David So & The Gun | TigerBelly 272

foreign i'm in a mood today huh i'm in a mood right now am i not right five four three two one blastoff welcome to another one welcome welcome welcome welcome to another welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome to another welcome welcome welcome to another welcome welcome welcome welcome to another episode of tiger tiger belly another epic episode of tiger tiger belly we've got george in the room right now going all right with his thumbs up yeah we've got kalila in the room right now with her pits all moist like this ocean sea native deodorant we've got flat face gilbert over there being all two-dimensional we've got skinny fat skinny fat as a guest he used to be fat now he does kung fu and he sees i see him on the instagram doing his kung fu and it makes me laugh because there's no way he can beat anybody up wow he's boxing it it makes me laugh and it is a skill that will never come into fruition you can i understand that but you have to understand this that i'm 50. if you can't beat up a 50 year old man then you've got a [ __ ] problem getting the focus i i just looked at your ball sack right now i know you're hot i know and they're delicious and let me say something right now a lot of protein in my sacs okay and let me tell you another thing friend all right you have [ __ ] um yoda eyes have you noticed his eyes look like yoda like like reverse almonds yes ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen boys and girls everyone take a look everyone take a look let's um introduce our guest right now we have we haven't had him in a very long time okay we haven't had him in this new house have we no no um his last name skips me but his name is david so i think david sewed his name all right and let me say this all right um he's not wearing any socks his ankles are showing because that's what kung fu people do or they're always barefoot or showing off their [ __ ] muscular feet so they can smash you with it you know but he's a very funny young man um he's korean bites he's a very friendly i'm a man he's broke right now yeah um he is um uh very i'm intimidated by his skill level i guess some would say probably not if i really think about it um he um i really do respect him i respect the youth you know sherry cola specter aquafina respect it you know he's young wanda sykes no um helen hong assistant wanda i know not the same it's not the same i understand that and you know what's great about being me i can make mistakes and i'm not going to judge myself all right but we've got david i can't okay we've got david so give him a round of applause thank you okay welcome to the podcast my friend this is awesome man yeah thank you so different from the last place it's professional i like the legit cameras now instead of the gopros on vacuums if i know that [ __ ] was trash dude this is tight i like it well you never said it at the time though huh oh i refuse to i respect you too much oh wow is that what it is so right now there's probably things that you're thinking right that you're judging about that you you don't want to say until i get a bigger house i don't even own a home i'm not i can't judge you you live in an apartment i live in a condo yeah condos are great though what you say it makes me feel like [ __ ] the condoms you know you're really close to your neighbors you look great you look you lost weight man everyone stopped telling him that because he has not i have no oh really he looks like he lost some weight he got in wave fatter did you oh yeah the last time i saw you look like [ __ ] though but you look pretty good right now oh like last time you looked i don't know you haven't seen him in a while i don't think no he did lose some weight though from the last time that i think it's the high-waisted the highway the moment he releases it just all spills out yeah yeah i i think i've gained some right um i i think your peak was like three weeks ago where i was like oh my god i've lost from three weeks a little bit because you've been trying to you know keep away from the pizzas yeah well i haven't had pizza yeah yeah well it shows how much do you weigh right now i don't have a scale but um i would assume that i weigh about 170. 170. yeah how much do you weigh what are you like five foot eight he's five four why four yeah well you have a big personality that's what it is that's what it is yeah five four yeah i exude five eight five nine my personality and the energy that i give you for sure but i'm really like more um peter dinklage you're five foot four i would have never guessed i thought you were a lot taller thank you that's really nice that's nuts yeah um i've never really been you wait can you show them the picture next to um on nbc oh the uh the game game show the game on i want you to see in case you don't believe he's 5'4 i got to see that okay perspective here is a visual of who are you sitting i'm going to show you the image from the other day yeah but gronk doesn't seem that much taller than me oh really okay we'll ask david's opinion i want to see this yeah yeah so here is the cbs's game on with the full cast abs abc are you that little girl on the right oh my god you man i thought that was sherry cola dude yeah yeah i'm little you know what i mean how tall are they like five eight well well grog gronk is an athlete he plays for the patriots where does he play tampa bay buccaneers it's very deceptive like when i see you you look like you're a lot taller it has to do with your personality 100 oh you know it also has to do with my friend i'm well proportioned let me defend it okay hold on a second i'm your legs are barely touching the floor right now yeah i understand that my legs everything's small but not you know i don't have um you have a lot of dwarf features all right i don't like the pause okay now be honest with me my friend all right you have if you had never met me before you didn't know who i was right and you saw a photo from head to toe of me would you think that i was a dwarf i think you would have down syndrome you're [ __ ] rude dude you're yeah yeah you know korean people like our bodies we're we're top heavy like we have long torsos and shorter legs we have short thudi yeah yeah you have short daddy you are not proportioned correctly like for korean i am though for a korean yes that's all i'm saying man i'm not saying for an african-american man am i well proportioned no i want you to say black for a black person oh there it is what i mean or or latinx he's trying to flex what's up and woke it baby yeah raise the roof i like the transition yeah thank you thank you i can also crank oh crump not crump what's the thing where you can jiggle your ass twerk work show us no oh you are my back hurts my backwards right you know what everybody says about you to me when when people find out your age they always think that you're at least 10 years younger thank you that's another compliment dye your hair no well no i still ha i i'm letting the white show mm-hmm i'm emulating the white show i don't see any white hair he has that if you look closer there is you know what i mean but um how old are you now i'm 32. god it's so young oh my god wait claire how old are you thirty-five six well by the time this airs i'll be 36. yeah oh what the [ __ ] you're not that why'd you make it sound like you're so much older than me 48. you went oh baby how old are you 33 32 and a half yeah i can't believe you're 30 you honestly i you look like you're in your 20s when i look at you and you're sleeping yeah and i'm masturbating next to you please be 21. yeah yeah when i go when you're sleeping 19 aren't you yeah and i jerk on a couch do you like me better without with or without makeup i you what people you know i am very i'm that's why i'm going wait we you i i very well technically you know all the vowels yeah i'll tell you this um get in the pandemic no just let me let me have my [ __ ] because i haven't worn makeup in it like i might do it like once a week let me have my sale he sees me ala fresco you know what you should have said right now what you should have been like well you're wearing makeup right now aren't you and she goes no i'm not and you're like i would have never known but she is wearing makeup yeah are you oh [ __ ] that's why it backfired yeah it backfired right my bad so i thought on that excuse me so um in the pandemic um i've never been around a person so much in my life oh that's tough huh well no i just you know in all my life i've just been pretty much a loner you know i don't even when i had roommates back in the day you know in my 20s i never saw my roommates and if they were like hey we're all in the living room and we're watching the game right i'll be like skateboarding to a coffee shop i like i don't do it right and so i've never even when i was growing up in my own home right i would do everything i could avoid to my parents and my brother i really never saw them but with kalila i i'm just with her 24 7. right hard on you huh no i love it um here's here's the number one reason why um i know it's good with me and kalila is is that no matter how long i'm with somebody i have a problem sleeping next to them okay but with kalila i sleep like a baby i don't it's not there's no awareness that she's there because you're staring at her masturbating at night while you sleep so easy i'm not there i'm not so uncomfortable i'm in another world i'm so comfortable with her that i can sleep like a meeting but you didn't answer the whole makeup i am i'm going to i'm going to get there right around about weight i feel frightened no i'm just trying to figure out what to say that's why i'm going these other directions look i already know what i look like i love her feet okay yes your feet have makeup here's what it is yeah when i i see her with no makeup all the time so when she is working wearing makeup i can scares you no it doesn't scare me but i i'm aware of it right there's a difference there's a there is a difference and um i always think she's beautiful but when i when she wears makeup it's like oh she's like a top like the 10 a 10. this answer could have been three seconds no i don't know i don't know it sounds like you're in court right now um so pretty with makeup yes or no she's beautiful with makeup without beautiful actually in a different way oh what did you have to say i without makeup you like the way like my mom loves me without makeup makeup because she says i look like her fat little baby like that she remembered me when i was a young girl like round and like chubby that she because without makeup you know there's no contouring or anything and my face is just are you somebody that that can't walk outside without putting makeup on oh no these guys know i don't give a [ __ ] i never put makeup on unless it's a podcast or something yeah i don't i have no problems whatsoever living my life ugly okay all right that's actually correct guild yeah sometimes he's like you could spruce up we're going to this place i like no this is what you get who says that gilbert he was like hey can you maybe yeah and i'm like i don't give a [ __ ] and he said can you maybe put on something else i'm like nope are you walking out naked what is going on chubby face baby which one the one on the left yeah left that doesn't even look like it looks like a white girl oh really she transitioned yeah but have i have a baby have i i've never said go wear makeup ever no and and i've never done that and even i've never even told you what to wear correct are you satisfied with the way he looks um i would be if he was uh if i knew quicker you son of a [ __ ] be fast are you satisfied with military jeggings are you are you okay with this name are you okay with this um honestly i'm not a big fan of the high-waisted things on him um but i do like crosstalk speaking eastern it's an attack you look so sick right now yeah you have the ankles of a woman dude it's beautiful yeah i'm femme i'm very feminine he has a thing against cankles too like if you have cankles he will not be your friend yeah why no i just need um a separation between church and state i can't have it blend you know so um there needs to be a separation from my for me i have to know where the the foot begins and where the ankle ends um yeah where the calf ends whatever how long have you two been together uh we're seven this is our eighth into our eighth year but we're going into our eighth year oh wow so has he physically changed a lot in those eight years or is he related he was real like uh you know he always had like weird proportions like you said but that's not what he says though he's like i'm perfect it has nothing to do with his torsos i think that he has like comically short arms like he has nothing don't laugh at that that's [ __ ] rude it's just your sleeves are so short is that why you cut your sleeves because your short arms but then i also have comically like i'm a knuckle dragger i have comically long arms yeah yeah so hopefully if we ever decide to have children they'll meet somewhere in the middle yeah like i have a wingspan like i'm five eight my my wingspan's like six feet oh deep and my sister is six feet and her wingspan's six five like she has a lebron wingspan he also has like when i hug her from behind it's like oh is this michael phelps yes she has like michael phelps shoulders yeah so i have to go oh hello sir that's how i know like he's like sexually fluid because i think that he likes girls with either like really prominently like long chins yeah like abraham lincoln or wide shoulders i don't even think you need to go that deep like the the dick sucking thing is not the thing that got you first like i'm so confused you completely ignored that he sucks and he's like that's not what i think he's saying like not the dick sucking thing i think that he thinks of me as like a hot bro okay you know what i mean that's where i was going with that no that is interesting that you say that always small he loves small titties like the flatter the better what yeah i love small titties well i'm not a big tick guy either yeah yeah i don't i like it when it's just like little speed bumps yeah i mean when you're driving down the road right when you're driving down the road right and you see if you if there was like a mountain in front of you that'd be difficult right cars broken cars broke broken but i like the little speed bumps right i also like um small titties you know because um they're just cute to me what about the size of the clitoris large no it's got to be small oh okay but it's going to get big if it gets engorged oh no when it grows in front of me that's called science and i enjoy it i mean i love the magic of science i'm not i'm el natural in that way right i love how everything works together right but i don't like you know we've talked about this before but you know the vag to me she has the perfect vagina oh and and for me sometimes vaginas have been deal breakers what's so really weird yeah and that's so shallow wait why why why why because it's like i've never met a man besides you who like cared about the anatomy or like the aesthetics of a vagina like [ __ ] you should appreciate that it's even like bare in front of you and that it's like available to you she just called you a piece of [ __ ] you're lucky to even see this thing no no [ __ ] look at this whenever i've seen any vagina in front of me yeah i pulled out my [ __ ] napkin okay put it on my [ __ ] shirt oh pulled out my utensils that was crap and i went to [ __ ] work i will eat it okay good but i'm just saying he was thinking about vaginas and when i think of vaginas wait what's that deal-breaker [ __ ] to you like what's it look like jazz hands okay okay you know i don't like um i don't need to be in a 1950 showroom so right like i'm in the money i'm in the money yeah i don't need a hand you know yeah yeah i don't like it you know what i mean i don't like it if you can fly so no dumbbells yeah yeah i you know i mean is this going to fly away i don't like that right girls girls get what labiaplasty is that what that's called or yeah i like it when it's like tucked a little bit and no offense anyone listening right now discrimination to each zone is it massage yeah i think so it is because it's like we can't help what we're doing that's fine okay let's i've seen i've heard women say small penises yeah i've seen women say i liked him a lot he was a good guy he was a doctor he was a nice guy good heart but his dick looked like a [ __ ] [ __ ] and i couldn't get into it but that's a micro penis though that's extreme that's i really love strength i'll take a man for his micros you'll take a micro penis oh my god yeah if he was if he ate [ __ ] like a champion all day long there's so many other things we could do if he he has all the marks in the criteria if he had all the marks and he was just a good guy like amazing [ __ ] yeah i'll suck the dick out of your micropin well of course because it's not much work you have no you see you have no you have no that's what it sounds like when you say the microphone i literally just said i'll suck the dick out of that microphone that's funny that's [ __ ] what if you sucked hard enough and a bigger dick came out that was just it was an iceberg it was just hiding yeah it was just like like it was stuck inside him you could open it you don't practice yeah yeah wow the [ __ ] logo is your face like this have you guys actually seen a micro penis before i have i i saw it for the first time uh like a couple of months ago because i didn't know what a micro penis was yeah it was on like on the howard stern show and oh i saw that one too yeah somebody sent me a clip and it was just the got like guys lined up and a microphone literally this [ __ ] small you can't do nothing with it yeah it's pretty [ __ ] up if there's no surgical thing you can do i mean you can i mean what that guy did remember when he just kept injecting silicone into his dick until it was just a giant round blob like a bowling ball oh no i i was at a comedy door i was at a comedy store and this guy came up to me i didn't know who he was he goes i got surgery done on my dick that's a weird thing to say because why would he come up to you i don't know why it was just as open as i heard this video i heard this guy and i go and i you know like annie if anyone got that question you would kind of like it's uncomfortable so i what i did was i said oh okay you know i mean i didn't know what to say you know i mean i i had a lady i used to mess around with and she broke up with her uh then husband because of his penis yeah but see that's unfair you already married him no way well maybe he couldn't do what everything else that he needed to do well didn't you have the trial period of engagement to figure that out lady are you yelling at me what do you do because you associate with somebody like no but that's different though she how she showed me to like the size of his dick i remember this [ __ ] because we were at a starbucks and she had the starbucks cup yeah and she was like oh my husband you know he has a really small penis i didn't know it was called a micro penis at the time and i was like well don't [ __ ] roast the guy because you guys aren't going through great [ __ ] she goes no it's really small so she had the starbucks cup and i said show me off with i'm going to go down and i'm going to say stop yeah and it basically disappeared into the cupboard to go there that's how big it is and i was shocked but yeah they lo and behold i guess because the sex wasn't good and that was something that she that bothered her they got i mean it's true i mean she has a right to change her mind but like a little heads up maybe a little before like hey i want to get married and all like but like [ __ ] up your game in all other respects because i have a problem with the size of your dick anyway i i know i saw the guy's dick what do you mean the guy at the comedy oh that story yeah this whole time he was awake he showed it to you i asked to see it okay okay yeah yeah yeah he is fluid yeah yeah it looked like a hammer like a hammerhead shark like a hammerhead shark yeah like this it was like it went like this and then like huge mushroom yeah like like it was like a hammer oh wow right and i go it looks weird and he goes but it does the job women love it i don't understand what he might be because of the girth though right because if it's like this that's weird i think he asked for growth and they gave him an extra girth i don't yeah but it you know for him he's very happy with that hey guys we're gonna take a really quick break to share some of our favorite sponsors with you quick quick quick when your teeth needs to be good yeah you guys um i uh honestly i i i'm missing a lot of my teeth and and if i had quip in my 20s and 30s right i would have all of my teeth quip makes me feel excited to brush my teeth wow it's a cute mechanism right it vibrates the vibrations doesn't hurt my feet but of teeth but it feels like um it's getting into all the crevices yeah and i love the taste of the toothpaste as well when it comes to it right i brush my teeth [ __ ] two times a day now because of quip when's the last time you got rewarded for brushing your teeth never exactly with quipp's new smart electric toothbrush good habits can earn you great perks like free products gift cards etc yeah et cetera et cetera et cetera part is exciting you can earn daily points for brushing two minutes twice a day so you've earned all your points yeah the quip smart brush which is what i have connects to the quip app brush with bluetooth did you know that no track when and how well you brush get tips and coaching to improve your habits each earn points for daily brushing and bonus points completing for challenges like streaks oh by the way they have the smart electric 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g-e-t-q-u-i-p dot com slash belly quip better oral health made simple and rewarding enjoy the rest of the show are you particular about uh a nipple nipples and stuff i've never you know i've seen here's here's my thing about nipples okay you got a whole dissertation on it yeah here's my theory yeah i need to see a wall there needs to be a wall between mexico and united states i need a border everything's so political yeah recently she had that leaked hit that came out right and then people were making fun of her because of her areola size which i thought was really weird because it sounded like a bunch of dudes who have never had sex before yeah that's just because you know that that areola and tits it's all different yeah but i like that but i don't like it when it blends into the brush he is weird about colors yeah any colors are big because some girls have very very light light pink and to the point where it blends in with the rest of the that's how i know i'm um for sure half white if i was ever going through an identity crisis my nipples prove that you have like you have light nipples i have like kind of like darker pink like i don't have like my mom's my i'm jealous of dark nipples i love dark nipples if you get pregnant you'll get dark nipples yes yeah can't wait for it i saw my friend's nipple and i was like oh my god it's charcoal i don't know do guys i don't know if guys prefer darker or lighter nipples i'm not sure if that's a preference my dick is too dark you like it dark my tick is too dark your dick i'm sorry yeah what do you mean it's so dark and um i i like it like mood wise or color what's going on it's a sith lord okay yeah it was a dark cape and a mask no it um it just is a dark it's a dark creature right when you look at it i don't think so at all if you just look at the that rain you also have to understand like i've been with men from all colors of the rainbow my ex was black so you can't tell me that your dick is dark so now i know now i know uh i get it so yeah um but i want to bleach it no you can't bleach the tip of your dick it's not on a tip oh just the whole thing yeah this the stem of it i want to bleach it a little bit why would you say because women literally don't stop to think about the color they put a white stripper on at once you put a teeth whitening strip a crest i sort of got i did but they took one of your white strips and i wrapped it around it and then that's why it's dark that's why i even know i kept it around it for like maybe 15 minutes and it started burning like crazy no you have like echo pigmentation yeah and so i took it off and i go i don't think that's the way but the dick is supposed to be darker than every other part of your body though why it just is like your dick is darker than your stomach or some [ __ ] it's the one area that doesn't see the sunlight though no science over there i don't i don't know why either but it's always darker yeah it is is your dick dark compared to the to my [ __ ] marshmallow stomach yeah yeah that's true yeah probably yeah same as my labia it's darker okay you're the one who says like you know all asian chicks have purple vaginas including me and i'm proud of them my very first girlfriend not at all she had like no lips at all whatsoever and she was asian the yeah the outer labia area yeah you've never you've only dated asians right no you've had some white white girls are interesting you've had them well so here's the thing right so i lost my virginity when i was 18 right so when you kind of have sex with this one girl that you wanted to have sex with your whole life and at that time i didn't really watch much porn either so we got like the 56k modem she would take forever so i it was it wasn't by choice so this i based what i thought every naked woman would look like off of her and when you started hooking up with different people it's like oh everybody's just a little bit different so you know it it all depends really yeah i've literally never been with somebody and thought hmm his physicality or anything about him is a deal breaker like if i'm horny and i want to have sex she's with me i [ __ ] let's do it i don't care you know what i don't care what it what color it is let's just [ __ ] do it yeah that's what i like about you what that is because i i because sometimes you and i stand in the mirror together and we look at each other right and why are you guys standing in front of a mirror and looking at each other what is the situation wake up in the morning no she'll be like doing her makeup or washing her face or something he always like creeps and i'll creep right and i'll put my arm around and we'll look in the mirror at least i will look in the mirror to compare the species right and i i'm shocked to see right it just doesn't look right to me do you feel like you're not good enough for her i i think that she and let's be honest okay and i want to be real with you yeah right i there are times where i think that um you know maybe you know you were built you know i mean just physically for a more muscular kind of a guy because because of my broad shoulders yeah you know and i'm like kind of um no muscles fat right small but you wouldn't you weren't like that before though that's right you made yourself that athlete he was a tennis player he knows how to heat there's nobody cares about that you were arrested he played hockey yeah he did nestle in the count um but he's super limber and for a 50 year old guy he's way more agile than me in some respects like he can like tumble and do [ __ ] like i can't do the comics at the comedy store you know it just reminds me yeah whenever i would say i played hockey or i played tennis or wrestled right everyone would be like [ __ ] you you never did any of those things so i remember having to go and get going home to phoenix and getting photos bring them back to the store and proving it to people i i believe it though you do yeah you don't have to do any of that stuff i know but i had to do it back then really yeah i had to just [ __ ] them up on site and wrestle them to the floor you could have no because when ari shafir beat me up you let ari shafir beat you up oh yeah real bad isn't ari should feel like 110 pounds yeah real bad oh you you just lost your asian well he's 6'4 it doesn't matter most of his weight is in his nose i know i know so he that is true i've never thought about that yeah come to think of it he doesn't really have shoulders either nothing yeah yeah yeah it's all nice if you hugged him he would just go straight down there's nothing to grab onto yeah well he hit me from behind oh he cheap shot at you yeah and then he kicked me in the face 50 times while i was down wait what did you do it's a long story that's a long story it involves a girl in a broken heart yeah a girl no i had nothing to do with it oh okay i was completely innocent but um i wouldn't say completely innocent there was some weebly there was some weasley activity but not i don't think you intended to really hurt him um anyway um i'll send you the pod yeah that's the place in the podcast i'm just listening to that there were some feelings that came to the surface and i was suppressing them do you want me should we go jump him no we're good now oh okay we're really good now but when he beat me up i remember afterwards driving home with my face all beat up and bleeding i can't believe anybody would punch you in the face i've been beat up a lot and uh and there are still people i can name you four people right now that you know you know it actually makes me mad that somebody would put their [ __ ] hands on you i'm actually getting riled up thank you who the [ __ ] would hit you there's four people that give me those [ __ ] names [ __ ] out of me and i know other people that could beat them up yeah i know that not me specifically yeah absolutely not well so if you and i were let's say you and i were at a movie together yes okay and another comic who and punches me from behind yeah right what would you do i [ __ ] in his [ __ ] mouth is he nuts what is wrong with him you would punch him well i honestly this is what it is right i've seen you growing up since i was a kid so i have this weird emotional attachment to you thank you if somebody puts their hands on you in front of me yeah i'm [ __ ] calling the cops yeah i will how big is this guy wait wait wait wait stop stop it's starting hey [ __ ] hold on wait hold on you'll call the [ __ ] cops well how large is this man he's five five oh then i'm stalking him in the face immediately all right i thought he's i'm not saying i'm not saying like kimbo slice is gonna [ __ ] you know oh if kimbo slice is there and if he comes back from the dead all right but i'm not saying it's like you know couture i'm just saying that it's like you know there's other korean comics there's a couple right that are you give me names that have physically assaulted in their mouth just look around the room bro yeah there are some photos that are on here with some people right oh [ __ ] all right well oh you know kevin shea i'll just say it right kevin shay hit you you no he pushed me at the at the improv once you know i you're a wrestler you could take people down if you i know but i don't wanna here my here's my thing is that i do have what my brother have that my dad has which is this rage are you afraid to unlock that [ __ ] yeah and i'm afraid to go there you know and it's like so i just let it slide because i don't want to be like my dad at all you know so it's like you know when i my brother will get there and then he stays blind into this rage for many last night he did it well you guys playing warzone oh my god he said something to me i if i bring it up i can't don't don't yeah i'm not gonna bring it up but um do you play video games i don't play video games why because i might end up like you in the sense of anger very good switch very quick no do you judge that i play video games no most of my friends play video games yeah why don't you play it uh number one i'm not good and number either am i oh and you still play amazing this is an amazing talent you have yeah because i i'm getting better right that's number one if i was getting worse then i would probably stop but now it's like you know i'll give you an example and be she's gonna drive her crazy but um no you can't get driver crazy but um i'll just muzzle myself yeah but um so i used to play with this kid named raymie you know from uh he's from georgia but now he lives here in l.a every you know raymie you know raymie and raymie that's how i met on me he was just a one day i was playing uh call of duty and i um i had no one to play with so i went i get thousands of messages on my playstation from fans right because my my gamer tag is bobby lee live oh this is very yeah you you're gonna be very discreet i know very discreet there everyone knows right so did you find me bobby lee live underscore tiger belly so i'll read i'll read like um hundreds of messages and then some of them will like you know go think like they'll write it in a way where i'll go i'll give this guy a shot right and raymie it was just one of those messages right it was humble and yet you know he was excited and yet you know you could tell that he'd be excited to play with me so i started playing with him and he's so good that like you know he would kill so many people before i even had a shot to you know so i stopped playing with with them for months for three months really and you know if i started playing i stopped playing with everyone for months i started only playing with my brother because we had the same skill level but i played with raymie last night and you know i i'm i know i'm getting better he didn't say it but it's like you know i'm getting kills i heard him what do you mean he was like yo bob is pretty good huh yeah how does that make you feel so that's what i'm saying i'm improving all right so i think that for you you know i know that you're bad now right but i believe that you could get good thank you but it's a useless skill so i i i i i you're making my muzzle you're yeah it's like it's it's one of those things that where i can enjoy watching other people enjoy it and i think it's dope yeah but then when people look at me like why don't you play games it's like well i could say the same i don't know i [ __ ] care to get out of it it's like it's like i think it's cool like i'm not [ __ ] on anybody who plays games it's just i have tried and it doesn't entertain me i actually get bored out of my [ __ ] mind and and then i start doing this [ __ ] thing where if because it affects them and it makes them angry if i do well i just keep making fun of them and they get angrier and angry and i'm the only one here having a good time you know so it kind of feeds into this bad habit that i have where i'm just like oh this makes you angry let me just do a little more that you know yeah that was not a very good habit to have you know ah i can't be in a um environment of competition like aren't you like a competitive swimmer that's why so like i was basically bred to be like a racehorse my whole life so i see everything as like i have a really nasty competitive spirit not the good kind now oh you get angry like i one time like scrapped with my best friend over [ __ ] kickball like we were on opposite teams like my best friend jessica and i can never be on opposite teams anymore because we will absolutely like gouge each other's eyes out over kickball nothing there was no prize it was just the the the [ __ ] you know the w of that day and you don't have that you just want to have fun so i if i play games it has to be no score no nothing it's got to be like oh look at this puzzle and find this and this it can't i can't have a score you must have some pretty severe anxiety then huh severe really really bad to the point where i purchased um a peloton which i love and i have to take all the numbers out or else i get two in my head and i i go into like it's like exercise burnout because if i don't beat what i did the day before i do like self-punishment like i basically like mentally flock man what is the [ __ ] is wrong with you that's nuts dude i don't care about [ __ ] like that enough oh really yeah i've had bad auditions where i've hurt myself why you're bobby lee i know but i i do i'll i'll i'll just i'll like physically hurt myself until there's blood you haven't gotten to this point where you just scabbed over when an audition goes bad you just walk in and be like [ __ ] it and then you're good no no no i've been able to do it i've been able to do it now but i you know you know back to the sports i like being a poor loser okay it feels good i'm going to show you what i mean i know what you mean when i played tennis right and i knew i was losing i would do things like smash my racket like i had the school coach you know say to me you you can't throw your rack at people you can't scream you know what i mean there's two things you can't walk off the court like that's me and i love doing it johnny you're john mcenroe i love it there's two types of competitors one of them is someone like my sister who like swims her race she has blinders on and she does it for herself to beat her own time i'm my head's on a swivel like this i cannot stand lane five or lane [ __ ] three coming after me like i have to know where everyone is that's so nuts to me because you guys are also a part of old media and new media right and new media is all about public perception and what people say about you right so having maybe well you're not really much on instagram though not really i i barely i post like once a month because it would be hard for you to probably read comments and have people say some [ __ ] even though it's like something dumb oh yeah it would probably [ __ ] ruin you then huh it it it is i'm really sensitive to like anything i'm not sensitive to some things you'd be surprised what actually hurts me it's just some obscure [ __ ] that'll be like yeah like if like the all like the misogynistic stuff doesn't hurt me yeah there's certain things that will but um very few and far between like give me an example i can't because then it'll be like filipino mango suck and you're like what the [ __ ] have you been to cebu [ __ ] and then you get help something so stupid like that where i feel like i have to like defend my clan if you talk about me that's i'm used to it but if you make mention of anybody in my life like i read like i'm gonna kill [ __ ] gilbert tomorrow because he's a loser yeah you would be like for some reason yeah i get really sensitive if anybody says anything about george or gilbert or what about me yeah you shouldn't say yeah you of course babe she completely over here just quiet just [ __ ] one tear comes down his pants are going up his shirt is tucking in more i i don't like it when people try to alter my reality in comments you know i mean oh they twistier yeah they'll like last week so there was a guy that said um so-and-so is doing way better than you in the business who should be ashamed of yourself am i going to say what person right yeah right but like they're saying you should be ashamed of yourself right and it's like in my mind i was like that guy's not doing better than me and i want to like attack them and give them proof but then it's like all moot and doesn't [ __ ] mean anything right but i don't know why i just don't like it when people think that they know me or they think that like you know what i mean or they're just out of their way when a [ __ ] you know well people just say things just to irritate you though does that name rhyme with ben bong by the way i just i'm just gonna throw it up no okay not bad no because ben bong because ben bong right ben bong right is doing better than i am in many ways right i mean he ben bong is doing stuff like that stuff that i might not necessarily want to do right you guys are different but we're different in that way and also he has a different brand than i do and ben ben bong is i know his heart ben bong's heart and i think bang bong is a good guy you know and i have a really good you know it's not him right what what hurts you um or if do you even you know what the thing is it's like it's gotten to the point now where that's what i'm saying like i've i've done this weird mental flip now where i'm starting to do stuff to piss other people off on purpose like like the other day somebody wrote this habib comment on my thing and i knew this was going to make him irritated i'm like nothing you said was wrong about what you said about habib but you're socially awkward and even that one that socially awkward phrase was going to piss him off yeah yeah starts going on this tirade and i'm taking a [ __ ] and i'm laughing my ass but that's what my fiance hates about me she goes why do you do this i was like because i don't want to get angry yeah i want him to be angry because he's trying to do something to me so i'm like okay i gotta make this fun for myself but stuff that hurts me personally it has to be somebody close to me like the one person that can put me into a [ __ ] rage is my fiance yeah other than that it's really hard yeah you know what i mean because she knows me personally and when she does things to make me angry it has to be on purpose at this point because you know who i am you [ __ ] evil woman you know yeah yeah so what you're saying to me is if let's say a guy just walks up to your fiance and spits on her face that's different that's personal though oh okay that's really personal my god if somebody spit on your [ __ ] face same reaction what my love for my fiance is the same as my love for you no if someone spit in her face right i'd spit on his face that's it i gotta walk away oh it's like the russian thing if you hit me with a feather i'm gonna hit you with a tank yeah be russian about it yeah i don't know i think if somebody puts their hands on anybody i mean whether i'm most likely i'm gonna get my ass beat but i have to at least pretend like i'm gonna do something yeah so you know okay if somebody came up to you i would be really angry if he didn't give me the chance to get to work like if someone disrespected me and he cut me off and wouldn't let me get to that person oh i would be really angry like if he went got to him first i'd be like no like let me he disrespected me let me put my hand let me feel the victory of [ __ ] you know you're competitive you're well you're [ __ ] nuts dude you're a little crazy well let me say this actually i'm lying a little bit because the the girlfriend that i had before my fiance there's like this like this weird balance right that happens between boyfriend and then a really comedic moment so like when we were at the we were at the airport and i remember this huge [ __ ] dude started hitting on her while i went to the bathroom and when i came back i could see that she was very uncomfortable because this dude was like macking on her right yeah he wasn't gonna do anything but he was being a little aggressive so i see it and in my mind i'm like i should probably step in and take her away because she feels uncomfortable which is the boyfriend thing to do but the other part of me is like this is [ __ ] hilarious yeah i went behind a pillar instead and i just kind of peeked my head out to see what was going on yeah and then i texted her like yo what's going on this man is making me feel really uncomfortable can you come and help me cool well i'm gonna send a picture of myself and tell him that this is your boyfriend i just sent her a naked picture of terry crews and she didn't talk to me for a solid week yeah it was pissed if she was actually in danger i probably would have stepped in but you know maybe in your case too i expect her to be able to handle her that's me like i really want someone to believe that i can take care of myself mm-hmm so he'll have sweaty palms too just [ __ ] flick that [ __ ] in their face i have no problems i mean he's seen it and he's like if he's picked me up from let's say i go to like a a dive bar with my sister and like he's like oh i'll come pick you up i'm coming out of the comedy store and it's on my way and then he'll see me waiting there and then dudes are like harassing me he won't come to my defense because he knows me better no but that's also one moment where i was picking you up from a [ __ ] club yeah right and you open up the passenger door right and you some guy's macking on you right there right and you go this is my boyfriend right and i love going hi i'm gonna have to show him to show this man right you know some guy with a furry chest he's yolked you don't mean he's got the italian shirt on you know i mean he's greasy you know i mean and he thinks he's hot right and i just love like just [ __ ] spearing him in the heart go i'm a [ __ ] little nerd and i'm [ __ ] i'm taking her home all right guys dude yeah with a piece of [ __ ] rolling in the back [ __ ] disgusting i've never been able to get over that podcast well no i just did it again why two weeks ago why do you keep sitting in your car oh my god the last time was when a week before you were here too it's like a sign that there's a sign that you're coming yeah yeah yeah it's interesting yeah so you picked it up and it looked like my face it's like oh no but there's just something there's a there's a connection between you and just [ __ ] in my car stuff i don't know where you're in your car i couldn't stop you're not old enough for that yet it's not acceptable at this age yet ten more years maybe i couldn't this time around so i'm really proud yeah i'd say that's a weird thing to be proud about look if i don't have to clean anything up i'm proud baby steps can you not sense when a poop is coming no because um what happens is uh if i drink if so what happened was this okay we i woke up late a little bit and we got to get in the car she has a doctor's appointment right okay so what i do is i'll take a i'll smoke a cigarette really quickly and i'll drink black coffee that's the worst combination right so worst combination and i'll just go one right in the car usually you know when i wake up and i do that right um i'm playing video games right so i can push pause and just go right to the bathroom but i have emergency shits all the time right but in the car and it happened why do you do it sometimes it comes um just out of nowhere it's not out of nowhere you did you you in you took in a deadly combo of the cigarettes yeah but that combination generally sometimes it happens sometimes it doesn't right so it's 50 50. but don't take the risk it's happened multiple times now i know so i'm in the car and right and i felt fine though you feel fine you're like i feel fine and all of a sudden i had this great urge right it was like i couldn't stop and i tell her time time tables in the car i go two minutes yes it's two minutes and i was like well it's two minutes to the doctor's office so [ __ ] wait yeah so i waited two minutes but alas it's the time covered so they rejected him at the doctor's office and said you may not poo here oh yeah you're covet poop yeah and then you have to make decisions so i [ __ ] right in my pants so i went right in the car on la cienega i would just go gutter [ __ ] that well you're from the philippines so what do you find sexually attractive about it let's let's let's segue into that room what what is this what is your sexual desire i i i watch them that's part of these really short sleeves is it the world of jackets let me know you know what it's the perfect this the fact that he has absolute like love and freedom like he he loves himself the fact that okay because i dated a guy before maybe like a little bit before him super hot super built super tall whatever correct correct proportions human being turn me on [ __ ] wet right but he did this thing once where i after that i was like i never want to sleep with this man again no like he took a shower and he came out and like he did this like cover his dick thing he was like shy he was like don't look and i was like oh my god well that's very unique that's not a normal thing either that guy's a [ __ ] weirdo and i was like but i i but he did garbage yeah he owns up to it and then he'll like yeah he i remember the first time we hooked up like he would do things like he would be naked with his belly out then he would play the air guitar in the corner just naked yeah like what the [ __ ] is this dude doing yeah yeah he's mental and i like him and i would just be this is a perfect match made in heaven no but i i think that everyone should be like that oh 100 authentically yourself right and i generally try not to apologize you know you should learn you should learn something i will never apologize or anything no but like um hey guys we're gonna take another really quick break to share one of our most favorite sponsors of this podcast better help guys um during this pandemic i don't know what i would have done without it you know um it's good to deal with your issues and talk about your problems and better help is one of the best programs and um it is professional therapy online exactly yeah betterhelp will assess your needs and match you with your own license professional therapy you can start communicating in under 48 hours we've used it all you know juliana's used it kalila and i have used it and the service is available for clients worldwide crisis line it's not how self-help it's professional constantly like you said done securely online yeah you can log in et cetera et cetera yeah you can log into your account anytime and send a message to your counselor yeah right you can get timely thoughtful responses and the service available like again yeah what kind of clients worldwide clients worldwide you can get thoughtful responses plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions so you won't ever have to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room as a traditional therapy right and it's more affordable than traditional online counseling and financial aid is available better help wants you to live start living a happier life today tell them more gil yeah guys uh visit their website or read their testimonials that are posted daily visit betterhelp.com belly that's better help and join over the 1 million people taking charge of mental health with the help of an experienced professional in fact so many people have been using betterhelp that they are recruiting additional counselors in all 50 states special offer for tiger belly listeners get 10 off your first month at betterhelp.com belly once again betterhelp.com belly enjoy the rest of the show because when i was young i had so much um i had so many like layers of defenses and i i was so shy and i was so yeah i was like um quiet even you know when race like today i had therapy right and she thinks you know the guy growing up i have a lot of trauma even through racism you know in this country right that i'm not even aware of and i told her a story right i don't know if i ever told at the um uh spaghetti factory story do i ever tell you that story you we have many spaghetti factory stores i know i know but the one thing you go yeah yeah i love spaghetti factory what's this thing called the manager's special oh this is my favorite mm-hmm with the missouri three types of the mushroom spaghetti so good that's the white trashiest thing that's the [ __ ] spaghetti factory what the [ __ ] so there's an actor by the name of jamie kaler right he's done a lot of things right in in in the business but when jamie kaler was in the navy and i was 19 years old i met this kid named jamie kaler that same jamie keller in an improv class in pacific beach san diego and um he just mentioned hey i have an improv troupe i know we're taking an improv class but um can you do one word live and i go you're asking me to perform live it was some racist thing too i remember it was like okay or something that was the line or something and that was it yeah so he had this theater downtown san diego this is in the 90s probably 1990 probably 1992-93 and um i remember being backstage in this theater and i did it i did the line i got a laugh i got off and he gave me like 20 bucks just to do that one thing and i didn't have any money back then so i said i was so high from the performance aspect of it and it just fed something i'd never done it before like that i didn't school [ __ ] at school but and there was a spaghetti factory next to it so i go you know with 20 i'm going to um you know get a meal you know so i sat there i was proud that i performed and i i got this 20 dollars and um this [ __ ] jewish busboy was arguing with a table next to me i know what they were arguing about and then the jewish bush boy comes up to me he goes hey i just want to let you know i want to warn you i go what what what'd i do he was oh no you didn't do anything it's just that that table that they they want you to move right right and i go why and he's like i don't know i think they're racist and then all of a sudden they ask for the manager and then the manager and them are fighting right and i can now hear it like i'm not we're not sitting next to no [ __ ] [ __ ] that type of thing really yeah yeah and then i remember um the manager going you have to leave the restaurant to this table right now i thought it was it to you you so they so the table gets up right and it was one man and two women the women were dressed in like church clothing like these like sunday like dresses summer dresses mennonites right and the man was wearing like mennonites long skirts men and i had this button-up shirt to his thing you know you know whatever but the man comes up to me walking out of the rest and he goes you know what we'll wait for you outside like that what's he going to do to you i don't know i i'm 19. i don't know what the [ __ ] you know i had just moved out of my parents house i don't know anything right i'm a little guy you know i mean and i had this great night and now it's a nightmare you know it's a nightmare i don't know what to do i've only read about this i've seen this in the news maybe or whatever right so um i stayed there until it closed for like two or three hours oh you were scared i was scared and then when i walked out of the restaurant a couple of waiters walked out with me and i go there's my car they kind of walked me to my car because they knew that that's nice and that's why you always go to old spaghetti factory because you feel safe that might be it right you feel safe and that's why you get that that [ __ ] bag of [ __ ] spaghetti all the time it's your sister baby further prove your point about white trash though the patrons that were there were racist as [ __ ] so yes you're correct about the white yeah that's what i'm saying but but you know when i was talking to my therapy therapist about it right it's like those kind of experiences have an effect on you you know for sure and i think that you know when i look at you know my comedy right and the way i am you know my persona isn't really it's it's it's me right but it's it's it's my rebelliousness against white people and also stereotypes right because i'm not you know what people think that i am you know as asians we were put into and maybe now people are awoke right a lot more awoke but back in the day though it was like people would just straight up say it in your face but on top of that too we don't talk about it with our parents or family like if things happen like those external things happen to us like even with my mom finally i sat her down a couple months ago and i'm like what have you experienced like in terms of racism and she had an [ __ ] whole bag of stories about this happened to me but when it happens like we don't go running to each other she certainly didn't come running to me yeah you know so to think that that probably happened so much to your parents yeah and even happened to you in the 90s yeah that [ __ ] like carries over man it cares you know i i will say this though it's it's different for our parents generation too because this is how my dad would explain it right my parents own a black beauty supply store they've had the most racist [ __ ] said to them and my dad always shrugged it off of his shoulders because it's like people who are willing to say that to you they're beneath you so why am i going to be concerned with the opinion of somebody who is below me it doesn't [ __ ] matter i'm busy trying to make provide for my family they weren't they couldn't speak the [ __ ] language they don't have time for that bowl yeah you know for us we have options we have choices yeah so a lot of the time especially with the younger generation now like my generation and below we're burdened with too many choices too many choices to think about we don't have to worry about where our next meal is coming from yeah we're worried about people's public perception rather than rather than having food on our table so because of that burden it's just it's apples and oranges yeah i mean totally yeah i think so we do have that luxury though of luxury is a burden for these kids now you know yeah but i didn't have it at the time and also i didn't have parents that's a very very good point where i could cut i didn't i remember not saying that that to anybody well your parents don't want to show you that they're hurt i think that's my korean dad or even my mom like she wanted to preserve us from her pain i mean obviously internalized and manifested in different ways like so like we suffered anyway so through her actions of course but never in a way where i'm like hey i'm hurt let me tell you about the things that hurt me today never god forbid she show any type of like vulnerability in that way and this is so cool too because a lot of people will hear this story especially like younger people and they'll be like well if i was a message this is what no you wouldn't [ __ ] you wouldn't have done [ __ ] [ __ ] i've i've said multiple times if i ever see somebody get robbed in front of you i would do something let me tell you something i stood and watched that person get robbed yeah it was in front of a jamba juice this guy got his wallet jacked and i looked at him and i watched the guy go away and then in my mind i thought i did something if i thought i went up to him i was like not today sir yeah but what happened was he got robbed and the guy rode off on his bike and i just went what if if you were like if you were peter parker's uncle he would still have an uncle right he would not become spiderman thank god for david everybody's a [ __ ] hero in their own story right yeah but if you kind of put that in perspective especially at the time that bobby was in right yeah and you're the only asian person in that restaurant oh my god it's easy to say that when you have an army of people behind you when you can put it up on the internet and you know that a [ __ ] uh a socially woke instagram is gonna back you up you're going to have this support when you feel alone and you're pushed into a corner you're either going to show your fangs or you're going to cower in fear most people cower in fear me too all the time but cowering is also a form of like preservation like sometimes like you take the path of you know what seems like the least resistance at that time right like at least that's what i do like if i see like trouble brewing my first instinct isn't to up and fight it's like how do i get out of this that's exactly you know what and out as i think when younger people get older too we start to realize how hypocritical we are and how much full of [ __ ] we are the the other day i was driving down colorado and pasadena and there was these cars that were backed up i was in there too and i didn't know what was going on but when i drove up i saw these two dudes fighting in the middle of the [ __ ] road just wailing on each other right yeah in my mind i was like this is an injustice i'm gonna say something right but nobody did they just drove by so as i was going up i thought i was going to say something a lot cooler yeah what i actually said but when i rolled up i rolled down the window and the first thing i said was that's not it guys and as i said i was like shut the [ __ ] up guys this dude looked up and he goes this guy tried to steal my [ __ ] wallet yeah i said yeah i then and i just drove off what the [ __ ] in my mind i thought i was gonna say something dope i said that's not it guys dumbest [ __ ] thing i've ever said yeah you know but everybody's a hero in their own story but you don't know what's going to happen when you're put in these weird situations yeah you think you're going to come up and knock the dude out but most likely you're not you know yeah a guy said to me once at a cash checking place what are you looking at and i see you know what i said back pretty good oh okay all right man i was so scared right that that's what came out and he's like oh [ __ ] he's [ __ ] leave him alone another whatever so another time what happened was i was at the comedy store back in the day when they used to have fat tuesday right and i remember a guy pulled out a gun like a a a automatic gun yeah right and when it was all said and done everyone was beneath tables on the ground i was the only one standing i was like what's going on right like i just know it's pretty good that's pretty good yeah yeah like i have no i have no aware i just i'm not a survivor maybe you just froze i think that yeah like no i just stood there i knew it was gunshots right i know people were going down and i just was standing pretty good right no i could have died no i i i got it i actually told this story on your brother's podcast but when i when i left before uh it was literally the night before i was supposed to drive up to riverside because i got accepted into ucr it was the only university that would take me uh my house got shot up so because and i always tell people this like it doesn't matter if you're not quote unquote in a gang if you hang out with bad people bash it will come to you right so long story short they these people try to shoot up my house they [ __ ] up they they shot up the house next to mine because there's these college students that were there they assumed that i lived there too because it was loud and rowdy but they shot up that house and they didn't know that i wasn't in there so thank god nobody got [ __ ] hurt so at this point and i [ __ ] you [ __ ] not this is nuts so i heard these gunshots and i knew that somebody was gonna try and come after me because i was a little paranoid so a buddy of mine gave me a gun right he gave me this glock i had it never used the gun before in my life scared shitless so i had this gun on me i go outside and there's this blue mustang that dries up on the [ __ ] driveway comes out he pulls a gun right in front of my [ __ ] face and this and you know what the [ __ ] this is what i'm saying everybody's hearing their own story in my mind i dodged this bullet i karate chopped the hand out the way i grabbed the minute and i shot him in the stomach yeah what [ __ ] happened i went oh [ __ ] yeah as i had this whole [ __ ] scenario i still remember what i thought i did i thought i was like nothing [ __ ] happened dick out mouth open what the [ __ ] yeah yeah and so when he's a this guy has his [ __ ] gun right to my [ __ ] face probably the distance like from me to you helicopter light comes down because the cops were called there was a shootout yeah the guy sees it gets his car jets to get arrested right but that's [ __ ] nuts to me because i still remember that moment where i thought that i did something really cool nothing [ __ ] happened i stood out there and i just stared at him with my mouth open yeah yeah you know what i'm saying yeah it's it's crazy [ __ ] hate that [ __ ] too oh i know i think that we try to kind of i think yeah i think i've had a couple instances like i used to be a real big time scrapper when i was in high school like i was all sorts of what was your nickname in high school i knew you had addicted yeah i already [ __ ] i tagged too yeah oh my god oh yeah they would call you kalila licks no just you sound like a porn star it wasn't even kalila all um because i thought like i took on the mexican identity i was like the first rachel dolezal but like filipino to me you know like whatever folk call me licks i don't give a [ __ ] it was kella k-e-l-a keller yeah oh man you were fake as [ __ ] huh on your neck and [ __ ] you just won't let it go oh my god i got to show you guys a picture i always had a bandana on my head i want to see your eyebrows is what i want to see wait they were barely visible of course they were over plucked i'm going to show them um but but yeah i was like oh i always scrapped and i always thought i was like a hard ass [ __ ] because i went to blair high school and it was you know like a bunch of like these reject kids and whatnot um but i think in my head i probably was a much better scrapper than i actually was because i was like oh yeah like you know i swim i lift weights i'm a bad [ __ ] but some of these girls were just more strategic like they'd been fighting longer like i grabbed your hair they did all that [ __ ] just real nasty [ __ ] i always had long hair you know you didn't put that [ __ ] up in cornrows oh i did yeah you have to i sure did you know what they used to call me you all you oh this is another it wasn't really racist but i went to an all-white swim team because that's the club team that i swam for so in pasadena maybe they had like us you know some peppering of asian here and there but it was mostly white and they would call me alicia yavez like alicia keys because i i completely yeah i i had cornrows it was really my high school when a girl had uh cornrows in her hair like if it wasn't like that the day before she's gonna scrap like something she's looking for a [ __ ] fight and without fail somebody just getting her [ __ ] teeth knocked out and we always had a little tub of vaseline okay and you always had that was it like it was so scrappy my school and girls is [ __ ] you know no matter so kind and gentle i would have never thought she would have been such a scrapper oh yeah yeah oh yeah i was i was i've seen her go off oh really one time one time and that was really in in you know to defend your honor thank you yeah where oh the movie the movie oh you defended his honor no it you defended your own honor i was pretty good what an honor no okay i'm going to say i'm going to tell you admit you you have i have to tell the real story the real story is that when we went to seattle and we were watching um this movie called hereditary it was so frightening that we basically screamed the whole way through people sitting in front of us didn't like that we were screaming and said that yeah and they said like if you know that's your reaction to scary things maybe you should watch this at home patagonia wearing white dude you know the type techie type um and so but truly the loudest girlish girliest scream in that whole place was him okay like me i'm kind of a you know like i hold it i go like that he's a ha ha like really high pitched tell your [ __ ] to shut up yeah bobby just done this okay so it was really his fault you have to play both roles now because you don't know how to feel it's like but yeah they they came after us and they were like shut the [ __ ] up i like it oh babe yeah but it was we have an unhelpful advice no we have this can i oh my god oh my god oh my god yeah yeah yeah yeah [ __ ] is that like who the [ __ ] he's out of your league bobby what are you doing i don't know what i'm doing you deserve better oh what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] is that that's a licks you know what i always you know what we always say babe like orange hair too look at the chain look at the chain wow you know how i always say that if you and i went to high school together i always say you wouldn't have dated me i wouldn't have dated you and i've always i would've you know he always tells me he's like you wouldn't have dated me i'm like of course i would i would have asked because i would have like the boys that i dated i did anybody and everybody yeah i can tell you didn't have options but no one believes me wow it looks like you like comb your hair with a knife and [ __ ] it's like you know we have combs nah i don't know unhelpful advice hey y'all slap king here bobby lee telling you to check out our patreon at patreon.com tiger belly it's your online home for tiger belly vlogs bonus interviews the tiger belly discord and the tiger belly singing competition please i'm in hawaii now so i don't know what we released this week because i'm dumb but it could be any of the above or something completely new trust me join the community at patreon.com tiger belly and let's hang out i'll miss you i'll be chatting with you on a new live stream when i get back only at patreon.com tiger belly yeah let's get back to the show uh hey guys i'm a sleeper from france i've asked friends and family but they only provide pc or compassionate advice which is not what i'm looking for okay i live in an apartment and uh my upstairs neighbors are garbage they are a couple who during the confinement early this year decided to install a treadmill in their home or more specifically directly above the room where i spend most of my days working if it wasn't bad enough that if i could uh it could be heard from every corner of our apartment they also walk around like horses with anvils for feet and as long as i have tolerated their daily indoor marathons the semi-rhythmic stomping of the floor feels like audible chinese war torture we have confronted them multiple times they know they're wrong they make empty compromises like installing a mat which they request we do with them to which i say [ __ ] all that i'm writing this you today as my skull vibrates to their pounding of the floor we have two dogs i was thinking of collecting their poo and smearing it on their door or attach it to a balloon basically he would like to hear uh everyone's advice of how to handle these neighbors but also like to hear klaus approach because she believes that uh you would be you would breathing uh yang to the end in the situation okay so i'm the peaceful one here after you saw the picture of lips no i know what would licks do don't do a lipstick let me tell you two versions okay there's a kalila version which is absolutely do not spear [ __ ] anywhere um it's not their fault and it's not your fault that you're home all day and have to deal with each other's noises they're respecting the [ __ ] lock down and doing what they have to do and living their lives they have feet there's nothing they can do about that so um you either have to get noise cancelling headphones um when you have to do your work and feel like you don't want to listen to their anvil feet and you have to just kind of grin and bear it until this lock down is over that's what kalila would do licks yeah i would have [ __ ] lit poo on fire and launched it through their window a long time ago or i would have like gotten the biggest speakers and just play [ __ ] death metal you know i mean to you know to piss them off that's what um a part of me would do what about bobby now bobby now the reality is it's like our neighbor our neighbor oh my god this is a perfect example we have a karen that lives next to us right so he basically he'll like pop his head through the bushes beyond that babe so go ahead go ahead go ahead go ahead go ahead i don't even know what i was gonna say because yeah no no go all the way back i'll go what he made us do which is install a fence because our dogs you know here i bought a house right so that my dogs can run free in my backyard okay my dogs bark at the squirrels my dogs you know act a fool you know what i mean but i let them be free cause they're [ __ ] dogs but only like 15 minutes at a time like we bring them back in they're not there all day long right but they're loud and when my neighbor right used to go not to his backyard but there's an orchard you mean facing one side of our house right that it's not his backyard but he goes out there and he trims the trees when it's not even his backyard and there's no there was no like plastic covering it it was just a a a fence right a chain-link fence where you could obviously see through and my dogs would go crazy because they would just they would sense and hear this movement in the bushes yeah they'd be like that's a [ __ ] intruder so a dog you know our dogs would do the thing and he's like i can't i can't deal with this um your dogs have to you got to get a trainer he was telling me what trainers to get nope and all these things right so i go you know what dude i'm gonna build a wall so we built a [ __ ] very popular high-ass wall i'll spend money to build a wall but that's still not good enough for him right i spent thousands of dollars building this [ __ ] wall and now he'll go above the wall peek through the peek through the [ __ ] bushes and go um is your dog's done now yeah so this is what he did you're trying to die yeah i know it was so scary so that wall is really high right right and it's behind the wall is even more bushes so there's like a double layer of a wall there so i was out there i put a little like doggy pool out there so they can play with their ball i just do [ __ ] dumb things with my animals yeah we had been out there exactly like 51 minutes i timed it and he peers he [ __ ] climbs he scales her wall like separates the bushes puts his little [ __ ] scary face in between and he's like it's been about an hour now don't you think that's enough don't you think you should bring him back in this [ __ ] is this [ __ ] is layers dude this is like political [ __ ] this is like some trump [ __ ] it's like build the wall it doesn't work bro yeah yeah oh yeah how come this guy wants to die i don't know like he's old he's like an eight-year-old but see this okay let me just tell you what i'm a very petty person right and i know now that because we're older i can't just start socking people in the face however i want to yeah there's real consequences so a place that i moved in recently uh so it's street parking right i parked my truck out there i just got this new 4runner i guess before i moved him this is his spot right i didn't know as a neighbor if he likes that spot by the way there's hundreds of spots in the area our parking's great he goes he could have just asked me to move my car hey i usually park is it okay if i park here simple [ __ ] right so what he does instead is that he gets his hose and sprays my whole car and the next day water spots all over it he don't know me like that right so i knock on the door i'm like hey bro so uh there's no sprinklers out here like that and the water was did you did you spray my car last night right he goes yeah just don't park there yeah oh [ __ ] vayne coming oh man like you know like when i get in my shirt gets tucked in but my shirt started getting tucked in and my pants started rising all the way up that's which is the true side of an angry career yeah you know and then when you're like i started getting [ __ ] pissed and i'm looking at him i'm like bro the next time you do something like that i'm i'm just going to [ __ ] you up and i just told him straight up wow i'm not going to hit him right yeah so in my mind i'm like you can't hit somebody at this age because there's co so what are you going to do so you sprayed water on your car he sprayed water why does that car why does that matter because there's water spots on it now water stays during the summer he did it to spite him this is water though no his water stays it [ __ ] up your pain it does yeah real bad am i bad so i'm getting pissed right now yeah i'm about to punch you i know it's just water though i know just relax just relax but um so you know the way he responded to me [ __ ] pissed me off right it was very demeaning so in my mind i'm like cool so what i did as a normal human being i stalked him to see when he went to work and when he didn't go to work for about a week figure out his time i started putting nails in his tires every [ __ ] day so his his every time he so there's this thing does he know this no he does not he shouldn't hear this then so he moved out it doesn't matter oh yeah [ __ ] you [ __ ] hey there's no camera here yeah yeah [ __ ] you [ __ ] yeah i don't know what's going on so there's this thing i used to do in high school where instead of like slashing somebody's tire is very apparent you just take a nail long enough where you leave it at an angle and there's a good chance that it'll go through the tire so i did it to one tire and i waited for him to replace his tire then i did it again to another tire so i did to all four tires for about two three months wow did he not because he put water i just put water on your car so what i did afterwards and everything that's crazy and i'm like hey bro like what the [ __ ] keeps happening to your tires so we actually developed a good rapport i kept sympathizing with these tires i'm like dude what the [ __ ] is the construction out here you know what your strategy is very similar to mine i'm like a slow gorilla warfare like we're going to do this for a whole year let's play so back to this guy um don't be like those people because i think that's the same exact scenario right our dogs bother this guy right to the point my neighbor right to the point where he's going to climb a wall and put his head through that's no this is different this guy is unreasonable oh for real like this is different from a guy who they have to the dogs but the dog's driving 24 hours but the dogs drive him crazy just like the hooves above you know him in the treadmill it's different it's different because it's like this whole this whole hill it's just one giant cacophony of dogs barking like that's this whole everyone has dogs here everyone so he's he's after something else he is fixating on us for reasons i don't understand that's beyond just the dog you two don't look right together this isn't okay it should be me but i guilted him when he came through i was like oh you know we were just having a nice sunday back here i thought i'd play with my dogs you know i don't get to do this very often and but i was like but i'll take him back in now sir no problem that's kalila now like i'm like path at least i would get a bigger dog train them to bark i would train them to bark specifically at old white people a dog's name cujo i would get a saint bernard and a great dane yeah and they was [ __ ] on his lawn only i feel this guy's pain though like especially if i don't already like like my neighbors and they're making just a ruckus yeah you know it also dude you live in an apartment you know tough luck that's what happens when you leave it what happened to me all the time too so i just you know that's what happens though you know yeah but he has a good thing the blasting death metal that yeah maybe that'll do it yeah anyway um i got to eat but this is a great this is a great podcast with you it's always easy with you it's uh how many times have you done it third time it might be the most this time i think the most now i think you have the most appearances on this podcast thank you yeah and um you know we should get you on more often you're easy to talk to i think we're we come from the same um cut from the same clock the [ __ ] that we come from no it's it's just you know here's what it is i you know growing up i never met koreans like-minded and i was always raised with people that um were white or you know and i just never would would run into people like you you know and when i'm with you i go oh he's like-minded it feels you know i mean it doesn't i don't feel alone yeah i mean i know this holds it a lot of my life though to be honest with you what you molded a huge part of my life okay anyone else said stuff like that but no for real though there was there was nobody on tv like you i know okay but you know this right so you can't take compliments yeah i can't you really can't go keep going let me tell you something that ass though badass yum yum it's tight yeah i like it but you know it it you know also by be doing this for so long you know and to see kids like you come up in the same business and be as talented it feels um you know it feels good it feels like you know there's more of us now and um you know i really i'm very childlike in many ways and i still relate to you know you and i think sherry cole is very funny as well you know sherry uh i've seen her do her character tasty yeah tasty but you should meet her she's you you're like-minded with her as well you know i mean there's other asians that are like that ally's like that other people are like that and i um it just feels um like we're going in the right direction and um thank you so much david where's your podcast uh yeah you could check me out at uh the genius brain podcast and that's really about it and then david so comedy you guys go david is tied with michael rosenbaum with lex luthor for four episodes wow hey guys i hope you enjoyed uh episode four with david soh uh he's a part of the four podcast club here at tiger belly uh we'd like to thank our patronages for helping us uh helping support this show what did we put out this week question mark well we've been recording these episodes ahead of time so bob can go to hawaii so we don't even know right now it could be a blog it can be a much anticipated scene competition which guys let me tell you it's gonna be good we've got uh we're in the process right now of the first round of auditions where we're just having bobby and kalila react to you beautiful people singing and we are currently um still shooting that it's hilarious that's all i can say uh it could be a new jewels interview which she's becoming quite the uh barbara walters these days you might get one with george you might get one with i don't know me don't watch the jules interview because everyone loves everyone loves you george people want you have the highest viewed episode of tiger belly relax dude uh if you have yet to join the community of like-minded if you have yet to join the community of like-minded sleepers it's less than the price of a venti pumpkin spice slotting damn it why do you always get me to say that i gotta stop reading that it's so corny so come on so come on down to pastrana.com tiger bell and let's hang out this copy was brought to you by the george kimmel ad agency thank you to our sponsors quip and better help start getting rewards for brushing your teeth today get go to get quipped dot com slash belly right now to get your first refill free visit betterhelp.com belly that's better help join over 1 million people taking charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional special offer for tiger belly listeners get 10 off your first month at betterhealth.com belly get your question on tiger belly by emailing us at adviceonhelpfgmail.com uh the question today amazing thank you thank you person he she whatever your pronouns are today um thank you so much for sending out that was a great question it sparked a lot of great conversation got to hear different points of views so guys keep sending emails like that that give us something they really chew on um so once again that is advice and helpful gmail.com please follow george at george underscore kimmel he's trying to get to 50k he he keeps texting me that to keep promoting his instagram here uh please follow kalaila clam dk wonderful content she's verified so you know it's good um listen to uh also uh if you got anyone who works at patagonia feel free to contact me as her manager we'd love to get her in some nice puffy jackets i just talked [ __ ] about a guy who's wearing patagonia didn't i never mind uh north face love patagonia though just kidding i really love their business model everything about it can be swimmy werner for life there we go whatever she just said that's a free ad you're welcome patagonia so contact me if you want to collab with the queen uh follow everything bobby lee at bobby lee live and myself at gilbert's we love you so much um i just can't contain my excitement uh about the singing competition on patreon.com tigerbelly so with that being said i love you have a good night okay

Channel: TigerBelly

Views: 356,045

Keywords: tiger belly, tigerbelly, bobby lee, podcast, khalyla, tgrbly, all things comedy, mad tv, stand up, tpw, tkats, tfatk, off the record, bad friends, comedy podcast, Bobby lee andrew santino, david so, just kidding news, stand up comedy, david so comedy, tigerbelly clips, david so cooking, david so food, jknews, justkiddingnews, send foodz, thrillist, good for you podcast, khalyla kuhn, h3 podcast, joe jitsukawa, davidsocomedy, history hyenas, beawcast, monday morning podcast

Id: F1fn4DNpbcE

Length: 86min 14sec (5174 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 19 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/YaMochi]

I like Bobby's dynamic with Koreans: David So, Roy Choi, Dumbfounded, Jessica the Ox, Patty (from the lost episode), and of course his brother and mom.

Get more Koreans on!

[u/TheRevEd]

Love it every time David So is on the podcast !

[u/cak3nneth]

i could listen to david and bobby riff for hours, they have such good chemistry

[u/alfie2682]

Ok so they had issues with neighbours in their previous place in regards to their dogs. And now again they have issues with neighbours in regards to their dogs. And their explanations are always like 'we're the innocent party and the neighbours are crazy and the bad guys' ....but come on. The same thing?? In 2 different locations with 2 different neighbours?? Sounds like bs to me.

[u/PrayingPlatypus]

Someone tell me if it’s hilarious I’m going to watch when I’m done doing dad /husband shit

[u/WasCrackinBruda]

This dude if a bigger liar than bob

[u/HumanRuse]

Is this the guy that Bobby is collaborating with on a bathhouse based sitcom and currently shopping it to networks?

[u/olivebomb]

unhelpful update: it’s been a few days since the neighbors last tortured us (“chinese water torture” not “war torture”). after months, we’re relieved whenever we don’t have to think about it. TB had some valid points. i realize my struggle is consequential of living in an apartment building. but i thought this be the very reason to have some consideration before installing a monolith of a treadmill, usually reserved for gyms, in an apartment. also, france’s 2nd and current lockdown doesn’t forbid people from leaving their homes. in fact families are free to shop, work, even exercise outside with the accompaniment of an “attestation” which is accessible via web and is pretty much bookmarked on everyone’s phone. when i’m walking my dogs i see people jogging, riding their bicycles, even going on walks.

i do own a pair of noise canceling headphones but they don’t cancel the running and stomping vibrations. maybe i need better headphones but it’s obviously affecting our dogs too.

i’m not gonna lie, i expected shadowier plays. i enjoyed lick’s response and my spirit aligns closer to her and david’s in that if we’re in this, it’s a slow burn guerrilla warfare situation. i will endure. i think it’s time we get our dogs a great dane and german shepherd companion. and with that said, does anyone have death metal recommendations?

[u/reversechinlock]

So much better than awful Whitney. Great episode.