Bertcast # 382 – Craig Ferguson & ME

[Music] [Music] it's so funny I had the first thing I've always wanted one of the most fascinating things is how you you've talked about your sobriety before yeah and it's but it's you're one of those people were you're so on it like you're so good that you're so funny you're so successful that I go how was he ever a [ __ ] like how is he ever yeah you can't see it you know yeah you know I I think that is that real is that cat or an IO lion that where oh my cigar last account by the way I just bought our boxes for my new house oh yeah that I can have Al's come out nest but you be careful with your elves around your chickens no no owls protect chickens oh do they yeah well look here's the thing I I certainly was a [ __ ] but I don't have any I don't have any in evangelical impulses about sobriety and I think that's what you pick up on if you want to get [ __ ] up you get [ __ ] up I I really don't you know yeah I really don't have a tambourine to do you know to play here but I you know I the only deal I made when I get sober was if anybody wanted me to help them I'd help them that was the deal you know and so if anybody ever puts their hand out to me and if it's within my power to help them get so bro help them get sober but I'm not gonna chase people around begging them again sober or advocate temperance or anything like that I don't I don't know if I could drink I would if I could take heroin I would but unfortunately I can't sweet did you ever do heroin oh yeah yeah a few times I actually think that the the new stuff the oxycontin's and stuff like that people are taking now fentanyl yeah fentanyl I've never had but I had a piece of dental work done a couple of years ago and they gave me a pair to say because it was very intense pain and I resisted that and resisted that and resisted that eventually pain got so much under the guidance of you know like funk you know people coming around and we're you know observed me hey sweetie oh I guess he didn't put her back up alright is this the pup yeah I like this she's wearing a t-shirt oh she just said surgery oh yeah so she's got stitches she can't go after so at least it's not the caller that with the collars ridiculous and she was she was knocking over so much stuff in the house yeah that we couldn't now you can do yeah all right so wait so you so I took the this percocet which I you know under you know strict supervision but I took it and and I have to say the first of all the the sensei what did that was it took the pain away it's what I needed to do I was in agony in in that much severe pain it does sincerely just oh it just took it takes the pain away and and I and I I just couldn't bear any more but what it also did when it took the pain away no I don't know if this would have done it had I not taken heroin but but it felt so good yeah I didn't feel high I don't feel high at all actually but what I felt was I felt that everything was gonna be all right I just everything was gonna be fine no I didn't feel high with that I just felt great just felt [ __ ] great I didn't want a drink or get [ __ ] up around I just wanted to I didn't want anything I was fine yeah and I thought whoa this new synthetic heroin is much better than the old [ __ ] there's no throwing up there's no whoo no guys come and run your eyes with guns or anything you just [ __ ] just take it and everything feels alright wow I can see why people have a problem mean I genuinely can I mean I I took it under such strict supervision so how does I start new do you call like a like a sponsor or something yeah yeah and all of that and and so when everybody's like no it's okay and my wife had the the thing that Paris and she gives it to him mean like I I just put so many checks and balances in front of me [ __ ] up along that lay I've seen a lot of people with longtime sobriety [ __ ] their lives up with that stuff you know with prescription meds so I was very very cautious about it but like I said it was an intense piece of dental surgery it was a law and it was infected and it was like my you know it was just it was too much because I said to the dentist originally look I'm not gonna take this and he went and I think you will and I think I fell off a waterfall one time and the lady and I was in Mobile I mean I couldn't I couldn't I think that's right word I couldn't move I couldn't yes I couldn't do anything it was I've never been in that much pain in my entire life it shot down to my legs and and it was I thought I broke my back yeah and we'd go into the hospital and the lady says to me I'm gonna give you dilaudid I know it's a lot it is it's that's heroin it's it's derivative of Harrah to heroin I said to her you know what I'd rather not I said you know I I know myself very well I've never experienced that but I don't want to know what that feels like yeah because I don't want to open that door because I may not be able to get back yeah that's right it's pretty much the conversation I had yeah and he said to me honey you do not you you're going to get take this yes because I need to x-ray your back and in order to do that any move you around and I can't move you around right now she's like you're getting it so I turned my phone on I recorded I said well if I'm gonna try heroin the first time I'm writing a poem when it hits nice and so I turned my phone on it's funny though because I I really you know I've had friends died of heroin overdoses you know and fight the first friend of mine that died of any kind of illness like that was a 21 year old kid in in in New York and you know he was there when they Ames gone the next you don't [ __ ] think of that when you're 21 you know it's like it's not possible it happens to [ __ ] celebrities and [ __ ] but it's happened to to us they're not real real life people yeah but he was there and he was a guy that I worked in construction method he was there and then he just [ __ ] scoped one night and that was it and I was like [ __ ] um and a bike and I can see it you know I was like we were talking earlier I never really was that interested in weed because it seemed so inefficient as a drug yeah you know I liked drugs to do their job but no [ __ ] tickle me um you know it's a big [ __ ] job done so if I can't Wow the personality that hits we goes this is it yeah yeah also it kind of made we'd made me anxious it makes me anxious yeah I mean it made me anxious and uncomfortable as much marijuana as I did just have in here and yeah and I asked uh you get it cuz even being around it makes me anxious was just weird the smell of it I'm like no I can feel it right now no it's I think it gives you I think it I think there is a Pavlovian sensation with it where your brain goes like I used to I mean deserts I used to not be around people smoke I couldn't be around people when they smoked weed cuz I get anxious the smell of it would make I'm like that yeah and I'm like that around weed I'm um I'm not like that around coke cuz I'm not really around anyone who does coke I mean not that I know of and if and if I don't know they're doing coke then they're not doing enough and and I'm not really around that but if if there were lanes a coke later in the table there that wouldn't make me anxious I'd be like the [ __ ] you doing bear yeah but but weed around I'm like I [ __ ] feel like it will creep up and like steal something from me yeah it's weird I never I swear to god I've never smelt it until we removed it and I walked back in and I went god dammit this done yeah well I think it's a hot day the doors were closed yeah we didn't hear started to work it's what um what about alcohol like how what's off the the charts for me I'm afraid real I mean I stopped drinking alcohol we've talked but it's a long time ago you know in 1992 and supported was that that's when you started you've been not drinking as long as I I've been yeah yeah well that's okay you know it's alright it's not a competition I am alcohol for me it wasn't it wasn't that I that I particularly I felt like I didn't have much trouble stopping drinking for a couple of days but after a couple of days I I you know I'd get my actually I'm probably overestimate after about a day I would get uncomfortable and really I think for understanding my own alcoholism if I do it it was more about how discomfort I felt when I wasn't drinking you know I mean I had to change the me I had to change that person the person who was drinking truth is when I was drinking I wasn't really a tough drunk or even I was very interesting one you know I have a laugh and fall asleep maybe throw up nothing nothing flamboyant you know I'm laying up I wasn't on [ __ ] trains and rush I'm making friends with you know the [ __ ] the KGB and [ __ ] I was like I I occasionally had things like that but it wasn't wasn't I wasn't really a particularly exciting drunk I just was a [ __ ] miserable sober person and so I think that's what I had to do was get away from from that to get away from how uncomfortable I felt when I wasn't drunk so how did you do that so like so you quit drinking in 92 oh there's so much I want to know about I want I kind of want to know your path to the states okay well it said like everything in my life it's not a straight line yeah cuz you're talking about working construction in New York and I'm on what yeah yeah yeah well what happened was I can't I first came to America when I was 13 I came for a vacation with my dad and my dad and I got a cheap flight from Scotland to visit my uncle James and my answers and who live in in America in Long Island and we went to go and visit them and I was here for three then I came back or I went back to Scotland then when I was 21 I came back here again I went to New York and I had a informal immigration status at the time so I was working it was a certain kind of mafia of Irish and Scottish guys in New York that could set you up you know particularly Irish guys if I'm honest who set you up in various construction enterprises nothing illegal per se but you know it's just like working on a construction site and and I did that for a year and then I went back to Scotland and I continued to drink and do drugs right up until I was 29 1992 and then in 1992 I got sober and I was sober for a couple of years and I thought I really won't have a crack at America and I had been sober for a couple years so I came back here when I was 32 years old it was 1995 just I was almost 33 and I am and then I started working here so I was kind of like backwards and forwards a little bit really mmm and so we had it then so you at 30 30 years old you got sober yeah almost yeah so how what was the path to being comfortable in your own skin you know it's not it's not identify with that it's a bit like there is a part of me like it sounds silly but like I quit drinking every October for a month we do that so October day yeah and and there is a for the first couple days where I'm like I can feel on edge and then and then I'm fine I don't notice it I don't really notice it Don I actually enjoy this I'm stupid to say out loud but I enjoy life a little bit better without drinking I'm a lot happier but I find that I don't I don't really want to go out and see people I don't I'd like to be home I'd like to get my work done come home and turn on the TV put on pajamas and that you described in my life that's what I do yeah like and so but it comes a conflict with my my life is that I am a social person I do have to go to comedy clubs like I I go on tour and I would go on tour I get done and I'd be like I'd be like I think I'm gonna I mean I'd go to a bar sometime and hang out with people for the most part I was like I really am excited to get him back into the tour bus and put on netflix and go to sleep or mate you know I think you know it's very hard to do it's very hard to define alcoholism I I think you have to I think people have to define it for themselves in an odd way I know plenty of people look I'm from Scotland I know plenty of people that drink too much yeah it doesn't mean the [ __ ] alcoholics yeah just means they drink too much it's different alcoholism I think is a little different you can drink too much and ruin your [ __ ] life that's fine you know you can you know airlie old age [ __ ] up your internal organs you know drive a car and then the wrong play is do something insane make a stupid decision when you're drunk all of that's available without being an alcoholic yeah but what alcoholism did for me is that when I took the first drink of alcohol I could not guarantee where the world was going for me after that point I take the first drink and this is why I believe makes me an alcoholic it sets up in me a physical a physical reaction which I don't truly understand to this point but it sets up in me a reaction where I start thinking differently about Who I am so I'll take a drink and then cuz I used to think the phenomenon of craving alcohol was alcoholics take a rating they go I've got to keep record I gotta keep right good I'm so crazy and you know you run in at churches and drink the communion wine and certainly those people exist but I wasn't like that what I would do is I would say I'll you know I have another drink for a couple of days everyone lighten the [ __ ] up I take a drink right yeah I take a drink oh yeah I'm good and I'd be good for a couple hours or maybe even a day then I'd be like yeah however another one that other one was fine and so the the the the level of self-deception that occurs within me is triggered by the first drink yeah so I and I think that is one of the things that makes me certainly the defining principle of my alcoholism is that I believe is the first drug that gets me drunk not the third or the fourth of the fifteenth but the first one the first one changes my mind sufficiently that I am no longer in charge you know I am no longer in charge of my thinking so funny because I only my perception of you is my perception of you I would argue as inspiring because and I have say this to anyone listening that might be dealing with this is that I only know you as an in charge fun hilarious human being like I don't I can't imagine the side of you I can't see a side of you that isn't you know and I it's maybe it's hard sometimes with like I don't know how long I've known of you I mean I'm guessing since I probably you've been working on television from guessing 20 years yeah easy yeah and so I've known of you for 20 years yeah as like a celebrity and so everything works for you to think that there was another person is almost so hard for me to wrap my head around well first of all just because I'm so bored doesn't mean everything works for me it doesn't your house is inspiring yeah I when I was your house when I went to your house I saw a different side of life where I thought I thought this is the temperature around your house warmed and cozy I love your house so much well I thought I thought and there was like authenticity to it I thought I remember seeing like a like a little kid Jeep or something out in the front and going like this is what and then you go back to your little where you're doing the podcast and I was like [ __ ] yeah I mean it was like one of those times you're like this is what direction I want to go in this is how I see it so to see that to hear about the guy that that you know is inside you that where you lining it up going I'm gonna take an oxycontin I need help yeah listen I don't want you giving you an impression that I go my [ __ ] sorted oh I don't what so what better than yeah I listen I have it's better than it used to be but I don't want to give you the idea that nothing challenging happens to me or I don't you know it what I did learn pretty early on is they can't lock you up for what you're thinking I still have a lot of crazy [ __ ] thoughts it's just I think I've managed to find a way to make many of them marketable as opposed to you know arrest Abel yeah and I and I think that my thought processes have they've changed over the years I've been sober but you know I didn't do it alone I look there are traditions wrapped up in how I stay sober so I can't really talk about how it was done with complete openness to you but you can figure it out and and that that's really the only way I found possible was to create a psychic change in myself that was brought about in no small part really - well in fact and totally done by other people for me really I just asked them for help so when how old were you when you started working on Drew Carey see I was I go here in 95 I started in that in 96 I was 34 so how was that okay tell me the story that leap is so quick it was an odd story actually one hand was had you done stand-up in Scotland before yeah yeah yeah but is that when one was when I was in when punk rock happened I was in my early teens and so when how [ __ ] lucky you're using I know it see that's what it is that's what what huge fan and I don't like saying it out loud because I know that it's it's in our country it's almost like the things to say your punk rock or just say I was obsessed with punk rock from my freshman year in high school was when I was introduced to it and my I got a I got a the kid that drove me to school as a senior Sam salerio and he was first thing he put in was Siouxsie and the Banshees and I was like what the [ __ ] is this and he's like oh you never heard of this and then and the next seems that will he's like well we should start at the sex past so we put the Sex Pistols in and I was I mean I remember that night listening I was in this sounds really weird but I was in a bath I used to I like I still like baths I was in a bath take baths listening to the Sex Pistols and going like this is like this is changing the way I think and then I spiraled out all through high school I was it obsessed but you got to experience punk rock you got to experience it arrived yeah as it showed up yeah it was you gotta remember is very it was an odd time in Britain there was a massive economic downturn in the nineteen when I was in my mid-teens and and all the bands the music that we were as kids asked to like were playing in [ __ ] stadiums and flying around in their own planes and and all that stuff and and what punk-rock boys and what it felt like was that these were people that we were our age and had no [ __ ] money and no hope either and so there was a real connection there but also it was about fashion and people forget that punk rock was started really by two fashion icons at Vivienne Westwood Malcolm McLaren Robbie he learned how to shop right well his Vivienne Westwood was the designer and the shop it was Vivian was was the was the was the the the visual genius behind punk rock and and still is and but still thinks in that way you know I think not enough is made of more vivienne westwood dead at that time and she would be very dismissive of me saying this I'm sure but but I really think so I really think that her wonderful artistic vision created I agreed that the music is well of course but but well you're right I I the first time I ever ever saw anything punk rock mmm it was the haircut I remember driving to school in like fifth grade yeah and you saw a kid with like a mohawk yeah I will ask him in a bit later actually I mean the mohawk thing I don't remember right there this star it was like I became aware of punk rock habit and run about 70 675 Sony sex thank you and and but what it did was what what happened at that time because I was a teenager is that every kid wanted to be in a punk rock band so being in a band when I was a teenager is like the way people have Twitter accounts now like why wouldn't you be in a path like it was your social media was the band that you were in that was what you did everybody was in a [ __ ] band so that pulled me into a world of performing that from where I'm from that would never have happened I would I don't come from [ __ ] circus folk or performing people I'm German you know I'm from postman and engineers you know so the was a that's by my wife she's got always Oh ROG your wife is the god of thunder but the it pulled me into a world of performance and more and once I was in bands because I was a pretty good drummer I go and bare our bands then I would have normally and because I was in bear bands I started me artistic people like Bill like real artistic people who were like really musicians and and really in a theater in movies and and in stuff and so there was no [ __ ] stand-up comedy and Scott there was Billy Connolly and that was there yeah but what it has started he started through music he was a folk musician he would just talk between the songs but Billy had become he was only one I was aware of that people like me you know that I'd done anything like that but if you were funny and if if you were crazy and I was crazy then they would say things like go up and talk for 10 minutes while we change out the drum kit and stuff like that you know the coveted talking between the [ __ ] bands equipment to do that yeah but but that's I can I get drawn into that and that's what led me into it's really really the only reason I came into any form of entertainment is is punk rock that's what drew me and if I if I had if that hadn't happened I'd be a you know I I don't know a guy working probably getting ready to retire for some [ __ ] job so then you started in sort of doing stand-up that way and then throughout Scotland yeah what I did was I I did that I had the cuz you know when you start out you have all the things to protect you so you know a lot of people have the guitar or the the Hat with a hammer and the handle so but everyone's got the loop gimmick when they start I did a character called he was a kind of like a very local kind of joke and it was a really Scottish guy I'm really with a really parochial axe and even for Scottish people and his name he would talk about all the things that he hated me talk like that usually talk like a Scottish guy but from it sorry did a shitty show people would laugh at them can and so he talk like that and his name the of this character was Bing Hitler Bing ass and Crosby Hitler as in the Third Reich and what he what the name that is it got some marquee value because people like one of folks us but I never did anything in the act that was anything remotely connected to you know singing or fascism that was just the guys name yeah and then he would just talk about different things and that seemed to catch fire in scoid dead catch fire ants : it was very very popular now as I was paying you know 2,000 3,000 see venues when I was 24 years old but only in Glasgow Edinburgh or Aberdeen you know so like in this tiny area but these decent-sized venues I would happily play now you know and the so it there was a flush of that and then I was still drinking so I you know [ __ ] it up you know or did I I stopped doing it which is probably a good thing because you don't want to stay the local comic so um so that kind of led me into it but it started off with punk rock and that character and that character took off and that's what led me here and that and so when by the time you moved to the States quit drinking yeah are you doing stand-up in the States no I when I came out here I wanted to I want to make phones I don't want to do stand-up and so I nobody wanted to make any phones with me so I auditioned for different TV shows I've actually got a Drew Carey Show and and I made the Drew Carey Show and then I made some films I made you know a couple of films that I liked and and then you know I I kind of it was going okay and then I go divorced I made a movie which failed which I'd never have had before like failed yeah and and my first kid was born and that's all happened in a 18-month period and I needed a job because I know I'm divorced I mean I need a job where I'm interns I love my boy I I got to be in town so I can't be going a you know Russia for six weeks to make a film about Carl Jung I I'd like to but I can't yeah so well enough I did go and do that but but eventually I I kind of like I got Craig Kilborn had quit late night I'd been on The Drew Carey Show Adric Asia a tender dad died a natural death as these things do Craig Kilborn had quit late night and they were trying out different people on the lane I show and babe I had been a guest on that show and they thought that I was worthwhile Candida to try out and I went through the audition process that they had set up to do that show and I got there and that's what led me anyway so once I started doing that show and I felt the I was very lucky when I did that shot because what I'll get to the point of doing stand-up in America because what it what it was was in a roundabout way this is what happened or in an exact way really when Johnny Carson quit The Tonight Show CBS NBC are fighting Lehrman LAN or that bored CBS are so desperate to get Lehrman that they offer him two hours of real estate he owns the time period between 11:30 and 1:30 he doesn't just do a show he owns that period of time for as long as he's on the air so that creates a buffer so by the time that I go in to do the show after Dave CBS and me are not a normal marriage that wouldn't work that would never work but was really working for CBS and [ __ ] David Lehrman so date as long as Dave wasn't mad at me I was all right and Dave's too busy doing his show yeah to really worry about what I'm doing so I just get on with doing my show CBS the the bad thing was CBS never promoted the show and never give a [ __ ] about it because they didn't own it wasn't there so it was Dave's so there was no [ __ ] posters or no like I went to an award ceremony once it's when I was working the late night show up at the Banff Comedy Festival in Canada yeah we're giving me the Lifetime Achievement Award right for comedy pay the Peter Ustinov award it's a big [ __ ] award not physically it's actually about that size but neither Canadian yeah so I go up there I'm getting a source a big [ __ ] show everyone in TV is at this [ __ ] place in Banff and CBS have a real that they play into the studio to the to the guests of all the different CBS shows you know that guy solving crimes and you know psychic doctors nor what other [ __ ] [ __ ] they've go on and then it goes on our late-night guy and they've got this [ __ ] five-minute tributed a I'm not on the reel they did not put me on the [ __ ] real I'm they're getting the biggest awards at the [ __ ] festival and they didn't put me on the real cuz they [ __ ] didn't own the show they didn't give a [ __ ] about me which was bad in one way but great in another way cuz I could get on with my dancing horse and my robot Scantlin yeah you'd that was your show had such a different vibe than other shows yeah and I'll never happen again Oh that'll never happen again because Dave's gone and that system it was just that was a fluke in history no wait how did you get how did you did you audition for for I what what happens the decision to give me the job was taking between David Letterman Peter LaSalle II who was my producer on that show Peter was Johnny Carson's producer for 30 years a legend in that world that a genius in that world and he taught me how to do pila Sally David Letterman Rob Burnett who runs worldwide parents or dead it was Dave's guy or CEO there so these guys decided on my fate and they gave me the job what was it more fun show - OH or drew Carey oh the late-night show really yeah it was the Drew Carey Show experience like it's fine it was great but I was a designer you know I would see it but it's sitcom it's like sitcom when sitcoms counted like you got you got to do two of the biggest formats when they mattered yeah have you noticed that both of these formats have died since I left them yeah I'm saying I mean drew the Drew Carey Show I mean one of the one of the quintessential sitcoms but with with a cast of [ __ ] bangers mmm like I mean to this day I Vader Ryan Stiles Rou Kathy Kenny I mean heavy [ __ ] hairs I mean they were great I mean what you guys started doing didn't you guys start doing shows where you were like no script and yet improv shows yeah yeah yeah I was very uncomfortable with that really yeah weirdly enough I never I never felt comfortable in there was improv shows I didn't like him because they were actually it was quite tightly controlled and problems I didn't like so they would say and it was games yeah yeah yeah yeah hey new hat you had different voice different voice I'm like whoa [ __ ] a gang stop saying thanks to me so it didn't I wasn't confident or I didn't shine in that environment but in late night it was just me in the dark man it was me Mike I think you could have done the show without guests I wanted to I think you I think I I think a lot of times I'll be like I watch it and I go get this guy off let's just go back to them but there's a lot of times I was interviewing people ever saying look at this value of give me the four spike but the the thing is about about doing a show like that is the you know III feel very lucky I'm very proud of that show and I'm very I feel very lucky that I got this chance to do it it really was a fluke it really was a fluke because it was so such a weird confluence of events how did how did it line up like did were there a bunch of people testing for oh yeah yeah it was a there was a lot of people wanted the gag yeah who else was what are the names are on the list you remember I remember that good before to go down to was me Michael Ian Black there's a very funny guy yeah DL Hughley was a [ __ ] comic genius and and a cat called Damien Fahey who was too young then but actually has turned into a really funny talented guy you know really so so these were a good out of four guys and I got it which is amazing what what was it like what was it like the first time you realized you were rich I don't know if I if I can really say with all honesty that I feel that you know I know I've got a little money but I do know well you know cuz I'm not from I am from no money yeah yeah yeah and so I think that kind of stays with it you think it's all gonna go waste my wife my wife grew up poor and she'll never she's its pours I think I pour something that's stuck in your DNA yeah a little bit you know so it kind of feels like it kind of feels like that a little bit I do know that I I go it was one day you you're a dog guy right service so I used to have the sense you know the dogs come and go and that's the way of things so this is a long time ago I had a dog and she had a terrible ass gastrointestinal disease thing I had to deal with so part of the treatment was I she had these little maggot things coming over ring piece and I had to like go in there and take those little maggots out of her ass there's the dog [ __ ] and the maggot she was a lovely animal but it just you know I I had to you got to do things sometimes you could do so I'm taking the maggot of this dog's ass and the phone picked up with food and it was my business marriage and he said good news here technically a millionaire like picking maggots over dog's ass I thought yeah I guess this is what being rich feel it does you know I like a lot of people like a lot of people still do I believe money would solve a lot of problems that it can't even touch you know [ __ ] touch it but it takes away money problems and if you've got money problems if you've had money problems and I've certainly had that man did it takes him away but it doesn't take the fear away the fear the fear of being poor the fear of financial insecurity you got to deal with that in a different way you can't deal with that with money that's a spiritual problem yeah I I didn't grow up I mean I didn't grow up rich but I didn't grow up poor right I grew up my dad was a lawyer so we had like I had money we have money I I would never say was he a bus stop bench advertisement lawyer or higher up Boston Legal no no no he was um I was just saying telling someone about this today we lived in like a poor neighborhood and he was like who's that's when he was like a bus stop bench lawyer right and then he got a big really big client right by the Church of Scientology okay and and a big client yeah he'd be like it might come with strings though he beat they saw I'm I don't think my dad's comfortable with this but he beat someone tried to escape the church in the church and actually I think kidnapped that person by the way speculate if I was a child when the story was told so so that's your limitation okay yeah the church tried to kidnap him and my dad that guy sued the church and my dad won and so as soon as he won the Church of Scientology came into my dad's office they're like anyone that could beat us we want to hire so they hired my dad on retainer and it was like good money and my so we build a big house you know in a nice neighborhood and and then the church fired him like let him go and didn't pay him so worse than [ __ ] being pure being raised and be pure again yeah and so we lived in I was just telling this literally an we lived in this big house that had no furniture and so so we weren't rich but we did have a big house but but they were like we only had like our bedrooms had furniture and our in art one room and downstairs had furniture where was this Tampa all right so you don't need to pay for heating no no no no yeah but um but I but I was blessed enough to grow up not caring about money like didn't I didn't like not committing you never and never once right I don't I don't think it really came in and my I didn't know we were I didn't know we were poor yeah then no one had brought it up to me when I was a kid I never felt like we lacked for it it was only later on I went oh god I think we must have been poor you know my dad I look back now now that I now that I am where I am and I know that I've never had the conversations or I've never raised my voice regarding money and my dad definitely did that my dad would definitely had definitely yelled at me a number of times for me not knowing but I think my dad grew up poor so he was always afraid of money yeah I think once you get up for your money it's very hard to shake I've got it bad yeah I you know I still have it I'm sure I'm frightened of I'm framed to losing money and being their responsible with it and stuff yeah although the truth is I'm not as framed of it as my business manager he's very framed of me being irresponsible with money and that's why I've been with the same guy for 25 years because you know he's like no Craig no I don't think so you gotta sell that like what really went yeah yeah like okay have you thought about moving out of California I have moved at California oh you're in you're in Scotland oh yeah you're in Scotland full time yeah pretty much yeah for now which is weird because I'm an American who lives abroad in the country that I'm from isn't that weird if you like me you've got lots of stuff lots and lots of stuff stuff you no longer use or maybe even never use stuff that doesn't spark joy in your life now that the new year's here it's time to finally deal with all that stuff and I'm not talk about hiding in the closet I'm talking about selling it on Macari you know Macari the selling app the selling app that makes selling almost anything fast and easy so here's where you begin go through your home and find all the stuff you didn't use in 2019 that phone in the drawer the pair of jeans you only wore once the handbag hiding in the back your closet listing it takes just minutes you take a few pics add a description and boom your items connected to millions of buyers on the app Macario even email you a shipping label when it sells everything ships so there's no awkward meetup with strangers which is great now that it's dark at 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enjoy a [ __ ] love to live in Scotland it's pretty easy just go you know what I'm tethered my kids it i well we were lucky in that respect cuz my oldest boy was just going to college and my youngest boy was just young enough to make the move without it being a big deal and he excited about it so that that we took that chance when he's always will probably move back here but it's you know that's what it is that's great so did you get to like as a kid I was I would say like I just want to correct some sorry I don't think we'll move back back as a kid I lived I grew up in Tampa and I have fantasies about single-engine I'm gonna say Cessna yeah way to fly oh yeah oh I know what we're talking about next I just took a flight in a single-engine Cessna what do you think I was just talking to Bill burr about it you know Bill's flies helicopter right oh yeah and he's beyond passionate mmm but izing I think I have a theory about the type of people who fly are people who can't shut their brain off normally but flying forces you to well I see I think lines very interesting spiritual axiom it teaches you how to live oh I'm ready to hear this cuz i i i just we just took a flight from here to fresno in a small plane mm-hmm and the hope whole prerequisite then sitting next to me will get you up will fly a little bit will let you fly a little bit and i'll show you how it's done mmm it was so overwhelming how much [ __ ] you have to know that i was like it was almost like learning a new language and i was like i don't think i have the bandwidth like i don't know yeah you get by japan helicopters a different thing a helicopter I don't know how people can do it you know if you say to a helicopter pilot next thing we talked to Bill Salus to see ask him if he can juggle because even if they can if they think about it we'll go yeah I think I probably could yeah cuz they're doing cuz the foot they can be they can can I can't juggle by a fly an airplane pretty good so so tell me about your spiritual connection me well I first of all there's the just a whole idea of flying you know taking a machine into the air and being in control of it which is amazing oh but also it taught me a lot about perspective see I did one of he's not gonna end up flying this because I was framed to fly I was trying to fly terrified to fly right terrified I'm terrified of it too so I had to learn how to do it and I actually was Kurt Russell ago me in it flying cut Russell's huge in the fine and I said Tuco Russell I'm terrified of lighting when you're not terrified of flying you're just a control freak and you just need to learn how to do it I'm like no no I'm terrified of light so Russell you get me in the gay sex yeah yeah he does he won't but I can see what you say I see we're going but also then was accepted flying with him he asked me this you can't cry in front of Snake Plissken you understand that right you got it you got a man up when it's Snake Plissken is there so I'm but I I started flying that I took these license because I was terrified of it when you're in LA he working on the late night show actually it was the writer strike the writer strike in 2000 and when was it 2010 2008 2008 2007 semana so the writer strikes on I can't go to work so I need something to do and I just going into it then so I just I really crushed lessons at that point and did a lot of them I got my license at Van Nuys Airport but I when you're flying an airplane you got a how you feel is not [ __ ] important it's what's happening is [ __ ] important so if you particularly when you land on a fly by the instruments only mm-hmm you know if you're looking at the instruments you got to trust the instruments if you if you look at the window you can't see and you feel like you're going this way there's no [ __ ] guarantee you're going that way you're just making that [ __ ] up right because and that's what happened to add charm from John F Kennedy he went into a graveyard spiral because you know I I mean I wouldn't wish that on an abuti but he was flying in conditions that he wasn't properly qualified to fly and he was flying on the instruments and and he was incorrect right right had he been flight look I don't know enough about that accident but my understanding of it as hat he flown the instruments properly that wouldn't happen that's right he's fine by feel by like going we're mm-hmm yeah and the instrument and so well I think I liked a bit flying is also it's completely rational it's a hundred percent truthful like in show business is a hundred percent [ __ ] right you live by [ __ ] hey I know how to ride a horse sure give me the part I'll be fine I know how to host the late-night show left a meeting where I'm like wait yeah oh yeah I've always loved the Knights of Britain yeah oh I play poker all the time a [ __ ] no you just tell whatever lie you need to tell at the time sure I can be President [ __ ] fine this fine whatever lie you need to tell I can act yeah I can act out I'll be there sure I've been sober for years you know whatever as you lie to an aviation if you lie about your abilities you die that day that [ __ ] day oh that's an interesting so you have to tell the truth about yourself you have to be honest about what you can do for experience you have and how capable you are of moving forward from this point you got to tell the truth about yourself in aviation or you won't be in any form of aviation and that I think is terrifyingly rational that's insane hmm so how long did you was it before you took lessons until you started doing it so yourself I was flying for a couple of months before I sold it out and then it was a while after that before I got my license really yeah the soloing was not the most difficult thing that's three landings and takeoffs at the airfield that you've been flying at all the time here by the time ISIL ABS ready kick the instructor out get out let me do it yeah but flying the first day they call it your cross first cross country flight where you fly away from the airport for the first time on your own that's a little that's a moment yeah I flew from my first girls country I flew from Van Nuys to Bakersfield and then said what's the name of pourer something up from Bakersfield kind of every name in the airfield Porterville is that that tone up I think it's Porterville I went at Bakersfield I landed at Bakersfield of course big it feels a big runway and there was nobody around I'm on my own I make the sweetest landing in my life yes like nobody to see it and I'm like oh let's squeak it down as beautiful then I fly up drops a great sound effect exactly and then I go to pour I think it's poor Ravel and I landed there and it was fine and I took off again then I fly back to Van Nuys Airport about 150 miles roundtrip I was coming back over the San Gabriels and a bit turbulence and turbulence is always what framed me so I had better balance coming over the mountains and I'm on my own you know no Kurt Russell I had talked to earlier about flying and I'd said to him when I want to get on a fly and I had said I want to know what's on the other side of that fear and he said the most movie line ever to me said on the other side of that fear is you right that's what he said it was like at a restaurant and I would I would I'm from further in this turbulence and it's like a movie and it's really Kurt Russell's voice in my head going on the other side of that fear is you is you is you but I was [ __ ] my pants so I took the plane up a little higher and the air traffic control is it what the [ __ ] you do and I mean I just wanna go up a little bit got a little chop they're like ok so they let me go up a little higher and then I brought the plane back down Van Nuys Airport Van Nuys Airport as I think the runways like 7,000 feet long one six right and I was coming at the runway it took me three ghosts I just I was so freaked out and of course everybody can see you there the air traffic controller even said to me how many landings you're gonna be doing today I'm like alright alright come on why did you have to do so many things just well if you if a landing isn't right the correct procedure is to take off and go around do it again it's never the wrong decision is always the right decision to go ahead and do that if you don't like the way a planes coming in at land [ __ ] all you can do when the ground is that close yeah so you can take it up set it up properly and come back down and do it right and it took me three goes to get that landing right but that's all there's not a pilot in the world that would consider that and it's funny and it's embarrassing it's not shameful yeah always the right like if you're ever in an airplane and the pilot yeah you know what we're gonna go around and go do it again there's a the pilots making the right choice every single time I've always thought that with with flights that are delayed I neveri one gets upset and I go no no no no no I think we're doing the right thing here how it was okay whatever needs to be fixed fix it in the ground before us yes yeah so did flying get rid of your fear of flying you know weirdly enough no but here's the thing I I it did in a way it's in a way I mean look I I just took flight yesterday from London and Los Angeles so 11 hour flight I wasn't frightened then the plan was watching movies and doze and stuff like before I was in a fight I mean like that the whole flight I've gotten there this past October I flew really aggressively I flew a lot hmm and I was my go to has always been drinking on planes always yeah it stopped working for me that I I used to do that and then I was just scared and drunk no no if I have a drink it disappears no like I had no fear whatsoever gosh I I that's an interesting piece of information yeah look at that I know well I say I'm very I there's a lot I'm learning about myself this this year yeah but one of the things is I'm very ritualistic I'm thinking you know magic underwear little OCD things certain way I gotta wash my body I fly and you know there's nothing new in any of that [ __ ] you know the only poor bastard that's [ __ ] trapped in that [ __ ] [ __ ] it is [ __ ] like the foot one of the early teachings of Buddha is about getting rid of all really I'll get rid of all I gotta get rid of it it's making me crazy it is try and let it go I used to have to [ __ ] where magic Underpants on the plane and unless ever [ __ ] ridiculous now I've read there's a very good book called the pilots guide to aeronautical knowledge and it's a book that the FAA put so it's a very concise book about learning how to fly yeah have you got it well the the the oh the sword thing that's he's good that guy that's Tom bun right every great as soon as you say that I went I there's a book on getting rid of a fear why don't know it's not the book at the book that I'm talking about is about Lana to fly it's not about fear of flying it's called the pilot's gate they are not school knowledge it's a textbook about learning to fly the FAA put it but I've read it cover-to-cover there's nothing in that book about what underwear you wear or how you wash your body before you go on the plane or now what it does talk about is your main set before you fly you know have you you know are you you know are you tired have you set up the self probably have you I can't remember the Sun actually in an acronym for it I can't remember what it is but the excuse me hungry angry lonely tired that kind of thing but it's like for planes and there's also something that they caught let's get there itís like they talked about it's not really important it has to get their porn isn't that you get there now oh that's ever that's JFK right there ever like we're gonna be late for the wedding all right you're gonna be late for the wedding cher happens yeah or what about if your flight instructor says hey I'll come with you say yes always say yes for another pilot offers to sit up front with you always say yes I would anyway certainly a pilot who can fly a plane better than me like [ __ ] yeah of course yeah absolutely maybe I got to get my pilot's license maybe like I was so overwhelmed by the process and and but what I know it has a process take okay did the guy said to me said well so then let's do this like I'm gonna let's go through my checklist and I was like alright and the checklist get their itis kicked in on me cuz I like so I'm the kind of guy that if if I unpack a desk from Ikea I already start putting together without looking at the instruction and I saw the checklist I was like just it we're good and I'm going we're good right like you've already looked but don't do this for me let's just go he's not doing it for you he's not doing it I drink and he did not [ __ ] around there's no grab a slurry in flying and I thought we went through the whole checklist and then we took off and I I immediately got this fear of like being claustrophobia of like I'm not I can't go anywhere for a little bit mm-hmm and then he gave me the controls and I was having such a hard time steer like I just barely move it a little bit I don't want to move too much you see in movies when people are going like that with air places like it's not ever happen in an airplane that's crazy and then he goes oh you need to fly the plane don't the plane fly you and he just grabs the controls and dives and I go what the [ __ ] yeah but once you know how works particularly a Cessna by them yeah if you're in a Cessna and the plane goes into a dive leave it alone and it'll get you out of the dive yeah that plane wants to fly straight level if you go if you're gonna Cessna and you're going like that you leave it alone it'll go like that yeah you just it has to go like that before you hit the ground so you know you it'll go like that there are amazing airplanes a fabulous airplane are you flying in Scotland mm-hmm I have an RV 6 which is an experimental plane it's uh it's like a little little wing to see her really and how often do you fly I share the plane with two other guys we were much better Eilis than me and we'll fly a little bit but in the winter it's tough cuz it's a grass strip and all that comes ok is it I would imagine Scotland's beautiful to fibre past VFR flying I've ever seen I bet that's gorgeous gorgeous when I I I said to BER one time I'm sure I was drinking when I said it I didn't mean anything by it I said I'll tell you why I don't trust helicopters they go one screw bill one screw one screw comes up whole thing goes yesterday I wasn't told in this like two years ago yesterday goes he says so to me that [ __ ] with my head all the time everything's one screw Bert everything's one it's one screw for everything it's not just the bucket look after but you you know you go through the checklist screw it's add something yeah flying is fairly it gets but it gets it's funny that actually all that ritualistic [ __ ] you're talking about washing yourself a certain way and doing all that stuff that old please enter the checklist use that [ __ ] for the checklist you know we can't take off yet why because I haven't done the checklist that's smart yeah you know and the checklist checklist for ever the checklist before you start to plan up checklist before you taxi checklist that you get to the end of the runway checklist before you take off checklist after you take off checklist that cruise check lift when you start to decision tech your there was a the one thing you kept having me do is check my check my gauge or my instrument yeah the agreement age like yeah and it's just are you at the zero thing and and it was it for it forced me to get out of fear because I was like you're busy busy working right and also you start to learn what ers there's a liquid it behaves like a liquid particularly at speed it's a liquid yeah so you know let's see I always thought the engine is what keeps the plane in the air no airspeed this what keeps the plane in the air the air going over the wing as long as the things got wings you got a shot yeah I guess when you think about it that way I always found myself to be more of a boat guy boots are good boots of just the sailing boats is just like flying at set everything's much slower hey there's something over there well I'll have a sandwich and then we'll deal with it aviation is like okay we'll deal with it right now then we'll have a sandwich so when you got to Scotland when you move to Scotland were you like I mean this sounds so silly I just think of like anyone moving anywhere did you go like so what jobs do we have over here like I know I can do stand-up my dog on tour I know I can do that but like should I look into doing like like doing a TV show over here like what I did I did think about that for a minute I thought about doing a TV show over there and it I've even made a pilot for it and it didn't get picked and I'm very glad then that would have been a huge mistake so I I thought about it but I think it was more of a habit like I should find something to do but I you know I I have a movie that I'm directing next year and I wanted to write this movie and I I have a book that I you know I've been writing forever that I need to finish and some other stuff I want to do I think I'm done with perform and pretty much yeah yeah I think so I I don't I feel like particularly with this last thing the whole fabulous thing I think yeah that's it I'm Type O and leave it I'm doing a game show for ABC we're going to shoot next week's like a big primetime game show and I'll do that because that's is it's a contained world it's a game show you play the game yeah but the idea of doing a show where I have to either interview people on TV or or tour around didn't stand up anymore and I don't see that happening again who when you look back at the late The Late Show what what was your best interview do you think we got up and you're like god damn that was [ __ ] good you know by the way this is one of mine right now like I don't normally do this good of a job I think that I think that it's usually about who you're talking to I the example I always give is Desmond Tutu you know cuz he's Desmond Tutu you know Desmond Tutu and Nelson Mandela changed history mm-hmm so if I get to talk to him for half an hour on TV if I don't come away from that changed I'm a [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah you know and I and I I'm many things but I am NOT stupid and I listen to him and that kind of changed me and I that but I didn't think I'd done a particularly good job I was just interested in what this giant intellect had imparted to me and that that was is that the pool it's a pullback oh gee I missed that from from being in LA there's the sound of the sake pool thing yeah it rubs the lotion on it's kid but um so I think that it was more it was more about people that impressed yeah yeah you know the next day I never thought I was particularly good at interviewing I don't think I am particularly good at interviewing I know how to have conversation with people but I'm not Barbara Wars I can if I can get you to cry or [ __ ] do that it's not my job either no by the way I don't like conflict like no I I really hate it I I really don't like I hate when you know whenever I get asked to do shows where everyone's discussing things I'm like no yeah and no and that's why I have [ __ ] hate the the social media and all that I would pack on Twitter today YouTube for one day because usually it's my tour manager Tomas it doesn't and I said [ __ ] it I'm an alien I'll doing that and I've been doing it most of the day but I'll probably stop before I get her because it's crazy and I I don't thrive in that environment I said to someone last night on stage I was like you know you you know I forget what I forget the line I was using but I was like you don't understand how different things were like it's it's almost mind-blowing that my children will never know just how different things were like for social media before social before phones let up for fun before phones were in your hand yeah I mean I don't even use this as a phone I barely ever call anybody yeah I know I mean I don't really need technically a phone I just need like a computer chip in my ear that I can click every now and check my my postings it'll happen I'll be the first one to get the computer chip in the air I'd love that well good for you man I'm going in a different direction it's I wish I could I wish I could I'm so tethered to it right now now I understand that and and I have been at various times and I am right now because I'm away from home my wife and kids are in Scotland well my oldest boy is a college so we're is he in the States yeah he's in New York in college in New York City you're gonna stop and see him well we'll all be Bank scholar for Christmas so oh yeah yeah so I'll see him there it's weird though yeah wait you kids what's that poor age are your kids 13 and 15 right so you you're heading into it when when the that little penis to [ __ ] change his diaper and now he's like six foot one and knows more about [ __ ] and I do kind of power dynamic is that you know I'm having sincere anxiety about my daughter's leaving yeah I I can understand her because you love them so much but it's the you know it's the way of things it's not I don't want it to be now I don't either I don't know I gotta tell you I'm not happy with it but you know I'm happy and I trust him you know I he's a smart guy he's much smarter than I was as a much more tonight I'm now you know and and he's doing his thing and he's good at it what's he doing he's studying animation god I know and he's really good at it and it's like it's really it's humbling you know and then my youngest boy is only 900 see that's what I need is a sale wife he still thinks I'll start a brand new family get rid of this one I could send my moves to college if I get a new one well you think that but that's not quite how it played over me it's not quite how it works but you know it is funny when they grow up it's not it's not comfortable did you have a conversation with your or your oldest about booze and drugs and alcohol sure from the very beginning from the very beginning you got a very beginning we've always talked about it he's he doesn't seem to be Colton yeah my oldest is so measured in life you know like when she'll she'll make one egg for breakfast and I'll be like Robin you make like put just put two just in case you want more she's like I don't and I was like well you never know that is sick no I know that yeah you never know that I made four eggs this morning oh yeah anymore why not be vegan for four years you're vegan too well I gotta be honest with you I I call it weird alien because weird al' yankovic is a vegan but he cheats with cheese on pizza sometimes yeah and I feel like that's that's the way it is I'll never forgive carcass again that's never gonna happen but really but a little bit of cheese yeah that was a vegan I went vegan we were in an airport like eight in the morning and we're drinking we're on tour we're leaving Florida I'm with my buddy Dave and I'm Cobra our tour manager at the time you go to a magical Cobra yeah yeah never to with anyone named after a snake of any kind is a rule I've always followed I named him yeah I didn't like his regular name his name was Joe I was like right up to many Joe's in my life hey Cobra so he so I said I'm going vegan and they were like you can't go vegan I go no I'm going vegan I didn't realize vegans more of a moral choice as opposed to a health choice I don't know what it was for me but me it was a just kind of snuck up on me but I watch the documentary on Netflix I was like oh my god what was documentary forks over knives have you seen it oh no I'm afraid to watch it me I don't work because it's not particularly frothy it's very medical it's very practical it and the two guys that are the the leading proponents of it one is the head of the Mayo Clinic heart surgeon I think he may be retired now and the other guy who was a former head of the FDA so they're not you know hippies and a VW bus they're they know what the [ __ ] I'm talking about so then yeah you this is four years ago about that yeah and how hard was the transition were you eat really like a state guy before then yeah a little bit meat and potatoes but I I you know I'm a creature of extremes so the an extreme movement is seems like an easier one for me to do it in a gentle move and that's why flying was challenging because I want to go around but yeah but no the only thing I felt was for about two weeks I couldn't get [ __ ] warm really now enemies in California in the middle of a heat wave and all of us do it I was doing that thing you never meant to do with the dog I was sitting in the car with the windows closed that was the only thing I could get warm I was like I was [ __ ] freezin but the other than that nothing and what happened look I've been a comedian for a long time and I've done stand-up for a long time and some you know I've said a lo of hateful stupid objectionable wrong things in the course of my life I have as well I'm gonna join you on that statement I have as well right now but I have never said anything that seems to in fury people more than saying I'm a father v dude you can attack religion you can attack and you can attack and then politics but once you see the people I don't eat critters or anything scores out of them they get a pitchforks and they come after you with the flaming torches in a way that you wouldn't [ __ ] believe people are so quick to share their opinions yeah on what you should eat when you tell them you're vegan you know what I think is amazing I call these whatever I get it as something where'd you get the protein I'm talking to some 300-pound alcoholic who's worried about [ __ ] protein why the [ __ ] should I care what you think about my world you get two protein no good protein [ __ ] up my protein I was I was a vegan I chose to be vegan in that Florida Airport I got on the plane I had a drink on the plane yeah and sitting next to a guy wearing a long horns Texas Longhorns hat right uh-huh and I said she comes around for the service and she goes what would you like for did you stop saying you were a vegan right away no I said I said very candidly I said uh what are the options she said well we have a pasta and we have a steak and I went I'm gonna go with the pasta says her meat in the pasta she says no I said is there cheese on the pasta and she says no I said awesome I'll go with the pasta and she goes alright then the guy says next two meters what are you like a vegetarian or something yeah go Madison right and then I said actually I'm a vegan a bit of vegan thirty minutes and told Matt I go I'm vegan and he goes yeah and I go yeah and so you get your protein he goes and so I start eating it and then he's laughing and I go what he goes I was waiting till you took a bite you know that there's arrogant pasta right you're no vegan you know vegan and I thought you uh what little dude I didn't want to be like a [ __ ] I've only been a vegan for about half an hour and it's I'm I don't really give a [ __ ] but he was the way he did that I thought it was so it's interesting isn't it yeah like I always get really mad at yeah I I still not quite sure I understand it ya know Wyatt I don't know why people get take it personally yeah it's so odd you know it's it's almost like whenever anyone's had a problem with Mema Nort drinking like if I say nod I don't rank whenever I comes out or not fairly public above you know whenever anyone's had a problem with me about that it's because they've got a [ __ ] problem Yeah right and that's what it feels like with the me thing like whenever I say now I don't eat critters or and it squirts out of them anyone who has a bit when people have a problem with I think why are you so [ __ ] agitated about this this is a choice I made for me yeah but I think it is to preemptively stop you from shaming them about whatever they're eating man I find it so cool and people are vegans I think it's because I tried it and it was so it was just a couple weeks yeah look the thing is about it is well it's not like an addiction thing it's not like yeah after I had stopped eating meat for a couple of weeks I thought I want to try a bit of steak to see her and I got this my wife made a Stegen and I took a little bit and I went yeah there's no for me it's not it's not head and wear it I wanted to head and it kind of makes me feel gross but when I took it I expected to feel the phenomenon of craving yeah it's interesting I did it I've done it a few times I went I've gone vegetarian a few times as well and when I had my first day I got to a place like two weeks and maybe a week we can have two weeks in and we were going to a steak house and I was like for like with friends and yeah and I thought I'm not like this isn't something I'm married to I'll have a steak had a steak this is gonna sound so hokey but I woke up that night very heavy yeah it felt like I felt like I had the spirit of that animal inside me oh and I was like and I was like I feel like I also had I feel a lot heavier than I felt before I didn't ever felt this heavy and I was like yeah but I still know I mean I just then stopped being a vegan I was like I guess a little bit the hell the souls of the animals I eat but I you know I don't know it for me works yeah for me it works and the the way that you know like people are bang on about [ __ ] carbon emissions coming out of perfectly decent automobiles and not want to talk about the real [ __ ] problem of all these [ __ ] cow pastures causing all that [ __ ] deforestation and all that you know and the industrial farming methods and the [ __ ] [ __ ] that that brings to the world but you know I'm a [ __ ] some judgmental hippie for even bringing it up I know man this seems to me there's a lot of selective amnesia but that [ __ ] um I'm bothered by the selective amnesia that happens in our country with where people light people up online usually online for social justice issues whereas they're not taking a look at the big picture like say all the plastic in our oceans or I'm interested in the big picture I think anyone the like I think the the joy of lighting some went up when social media is exactly that there's no [ __ ] subtext what they're doing is they're enjoying lighting someone up in social media is what I used to call the blue bottles the the the people that would hang around the guillotine waiting for someone to get their [ __ ] head chopped off you know models blue bottles is what they call them blue bottles a big you know the big heavy flies they call them blue balls and they would hang around the oh yeah yeah yeah yeah no but they would call the the people that they would take delight in seeing the martyr of other people or the allegorical martyr the social media but the social media the problem I have with social media is that all media is now social media all Twitter is considered a source that's like it's ridiculous that's like the bathroom the public bathroom wall where a guy wrote something on a sharpie is considered a [ __ ] source it's un-fuckin'-believable that you would consider that a source and you know whenever it's funny I was talking to my wife about it she's I went on I went on Instagram and I just pissed me off and I said baby if you swim in a sewer you shouldn't start complaining if you get hit in the face with a turd it's gonna happen yeah um and I I feel like the problem is that now all media is social media I don't know where you get your news I don't know where the [ __ ] I get mine I just [ __ ] try and pick my way through it and the the idea that different which what's that is that a plane it is there's a jet engine or something sorry I don't pass but the but the the idea that you ever watched when your kids were young toddlers playing soccer like the ball goes one way and all the kids just go there's no one's thinking about the game they just don't follow the [ __ ] ball yeah I think media is know just like where they all go their bar and I I don't know what to do about it I can't help I got nothing and [ __ ] say other than express my you know despair about it and I quit and I think that's how I know I host a game show cuz it's a good job and it's fun to do and I like doing it and I'm good at I went to [ __ ] a Me's for it so I must have been reasonable at it yeah and I like doing it and it's rewarding but the idea of being involved in the maelstrom of public life [ __ ] that [ __ ] it's uh it I think it eats at you I know that what happens to me is especially my my OCD and my my anxiety really heightens when I have a morning on my phone like this morning I did not have a morning on my phone and barely have touched my phone today yourself law you look at what people the with the saying about you oh and not oh by the way I'll take googling yourself to an art form but I do not Google what people are saying about me I learned that very quickly I was like I won I won't even read comments anymore because one negative comment oh I'll scroll months until I find the negative one and I'm like that's what I learned when you were looking for it's like a wall to me it's a reverse narcissism I think it's Venus it's a narcissist despising his reflection yeah that that's that's what it is and it is it was a very good speaker there's no one around anymore me used to talk about that he's talking about the idea it's really a form of perfectionism oh I'm a hardcore perfectionist yeah that's why it's why you're looking for the guy that hits you on Twitter okay hits everybody oh yeah sometimes he's uh he's 12 and you're like Jever you ever gonna like maybe you're doing a gig somewhere or you used to think that's when I was driving out the i-40 and you'd pass like some real podunk trailer park somewhere on the side of the freeway and the trucks are going by and it's some people who are really struggling and and putting their you know putting some kind of life together there yeah and I would drive by these things and go that's the comment I'm worried about coming from right there some person who's angry about a whole lot of things yeah and you know and I say guess what everybody I'm a vegan why wouldn't you [ __ ] throw off the [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] a guy like me for saying that I just don't want to I just don't want to have it hit me that's all yeah don't don't get mad at me for ducking you know it's just that's just the way it is it's nice it's it's nice to be off your phone it really is I'm so tethered to mine it's it's it's a it's a 21st century problem no doubt it's a real issue and so real issue for a lot of people and I I have no helpful information other than the only thing I've learned about [ __ ] doing [ __ ] that's making you feel bad about yourself my the best one is maybe smoking the only way I could really stop smoking is to stop putting a cigarette my mouth and sent fire to it other than that it's all just [ __ ] conversation so you stop drinking don't [ __ ] drink now that being said you're gonna have to do stuff for you or you'll [ __ ] kill yourself you psychotic but with smoking that's different you stop smoking eventually you'll start feeling same thing with losing weight yeah yeah wait another month don't you just like I I got home last night I I lost like 35 pounds in in a couple of you months right around October beginning in November and then I was at already the month you doing drink don't drink yeah okay I don't know if the two are connected in any way but I just thought I might I'm definitely a lot healthier person like I bet but it's [ __ ] poison with a slightly narcotic effect well let's do all of what it is yeah yeah it's poison with a narcotic effect now you can put a [ __ ] label on it you could put fish through it you can see oh it smells a bit like apples it's a poison with a narcotic effect it is a poison Oh so but I feel like when I'm when I'm not drinking I'm just I a lot more active I just get up earlier I get to go to the gym a terrible side effects not drink enough no install that myself but but I've continued the lot I remember I it is a weird effect of make sense but after October my drinking is cut back drastically for the next six months eight months and then it starts kicking in when I know October is coming around well you know tell me how you live your life but if it's getting in the way it's not right now boy but but what I in losing weight someone was like so how did you lose the weight and it's super simple it's just eat lassi less and move more yab you actually you could cut it down even more just the last [ __ ] heat less just eat less but last night I got home and I go I been out some friends are in town they've been shooting a movie in they're in town they're at the bar next door if I go over there to have a drink with them we'll have one drink our walk home and I know that I have a bunch of tacos in my favor Swede late night eaten and I not feel too saying I have I struggle with it still to this day is something really great but oh okay fries you know come on I just stood in my kitchen and I went there's no science to this it's just Bert walk into that room put your head on that pillow and go to bed don't eat anything and I just did it and I woke up feeling great but then I had to talk her the second I woke up so weena I could have had that talk all last night or this morning IIIi don't know about of it I just sleep a little better if I'm hungry but it's harder to get to sleep but once I get to sleep I sleep bare yeah but that's I don't know if everybody's like I'm like that I sleep pretty ice but I you know also you if I've one of my kids is still young so there's like tater tots and stuff around you know oh God [ __ ] that sweet kid food that these these these kids eat like millionaires little fried chunks remember hearing jon favreau say they go how did you stop eating the did you lose weight and he goes I just stopped cleaning out my kids plates cheese was a [ __ ] oh you'd make your kids mac and cheese and they'd have a little Bowl then you have a big thing about yeah mac and cheese in there I just murder it every time oh man so how long you in the States for I'm gonna shoot this game show for ABC next week I'm gone and then what do you where you staying boy here yeah in a hotel that's nice you know it's kind of weird I gotta be honest with you it's gotta be weird I'm like well that's kind of strange did you drive by any old haunts you know I was driving by today exiled left nearly for 23 years I was driving today was my first day I got and yesterday I was and I drove by Carrie Fisher's old house and carried through a part a birthday party for me in that house I got 10 years ago maybe someone had more and it's weird it's a weird feeling because she's not there anymore in the house I don't know what's going on with the house sponsor someone else I guess well I know it's [ __ ] strange the world you know world changes and it's it's weird beanbags made me feel very strange my kids were born here my my life was here for a long time for a long time yeah you know I made my money here I made my own my career here all your success I mean not all you know all of it all of it really all of it of any meaning is from here it's crazy because it must have a huge stamp on your spirit to down to a place where you just thrived yeah yeah I did but the LA that I knew and you've been here for a while you know it's different here oh it's changed here in LA in the past five years it's changed a lot I think something happened with the traffic is a little weirder mm-hmm maybe something to do with like the minute Uber's on the road maybe GPS things people can do ever I don't know what interesting I bet you see that a lot clearer than I see it cuz it it's been us it's like gaining weight you don't notice you gain weight but if you haven't seen someone for four years then you got mad yeah a little bit you know I mean it has changed the law and the homeless problems it's really upset and I'm sure it's more upsetting for the actual homeless people but it's hard to see man it it's like oh my god problems so bad here it makes me feel terrible I actually feel worse than the homeless people do about it but I mean it it's really it's really hard to know what to say or do but some like it feels very very weird in LA as I am starting to do little small things or like I got a thing I'm working out with this taco place that I went to last night they do something so I thought well I can do something too and I have a yeah I'd ever done business piece yeah and so on and but I find I have a real issue with offering my time for people I don't know why but I do I don't it because if I do it I don't like being told what to do so if I do it I want to do it I want to do my schedule and I'm I want but I don't want to tell anyone about it because if I once I tell someone about it they expected of me I start going and this feels dirty again I think that's a fairly healthy spiritual axiom that if you do something good and someone knows about it yeah that negates that you got to find something else to do this good so that they no one finds out about it then it then it's good that's how I feel about it yeah I don't I don't know why I you know do something good for someone and if anybody hears about it you got to find something else to do yeah I agree when you when you decide to move back to Scotland did you where did you move to in Scotland did you move to where you grew up close to another time I grew up and but but you know Scotland's not a huge country so it's did you get to like did you get to pick a place to live in that as a kid you were like I would love to live there yeah how cool is that that's very cool well you're like can't when you're moving into it you're like I can't believe yeah it's it's pretty cool no it's it's it's good I like it I mean look I don't know if I had a move back but but Megan wanted to go so man and I'm I'm really glad we did it I'm really glad we did it it's cool it's also you know what I think he's right it's why I know it's today I was talking to Megan about it I actually on the phone today you know when you go on tour and like you're in a hotel and say Denver or San Francisco or you're Albuquerque or ever and there's the local magazine is always in the hotel and it's like you know Denver confidential or you know Sacramento scene or something like that it's always some free magazine in the hotel room and you get pictures of local people at the parties well I was in the hotel in LA and those pictures all these like movie stars and [ __ ] at parties I think this looks like a [ __ ] pool don't [ __ ] like it could be [ __ ] anywhere and I think a lease offers a great deal from thinking it's a lot cooler than it is and I and I that's kind of how I began to feel about the social media thing see Twitter in particular the only one I was ever on it's a chatroom right you remember chat this is a giant chat room now I think we can all agree that I'm cool you are I'm cool yeah you are you I've been for a long time a long time I'm too cool to be in a [ __ ] chat room I can't be in a buggy jerem like what I'm not talking to you [ __ ] you I'm too cool like I've been your [ __ ] jerem yeah and and Ellie feels like a little bit like that to me is like everyone thinks they're cool you're not [ __ ] cool if you were cool you wouldn't think you were cool yeah no it's it's the paradox of gulity and I I don't know man I I feel kind of the Airlie that I loved I don't I don't think it's it's it's different and I'm not part of it and I don't know if it's better or worse but I'm no part of it you know I'm I'm oh I feel like I've I've I fantasize everyone in Ellie does that and you did it it's right that I'm cool the perfect way that is the perfect way you usually are Craig thank you so much for doing this miss I'm back I love you i really back at you love you know when i come on tour I'm doing a European tour again amazing I can't wait I'm gonna yeah I'll open for you

Channel: Bert Kreischer

Views: 665,572

Keywords: Bert Kreischer, Stand Up Comedy, The Machine, Bert, Bertcast, burt, bertbertbert, berty, comedy, stand up, comedians, berty boy, fully loaded, burtburtburt, kreischer, machine, secret time, netflix special, hey big boy, the cabin, razzle dazzle, escape room, netflix, russia, go big show, bert the conqueror, hurt bert, somethings burning, comfortably dumb

Id: UZse5SZWP88

Length: 92min 54sec (5574 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 08 2020