Before You WASTE Your Life Away, WATCH THIS! | Jay Shetty

don't judge the moment because what we do is we try to label moments as good or bad and when you label the moment as bad it now does not have the opportunity to become good okay welcome back everyone in the school greenest podcast we've got the iconic the legendary my friend jay Shetty thanks for having me this is I'm super pumped you're here this is fun you've been on before I think you're the first first podcast you did was with me a Maitre D' yeah two years ago 2018 Jan yeah is 2018 we met in October 27 Halloween 2027 when Moscow masculinity which is amazing man yeah it's been almost two and a half years since we known each other yeah two and a half years I guess but I feel like I know you better than that then the time that we spend I know because it's deep well we've we've spent a lot of quality time together we pretty much mean like every month for dinner I love it for like five hours yeah we have these bromance dinners amazing dinners what we talk about meditation mindset we talk about challening challenge what we're learning from we're learning what we're staying and we just started playing basketball together with soccer tennis everything with Novak Djokovic we we've been on trips together yeah we just trying to Puerto Rico together we've been in Ohio together when I came in on the screen yes I'm no greatness doing a lot of good things but in New York together and Utah thing you tell ya what's your talk when it was me you Brendan and Mel as well when was this that was for the powerful year that's right okay yes all right I totally got a lot of good things here and you had a live event that you came out with a few months ago that was incredible just so many good things we've done so it's been amazing to watch your journey your growth and if you haven't checked out the last unity we've done make sure you guys go watch that because there's a lot of good stuff about your story your background and everything else and you're just came over the book that's coming out soon called Think Like a month train your mind for peace and purpose every day I'm almost finished which I almost never finished books so I'm excited about this because there's so many powerful strategies and tools to train your mind for peace and purpose and one of the first ones that I love that you talked about is identity I think a lot of us get tied into our own identity and it causes a lot of stress in our life because we're focused on how we look and how we want other people to perceive us now why is identity something that you focused on in the beginning that's something that was important to talk about in the beginning of the book for you yeah absolutely first of all I want to say I'm really grateful to be back really slate so maybe I'm having a real friendship in this space and collaborating and loving what someone else is doing I think first of all like just the friendship we share is really important to me and meaningful to me and I feel like I feel like a lot of people feel like the when their careers growing it's harder when you're older when your careers growing when things are moving forward when we're busier than ever it's harder to build deep relationships and the fact that we've done that in the last two and a half years I think is testament to who you are and the type of person you are horseman it's hard to because I love you to me it's hard to be conscious in creating those relationships when you have work your family ever tell a ship you know all these different things yeah so yeah back to identity so I start off the chapter with this beautiful thought from Charles Horton Cooley and I love telling it because it's just it's just the best and I think it was written in like the 1900s and he said today the challenge is I'm not what I think I am I'm not what you think I am I am what I think you think I am it's crazy man and it's like it blows my mind every time I say gives you the chills like I feel it and the reason I start with identity is because I think that's the root of all our challenges and the first step that thinking like a monk is starting at the root not starting at the symptoms or the superficial or the surface level but let's go to the root if you're playing a role if you're wearing a mask if you're dressed in clothes that are not yours then you end up living a life that's not yours and in the book I give this example of method acting yes yeah I'm a massive movies junkie I love method actors so people like Heath Ledger of course from The Dark Knight series you've got Jared Leto so Jared Leto when he played the Joker in this is not in the book in Suicide Squad he used to send dead rats in the mail to his co-star he did because he was trying to get into the mindset of how someone that perverted would behave and then Daniel day-lewis when he was filming for gangs of new york he's actually wearing these coats that a centuries old so that he can get into character ollie off camera yeah when he can feel it right he's not wearing watches he's not carrying around his mobile phone they're speaking in the accents and he talks about how he actually went crazy because guess what when you fake being someone for so long you think it's your reality and that's what happens to all of us we play a role at work we play a role at home we play a role with our family play a role with our friends and then we think that role is us and we lose ourselves and to me that is the cool reason why we're chasing things that are not important to us we're in unhappy despite reaching accolades and we feel dissatisfied so what should our identity be then our identity should start with unlearning everything that we think we know about ourselves and we unlearn so the best method of unlearning is this first and I'm gonna get really strategic and tactical because I think that people need to know what to do rather than a concept the first thing you do is write down everything you currently are chasing in your life make a lot of all your dreams your goals your dream operants anything that you're currently chasing and pursuing write them down you can write down three go out on five you can write down ten depending on how ambitious you are second line ask yourself what is the source of that where did you get that idea did you get that idea from a TV show you saw did you get that idea from your parents did you get that idea from your mom and your dad your sister your cousin did you get that idea because your friend just got proposed to on Instagram did you get that idea because your friend just got promoted did you get that idea because you just broke up or did you get an idea because you just feel it when you do it then you feel alive obvious answer the example that you had when you're 15 18 was like a goal or accomplishment that you were chasing and where it came from absolutely so my my goal when I was young was to be an investor banker and when I really asked myself where did that come from it came because in my community small community in London the most successful person financially was an investment banker so I believed you had to be an investment banker to be successful so when I asked myself that question where does that come from it comes from society's version of success not mine and then the third thing you ask yourself is well then what is mine what is coming from inside of me and if you just do that pre step process now what you're doing is you're filtering out the noise and you're starting to listen to your voice the thing is you've got a voice inside of you but it's quiet like it's like Jai like take note of me like you know and it's just like trying to get through and the noise of everyone else's opinions is so loud so this way you filter it how do we start to find out what we truly want then not based on what other people think is success how do we how do we listen to ourselves and if you've been chasing something your whole life how do you say well actually that's not what I want this is yeah one of the biggest mistakes we make is that we confuse in experience with being unqualified so because we've not tried a lot of things we just naturally believe that we can't be that good at them so if I've never spoken on a stage I just think I'm probably not good at that or if I've never played golf I'd probably think I'm probably not good at that and so we start writing off things without even trying them so the best method I can shada to share with someone is take the next month take the next four weekends in the month that gives you eight days and get really tight to cool every single day that's why you're playing tennis a lot right yeah take the eight days go join the course and online course of workshop go and shadow a friend go to seminar a conference go to reading a book listen to a podcast go and expose yourself to eight different things in a month eight different eight different things in a month and guess what in a month you will have learned what you probably would have learned in eight years because most of us test one new thing a year maybe maybe if that exactly right like some people don't even do that but if you do eight different things in a month and this is how you have to see it if you went to eight different restaurants in a month you ask yourself after you eat a meal like I had that burrito or I had that taco did I like it right the first question you try it first you gonna try it first you got to go to the restaurant yeah there's no point so you got to say did I like it the second question you ask yourself is why did I or why did I not like it mm-hmm like why is so important I think too many people just go I like it or don't like it why did I like and the third question you have to ask yourself really really simple is do I want to do it again and if you do that's where you start uncovering is so my point is in experience do not misinterpret inexperience for a lack of qualification I'm guessing you're doing things in your life right now that you would have ridden off if you didn't try I know you've talked about relying a best-selling book you've talked about it with amazing document I never believed I could do half of the things I'm doing today and you know that because we met when I was just creating content on social media and it's like now when you see things expand you're like you don't know until you give it a go and ask yourself do I enjoy it yes so I grew up very competitive and you talk about competition as one of these Kember if it's like four or five different things and competition is one of the things that's actually like I've heard the page yeah here but you talk about competition it's like not the highest level of ourselves yes in my entire life I was competitive was driven to beat other people and in the last seven years I've shifted so much I'm still competitive still want to win but I'm not like hurt if I lose I'm not upset I'm not that doesn't defeat me emotionally whereas before it used to be like this was my identity winning I had to win now it's like okay what did I learn what did I gain from the spearing said I have fun did I enjoy it and I inspire people even if I didn't win in this situation and in Chapter two you talk about negativity and the quote you use is is it it is impossible to build one's own happiness on the unhappiness of others does competition in unhappiness linked together in your mind like if we need to be competitive to be happy in order if someone else loses how do we how do we manage ourselves in this competitive world of winning in sports of building a bigger business of the different things being number one in New York Times bestsellers how do we manage that with this world we're in but also wanted to be happy the same thing yeah what a great question so the way I see it is that competition in and of itself is not good or bad and and this is like the monk mind cell and 99% of things that this mug is not good or bad it can be filled with water or it could be filled with poison yes and so competition I'll give you an example as monks our competition is and how much love and respect we showed to each other that's your company do you compete on how long can we meditate and I did this plenty of times really if i sat there and I thought oh yeah look at him he's scratching his back he brought out like your meditation just got destroyed all the value and so monks will never ask how long you meditate they focus on how deep you meditate and someone who meditates deep doesn't go on about how deep it was but but you compete for showing respect you compete for serving each other you compete for how well you can collaborate and I feel like you live this yes like I feel like you have not used to do that yeah I feel like we're always trying to find a way where we can be better friends to each other and support each other and so you're competing on that and and that's a positive competition that I think you can have so you can still use and this is the beautiful thing about the monk mindset you can use any thing in a positive way now in your second question about what does it mean about business and New York Times bestseller lists and being number one this is how I see it if while you're writing your book if while you're recording your podcast if you're sitting there going I hope this is gonna be number one this better be number one hope I sell more copies than this person is launching at the same time because that's the only way well guess what now the quality of your output right now has just dropped because guess what you're now living 75 percent in the future and you're 25% right now and guess what this 25% is going to define that future goal and result and your happiness and your happy where did you get the result of not totally where as for me when I was writing my book and of course I want my book to be a best-selling book of course I want my podcast to of course we don't do anything for it to be lost like no one does that but what I do know is that when I'm creating what I'm producing when I'm writing that's all I'm doing see the truth is that only 2% of the world's population can multitask now the crazy thing is one of those 2% 2% when people hear that they think I mean that oh I'm a sign that everyone thinks that they're in that but most of us are the 98% yeah and the truth is there is no such thing as multitasking what it is is fast switching between two tosses the quality's just dropping because you can actually you cannot do two things I want you cannot no one genuinely can do two things that one guess you could maybe like Patrick head into this to say yeah you can't do something productive the same time Oh creative and so what I'm saying is that when you're sitting here going this needs to be number one you are reducing that things ability to be number one because it now doesn't have your full focus right so that's the difference maker that you can want to be number one there's nothing wrong with that but you can't keep comparing what number one is to someone else's goal two because everyone's got a different trajectory like there are some people that are kind of come in and do really well on one thing and you're gonna do really well at another and that's why competition has to first be in your space like don't compete in a space that's not yours because now you're just trying to be someone else again and you get an identity exact any exactly you talk about the four motivations one it's fear desire duty and love and as I was reading this you know fear is kind of like the making sure you have your basic needs met right it's like do I have shelter do I have food and my protected am i safe you know living in fear it's being driven to get out of that fear again it's right over treatment or driven by that then you have desire which is probably what was most of my life was my one of my main motivation which was desire seeking personal gratification through success wealth and pleasure it's probably most of like any teenage boy ya know who's just like watching the media and seeing what their friends do they're driven by desire mm-hmm girls money cool toys results success I don't want to generalize it but that's what I saw a lot grunt sure - now the the last two the third and fourth are duty and love duty is motivated by gratitude responsibility and the desire to do the right thing and love is compelled by care for others and the urge to help them and I feel like in the last seven years it's been more duty in love it's more like mission focused and there's a mount of happiness that have never felt before until I reached practicing duty and love and I remember I never was able to fall asleep at night until about 17 years ago without an hour hour and a half of just anxious anxiety stress concern worried and when I shifted from seeking personal gratifications to being motivated by a mission and love and gratitude it's like I started to fall asleep within minutes and it's crazy but why do we live in this fear motivation and desire motivation when it only causes us a lot of pain a great question man and thanks for sharing your journey - because I mean everyone as you can see Luis is already thinking like a monk so I love it but it's so yeah great question the challenge is that we think things come with emotions feelings we think things come with feelings and emotions and guess what they don't so if you chase money or they might for a moment right or they well I don't think they even do also it's such a false sense of feeling I don't maybe for a moment but it's so short-lived that it's it's not even worth counting or mush so it's like when you when you think that I'm chasing money guess what you will get money yep and that's great money is really important the money is a really important resource but guess what money's not now gonna fill that gap that void that feeling that emotion that you're missing in your life what a most simple missing we're missing a deep sense of love I think I think the biggest need in the world as we've heard many times before from all the ancient texts they said they summarized it like this to love and be loved like that is the need of humanity to love and be loved and when we don't experience that we then start looking for status we then start looking for money that we then start looking for recognition just to help us give the feeling of false sense of love correct and the challenge is because most of us didn't experience that from our parents and this is the key thing what we crave in life is what we did or didn't get from our parents what our parents did give us is what we continued to crave or what they didn't give us is what we continue to crave so you'll find that most people's love languages that they chase are things that their parents didn't give them so if their parents didn't give them time they now crave everyone's time if their parents didn't give them gifts they crave gifts if their parents didn't give them acts of service they'd be craving theirs acts of service so it's because of our childhood and if we don't learn to process all of that experience which most people never get the time to do and I empathize with that because I've had to go through that I've seen me repeating my parents patterns I've seen even you were craving so I would crave a big thing for me was I would crave surprises and gifts because yeah that's my favorite they still like me yeah and and I did your parents not do that for you no they did my mom did a lot of it that's why it's still quite wrecked so my mom would always every year on my birthday she'd always surprise me with the one thing I wanted and I wasn't spoke growing up I didn't have a lot growing up but she would get that one thing whether it was like a Power Rangers toy or whether it was whatever it was you know something you know game yeah thing is you want as a kid right and she would always surprise me with that and that became so deep-rooted now I'll give you an example when I then married my wife you just expect people to know that they're gonna do the same thing Tony and she didn't do that no because I'm expecting my wife to be like my mom in the sense of I expected a surprise or show me love in the same way and she doesn't know that she's not a mind-reader I can't explain expected to know that so it took communication it took time for me to explain that certainly that I think that's where it stems from that desire it doesn't come from any you can say comes from society and education of course it does but I think the deepest place it comes is what your parents did or didn't give you that's that's where yeah now this was really cool I think right now there's a lot of anxiety there's a lot of concern there's a lot of fear in the world with coronavirus and just people concern in general of the chaos of their life whether it's growing a virus or anything else is happening people seem to live in this fear state of mind right now a lot you talked about the fear of fear and how you had to learn to let go of your fear of fear what does actually mean letting go of the fear of fear yeah so I talk about how we fear the wrong things that we fear so most of us are fearful of how our friends are reacting what's happening on social media and what's the random bit of news that we heard none of it is fact-based that's one of the biggest issues they're worried based it's worried based and it's also imagination based so we become fiction writers we've all watched too many movies now we start writing these beautiful movies in our head we're not beautiful scary movies in the head of what may happen so our imagination and Seneca said it best we suffer twice won in reality and won in imagination but we suffer twice and this is the blood actually happens to us telling a story we continue to tell stories now there's this incredible study in the book that I have to talk about so they took monks and they took non monks and they set against each other so they put this plate where you experience heat and so what happens is the non monks touch this plate now this plate heats up gradually softly and then at one point it gets really hot for 10 seconds and it cools down and so what happened is that when the non monks touched it the anxiety and pressure and stress in their brain just triggered straight away even though it wasn't that hot it wasn't hard it was heating but it wasn't hard to do anything major - but the anxiety and stress in imagination or in anticipation went through the roof in the non monks now this is what's fascinating when the monks touched it they showed that it didn't feel anything as it rose but as it got to its highest they felt physical pain but they showed no trigger of emotional pain because they did not assign any emotional element to that pain so my point with that is you can look at the news right now and you can get scared straight away and get in complete freeze mode feeling stuck paralyzed whatever it is because what doing is you're creating a story of what's going to happen and that story you can cause sickness in yourself you can cause serious by the sores not actually the reality that the facts of the disease hitting you or something happening physically to you totally and that story again can be used positively so your story may actually be true but if it's going to be true now you can prepare and that shifts you away from being scared because now you're preparing us and so the real can be confident because you're prepared exactly and so we should be shifting our fear energy into preparation energy because what fear does is it keeps you lock there right we just feel stuck I'll give you an example and when you were preparing for big games when you used to play in the NFL right and you're playing American football against some of the biggest athletes in the world it's like you can either sit there be scared that you're gonna play this game on the weekend well you can prepare and your confidence is in the preparation so when people go how to feel confident right now are you preparing I put in the reps are you putting the right are you building your immunity are you taking your vitamins are you in lots of water are you drinking lots of water are you taking the steps that are needed to prepare for whatever is coming you will feel more confident that way yeah so how do we learn to let go of the fear fear though like how do we say okay we're only gonna allow it to hurt us when it actually hurts us and not the fear of it is our process is there just an awareness of this that when you're in anxiety worry stress fear you you just breathe and meditate then what's the process of letting go of the fear of fear yeah so meditation mindfulness powerful tools but I'd say the process and and I wanted to be as tactical and strategic as we can the thing is to get really close to that fear so what we usually do race it embrace it get close to get intimate with it we become the bat we're the bat cave literally embrace the facility we run away from fear we like to run away and go oh it's not coming with me and all what we do is we hear one thing and we define the whole understanding of our fear based on that one thing so it's like someone and I'll give you a normal example in a normal life scenario someone says to you in the office you know that you know that they're gonna cut a few people and you don't even check you don't even know real and now you just made it real and now you're running with it and you're trying to run away from it so you're trying to avoid conversations with your boss you're trying to avoid any conflict you're trying to you know you're just you just trying to avoid it and so actually what you need to do is go okay let me actually discover that fear let me go intimate with that fear let me ask myself where's that fear coming from what am I really scared of what am I really scared of am i really scared of losing my job am I scared of not having any money what am I really scared of and when you get to the Rue and I call it the Y ladder in the book so it's asking yourself what am I scared of and then go why am I scared of this why am I scared of this why am I scared of this and when you can't ask why any longer you've got to the answer and that's what you have to deal with most of us are not dealing with what we're actually scared of that's how you let go you let go by keep asking you so I'll give an example of mine like if I heard that or of you hear that in your office that people are getting real cut it's like you just get scared and panicked but the question is why am I scared of that am I scared of that because I've been working hard for six months am I scared of that because I've been skipping meetings am I scared of that because I know my boss would probably find me first or am i scared because I've been performing really well and I'm expecting a promotion knowing which one it is it sets you up to build the path forward not knowing that just puts you in this panic frenzy I think also like doing all the things you talked about which is discovering with yourself being aware of it but also just how the conversation hundred run it with your manager your boss and say hey listen I heard some rumors that there might be some cuts and I want to let you know that I'm a hundred percent committed to doing whatever it takes yeah help this company grow yes hundun was not believed in this mission more than anything here's what I've been doing the last three months and here's what I want to continue to do is there anything else I can do totally I've showed them to like why you shouldn't get caught exactly and that's you know how to approach that discussion when you know which side you're on what your fear is I remember as a freshman playing football I was playing division 2 football Minnesota they usually registered all the freshmen and I went into this with a big ego thinking like I'm gonna start or at least I want to play right so I went there with an ego in the first place but I also which wasn't good but I also went into with some things that work from this conversation I tell the coach straight up like I know you don't play freshman but my intentions to play what is it going to take for me in order to get on the field you know do I need to get her early don't need to stay late can I sit here in the office with you after the before practice and go over gain film whatever it was and he was he told me yeah I need you to come in the office every single day and watch Game film with me I need to be with your receiver coach every single day beforehand and doing reps and I just did it and I eventually started to play my freshman year I didn't start in the beginning but I started to start at the end and that for me it was powerful it's like I dressed it because I wanted to play and I was afraid I wasn't gonna play at all and just waste a year of practicing like every other freshman would do there that was my ego going I think I need to play but I was also like I'll do whatever it takes and I'll practice and I'll confront it with conversation and say this is my intention this is my vision and I'm gonna do whatever it takes for you and so I think that it's a perfect example gonna work place you've got to be confronting it and be proactive in your calm correct and that's a perfect example of getting close to fear rather than running away from the spot on then for me my whole mission in the last year and moving forward the next projects I'm working on are all about belief and yourself I believe self-doubt is the killer of dreams and I believe that and you have this amazing graph in here it's about ego versus self esteem how do we build self belief self-esteem self-confidence while also not allowing our ego to be so big and thinking we can just do anything how do we balance ego and self confidence so they don't hurt each other yeah absolutely and what we experience most of the time is extremes so the two extremes that most of us experience are either I have to think I'm the best I'm the best in the world to watch anyone look I'm not gonna show everyone what I'm like or most of us experience the other extreme which is I'm the worst I'm the stupidest I'm the dumbest under the most worthless I'm the biggest loser notice how that's both ego yeah why is the negative say the ego wants to be the best of best all the ego wants to be the worst of the worst the ego won't accept being in the middle really the ego wants to feel the deepest sense of being the lowest and that's where victim mentality is actually a subsequence of ego really yeah that's how it's explaining the bammed gita because the point is that you can't do with just being bad you have to be the reverse my pain is the worst exact Jada talked about the podcast where she was like you know I had to tell people why my hurt was more painful than their hurt and they could never understand how bad it was exactly exactly that's ego as well so you see these two sides of ego keeping us locked away and so the only way to get with that and the only way to balance it and bring it all into one is genuine self honesty honesty is the best place to be in the best thing my honesty is I'm really good at this I'm really average of that and I'm really bad at that and the challenge we have with that is most of us have no idea we just have zero self awareness about what we are good at when we are bad and we'll go average so we think I'm pretty average at everything I'm pretty good at everything and when I hear those answers I'm like simple things just go and talk to people that know you then what am i greater awesome that's my superpower what do I do differently what do you think I do that is different no one else does and guess what I guarantee if you ask a colleague if you ask a friend if you ask a family member if you ask a people with different things there are say different things but you get to learn about yourself so real confidence comes from knowing your strengths and going all-in on them your confidence does not come from just standing up the right way or just saying the right stuff to yourself right and that's important I am a big believer in all of that but what I'm saying is that dad doesn't build real confidence real confidence comes from thinking I'm really good at this I know I can do this and I love doing it and really this is the most important bit confidence comes from serving other people when you see the impact you have on others and this is the biggest issue the reason why we have such low self esteem today in the world is because people are not serving others so they don't see the profound impact they have on others when you put out a video or a podcast and people tag you on Instagram and they say Luis you stopped me from depression or you helped me out of a divorce or people when there was my content number like that stopped me from coming suicide or whatever it's when you see that you get such a deep sense of self-worth that you matter and guess whatever or not is whether you matter to one people or 1 million people everyone matters but if you see your impact in someone's life you will feel such a deep sense of self-worth and so whether you're serving at a giving out free food or whether you're serving at a local charity place or whether you're serving through your work serve serve serve because when you take that step you you get a boost of self esteem but why do so many of us live in fear and desire mode as opposed to duty and love mode why is that like why we still focus on self as opposed to service its conditioned its conditioned right I've said this before that we're wired for generosity but we're educated for greed I think I decided to you two years ago it's like and when I said that in the statement given so true and wide for generosity the educated for greed because what happens is one of the kids you see kids you want to share God their way they're gonna share my candy bar whatever yeah and then as we get older we're told that there's less and this is what the key is as we get older we're told there are finite numbers of how many kids get made onto the basketball or baseball team we're told there's a finite number of college bases we're told there's a finite number of how many tickets there are we're told there's a finite number of people that are successful guess what in the theatre of happiness there are infinite and unlimited seats and there is a singing your name on it there is a seat with your name on it in the theatre of dreams in the theatre of happiness but you think that because you think that there are only a hundred people allowed in that if someone else makes it before you that you don't get in and guess what is there a cap on how many billionaires there are in the world no no is there a cap on how many millionaires around the world know is there a cap on how many happy people there are in the world no and that's why I really am encouraging Forbes I don't Forbes forget printing your richness to do that we should do this serving the most in the world Wow it'll be competition place yeah so I gave more than you get and that's why it should be service based on time energy and money because we should start showing how much time people give how much energy people give I'm on the tracer I don't think she gave any money to her charities but you get enough time and energy yeah you know you looked at all the people you made a change in the world - the King Gandhi like they may not have given a lot of money to stuff they gave time and energy you don't think your resources but your resourcefulness your love your love man your focus your attention your compassion love that you know resourcefulness of the heart not of the wallet I think Islam yeah and you don't need to have a lot of money to make a big impact you don't there's and and this is the training see we've been educated for greed because we've been told everything's limited there's limited number of this limited number of this number and every time you plain numbers and I think it was Bob Marley who said it every time you playing numbers you'd always be dissatisfied because guess what someone's going something someone's always gonna have more I was speaking of a friend recently and and it's me and and this friend was telling me that he you know bought a home which is very expensive very very expensive and he went to a party at someone else's house and he told me that when he was getting a tour of this party he found out that this person had a painting on his wall which cost the amount his house caution and say he was joking Wow like that that guy's paint painting in the house he's got my house on his wall Wow and and that just puts things into perspective and you think about that like and then you look at something like Jeff Bezos and you think oh well he's the richest man in the world but does he have the most fame no he doesn't does he have the most beauty subjective decision does he have the most strength or power maybe not and so no one has the most of everything so when you measure yourself by numbers you'll always be second third fourth fifth in something and I think by measuring yourself by needing to have the most of anything is probably a recipe for unhappiness I'm like oh okay I'm not gonna the most of anything but I'm gonna have the most money you're still gonna be unhappy tell you even if you have the most of something doesn't mean you're gonna be happy totally I think it was Albert Einstein who said it best that know everything that can be counted counts and not everything that counts can be counted and and I love that because it removes this belief that things are finite and limited and that's not if you want to be happy and successful if no matter that there are 700,000 podcasts if that is your Dharma if that's your poorly if that's your purpose like you can do that there isn't there's no cap on on how many successful soccer players that can exist at the same time or how many books around in the world there's no cap there's no one stopping you and that's the mindset that we're educated for that scarcity angry and what's the difference between the monkey mind and the monk mind yeah I'm glad you brought that up so the monkey mind is what we experience on a day-to-day basis the monkey mind is restless the monkey mind is jumping from branch to branch the monkey Minds trying to find a bigger banana the monkey mind is constantly just like feeling flustered dissatisfied or scarce and overthinking everything the monk mind is the exact opposite the monk mind is calm and composed the monk mind knows to be focused and aware the monk might know so everything in this book and everything that we're talking about is the transformation from the monkey mind that we experience to the monk mind the monkey mind is almost the enemy to the monk mind it's the opposite us and how does someone who is living in a sense of scarcity because there are people living in scarcity where they're unable to pay their bills they're unable to provide food for their kids there are single moms they're distressed they're stressed they're overwhelmed it's hard to get into a sense of abundance when you're in scarcity and stress so how does someone find purpose in chaos when they can't even get out of the thinking because they're just trying to survive yeah so a beautiful question my biggest answer is first of all I empathize with anyone who's been in that situation having I can't ever say I've been in that situation in the same way but I've experienced similar things sort of stealing in your life yes in my own way and I've seen my mom go through stuff yeah yeah I know that my mom worked really hard to raise me and my sister while working you know while running around and I've I've seen my mom be that incredible power of a person and that the main thing I'd say is what you can do right now is find meaning in what you do make what you do your meaningful passion and purposeful you don't need to suddenly look to become an entrepreneur or start a side hustle or find some more time find meaning and the way you find meaning as you genuinely stop press pause for a second and go what am i living for what am i living for right now and if you're living for your child and if you're living to provide and put food on the table that is a beautiful thing that we should celebrate more and sometimes it takes us a moment to stop and celebrate that and so I would say find meaning cuz you can't always find happiness you can always find positivity but you can always find meaning in that position so I'll give an example like I lost someone really important to me a mentor a few days back I can't be positive about that you can't be happier sir yeah it's hard fall for sad you feel lost but guess what I can find meaning in it because I can make a list of every lesson he taught me and make a plan to try and live every one of those lessons that's right for and and so if you're in a really tough situation right now don't look for positivity don't look for happiness look for meaning that's a good one not trying to and not trying to get it yourself out of pain too quickly or discomfort or frustration yeah which I've been a guilt to be like you know just be positive right or whatever to people but I think it's like you know have your experience yes live your experience and find meaning as quickly as possible yeah and create a commitment to how you want to use that meaning moving forward okay I may not be great tomorrow maybe now with next week next month but I'm gonna use this meaning to serve other people to continue to do what I love continue to be great to my friends my family and the best way possible and when you start doing those small things with love and kindness so much more opens up it's likely you to when you can be trusted with the small things and the small moments you get trusted with more and more and more and so like it helps to just in that moment and it's in those painful moments that you realize how powerful you are we all know that like you've nearly recognized it and and what you said was beautiful about not rushing through the pain because and and you know I this examples probably been shared before but if you have a wound and you've cut yourself it's like you can't rush the healing you can't rush if you broke your arm I mean you've been through so many barony injuries you can't rush the process it's gonna take six weeks minimum the heel broke oh yeah I know Mom and you've got to sit through that it's heaping there's no injections you can take there's no videos you can watch there's nothing you can listen to but a lot challenges we try and rush through the pain rather than reflect through the pain you try to rush the healing process but I'll rush the healing and you can't rush healing and healing is meant to be slow because it buys you time it buys you reflection it gives you so much space to slow down to slow down and that's what your body's pulling off and this is our emergency like how many times have you earlier where you slow down you slow down and that's when you fall ill because that's what your body has been trying to tell you to slow down and you feel pain so I write about and think like a monk pain makes you pay attention yeah that's what pain is four panes notice this notice this look at me it's like a crying baby craving for attention babies crying you know just god I was crying you know just go oh yeah we'll just put in another room and forget about it all right let you go to and you find its needs whereas without pain when something is painful we're just like oh yeah I'll just forget about it how do I escape from I'll do something else you have to go into that I'm numb the pain that's all or whatever 100% that's that's usually our response is what can I do to numb this work more have sex more drink more whatever's more whatever it is rather than let me actually become a look and guess what the pain just gets higher and higher and higher and higher because I'm fortunate till it really hurts we don't stop or you need more and more to numb it with so true and so you go doing the extremes of life so true now what's been the most painful thing you've had to experience since because I know leaving the monkhood wasn't painful for you because this was a mission of yours that you wanted to have for your whole life and I think you were there for three and a half years so what's been the most painful thing I guess in the last six or seven years since that time that you've had to reflect back on take notice of pay attention to and reevaluate that's a great question I think for me it was in 2016 I moved out to New York so just let me paint a picture of 2016 I move three jobs I got married I moved country and I just just died a whole new life like my life just transformed so we went to all of that with my wife in one year and by the way all of that was surprises the job change was surprises yeah the country change was a surprise the marriage was not a surprise we play around apart from everything else everything was a surprise now I said I like surprises so I can roll over there but my point is that's a lot of transition in the Hamish transition and I felt the burden of being in a new city where we had no family we had no friends and my wife who loves being around her family and no one understands just how close she is to them I felt this burden on me that I taken away her time with her family and now she was alone so I was going out to work and she'd be crying at home and I was thinking she's got no friend she's got no support and I know you can relate to this we're moving and relationships and so much going on and so it's like I'm dealing with that and guess what six months later I have to leave and move on and work on a new career to build everything myself and then I'm four months away from being broke and so on top of all of this I've now got four months away from being broke I've got enough money money to save for four months to pay for rent and groceries and identity in New York City and that's it and guess what even on top of that I've got 30 days before my visa runs out I'm kicked out of the country so I can't even live here anymore so not only have I just got married moved job three times change career again had to move into upon the four months of being broke and I might get kicked out in 30 days and my renewal for my visa cost $15,000 or so that's gonna eat into those four months I have probably never been under that much emotional physical and a mental pressure in my life like genuinely I felt it and I thought my body changed my my breath was more stressed I would be breathing for shorter breaths not deep breaths heartbeat not working out you get into lazy habits you start craving junk food sugar I'm living in a 500 square foot apartment with my wife which is which is tiny like everything's in that space and guess what we both work from home so I'm now sitting at a desk hunched over trying to figure stuff out she's trying to cook in the same run like I'm trying to just just try to figure out what to do and I remember the next morning sending like a hundred emails to people and just being like this is who I am this is what I can do how can we serve and that's the same year that I ended up meeting you later in that year and the beginning three months of that journey was so stressful like they were so stressful because I was like what if I had to move back to London what am I gonna say to her parents I mean I just took their daughter away like just got married didn't you up safe for six months and my life's falling apart like you know so much and I've got all these views but there's nothing there's nothing happening in also you also I mean at this time you're also growing so much how are you able to create and reach this impact with your videos yeah that's growing while you're under so much stress and uncertainty and I stopped a bit of that time like things start up down hard but like things slow down I remember I wasn't praying as much as I was because I don't enjoy creating from stressful pressure and I don't think you can really create something from stress and pressure so we've really slowed down at that time and when I was creating I was creating from a place of recognizing that I could share what I had learned and what I had grown in so far so anything I was sharing was like this is what I've learned so far so that was the biggest pain that I've been through in the last seven years for sure and all I can say is that I remember coming home to my wife knowing that this was going to be the truth and I came on I said - I said I guarantee you this is gonna be the best thing that ever happened to us what the pain the pain I said that for the night I came home and then she vows I literally came home I looked realizing oh this is the scenario and I just want you to know that I guaranteed you this is the best thing that's ever gonna happen to us and I said to and this is this is a monk statement I wish to repeat I said I'm just not gonna judge the moment don't judge the moment because what we do is we try to label moments as good or bad and when you label the moment as bad it now does not have the opportunity to become good I'll give an example if I know I don't like this book this book's bad right and I don't and I love this but if I say that guess what I will never pick it up and recognize the value inside of it because you've labeled it yes and we label stuff like we label all that restaurants bad but when you label them immersions bad that person's bad now you can't learn from that person or a great one that's a really good one as soon as you start labeling people or anything is good or bad you limit it you stop it from being something else and here's the truth every moment can evolve into being anything if you give it the opportunity to right but as soon as you say it's got no value anymore you lose it and so for me I had to say to myself don't judge the moment and I'd keep repeating that on just where you're at don't judge what's happening yeah judge is negative don't don't just start saying it's negative because guess what we've all been in positions where a gift turned into a curse and a curse turned into a guest room right where our dreams came true and it would end up not being what we wanted exactly it fell apart and it led us into the our dream Jodi why is it that so many people that win the lottery go broke gifts contended to curse his to zero but because we labeled them it's the best moment in our life or the worst moment in our life whereas when you approach things to neutrality and just what you have on the table you give it okay what am I going to do next that's why the greatest quarterbacks are neutral energy then but getting a little excited they'll get a little fist pump in there every now and then but they're not hyped every play and they're not negative every play they have this calm they see the field there you drop a pass and it's like a little bit let's go but it's very neutral even when a score touchdown unless it's made with a Super Bowl or a big chairmanship at the end of a game in the middle of the game you want to keep it pretty like even keel paced so you can prepare for the best or the worst that's great yeah but they've always up and down it's like your energy levels will go up and down and you'll be exhausted you need to have energy in life totally if everything is tied around a story of this is bad this is wrong I'm in a bad place I'm messing up I'm going broke that energy they will pull you away from service exactly or creation or creativity of how do I get out of this place I think it's really I love that and I used to have a coach and I think a lot of coaches use this already she used to say to us you'd be like if you if you lose cry for a day and if you celebrate if you win celebrate for a day and then move on the next day get back to training don't don't let it all right over the past don't live in the past and what we do is when we lose we cry for a month and when we win we just move on which means that our negative experiences hold us back and weigh us down more than our positive experiences so we're actually allowing because we don't immerse ourselves in winning and growth we only submerge ourselves in negative experiences we need to celebrate also we try to celebrate I've been you know that's been part of my life as well as like moving on too quick and now we try to like let's enjoy let's go to lunch or dinner and really like appreciate this moment and celebrate this moment even have a dinner with some friends and family otherwise what are we working so hard for 100% and then we almost feel like we can't we can't do that because that makes us complacent right but but that's my points there was good enough exactly but if you win celebrate for a day if you lose cry for a day move on simple and you've learned so many lessons over your years as a monk you learn to tell lessons moving you know getting married moving into a new country building building companies launching products and books and you've had ups and downs what's been the biggest lesson in the last 12 months for you because you've learned you've created so much in the last 12 months you've done so many things what's been the biggest lesson for you in your life oh that's a big question I think I'd have to say that it's a and I was saying it to a friend on the phone this morning when I was on the way to you and I was just I was just sharing it with him because he was having a moment in recognizing this there's a wonderful verse in the Manu smithii which I talk about and think like a monk it's a monk book and in the verse it says when you protect your purpose your purpose protects you now I want to unpack that what I mean by that is your purpose is like a rare jewel and a rare gemstone and imagine you were walking around with the most expensive diamond or jewel in the world how would you protect it you want it just like you wait wait oh yeah yeah you wouldn't wear it on your chest like this holding it yeah putting a pillow around up like a you do I protect you'd protect it and so your purpose is like that guess what people are tell you every day that that jewel is not worth anything they're gonna tell you that that jewel is actually valueless it doesn't have any impact on your life they're gonna try and take away that value they're gonna tell you that there's another jewel out there that you need to have more value and what ends up happening is you don't I love the word look at the wording protect your purpose you have to protect it so what happens is your success grows you get more opportunities more ideas more things coming your way temptations but they can all take you away from your purpose distractions and to me I'm repeating this for myself because I'm like I just want to stick to what I was born to do and I'm so grateful that I get to do it I'm so happy I get to do it and I want to keep protecting it I don't want to get lost in the waves you know you don't just get chucked in the waves of the ocean and just get lost and just not know where you're going so for me when you protect your purpose your purpose protects you so that's been your biggest lesson that's my biggest lesson why do you like your purpose has been maybe distracted and it has but I'm saying it so it doesn't like reminding myself completely to myself right now it's especially being in Hollywood and the temptation of all these opportunities out here totally and I think for me it's a bigger lesson also because it gives me more faith so I always encourage and this is actually that actually this is why it's my biggest lesson I encourage so many people that I coach so many people I mentor obviously everyone in my community and audience and everything to go and follow that go and live that purpose and I see time and time again that when I see people trying to live their purpose they are protected that it things work when you're playing in your Dharma and your purpose things work things move you feel momentum happen they happen and I'm not saying they happen without effort but they happen they move whereas when you're not you just constantly feel like you're grinding up against you know a war I know challenges just just constant so what is your purpose and when did you discover it good question what is my purpose is simple it's always has been since not since the beginning because I discovered it afterwards my purpose is making wisdom go viral and I've stuck with that I've stepped in that way because to me and and there's more to it making wisdom go viral through entertainment would say is my purpose because I believe that that is something that is uniquely my goal impact and service and the beautiful thing is I'm not limited to a platform so that can be books it can be podcast can be TV shows it can be moved it's not limited and this I learned by reading I was reading after and this was after my video started to get seen this wasn't before I did it it wasn't like I sat down and I wrote this fancy tagline I was reading Selina Ishmael's book called exponential organizations and in this book he talks about something called an M T P a massive transformational purpose and he says that every major person organization in the world has an MTP so an MTP has to be aspirational it has to be massive and it has to be service and purpose based so Google's is organizing the world's information notice it doesn't say we're an SEO company notice it doesn't say we do Google Ads they're organizing the world's information that's how big they're dreaming and when you're organizing the world's information you can do driverless cars you can do Google glass you can sell Google Ads whatever it is and so Ted's ideas worth spreading that's what they are that's what about so jay Shetty is making wisdom go viral that's what I'm dedicated to so when did you discover it because it wasn't when you were it wasn't when you're 21 in college I did say I was that - you probably - three years ago somebody - no so I'd say like - three years ago is when I discovered thirty years old is when you discovered your purpose correct so what was your purpose before that my purpose before that was finding my like it's like that process of just like my purpose before that was 14 years so I've been online for four years I've spent ten years offline talking about the same stuff sharing the same messages in talks in universities in small seminars in coaching and mentoring like I've been doing the same thing for 14 years but I didn't realize it was my purpose until very recently but I just did what I enjoyed and naturally try to get better so if we don't know what our purpose is and we're working towards finding our purpose it's okay that's actually where you're gonna spend most of your life discovering what your party and that's the best big cuz I think a lot of people are like I don't know my purpose is totally this why just how should I find it the pressure of finding your purpose is crazy we stopped you from finding your purpose yeah the pressure is so heavy and that's why it's not about finding that it's just starting with the basics what am I good at and I talk about it I break down Dharma in here and I do what what are you passion what is your expertise what is your compassion because that's really important what is your compassion for the world like what problem do you want to solve I often people would say there's so many things I could do there's so many things that I'm like my question is not what causes you the greatest joy sometimes my question is what is what causes you the greatest pain make that your purpose made and your purpose if you don't only joy is you definitely know what your pain is outlined in the world you know like and so for me go serve that thing a hundred percent so for me the greatest pain I see in the world is people not reaching their potential now is because I believe that there is someone out there who is stacking shelves who has the cure to cancer there is someone out there or he's hounded singer there's a talented singer there is someone out there who's not living to their potential and I think we're better people who are better partners and we're better parents and we live to our potential so that's what I'm trying to solve and I'm not saying this the biggest thing sure say it's my thing whenever I work with people I'm always telling them to find your purpose focus on what you're most passionate about or what you you have the most pain around there you go the same thing hey like do the thing you love the most keep doing it until you either discover that's it or maybe I don't love that anymore like I played so many sports growing up I used to love baseball used to love soccer and then I got bored with it I got burnt out by it it wasn't a love of mine anymore wasn't a passion and then I switched to football and it was like oh this is a passion and I'm actually more gifted physically for this board then it would be for soccer I was too big for soccer kind of runs seven miles a day right now on the field but I think you need to try lots of things and you might think it's a passion but you might get burnt out and discovered and I don't love it anymore what else is there and keep trying new things so you said eight new things a month yeah till you discover you might take you take a 30 40 50 right it doesn't and that doesn't matter like it doesn't matter like it the fun is in the and the journey and like for me the last 10 years before this happened and my life changes like those were fun I was happy I wasn't unhappy because of that because I didn't know the exact oh yeah exactly and now I'm very clear on it and I'm happy for it to evolve to like I don't think it has to stay the same I may sit with you in 2 years time and tell you something completely different right and I'm okay with that but I can only work with what I have now and I think we start trying to postpone our purpose or find a date by which you have to put a deadline on your purpose doesn't make any sense like if you really care about it how can you put a deadline on it you just keep working towards it what are three skills that everyone should try to learn in the next one to two years that will help them in their life tremendously no matter who you are and where you live in the world three things we could start to practice learn master that will improve our life yeah that's a great question you ask me a lot of great questions is there's like every question I you reminded me of something which which I'm gonna share is a bunch of years back I went to the launch of Eric Schmidt's book how Google works and I was in the audience I didn't get to interview ammonium or anything like that but I remember sitting in the audience and there's someone else there who was interviewing him and talking and they were like and someone asked this question from the audience so a student got up and they said what do you think is the number one skill that students should be focusing on and they said everyone should become data analysts like everyone should we have everyone in this room to become and I was saying again nothing about being a data analyst and I think sometimes we throw these careers or like hard skills and technicals and stuff well not everyone's gonna vibe with that so I just want to share that because I think so often like we get bad advice like that I'm like imagine I pursued becoming a date and I know and you have to also know the perspective of the person you're getting that advice from so your perspective your your three things that people should be taking on is gonna come from your grant perspective and your experience what's worked for you alright but what would you yeah so I'd say the first one for me is learn how to have a conversation with yourself I just learn how to have a conversation myself like if you don't know if I'll give one of the studies - in the book which obviously love men and women were asked either to be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes or they could give themselves an electric shock if they were bored they took a shot 30% of women chose an electric shock and 60% of men chose an electric shock because they didn't want to be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes or 15 minutes why is that because we have not learned to have a conversation with ourselves or even love ourselves no we haven't and I think that starts with the conversation I think you're right we don't love ourselves but that starts with learning to talk to yourself so find time for you to talk to your own mind to talk to yourself to understand yourself to find out how many of us when you go to a restaurant you know whether you're gonna go back or not based on what do you like the food when you watch a movie you know whether you're gonna recommend it to your friends based on whether you like to or not why do we keep visiting the same people the same places and doing the same projects when they don't lift us up so many of us are not aware of the same people that we hang around with that bring us down the places that don't feed us they drain our energy and the projects that don't light us up but we keep going back there because you don't talk to us ours cuz you don't talk to ourselves to know what like I can ask you hey did you like that restaurant but when do we ask ourselves hey do it do I like do I want to hang out in that person does that person I want to be in this relation this job please get scared of those conversations so we avoid that's first it ii learned have a conversation with yourself let's have a conversation is the second thing is know how your mind tricks you so we still play this game in the monastery where every time you lose to your mind you put a school board up and you put a 1 for the mind and 0 for you when you lose for the mind meeting what like so let's say you make a commitment so I make a commitment that I'm not gonna eat sugar 2029 to the mind beat the mind beats me to it so I'm gonna put a 1 for the mind and a 0 for me it's great it's competing with yourself a good way it's fun yeah and people do this with like I guess now look like dollar jars or whatever I can put it on but now doesn't make sense because you end up making money every time you swear so but if you beat your mind and you put it's great yes so you have to start learning the tricks of your mind when and how does your mind fool you into making bad decisions that's good if you know that where did it fall you the mouse then it was the hardest for you to overcome yeah I think the biggest thing was it's probably eager like it's wanting to it's like walking into a room expecting respect walking into a room expecting to be dealt in a certain way like treated treated with you you Royals by your own hype right you feel for the stuff like that your father sometimes I think you'll do yeah I think I think I mean I think I would be in eager if I didn't say I did like is like ego that's the trick of the ego the ego makes you think you're untouchable and the ego makes you think that you you know that nothing about you can can ever go wrong or you're you're perfect or not even that but the ego could bring you down nothing can hurt you correcting when the moment you think you can't be brought down you will be brought down the moment you think that you can't let one of my teachers would always pray that he never and he's been a monk for forty years he would always pray that he would never fall to his temptations and we said to him you haven't fooled to your temptation for 40 years why do you pray for that he goes I haven't fallen because I pray for it Wow now he was like because I pray for it because I think it's gonna hurt he's aware and there's a beautiful story of Benjamin Franklin well he talks about before he died I believe he had 13 or 14 precepts these were qualities that he wanted to huh live I live buying gains they're like simplicity integrity virtues all these powerful things and he was asked when he was on his deathbed which was the one he didn't accomplish and he said the last one that was humility and that's like the display of humility like you can't think your humility and then be humble like that's not possible it's an oxymoron so it's take humble with all with greatness happening yeah you know if you're achieving your dreams you're making an impact you're doing great stuff how do you stay humble I think the biggest one is surround yourself with people who are constant the better than you and when I said better I don't just mean materially I mean when I'm around my mom teaches I just feel filthy right like this dirty yeah that it's such a mirror reflection I'm around and I like war so much yeah I've got so much like duh yeah and that's a good thing like I love being around them and they don't say that to me I didn't make me feel that way it's just that you get a mirror when you're around people who are transparent you get a reflection of yourself like so I get that when I'm with them so first thing is spend time with people who are more spiritually elevated and more conscious because you get a reflection without them even saying it the second things keep increasing your goal posts like most of us are not our goal should keep us humble not other people's goals we try and think other people's goals keep us humble because we're looking at what people who did I say your goal posts should never be achieving or it should be bigger always thank the people who gave you the gift that is being recognized like if you're being recognized for a gift someone gave that case thank you thank you give it give it back to them because I think we forget that you start thinking yourself made and I don't think anyone's genuinely self made I just don't think that's true because someone had to give you an an interruption and interaction exchange of skills just an idea whatever it was he's a really fun question first one is have a conversation with us second is know how your mind tricks you and be fully aware and humility was a humility a part of that or no I would say that was just my personal example of why I feel I can I can struggle with sometimes here in person everyone should learn third skill everyone should learn is how to have difficult conversations with other people oh because I think that marriages are made of it datings made of it friendships are made of it I think sometimes we've had some difficult comment like indocin survivor to call you up and says any and it's like I think we're good at that with each other and that's why our friendship is strong because I think we're honest with each other and yes I feel that you feel comfortable telling me stuff like we've had email exchanges where you've been honest with me and I've got to do and of course like I think that's good because I think when you don't have tough conversations with people your your relationships is just sit on the surface anyway and you learn about how deep the relationship is through the challenging conversations you learn like if you break up because of one bad conversation with our friendship or family member whatever if you like distance each other because you can't handle this hard conversation or a challenging one yeah is the relationship strong yeah do you want to be around this person yes or maybe you shouldn't be around this poley so I think you learn about each other and you learn about the relationship during that I think it's a good one so there are three good points relationships is something that Utah is probably the most engaged points on Instagram and on your social media content their videos I'm assuming 80% of the biggest ones are around relationships its assumption maybe I'm wrong but it seems to be like it triggers people relationship information why it's so hard to be in an intimate relationship and what's the best way to enter one yeah with the intention of having a beautiful experience together long term I think it's so hard because people don't know how they want to receive love and they don't know how to give love and like we said earlier that the old wisdom does is like to love and be loved is the biggest need but we don't know how to love and how to give love and we carry so much of our baggage from previous relationships and experiences and we bring them into a new person so it's like that person treated me like that that must mean all men or all women are like that which means now when I'm with this woman I'm going to look at her through the lens of the blast person I always look for them to to create this experience again right exactly yes so you'd like to evidence of why this person is this way exactly and so now you're approaching each person with the baggage of the last person which doesn't make sense you're not coming at it from a fresh new experience with the same lessons for yourself but we start applying the lessons to the other person so I think that's the reason why we struggle to have an intimate connection now one of the things I talk about in here are there are the five types of attraction and and the reason why I think this is the best way to find love language no no these are the five types of attraction that I talk about right so the five types of attraction are physical encho mental emotional and spiritual and I'll explain what I mean by them so physical is obvious she or he is hot attracted I'm attracted to them financial or wealth I like what they own I like what they have I like what they've achieved I like that he went to Princeton or Harvard I like that she's scientist or a CEO I like that she's a supermodel like you like their status right so you're attracted to that the third thing that we're attracted to is people's mental abilities this is like when you attract into someone's mind like you just love the way they think you love the way they articulate themselves you love all of that are you attracted to that the fourth is the emotional this is when you're attracted to someone's emotional intelligence you like oh they're very caring they're compassionate they or they're supported they have these good traits and the fifth and final one is spiritual you like your you're connected to that person's values on a very deep level like what they really live by now notice the first three I equate them to chemistry and the last two I equate to compatibility so the first three are chemistry and most of us get involved in a relationship based on the first three but here's the issue you can feel chemistry multiple times per day you can feel it with the receptionist you can feel it with your personal trainer you can feel it with the barista at the coffee shop you can feel it with the waiter or the waitress mark this spot you feel that anywhere like you can find someone attractive by one of those qualities every single day and the challenges we get into a relationship based on simply one of the first three and there's nothing wrong with that as a starting point it just can't be the end point and so what we do is we keep convincing ourselves that the first three of chemistry is more powerful than the last two of compatibility and we're letting chemistry do the heavy wood lifting we learned an econ when we're making chemistry do the heavy lifting the heavy work they're like pulling pushing like okay like you you just take care of this that's why so many people rely on good sex to save a relationship they've always been in conflict totally the values and the compatibility there and you're relying on chemistry there'll always be some conflict always yeah and chemistry really easily is those top three and which is good to have so you should but my point is they're both you need to have both but you can't just save because I'm mentally attracted to how that person thinks that's good marriage material that's not good enough you can't say because that because some we make broad generalities and generalizations we say things like oh because he or she has a top degree from a top college or a business school and they're a top company they must be really kind loving and organized it's like what like how did you just go parent yeah my people how did you just draw that parallel and so that's the way I would talk about entering a relationship is it can start with the first three but don't let it end without the last two yeah have the emotional and the spiritual the values correct that has to align for a real long lasting relations I feel like I could do this from we do that's amazing so good I want to finish with one yes one thought about service because you live a life of service I feel like my mission is to be of service to you you are go to my business and my relationships with my friendships it's all about service for me as well and this is a I think it's a quote from the bhagavad-gita which one is it plant trees no so this this one is like a famous statement that way yeah yeah yeah yeah will you say plant trees under whose shade you do not plan to sit I remember you told me that from the beginning and you told me that a couple of years ago and I remember that really blew my mind because in business when I started out I think it was a lot of like okay let me do this for you and you do this for me let's do reciprocal type of stuff I was in the online marketing world where was about joint venture ships was about affiliate marketing and I'll do this and then you promote me right and then I started to shift it when I got to the podcast seven years ago I said I'm just gonna bring on people I like and I'm just gonna serve comes around cool if not cool and it's it's hard I think to switch that mentality but it's so rewarding to come from a place of giving and service to literally wanting to see other people succeed whether they help you or not in return mmm how do we get to that place of that mindset when we're like but I really need some help right now I really want someone to support me in return and I don't want to give all my energy to someone if they're never gonna give me anything in return how do we balance that yeah that's such a smart question because I think the challenges that we become overly compassionate often to people in a certain way so what I mean by that is being compassionate and being giving isn't about spending your whole day with one person who needs your attention and affection if your purpose is to do something different so for example you're putting out this podcast you put out video content you write books this is serving lots of different people in lots of ways and you're not expecting apart from that person buying the book and getting the value from you already expect them to do anything for you right you're not asking them to come in champion for you if they don't want to so you're already planting those seeds you're already sharing in that way and I think the mistake we make is when we are overly compassionate to one person and we're doing it expecting that they're gonna do something back right so the only way don't be over the compassionate expecting something in return yeah if you see just don't do that if you're gonna feel that and that's okay like that doesn't make you less compassionate doesn't make you a bad person like if I don't want to and I have rules about there are some people in my life that I don't ask for favors because I don't ever want to be in a position where I'm having to ask them because not that they wouldn't do it or whatever I just don't want to do that it's just not who I am and it's like but that's fine and there are certain people in my life that I won't give to because I know they're gonna keep asking for stuff and so you have to protect yourself and I think self-protection and being honest with yourself is the best way so the my favorite allergy in this is if someone's drowning in the ocean if you're fit and healthy and you're a lifeguard great you can go and save them but if you're not you might need to call the real lifeguard to come and help the man right and that's what real compassion is real compassion if you can't help someone if you're feeling toxic one day you're feeling negative one day you're feeling you're not really giving from your heart it's better to introduce them to someone we'll find someone else who can help them then to go in there with all these toxic emotions and now you're expecting them to live on the ferry return the favor it's better to not do it if you're gonna do something and in your heart of hearts you're actually feeling bitter and regretting it it's better not to do it because guess what you weren't compassionate when you did it with that intention compassion is about intention it's not about the result like two people could give the same amount to charity one person gives it for PR one person gives it because they care about the kids who's happy the person who gave it for the kids the person both people's money had the same impact but the intention is what defined what happened so if you big begrudgingly going out then helping someone begin in your heart of hearts you like how can't believe they asked me who are they like I don't even like them like they never help me and then you help them that guess what that's not compassion protect yourself deal with it deal with that toxic emotion so I don't help people but when I feel like that and I give myself that that's space yeah I'll be honest with them I'll say I honest in the best way that you can have I don't think I can support you on this because I don't feel right about it it doesn't make sense to me or whatever it is like it's not the right fit and I think that's actually stopping yourself from being a people pleaser yes because we we actually are not compassionate which is people pleasers we actually just want people to think we're like magnanimous and amazing so we'll go and go to every you know everything to support everyone but it's like we're resentful people pleasers exactly's and then we're resentful that we've had it exactly here we want and now we want to make them feel guilty for not doing it back so I make a conscious effort to support the people I love to make an effort with the people I love and do more there and that's that's fine your compassion doesn't you don't have to be this overarching person who's like doing it for everyone like that's that's part of the journey it's gonna take time to get the course I appreciate you man I love I love our hands I love our time together I love this this is gonna blow people away so it could inspire and impact a lot of people I got one final ovary but make sure you guys get this book I'm telling you this will be the book of the year go get it get a few copies for your friends think like a monk train your mind for peace and purpose every day I rarely read books but this is one I'm almost finished and just going through the rest of this while I'm here I'm like this is unbelievable everything he's talking about the monk method everything else you want to get it this is gonna be one tool in here that's gonna change your life or support you go get this book I highly recommend it you can get it on Amazon you can get it in stores you can find it on your website on your Instagram on social media jay Shetty everywhere go follow him are your are you what do you want Instagram for you i am jay Shetty there used to be something else on basically you used to be jay-z IW yes yes yeah on Facebook and Twitter I think it's just search each other you'll find them and what else - well scan we support you with this book right now is there something special if they get the book yeah so right now for anyone in pre-orders everyone's getting access to an exclusive workshop that I made which are four steps to train your mind for peace and purpose everyday it's a video that we made just around the book and you get these four incredible steps that you can practice really simple and some reflection exercises as well and and you know my rule and then where they get the book and their work house if you preorder the book from think like a monk book calm okay you get access to the workshop will be sent to you and if you preorder the book from anywhere else you can go to think like a monk on submit your order confirmation or number and you still get it well things like a monk book calm yeah the bonus exactly and anything else of where you're touring and what's happening yeah it will be on there absolutely yeah everything's gonna be on that website and I think the big thing for me lewis honestly and i know you can relate to this and I mean this from the bottom of my heart it's like if my videos have impacted anyone in any way like if they've had even the tiniest impact on your family member or loved one if my if my podcasts have like been useful to you you know it's like I really encourage you to go and support me on this book like I really appreciate the help because it's like we've just been putting out so much content free like three videos a week two podcasts a week like we're creating all of this to serve and 7/7 this is one thing that I want you to have in your home and and I believe that it's my best work so so I really yeah you earn Stein your quarter Einstein in here yeah you don't master something until you learned yes simply or something like that if you can't if you can't explain something simply you don't understand it well in exactly and it's hard to train your mind for peace and purpose every day in a complex chaotic scarcity minded world or environment at times it's really hard to think how do I find peace how do I find happiness how do I have a conversation with my mind how do I look not let my mind trick me how do I stay in a neutral environment reaction when I want to react to everything it's really complicated to do these things but you bring it down in such a simple beautiful easy way where it doesn't over complicate it simplifies and I think that's why this is a you're doing it disservice to yourself and the people that you love without if you don't buy this and get this for your friends and family I'm gonna get a bunch of copies and give them away but I have them here else to the table and hand them to people that come in this is the book of the year make sure you guys go get think like a monk it's going to really transform everything in your life and he'll give it to a friend who might be struggling or just wants more peace doesn't matter you're not to be in so much pain but if you just want more to life hit this as well thanks highly recommend it think like a monk book.com this is I asked you the three Troost question the last time no no if it's different or not now and I'm even remember what I said last end okay there I'm gonna go look back at it and see what it was and compare the two so let's you've learned a lot in the last two years so would this be different we'll see but if this was your last day and you had to take all of your work with you all this book had to go with you into the next world you're going to wherever that is and there's no more videos of jay Shetty no more content no more Instagram no more social media and all I had to go away with you to the next place what would be three lessons you would leave behind for us to live by that's such a good question it's so nice like oh three lessons for us to live by this is all you could share with the world the first one I'd say is you can't be anything you want but you can be everything you are the first day I shared that publicly was that the summary of greatness right so when I gave the key know there's some how greatness I shared it that day because it was a reflection I'd had for a long time but I think I'd have to say that because I think we get so lost trying to be everyone that we don't become anyone and then we don't find the one that we're meant to be and so I'd say that's the first one there's the second one that I'd say is and this is we know this through studies and science and everything it's I just don't miss an opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to you I just don't and I said it better than that someone I can't find it right now but I mean that like just don't miss an opportunity like I was saying that with my mentor I always told him I loved him always and now that I can't tell him anymore I'm just glad I did tell him it's like really yeah totally so like don't ever leave someone with about don't ever leave someone without telling them how much they mean to you because you don't know when they'll leave and and so like that is just like never let your last interaction with someone you know especially the people you love right like you may have bad interactions with people you once or twice or a business with people that close to you and you love the people you'll regret it with don't just don't it's just not worth living with the only thing you'll be able to share left yeah the world at least the final truth don't settle I just don't set up you don't you don't just don't don't think that you're at the peak of what you were meant to do because you probably don't know unless you try and so for most people I feel like just don't settle because I think we just give in too early and don't settle for service all right it's like that's the reason that's the intention it's like service is the one that's pulling you along and so don't settle for service the world needs service the world needs your service the world needs your genius the world needs your passion and you just don't know it yet mmm and and the day you realize it you'll be grateful that you went the whole way as I know we like I feel I look back and I'm just like God like I would have just been sitting there working in a corporate job and not known all the people I know now and connecting this amazing community and met you I just will never had and something I know for if I didn't go for it if I mean if I just settled that my service was this so don't settle for service service deserves the best of you yeah dude I really appreciate you I appreciate you I love you I love me too yeah yeah me too hold for the amount of attention to service you have in the world because your commitment to making content go viral making the information that we all need to go viral is so profound and powerful and you've been through so much in the last few years good challenges opportunities growth different things and I really admire how you continue to show up how you continue to lean into the practice every morning of meditating of doing your best and they're not perfect but you constantly show up with your best and I acknowledge you for that man thank you right home for you in our friendship meet you man another man to say to everyone is listening to Lewis and I know you've all loved him for many years but it's just like you've just you've been the same since we became friends and I I my rule for friendship is I trust consistency so I don't like people who change you at the times well I don't vibe those people don't survive around there for long amounts of time hopefully I grow and get better know you better I'm een like the relationship and that the connection the friendship the the kindness has stayed the same it's never dwindled in tough times for me it's never become more in successful times for me it's it's all you've always been the same in that way and those I think are positive powerful friendship traits when someone is continuing to love continuing to show up continue to be kind to you no matter what you're going through you know anything that that you really yeah you learn a lot about someone on how they don't show up for you when you're going through challenging that's what challenges are the best and you learn a lot about someone when they only reach out to you when they see you succeed yeah and so make sure you're always showing up for people consistently either way good or bad higher low whatever maybe be consistent like that like that quarterback in the game just be consistent and if you're going for a tough time the best lesson you learn from a tough time is who really cares and so it's a good and it's it just lets you drop like everything drops and you just know you heard the best this is the worst end of that yeah you got to find the meaning in the child correct and that's where you find the meeting thank you so much thank you so much for watching this episode with J Shetty if you enjoyed it make sure to subscribe and click the like button below and check out this episode with wim HOF on the breathing meditation techniques that will blow you away weekend so it is able to run the blood flow better through the body bringing nutrients oxygens and and vitamins to the life force itself into the system

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 481,146

Keywords: jay shetty, jay shetty interview, jay shetty motivation, jay shetty relationship, jay shetty meditation, jay shetty motivational video, lewis howes, lewis howes interview, school of greatness, inspiration, motivation, how to find your purpose, how to find your purpose in life, purpose podcast, build a life, how to become successful, success advice, success tips, self help, self improvement, self development, success habits, success mindset, train your mind, growth mindset

Id: AS3QuVaIIo0

Length: 86min 30sec (5190 seconds)

Published: Wed May 13 2020