Craig Ferguson & His Audience - 2012 Edition, Vol. 3 Out Of 4

[Music] please state your name for the folks at home Nicole Nicole where you from Nicole New Jersey New Jersey I see are you now or have you any time being on the Jersey Shore mildly actually I was walking by you were walking by the Jersey Shore like Snooki just kind of scuttled by yours I'm looking for the beach I don't know really you are on yes you're the first Jersey Shore person I have a load on this show [Applause] [Music] let me see let's uh let's have a talk okay about you're here I like it no I do what that's that purple lavender sorry now when I when I was a youngster like you a lot of people were doing their hair that color and I was one of them did you do it yourself then are you a hairdresser no what do you do for a living I'm a makeup artist ah no that's great do you work in Hollywood sometimes really have you done anyone [Applause] or have you even just given them some makeup [Music] student films student loans I've done some student films yeah yeah I didn't know they were student films I thought they were big independent feature that what you want to do then work on the work in the studio as it features like Mick create like the grinch and stuff like that make monsters yeah that's what you want to do yeah well good it's amazing when you think like this is really on TV right now so when you do your hair like when I dyed my hair I dyed all oh my [Laughter] passes a time but a lady would never tell I did mine blind last night that's why I came out this purple oh you didn't need to go purple no it was supposed to be like a little lighter available for your student film [Music] right yeah please state your name for the folks at home Tim Tim Tim what do you do for a living Tim I'm a director director which should redirect up TV show movies TV shows TV show with TV show to direct play Late Show Late Late Show yeah this this show this show how long you'd be directing this show Tim today's my first day [Applause] [Music] everything's gonna be great now you're probably wondering hey it's my first day there's never been a dude over there there's a dude over there right now now how would you be able to direct be walking up and down and what's your name son Steve Steve how are you gonna get Steve and me in juicing just one camera Tim and how is that gonna work would you use more than one camera might might yeah yes yeah you have how would you do it why don't you tell your folks in the booth which camera you want to use to the shows how it's done huh well I'm thinking that too has a shot three three three we're on one right where I want we go one and then three ready three wait a minute who's doing it now Tim if you're Jen no Jan so have you ever worked here before you were director - yes what did you do then I was the assistant or assistant director how long were you the assistant director 17 years 17 years wait wait wait I swear to god I'll come up there so this would not be a night to rock it up then turn or given us your first date this might be the best night to do that anyway so I want to send Steve back to sit with his parents now how am I gonna do it how you gonna cover that he's got a walker he's gonna walk right passes and go right over there how we gonna do that we'll go to 3 go to 333 why now mark yeah right now why not all right and then you still you go across that way yeah pretty one you don't you did great son yeah great yeah [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] somebody here is the luckiest person in the room somebody here has never been seen this show before and has never heard of me [Applause] when I tap you on the shoulder please say your name for the folks at home Frankie Frankie at the piano ta da where are you from gets that Fernando Valley San Fernando Valley why that's almost a mile from here [Music] are you from Frankie a friend Oh Lally sad you've never heard of me either Frankie no CBSA me campaign is really hitting top speed [Music] so begs the question though if you kids have no idea who I am and and what I do for a living why are you here because it's not the San Fernando Valley what do you do over there kids but you can without the other take care that's not nothing that's lovely it's nice what's your mom's name [Music] have you met him oh yeah now why do you guys over here someone and offer you chicken just just to come and have fun well the fun stops now now what you probably don't know is you've never seen this show before that this is the part where somebody in the audience when surprised and somebody gets naked [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I'm kidding this is scbs nobody gets naked sometimes people take their pants off but they're wearing other pants underneath ask you a question what shows do you watch on TV do you have me when you've got obscure cape I get up to what actually I that would explain it you know I want you to go are we here with a positive experience right there just wait there to the end of the show what oh yeah oh we can give them a ticket a free meal in a restaurant not that restaurant Craig's the really good one oh there's a really good restaurant have you ever heard of its called Craig's really it's a really good restaurant it's all the top stars go there I'm never there they'll give you a free dinner well they won't be free we'll have to pay for it and look here's some candy from a creepy man who's in the basement [Applause] welcome to America today when I tap you on the shoulder please say your name for the folks at home David David waiting for him David Charlotte North Carolina Charlotte North Carolina Andrea Andrea where you from Andrea Boston Boston Massachusetts yes I see welcome to America today what's the update on either side of the mason-dixon line [Laughter] have you two ever met before we know well I've got a surprise for you you're starring in a new sitcom this fall what are you doing a you on vacation both of you I'm trying out Los Angeles but wait were you trying to over living oh really yeah you don't love you unless you have to yeah I don't like it too much then go home that okay [Music] you like it here David I love it [Applause] come on back come on back now here's what the thing you're from Charlotte aren't you yes yeah they got a NASCAR track there everything we do yeah do you enjoy the NASCAR I love it there's no right or wrong answer [Music] do you know what NASCAR is yes really a hipster like you d-did they have a NASCAR track in Boston I probably no no no you know I've been in Boston a lot though you know I look like every cop in Boston it's true all right there one of you students of the American Civil War nope give it a little bit okay who won the Union the Union right appointed a dangerous area I don't know how the hell to get out I know commercials where were I bag [Applause] he gentlemen please state your name's alaya from Travis from Red Deer Alberta Canada mmm-hmm Josh from Red Deer Alberta Canada I see have you ever met before this evening yes yes yes good Canadians a they never stopped chattering so what are you doing in Los Angeles gentlemen we came here to see you really how did you get here by car you drew all the way you drove from Canada to come and see me yeah thousand three hundred kilometers plus something like 2,000 miles ish how much milder there's a long long drive yeah did you guys make out on the way well he fell asleep a couple times does who knows yeah oh yeah you drove all this way just to see me hey do we have security at all so listen have you been in the United States before or have you enjoyed our lack of health care yeah Vinnie Vegas Vegas did you go to Vegas on the way here yeah you guys I'll bet you had such a rocket time we did yeah what did you do well he went to bed early and I watched a show [Applause] [Music] and what you do I walk the strip go crazy did you have one of them big long drinks with the ball at the end oh no you know what I'm talking about yeah Jeff you know what I'm so gentlemen we have a prize for you I've just decided what bride restaurant full restaurant Grieg's oh yeah cuz it's not named after me but there is a fantastic restaurant here in Los Angeles is called Craig's they serve all sorts of fantastic food but just be warned our bacon system is different to yours [Laughter] you guys didn't have any plans for me or anything do you I don't think so like you know what I like captured me make me your own very own pet or anything like that come back with us you want free health care probably like it that's fine Yeah right I'll go [Applause] please state your name and where you are from for the folks at home would you Lucy Thornton from Edinburgh Scotland Kirsten Thompson from Edinburgh Scotland Scottie's you say if you studies how come your tan a lo of timing oil now I didn't get that did you get that are you girls on vacation holiday holiday nice four six six weeks of holiday right you must be from Edinburgh then nedra's a town in Scotland which is more money than the town where I'm from Glasgow people that look down on the people of Glasgow this will be the subtext for the rest of the segment people from Edinburgh what are you doing in Los Angeles enjoying our crystal meth no yeah what are you doing don't do drugs no no I don't think they're really from it so what do you do net bro you students just finished what what were you studying law lawyers yeah I find myself conflicted I hate people from Edinburgh and lawyers hey got you that cello yes so are you going to see other parts of America or just this crappy bit going to Vegas Oh hagas that's that's nice very like Edinburgh no been there yet no no this trip ever going to Hawaii Hawaii wise lovely do you enjoy spam you don't like spam no I don't think we get in scholars yeah I grew up on spam we had it in Glasgow all the time maybe not you're scum I'm scum yep you're vermin bro right Wow we've got a special surprise for you what was the restaurant that you're gonna send the ladies to the Ivy restaurant no the Ivy restaurant here in Los Angeles is very good daddies Pam that will send this celebrities go there you'll see celebrities will be awesome actually go there is it time for commercials oh thank god oh yeah [Music] please state your name for the folks at home when I tap you on the shoulder Jim and Alex what are you doing Jim and Alex I'm a firefighter firefighter ray I work for the IRS [Music] wait a minute you guys are filtered Safe Routes you are a fire fighter yes but you don't work for the IRS oh yes I did do you really yes I did jibber hose him down do you guys know each other yep yep he's my son idiot oh that's lovely and you got a deal on the shirts then yesterday now what what's the thing with the shirts what does it say hi state the Ohio State what what what is the Ohio State the Ohio State University yes but what do you do there not a thing [Music] I should have gone that so a day dude dude you study there do you play some form of sport there well no I just root for their sports ah right football you've got a good football team all right I see how did they do then during the season of whatever I'm not originally from here how many they went 12 I believe that's good that's good did you ever play football yourself when you were younger just in high school right you high school what are you doing in LA vacation why here they live I moved to California if you did yeah but up in the valley oh I'm sorry ah [Applause] so you work for the IRS and the valley yes so you say the IRS doesn't have any places in the valley does it yeah we have quite a few places in the valley do you spy if you're a spy the whole red shirt thing is a very bad idea like if you're a spy you don't go over tomorrow and go red shirt they'll never know I'm here other people talk to you about these shirts only hi State fans or Michigan fans I'm sure that's very funny if you know what he's talking about i-i'm out of my depth we've got a great show here at CBS it's not this one but this is the one you're on do you know the they have to give you money for just that in here like this no not a work order go to declare [Music] remind you of anyone Catherine that is your name isn't it Catherine how do I know that we've only just met I sensed it was Manchester England Manchester England yeah I was studying abroad so I didn't get a word of that you get that's lovely are you having a nice time in America yeah there's a film just come out this because somebody looks just like you in it as soon as the thing look that's you can [Applause] Catherine I'm in this film when I say I'm in it's a cartoon animated film sorry but uh but my voice isn't it cool thanks he's very supportive I like her so how long are you staying in America for I've only got like two weeks left no then gain did you get any of that yeah what are you doing Manchester I'm just a student well that's not just that's a big thing what are you studying I study English but I do know London I go to university in London but like I'm from Manchester I see I see are you a fan of the Happy Mondays they were abandoned from Manchester Catherine probably before you were born Joy Division the farm don't know are you really from Manchester Manchester United oh right well this is lovely will we've got a special treat for you okay thank you what's the special treat today a dinner for two Catherine a swanky Hollywood eatery Craigs I see no there's a restaurant called Craig's you can't come to my house come I'm married with kids plus I'm like your grandpa yeah yeah anyway good luck with your film I believe you don't know any of these bands did you ever go at the Hacienda you're probably two-year-old I don't know what that is [Music] oh my god charming attractive trio of ladies but I touch you in the shoulder please say your name for the folks at home Kelsey where you from Kelsey Pasadena Victoria are you from Victoria Pasadena as well do you know each other yes we live right across the street Jamie Don Jaime Don where are you from Jamie done Hot Springs Arkansas ah you know us to judge swarthy game Hot Springs Arkansas happens to be a great tone hey Jamie dawn yeah it's good once it got there three lakes relays take that Minnesota jerk [Music] there's reason to the hot springs classic well no two guys have horses they race them up that's it all right what are you on vacation yes and have you been to Pasadena yet my daughter is here my brother lives in Pasadena so it's like we've got Pasadena Creighton well you see here's the thing I've been to Pasadena and I never saw any of you there well I noticed all three of you tonight in the audience because you're all wearing very bright colors and the reason I brought you because I thought is that what the girls are wearing the bright colors is that what it is for this season totally from Pasadena all the way to Hot Springs Wendy yes like I'd be crap at a daytime children I give a short like let's try medical problems then anyone got a anything dodgy how did you get that too much yelling I guess got my daughter he come to visit your daughter to yell her disappointment today how did you get your sore throat I said I don't know really I don't know maybe it's the small planes yeah yeah we're playing here yeah any of you girls have sore throats no no today Kelsey got her wisdom teeth fold a week ago though really yeah good drugs yeah yeah yeah I've never had my wisdom teeth pulled it hurts you know that's why I've never had it done I was gonna go to the dentist today actually didn't go I did see a guy you know oh yeah this is TV one of its these really easy this isn't it it's just like standing around want to throw to a commercial break anyway you're the center go ahead let's take a commercial break okay all right okay okay please state your name for the folks at home Patricia but you see you saying Patricia where are you from Burbank Burbank I seem to remember that Patricia used to come to the show a lot didn't you but I haven't seen you at the shore in a very long time Patricia that's true where have you been gone have you been working undercover good so Patricia if that is your real name do you like living in Burbank yes you know if it does a show in Burbank yes who your nemesis my name is nemesis okay how do you think this is the young and the rest [Music] me it's a cheeky monkey guy other people are on TV and yo you know he does a show yes who jay jay is not my nemesis he's somebody else's nemesis do nemesis was the goddess of a van Oh do you hold resentments Patricia no so for example if you used to come to a show a lot and then didn't come through the show over a long time that wouldn't be in any way based on ravine no all right do you ever go see Jay show no problem with that well you can you can go if you want I'm EJ here I'm do J Jason nice my tubular map no he's nice you don't pray well then you've missed me heavy I'll have a little bit right back everywhere looks like a commercial for the Republicans doesn't it [Music] [Applause] the narcs I'm only teasing all right when I tap you on the shoulder please state your name for the folks at home sir su Korea and Colin Colin you three relations in any way we are yes good are you from Australia I see all three of you which town in Australia the Gold Coast I see where the Pirates come from what they probably don't know is they get into terrible trouble with the Australian press only recently for saying some naughty things about the capital city of Australia Canberra I'd best not tell them about that have you ever been to Canberra it's the capital city of Australia in there yeah yeah yeah nice tile is it it is a good tune this is a good time what business are you in sir I trade trade what Cheers he's a banker from the gold curse a pirate so what are you doing in America are you three holidays holidays you've come to Z Hollywood no doubt yes are you a fan of any one small and singing Justin Bieber that kind of a thing or is that kind of behind you kind of behind yes to know that oh gosh anything this is the wrong time you don't bring your door apparently she's done anything and this is a really bad place to stay here for we've been here for weeks you've been here for a week that's correct have you seen anything exciting well how long are you here for when are you going back to Australia in two days time well luckily for you tomorrow night we were going to send you to us swanky Hollywood restaurant aren't we crazy it's called Craig's but it's nothing to do with me it's actually good as they've got yeah you enjoy our steaks in Australia no we do they've probably got them yeah right then I think we go through that with when you're back in Australia if you bump into anyone from Canberra please offer my apologies they'll know what you mean nice jacket dude if we're to get that jacket you got it you got it here because I invited you up to be on the show and then you had a t-shirt that had a logo on it we weren't allowed to show that logo and I said you could take your t-shirt off and you were like oh don't big dress the basement creepy man and then we gave you one of our short t-shirts to put on top but it's made of such cheap material that your logo actually shown through it so finally we gave you this jacket which you are allowed to keep until the first commercial break what's your name young feller Bobby Bobby where are you from Bobby from Canada Canada yes sir course you are yes surfer yes ma'am that's that why you came down to the California you got it can you do that thing with your hand no you see you are a surfer now here's a question I have for you you got long board or short board long board that's kind of retro isn't it I thought it was shortboard was all the craze now were these angry aggressive surfers of doing all the cutting all the time do you like a slow long careful that what we're saying absolutely yeah good for you young feller I like that do you like the do you like these cars that will get wood on the side oh oh again those cars you know you don't say their name on CBS who was Kuma's I thought that was a sexually attractive older woman no I was thinking of mixing a cougar with a puma that's a kuma this isn't bad to me yeah I never do it with a khumba I'm totally awkward if you make it awkward yes dude you may be my best friend we're we're busy from Canada niagara-on-the-lake is that what you learned to surf and I had a fall do you surf off the Agra Falls right there did you do that yes yeah that's right that's how you get the Kuma's young fellow it just goes to show you all the stereotypes about Canadians are not true I'd like to apologize would you like to apologize yeah one of them's true we'll be right back everybody [Applause] I'm terribly strong apparently a bomb terribly sorry everyone apparently Michael who works at the desk here was frightened when we showed an audience member or two on the stage without the audience being and freakish false applause so you we started clapping so that the audience felt obliged to clap along with please save that for the material ladies please take your names for the folks at home beginning here Sonia Morales Sonia Morales where are you from Sonia Salma California and Rosa sánchez I see where are you from Fresno Fresno hey Sanchez that's a Scottish name isn't it do you girls know each other yes what are you doing in Los Angeles we came to see you you're laughing so I know to lie it's a lie isn't it why are you here for then to go shopping Oh what do you were you buying you clothes and stuff shoes and pretty things yeah yeah yeah have you got anything you like yeah no hmm we came here instead [Laughter] hell you asked well it's free here and we've got free stuff I got some free stuff for you we got some chocolate dollars you can have a chocolate dollar each yeah when you go home that you went to Los Angeles you were in a creepy basement and a guy gave you a dollar [Music] something wrong with him tonight do you think I don't know I think so yeah does he seem like a little snippy dollar he wants to chocolate Oh see I think he's been fingering these do you think Jeff do they these dollars look fingers look like finger chocolate oh yeah sorry oh I said sorry to myself it's like I was a Canadian right there's five chocolate dollars here but your friends so you could probably share them right thanks think so there you are welcome to the big time [Music] [Applause] what are you doing had some downtime and I thought it'd come watch the show this is the show you can't watch it from being in it well I took advantage of my passes and I thought it'd be a fun angle to see the show we thought you would come here and plug your movie two nights in a row did you or did you doc no I just kind of thought coming oh I just thought like god I just thought I'd come and tell you the movies coming out tomorrow their movie or with the guys in the watch and they find aliens and they touch their fingers on balls in the movie that's the movie we're talking about I just you know the robot called me and said if I had some downtime that to come by and check out the show so I didn't know you guys knew each other Oh talk sometimes me and Jeff yeah we back yeah a good friend of mine it's good for you guys go away back he's an appliance he's a lot more than their planes I didn't know that what else do you do I'm a friend Craig I'm a friend why are you talking in that weird sort of Vince pawn way that's not really an impression of Vince Vaughn but kind of is a little bit know what you're talking about I'm just sitting here just doing my thing you know I do that even if he was my friend no he's a close friend and I didn't mean to step on any toes but he invited me to come to the show so I just finally invited you to cover show you stand on the bit where I do the show from because that would to me be an indication you can't really watch the show from like if you don't see a play Romeo and Juliet you go I'll put on a dress and star next to Romeo then you can't beat that you're in the play you're not wrong I just thought maybe I'd stand here and I just kind of hang out and just pretend I'm not here but go ahead and I'll just go ahead I can't do I can't do that yeah it's kind of freaking me out I'll try to speak let me just okay go ahead yeah emile hirsch is on the show tonight you know Emile Hirsch I'm not I just um pretend I'm not just watching the show I think he's looking at my ass [Laughter] makes me feel kind of good oh yeah no look in there I'm getting started I'll be right there just try and create some dramatic tension please state your name for the folks at home and yeah done yeah yes what are you from Danielle New Jersey New Jersey you say hey you don't look orange enough you must get sick of that New Jersey you guys all sick of it right now yeah all right so what are you working construction a joke it's a joke mafia under the mob oh you're in the Mafia apparently Jessie do you live in North Jersey are you agreeing to Carney yeah Tony's a great time isn't it it's wonderful you know that Carney that town was a whole carpet factory from Scotland all the people from Scotland moved to Carney in the 1950s that's true interesting from Mount Olive is it nice time it's beautiful you get a little less sudden your nose yeah you like it you see it's very small it just catches the eye it's like a little kind of wrinkled diamonds it yeah it's good did it hurt Conan yes yeah where did you get it hey don't see that war so what'd you do in LA I just moved here oh oh and what's your profession Daniel hopefully a teacher with this yeah all right what are you gonna teach a PE I I was just about to say you were sitting in the perfect seat in the house earlier [Applause] no judgment all love no judgment all up so good baby it's all good so um you've been a Lilith Fair nope it's good oh my god really are you having a nice time in LA yeah it's great Ryan yeah some crazy stuff happens here don't me tell you sure I live super close to the beach so you know alright so yeah and I look over and some guy is really happy to see me on the beach get it oh yeah it was not as bad looking as an Olympic thing that thing's bad hey that hasn't happened yet yeah you seem to be having trouble with the space-time continuum you're making a callback to a joke which has not yet occurred in the morning I think it's very talented of you to make a joke or in the future my friends jealous your friends are jealous and they wish I could do that all right and go back there welcome to the Late Late Show weight loss edition [Applause] gentlemen when I tap you on the shoulder please say your name for the folks at home Janssen Janssen Charlotte Janssen and Charlie have you ever met before nope no really now come on you know each other don't you know you're doing that thing in anyway you're both wearing horizontal stripes which i think is the confidence of the thinner gentleman I you know when I was your age where'd you 25 and what did you eighteen right what is that okay oh that's only if we give them booze okay fine you can have any booze you can get drunk off your ass I'll leave some ID yeah anyway here's the thing when I was a younger fella I was then too but I've noticed as I got older port leanness has crept in I've grown some kind of fleshy vest and because I'm also hurtling towards my dotage I can't really remember what kept me thin now what is your being thin secrets gentlemen a lots of junk food lots of junk food you don't buy junk food do you mean methamphetamine no don't don't take drugs good don't take drugs I'm serious don't don't I mean don't I don't think you should but uh but look I'm not your dad you know so CBS cares anyway what are you doing in California I live here now no way it's kind of a big deal yeah what part of California delivered Northridge Northridge where they had the earthquake yeah I wasn't here for it okay did you repeat Tina I think it was about 18 years ago [Applause] [Music] you live in Norwich - coincidentally yes yes yeah do what are you doing for a living all right thank you fair enough you're 18 what do you do for learn go to college to do what I don't how it makes me believe you actually are a con well this has been great he the problem is even though I'm wearing a black suit I still look the fattest quit right back everybody whoever ever tonight's password is turquoise [Music] all right please state your name for the folks at home would you Janet Janet and you'd like the chance to win tonight this chocolate dollar oh that's why I came all right well uh we can get your freshman cuz I fingered this all right Janet now I'll have to ask you a few questions to see if you're eligible for the chocolate dollar first question where are you from Virginia correct now in the state of Virginia is it still legal to molest a sheep I don't believe so correct also that's why I never go now Janet let me ask you another thing what do you do for a living I'm a retired magician [Music] wait do you think one you don't know if she's any good really no magicians could retire but why did you retire did you become disillusioned with the art of country tired of the chickens and your parents yes but really is it what you just bored with it no no my husband had many interesting things to do and now he's always booked ahead so I see stop a little yeah yeah I can do things with him [Music] so I couldn't tempt you into more magic good did you they can make it disappear [Music] you don't want to even want to do that a fingered it we yeah you are you carrying any magic on you right now no by that I mean drugs no I do have a hair with me you have a hair oh I can see why you retired now names that joke is that job anyway so Janet here's the thing you have answered all of my questions correctly plus you surprised me a bit so not only you want to win the chocolate dollar which I've fingered but we have some just stay there Johnny do a trick the fella in time would you I'm just getting some more chocolate dollars quick pull something out of your pants or something it's alright I'm back take that Penn & Teller do you like Penn & Teller new I like the one that doesn't speak which doesn't it silent one powerful tail yeah yeah no no they're terribly good so these are coins wait these are chocolate dollars with look at JFK on and they are from the Kennedy administration so you might want to be careful with those you know how you can tell when they knew uh-huh it's not a mint [Applause] [Laughter] please state your name for the folks at home David Robinson David Robinson where are you from David England hmm which part of England err Portsmouth Portsmouth that's in the south yeah what are you doing here in California I'm seeing you actually at this very second I mean what you do it why did you come to California and as well are you really wait don't get his hopes up so that's why you came to California to go to Disneyland yeah I guess uh-huh and somehow you ended up here yeah your teeth are really good for a British guy yes they are looking mighty through a bit let me see your teeth are fine yeah no no there's a few had work done since you've been in California yeah absolutely yeah because your teeth are clean yeah hygiene thing in all of America now it's the whole thing do you judge people from the quality of their teeth is that what you're saying well no it's just Americans is really noticeable when you get off the plane is it there's like it's noticeable the other way too when you go back to Britain you're like Grogan it's Dickens it's a slang word I'm trying to make them feel at home so how long you here for - next Tuesday all right you in a band yeah of course yeah you got the jacket for being in a band that's how I could tell in a band from the past no you've got a hairy chest though I can't help but know it's cuz I'm pale like it's not that hairy I've done already no it's pretty hairy alrights not that hairy well there you go well you won't be pale for long if you stay here too long no no what are you doing your band what do you you singer I play harmonica wait there [Applause] [Music] you know if you can play this you're gonna leave here with an awesome golden harmonica is that Willy if you could play this so I've gone in my back and I use one of my back because this one's kind of giant alright so we got we got a great show coming up for you tonight we have people from show business ready yes okay [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I know what you're thinking you figured wait a minute does that blokes put on the show before where should I begin shop David Robinson type rubbish and you from England oh yeah yeah [Applause] the show last night you had to go now Monica - you shot I did he want to go [Music] he could play the blues on our body and that were you thinking wait a minute this is just another example of praise people stealin American music and making it why I'd make it wait when did that happen oh let me see Patos Rolling Stones Led Zeppelin no support page well you're probably faintness these English blokes tune over here in America right they probably think that Roy David yeah they could be yeah are you looking at my ass well you don't really have one you've really got very Californian anyway here's the thing the reason why we're all win is because we rented our houses to Americans for the Olympics that's right bro who did you read your apps - well I'm in here no one's anyway yeah yeah come here come here give me boy tell you a secret okay closer closer you're gonna yell closer don't ever touch my [Laughter] please state your name for the folks at home when I tap you on the shoulder Chelsea Chelsea Justin Justin have you kids ever met before no no no you haven't well you know why you're here don't you I think you look great together [Applause] I'll tell you why Chelsea because you remind me of that Disney princess from the film brave which came out about a month ago and made up a trillion dollars at the box and I and I like the convenience that here you got here of not bothering with the tie and sharp but having the t-shirt with the tuxedo on it thank you I was looking for a suit that looked like a t-shirt is that one of them vintage tshirts oh yeah oh yeah top-of-the-line are you impressed extremely sometimes I feel the kids are playing me luckily they don't know about my internal dialogue they can't hear me only you can hear that's because you're lucky enough to be crazy [Laughter] probably shouldn't talk like that the night Stephen King son Oh Stephen King fans are like yeah anyway I think you guys look great and I'd like to set you up on a date you okay with that that not you first no not you first Justin this is Chelsea's decision are you are okay with it yes sir are you in a relationship at all no what about you I am don't look disappointed me I am with anyone who's here no it's just dinner it's just dinner to be friends can't hurt right do we have anywhere we could send the kids to dinner don't wear the IV you ever heard of the IV that's a big fancy showbiz restaurant people go there and have affairs I could wear this now you your bear dress that are you being ironic with this is that this is a hipster thing it's a hipster thing let me check your jeans skinny jeans I wore a tuxedo shirts before they were cool dude they're not cool now so here's the experiment I would like to try I would like to try you to going for dinner also I'd like to try walking like this for a while go for dinner at the ivy Seabreeze lake and come back and then we'll film you separately and see if you liked each other and that's no way for legal reasons like blind date [Laughter] VPC can do and they take the big brother and then just call it something else and put it on ABC we can do this uber right back out please state your name for the folks at home Rebecca Rebecca Rebecca what Tucker Rebecca Tucker so Rebecca Tucker do you work here is CBS I do what do you do I work for you what do you do the I'm the president of your production company [Music] that the Bank of Sam's mean like one of them highfalutin Hollywood titles is that correct Rebecca it's better than my old title the exactly what was your old title assistant Rebecca you did such a great job that you became the president at the company you like that guy that did that thing with the Hair Club for Men you know do you really hate being on TV don't you yeah I've avoided it for 40 years yeah what Rebecca doesn't know is that I am now scared of what she'll do to me during them see this simpering kind of frightened girl my secret is I'm a flatulent over and that's not much of a secret this is the last show in this Judy I'm going to tell you a story of what happened once once when about maybe a couple of months ago this is my memory of this Judy I'll take away Rebecca come into my dressing room one day and said it smells like farts in here and I was doing fun let me get rid of it I use took a tub of a baby powder and tried to sprinkle it into the air to absorb the smell didn't work didn't work it's about like a farty baby Stella worked out in the end you became head of the company it's not very big company it's just me know you ain't the boss until the commercials come on I'm holding as long we were right back [Laughter] please state your name and what you do at the show after 3 1 2 3 [Music] [Music] these people here these people here we all work on the show together these people here are like family to me which means I ignore them and they ask me for money but we've been working together for you know that you know what this is like as if if CBS had been told to put together the cover for the sergeant pepper's album [Music] now they think I have asked them to come out for one last little bit in the old studio and I have I have I want you everybody take a good look and we have digital technology many of you will be able to freeze frame and find your favorite personality who works on the show and look at them but more importantly it's the deal I made with the IRS all these people are about to get audited all right I'm gonna stay quiet and you tell me which ones are looking at my ass oh well see when we come back everybody good eye [Applause] [Music] I just have to give him a little pep talk before we start all right lesbian rule your job tonight is to look attractive and lesbian a in a sort of male fantasy way oh well idea of lesbian rule is not necessarily that you you know well you know you don't have to do anything just you know it sit there look attractive and men will project their idiotic fantasies onto what's going on you'll be great now gene you'll be playing the part of guy picked from the studio audience I'll walk up and down and say gene what do you do for a living and you'll say nothing we have to say something retired oh you retired from law transportation ooh la la y so we got a white guy and we got lesbian ro and then at a certain point I will probably say who's that at the door at that point you will hear a doorbell ring and then an amazingly funny pantomime horse will come out of there run across and run back we'll dance along with the pilot my horse and the folks at home will definitely think it's time to get cable you guys ready for this ready okay I'm counting on you lesbian row and cosa nostra don't laughing that much when I say it's like all right ready who's that at the door [Music] [Applause] [Applause] she got leg when I walk by you and tap you on the shoulder please state your name for the folks at home Jeff and you and user Wes you to relates it in any way no no I can't help but notice you have a similar facial preferences correct what do you do for a living I'm a graphic designer you surprised me and you sir forklift driver actually that does kind of surprised me a little bit what do you lift with your forklift then do you just go from town to town solving cranes and lifting things up not exactly not you're not from America originally are you'd rather Australia you say yeah I got in a little trouble with Australia fairly recently so graphic design a yeah not a lot of shaving involved in that hi do you fight I see every time I try and grew a beard it just grows from here and I don't get enough of it going around here does it take longer to grow a beard around here just genetics I guess are you saying I am a genetically inferior to you cuz I'm prepared to accept that maybe above the lip but I am I I have a very weak upper lip hair that listen I always think when I see a gentleman with hair on his face like this side I think to myself well that's obviously what his pubic hair is like is that no no not for you what this is this is long this is really low but I don't mean the I don't mean the actual looks get could I join the back to do what we call this Katie Holmes [Applause] please state your name for the folks at home Pam what what pam pam oh your sweetie oh well that would explain it then I enjoy your healthy spray products when I'm frying now a Pam if I may call you that what do you do for a living a nurse a nurse yes all right so you're used to dealing with injuries oh yeah right okay well here's a problem here's what I'm today this is a real thing really happened I walked into Michael's office over there right I walked into his office and I banged my knee on the way out it was really sore and I went oh I knew what his first reaction was I will know demonstrate it to you that was like no that would make him a psychopath wouldn't it halfway halfway so I think you need some psychopath music anyway that's enough freaking me out so can I show you my knee it's do I have to pay you or do you have healthcare in Sweden yeah we have all right then so ever look at this free healthcare does that look injured to you and anyone that looks bruised wait a minute no that sucks wait a minute wait wait wait I contagious are you really a nurse yeah what kind of a cardiac nurse car do you work only with the heart yep our nurse of the heart you know there's people that need Pam more than me thanks Pam but I don't want to waste your time Wow shut up it's an American slang thing yeah well we hope you enjoy your time here in America yeah you don't have to do I have to do any are you working on anyone's heart here no no no holidays Las Vegas next oh well I hope the meet you meet the prince of your dreams you know I mean I might be what what you know me a princess or I'd be like a prince oh yes [Laughter] we go you got a free dinner where we gonna send them we're gonna send you to Wolfgang Puck's restaurant here ion on him he's gonna pay for it Bob everybody we'll be right back nah I feel bad about myself where is that Greek well I did something naughty what did you do well I do you know the Scottish lesbians if we're on the show hmm well I don't know they're really lesbians did you start and lesbian row but they don't know they're from out of town you've tricked these people oh but one of them called me scum nothing nothing wrong with that well here's the thing I kind of liked it does that make me twisted and weird no it makes you perfect for this show you [Applause]

Channel: The Jayleno Fly

Views: 696,666

Keywords: クレイグと女の子の女性, craig ferguson, craig ferguson and the ladies, flirting masterclass, funny late night, best talkshow, funny talkshow, talkshow compilation, talkshow moments, flirt talkshow, geoff the robot, the jayleno fly, funny moments, super happy fun time hour with robot and old man, craig ferguson the audience, craig ferguson cold open audience member, cold open the late late show, cold open craig ferguson, send you restaurant craig ferguson, restaurant, 2012 edition vol 3

Id: 6aAa8M4vg2k

Length: 77min 47sec (4667 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 16 2017