David sa 1

how would you describe your childhood pretty [ __ ] up what kind of stuff was going on all right david david where'd you grow up where you from originally um ontario california a little town cross homes so must and uh tell me about your family growing up you had mom and dad yeah i was adopted i think four months um never met my real parents they they pretty much just whatever that um so you were raised by foster parents yeah yeah i consider them my little parents my mom i don't consider too much of anything to me anymore what am i down here this is your foster mom you're talking about yeah what was what was the issue with your foster mom she she was um she she never believed me she always knows lying and [ __ ] to her she thought i was always lying to her and she never believed me you know but i don't i don't blame her i'm not like saying it's her fault the reason why i don't like her is just because uh she she didn't i don't know i don't think she was there good enough you know what how would you describe your childhood pretty [ __ ] up what kind of stuff was going on a lot of sexual abuse um for my sisters and my brothers like my brother used to held me down and raped me from and he did that for five years and he i heard voices ever since then and the voice is telling me like that he's still looking for me you were the youngest or you were no he was about eight years older than me his name was roger he was a bully like big time and um he shot at me with the 22 almost point blade but not not really about seven feet you know i always remember saying you're gonna die [ __ ] and there was only one bullet in it thank god you know well i wish i would stephen i wish he would have hit me because it's been a struggle man like mental [ __ ] mental mental is real and and my voices are real they tell me they tell me to really watch people you know because ever since i've been like a kid i had to watch out for myself you know like my older brother raping me and [ __ ] and uh barbara she did too she she was a she was a sneaky she was sneaky because she when when i got charged with my um my mother station case i was 14 years old when it happened and nothing was said till i was 18 so i didn't know i was that's how [ __ ] up in the head it was i didn't know that i was doing anything wrong when i looked at it barbara is your uh no no not her i mean christie the the victim that's what i was doing well i didn't know i was doing anything wrong i didn't that's how i messed up the house was you know had me thinking but you're being molested by your siblings yeah yeah not your mom no no no no no no but it seems like they let it go on because they went on too long and went on for it went on from some day that that um seven uh they call them the bagwells that that's the other family that came to the house uh that my mom adopted and ever since they came to the house it just destroyed me it just destroyed me because uh at 15 i left i was sleeping on the streets getting getting um i mean um going with older older men like 62 year old man [ __ ] you know making money because i was hungry on the street and it was just it was [ __ ] terrible bro it like really you know that's pretty much all my life's consistence of drugs and and sex is it you know and i haven't had sex with a partner since i'm 21 because i'm because of my my case and i just can't have no relationship because i just i just don't think it's going to work so i don't even try you know so your case when you were you were yeah i was 14 and how old was your actually i was 13 it was it was happening during the eighth gr uh after i graduated eighth grade so like pretty much like right before my freshman year that's really what's happening happened for uh for as long as i know like maybe two weeks but but it happened you know who is the other chrissy her name's chrissy yeah and that was your sister yeah yeah step sister she she was uh um she was in blood yeah that was she yeah uh i'm not sure i'm not even sure she i know she's like three years younger than me or something but uh yeah and i and that's the biggest mistake i mean that's why i cut myself a lot because i think one day i'm just gonna succeed and get it over with i don't care if i get shot by anybody just the community put me out there in a bad way i'm not that way you know i'm not out there i don't like kids i'm not i have a meditation case but it was a juvenile case it doesn't mean i was with little babies i was a kid too you know so as far as i think i think she was like four years into me i'm not sure but she's not too much younger than me and i didn't think i was doing nothing wrong you know because of you yeah it was it was well that i took responsibility for that a long time ago i do classes in y for it but it taught me a lot like taking responsibility for what you did it it helps the victim a lot more and knowing that i'm doing my part i mean i i'm sorry i'm out of breath but i i've been trying to apologize and and i just don't think it's going to happen what would you say to the uh i would say i would say that was the biggest mistake and it's not your fault that it happened it's not your fault it's my fault i did it i take responsibility for it i did it so it's not your fault when you go blaming yourself don't blame yourself it's my fault you did nothing wrong and and that's why i i slice my neck a lot i don't do it you slice your what my neck that's why i cook oh wow yes yeah you've been doing it recently too yeah yeah and not just not to hit the vein but just just because i i think i deserve because of what happened when as a kid i don't i i i if she goes over that yeah yeah exactly and you know it's it's [ __ ] hard for me to to know that i did that to somebody and it's not not you know but better for me i'm just gonna i've never i'm not i haven't continued that i haven't committed never yeah i've never repeated it i'm never going to it's not going to happen you were two young kids yeah when i wa when i walk by kids i walk over i walk away just because something's going on right now and people are acting real crazy out there and honest i don't see i don't see me surviving more than a day if i stay in l.a but i'm not i ain't got a [ __ ] to run for so how long have you been down here let's get it uh i've been down here um about 20 years about 20 years i've been doing medicines i was 21. that's the biggest mistake how old are you now i'm 41. you're 41. yeah you've been on the streets for 20 years yeah i'm not longer than that since i was uh 14 yeah yeah and drugs tell me about drugs drugs um they help me escape the um life i i i don't um i have no motivation like i do but i hear voices and they [ __ ] with my head so bad and like it just it gets me it gets me bad and and then uh i don't go for help because i don't think i don't think nobody's gonna help because all they want is a paycheck you know have you ever tried harpy was that therapy yeah i had a good way of rachel she was my third person project 180 she was the best she helped me through everything she's what i needed she i needed something to talk to and she was there for me you know and and it worked so it helped you yeah it helped me um yeah i mean do you still have these desires now or you avoid kids because no i have no desires for kids but you're just avoiding kids because you don't want to ever i don't i just don't i know people think of me so i'm not gonna put i'm gonna you know i mean i know what people think of me so it's not gonna change i i can't change the way you think it's been put out there but i'm not that way you know i happened once i was i was a kid myself and i'm not making excuses but i was i was 14 i was 14 years old i'm just trying to say i haven't done that in my adult life you're now a registered sex offender for the rest of your life yeah you have to register like every year or something yeah and i'm sure that affects your ability to get a job or um no housing or no there's people with businesses that have mm-hmm so there are employers that yeah oh yeah i'm a hard worker so my my work speaks for yourself now so you had jobs yeah what kind of jobs um i had one it was a demolition job but i don't we didn't do much demolition we did a lot of yard work and um we did a lot of yard work you know just like cleanups but it was hard work and i like it you know did you finish high school uh yeah you did and why and why and looking at your life now you're 41 41 41 what's your biggest regret what i did to my sister by far that's the biggest mistake i've ever done in my life if i've ever thought of it it's i have to think about it that's that's off the top have you had any relationships as an adult romantic relationships no no are you lonely no i don't i i keep myself occupied real well like i talk to myself all day long i i the voices that keep me going i have i have no time to talk to people i struggle all day so it's an all-day process for me to get well and that's why walking i walk a lot because you know i did some drugs yesterday and it was you know at the house i was at the house i was at the the drug a.a house um i was doing meth more than i was out here so it was i left and i did just a little bit more when i got on the street but nothing more i just wasn't smoking a lot of weed i've done pcp acid shrooms poppers um i've even drinking my own piss like with a without knowing that i did because you know i pissed in the bottle and i thought it was a beer and i drank it on accident but nothing on purpose you know but uh how was that i was disgusting that was [ __ ] gross okay yeah where do you stay now i'm gonna have to work that out with my probation i might be in violation right now so uh no just just just for not well i charged my thing so i'm still going but just for the i guess leaving the house because i i don't know no they they won't like me they meet for that because that's not a violation i don't have to be there it's just housing but i think they're pretty mad right now yeah how do you support yourself now i don't uh money just get it people just give me money and i think they do it on purpose to see me [ __ ] up truth to them because uh they don't just give me five dollars to give me two three hundred dollars at a time why would they give you money just panhandling nah uh just just just i don't know just here like you know i would i would ask for a secret or something to give me money you know but i i ain't like i used to be not like running streets finding tricks all day all day making money by having sex with people yeah yeah and i i hate i'm not gay at all i can't do that i mean it's it's just something i've done i don't know i'm i'm not liking it so it's out of my you know a couple people already gave me their numbers and [ __ ] trying to be slick but i ain't with that [ __ ] i'm cool do you feel like you were loved as a child yeah about my dad yeah everybody was fake love it was fake love like it just i didn't feel except for my brother michael he would he he was the only one that that that i had um feel you know like real connection with you know i miss him because he's gone you know because he he died from drinking you know and uh but it happens you know he's he's up she's upstairs now you know so what what emotions do you go through now i go through a hurricane of emotions i want me to i'll be happy next meeting i'll be crying next morning i want to kill you next minute i'll think everybody's after me and then uh or something but he's plotting something on me or i mean it's true but i mean i don't think i've done anything to deserve a lot of [ __ ] that's happening i haven't exposed myself to no i haven't done nothing out there it's trippy dude it's like maybe if they snuck and see what i did in a motel one time but like that was with another man he was like 30 years older than me but i don't know who knows maybe it's the government saying yeah what did you do in a hotel room with him i had sex i i i i uh he paid me you know just for drugs and i did all of it just for drugs it wasn't you know yeah i have the word strip you know i'm not using a lot right now i'm using too much because i shouldn't be using it at all but it um i shot up last night because i was i was ready i was gonna uh go by on a wheelchair and a bridge and go you know just go [ __ ] relax just not under the bridge but over it just looking over watching the freeway you know are you suicidal at times you think all day long yeah yeah and there ain't no reason i don't know why it's just i don't know why i'm like that i'm so [ __ ] depressed all the time and it affects my daily life if you ask people at the program they would say man i was i flipped out four different times took off and for what reason i don't know i don't know i can't comprehend what i why i've done you know what i have voices have a lot to do with what that has been going on like my last couple days yeah is your problem getting worse or has it been it's getting yeah because um i don't want to do speeding one i have no somebody just offered me something i tried i turned it down i never turned it down i'm too afraid to be on it because i don't i know what it i know what people think's you know the drug drugs mess makes me want to be in a motel room and watching porn all day that's all i want to do but only if it's indoors not anybody could see me i just want to watch the video you know by myself and that's it's it's it's part of an addiction if i don't have speed i don't have points without pointing down it's like it's like it goes hand in hand you know those those two that's why it's so addicting to me yeah it's crazy what are you afraid of in your life uh um what am i for you let me see um i'm afraid of death bro i'm afraid you're a suicidal sometimes yeah um i know i know at the moment i get suicidal but i haven't i mean i had one cut maybe six months ago it was this long and they had to put glue all in it that was about the deepest one i've done but i'm kind of addicted to slicing my neck because it doesn't even hurt no more it's like it's like a high for me it's pretty sad you know i i cry over because that's a [ __ ] up thing but i i i it's me you know do you see how what happened to you as a child might have set this whole chain of events and put you where you are yeah yeah because being raped you see that that wasn't your fault either yeah i think it was my fault that was your fault i think so that you were molested as a child yeah because they don't like they they had they didn't like me anyways from the get-go you know they they hated me from the first day i took a breath you know i died when i was three and i and i hate my sister for bringing me back she brought me back i drowned in a pool and she i hate her for that i have true hate for her for i truly hate her for that [ __ ] she should have never done that that was not a reflection that was not a business you know have you ever been on any psych magic kit oh yeah i'm on a lot i'm on invade good it's a shot um sarah quill they put me on so many damn drugs and i'm strung out on so boxing you ever heard of suboxone i'm just trying to [ __ ] out on me like i took i took 60 pills in three days that's you don't do that [ __ ] and that's what i did so i'm kind of sick over it you know but i need and i'm going to get some you know when i get it i'm going to do a lot of them because i'm at that point you know so it's like i like to [ __ ] almost go through near-death experiences when i do my drugs because i don't know it's fun to me do you have any place you can go to for help now with my like with the voices i've tried and i and nothing works but working out i like i like working out i love working out and it helps me with and walking and playing sports i like playing sports and even talking to people talking to people gets a lot of [ __ ] off my chest man and i'm not the one to lie to you i'll tell you if you ask me questions i'm straightforward you know because i'm not a liar and i'm not hiding nothing no more you know obviously why i say that is because when i was a kid i was hiding the fact that what all the sex stuff was going on in the house was all right but now i i reversed that it wasn't right it wasn't right and it's never right you know and yeah and it doesn't change the fact that if there's a problem you got to be fixed and i'm willing to fix it you know that's the thing between me and a lot of these 290s or 290s they don't even want to help themselves anything it's just a it's a it's a category of sex offenders and um people have been charged with with sex offenses it it's it's it's basically the registration program they got yeah i don't know i i got sentenced to life but i think i have a chance to get it off my record because it was a juvenile case too have you ever been in love as an adult uh no no i have four kids and i don't love them because the mom their mom took off you know and and now they're brainwashed so have you ever seen your kids or spend time with them i i could call them yeah i can call them anytime i want but i don't give that number out i know i'm sure that that's my family you know and yeah i love them but they're brainwashed you know they haven't given me a chance because of what them their moms said that uh because of the case because of the juvenile case she she held she all that and she she we we got kind of married i think it was a marriage it was in vegas but it was quick and we did that and i forgot what the [ __ ] i was just gonna say um yeah i didn't love her she she she uh she i can't say it was for money i was broke and i was living out for money but i don't know what it was i think it was a trick i think somebody paid me to do it because i'm not like dude i'm and she if you see her she's very beautiful and you wouldn't think uh you know that was a commanding line so but do you have any friends yeah i got a lot of friends i think i'll probably not know more probably not my best friend was jaime jaime lopez he he was my best friend we we we lost contact with like 21 cause that's when my drug impact problem got bad and i ran back to l.a but he he i don't know if he's a cop now i think he might be a cop or or maybe even richer or uh i know one of the kids are our cop but yeah that was my best friend yeah we played soccer baseball everything together it was cool yeah where do you see your life going from here david um wherever god wants us to go man if it's whether it's whatever i'm not i'm ready for the challenge you know it's god's plan i mean you know all right yeah thank you so much for sharing your story all right i wish so i was like a little shy but i mean i that's how my brain works i wander off i actually i forget what i'm talking about you know it's heavy stuff you're talking about a lot of [ __ ] going on my head all the time and just because it doesn't go away that's why i uh i take deep breaths because i'm out of breath a lot because of all the [ __ ] that's going on in my head it's crazy yeah and i just yeah i'm gonna go i'm not doing no drugs nothing i'm i'm drugstore i'm gonna go eat that's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna go eat i'm gonna buy some lunch yeah

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Id: Xc8_MlmF0rc

Length: 26min 21sec (1581 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 13 2021