and couldn't necessarily have taken care of me or paid for me forever and i had to figure out my own life and that to me was a great sense of impetus and incentive to go and figure it out and learn new skills and network and meet people and i saw other friends who'd parents had like a property portfolio with like 10 properties ready to hand them over they had a bmw the second that they came out whatever you know from their own life or i even have friends that had all of that and didn't become monks and didn't even find careers so i've also got friends that i went to school with that today don't even have careers even though their parents were really well established right which has all of these examples have continued me to believe that we truly have influence in our more than our environment our environment affects us for sure it plants seeds and weeds into our life but there is still a choice and and i think even if you feel there isn't a choice simply by accepting that there is it means you have a chance to get out of there and i think that's what because if you don't accept that there is then you're just going to stay stuck correct like there's been so many times in my life and there's a beautiful uh quote from edison i don't think i said this last time but if i did it's it's worth repeating he said that when you believe you've exhausted all options remember this you haven't and the reason why i love that is your mind continuously feels stuck when it's tried the obvious and that's why a lot of creativity and focus studies say that the first 10 ideas that come to your mind are never the most interesting it's when you get into the 11th idea that you start breaking the pattern and so if someone asks you oh what's your best business idea your first 10 ideas are probably not that innovative and so the mind constantly gets stuck on that train and you've got to keep reminding yourself that there is another door there could be another pathway i was thinking about a piece of advice that so one of my closest spiritual mentors who was in london i knew him since i was probably like 12 and probably went since i was 18. he passed away this year from stage 4 brain cancer and he had brain cancer for about i think like three three four years now and so i hadn't really had a real interaction with him for the past few years because every time i saw him he wasn't fully functioning in his short-term memory his long-term memory was there but his short-term memory wasn't and i remember speaking to him probably about seven eight years ago and asking him the question i said to him you know i've got so many ideas there's so many things i could do where do i start and and he said this beautiful thing to me he said you know what your role should be to open up every door possible and he said let the world close the doors you're not meant to walk through and walk through the ones that remain open and what i realized is most of us just not opening up enough doors because we think we only have the option of two doors we look at life as binary zero and one zero and one right it's just the same this or that and i mean i i think you'd say this too about you and every guest you've ever had on i don't think life is ever this or that it's like this that and that and maybe that and that and there's always a gap of course the challenge that people have is that i've sensed a lot is the fear of criticism when you go after something that you weren't supposed to do or that people don't think you're supposed to do why do so many people fear criticism from peers family friends the media why is that such a big fear and how do we overcome criticism from others psychologically we feel a sense of safety and security when we think people agree with us right that is just psychologically true that i we would rather avoid conflict and sit in a space where we agree and therefore we have something called confirmation bias and the echo chamber where we keep surrounding ourselves with thoughts and ideas that are similar and reaffirm our beliefs now i think that you can have that and at the same time entertain ideas that you're not sure about yet and so one of my favorite examples was mit did this study where they asked people which person was more creative and innovative and they showed two charts one chart was employee a and the other child was employee b the chart for employee a all of the people they knew knew each other and knew them back so it was almost like a closed loop and employee b they knew lots of people who didn't know each other and they found that people who have more people in their network who don't know each other are more likely to be creative and productive really why is that because they expose you to opposing ideas and they may counteract how you think so one of my favorite examples of this is a conversation between mark zuckerberg and one of his mentors so mark zuckerberg told this story at the facebook headquarters a few years back i wasn't there i've seen it on video and i'm sure it's available and he talks about how when he was struggling with the direction of facebook in 2009 he approached his mentor and his mentor happened to be steve jobs wow pretty cool wow pretty cool i wish really yeah it's so cool man etc so mark zuckerberg goes to steve jobs and he says i'm struggling with the direction of facebook remember at that time facebook was five years old there was no fan pages i don't think i don't i don't think it was there was no creators there was i don't think there were fan pages it was very much used by university students at that stage like i think it was mainly like ivy leagues college kids and i don't even think it was international in a massive way very early days and now we can't even think of that but 2009 i mean you know you just about had the iphone and just about had instagram on youtube so he ran up to steve jobs and he said you know i'm struggling with the direction of facebook what do i do now steve jobs at that time obviously was already the founder of one of the biggest brands on the planet and obviously the brand still is he had access to investors he had access to business coaches i'm sure he had access to life coaches he had access to health experts everything he had access to anything like i don't think there's any scientists whatever scientists phds i don't think there's anyone in the world who steve jobs couldn't have called up at the time and steve jobs said something amazing he said you know what mark i think you should go and live in an ashram in india he did not he did oh you guys and when you go to live in the ashram in india that's where if you spend some time there that's where you'll find your answer shut up and mark did it no way went to the ashram it's a true story a lot i i believe he was there for i believe i've seen two online i've seen two versions of the exact time he was there i've seen some people say it was a couple of days or a week or some people said it's a month so i think it's it's hazy how much time he actually spent there but but he went and he says that based on that experience that's where he found the direction of facebook to be connecting people now the reason why i love that story is because it's the unobvious alternative random connection and when harvard did a study of 3 000 executives they looked at and asked them what's the number one skill for being a good leader and a lot of people would say communication a lot of people would say vision strategy humility and the number one answer that they got from 3000 executives was the one word which is called associating and what that means is the ability to spot patterns where everyone else doesn't see them and that's the connect that real leaders can spot patterns and connections in anomaly so most people be like what is an ashram got to do with a tech platform right but that is where you expand your mind to find answers that you never expected how important is creating alone time with noises people busy work to allow your mind to expand is that the only time in that silence i think you mentioned it silence to hear in between the lines yeah is that where we start to hear what we're supposed to be creating where we're supposed to be heading our mission that's yeah i'm really glad you brought that back i wanted to get back to that so when we talk about there's a beautiful statement by david lynch who's movie producer and deep meditator and he says that prayer is how you talk to god and meditation is how god talks to you and whether you believe in god or the universe or spirit or divine whatever it means the point is that there is a dialogue and a conversation prayer is like you're speaking you're saying here's what i want to feel and meditation is more receiving receiving yeah and so i love that statement because i think it makes it very clear that we have to have a dialogue with the universe we have to have a dialogue with people in our lives we have to have a dialogue and there's both giving and receiving so when i talk about hearing in between the lines the best example i can give you lewis is let's take a look at you and your relationship and mine and my wife's relationship one of us is always traveling yeah so you travel your partner travels i travel my wife travels sometimes we're missing each other imagine you've got really busy and hectic do you think that anyone listening or watching you can ask the same question if you were really busy and hectic and stressed out do you think your partner feels comfortable to tell you how they feel and get your attention uh if if i'm busy stressed out overwhelmed when my partner tell me how i feel about themselves or about yeah do you think they would feel confident to be like louis i need to tell you something really important um i don't think they would they wouldn't yeah they really wouldn't because they don't stress you out they don't want to stress you you're not presents all these things exactly so exactly that and so what happens is when you're still your mind and body actually get to speak to you and give you signals of how they feel and so when you're still that's when you know it's that ache in your foot that you haven't noticed for a month sometimes when you slow down that's when you get sick because your body wasn't allowing itself to be sick because you were pushing it to get through stuff and so just like your partners can't communicate with you until you slow down your body and mind can't communicate with you until you still and so there's a beautiful buddhist teaching that says what movement does for the body stillness does for the mind and so when we find that space stillness and solitude you really are able to hear your deepest desires and challenges your physical pains and and areas of growth it's one of the reasons why when people meditate they feel sleepy afterwards and they think they're doing it wrong but actually they're doing it right meditation just told you you needed more sleep you needed to rest yeah meditation was just a signal so sometimes when i meditate with people that i'm coaching it's like some of them some of them will be like i'm so sorry i'm i'm so sorry i'm just feeling so tired and i'm like no then sleep the rest yeah that's what your body's telling you because you finally listened and some people are like oh jay i feel so energized and i'm like yeah because you allowed yourself to be in line with your body and now your body's saying that you feel energized that's great you've got that energy go work out go build something so or you've cleared out those negative thoughts or you've let go of those distractions or that resentment and so you're not feeling this weight so you feel lighter correct and so that stillness and silence is one of my favorite ways for you to actually build that relationship with hearing your inner voice is there too much silence like if you say okay five hours a day it's is there a tipping point when you're like okay i think you do two hours every morning but a lot of people say well i've only got 20 minutes maybe yeah is is five hours too much is an hour you know what is the maximum or minimum sweet spot you think for people to be silent every day yeah to live a great life i think i think 20 minutes is a great starting point yeah because 20 minutes is significant enough time for your mind to switch off so we hear that studies show that we have 60 to 80 000 thoughts a day and a lot of us are negative 80 of negative i'm guessing a lot of them are repeated and so if you're only gonna say i'm gonna do five minutes it just takes five minutes to switch off like it takes five minutes to just overcome that noise and so i'd say that 20 minutes is a good amount of time and hey you're not trying and i think this is the challenge with meditation mindfulness you're not trying to empty your mind you're just trying to be present with it and actually and listen to it and experience it if we were to truly find that peace every day and be able to be present relax our heart rate you know not empty our mind but listen to what's happening what would you say are the three questions we should ask ourselves every single day that would help us improve our life in that moment internal questions every day during meditation what should i be asking myself and what should the world be asking ourselves in order to make sure we're living a purposeful life yeah what a beautiful question yeah i'd say one of the first questions that always comes to my mind is is how can i be of service today how can i be in and this is extended from that first question how can it be an instrument of love compassion and kindness and that's what i count as service in my own definition and so what i would say to anyone listening is define the words yourself because what service means to you me may be different to you right and so it's important but for me it's like how can i be of service today and the reason why i love that is we've talked about this before when you're wired for service you're set up right we talked about in the last podcast like service sets you up to feel satisfaction to build bonds and create connections and does so much so being of service is one of the first questions i would ask the second question i was asked myself is what do i love about myself right what do i actually love about myself that is probably the most powerful question anyone could ask because most people never learn to love themselves totally and we always find the things that we don't love about ourselves and we fixate on those things and that's one of the repeating thoughts in our head that keeps us playing small every day all the time all the time and and we talk a lot about today's self-love and self-care but i think you know a lot of that starts with awareness which we know about self knowledge but self knowledge creates self trust and a lot of it's like learning to trust ourselves and it's like if i don't know what i love about myself how am i ever going to trust myself how am i going to trust that i have my best interest at her and so asking yourself what do you love and and then the third and final question i think i would ask myself is is who do i want to be right who do i want who is the person that i need to be that i can love that i want to love that i want to give more love to like what parts of growth are there still available and there's one thing i want to add which isn't a question but it has been a really reaffirming or or deepening affirmation for me that i keep reminding myself and i think it's helped a lot of people that i've shared it with is literally some days i'll just put my hand on my heart and i'll just repeat to myself i'm exactly where i need to be and that's so true it's just such a great reminder like if you literally put your hand on your heart you just go i am exactly where i need to be you stop getting lost in the future you stop worrying about the past and you realize that everything you need to learn everything you read right now to make a change it's all right now it's all right here and so that's one of my favorite things to repeat it's not a question but it's more of a mantra saying yeah right yeah because i think i find it so hard for people today who compare themselves to everyone online yeah about not being where they want to be or not having the the career or the relationship or the body or whatever the following or the attention a lot of people compare themselves to other people in their space yeah friends family and then don't feel enough and so when we say to ourselves i'm exactly where i need to be does that help us eliminate the feeling of not being enough yeah absolutely you're spot on because we're always feeling like we're we either feel like we're ahead we feel like oh i'm doing better than everyone i'm kind of like winning the game or more often we feel behind where we feel like oh they just got promoted ah they just you know they got proposed to whatever it is like we always feel like we have our first child or whatever the first child they bought their first house whatever it is and we're always feeling ahead or behind and so when you say to yourself i'm exactly where i need to be you realize you're not a head or behind and the problem is if you always think you're a head or behind then you're always comparing yourself to others whereas if you're where you need to be you now just need to get to the next place of where you want to be yeah and and also you only get ahead of yourself by first being present with yourself and i think it's really hard to say that when you're in a challenging place in your life i'm exactly where i need to be i'm broke my yeah my dog died my girlfriend broke up with me like yeah it's hard to accept that yeah and i've been there i know you've been there and it's really challenging to say my life is perfect right now when you don't feel that way yeah but i think when you can learn to accept timing of life and know that you know a mentor of mine early on um when i was broke and i was an intern working for free for six months for someone i was living on my sister's couch i remember saying i would do walks with him every day and i was like man i could really use some money like in my life i'm just sick of being broke and he said something i'll never forget he said money comes to you when you're ready for it and i was like i feel pretty ready right now like i feel like i could have some money yeah and i wasn't ready for it mentally emotionally my life wasn't set up i didn't have systems set up in place to really receive the money and be able to do good with it and be able to use it for good in my life and put it to good use and later when i started to make money i realized like oh i probably would have blown that money i would have spent it poorly i would have made the wrong investments whatever it may be yeah it's hard to hear when things aren't going well but i think trusting the timing of your life like if you would have built your empire seven years ago you probably wouldn't have been ready for maybe maybe you would have been but you wouldn't have been ready or social media wasn't the right timing for your message to be out there is that right yeah i i think that if i wouldn't have gone to monk school then i think you can become successful but still feel extremely dissatisfied or misuse the success yes and i don't think that that can be blamed on anyone because no one's ever been taught how to deal with failure or success there's no class on here's how you deal with failure well here's how you deal with success but the funny thing is those are the two most extreme things that we all experience and the things we're most afraid of are failure and success and success so how do we deal with failure if you can give a mini master class right now what would you suggest to people who are afraid to fail and how to deal with it yeah i think one of my first things in failure is don't take it more personally than it actually is and i'll give an example of that when i was applying to 40 companies that all rejected me before an interview yeah all i was getting was an automated response saying your application will not go any further i can't take that personally because they didn't meet me in person they didn't have a interaction with me they just saw my name they saw i'd been a monk for three years that resume is useless i mean what's your transferable skills like sitting in silence and stillness yeah surprise surprise no one wants to hire a monk and so they rejected you but that's not personal because they didn't meet me in person what if they had me right so that's the first thing the first step is don't take all fear failure i'll give an example me and you we reach out to countless guests to be on our podcast we say no all the time you're saying all the time but if i don't hear a no from the guest directly that's not a no like someone's team can say no someone's assistant can say no someone's pr team can say no but until they say no personally it's not a no okay but when they do say no then that's a note yeah so then let's see how do you deal with that type of failure yes so if i deal with a failure where someone meets me in person and gets the no no jay you're horrible you suck like i don't want to deal with a monk ever in my life yeah i would never go on your show i'm never listening to you never yeah then how do you deal with that type of so i've heard you say this i've said it a couple of times and i'm sure it's been repeated a bunch of times around how i genuinely believe failure has feedback and and so for me it's like failure has the ability to actually tell you what you need to improve now not to improve to get their attention improving to get the actions that you want to take yeah the results you want the results you want and don't make that result about the person who said no don't try use failure as a way to prove someone else wrong because what happens when we prove others wrong when you prove others wrong you end up trying to get validation and approval for them and now if they're not impressed when you're right you lose again so you end up losing twice and you spend all this time and energy years maybe to prove something wrong i've been there many times and then you're like i felt good for a moment yeah and then i feel empty again totally and and so that's the thing about failure in the second half is you have to see failure as an improvement if if i'm completely honest everyone who rejected me in my life up until now has made me more hungry taught me so much more about myself and made me up my game yeah and i think if failure doesn't make you up your game it's the same as losing in a sport right when you fail and you've lost games and you've won games on the big stages you didn't have the skills you didn't have the teamwork you guys weren't hungry enough you were never communicating enough there's something you were missing yeah so you go review the game film you check the stats you see what could have done better and you try to improve that for the next game yeah and i think a lot of people can do that in life but we're so afraid to like go on the next game of life like i got rejected once and it hurts so bad yeah how do people learn to overcome that pain of rejection yeah to keep going yeah you know in sports luckily there's a season which is like you might have 30 basketball games after you lose the first two you don't say uh i'm just going to give up the rest of the season yeah you keep playing yes but in life a lot of people stop playing yeah why yeah i think that's great mental training too i think sports is great mental training because you have to show up to the next game even if you lost and you don't feel bad exactly that you don't feel good sorry and and one of the things before i dive into that question one of the things that you reminded me of was that the last dance documentary so there's that season that michael jordan everyone is agreement in an agreement that he is one of the best players to be playing and they keep losing they didn't make the fight they didn't make the finals they lost and then they realized they need to get the team and they need to find i think they bring in dennis rodman and then start bringing in all these other players that strengthen whereas if they would have just said oh we got the best player in the world we just keep doing this i'm not sure they would have got there right but the coach phil jackson and the team they had to adapt and so you're saying why do we feel that pain in rejection and how do we deal with that i think we feel that pain because we look at a failure right we look at it as a complete definition of us right we're looking at as as there's that famous statement of like you know failure is an event not a person right and i don't know who said it but it's one of those statements that that really clicks like failure is uh an event not a person whereas we start thinking we are the failure like we say i am a failure exactly right like i those are the words i am a failure i got rejected and it's like no your application got rejected yeah your efforts your effort your specific effort at this moment in time got rejected your specific exam at this point got failed you didn't you are not a failure and so you have to disconnect and distance yourself from the event you know what's interesting is like no one who was successful at everything they did ever told a good story like the greatest stories are the ones who overcame failure and adversity it's not the ones where like everything was easy for me everyone loved me everyone accepted my actions i didn't have to work hard and it just came to me effortlessly like people don't care about that that's not a good story that's not an inspirational human being yeah it's the human that had to deal with adversity that we really admire and we look up to yeah even if they had some low moments it's a much better story of hearing about someone's failure than hearing how they succeeded totally and you've that's a beautiful lesson that one of the biggest mistakes we make is we don't study the stories of the greats so how many people's lives have you studied from start to finish yeah if you've studied someone's life from start to finish i genuinely believe this is like the core skill that's needed i would say that the people i admire i have studied their lives from start to finish i know why they made bad decisions what they consider to be good decisions like there's autobiographies and biographies out there there's podcasts like hours where people come and listen to people's stories if you've not studied someone's story then you can't follow that path because every time you hit a rejection so every time i get rejected i think of steve jobs getting kicked out of his own company crazy every time i fail i think about michael jordan losing a game every time i get tired of training i think about cristiano ronaldo putting in that extra rep those are the visual cues that we need but you only get those visual cues if you've done the research and the study and then you go oh if steve jobs was kicked out of his own company but then still had the audacity at one point to go and build pixar then i think i'm all right if i just didn't get this job yeah and he would and apple wouldn't be where it is today without him getting kicked out learning the lessons having humility like gaining some compassion all the things that people said he didn't have fully at that time he learned by having to be kicked out start something else bring a new perspective yeah what did you call it the um association yeah associating yeah like he was able to then go somewhere else and spot different trends and then he came back to apple and built it to where it is today we'll help build it to where it is today and he probably apple wouldn't be where it is yeah today without him being a rejection which is crazy to just think of that yeah exactly so if he would have kept saying i'm gonna keep doing it my way and this is the way it is it probably would have had some challenges yeah absolutely and and i think that's the the more you study the lives of inspirational people and that's what i'd say is everyone should pick their top three inspirational people and go and study their life before life their full life yeah and read the biography the autobiography listen to every podcast i mean like seriously get immersed in that person all the journey in the industry you're trying to make it in and when you do that you'll realize that your journey actually doesn't look that different from theirs yeah it actually probably looks similar so how do we go inside our minds and say okay i'm getting rejected over and over again i'm trying really hard it's not working how do we still deal with that emotional pain is it just the self-awareness that every great person had to go through this and this is just a timing thing like how do we eventually just ease that or should we not try to use that pain i don't think it's about easing it i think it's about engaging it you know it's and i i believe that the engaging does the easing in my opinion at least so what i mean by that is behind that pain is a understanding that i don't have this skill or is an understanding of i didn't try hard enough or is an understanding of oh maybe there's just another option because guess what sometimes you may have done the best pitch in the world and you just had an executive that didn't like your vibe keep going yeah keep going like you you know you've just got to realize that there's one there's a there's a you have to engage that pain in discovery and that eases it because when you discover like oh like for example let's take my podcast my podcast producer the team that was meant to produce my podcast pulled out two weeks before we launched my podcast and i thought i had this big deal lined up i was really excited i'd never launched a podcast before and i thought oh yeah this could be amazing and i was in india meditating for my annual trip that i take i come back and the first news i remember receiving is by the way this isn't happening anymore and i'd say that i was going to launch my podcast on valentine's day 2019 and i had my episodes recorded with my wife and i'd already gone out and made the content so just to tee up how bad that two-week notice was i'd already gone to monaco interviewed novak i'd already interviewed lily i'd interviewed russell brand in london i'd interviewed my wife and obviously those people are all close friends and people i know so they were very happy to be on the podcast even when uh it was new so i'd already done all that effort i'd already created all the content myself all this podcast company was going to do was put it out there and help me market it a bit and then they pull out two weeks before it comes out and i'm going to myself wow okay like i can either sit here and be really sad or i can scrap together and figure it out and so the only thing i realized was it actually turned out perfectly because now i own my podcast and i'm completely aware of every part of the journey and it gave me more confidence in myself that i could scrap together when i had to yeah and i think that's what it is that we lack confidence we're waiting for someone else to tell us how we should feel about ourself and i think if we go back to those three questions you said like when you're feeling a failure over and over and over again or you feel a sense of i'm not enough or whatever it may be go back to asking those three questions to yourself how can i be of service today or serve today what can i love about myself so even when everyone's saying no what is it to love about me to remind yourself and not be validated by other people's opinions yeah and who do i want to be yeah that i can love yes exactly who do i need to become who i need to become that i can love and just keep focusing on the process because the process is the prize yes and focus on that journey yes i'm curious about success then you know we we've talked about how to deal with failure but how do we deal with success because this is actually when i ask most people 50 50 of people are failure and success is their biggest fear and some people say why would you be afraid of success but a lot of people are afraid to succeed because of the weight the pressure uh can i maintain it my family and friends aren't going to support me and they're going to try to pull me back down all this stuff how do we deal with success because we're not taught this growing up yeah how do you think we should deal with it one of my favorite ways to deal with success is continue trying to be the least successful person in the room that you're in i think there's those statements of like you know never be the dumbest person yeah that would be the smartest person in the room etc and i think it's the same with if you become successful don't just stand at the top of the mountain don't just stand at the top of the building go back down the stairs and and keep building and keep living as that person that got you there because you only got there because you started from the bottom right no one starts at the top and so you started at the bottom and you built it up and it was that mindset that you started with that got you there and so you want to keep rediscovering that mindset and new parts of it they're new parts of that mindset too where you're always trying to challenge yourself and so for me one of the best ways of dealing with success is keep expanding the goal posts right keep widening the goal posts keep making them harder to reach and challenging yourself because when you challenge yourself and you push yourself out of your comfort zone you're naturally humbled because you're naturally humbled when you're walking into space i'm sure you feel this sometimes like sometimes i walk in a room and i'm like how did i even get here yeah right like sitting on a table i'm like i'm the why should i be here yeah like and there's part of it that's impostor syndrome and that can have its own negativity but part of that just lets me feel like a beginner again and i appreciate that feeling and i go this is amazing because learning to be grateful and stop just thinking that oh i earned all of this and i did it all myself and i'm self-made you start recognizing gratitude for all the people that got you there so for me in success first thing is be grateful for all your teachers mentors guides people that got you there the second thing is always keep challenging yourself because the more you're out of your comfort zone the more naturally you stay humble you don't stay humble by trying to be humble you become humbled constantly right by trying to do stuff that's out of your league which constantly makes you prepare work and work all that stuff all of that stuff that makes you go there again and and then the third thing you do with success is i think you try and share it with others you try and use your platforms as an opportunity to give other people a platform yeah so that they can come up as well because you're reminded of what a beautiful gift you have yeah and how the people supported you or gave you an opportunity or gave you an interview or something yeah there was someone successful who had to give you something yeah a wisdom coming on your podcast uh uh yeah giving you an insight or whatever yeah or even rejecting you like even indirectly someone had to do something that's true you know it's funny because i love this approach to having humility when you succeed and i also think let me know if you think i'm you know off here i also feel like sometimes we get into a place where we're always putting it on other people like you know it's not about me it's about the team it's about this like i see that a lot as well where some people are more extreme like i'm the man and then other people are like you know what it wasn't me at all it was god it was the team like i just showed up you know so i think there's a balance of i love the speech that snoop dogg gave where's i think it was like on the hollywood walk of fame and he says like i want to thank me for me i want to thank me for all those late nights i put in for all the hard work for like overcoming the rejection like he went on this thing and i want to thank me for like showing up yeah and i think we also should acknowledge ourselves for yes people helped us we got guidance we had all this this this access but snoop dogg still had to show up yeah he's still to put in the hours and the time to make the results and i think it's correct me if i'm wrong is it is it good to also acknowledge ourselves for the the work we put in the wins the things we do yeah or is it all about being humble and acknowledging everything else i think it's about being honest yeah it's honesty right like humility means to be honest it's like the ability to say this is what this person deserves credit for and this is what i deserve credit for and this is what this person it's like it's kind of like when you write the acknowledgements of your book right you write yeah i mean you and i and i remember doing that process and really thinking about like who's helped this book in different ways and everyone gets their line in the acknowledgement who's made a difference now your name goes on the front cover because you wrote the book like you want everyone to receive the credit to the degree they merit in yes and so you never want someone to feel like they didn't receive as much credit as they deserve and at the same time you don't want to give someone more credit than they deserve the point of credit is to give it where credit's due right and so for me that's honesty that's humility uh arrogance and pride is when you start to feel like only you did it on your own and we all know that's just not true like i can't say i did it all on my own i i just i can't anyway i definitely can't say that and i can't say it was all other people and so that is the that's where honesty and humility i think live together yeah acknowledging everything about it yeah i'm curious about you know a lot of people haven't learned about how to deal with failure or success and i don't think people have been trained how to believe in themselves and for me self-doubt is a big thing i think it keeps people back from their dreams and i'm curious i'm going to share five words with your beliefs thoughts words actions and intentions how should we be thinking about beliefs thoughts words actions and intentions within our life because i think those five things dictate the results the outcome our feelings all of this in our life based on beliefs thoughts words actions intentions how should we be thinking about these things how should we be speaking to help us build our self-confidence what's your thoughts i'm throwing a lot of your earbuds now let's go down each of them so let's start with beliefs so i think the first thing we have to do with beliefs is you have to realize everyone has them it's not like you don't have beliefs just because you don't know what they are everyone has beliefs that they're currently living with and i think life is about unlearning the beliefs you have and questioning the beliefs you have and then creating new ones so the first thing i do with learning yeah from the beginning from the beginning what if your parents had their answers and the way and the religion and this should we be questioning it i think we should question it because questioning the okay questions are the most powerful invention in the world because questions either strengthen or weaken a belief based on the information so questions aren't always from a place of doubt and cynicism and trying to find a weakness questions are a sincere request to figure out something like when we're sitting in these interviews you're not sitting there trying to like be cynical or be you want to help yourself and people who are listening and watching and so that's a question first of all a question is not to catch someone of god a question is not to put someone down a question is not to mislead people a question is to uplift yourself and others and when you ask a question in that way the answer can either strengthen a belief you already have or weaken it or introduce you to a new one why do we get so frustrated when our beliefs get questioned when we have a belief that we put out in the world or we question someone's belief why do people when they get shaken in their beliefs they attack they they break down they yeah whatever why why is that why don't people just say okay that's interesting let me look at that more yeah because we've defined our identity by our belief so imagine you're on one of these assault courses and you're on this rope and you're being told to swing to the next rope but in order to catch the next rope you need to let go of this rope but you're scared because this rope is currently your safety so your current belief is your safety and when you have to consider holding on to another belief and to entertain both together you're scared that if that one doesn't hold i'm basically going to fall so people are scared that their belief is currently their safety net and so even if it's wrong it still makes them feel safe and they feel comfortable and we don't want to feel uncomfortable so we'd rather hold on to that safety net right so the only way to do it how do we get comfortable with questioning our beliefs but not being like holding on to nothing well realizing that you don't have to change your mind or you don't have to leave what you think in order to entertain or be curious about anything and explore like exploring experimenting and experiencing can either strengthen the belief you have or help you find a new one but you have to do that middle three ease of exploring exploring experimenting and experiencing yeah and the problem is that we are just theoretically thinking we're not experiencing the benefit and this is what i love about what you've done in your past we've talked about this how you know you grew up in a certain religion and then you started studying different religions to see okay let me just try this on and let me see what i like about this religion and does that apply to you know can i let something go and what i grew up in not making anything right or wrong but just saying what works for you correct right yeah and yeah and i think taking that experiential journey of asking questions from different beliefs allows you to just say okay yeah this is working for me already i don't need to change exactly and i like this and i'm going to keep growing yeah and go from there right yeah definitely i desire for safety and security so what you're speaking about was when i was around 16 maybe 15 i we used to celebrate christmas every year and christmas is probably my favorite time of year we were talking about it like i love listening christmas songs and i love christmas decoration and for me christmas is presents presents and and so i grew up in a culture where we celebrated christmas but christmas was presents and a family dinner and because i went to my school in england we'd celebrate all the religious holidays so we knew about all the uh main stories behind every major world religion and so i remember celebrating christmas at home but thinking i don't know that much about jesus and should i not be connecting with jesus because that's why we even have this day and so i started going to church in my local area just out of curiosity i wasn't trying to be a christian or trying to be a hindu or trying to be anything i was just interested and curious to be like what is it about christ that created a day that has lasted thousands of years that people all over the world celebrate there must be something here and so i feel like we get so scared because we want clear designations we want like a clear title of i am this or i am that and that gives us a sense of safety and security but really answers come into curiosity not in the security yeah right what does that identity do to us in a good way or in a negative way in a good way it creates a and this isn't just about religious identity it's any identity but whatever yeah it's not about holding on to this identity of yourself yeah so in the good sense it surrounds you with more people like that so if i'm a podcaster i hang out with more podcasters we learn more about podcasting and that's a great thing because we all become better podcasters the mistake is i go oh i can only be a podcaster but i can't write a book i can't make a video i can't do that now and that's the mistake that it makes so it should be evolving these titles that we give ourselves these communities should help us evolve not devolve yeah and and not stop us from expanding and growing okay and and so you want to be around people that are always curious and insightful yeah does that make sense nice perfect sense okay thoughts yes thoughts are something what do we have 60 to 80 000 thoughts a day 80 are negative yeah and most of them are repeating thoughts yes so let's talk about thoughts yeah my favorite technique that i talk about in the book is called spot stop swap yeah and so that theme is all around how thoughts are meant to be spotted stop and reflect and then swap and what i mean by that is if you've got a thought that's repeating like you said and is negative i'm guessing you don't want that thought around for too long so you want to spot when does that thought arrive does it arise when i'm with certain people does it arise when i'm on a particular social media platform does it arise when i go to a particular place where is that what is the seed of that thought right so once i identify that i now need to stop spend some time in stillness and go is this thought benefiting me is this thought useful to me is this thought actually leading me to who i want to become and if it's not i need to swap it with a thought so one of my favorite ways of let's take an example of like i feel less than i feel uh like i'm not achieving anything i'm not good i'm no good i'm not good enough so you spot that and you go i always feel that when i'm going through this particular instagram profile because i'm looking at someone who i think is better than me okay what do i swap that with you don't swap that with you're beautiful you're amazing you're incredible because you may not believe that yet but you stop it you swap it with i feel confident when i feel attractive when i feel happy and joyful when and you figure out what is that thing that i need to be and do to feel that emotion yeah don't lie to yourself don't lie to yourself because lying to yourself is not going to get too far and you're losing your integrity as well to yourself which makes you less confident yeah like i feel healthy when i exercise yeah i feel happy when i spend time with my wife yeah there's a there's a line that everyone uses fake it to you make it but it's really you should be facing it till you make it like face that fear face that doubt and say okay what can i do to improve this until i make myself feel better about it if you want to get a result for the long term yes yes like if you just want to make yourself feel better instantly then do what you need to do but if you really want to create a life that's lovely thoughts are can transform your life can in a positive way or a negative way completely i feel like that's the foundation of our life is what we think the best place to talk about that though with thoughts is the movie inception so you look at how a thor is planted into someone's mind and how in that movie leonardo dicaprio in his wife's mind plants a thought that this is not real and that thought grows into a belief belief that is so strong it's crazy right and it's like that is literally what a thought can do and you see that in the joker movie so i i did a whole episode last year which is all about like mental health and the joker and you look at the joker stories he's trying to bring joy to others but everyone treats him badly and so the thought sets in if i'm not worthy i'm not valuable my father doesn't want me no one thinks i'm funny everyone makes fun of me even when i go on tv everyone's laughing at me that idea becomes his reality now i get that that's a fiction movie but the point is still that we see even in today's world that thoughts have the ability to become i i forget the word that leonardo dicaprio uses the movie but that thought yeah cancer or sometimes yeah it's like a cancer in the mind right it like really just expands and so i think we have to be so good at spotting stopping and swapping thoughts i love that okay so beliefs we want to ask about everything and question everything yeah uh spot stop swap thoughts what about words how important is the things that come out of our mouth into existence harvard did a table which i really believe is what mindful speaking is all about so what is this so it's called the it's called harvard list of emotions but i i kind of changed the name to emotional vocabulary because i think it sounds better so an emotional vocabulary if you look at all of the world's emotional vocabulary it's very limited we use five words to describe pretty much everything good bad yeah okay fine so it's like how's your week going good how's your day been bad how are you feeling okay literally like we use such limited words and that may be okay for the majority of people but in your personal relationships it's so important to expand your emotional vocabulary so this table that harvard has made which anyone can find just by typing in harvard list of emotions on google what that does is that it shows you that when you say you're sad what do you actually be in so it gives you all this list of emotions that sit under the word sad are you irritated are you offended are you disappointed have you been let down the more you expand your emotional vocabulary the more you can diagnose how you feel interesting and the more you can tell your partner or your friend this is how i'm feeling this is how i'm actually feeling and and this is one of the biggest mistakes with words is that we think our words mean the same thing now when you say love you might think forever and when i say love i might think for tonight right and that is literally how the word love or care or marriage or forever gets misused abused and thrown about because we both mean different things and our meanings are based on our backgrounds our beliefs our beliefs about how we were born and how our perspectives our culture experience everything yeah it forms our meaning so i really believe that in a relationship in our communication with words define words when you say yeah we're best friends or friends what does that mean to you when we're business partners what does that mean to you a contract in a financial legal sense is to define the terms right but in our emotional sense we also need to define the terms and we don't do that emotionally enough and that's why we feel emotionally like someone broke the contract and you have nothing to hold them to because you never made a contract you never communicated you never communicated the meaning of these words exactly and that's why words are so powerful but they're only powerful when we agree on the definition yeah what are the words we should eliminate from our vocabulary and what are the words we should be adding or using more of words that we should use more of in our life are words that give us the right feeling we want to feel so i'll give an example instead of saying now i work super hard i do get tired and i do get exhausted sometimes i'm very aware of it and i'm cautious of it and i realized that for a long time i just kept repeating i'm tired i'm exhausted i'm tired i'm exhausted and i'd say to my wife i'd say to my team i'm overwhelmed i'm stressed yeah and i still do it sometimes so it's not that i'm perfect but you make me aware of it and i say that i started to realize that okay it didn't make me feel better by saying it and actually what i was trying to do was get validation from someone else to be like i know how hard you work and you're amazing and blah blah blah and so you know you're really doing it for a reaction and then i started to realize well i am tired but why don't i just say i'm gonna make some time to nap today uh i need to i need to find some time today to rest i need to make sure that i uh you know get some time to myself today like when you flip it not by just saying oh i feel amazing because i don't feel amazing again you don't lie to yourself but you're trying to create words that help you actually get what you need so me saying i'm tired really what i need to be saying is i need to get some more rest today i better sleep early and then you go all right you know to rather you know what i think i'm going to sleep early tonight that's that's perfect because now i'll sleep early and i'll get the rest and i won't be tired hey riley i'm so tired it just creates this negative pattern of complaining and whining and and creating that you know what what's the difference between a positive mantra and fake positive thinking because there's you know the power of positive thinking but if it's not accurate to where you're currently at it could be out of integrity with yourself and you could feel off yeah so how do we have a positive mantra or a saying or thoughts or words that support our growth as opposed to i'm fine when you're not fine yeah and that's exactly what i'm trying to avoid because when i'm tired if i was told to just say to yourself i'm healthy i'm excited i'm energetic i may survive for 30 minutes more but that's not going to survive for 30 days or three years and so for me i find connecting positive mantras to a act or an action for example if i'm tired and me saying i think i need to eat on time that action is what's going to solve the fatigue long term or me saying i need to sleep early tonight that action is going to solve the fatigue long term so to me the positive mantra needs to be linked to an action and a habit that's actually going to relieve you in the long term of that pain point right yeah like i need to get my schedule to be more organized on monday mornings and and my favorite example with that again i don't know if yeah this with the words is the definition that i think we see this most prominently in is the definition of time so so many friends will come to me and say my partner doesn't spend enough time or i don't have enough time and what they're really saying is from a partner point of view is i really want energy intimacy and presence and attention it's attention you're not asking for time you're asking for attention and i've had friends who have gone on weekends away with their partners and they'll come back and their partner on monday morning will say i wish we had more time together and the partners thinking well but we just spent the whole weekend together but they're like no because you were doing your work and by the beach and you were reading your book and i was trying to take care of the kids and you realize it was never time it was attention it was intimacy it was presence and so if we don't define those words all right words are all about definitions if you don't define them people will break that contract and their emotional contract and you have nothing to hold them to well you didn't have the you guys weren't aligned to your contract no not at all you just had your belief that like oh she understands me he understands me like this is the way it is in my life and must be the same way in their life exactly what are the actions we should be adding more of in our life and the ones we should be eliminating i think actions that we should be adding more of in our life are actions that create positive habits i think it has to be habits orientated it has to be stuff that we can repeat and and in think like a monk i talk about the four key habits in your day which are thankfulness inspiration meditation and exercise which is the acronym of time so make more time in your day for thankfulness inspiration meditation and exercise those are four actions that i think if everyone wants to take in their day this is what happens when you're thankful you boost your immunity you boost your self-confidence you boost your mood yeah because you go oh people love me that means i matter people care about me that means i have something to care about so it boosts your mood and then when you tell people that you're thankful you now boost connection and relationship and when you thank someone you now boost the feeling of i have people in my life that care about me and i care about them so much comes out of that one action inspiration or insight listening to a podcast reading a book reading a quote when you do that again you feel excited you feel enthused you feel like you're learning you feel like your mind actually works and that they can go somewhere so that's a great action meditation of course we've talked about at length in the beginning and exercise people just don't understand that we could solve so many of our challenges simply by sleep and exercise and diet like those three things change your life could change your life and and we have to just get focused on one at a time and so what in actions i i talk about this thing in principle is we want things to be small steps but big priorities so if you want to change an action in your life it needs to be a big priority and then you need to break it down into small steps what we try and do is we try and change everything at the same time yeah we're like okay i'm gonna only eat lettuce i'm gonna work out three hours a day i'm gonna sleep ten hours i'm gonna be it's like you need to shift your identity around like the thing and take the small steps towards it but don't try to do everything right away yeah like if you want to be healthy and in shape then you need to change your identity to say i am mr fitness yeah right i am fitness yes and i'm going to start living my habits and my actions towards being in fitness in in good health yeah but you can't cut you can't change every habit right away no because then you'll get burnt out after two weeks you'll be like this is exhausting yeah i'm not mr fitness you guys change your mindset and then take those small actions exactly and there's a beautiful quote from this is more like an underpinning actually this kind of leads to the next one we'll save it for the next one yep intentions yeah so there's a beautiful quote from the dalai lama where he said that we're born to help people and if we can't help them let's at least not hurt them and i think that's the intention that you want to leave every person happier than you found them leave every place cleaner than you found it leave every project more productive than you found it like you want to feel that if you couldn't uplift something or someone at least don't pull it down and i think that when you live like that in your intention people feel that this isn't necessarily something that you even have to say or do people feel that when you just leave a place and all you wanted to do is give your energy in a positive way so to me intention is just coming from a place of how do i leave every person just a little bit happier than i found them i don't have to change their lives right but i try not to hurt them try not to hurt them with everything that's been happening in the world right now i'm hearing a lot of people say that intention isn't enough like having a positive you had a i had a good intention to like say the right thing but it offended someone and it impacted them in a negative way yeah so how do people understand that that it's it's about intention but it's also you might hurt people you might offend people even if you weren't intending to how do we shift that in our minds and our actions to sync up our intentions to actually impacting people in a positive way mean it's like yeah it really makes so much sense a real deep intention means that you will care and do the research and study and often we have a good intention but it's not the deepest greatest intention so we try and wing it it's based on our beliefs correct as opposed to doing the research of other things correct and so really good intentions are make you ask questions and make you care and make you compassionate and sometimes that doesn't mean saying a lot sometimes that means listening learning receiving understanding and i think when we are trying to show our good intentions we say a lot and it may be taken the wrong way yeah but when we really want to be our good intentions we're just listening and and learning and asking good questions and you do that really well like you know whenever even if we're you're this person even if we're on a dinner like lewis will ask this many questions even if we're having dinner yeah and we'll go back and forth and i'll ask questions and but you're a really curious and inquisitive person in a in a positive sense and that's why people always feel very comfortable around you to open up and share because they feel that you're really listening right and so i think that's a big part of it is that uh when we're doing that the second part is even if you do all of that there will be people that get offended yeah so even if you master the way of communicating and you really care and you do the research there'll be people that get offended and what you have to realize is that there are just so many more triggers right now so many to everyone's lives and there are deep triggers there too there's historic triggers there's there's so much going on that you can't make it about you and i think sometimes we're like oh how did they get offended me i tried so hard but it's like don't make it about you because there's so many more things at play here there's so much more going on so again we try and reflect it because we want to be liked or considered to be supportive yes but we're not realizing there's just so much more at play here so much and so as long as you did your part and you tried and you acted then that's great but yeah this is something you know we talked about this a couple nights ago at your place talking about detaching yourself like being unattached to how other people react to you and respond to you because it's very hard at times if you're attached to the result of other people's opinions to let it affect you i'm one to blame for that as well like when someone when i feel like people are coming at me i'm like oh like chill out i'm not trying to hurt anyone here right and we the one of the greatest things we can learn is to be unattached that's what i've learned from you so many other great people it's like don't be attached to people hating on you or the triggers because then you'll be staying in a suffering state yeah like you've got to be unattached it's not easy no we're all human beings totally but that's something i want to talk about that the next time yes that's something you can do like a show master class honestly but i want to ask you a couple final questions your whole podcast is about on purpose what's the difference between discovering your purpose finding your purpose living it and living a purposeful life i think that living your purpose is where it's so much about you and your journey and living a purposeful life is when you're now letting that overflow into everyone else's life so it's like you want to find your purpose and you want to feel satisfied that in that but a purposeful life is where you are igniting other people's purposes and it's overflowing yeah with that love and that compassion and gratitude and that's hard because it takes time and you can't expect people to do that while they're still filling up too and and i think sometimes we you know everyone will always look like they're finished and they're done and they made it you know it's like no one's ever made it and you speak to some of the most successful people in the world and even they don't feel they've made it and so we are always doing both at the same time you're always filling up your purpose and you're always trying to be purposeful at the same time but you're not ever going to be fully in purpose and you're never fully going to be purposeful it's all a symbiotic relationship that has to happen in parallel yeah does that make sense to your question makes sense to me i've got so many other questions i want to ask but i'm going to be mindful of time you've got a book out right now that is called think like a monk i've read this book it's amazing i want everyone to go get it go pick it up tag jay when you pick it up tag me let us know that you got it let me know the insights that you found are helpful from i'm telling you you will read this thing over and over again it's really powerful if you enjoyed this you will love that so that's actually number one i want people to go buy your book right now buy it for friend family member the subtitle is train your mind for peace and purpose every day so if you feel out of purpose out of peace this will support you with amazing tools science research everything it's unbelievable that's actually number one action number two go check out jay's podcast on purpose and subscribe over on apple spotify and also listen to the episode that i just did on your show because yeah most people don't get to hear me on my show that much because i'm interviewing but i feel like i probably did the best interview with you you are in flow i have to say like you were in flow i was just sitting there listening and absorbing everyone's gonna love that episode man and it's uh you were just you were so open so vulnerable but you had some great insights that people could really practice and yeah definitely everyone should check it out yeah so go check out jay's podcast uh check out that episode let me know what you think and there's two other episodes that we have here from jay in the past that are amazing he's got his three truce if you want to listen to that his definition of greatness so go check out those so you can see the end of those as well and uh i appreciate you man you're just uh you're always got so much wisdom so much love so much just like p you bring peace to every space you go into that and so i'm just so grateful for our friendship and for your time today and i feel like we can go on for like master classes like every page i'm like this is a masterpiece well we do when we're together i know we should start recording these we spoke the other night for like three hours and that's normal like that's normal for us so but that's what's so special about that for me that's the it's those special parts of the friendship that make this more fun yeah make that more fun it's like having private and public relationships are so beautiful to have both you know what's funny is i feel like i never run out of questions to ask you or myself when we're hanging out it's like we're always finding new things to talk about always yeah we never get bored we're always like talking about thoughts and beliefs and ideas and like yeah how to make the world better yeah how do we impact more people how do we improve what growth areas we have yeah where we what are we missing in our lives like but you do that you have that energy like that's what i mean that lewis on the podcast and louis behind the scenes you're the same person just inquisitive curious always wanting to know is that we talk a lot about curiosity asking questions but i don't think we all do it enough in our daily lives you know so it really enriches relationships when you have a curious mind even when you're with a partner if you can continue to ask them interesting questions different questions it's going to make you look at them in a different way and the relationship's going to continue to grow and evolve totally and that's what i love about your relationship with uh with your wife roddy about how you guys really practice meditation in the mornings together for a couple hours and you have that space and time to think and allow for questions to come and go and you can interact and experience life together in a beautiful way of course you have your ups and downs but it's like if there's something i took away from this is give yourself a minimum of 20 minutes a day to allow for questions and answers to come to you yeah to the problems you have in your life yeah ask questions to shift beliefs and see what works for you make sure you spot stop and swap thoughts to support you and serve other people uh make sure you use actions that have positive habits to them make sure your intentions are not to hurt people and always question your beliefs and then ask these three questions every day how can i be of service today what can i love about myself and what do i want to be that i can love and if you do those things you're going to start living a better life so my man i love you brother appreciate you love this school of greatness appreciate you man thank you very much you guys get the book check out his podcast and uh we'll have you back on soon man amazing thank you man this is awesome and if you want to learn how to become happier in your life then make sure to check out this video right here you get such a deep sense of self-worth that you matter and guess what everyone matters whether you matter to one people or one million people everyone matters but if you see your impact on someone's life you will feel such a deep sense of self-worth

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 148,612

Rating: 4.9260659 out of 5

Keywords: Jay shetty, Jay shetty interview, Jay shetty motivation, jay shetty inspiration, jay shetty speech, on purpose jay shetty, lewis howes, lewis howes interview, school of greatness, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, motivation, inspiration, motivational video, inspirational video, success habits, success motivation, how to find your purpose, how to find yourself, wisdom, build a life not a resume, how to meditate, jay shetty mediation, success

Id: 5Pmu69rdMuw

Length: 78min 17sec (4697 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 07 2020